tears

[aetheldaeg]

I have been thinking about my seemingly endless tears. I have been depressed in the past but I don't think my tears are a result of being depressed. Some of my tears are for me. Tears for the loss of peace, fear of the unknown and that horrible scary word cancer. I have always cried at movies and sometimes books. I cry when I am happy and when I am

Comments

The world through my eyes.

[nikator]

I notice the extremes in the morning and after work. Before my pinkies, I'd wake up with this "Oh, shit, I'm still alive." attitude. I'd go to work with a frown, and come home dwelling on everything that went wrong throughout the day, even if it's one bad thing and four good things. I would stew on it until bed time, then have crappy sleep or cry (depending upon how worked up and worried I became).

I dunno if this is a good thing or not, but I'm more apathetic; stuff goes wrong, I'm pissed during the day, yes, still, but it doesn't wreck my day. I'll face the same problem the following morning with a fresh outlook and go ahead. When I wake up in the morning, nothing comes to mind. The alarm goes off, and almost instinctively, I get up and go about my morning routine. Occasionally, I carry some frustration over night and the following morning, but nothing even close.

My neutrality is not judging the day before it has begun (in the morning) so that I come to work without prejudice. I'm not "on edge" and the first irate won't just set me off and cause me to lose my composure and (also) become irate. Now, the same customers that tell me to stick the (entire?) Internet up my wazoo make me laugh. Really, how does one stick the entire Internet up one's wazoo?

The week before I made my "attempt", every day coming home from work, I had suicidal ideation. I wondered if I could do one way or the other. Now, it hasn't entirely disappeared, but (again) nowhere near the quantity. After the break-up, I cried for a week straight, morning, during my shift, and in the evening; my attention span before, during, and after my meds steadily increased. Just over one day after taking my pink pretty, the tears ceased. It gave me a little control over my emotions, although it took several months to level out to where I am, now.

I give credit (not all) to the drugs as I had much baggage and soul searching before I could even reach this point. Does this explain everything? You're not wrong as I'm not always neutral, but I bounce back very fast from any setbacks.

Re: The world through my eyes.

[aetheldaeg]

The fact that you bounce back quickly is a good thing. I am glad to hear that. It sounds like you have come a long way, you should be pleased with yourself. It takes a lot of courage to deal with stuff rather than running away or escaping.

Cowardice

[nikator]

Actually, my "attempt" implies that I took the cowardly way first, and had to deal with my issues after it didn't work because I'm stuck with being alive.

Re: Cowardice

[aetheldaeg]

Maybe then you were cowardly but not now. I am no expert but I was at one time seriously considering the same thing but it wasn't cowardice that was driving me, it was desperation. I wanted the pain to stop.

Inner Strength

[nikator]

You are a very strong woman.