GenderFUCK
I'm having a really hard time right now.
It's hard to change when I'm stuck in this caste system of what society, my past, and my genetics have molded for me. I think I know what I want, I just can't quite attain it. I'm scared. Being queer, let alone trans, is scary when you're in the Midwest. I don't know who I am right now. I'm floating between who I was and who I want to be. I can't regress or progress. I'm at a stalemate with myself and my soul. I'm hidden in plain sight and I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel as if I'm betraying a part of myself.
I'm trying to sort through this all, I'm trying to figure out what my desires truly are and what ones have been ingrained into me. I don't know where to go. I'm elated when I pass without even trying, when I can walk into the men's restroom without a second glance and when I'm called "sir" at a grocery store. But at the same time, a small, feeble voice is protesting deep inside of me. My femininity feels betrayed. I don't know everything about being transgender and I'll never claim to. I don't know how others feel or what they experience within, but I am still in touch with my femininity. I'm not feminine, that's for sure. But it's still there. It feels out of place, but I'm unable to rid myself of it. My biology is all wrong. I'm trapped inside of the body I was born with and it seems as if I'll never escape.
I've been running away from my pain all of my life and I've finally realized that it's impossible to run away from myself.
I don't know who I am anymore. The only word I can use to describe myself is
genderfuck.
It's hard to change when I'm stuck in this caste system of what society, my past, and my genetics have molded for me. I think I know what I want, I just can't quite attain it. I'm scared. Being queer, let alone trans, is scary when you're in the Midwest. I don't know who I am right now. I'm floating between who I was and who I want to be. I can't regress or progress. I'm at a stalemate with myself and my soul. I'm hidden in plain sight and I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel as if I'm betraying a part of myself.
I'm trying to sort through this all, I'm trying to figure out what my desires truly are and what ones have been ingrained into me. I don't know where to go. I'm elated when I pass without even trying, when I can walk into the men's restroom without a second glance and when I'm called "sir" at a grocery store. But at the same time, a small, feeble voice is protesting deep inside of me. My femininity feels betrayed. I don't know everything about being transgender and I'll never claim to. I don't know how others feel or what they experience within, but I am still in touch with my femininity. I'm not feminine, that's for sure. But it's still there. It feels out of place, but I'm unable to rid myself of it. My biology is all wrong. I'm trapped inside of the body I was born with and it seems as if I'll never escape.
I've been running away from my pain all of my life and I've finally realized that it's impossible to run away from myself.
I don't know who I am anymore. The only word I can use to describe myself is
genderfuck.