An asexual aromantic relationship with Jesus
"I want to know why it is all in my head and not in my heart."
I've been reading one of my old prayer journals (because as one reflects on a transition to atheism, it helps to understand the journey). What strikes me now is how obviously asexual I was, and how much anxiety fed into my relationship with God, because I didn't know why I was different.
The journal covers much of high-school and college years. All growing up, I had been assured that one day I'd fall in love and get married, and I was starting to feel the pressure from my family to do so. I really wanted to understand love, and even more understand why I did not feel it.
I wrote this letter to God at the age of eighteen, before I knew I was aromantic asexual. My inner turmoil and my struggle with religion makes a lot more sense in the light of my sexuality.
Dear God,
Why don't I know what love is? Why don't I know the difference? Do I feel love for my family? How do I know? Do I feel love for my friends? Do I feel anything for anyone? Why is there no one who makes my heart flutter? Why is there never that caring emotion sparking in my soul?
Maybe I expect too much of the commercial view. Why have I never felt a spark of love, or even friendship? Why does everything come from the thought of what I should be feeling, and responding to that rather than what I am feeling?
What is it like to know someone--to know everything about that person? To love him and know that you do? What is it like? Why do I feel like such a phony when it comes to emotion? I know happy, sad, angry--the traditional repertoire. But when it comes to caring or loving... I don't know. I just don't.
And if I don't know what love feels like, how do I know if I love you? You ask if I love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. Part of me says yes, simply because I want to. The rest of me says 'what does it feel like to love?'
At the time, I was anguished and desperate for an answer. I thought that when I found someone and fell in love, I'd start to understand what it meant to love God. I remember thinking it all the time: I'm terrible at relationships with tangible people, so how am I supposed to maintain a relationship with an intangible God?
The truth of the matter is that I'm not terrible at relationships. I just experience them differently, because I'm asexual.
A later excerpt read:
I don't really fear your awesome, supernatural power. That part of you just isn't real enough yet. Sometimes you're like any other guy. I just want you to be my friend. Then I won't have to say 'I love you' and be afraid I'm lying. I gotta get help on this love issue. I wish I could just feel it.
I think that's an interesting sentiment. When I approach a person, I just want them to be my friend. That's the most I ever want from anyone. It's very aromantic/asexual of me.
I've been reading one of my old prayer journals (because as one reflects on a transition to atheism, it helps to understand the journey). What strikes me now is how obviously asexual I was, and how much anxiety fed into my relationship with God, because I didn't know why I was different.
The journal covers much of high-school and college years. All growing up, I had been assured that one day I'd fall in love and get married, and I was starting to feel the pressure from my family to do so. I really wanted to understand love, and even more understand why I did not feel it.
I wrote this letter to God at the age of eighteen, before I knew I was aromantic asexual. My inner turmoil and my struggle with religion makes a lot more sense in the light of my sexuality.
Dear God,
Why don't I know what love is? Why don't I know the difference? Do I feel love for my family? How do I know? Do I feel love for my friends? Do I feel anything for anyone? Why is there no one who makes my heart flutter? Why is there never that caring emotion sparking in my soul?
Maybe I expect too much of the commercial view. Why have I never felt a spark of love, or even friendship? Why does everything come from the thought of what I should be feeling, and responding to that rather than what I am feeling?
What is it like to know someone--to know everything about that person? To love him and know that you do? What is it like? Why do I feel like such a phony when it comes to emotion? I know happy, sad, angry--the traditional repertoire. But when it comes to caring or loving... I don't know. I just don't.
And if I don't know what love feels like, how do I know if I love you? You ask if I love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. Part of me says yes, simply because I want to. The rest of me says 'what does it feel like to love?'
At the time, I was anguished and desperate for an answer. I thought that when I found someone and fell in love, I'd start to understand what it meant to love God. I remember thinking it all the time: I'm terrible at relationships with tangible people, so how am I supposed to maintain a relationship with an intangible God?
The truth of the matter is that I'm not terrible at relationships. I just experience them differently, because I'm asexual.
A later excerpt read:
I don't really fear your awesome, supernatural power. That part of you just isn't real enough yet. Sometimes you're like any other guy. I just want you to be my friend. Then I won't have to say 'I love you' and be afraid I'm lying. I gotta get help on this love issue. I wish I could just feel it.
I think that's an interesting sentiment. When I approach a person, I just want them to be my friend. That's the most I ever want from anyone. It's very aromantic/asexual of me.