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[aetigae]

Lonliness is an interesting thing. I think that it's something that I've suffered from all ym life without ever really understanding what it is. The need to reach out and to be reached out to, to see and be seen, to touch and hold and to be held is so powerful its almost breath-taking. That being said, I wonder about my life and the choices that I'

Comments

[anonymous]

"Weiler", you are a Good, Kind, Beautiful Man.

These are the qualities and the characteristics that you have chosen to be (with some guidance), and you carry them out with an un-relentless duty. You've carried out these duties to such a degree that you don't seem to realize that you are suffocating. Men were not made to breath underwater, so it is quite natural for them to flail while they begin to drown. This process is analogous to the conditions that are making it difficult for you to be still for extended periods and your "addiction to people". Psychologically, you are drowning.
The momentum of your body is doing whatever it can to keep you "afloat", thus you are unable to remain still. Every person you meet may present you with an opportunity to "be saved" from suffocation, adding to your momentum and excitement. The excitement may be confusing because it may seem to provide pleasure, that of which you are likely to feel guilty for feeling. Have you identified why you feel guilty when you feel pleasure? You have not

[aetigae]

An interesting thought. My question would be, of course, what is this "pool" that I happen to be "drowning" in?
And, also, who you are. You seem to know me, but I wonder....

Join the Fun
Weiler

[anonymous]

It "sounds" as if you don't believe me. From my perspective, in the "pool" is invalidation (somewhat self perpetuated), dismissal, and things that look like love, but are actually mechanisms of control. You are emotionally starved, and that maybe a non-nutritious emotional relational environment. A controlling environment seems very normal for you because it may be the case that it is what you've known almost your whole life. Chances are that you don't recognize it. Since you are extremely sensitive, you are vulnerable to emotional blackmail. One example of this is: "Honey, if you love me, you'll do as I say". This subtly translates into: "If you want my approval, you're going to have to do xyz for me, regardless of what YOU want, otherwise, I'm going to shun you, tease you, punish you, and/or leave you behind to fend for yourself." You, "Weiler", in order to express love for another, seem to have learned that, to do so, is to abnegate your own wants, and needs. Since you have done this for nearly a lifetime, it seems that, you have

[anonymous]

I am one who does not know you, only one who has a glimpse in what you do and say. From what I have seen, I have a tremendous amount of admiration for you and I want to encourage you seek the help that you need to live a long, loving, wonderful life. Your crisis is real. The potential for you to self sabotage to a point where you feel there is no way out but to commit suicide seems very strong. My prescription is that, when you are able and willing, find a very good PsyD who specializes in Attachment Theory and Interpersonal Relationships, because your brain, in particular, is a delicate precision instrument that requires someone who knows what they are doing to unlock it for you so that you may have use of its full potential through your life journey, and these two areas seem to be where you need a lot of guidance. A MSW or a M.Psy that doesn't know how to "see" you may bulldoze you in a way that will not be helpful, and there are many that will do that

[aetigae]

I wonder how it is that you found me, mysterious reader, and what possibly could have enticed you into being so interested with my well-being. Do not mistake me here, I am very grateful for the conversation, it has been quite stimulating, but do forgive my curiosity in your identity. It is not often that I get comments, especially from someone that I do not know

[anonymous]

"Weiler", thank you. I do not want to be overly intrusive

[anonymous]

Stated in the first comment above, I claimed "Your soul is bleeding and it needs love. Love is a two way street. . ." immediately after I suggested getting help. I see now how you have interpreted my suggestion. Again, we do not go to a professional for love, we go to a professional to learn how to let love in. The reason that I suggest that you need help is because you have learned habits and ways that make it difficult for you to receive love. A professional hopefully realizes where the blockades are and helps you remove and build them when necessary so that you are able to best function just being you. Again, it should be education you seek (distinct from knowledge, it is wisdom).

[aetigae]

Very lucid. I did not mean to sound disbelieving. I was, however, curious as to the source of your metaphor and exploring more of its meanings and implications. If you continue to interact with me you will learn that I am a sucker for metaphor and that I will often try and dissect it to an atomic level

[anonymous]

The metaphor is actually very Freudian. I think it is beautiful that you have that wonderful sense of curiosity

[anonymous]

I strongly encourage you to explore this great big vast world. You have one lifetime to do that, and make the most of it while are able!