Time For A Change
Everybody fails sometimes. Depending on how big your own personal failure is the scent of defeat may stick around for a long time.
I admit it, I failed hard.
Its pretty much every serious student's worst nightmare to have to leave their college and come home and attend a community school. That's exactly what happened to me. Everyone tells you that there's no shame in it and your family will be happy to see you and that no one will think any less of you for it.
Well, I can tell you all that its a boldfaced lie.
The truth is, the pity that surrounds me nearly every day is thick enough to cut with a knife. When I first came home, I got the questions.
"Back so soon?"
And many others. The shifty eyes, the whispers, the giggles. The teasing that I couldn't handle a real school. And then at home. The pressure. "Where are you going to apply?" " Why don't you take more classes?" "You need to get out more." "Why are you never home?"
The contradiction in here is destroying me. I work 30+ hours a week serving people in a diner. I pay my own tuition. I try to find my own transportation when I can. I am working on getting my driver's license and I am buying my first car completely by myself. I have all As and Bs and a full course load. Yet, that's not enough for my family. Why does everyone seem to think I am shiftless and lazy?
My Father feels the need to interrogate my boyfriend every time I convince him to step into my home. For some reason everyone disapproves of a relationship which frankly, is really none of their business. I understand that they want the best for me, but honestly they know nothing about Russ. All they know is that he's an Atheist and what he does in school. Because that's all they ever ask him about. What he wants in the future. They don't know his favorite color, his best memory, or even what he likes to do in his spare time. In fact, Russ told me that my Father makes him uncomfortable because he never makes small talk. All he does is ask really serious questions. They can never just have a pleasant conversation. I don't blame him for not wanting to come around. But because he loves me, he does whenever I ask. No one seems to understand that.
I am tired of this feeling. I'm tired of feeling like I am the cause of all the problems in my family and like I am a bad example. The truth is, I miss the way things used to be between me and my parents. They told me that I've changed and "they don't know me anymore". I have changed, I've become stronger. More driven. More willing to fight for what I want and do what I think is right even if they don't agree. I am sick of feeling like I have to justify my decisions, my hopes and my dreams underneath their values. I may not be fully adult yet, but I am no longer a child. I no longer agree with everything that they say. I feel like they hate me because I didn't grow up to be exactly like them.
So, I think that its time for a change.
I want to move. It won't be easy and its not ideal, but I cannot take this anymore. I think its time for my parents and I to part ways. Its taken me nearly an entire year to come to this decision and there are still parts of me that doubt and fear, but this is something I have to do. Everyone keeps telling me that I am not a kid anymore and that I need to act like an adult. Well, I do my best and I feel like I am treated like a criminal. Its time for me to leave Ashburn, for a place where no one cares about my past. Where I have old friends and new friends alike.
Friends, I am moving to Blacksburg and enrolling at New River Community College at the end of the Spring semester. And maybe things won't be peachy there, but at least I tried to change how I feel about my life.
If I fail again, then at least I will have no doubt that I gave it my best shot.
I admit it, I failed hard.
Its pretty much every serious student's worst nightmare to have to leave their college and come home and attend a community school. That's exactly what happened to me. Everyone tells you that there's no shame in it and your family will be happy to see you and that no one will think any less of you for it.
Well, I can tell you all that its a boldfaced lie.
The truth is, the pity that surrounds me nearly every day is thick enough to cut with a knife. When I first came home, I got the questions.
"Back so soon?"
And many others. The shifty eyes, the whispers, the giggles. The teasing that I couldn't handle a real school. And then at home. The pressure. "Where are you going to apply?" " Why don't you take more classes?" "You need to get out more." "Why are you never home?"
The contradiction in here is destroying me. I work 30+ hours a week serving people in a diner. I pay my own tuition. I try to find my own transportation when I can. I am working on getting my driver's license and I am buying my first car completely by myself. I have all As and Bs and a full course load. Yet, that's not enough for my family. Why does everyone seem to think I am shiftless and lazy?
My Father feels the need to interrogate my boyfriend every time I convince him to step into my home. For some reason everyone disapproves of a relationship which frankly, is really none of their business. I understand that they want the best for me, but honestly they know nothing about Russ. All they know is that he's an Atheist and what he does in school. Because that's all they ever ask him about. What he wants in the future. They don't know his favorite color, his best memory, or even what he likes to do in his spare time. In fact, Russ told me that my Father makes him uncomfortable because he never makes small talk. All he does is ask really serious questions. They can never just have a pleasant conversation. I don't blame him for not wanting to come around. But because he loves me, he does whenever I ask. No one seems to understand that.
I am tired of this feeling. I'm tired of feeling like I am the cause of all the problems in my family and like I am a bad example. The truth is, I miss the way things used to be between me and my parents. They told me that I've changed and "they don't know me anymore". I have changed, I've become stronger. More driven. More willing to fight for what I want and do what I think is right even if they don't agree. I am sick of feeling like I have to justify my decisions, my hopes and my dreams underneath their values. I may not be fully adult yet, but I am no longer a child. I no longer agree with everything that they say. I feel like they hate me because I didn't grow up to be exactly like them.
So, I think that its time for a change.
I want to move. It won't be easy and its not ideal, but I cannot take this anymore. I think its time for my parents and I to part ways. Its taken me nearly an entire year to come to this decision and there are still parts of me that doubt and fear, but this is something I have to do. Everyone keeps telling me that I am not a kid anymore and that I need to act like an adult. Well, I do my best and I feel like I am treated like a criminal. Its time for me to leave Ashburn, for a place where no one cares about my past. Where I have old friends and new friends alike.
Friends, I am moving to Blacksburg and enrolling at New River Community College at the end of the Spring semester. And maybe things won't be peachy there, but at least I tried to change how I feel about my life.
If I fail again, then at least I will have no doubt that I gave it my best shot.