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Lonliness is an interesting thing. I think that it's something that I've suffered from all ym life without ever really understanding what it is. The need to reach out and to be reached out to, to see and be seen, to touch and hold and to be held is so powerful its almost breath-taking. That being said, I wonder about my life and the choices that I'
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These are the qualities and the characteristics that you have chosen to be (with some guidance), and you carry them out with an un-relentless duty. You've carried out these duties to such a degree that you don't seem to realize that you are suffocating. Men were not made to breath underwater, so it is quite natural for them to flail while they begin to drown. This process is analogous to the conditions that are making it difficult for you to be still for extended periods and your "addiction to people". Psychologically, you are drowning.
The momentum of your body is doing whatever it can to keep you "afloat", thus you are unable to remain still. Every person you meet may present you with an opportunity to "be saved" from suffocation, adding to your momentum and excitement. The excitement may be confusing because it may seem to provide pleasure, that of which you are likely to feel guilty for feeling. Have you identified why you feel guilty when you feel pleasure? You have not learned about the defense-mechanisms that distract you from the realization that you are dying.
In THIS psychological pool, "Weiler", you have never learned how to swim in because no one has been able to teach you. Many friends and loved ones try and have the best of intentions, but sometimes, intentions are not sufficient. Parents do the best they can to show their children what's right, but sometimes they don't do it well, especially when they have a child who is acutely sensitive, as you are, "Weiler". Because of your sensitive nature, you have learned what is expected of you, particularly from those who you love and those who seem to love you. You have learned this at the expense of your own wants and needs that involve others, and the part of you that normally sleeps while you're awake is trying to tell you that there is no air and it's drowning. Many others do not have your sensitivities and cannot recognize that you are in a crisis.
You are a good man, "Weiler", and even good men are going to have "ugly" moments in their lives. It's a lifetime's journey to learn to accept this fact. Love heals; it does not cause harm. Please be nice to yourself. There are those of us out there that hurt when you hurt. You know what I mean by this.
You need help that family and loved ones are probably not going to be able to provide at this time, and you need it soon. Your soul is bleeding and it needs love. Love is a two way street. . .Erich Fromm presented it as: "To love and be loved; to serve and be served." You have vast amounts of it for all but yourself. Please be good to yourself, Beautiful Man.
Your friend!
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And, also, who you are. You seem to know me, but I wonder....
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Weiler
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The psychological pool: Unconscious and Subconscious--Going back to your childhood, recognizing the wants and the needs of almost all little children, and connecting how those things are directly related to the wants and needs that you have today that, you still are not allowing to come to surface, potentially because of the fear you will be abandoned and disapproved, guilt and a belief (imposed upon self) that you don't deserve them, and/or maybe that you'll experience the absence of a loving presence. "Weiler", what is a loving presence? What have you done/do you do for others to gain their affection? When have you avoided people because you were afraid of your feelings for them? These questions for some, take a lifetime to learn, and others never do. Many seek God and church as their way to experience the sensation of forgiveness, never full comprehending that freedom is something that comes with from within and exudes from an enlightened self. Many organized religions will not promote an enlightened self, because their existence is possible mostly because ignorance (opposite of an enlightened self) promotes a dependency or a deficit of self that the organization claims to fill. They too, call this love.
It is sometimes easier to explain what love is not. It is tied to emotions, but it, in itself, is not an emotion. A good book to read (one I had quoted before) is "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm.
Again, because you are sensitive (which in itself is a beautiful, wonderful gift that you have, especially when channeled in a healthy direction), you can be easily abused. However; when those sensitivities are nurtured and you are free to express your full range of self, your presence can be humbling (a trait of noble leaders and kings!) and earth moving at the same time. To be perfectly selfish on my part; I would love for you to see how rare and beautiful you are, especially given your lived experiences. That will only come with education on your part. Education is different than social layering.
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All in all, I do not want to make you uncomfortable and give you the impression that you have a stalker or anything like that, so if I have, I'll ask for your forgiveness. As you have chosen a pseudonym, I also choose to remain anonymous. Know that you have some angelic guardians who are concerned about your well-being. Love be with you.
Your Friend!
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Now, I assure you that I will not be doing anything so foolish as committing suicide. That proves nothing and is the easy way out, and I am not interested in that. I am interested in self-betterment and growth and learning, and suicide is ignorant and destructive. I have already been through that lesson. As far as a psychologist is necessary, I simply can't bring myself to see one. I am sure that they would unearth mountainous problems from my cerebellum and decide that I need extensive mental overhaul, but I would have a hard time believing it, nor do I think it necessary. I shall work through my problems myself and with those who care for me. In the end I feel that it is compassion and true concern for a person that can save and heal and it would taste a lie to pay someone to be that. However, I do think that the learning offered by a person who has extensively studied such things would be a great resource, but I might content myself with looking into the matter myself.
Lastly, you do not make me uncomfortable, just surprised, and curious. And Weiler, while not revealing, isn't a pseudonym. It is my name, just part of it, as this journal is not all of me, but a glimpse into a part of me.
Thank you for your concern and well-wishes.
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Weiler
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Death occurs on many levels, as does suicide-not all are physical (although a psychological death may very well lead to an untimely physical one). We do not seek out medical doctors because they like us; we do so to live, and hopefully live healthy. I understand your perspective on the subject of psychologists, however, you are not paying one to love you, nor are you paying for him/her to be your friend. You are paying him/her for their education. It would not be reasonable, for you as a musician, to dedicate much of your life, youth, and focus of expertise into your education, and be expected to play or teach without compensation. There are times and places for freebies, and friends are great, however, many of them do not have the education necessary to aid you in fields that are paramedical. Do not be so quick to think that you are not in need of help, nor should you place your beliefs in your own perception (or the ones that you like the most) or solely in the things you think you know. A medical doctor can advise and treat a patient who continues to smoke, despite his/her asthmatic condition and family history of lung cancer, however, the doctor cannot/will not do more than advise and treat. Not seeing a doctor isn't going to make the condition better, it just takes away the feelings of being nagged. The same is the case for some of the less obvious mental conditions (which can and most often do have effect of physical symptoms). If you are resistant, then as you wish.
Sum and parts. Some parts were never meant to be separated. What is wholeness?
Your Friend!
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I do understand your point in talking about an environment of controlling individuals and the subjugation of my own wants and needs. My argument for this, however, is to turn the tables. Would not the expression of my own desires as a higher priority than the desires of others simply turn me into one of the manipulators? Or, further still, if I was able to reconcile that the desires that I felt did not in any way negatively impact others, nor did they require others to subjugate their desires for mine, wouldn't I then be alone, a fate most terrible to think of? I think that it might be possible to argue that love, and relationships, require subjugating one's desires from time to time, and that without this element of empathy and sacrifice we could not have the institutions that our society believes in, like marriage, etc. By accepting the fact that sacrifice of one's desires is a part of any relationship, I am trying, in turn, to perfect that aspect and become a selfless being. Indeed, do not we honor and cherish those who are selfless? Are not they the ones whom we raise as a shinning example of humanity and charity? I have no global aspirations, but to become that on a domestic level with one's own peers and loved ones is to be the powerful figure among them, the one to whom the most love and admiration is directed. I want to be loved, so I seek this level.
I will also agree that love is something more expressed by what it isn't than what it is. Perhaps we shall never gain the words to truly express it. In fact, I just did a play concerned with this very idea.
Also, very true. Education is usually, in fact, the opposite of social layering. Thinking critically is the only truth.
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Weiler
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In response to wants and needs: I would like to clarify some terminology so that it may be clear about a distinction between subjugation and abnegation.
The definition of subjugation is as follows:
# forced submission to control by others
# oppression: the act of subjugating by cruelty; "the tyrant's oppression of the people"
# conquest: the act of conquering
The definition of abnegation is as follows:
# the denial and rejection of a doctrine or belief; "abnegation of the Holy Trinity"
# renunciation of your own interests in favor of the interests of others
I deliberately used the word "abnegation" in the form of the second definition listed because I believe that it is more correct in describing the condition where there is a deficit of having your needs met. Subjugation would imply that you've had little to no part in this deficit, and while that may have been the case while you were a child, it seems that you utilize the former as means to provide other needs, such as safety and security in familial and familiar relationships.
You asked, "Would not the expression of my own desires as a higher priority than the desires of others simply turn me into one of the manipulators?" Most likely, yes. You may or may not recognize how denying your own needs for the sake of others still provides something for you. I make this as a quantitative statement, not a qualitative.
I did not understand your question of desires, negative impact, subjugation, and being alone. Can you restate the question?
When talking about love and relationships, please be careful not to confuse abnegation/subjugation with compromise. Compromising, in its best use, does not utilize consistent actions that emotionally or physically deprive self and/or other. Sacrifice and empathy in conjunction with Love and Compassion are lifelong lessons learned and are not easily summed up in this comment, nor do they seem to be consistent with what our society believes (please see original comment for statement about many of the organized religions). Jesus is one example: he was such a good man, that the human population doesn't seem to accept that he was a man; they have to make him out to be infinity times more, thus making Him unreachable. If he were here today, in the flesh, we would (as a society) most likely kill him again.
I will not claim that the things that have written here are the end-all-be-all. I will say that I am very deliberate in what I am attempting to expose, however, now may not be the time, and this is definitely not the medium. We all learn in our own time, if we are to learn at all. I wish the best for you.
Your Friend!
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