tears

[aetheldaeg]

I have been thinking about my seemingly endless tears. I have been depressed in the past but I don't think my tears are a result of being depressed. Some of my tears are for me. Tears for the loss of peace, fear of the unknown and that horrible scary word cancer. I have always cried at movies and sometimes books. I cry when I am happy and when I am

Comments

[nikator]

Naw, you're human, but you're more sensitive, now. Methinks?

Most of us, we're de-sensitized and callous, and we couldn't muster up tears unless someone stabbed us.

If you're in a period of depression, then we're here for ya.

** hug **

depression

[aetheldaeg]

Thank you. I don't know if I am depressed. I sleep ok, I still laugh and have joy in my life. Can you have all that and still be depressed? It is nice to know people are there for me either way.

Diagnosis: there's nothing wrong with you. : )

[nikator]

I don't think anything's wrong with you at all. I think you're just sensitive. Is that a bad thing to feel emotion. I don't think so.

Can you still sleep, laugh, and experience joy if you're depressed? My personal experience is yes, but it takes me expensive pills to get that which you're blessed naturally.

Re: Diagnosis: there's nothing wrong with you. : )

[aetheldaeg]

I take little purple happy pills every day. They don't make me happy themselves but they enable me to laugh, be happy and keep going. Maybe one day I'll get to a place where the purple happy pill will be a thing of the past. If I don't, well then, Thank God for them. :o)

Re: Diagnosis: there's nothing wrong with you. : )

[nikator]

Hmm, your purple pills to my flesh-tone anti-depressants. We share something in common (sorry if that offends you).

Re: Diagnosis: there's nothing wrong with you. : )

[aetheldaeg]

Nope it doesn't offend me. Depression isn't something to be ashamed of. It happens, just like cancer or the common cold. Sometimes life gets to be too much and if you get low enough and stay there long enough you can't help yourself. meh!

Re: Diagnosis: there's nothing wrong with you. : )

[nikator]

According to the family doc, it is a "family thing". I'm like my dad. And it doesn't help to have the low spots along the way, I just have no way of coping. The worst part is that they're only treating the depression component--I'm bipolar.

Re: Diagnosis: there's nothing wrong with you. : )

[aetheldaeg]

Why are they only treating the depression? That doesn't make much sense to me. I have known a few people who are bipolar. They did pretty well when they were on their meds, but because it is a chemical thing sometimes the levels become more skewed and they would have some serious difficultlies. One guy would stop taking his meds when he was feeling good because he didn't think he needed them any more. Finally someone would convince him to see his doctor and he would go back on medication only to repeat the cycle over and over. Does wintertime make it worse for you? I suffer from SAD. Driving to work in the dark and coming home the dark is so blah. I feel like mole person!

My Chemical Happiness.

[nikator]

Long story short: they're treating the problem that occurs most frequently, and with grave consequences--my depression. My manic days occur every three weeks (just to throw out a number), and last only one day; I pity the people around me having to deal with me on that day.

I tried lithium, and fell off of it because I literally became a zombie; the focus upon depression was for my attempt. They gave me meds for someone with severe depression, and they work like a charm (after they found the proper dosage); I think it's still a bit too high because my dreams are occasionally terrors, but not like the week of night terrors I experienced when we tried doubling the dosage.

The cost of happiness: astronomical pharmaceuticals and the occasional day of rowdiness/horseplay. I still don't smile (at least, that's what everyone around me says) and I look sad, but I'm neutral most of the time--that is, I feel nothing. It's wayyyyyyy better than before. : ) Without them, I'm unemployable; with them, I'm normal.

Re: My Chemical Happiness.

[aetheldaeg]

It's none of my business and I could be totally out to lunch (in which case I expect you to tell me so) but maybe you aren't as neutral as you say. I think you have quite a sense of humour, perhaps misunderstood by others, but it's there. Often your entries are about crazy customers - sometimes you seem to be shaking your head and wondering how people can be so dumb and other times you seem quite upset. You definitely seemed pissed about the incident at the nursing home. Maybe you just aren't as aware of what you are feeling because the extremes aren't there as often.
My eternal optimism is showing. (hasn't been around much lately) I try to see the positive and the good in situations and people. I am glad that you have found something that works and never mind about what people say. Smiling is highly over rated.

The world through my eyes.

[nikator]

I notice the extremes in the morning and after work. Before my pinkies, I'd wake up with this "Oh, shit, I'm still alive." attitude. I'd go to work with a frown, and come home dwelling on everything that went wrong throughout the day, even if it's one bad thing and four good things. I would stew on it until bed time, then have crappy sleep or cry (depending upon how worked up and worried I became

Re: The world through my eyes.

[aetheldaeg]

The fact that you bounce back quickly is a good thing. I am glad to hear that. It sounds like you have come a long way, you should be pleased with yourself. It takes a lot of courage to deal with stuff rather than running away or escaping.

Cowardice

[nikator]

Actually, my "attempt" implies that I took the cowardly way first, and had to deal with my issues after it didn't work because I'm stuck with being alive.

Re: Cowardice

[aetheldaeg]

Maybe then you were cowardly but not now. I am no expert but I was at one time seriously considering the same thing but it wasn't cowardice that was driving me, it was desperation. I wanted the pain to stop.

Inner Strength

[nikator]

You are a very strong woman.