2 episodes of irregular heartbeats, feeling hot with cold sweaty hands,being dizzy, delayed reactions, fading vision and sound make for a long, exhausting day. But with the impending feeling of departing this life, i have discovered that i actually want to be here. I have no plans of leaving any time soon.

And I'm a badass for working through this.

( Read more... )

Today was shitty.

Am i strong enough to find a way to better myself from it? Will it defeat me?

I'm depressed. showing classic signs. eating more and with little regard to my health. tired. staying up later, sleeping later. showering less. anxious. barely making it to work on time. disinterested.

for weeks. it's not super consistent.  i can still laugh, be grateful, and enjoy myself. but, i know what will happen if i pretend it's not ( Read more... )

I really want to be healthier, emotionally...the journey is long, and the map is  incredibly cryptic...i need better tools...

I took a giant, scary step, today...instead of exhilaration and liberation, I feel exhaustion...and, it was just a phone call...

Last night, with loving support, I dug deep and reopened, old infected wounds and poured in much needed medicine...i medicated all of my new wounds..i laughed, I cried, I spoke, I listened...my "soul" thanks me today , but only time will tell how much healing will actually occur..I'm facing my future head on with optimism...

I had a hell of a day...work, a trip to the er, more work, more moving of belongings...I'm ready to put the day behind me...prescribing myself much needed rest before work tomorrow...

what the fuck is normal? healthy? and why should i care?

i feel better today, stronger...i have avoided television...i got some exercise...i feel better about my world, my place...i feel more optimistic about my future than i have in a long time...

i put on a brave face and did it, band-aid style...

which is totally not my style, but i had to know...i guess i can move on with life now..

( recap: )