SVH TV Episode 3.03: Imperfectly Fit
Before we get into the gooey centre of this week's crazy-a-thon that is SVH TV, I have a birth announcement to share with you all. Hold the congratulations, I did not spawn a child of my own, although I do plan to raise this one vicariously through its actual parents:
I wish I'd kept the announcement from the actual paper, but the online version will have to do. And yes, you're reading correctly. Amy and Luke from Melbourne decided to name their daughter Lila Jessica. Lila Jessica. Lila's not common enough a name for that to be coincidence, right? Amy (or Luke), if you're reading this -- and since you named your firstborn after two Sweet Valley characters, you'd freaking better be -- I am jealous of your offspring. I've never wanted to steal a baby more than I want to steal yours. I won't, though, so don't feel the need to call the authorities or anything. In return for not stealing your baby, I ask that you please procreate again, and often. The world simply does not have enough Todd Bruces or Margo Noras.
As if that little bonus wasn't enough, today's recap comes with extra commentary. From my boyfriend. Who apparently hasn't realised that 'go away, I'm busy' means 'please stay and offer your unwanted opinions about Sweet Valley High.' I made him read some of my recaps to get him up to speed, but all that seemed to register in his tiny mind is BLONDE TWINS. Yes, my boyfriend is a perve, and if I have to deal with it, so do you. My plan was to tape our conversation while watching the episode so he could be a part of the recapping fun and then add the audio to the recap, but then I remembered that I don't know how to do that, so you'll have to make do with transcripts. Your first Boyfriend quote:
Boyfriend: Please, for the love of God, don't mention me anywhere by name.
Elizabeth and Cheryl are having lunch at the Moon Beach, as they always seem to be, because fuck school. What has it done for them lately? Cheryl changes her order from a hamburger to a salad because she's going on a diet. She needs to look good for this new workout video she's hosting, and at the mention of the word 'video', Jess and Lila appear out of nowhere.
Boyfriend: Famewhores, right? They're the famewhore characters? I'm so good at this.
Me: Good at what?
Boyfriend: Good at Sweet Valley. I'm good at Sweet Valley. Hey, the twins are sitting next to each other. What are the odds that they'll, like, hug or something?
Me: You need to leave.
A screencap just for Boyfriend.
Jessica and Lila (those famewhores) tell Cheryl that they'd be perfect for parts as those backup girls who show everyone how the routine's done. Cheryl's all, "Thanks but no thanks, this is, like, a proper video and you guys suck at exercise." Jess and Lila decide right then and there that they'll be backup girls in Cheryl's exercise video if it's the last thing they do.
Boyfriend: What the hell is that? That noise?
Me: It's the washing machine. Shut up and concentrate.
Boyfriend: Ah, my old foe. I think it's broken.
Me: It's not broken, it's just...creative.
Boyfriend: What does that even mean? The floor is shaking!
Me: Say something about Sweet Valley or don't say anything at all. The people at home don't want to hear your bullshit.
Boyfriend: Alright! [Thoughtful pause] Um...is it an actual valley?
[Silence. This is the part where I stare at him for an insanely long time, and he takes refuge from my evil eye in the kitchen. I scream at him to bring me chips. Upon hearing what I sound like when I'm in recapping mode, I actually picture myself as Yzma. Freaky.]
That night, Liz and Todd are hanging out in the Wakefields' living room when Liz gets a call from the Sweet Valley Tribune, telling her that she got some internship she applied for. Todd's not as thrilled as she'd like him to be. Because...this is news? You get all the internships, Liz. Even when newspapers don't have internships, you somehow get them. You hear me? Nonexistent internships go to you, and Todd's not allowed to finish reading his sports section before congratulating you for the umpteenth time? Selfish. Todd suggests that with her newfound power (intern power? Ha!) she can get the editors to put sports on the front page.
Boyfriend: Who is this? I like this guy.
Me: Identify with Todd, and we break up.
Boyfriend: Oh, it's Todd! The guy you hate! I like him. That could be my contribution, maybe -- say nice things about Todd while you bash him. Like a He Said, She Said thing.
Me: I was just sticking up for him, though, so you can't start now
Boyfriend: I can start whenever I want. Todd's a great dude. Write that down.
Todd suggests that they celebrate Liz's promotion "after the movie," which I think is code for sexy fun time. Liz says she can't -- she's so damn important that the paper needs her to start tonight. Cut to Liz, in front of a computer, typing up classifieds. Ha. Suck it, Liz. She meets Peter, another intern (not to be confused with the Peter who kidnapped her) and brags about all her other internships. He brags right back about his internships. These two are made for each other, all, intern-y and whatnot. The Sweet Valley producers realise this too, and add some romantic background music.
This is Liz's flirty face, in case you were interested.
Lila and Jessica arrive back at the Wakefield house after cleaning out the exercise tape section of their local video store. They're getting ready to wow Cheryl with their aerobics know-how...except all they're doing is getting tips on how to style their hair for the complete exercise experience. They're so lazy, they actually fight about who has to get up off the couch to change the tape. Boyfriend proceeds to go on a semi-rant about how we do that all the time. I start to regret doing this with him. There are some things you should keep separate from your relationship, and I think Sweet Valley might be one of them.
He hasn't even mentioned Lila's awesomeness!
At school, Liz is talking to Enid and Todd about her fabulous internship with fabulous Peter. Todd gets mad about how much time she spends talking about Peter, and Liz promises that their relationship is strictly professional. I and the Sweet Valley music supervisors beg to differ, Wakefield. Did you not hear the 'love is blossoming' score? Love is blossoming. It's official. Liz and Todd make a date for Friday that she will most definitely break, and Todd seems happy. Literally two seconds later, Liz comes back and tells him that she was meant to meet Peter at the newspaper. Todd settles and tells her he'll pick her up afterwards.
Boyfriend: Todd's so fucking boss.
Me: That's your idea of helpful commentary?
Boyfriend: Peter's a tool. That's helpful commentary.
Me: Uh-huh.
Boyfriend: Todd's the one that punches everyone, right? I hope he punches Peter.
Me: It's a pretty safe bet that before this episode is over, Peter will be Toddpunched.
Boyfriend (laughs): Toddpunched. I like that. I'm gonna use that.
Now for some Enid storyline. She for some reason has a Chia Pet in her locker, most likely because it's the nineties, and I resign myself to having the 'Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia' song in my head for the rest of the afternoon. In a fit of Peter-inspired rage, Todd punches his locker, which is in the same bank as Enid's, and poor old Enid's Chia Pet falls out and smashes on the ground. I kind-of absolutely love the idea that we can add 'Enid's Chia Pet' to the increasingly long list of things Todd has ruined/injured/broken beyond repair as a result of his overactive punching fist. He doesn't even say sorry. Reggie Patman, who I guess didn't get my memo about how he DID NOT HAPPEN, skateboards over to the broken Chia Pet and decides to fix it himself. Which is totally impossible. The thing's so broken, parts of it are actually powder. Enid swoons.
Boyfriend: The fuck kind of name is Enid? Is that a name?
Me: Not a particularly common one. It's like Enid Blyton.
Boyfriend: Her name was Enith.
[I laugh for a really, really, really long time]
Boyfriend: Shut up. It's Enith. Enith Blyton!
Me: It's not Enith Blyton! It's Enid!
Boyfriend: Bullshit. Are you bullshitting me?
Me: I bullshit you not!
[There's a really long bit here where I go off to find an Enid Blyton book for him. Also, some Sweet Valley. He needs all the help he can get in that area.]
Boyfriend (upon receiving Tales of Toyland): Well, fuck. Why has nobody ever corrected me?
Me: How often do you reference Enith Blyton?
Boyfriend: As often as I reference Noddy...which is actually pretty often. That dude was the shit.
At the Moon Beach, Jess and Lila are trying to impress Cheryl with their brand new workout clothes and hairstyles. She's still not convinced that they're athetic enough to be in her video, saying, "You get winded trying to turn the pages of Cosmo." Lila snaps back with, "That was the double holiday issue."
Boyfriend (shaking his head): Enid Blyton. Fucking Enid Blyton.
Me: Shut up about Enid Blyton.
It's music montage time! Oh, how I love these! In today's music montage, Lila and Jessica follow Cheryl around while she's exercising, pretending to do push-ups and sit-ups and whatever else constitutes a workout these days. It think it's pretty damn cute, but hey, I'm partial to a little music montage every now and then. Afterwards, Cheryl comes up to the girls and tells them that they can be in the video after all, since they've proven that they have the stamina to keep up. After she leaves, Lila reasons that since it's only a thirty-minute video, they'll only have to do thirty minutes' worth of exercise. I have this crazy feeling that this isn't going to turn out the way they want it to.
It never does.
Boyfriend: This show is so bad. Exceptionally bad. 'Head of the Class' bad.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW! HEAD OF THE CLASS IS LEGENDARY!
Boyfriend: Fine, alright. But this show is shit.
Me: Yeah, I know. I think it's supposed to be.
Boyfriend: How is it supposed to be? Aren't shows supposed to be good? Isn't that, like, some sort of unwritten guideline for writers, that their show's not supposed to suck?
Me: You're doing an awful lot of judging for a man who's never written a TV show in his life.
Boyfriend: Back at ya, sweetheart.
[Long silence. You can't tell, but the silence is full of loathing and glares. I'm pretty sure this one actually shortens his life expectancy. He takes it back faster than the 'Head of the Class thing.]
Back at the Tribune, Liz and Peter are doing some personal ad-inspired flirting. It's hideous. I don't want to watch Whore!Liz in action anymore. It was bad enough reading about her, but this is so much worse. I'm actually feeling bad for Todd. Todd Wilkins. Peter asks her out on a date, much to everyone's horror, especially Boyfriend's. He's really getting into this storyline.
Boyfriend: You know what Todd should do? Toddpunch everyone. Just, bam, walk in there and Toddpunch the lot of them. That's so a thing Todd would do.
Me: Your love for Todd is unnatural and worrying.
Boyfriend: Todd would Toddpunch that guy's face right off his head.
Me: I love you for that sentence alone.
Boyfriend: I love Todd.
As if on cue, Todd arrives. I should tell you that Boyfriend stops what he's doing and watches this scene so intently, he's on the edge of his seat. He, like so many of us before him, feels the threat of a Toddpunch in the air, and can do nothing but sit there, anticipating it with bated breath. It's a beautiful thing watching a person experience their first pre-Toddpunch. And you know what? Todd? He does not punch. There is no Toddpunch. He just tells Liz that it's time to go, she grabs her stuff and leaves with him. He overhears Peter asking his girlfriend to dinner, and no Toddpunches ensue. Not a one! It used to be that anyone who so much as cast a glance in Liz's direction ended up choking on his teeth, but apparently these days you can go ahead and mount her like some kind of rabid hyena, and Todd will just look on, with but a hint of sadness decorating his usually crazy coffee-coloured eyes.
That glint in his eyes? It's actual soul.
Boyfriend: I thought Todd was the puncher.
Me: I thought so, too. He usually is.
Boyfriend: Todd did not punch. He was like, "Whatever, fuck my girlfriend, I don't care." Todd sucks.
Me: After you professed your love for him and everything.
Boyfriend: Todd's not the man I thought he was.
The next day at work, a very un-Toddpunched Peter apologises to Liz for asking her out. Liz responds by putting a picture of her and Toddles on her desk to show the world that she's in a semi-happy relationship and she does not need anyone's dinner date invitations. She and Peter agree to keep their relationship professional, no more flirting and romantic music. Then she knocks a bunch of files off her desk, and when Peter helps her gather them up again, their hands touch. It's a sexually-charged hand-touch. I'm pretty sure that's the Liz Wakefield version of second base.
Lila and Jessica are at home, freaking out. Cheryl's given them a filming schedule for the workout video, and they're shocked to discover that it's going to take fourteen hours to shoot the damn thing. Naturally, Lila decides that this is a problem only she and her inherent Lilaness can fix -- she's arranged back-to-back aerobics classes with a celebrity fitness instructor named Igor Svenlender, who Boyfriend points out looks like Nathon Fillion. He does, a little. Lila's reasoning for this plan is that getting in shape is like cramming for a test -- if they do a shitload of aerobics classes right before the workout vid shoot, they'll be ready to rock by the time the cameras roll. Hint: they will not. The next scene is Lila and Jessica, lying on the floor after their workout. They can't even move. I refuse to give them any sympathy, because I literally just told them that would happen.
This is what happens when you don't listen to me.
Boyfriend (looking at the Sweet Valley books I brought out for him): You look like these twins on the book covers, a little bit.
Me: I absolutely do not. Put those down. Your commentary is beginning to lag.
Boyfriend: Is this why you like these people? Because you look like them? Especially this one. It looks like you in your license photo.
[He's pointing to Jessica on the Double Love cover, and I take offence to this.]
Me: My nose isn't pointy; it's lovely.
Boyfriend: Not the bird-nose so much, but everything else. [Picks up Rags to Riches, gasps] This is your doppelganger, this one right here!
Me: I will kill everything you love if you don't stop that right now.
Boyfriend: I'm trying to work out if you look more like Jessica or Elizabeth. I think Jessica--
Me: They're IDENTICAL TWINS!
Enid and Liz are playing pool, and Enid asks Liz why she hasn't been at the Tribune that much lately. Liz says she's taking some time off because of the Peter thing. Because...what? They gave her time off? From an internship? Because she finds it hard to work with the other intern? The hell kind of wimp newspaper is the Tribune anyway? Even Boyfriend thinks it's stupid, and he's apparently unaware of how identical twins are identical. Reggie interrupts Liz's story about Peter to give Enid back her Toddified, un-fixable Chia Pet, somehow fixed. Stupid Reggie, defying logic like it ain't no thang. It's sorcery, it must be. That's the only explanation. He even calls himself Dr. Reggie, despite the fact that we all questioned his medical know-how last time and came to the conclusion that Reginald Patman is not, nor was he ever, a real doctor of anything except maybe Doucheology. And now Chia Pet witchcraft.
I accuse Goody Shred!
After Reggie leaves, Enid waxes lyrical for a moment about how strange it is that somebody can just come into your life that you connect with instantly. Liz agrees with her, obviously thinking about Peter, but Enid thinks she's talking about Todd and says, "You're perfect for each other," despite the fact that they're clearly not and never were. Liz likes books, Todd likes sports! How did we ever think it'd work between these two?!
Boyfriend: Todd lets everyone down. Liz, me...
Me: Hang on. Todd's not the one with the wandering eye...this time.
Boyfriend: He'll let down Enid, too. Somehow, somewhere.
Me: It's amazing how quickly you turned on Toddles.
Boyfriend: Maybe if he'd do a little more punching and a little less not-punching, we could start to work things out
At the Moon Beach, Todd is talking to Liz about basketball plays. She doesn't even pretend to care, which seems a little rude, considering she always chews him out about not caring about her journalism stuff, and also since she just shamelessly flirted with her fellow intern to the point where he asked her out to dinner. Speak of the devil, Peter comes up to their booth and asks Liz if he can talk to her. Todd is not even close to Toddpunching anything. Maybe it's just NuTodd. Maybe no-one told him that his one and only character trait is to be an aggressive dickhole who punches things into oblivion, even when they don't deserve it and especially when they do. Peter tells Liz that their editor at the Tribune finally wants them to write an actual article, not just classifieds, and he can't do it alone. Liz is conflicted.
Or hungry. I can never tell with Liz.
Boyfriend (re Todd): He's just sitting there. Maybe this is like the calm before the storm, like he seems fine with it, but then he just goes crazy all over everyone's faces.
Me: That is completely possible.
Boyfriend: 'Cause Toddles can't be that lame.
Me: Only I may call him Toddles.
Boyfriend: Toddles is a nickname. We know each other well enough now for me to call him by his nickname.
Me: Okay, so your man-crush on Toddles? Officially creepy, Boyfriend.
Back in the A-plot, Lila and Jessica arrive at the taping of Cheryl's workout vid, still smarting from their back-to-back classes with Igor. Naturally, they both injure their backs in the first take. The Harry Dean Stanton lookalike playing the director flips his lid and has some muscle-clad security guy carry them off the set. That's the end of this storyline. They're getting worse and worse with each passing episode. I didn't think it was at all possible, but here we are. I weep for the future.
I wanted to make a "they just got carried away" pun here...so I did.
Meanwhile, Liz has decided to come back and finish her internship, which is big of her. How they didn't fire her ass is beyond me. Hers and Peter's feature article gets approved, and they share a sexually-charged hug. Liz apparently has learned no lesson at all this week. I think this is a to-be-continued sort of thing, but I can never be sure. Every episode this season, Todd and Liz have relationship problems, and every week nothing gets resolved. This could or could not be the end of Peter, which is a shame, 'cause bitch was just begging for a Toddpunch.
Boyfriend (seeing the end credits): Thank Christ. Can we go now?
Me: No, I have to finish writing the recap. Any final thoughts?
[Thoughtful pause]
Boyfriend: Elizabeth looks like she gives good hug .
Peter thinks so too.
Disclaimer: I do not, nor have I ever, looked like either Wakefield, not even in the amazing driver's license photo. I wish I could look like the goddesses of SoCal, but no. I think Boyfriend was trying to pay me a compliment, but hells, have you seen the Wakefields on some of those covers? I hope it's not his way of saying, "Honey, I love your squished-in face and detached body. Your elongated neck gets me so hot, I can't even tell you."
"Is that a mangled starfish hand, or are you just happy to see me?