GenderFUCK

[_rainbow_tears_]

I'm having a really hard time right now

Comments

[laguz_godin]

I hear you, and I sympathize.
I've been going through much the same thing...my deal is, how do I know what's the right thing to do for me? And who will stick by me when I feel such strong needs for change? And if she doesn't stick by me, what am I going to do?
*sigh*

I'm with you. 100%. And I don't even ACTUALLY know you...*Sigh*
Good luck and Goddess bless.

-Lg

[_rainbow_tears_]

My deal is, how do I know what's the right thing to do for me? Yeah, that's where I'm at too. It's a life altering decision. Changing your gender permanently is a huge step. I need to make sure it's what's right. But how do I know? I feel this overwhelming pressure building up inside me, pushing for a change. But it still confuses the hell out of me. Part of me is scared of losing visibility in the gay scene--my only home. In essence, I'll be a man with a woman... heterosexual. It's scary. And the even more pressing issue is who will stand by me when and if I do decide to take this leap, beyond dressing the part, beyond being butch... who will support me when and if I start taking T and have top surgery? I know the real answer is, that it doesn't matter. I'll be who I'm truly meant to be. But it's a lonely feeling, knowing that everyone I've loved and leaned on may run away simply because I want to show my true self.

Can you tell I'm a tad conflicted? I contradict myself every other sentence. :-/

And even though I don't know you, I

[laguz_godin]

*sigh*
I just don't know what to do.
My gf's coming to visit me...and I need to talk to her...about it all..because I really don't have anyone to talk to.
I've been so comfy in the dyke/lesbian world...I don't know if I have the strength to change...
but I need to change.
It hurts, so much, so much .... I just don't know what to do.
And I gather you're in the same boat...

Just out of curiosity...how old are you?
I'm 21.

-Lg

[_rainbow_tears_]

I've nestled myself into my little niche in the dyke world and it's comfortable. It's terrifying to think of ever leaving it. I don't know if I have the strength to change, I don't know if I deserve the change, but I also need to change. My gf says she'll stand by me through thick and thin... but, she's a lesbian and she hates guys and penises and body hair. She says she loves me no matter what, but somehow I feel that applies only if I'm female. So, do I risk it? If she leaves me, I'm scared of never finding anyone who will want to date a transguy. Blah. I don't know.

And I'm 18. Well, for another two weeks at least.

[thefunera1party]

Haven't seen you in awhile.

I understand partially where you are coming from. I don't indentify myself as trans, but rather being both genders or absolutely neither. I feel like sometimes both my masculinity and feminity need to be let out for me to be happy. However, I am no closer to determining and defining my own sexual identity. I guess I could only say that giving it time might be the best thing for you, because the older I get the more understand myself. Forcing myself to mold to things and see myself as something that I'm not sure I am have just made me more confused and frustrated. I still end up wanting to slash and tear at my body in hopes that me on the inside can get free.

[_rainbow_tears_]

I don't indentify myself as trans, but rather being both genders or absolutely neither. That's kind of what I was getting at with my feminity statement. I feel as if I can't choose a gender, like I can't fit either one, and I'm kind of stuck in between. My masculinity and my femininity fight to control me, and at times one feels right, at times the other feels right, at times both feel right, and at times neither feels right. I still end up wanting to slash and tear at my body in hopes that me on the inside can get free. I couldn't have said it better.

[thefunera1party]

I'm glad you can relate and also sad that you can at the same time. I wish there was a surgery for me to be completely blank sometimes. No definining features or sexual organs. That's how I feel...blank. Other times I wish I had a huge throbbing cock to smack people around with, and other times I'm fine with what I look like on the outside. But never am I truly comfortable with it.

[_rainbow_tears_]

I sometimes wish I could be blank, ambiguous. I wish I didn't feel the need to define myself. Not so much with labels and not with justifying myself to someone else, just being comfortable with myself and knowing who I am and what I want. I can't say that I've ever been comfortable with myself. I've always been missing pieces. Right now I just am. I'm not living, I'm not thriving, I'm not happy. I just am. And that's a pitiful state that I don't want to be in. I want to accept myself.

[flashmerain0834]

love you bro... gimme a call sometime...
~ ted

[_rainbow_tears_]

Definitely. :-) I'll make a roadtrip to Cincy this summer. We'll chill.

[flashmerain0834]

make that road trip to kent... i'll be here all summer

[_rainbow_tears_]

Boo. But okay, it's a deal. I can see Jess too! :-)

[freki_cowgirl]

it'll work out for you. i know it. you're strong enough to get through it, look back, and say "hey, i made it. fuck those who didn't"

[_rainbow_tears_]

Chris...

I miss you.

[freki_cowgirl]

miss you too. it'd be easier to talk if i wasn't running out at all hours of the day and night.

[_rainbow_tears_]

:-/ Enjoying it at least?

[appletwinkie]

I'm new here to your journal, but from reading about you, I think you're wonderful, strong, and very powerful. Don't run away from yourself...embrace yourself. I hear your frustration...of as you say "floating between who you were and who you want to be." That in between time is often the hardest.

See it through. Hang in there. You're a fighter...you're gonna make it.

[_rainbow_tears_]

Aww, thanks. The encouragement is greatly needed... and appreciated even more. :-) It's frustrating, yes, but I'm not giving up. How can I? It's my identity, my happiness, my life... I'm gonna see it through. :-)