SVH Episode 3.05: Are You A Man Or Mouse?
I hope I'm not the only one who looks at the title of this episode and immediately thinks of that line in The Wizard of Oz where the Cowardly Lion sings, " I could show my prowess/Be a lion, not a mow-us, if I only had the noive..." Just me? Well, that's okay, because it's all relative -- that line is basically Todd's personal tagline for the entire episode. If Toddles only had the nerve, he could do such awesome things as break up with Liz, admit his feelings for Winston, and successfully put the words 'prowess' and 'mouse' in a song despite the fact that those words don't ever rhyme, at all. That's just badass.
Today, we have the next part in the ongoing Todd/Elizabeth/Random Intern Named Peter love triangle saga. If you missed the last few instalments, let me catch you up. Basically, Liz got an internship at the Tribune newspaper, only to find that she and the other intern, Peter, got along like something on fire. (It doesn't always have to be a house.) Todd became increasingly angry and yet continued to not punch anyone, instead channelling his rage into determination to save his relationship. Liz apparently didn't give too much of a shit, and kissed Peter.
And she's still is an almighty jerk-off.
The first scene is Jessica in the bathroom, where Elizabeth has left a shoebox on the counter. We don't know what's in the shoebox, and apparently, neither does Jess. (Hint: it's not shoes.) Of course she opens it, because leaving a shoebox out when Jess is around is akin to leaving carbs lying around when Regina George is on her Kalteen bar diet. A mouse pops out and runs away, prompting Jessica to scream like mad and flee the bathroom. I'm sorry, but what? I really can't justify Liz leaving a mouse inside a shoebox in a room where she knows Jess will be, and not tell her that there's vermin in there. I have a feeling this B-plot isn't exactly going to be A-grade material.
At the Moon Beach, Todd and Reggie are playing pool, while Winston pretends to clean the tables in the background. I think he's keeping an eye on them, if you know what I mean. Winston mentions that Liz has missed three of Todd's basketball games in a row, which I guess means that three weeks have gone by since the last episode. Or not, I don't know; how often do people play basketball? This all means that Liz obviously didn't tell Todd about the smoochy-smoochy in the newspaper office. Why am I not surprised? Todd's beeper goes off, and I laugh for the longest time. I don't know what it is about Toddles having a beeper, but it cracks me up. I hope he got it from Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman.
There is no excuse for an angle like this.
Winston is apparently as unhappy as I am about Liz's bullshit, telling him how unfair it is that the couple only gets to see each other when Liz can find a spare moment. Even Reggie says, "It's like she's calling for a Todd delivery," which totally calls for a Dirrty!, by the way. Winston insists that Todd start to be a man and tell Liz that he's not going to be her booty call buddy anymore. I guess in keeping with the Wizard of Oz theme, Winston's telling Toddles that he's had the nerve all along, and all he needs to do to prove it is to march up to that bitch and demand to see her more often. Or maybe just page her using his beeper. He he...beeper.
Todd goes over to Liz's house, and tells her that he's tired of taking the backseat in her life. She promptly breaks up with him. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. Todd realises that it's all about Peter, and she denies it, because she's stupid, with her stupid hair and her stupid stupidity and her stupid dumb cheating cheaterness. She tells him that they've nothing in common, and he responds by saying, "We both like...cereal." Probably not your winning argument there, Toddles. He tells her that she's the one who's changed, not him, and then storms out, dramatically throwing his beeper on the table. Not the beeper! Todd, think of what you're doing here! Think of the beeper!
"Let's not fight in front of the cereal, Liz."
Liz comes up to Jessica's room and tells her she broke up with Todd. Jess, who is seemingly allergic to sympathy, is like, "Oh, is that all?" Brokenhearted Liz sits on her sister's bed and has the nerve to feel sorry for Todd, and Jessica tells her that he's going to harass her until he gets her back. Boys can't stand letting Wakefields go, it seems. Todd then calls and tries to apologise for Liz breaking up with him. I don't even know. Liz lets it go to the machine, and the twins listen to poor pathetic Todd pore his heart out. I bet Jess is enjoying this. Apparently he neither has the nerve or a beeper anymore. Liz pines. Or...does something that looks like pining; I can't tell where she is emotionally right now.
Pay no attention to the Liz behind the curtain!
Reggie and Winston, those friends of Dorothy, come up to Todd at school and attempt to cheer him up by talking about all the ways he and Liz are perfect for each other. That's some real sensitivity there, you guys. Todd decides that he doesn't need Liz anymore...but he has to go to her house to pick up one of the CDs he left there. (And hopefully retrieve the beeper.) Winston and Reggie think that he reeks of desperation.
In class, Liz talks to Cheryl about how Todd's taking the breakup a lot worse than she thought. Well, what did you think would happen, Liz? Last time you broke up due to your cheating heart, he became a hulking, violent shell of a man. How is this any different? No, I'm really asking -- haven't we seen this storyline before, recently? In other news, Liz tells Cheryl that their labrat (or labmouse, rather) named Beethoven is missing.
No copyright infringement intended.
Back at home, Jessica is walking around the house with a mouse catcher, who is singing, "Ding dong, the mouse is dead." Really, he is. It's totally a callback to my Wizard of Oz tangent! Wow, that's trippy. Anyway, I think what we're getting from this scene is that Beethoven is dead. Insert the ever-dramatic first four notes of Beethoven's fifth symphony here. (That's right, bitches -- I know my Beethoven, and so do my droogs.) This mousehunt thing would've been so much easier if they'd retained their inappropriately-named dog from the book series, but oh well. I hope Prince Albert is happy in the Realm of Unwanted Wakefields, with Ned, Alice and Steven.
Liz and Cheryl come home and look for Beethoven, who is now dead. I kind-of hope he's not, for science's sake. Todd comes by with his "I want my CDs back" excuse, and Liz is reluctant to fully open the door, afraid that the mouse will scamper out. Only she doesn't tell Todd this, so he thinks that all the door slams in his face mean that she really hates him and never wants to get back together with him. This makes the Toddles angry (most things do), so he rings the doorbell again and tells her he's the witch's Dorothy demands all his stuff back. She's all, "La, here's your crap in a box, fuck you, bye," and slams the door once more. He stands there on her porch looking like a tool with a box. Ugh. Todd has reached a level of patheticness I wasn't even sure was reachable...like the end of a rainbow, only everything there is made of sadness and Munchkin corpses.
He represents the Reluctant Bachelor Guild.
Inside, Liz wonders where Beethoven would possibly go once freed from his shoebox prison. Cheryl says, "To the symphony?" Ba-dum-tsk! Thank you, Cheryl, please never make jokes again. Jessica comes in and makes fun of them for looking for Beethoven. She compares the great man to the Trix Rabbit or the Pillsbury Doughboy, which makes me think that Jess isn't aware that Beethoven was a real live dude way back when. Either that, or she thinks Ghostbusters was a documentary. Liz is like, "He's a mouse, duh!" and Jess quickly exits the room with the knowledge that she assisted in the murder of her sister's science experiment. Now how will we all do science, Jess?! HOW?!!
Todd and his box arrive at the Moon Beach, and Todd tells his BFFs how Liz got mad at him and gave him all his stuff back. Winston claims that he doesn't want to take sides in the breakup, despite the fact that he is very clearly on Todd's side. I notice he didn't give Liz any unnecessary shoulder pats. Because he's exhausted all of his innuendo for the episode, he comes right out (no pun intended) and tells Todd that "you need to spend some time with the guys!" Oh, okay, Winston. Yes, I see what you're doing here. There's so much mano e mano touching in this scene, it actually makes me laugh out loud. Winston's hands are everywhere at once! Just when you think Reggie might be feeling left out, bam! Reggie shoulder pat!
I feel like he's probably slimy.
Cut straight to the three amigos chillin' out in Reggie's pad. It's got surfboards and beer cans and pinball machines everywhere, like you knew it would. I bet it smells like Cheetos and death up in there. Oh, and Reggie is wearing a policeman's hat for no other reason except to confirm my theory that role-playing has just taken place in this house of filth. Reggie stands up and asks them, "Do you bad boys know what it's all about?" I think that's meant to be a Cops reference, but fuck it. I'm taking that out of context and running with it. Winston leaves (somewhat reluctantly) to go back to work, and then there's a montage where Reggie and Todd rock out on guitars and surf on the coffee table and play Boxing Nuns. Yep, that's a thing.
Nun fight at the OK Corral. I got a million of 'em!
At the Wakefield house, Jessica has bought herself a mouse and attempts to pass it off as Beethoven. Liz finds the receipt from the pet store, and Jess is forced to admit that she hired a hitman to take care of Beethoven. It would've been way cheaper if you'd just gotten a stupid Kansas orphan to pour water over him, O Great and Powerful Jess, but whatevs. Liz yells at Jess for a little bit in what I like to think is a moment of misplaced anger. Pretty sure she's mad at herself for fucking things up so royally with Todd. Liz goes off and has a cry over poor Beethoven's lost little mousey life, and Jess hilariously says, "Why would anyone name a mouse after a dog?" This may be a Lila-less episode, but Jess is picking up the slack.
(Random story: when my mother was pregnant with my younger brother, I begged, begged her to name him Beethoven, after the dog. I could never understand why she didn't acquiesce, and my dad tells me I resented him for so long because they decided to go with Michael.)
The next day at school, Reggie is beside himself. Apparently Todd has taken up residence in his squalid bachelor pad and won't leave. Yep, that feels like something Todd would do. Winston, probably cursing himself for not thinking to bring emotionally-unstable Todd over to his house, tells Reggie that as long as Toddles isn't thinking about Liz, the plan is working. Todd arrives, walking, talking and dressing like Reggie. Oh God, there's two of 'em. Except Todd refuses to shower, which, ew, Toddles! You are deeply stupid. Winston admits that the plan needs some altering, and I guess a bit of a hose-down as well.
I think the shirt is a magic eye puzzle.
Reggie takes Todd to the basketball hoop outside the Moon Beach and asks him for some pointers. He pretends to be really bad so Todd has no choice to help him, and holy day! The plan works! Todd likes basketball again...except he never really stopped liking basketball. The problem is Liz, not basketball. Not a single problem has been solved by this new plan, and Lord knows that making Toddles perspire is probably not gonna help the smell.
Wakefield time again. Jessica is getting ready for bed when she spots a little white mouse scurrying across her covers. She screams, and Liz hurries in and identifies the little rodent as Beethoven. Yay! He survived! Jess demands to know where the mouse the exterminator killed came from and Liz says, "I don't know, but you know what they say? If you have one mouse, you have mice." I find that to be scientifically inaccurate, unless we're talking like a Virgin Mary mouse here. Jessica screams, and the credits roll before Glinda can show up and tell her to click her heels. Aw, shucks.
She's frightened, Aunty Em!
Before I go, a parting treat for you all. (Depending on your definition of the word 'treat.') I counted so, so many instances of Todd/Winston touching, I had enough to make a montage. Enjoy.
