[fic] Just Don't Look Back, chapter 10 - Yugioh, YamixYugi, angst/romance, R, AU
Title: Just Don't Look Back
Chapter: 10
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 -
---
Left alone in his room, Yami didn’t sleep. He didn’t even want to, knowing that sleep would only bring to life the nightmares he was struggling to keep at bay in the corners of his mind. Being awake, however, meant facing what had happened.
As the night went on he warred back and forth with himself over what to do, trying to weigh his options. Staying would put Yugi in danger. Yugi had fallen in love with him, and would be bound to do something else stupid to try to help him in the future. Leaving meant losing the most precious thing in his life and breaking Yugi’s heart. He wanted to believe there had to be an outcome that didn’t hurt, but the longer he thought about it the more powerless he felt. And all the while the pain and the stress and the fear inside him seemed to inflate and choke him until he couldn’t see his options any longer. All he saw was himself trapped in a place he’d been too many times before. All he knew was that he had to get out.
The tears returned near morning, as the room began to lighten. He closed his eyes and waited for them to disappear behind his eyelids, then got to his feet. It took only moments to gather up all his belongings from the store room and to shove them into the two bags he was using now that his mother had reclaimed her belongings. As he emerged, he found Yugi’s grandfather waiting for him.
“Going somewhere?” he said.
“Yes.”
“Does this mean I’ve got to look for another store helper?”
Yami lowered his eyes. “That would be best.”
“So, you are leaving. Does Yugi know?”
“No. Better that I leave now before he does.”
Sugoroku considered him, his voice softening. “It’s not your fault Yugi got hurt. He went out there on his own, he chose to fight on his own, you didn’t make him. He’d have done the same for any of his friends. He cares about you.”
“He cares too much.” Yami’s eyes narrowed. “He got in a fight with my enemies. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile but this just makes everything so much clearer to me. Yugi isn’t supposed to be part of my life. Somehow…our worlds got all tangled up, but that isn’t right. It’s not worth this…look at me, did I really leave my old world behind? My mother, she’s supporting herself now, soon she won’t even need my paycheck to survive. She’s completely left behind the bad parts of her past. I haven’t.” Something in his face darkened, and his mind taunted him. The people I love invariably end up hurt. I never should have put Yugi at risk at all.
“So you’re not even going to tell him good-bye?”
Sugoroku had an excellent poker face, but the disapproval was still there. Suddenly, stinging tears that Yami had been trying to hold back filled his eyes and a few made their way down his cheeks. He had never felt so torn in his life, his heart and his instincts fighting with each other even now.
Don’t…don’t look at me that way…
But it hurt too much. He couldn’t stay here, in this house where he had been accepted, where he had been loved. This had been a place of family; a home. It had offered him a glimpse of a real life, and his world had dragged darkness into it.
It was too much. Too much anger over what that darkness was taking, too much fear over the consequences, too much sadness over who he was losing.
I can’t. I just can’t…
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave, but look at him. I can’t…could you stand to stay in someone’s life if you knew that they got hurt defending you?”
Sugoroku kept his voice gentle. “I do understand why it seems so hard to stay. But Yugi isn’t going to be happy about this. He loves you.”
“He’ll be safe.” Yami paused at the door. “And he never should have loved me in the first place. Please understand I don’t want to hurt him.” He looked up, desperately. “He’ll be angry…and sad…about me leaving, and he’s your grandson so I’ll understand if you hate me for it, but it’s not like I wanted this to happen. I would give anything to have prevented it. But I need to do this.” He was speaking through his teeth. “I need to be away from here.”
“I understand. You saw him hurt, and you think it’s your debt to pay, and that running will pay it. I don’t know if Yugi will understand that though.”
Yami squeezed his eyes shut. No, it’s not that. I don’t think running will pay it. Nothing will pay it. But I already have Shoua’s blood on my hands…I can’t risk adding Yugi’s.
He didn’t try to explain, knowing that chapter of his life was unknown to Yugi and his family. He tried to lift his chin and wiped his eyes, and stepped again towards the door.
“Yami?”
He stopped, hand on the doorknob.
“I’m going to put off finding a new assistant for a few days…just in case you change your mind.”
Yami didn’t turn, but he did murmur. “Thank you, Grandfather.”
Sugoroku’s surprised expression softened into a smile. “You’re welcome.”
Then the door closed, and he was gone.
- - -
Yugi woke up an hour later. He put up with his mother fawning over him and checking his - in his opinion - nearly non-existent wounds for ten minutes before finally asking, “Where’s Yami? You told me I could talk to him this morning. I want to tell him what happened.”
“Yugi…” His mother paused. “Yami’s gone. He left early this morning.”
“What?” Yugi sat up despite her protests to take it easy. “What do you mean he left and he’s gone?! Where did he go?”
“I don’t know, your grandfather was the one who talked to him-”
“Grandpa!” Yugi was out of bed and downstairs in a flash, storming into the shop and startling two young kids with their parents. “Mom just said that Yami left…is that true?”
The family in the store eyed Yugi with apprehension. He was still wearing his wrinkled clothes from the night before, his hair was a disaster, sticking out in all manner of unearthly directions, and the bruises around his eyes made him look slightly crazed. They left quickly, and once in privacy, Sugoroku sighed and nodded.
“Yes, he left. About an hour ago.”
“Why?!”
“He feels guilty, why else? Seeing you hurt scared him.”
“Well why didn’t you stop him?” he demanded, aghast. “Why didn’t you tell him that I’m fine? Why didn’t you tell him he was being an idiot?”
“I told him not to leave, but I had no right to stop him. This was something he felt he needed to do.”
“So he ran away? Again? Ugh.” Yugi started pacing, ranting. “What am I going to do with him? Why does he always run when he’s scared of something instead of just talking to me? W-why…” His voice suddenly cracked. “Why doesn’t he realize that he hurts the people who love him when he runs?”
“I think he was too sad about what happened to you,” his grandfather answered.
“Well…he’ll be at his mother’s, I’m sure, I’ll find him there and give him a piece of my mind and drag him back here if I have to…”
“Yugi-”
“I knew I should have insisted on talking to him last night, I knew it-”
“Yugi!”
“What?” He stopped pacing.
“Do you understand why he left?”
That made Yugi pause. “Do I…because he feels bad, right? You just said…he’s scared I’ll get hurt again because of him.”
“It’s more than just that. I think he feels like he’s doing something good by leaving. Your mother told him this wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t here…not that she needed to say anything, I’m sure he could have come up with that on his own.”
“Wait, Mom told him that?” Yugi’s eyes narrowed. “She told me that he’d been told I was fine, that it was no big deal.”
His grandfather looked helpless. “She was upset, Yugi. You were hurt, she wasn’t going to react calmly-”
“But now Yami’s gone running off someplace because of her! I can’t believe she…” He shook his head, trying to calm down. “Okay…this can still be okay. I’ll talk to him when I find him again, I’ll tell him the whole story about what happened, and it’ll be all right.”
“Yugi, I’m not sure…”
“What aren’t you sure about?”
“I doubt he’s at his mother’s, he would know you’d look for him there. I got the impression he doesn’t want to be found. He kept talking about ‘worlds.’ Something about how he hasn’t left his yet and how he’s not supposed to be a part of yours. And…when he saw you, he had this unusual attack. He was shaking and he just kept saying ‘not again.’”
Yugi felt his heart sinking. His grandfather’s description of Yami’s ‘attack’ was eerily familiar to him. What memories had seeing him hurt triggered? He read between the lines of his grandfather’s explanation, and knew what it probably meant.
Yugi turned around.
“Where are you going?”
“To get dressed. I’m going to see Yami’s mom. Even if Yami isn’t there, she deserves to know why he’s gone missing. And if he is there, even better.”
Sugoroku could see a few flaws in this plan, but said nothing. Instead he just said, “Are you sure that chasing him is really the best idea?”
Yugi looked back at him and Sugoroku couldn’t help noticing that his grandson’s gaze seemed wiser, more grown-up somehow. “I’m positive. I don’t understand why he does this…but I think that when Yami tries to run, deep down he wants someone to go after him.”
He headed up the stairs, and his grandfather simply nodded and turned back to his desk.
Maybe Yugi had understood after all. Maybe even better than he had.
- - -
Yugi took a deep breath before he knocked on the apartment door. Down the hall, he saw an older woman exit the elevator and walk to a door, fishing out a key. She nodded a greeting at him, and he nodded back.
The door opened, making him jump suddenly and turn back around.
“Yugi?” Eve said, startled to find a boy who looked like a shorter version of her own son standing outside the door. Still, she had known right away who he must be. Yami had often talked about him.
“Yes ma’am.” Yugi bowed his head and looked back up at her. Although she and Yami shared no glaringly obvious traits, there were several subtle ones. The same sharp angle of her eyes, the same lilt in her voice, and something about the shape of her face was familiar too. He was a little surprised; she really didn’t look like a criminal.
“Why are you here? You look like someone’s beaten you, are you okay?” She motioned him inside and over to the couch.
“Is Yami here?”
“No, he isn’t. Why?”
“Well ma’am-”
“Yugi, please, you don’t have to be so formal.”
“Right.” Yugi dropped the formalities and launched into the story. “Yami left. Some men he knew hurt him, and I was tired of watching him be hurt, so I went after them and fought them last night. I didn’t get a chance to explain to Yami why, or what happened, I was asleep when he found out. And now Yami’s run away again, but this time its worse, he told my grandpa a bunch of stuff about having never really left his ‘world’ and he thinks it’s all his fault, and I’m scared that he’s going back…I don’t know, to finish something or because he doesn’t think he’s good enough or…”
Yugi trailed off as she set her hand on his shoulder. He saw worry entering her eyes, but when she spoke her voice was calm.
“Yugi, I understand that you’re worried about him, but he gets this way sometimes. It’s just part of who he is.”
“I know that, but…this time it’s different than the others. It has nothing to do with his pride, he left for another reason, I know it. Because I got hurt.” Yugi lowered his eyes. He was sure this was the main reason, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He’d thought he was helping, and instead he’d only managed to make Yami snap.
“No, there’s more to it than that.”
Yugi blinked. “What?”
“I take it Yami never told you about why he runs away so much.”
Yugi shook his head. “Not exactly. I know it seems to be a habit when something threatens him or he’s upset, but we never talked about why. I just…assumed it had to do with pride.”
She folded her hands, speaking slowly. “Well, do you know how it feels, when you’re so stressed and worried and scared that there’s this huge pressure inside you, and it feels like you’ll just explode?”
Given the current situation Yugi could say with certainty that yes, he was very familiar with that feeling.
“After the earthquake, that’s how Yami lived, with that feeling every day. And he got in the habit of running. He now hides under a calm, steady outside, but it’s fragile. Even several years ago he was like this. He would just take off and sometimes go missing for days. It scared me to the point of panic. It wasn’t normal, I wished when something was bothering him that he’d face it or even just talk to me about it.”
“I understand that feeling too,” Yugi said quietly.
Eve nodded. “I don’t think he realizes how it hurts others. And sometimes I would think…how selfish he was acting, to run away and leave other people to worry about him. But I can’t blame him; I bear part of the responsibility. I let him do it at first because it seemed to help him grieve.” She took a steadying breath. “Yugi, you need to understand that you did nothing to cause this. There are no excuses for him, but there are reasons, and they’re all reasons that he has imposed on himself. Blaming yourself won’t help.”
Yugi thought about it. “I’m glad to know about this…it helps me understand. I just wish that he’d let me help him,” he admitted. “You know, that I could have made a difference. Maybe I could have gotten him out of this habit. I hate that I’ve only caused him more pain. I’m so sorry that I failed him.”
“Don’t be sorry, Yugi. You didn’t fail him. He won’t admit that he has a need to run, he pretends like it doesn’t control him. Even if you confronted him, he’d find a way to talk himself around the question. But Yami has changed since he met you. He’s become a much better person. He smiles more often, he’s cheerful when he visits…you’ve helped him more than he’ll ever say. His childhood ended the day of the earthquake, but when he talks about you, his eyes light up the way they used to when he was young, and for that, Yugi, I will never be able to thank you enough. You have no reason to be sorry.”
He blushed slightly, embarrassed, and still feeling vaguely guilty. He searched for a new topic; he didn’t like hearing her thank him when he’d only caused Yami to run away again. “But…but I still don’t understand what he’s going on about ‘worlds’ for. He likes working and it was the earthquake that made you homeless, not yourselves, so why does he think that’s the world he’s supposed to be in? Why would he go back to it? If it wasn’t for Mother Nature you’d be living like regular people.”
She considered that and said, “To be honest Yugi, I’m not sure. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that in a strange way being a drifter is comforting to him because he knows he can run as much as he wants and no walls will stop him. It’s a world he doesn’t like being in, but at the same time it’s the world he became an adult in. And because that world hurt you, the guilt alone is probably enough to make him believe he never should have left it. Also, I suspect, particularly after what happened, that he went back to it because he thinks it will keep you safe.”
“But that makes no sense. He knows I care about him, so how could think he’s helping me by leaving me? Where would he get a stupid idea like that?”
Her expression was sad. Yami has kept more from you than I thought he had.
Yugi looked at her nervously. “Ma’…I mean, Eve?”
“I’m sorry, I was lost in thought for a moment.”
“It’s okay.”
Looking at Yugi, she wanted to tell him everything she knew. But there were some stories that simply weren’t hers to tell.
Seeing the sadness in his face, she said, “I know it doesn’t seem like it when he acts like this, but Yami cares about you more than anything in this world. I think, if there’s anyone who he would stop running for, anyone who he would come back to, it would be you.”
Yugi smiled slightly. “That means a lot, thank you. I just wish…”
She understood the words he hadn’t said. “I’m sure by now you’ve realized that it’s not easy, loving him. He has a lot of problems and unfortunately his ways of coping tend to hurt those who love him. It’s a sickness that has to get worse before it gets better. Nobody would blame you if you would rather walk away. I would understand completely.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Yugi stood up and backed toward the door. “And thank you for letting me know it’s okay to give up, but I can’t walk away. If nobody sticks with him, he’s never going to heal. I think he could be okay if he just gave himself a chance. I don’t want to see him become a drifter again just because he’s scared.”
“Yami’s lucky,” Eve said. “He’s lucky to have you. He knows it, but he won’t say it, so I’m telling you for him.”
Yugi paused, his hand on the doorknob. He wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t feel like he’d been all that lucky for Yami. An awkward silence fell over the room. Outside, rain clouds were gathering and thunder rumbled in the distance.
“Yami hates sounds like that,” Yugi said softly, almost to himself.
“No,” Eve said, understanding his comment. “He hates the memories.”
Memories. Yugi turned toward her. “Eve?”
“Yes?”
“Did Yami ever have…I mean, before me, was there anyone…never mind. I should go before it starts raining.” He opened the door. “Thanks for letting me visit.”
“It was no trouble, stop by anytime.”
As the door closed behind him, she sighed and closed her eyes, thankful that Yugi hadn’t finished his question.
It started raining before Yugi was halfway home. He kept walking even as it poured down harder and thought about what Eve said about sicknesses. How Yami’s had to play itself out. Thunder boomed across the city.
Deep inside, he had a dark feeling that it wasn’t finished getting worse.
Across town, a posse of police cars, followed by ambulances sped down the highway on a call reporting six men badly injured behind a building site. The men were well-known to the law, six vagrants who were commonly spotted drinking, being chased off property, or lurking in groups begging for change and harassing other drifters.
Now they all lay unconscious, blood oozing from blunt, open wounds. All except for the sixth man, Ezui Sasaki. The piece of rebar buried in his skull ensured that he would never have to worry about his injuries.
Half a mile away, Yami huddled, trembling, under the stairs of a fire escape, his hands clamped over his ears. Water dripping from the beams above slowly rinsed away the blood on his arms as he curled in a ball, tears streaming down his face as he sobbed.
Make it stop. Make it stop.
X - X - X
Notes: If this plot device of “Yami kills someone” seems a bit familiar, you’re not mistaken. I did go for a similar “twist” in a past fic. I was a newb back then though and I completely messed up the potential of the twist. This time, the results of said twist have been done much better. I’m actually quite looking forward to where this is headed, and I hope you are too. =3 The fic definitely starts to take a darker turn from here on out…
Happy belated birthday to Jounouchi!
Chapter: 10
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 -
---
Left alone in his room, Yami didn’t sleep. He didn’t even want to, knowing that sleep would only bring to life the nightmares he was struggling to keep at bay in the corners of his mind. Being awake, however, meant facing what had happened.
As the night went on he warred back and forth with himself over what to do, trying to weigh his options. Staying would put Yugi in danger. Yugi had fallen in love with him, and would be bound to do something else stupid to try to help him in the future. Leaving meant losing the most precious thing in his life and breaking Yugi’s heart. He wanted to believe there had to be an outcome that didn’t hurt, but the longer he thought about it the more powerless he felt. And all the while the pain and the stress and the fear inside him seemed to inflate and choke him until he couldn’t see his options any longer. All he saw was himself trapped in a place he’d been too many times before. All he knew was that he had to get out.
The tears returned near morning, as the room began to lighten. He closed his eyes and waited for them to disappear behind his eyelids, then got to his feet. It took only moments to gather up all his belongings from the store room and to shove them into the two bags he was using now that his mother had reclaimed her belongings. As he emerged, he found Yugi’s grandfather waiting for him.
“Going somewhere?” he said.
“Yes.”
“Does this mean I’ve got to look for another store helper?”
Yami lowered his eyes. “That would be best.”
“So, you are leaving. Does Yugi know?”
“No. Better that I leave now before he does.”
Sugoroku considered him, his voice softening. “It’s not your fault Yugi got hurt. He went out there on his own, he chose to fight on his own, you didn’t make him. He’d have done the same for any of his friends. He cares about you.”
“He cares too much.” Yami’s eyes narrowed. “He got in a fight with my enemies. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile but this just makes everything so much clearer to me. Yugi isn’t supposed to be part of my life. Somehow…our worlds got all tangled up, but that isn’t right. It’s not worth this…look at me, did I really leave my old world behind? My mother, she’s supporting herself now, soon she won’t even need my paycheck to survive. She’s completely left behind the bad parts of her past. I haven’t.” Something in his face darkened, and his mind taunted him. The people I love invariably end up hurt. I never should have put Yugi at risk at all.
“So you’re not even going to tell him good-bye?”
Sugoroku had an excellent poker face, but the disapproval was still there. Suddenly, stinging tears that Yami had been trying to hold back filled his eyes and a few made their way down his cheeks. He had never felt so torn in his life, his heart and his instincts fighting with each other even now.
Don’t…don’t look at me that way…
But it hurt too much. He couldn’t stay here, in this house where he had been accepted, where he had been loved. This had been a place of family; a home. It had offered him a glimpse of a real life, and his world had dragged darkness into it.
It was too much. Too much anger over what that darkness was taking, too much fear over the consequences, too much sadness over who he was losing.
I can’t. I just can’t…
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave, but look at him. I can’t…could you stand to stay in someone’s life if you knew that they got hurt defending you?”
Sugoroku kept his voice gentle. “I do understand why it seems so hard to stay. But Yugi isn’t going to be happy about this. He loves you.”
“He’ll be safe.” Yami paused at the door. “And he never should have loved me in the first place. Please understand I don’t want to hurt him.” He looked up, desperately. “He’ll be angry…and sad…about me leaving, and he’s your grandson so I’ll understand if you hate me for it, but it’s not like I wanted this to happen. I would give anything to have prevented it. But I need to do this.” He was speaking through his teeth. “I need to be away from here.”
“I understand. You saw him hurt, and you think it’s your debt to pay, and that running will pay it. I don’t know if Yugi will understand that though.”
Yami squeezed his eyes shut. No, it’s not that. I don’t think running will pay it. Nothing will pay it. But I already have Shoua’s blood on my hands…I can’t risk adding Yugi’s.
He didn’t try to explain, knowing that chapter of his life was unknown to Yugi and his family. He tried to lift his chin and wiped his eyes, and stepped again towards the door.
“Yami?”
He stopped, hand on the doorknob.
“I’m going to put off finding a new assistant for a few days…just in case you change your mind.”
Yami didn’t turn, but he did murmur. “Thank you, Grandfather.”
Sugoroku’s surprised expression softened into a smile. “You’re welcome.”
Then the door closed, and he was gone.
- - -
Yugi woke up an hour later. He put up with his mother fawning over him and checking his - in his opinion - nearly non-existent wounds for ten minutes before finally asking, “Where’s Yami? You told me I could talk to him this morning. I want to tell him what happened.”
“Yugi…” His mother paused. “Yami’s gone. He left early this morning.”
“What?” Yugi sat up despite her protests to take it easy. “What do you mean he left and he’s gone?! Where did he go?”
“I don’t know, your grandfather was the one who talked to him-”
“Grandpa!” Yugi was out of bed and downstairs in a flash, storming into the shop and startling two young kids with their parents. “Mom just said that Yami left…is that true?”
The family in the store eyed Yugi with apprehension. He was still wearing his wrinkled clothes from the night before, his hair was a disaster, sticking out in all manner of unearthly directions, and the bruises around his eyes made him look slightly crazed. They left quickly, and once in privacy, Sugoroku sighed and nodded.
“Yes, he left. About an hour ago.”
“Why?!”
“He feels guilty, why else? Seeing you hurt scared him.”
“Well why didn’t you stop him?” he demanded, aghast. “Why didn’t you tell him that I’m fine? Why didn’t you tell him he was being an idiot?”
“I told him not to leave, but I had no right to stop him. This was something he felt he needed to do.”
“So he ran away? Again? Ugh.” Yugi started pacing, ranting. “What am I going to do with him? Why does he always run when he’s scared of something instead of just talking to me? W-why…” His voice suddenly cracked. “Why doesn’t he realize that he hurts the people who love him when he runs?”
“I think he was too sad about what happened to you,” his grandfather answered.
“Well…he’ll be at his mother’s, I’m sure, I’ll find him there and give him a piece of my mind and drag him back here if I have to…”
“Yugi-”
“I knew I should have insisted on talking to him last night, I knew it-”
“Yugi!”
“What?” He stopped pacing.
“Do you understand why he left?”
That made Yugi pause. “Do I…because he feels bad, right? You just said…he’s scared I’ll get hurt again because of him.”
“It’s more than just that. I think he feels like he’s doing something good by leaving. Your mother told him this wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t here…not that she needed to say anything, I’m sure he could have come up with that on his own.”
“Wait, Mom told him that?” Yugi’s eyes narrowed. “She told me that he’d been told I was fine, that it was no big deal.”
His grandfather looked helpless. “She was upset, Yugi. You were hurt, she wasn’t going to react calmly-”
“But now Yami’s gone running off someplace because of her! I can’t believe she…” He shook his head, trying to calm down. “Okay…this can still be okay. I’ll talk to him when I find him again, I’ll tell him the whole story about what happened, and it’ll be all right.”
“Yugi, I’m not sure…”
“What aren’t you sure about?”
“I doubt he’s at his mother’s, he would know you’d look for him there. I got the impression he doesn’t want to be found. He kept talking about ‘worlds.’ Something about how he hasn’t left his yet and how he’s not supposed to be a part of yours. And…when he saw you, he had this unusual attack. He was shaking and he just kept saying ‘not again.’”
Yugi felt his heart sinking. His grandfather’s description of Yami’s ‘attack’ was eerily familiar to him. What memories had seeing him hurt triggered? He read between the lines of his grandfather’s explanation, and knew what it probably meant.
Yugi turned around.
“Where are you going?”
“To get dressed. I’m going to see Yami’s mom. Even if Yami isn’t there, she deserves to know why he’s gone missing. And if he is there, even better.”
Sugoroku could see a few flaws in this plan, but said nothing. Instead he just said, “Are you sure that chasing him is really the best idea?”
Yugi looked back at him and Sugoroku couldn’t help noticing that his grandson’s gaze seemed wiser, more grown-up somehow. “I’m positive. I don’t understand why he does this…but I think that when Yami tries to run, deep down he wants someone to go after him.”
He headed up the stairs, and his grandfather simply nodded and turned back to his desk.
Maybe Yugi had understood after all. Maybe even better than he had.
- - -
Yugi took a deep breath before he knocked on the apartment door. Down the hall, he saw an older woman exit the elevator and walk to a door, fishing out a key. She nodded a greeting at him, and he nodded back.
The door opened, making him jump suddenly and turn back around.
“Yugi?” Eve said, startled to find a boy who looked like a shorter version of her own son standing outside the door. Still, she had known right away who he must be. Yami had often talked about him.
“Yes ma’am.” Yugi bowed his head and looked back up at her. Although she and Yami shared no glaringly obvious traits, there were several subtle ones. The same sharp angle of her eyes, the same lilt in her voice, and something about the shape of her face was familiar too. He was a little surprised; she really didn’t look like a criminal.
“Why are you here? You look like someone’s beaten you, are you okay?” She motioned him inside and over to the couch.
“Is Yami here?”
“No, he isn’t. Why?”
“Well ma’am-”
“Yugi, please, you don’t have to be so formal.”
“Right.” Yugi dropped the formalities and launched into the story. “Yami left. Some men he knew hurt him, and I was tired of watching him be hurt, so I went after them and fought them last night. I didn’t get a chance to explain to Yami why, or what happened, I was asleep when he found out. And now Yami’s run away again, but this time its worse, he told my grandpa a bunch of stuff about having never really left his ‘world’ and he thinks it’s all his fault, and I’m scared that he’s going back…I don’t know, to finish something or because he doesn’t think he’s good enough or…”
Yugi trailed off as she set her hand on his shoulder. He saw worry entering her eyes, but when she spoke her voice was calm.
“Yugi, I understand that you’re worried about him, but he gets this way sometimes. It’s just part of who he is.”
“I know that, but…this time it’s different than the others. It has nothing to do with his pride, he left for another reason, I know it. Because I got hurt.” Yugi lowered his eyes. He was sure this was the main reason, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He’d thought he was helping, and instead he’d only managed to make Yami snap.
“No, there’s more to it than that.”
Yugi blinked. “What?”
“I take it Yami never told you about why he runs away so much.”
Yugi shook his head. “Not exactly. I know it seems to be a habit when something threatens him or he’s upset, but we never talked about why. I just…assumed it had to do with pride.”
She folded her hands, speaking slowly. “Well, do you know how it feels, when you’re so stressed and worried and scared that there’s this huge pressure inside you, and it feels like you’ll just explode?”
Given the current situation Yugi could say with certainty that yes, he was very familiar with that feeling.
“After the earthquake, that’s how Yami lived, with that feeling every day. And he got in the habit of running. He now hides under a calm, steady outside, but it’s fragile. Even several years ago he was like this. He would just take off and sometimes go missing for days. It scared me to the point of panic. It wasn’t normal, I wished when something was bothering him that he’d face it or even just talk to me about it.”
“I understand that feeling too,” Yugi said quietly.
Eve nodded. “I don’t think he realizes how it hurts others. And sometimes I would think…how selfish he was acting, to run away and leave other people to worry about him. But I can’t blame him; I bear part of the responsibility. I let him do it at first because it seemed to help him grieve.” She took a steadying breath. “Yugi, you need to understand that you did nothing to cause this. There are no excuses for him, but there are reasons, and they’re all reasons that he has imposed on himself. Blaming yourself won’t help.”
Yugi thought about it. “I’m glad to know about this…it helps me understand. I just wish that he’d let me help him,” he admitted. “You know, that I could have made a difference. Maybe I could have gotten him out of this habit. I hate that I’ve only caused him more pain. I’m so sorry that I failed him.”
“Don’t be sorry, Yugi. You didn’t fail him. He won’t admit that he has a need to run, he pretends like it doesn’t control him. Even if you confronted him, he’d find a way to talk himself around the question. But Yami has changed since he met you. He’s become a much better person. He smiles more often, he’s cheerful when he visits…you’ve helped him more than he’ll ever say. His childhood ended the day of the earthquake, but when he talks about you, his eyes light up the way they used to when he was young, and for that, Yugi, I will never be able to thank you enough. You have no reason to be sorry.”
He blushed slightly, embarrassed, and still feeling vaguely guilty. He searched for a new topic; he didn’t like hearing her thank him when he’d only caused Yami to run away again. “But…but I still don’t understand what he’s going on about ‘worlds’ for. He likes working and it was the earthquake that made you homeless, not yourselves, so why does he think that’s the world he’s supposed to be in? Why would he go back to it? If it wasn’t for Mother Nature you’d be living like regular people.”
She considered that and said, “To be honest Yugi, I’m not sure. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that in a strange way being a drifter is comforting to him because he knows he can run as much as he wants and no walls will stop him. It’s a world he doesn’t like being in, but at the same time it’s the world he became an adult in. And because that world hurt you, the guilt alone is probably enough to make him believe he never should have left it. Also, I suspect, particularly after what happened, that he went back to it because he thinks it will keep you safe.”
“But that makes no sense. He knows I care about him, so how could think he’s helping me by leaving me? Where would he get a stupid idea like that?”
Her expression was sad. Yami has kept more from you than I thought he had.
Yugi looked at her nervously. “Ma’…I mean, Eve?”
“I’m sorry, I was lost in thought for a moment.”
“It’s okay.”
Looking at Yugi, she wanted to tell him everything she knew. But there were some stories that simply weren’t hers to tell.
Seeing the sadness in his face, she said, “I know it doesn’t seem like it when he acts like this, but Yami cares about you more than anything in this world. I think, if there’s anyone who he would stop running for, anyone who he would come back to, it would be you.”
Yugi smiled slightly. “That means a lot, thank you. I just wish…”
She understood the words he hadn’t said. “I’m sure by now you’ve realized that it’s not easy, loving him. He has a lot of problems and unfortunately his ways of coping tend to hurt those who love him. It’s a sickness that has to get worse before it gets better. Nobody would blame you if you would rather walk away. I would understand completely.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Yugi stood up and backed toward the door. “And thank you for letting me know it’s okay to give up, but I can’t walk away. If nobody sticks with him, he’s never going to heal. I think he could be okay if he just gave himself a chance. I don’t want to see him become a drifter again just because he’s scared.”
“Yami’s lucky,” Eve said. “He’s lucky to have you. He knows it, but he won’t say it, so I’m telling you for him.”
Yugi paused, his hand on the doorknob. He wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t feel like he’d been all that lucky for Yami. An awkward silence fell over the room. Outside, rain clouds were gathering and thunder rumbled in the distance.
“Yami hates sounds like that,” Yugi said softly, almost to himself.
“No,” Eve said, understanding his comment. “He hates the memories.”
Memories. Yugi turned toward her. “Eve?”
“Yes?”
“Did Yami ever have…I mean, before me, was there anyone…never mind. I should go before it starts raining.” He opened the door. “Thanks for letting me visit.”
“It was no trouble, stop by anytime.”
As the door closed behind him, she sighed and closed her eyes, thankful that Yugi hadn’t finished his question.
It started raining before Yugi was halfway home. He kept walking even as it poured down harder and thought about what Eve said about sicknesses. How Yami’s had to play itself out. Thunder boomed across the city.
Deep inside, he had a dark feeling that it wasn’t finished getting worse.
Across town, a posse of police cars, followed by ambulances sped down the highway on a call reporting six men badly injured behind a building site. The men were well-known to the law, six vagrants who were commonly spotted drinking, being chased off property, or lurking in groups begging for change and harassing other drifters.
Now they all lay unconscious, blood oozing from blunt, open wounds. All except for the sixth man, Ezui Sasaki. The piece of rebar buried in his skull ensured that he would never have to worry about his injuries.
Half a mile away, Yami huddled, trembling, under the stairs of a fire escape, his hands clamped over his ears. Water dripping from the beams above slowly rinsed away the blood on his arms as he curled in a ball, tears streaming down his face as he sobbed.
Make it stop. Make it stop.
X - X - X
Notes: If this plot device of “Yami kills someone” seems a bit familiar, you’re not mistaken. I did go for a similar “twist” in a past fic. I was a newb back then though and I completely messed up the potential of the twist. This time, the results of said twist have been done much better. I’m actually quite looking forward to where this is headed, and I hope you are too. =3 The fic definitely starts to take a darker turn from here on out…
Happy belated birthday to Jounouchi!