Confusing Acceptance: Feeling Betrayed Yet Missing and Mourning

[annortha]

The strangest thing happened on Sunday. The feelings of anger had begun to subside from the weekend, when all of a sudden I get a text message at night. I was in the middle of vacuuming the laundry room floor. It was a text from him. It said, "Hey. Good luck at your new job this week! You are going to kill it! You are awesome!"

I was so dumbfounded. All of a sudden he gives a shit about my life now? All of a sudden he's telling me what he should have said the night I got my job instead of, "Ah... fun." Too little too late. It was confusing, to say the least. I gave him a simple thank you and that was it.

Bad Dreams:



Monday night, I had a terrible nightmare: Bryan's mom hadn’t hear about the breakup and couldn’t find him. She called me up and asked if I could go with her to help find him. She drove us to some possible places, like friend’s houses. We finally came to one house where a party was clearly occurring and the people there said he was present. Inside, he was acting absolutely bizarre, like he had given up on life and being a responsible adult completely (I went inside, his mom didn’t). He was clearly very drunk or inebriated. He also looked like a younger version of himself. He was acting like a complete jerk/asshole to me. Being very stuck up, saying rude things, not being respectful, acting like a typical high school preppy guy or college frat boy. With great annoyance I asked if I could talk with him in private somewhere, so we went upstairs. Upstairs was quiet and no one was around. I began trying to ask him questions and he interrupted me to say he’d only answer if I took meth with him. I was really irritated, but pretended to grab a pill and swallow. He then grabbed a bunch with his fingers like they were mints in a tin can and swallowed them. Then, before I could begin speaking again, he tried to essentially start pulling me clothes off to rape me and I just threw him on the floor with my arms and left. I was beyond furious and frustrated, so I texted his mom saying "He’s fucking lost it and taking meth." After that point I went home to a mansion my Mom and I were living in and began to proceed with locking down the house. We started closing all of the doors, windows, shutters, and locking everything. I felt scared. End of dream 🤦🏻♀️

It was hard to wake up after having such an awful dream. I was crying and I started to message my friends about this dream. My friend Rachael said: "Your mind is trying to tell you that you don't trust him and you're afraid how far he is going to deviate from the person you once knew. Those kind of dreams are hella traumatic, I hope your day gets better now that it's over 😞"

She's totally right. The Bryan I first met, that charming handsome guy, he’s gone forever. I had no idea it would be such a short lived fantasy. Nothing stays the same, everything changes, everything ends. A good reminder to always enjoy those positive moments with someone as they are happening. Appreciate the moment when you're in the present, even if it’s just getting waffles or going grocery shopping with someone. Stop to smell the roses, as they say.

Regret:

These feelings of sadness and sorrow creeped in. My brain was so overwhelmed, it could no longer tell if Bryan was a good or malicious person anymore. I was being gaslighted by my own thoughts and dreams. I started to regret taking down all the photos and deleting him from social media. It was too late to take that all back. I haven't deleted any photos or videos permanently, I simply put them on my desktop computer out of sight. Still, I'm back to feelings of missing him. It aches, it hurts. I continually have this inner mental battle about whether I should be angry at him or miss him. I had the strongest urge to text him and say, "Hey, I'm sorry that I removed you from all social media. It was just too painful to see you and made it hard to move on. Plus, I feel like you truly don't want me in your life anymore." At the same time, I still want to say things like, "You're such a coward, not having the galls to tell the truth to my face. I feel so betrayed that you led me on and lied to me, forcing yourself to stay in a relationship when you didn't have feelings for me."

To clear my conscious, I finally did end up texting him. I caved into my weaknesses. Here's the tea.

I sent:
"Sorry to message you out of the blue, I'm not sure if you really wanted to hear from me or not. I hope you're doing okay, but I'm sure the answer is no. I was thinking about you and wanted to check in. If you want me to leave you alone forever though, I understand. I know it's probably inappropriate to send this but I couldn't help it."

His reply:
"Don't worry. You can always text me. I don't have any hard feelings toward you. It's all just embarrassing and hard for me. I thought about you today as well. I saw that you had unfriended me on Facebook and wasn't sure how you were feeling, so I didn't want to bother you.
I hope your first week at work went well! 🤞

My Reply:
"I'm glad to hear you don't have any hard feelings towards me... I'm not sure why you feel embarrassed, but I understand it being hard for you too.

I'm sorry that I unfriended you on everything. I did go through a pretty angry period last weekend in my stages of grief. I also found myself checking your social media too much and it was really painful. Someday in the future when I've moved on fully, I would like to re-add you. I figured it might make things easier for you too.  And I figured for both our profiles, it was no longer appropriate to have pictures/tags/posts together if the relationship is no more.

First week at my job has been absolutely amazing so far. I'm in heaven getting to choose my own schedule, not being micromanaged, and feeling 100% appreciate and supported at my job. It's an incredible feeling and I'm very motivated to work hard and learn a lot. They are really good people."

His reply:
"It's okay, I understand.
I'm glad it's going well for you."

Me:
"Take care and hope to talk to you soon."

Him:
"You too."

A Reminder To Myself Why He Isn't The One:

As always, I want to reiterate that Bryan is not a bad person. He is an individual who has had an amazing life and hasn't faced much in the way of adversity. He's had a few traumatic medical issues happen in his life and suffers from various mental stuff, but he's not malicious. While he has matured in many ways, he has not been humbled. He has surrounded himself with, in his words, a lot of unhealthy and toxic friendships and relationships. He also has no idea how to appreciate life and be humble. He has a dream life people kill for, everything he possibly needs, but claims his, "Life is falling apart." Well, the people who are fleeing Ukraine right now, losing their land and homes and friends and family... those are people whose lives are truly falling apart. Therefore, Bryan will NEVER be satisfied for the rest of his life until he either learns self happiness and appreciation. He either needs to learn to become humble or will need to have everything taken away from him before he learns this. I have so many friends who don't have a functioning, full family like him, great wealth, their own house, a great job, working vehicles, or wonderful pets... yet all it takes is spending quality time with them, making them some food, giving something as simple as a flower to put a big, warm smile on their faces. That's because they know where true happiness comes from. I sincerely hope Bryan grows spiritually someday, that he learns these secrets to life and happiness. I don't know if he ever will. He's never had to work very hard for everything he has. I don't know what it will take for him to get there, and it is not my job to teach him or show him. That is a journey that only he can complete, alone.

Therefore, as much as my emotions/heart/feelings loved him, I must remind myself that he was just another step on the ladder towards finding my dream partner. He was more practice and important lessons that I needed to learn in order to FULLY appreciate the person that will be coming into my life this year. Yes. I fully believe that person is on their way to me. I have decided to stop looking and trust the divine order of the universe to guide this person to me, when the time is right.

What are the things that didn't make Bryan a good partner for me?

• He was too insecure. He couldn't handle my success, he felt extremely intimated by it. This success involves my career, my large friend circle, my academics, etc. 
• He didn't trust me. He was always trying to monitor my location, had panic attacks when I traveled and spent time with other friends (also didn't trust my friends to take care of me), panicked when I didn't tell him my schedule everyday (I've never even been this anal about my schedule with my own parents because they trust my fully grown ass), and never believed I knew how to do things the right way (aka his way). 
• He didn't love me. This became apparently clear after the first three months. He never told me he loved me. He never treated me more special than his friends or family. He didn't give me the words of affirmation of physical affection that I so deserved. He treated his dog miles better than me. Didn't ever verbally tell me he loved me.
• He acted mad and irritated with me all the time. He yelled at me a few times. He criticized me and tried to blame all his faults and shortcomings on me (like lack of communication). He never approached me about issues in a soft, comforting tone. He was critical of everything I did, even when I was going out of my way to do nice things for him (make him dinner, help him do chores, clean, etc.). It always felt like he was attacking me. His criticisms were harsh, rough around the edges, cold.
• He became boring as hell. Once he moved into his house, he stopped being a fun, loving guy who loved to go on adventures. He didn't want to do stuff outdoors anymore. He didn't want to go to parties. He didn't want to hang out with my friends. He didn't want to go to my modeling stuff. He didn't want to go over to my house. He didn't want to go to music shows. Nothing. Just wanted to make food and fall asleep on his couch. He became a grouchy, old man. He even started saying he was just a grouchy old man. 
• He didn't want to tell me about his past. He didn't bother to tell me stories or show me photos anymore. He didn't care about my desire to learn more about him and how his experiences shaped his current self. He just wanted to keep me shut out of his head. I barely got to know him beyond surface level. 
• He was the pickiest eater I've ever met. He had no love for food. His diet consists of Bang energy drinks, meat, cheese, and carbs (noodles, bread, rice, etc). His food could never touch, he has to eat things right away when they're hot, he drowns everything in an ungodly amount of salt, and refuses to eat leftovers. Couldn't eat the same thing two nights in a row either. It made eating with him miserable. We couldn't make food together as a love language. Eating out at restaurants was near impossible. I had to eat all the leftovers so they wouldn't go to waste.
• He was so incredibly nervous. Sometimes he would give me random advice, like showing me a new lotion or something. Before a single word could exit my mouth, he would immediately get pre-defensive, almost like a PTSD symptom. He would say something like, "It's okay though, if you don't like it you don't have to use it. It's just a suggestion!!," or "I'm sorry, if you don't want to use it that's totally fine, I just thought you might like it!!" It almost got annoying, like he was assuming my thoughts, feelings, and actions without letting me express how I actually thought and felt. Like, jesus christ, calm down and just don't say anything until I've had a chance to listen/try/experience what you're showing me.
• He didn't communicate and kept everything in his head. Then, he would get incredibly frustrated and mad when no one could read his mind and didn't have the same beliefs/thoughts as him. He is completely stuck in his own version of reality, which is likely far from the truth.    
• He always acted like meeting my needs was a chore or "the right thing" to do. I could tell his heart wasn't into his actions. He never felt naturally inclined to hug me, kiss me, pick me up, cuddle, be intimate. Those were just things he had to do because I was his girlfriend.
• He treated me like a girlfriend place holder. I was just an object there, for show. I was there for the holidays and family gatherings. Otherwise, he really didn't want me in his space. I always felt alone, physically and spiritually. He never wanted my stuff in his space. Anytime I let him borrow something or stored something there, he was desperate to get it out or replaced as soon as possible. My stuff like was like a disease in his space. 
• He gave me anxiety all the time. He made me afraid to mess up or do the wrong thing. Furthermore, he blamed his anxiety and insecurities on me having anxiety. 
• He always shut down. Anytime something negative or hard was occurring, he just shut down. Stressful events, a hard conversation... he would just disassociate and stop talking and zone out. Often started avoiding me.
• He made me feel alone even when he was in the same room. I felt physically, mentally, and spiritually alone. He was always so far away. Always walking around keeping busy. I never felt like I got to be close to him. The longer the relationship went, the further away he got. Less cuddles, less hand holding, less kisses.
• He never wanted to become friends with my friends and constantly perceived himself as the boyfriend accessory that no one wanted to talk to. 
• He never loved me truly and he decided the best decision was to give up on us. 
• I wasn't worth fighting for, apparently. 
• He's so ungrateful for all the amazing things he has in his life already. Constantly complains that his life is falling apart. 
• He tells everyone what they want to hear and is a chronic liar. Not liar in the sense of direct lies, it's more about the fact that he lies to himself. Aka "fake it until you make it." He puts on that fake happy mask on social media, public, his friends, and his family. He acts like everything is okay when he's constantly on a downward spiral. He lies to himself which non-verbally causes him to lie to everyone else. 
• He's addicted to his sadness. He doesn't want to get better. Practices self-destructive behavior like sabotaging close relationships, under-earing, being addicted to smoking concentrated marijuana dabs, drinking more, extremely impulsive behavior, social isolation, etc.
• He constantly degrades and puts himself down. Tons of self-doubt and shame. Riddled with guilt over everything he's done. Has no room for forgiveness for himself. So much self pity.