SVH TV Episode 3.02: Shred Reckoning
Okay, so this episode? DID NOT HAPPEN. No, it didn't. It didn't. Look, I even tabled it for you:
See? That's, like, science. Are you gonna argue with science? Didn't think so.
The episode begins at the Wakefield house. Todd is yelling up the stairs for Elizabeth to hurry up, because they're late for their third first day of junior year. Jessica, who's in the kitchen applying lipgloss, tells him that Liz left an hour ago for some Oracle something-or-other. Todd reacts like Liz has committed the ultimate betrayal, and why, you ask? Because this means that Liz can't hold his hand on the way to school. Oh, you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. That is actually the actual reason. Apparently it's their first-day-of-school ritual -- he drives her to school, and she holds his "shooting hand" the whole way there because it brings him luck for basketball season. Knowing his relationship with Liz, methinks he's probably adept at doing a little something else with that hand by now.
Presumably while making that face.
Todd goes more and more Rain Man with every passing second, and Jess tells him that he can drive her to school if he thinks that'll help. Only she's not touching his hand, because ew. He asks her to hold his lucky sock for him, which, why? Is he aware that Liz and Jess are not the same person? And also, I don't like that he just happened to have a tube sock right there after I made that masturbation quip. I...ugh. I think we all need some quiet time after that one.
Jess certainly does.
Okay, quiet time over. Suddenly we're in the halls of Sweet Valley High, where Manny asks Winston if Bruce Patman really isn't coming back to school this year. I know. I know, you guys. Winston says, "His parents sent him away when he traded his father's rare wine collection for a date with Anna Nicole Smith." Ohh, so much wrong, so little time. Is it too soon to make a joke about how wine for a date is probably a deal Anna Nicole would've gone for? Enid's heard some other story about Bruce using Mrs. Patman's Picasso as a dartboard, but it's not as cool and it involves far less dead celebrities, so I say it's isn't true. Stupid Enid.
Let's just stop for a second and let this sink in, though. Bruce Patman is gone. They sent Bruce Patman away. Bruce Patman, an integral part of the Sweet Valley franchise -- gone. Kaput. History. Cactus. Put a fork in him, he's dunzo. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?! WHY, GOD, WHY?! OH, THE HUMANITY!! I'm sorry, but what?! Even if you don't like Bruce Patman half as much as I do, surely you can see that it's just plain wrong to shitcan such a recognisable, awesome-filled character. Just...no. Good thing this episode DID NOT HAPPEN, otherwise I may have reacted badly.
Rest in peace, you beautiful bastard.
Winston thinks that with Bruce gone (DID NOT HAPPEN) he'll be promoted to manager at the Moon Beach. Way to profit from someone else's misfortune, Egbert. And they say you're the sensitive one. Manny's like, "Hey, speaking of something that has nothing to do with anything, my girlfriend Simone and I have been dating for two weeks now." Enid overhears and runs off, all sad and whatnot. Aww, poor lame Enid, realising her creepy love for Manny too late. This storyline is so Ross and Rachel.
Too bad Rachel never had a cool hat like that.
In homeroom, Lila and Jessica are checking their boy chart, and discover that they've gone through all the dateable guys in school. If only a new kid would come to town and sweep them off their feet! That'd be real swell! Their teacher, Mr. Hanna (yeah, I don't know who that is either) announces to the class that in case they haven't heard, Bruce Patman has been shipped off to military school in Guam. Does that sort of thing actually happen outside of TV? We don't really have military school in my part of the world, but I did know a guy whose parents made him join the army after an "incident" with his dad's BMW. That's only the most stereotypically American high school movie thing that's ever happened in my life. Winston does a little "Bruce is gone" dance, because it seems he doesn't know what I know, and that's that this storyline DID NOT HAPPEN. He's gonna be pissed when he goes to college and sees who's waiting for him at the Sigma house.
Not even pre-sunrise homicide could stop him.
Mr. Hanna tells us all that Reginald Patman II, Bruce's cousin, will be joining them this year. Not to be confused with Roger, Bruce's cousinbrother, even though introducing him as a character would've made so much more sense continuity-wise. Some random guy screams out, "Not another Patman!" in an over-the-top cartoon voice. I could not agree with him more. We had a perfectly good Patman just sitting there! Why trade him for another? Lila and Jessica get mucho excited that a rich transfer student is coming to save them from their minute-long boy drought.
Oh, the boy chart? An actual thing.
At lunch, mopey boyfriendless Enid is sitting with Jessica for reasons I'll never understand. I suppose Jessica's got nothing to lose sitting next to her, on account of this episode NOT HAPPENING and everything. Lila rushes in with a fax from her source, listing everything they need to know about Reginald Patman. He's big on adventure sports, basically, is all it says. Lila plans to throw a party for him at "Fowler Manor," proving that NuLila doesn't know what her house is called, either.
But she has been practising her maniacal hand-wringing.
Liz rocks up, all excited about interviewing some congressman for the Oracle. I have to hand it to Liz -- she works for a shit-ass school paper, yet is always managing to score interviews with semi-important people. I don't know how she does it. (Magical blonde Wakefield magic, is my guess.) Todd runs up to her and asks her to knock his baseball cap off his head. Yep, that happened too. Seems she knocked his hat off his head before a game against Big Mesa when he scored the winning basket, and he wants her to repeat the magical blonde Wakefield magic. To make up for all the hand-holding she missed out on in the morning, I s'pose. Liz is like, "Toddles, you're a freak," but does it anyway.
Jess wants to knock the cap off as well, because hey, funsies! Todd protests that it's just a Liz thing. Oh, but when you needed some hand holding this morning, Toddles, the twins were interchangeable? I see how this is. Anyway, the now-lucky Toddles knocks Enid's lunch onto his lucky shoes. He can't clean them (I guess luck comes out in the wash?) so he's stuck with his sneakers smelling like whatever the hell gross thing was on Enid's plate for the rest of his basketball-playing career. Serves him right for being such a...well, a Todd. There is no insult strong enough for him anymore. He's just an absolute Todd.
The Toddest of them all.
At the Moon Beach, Lila and Jess fantasise about what Reginald Patman is going to be like. Lila's fantasy involves a tall, dark and handsome man, lots of jewels, and an elegant, candlelight dinner for two. The fantasy is ruined for me when Reginald, who so far has been all old-school charm and diamond mines, asks her, "Go steady with me?" Oh, hello, nineties. For a second, I forgot you were here.
I kind-of love everything about this.
Jessica's fantasy is a little different. In this one, Reginald is a fighter pilot who wants to take her around the world in his fighter jet, to "every Planet Hollywood opening," and will let her date other guys on the side. I love how Jessica can't even be faithful in her own fantasy.
Reginald so reminds me of Snoopy right here.
Back to reality now. Because they haven't quite fulfilled their meanness quota for the day, Jess and Lila tell Winston that since Reginald is a Patman, he owns the Moon Beach and will be able to fire Winston whenever he wants. Winston flips out and has a black-and-white fantasy of his own. (Of course he does.) In this one, Reginald is a dictator with a monocle and a German accent who makes him scrub the floor and whips him regardless of the amount of work he's put in. I really love that we get fantasies from Jess, Lila and Winston, and only Winston's involved a whip. Things that make you go 'hmm.'
The best incarnation of Reginald yet.
Winston decides that the only way he can make the Moon Beach look presentable for his employer's son's arrival is to hire a busboy. In walks a blonde, besunglassed surfer/skater dude who looks like he got lost on the way to his Fast Times at Ridgemont High audition and has only recently found his way back into society. Of course, we at home know who this is, don't we? I'm not going to spell it out for you, because A) it's so freakin' obvious, and B) that would mean I have to admit that this episode HAPPENED, when it clearly DID NOT. Winston apparently doesn't realise that he's a TV character in a TV show where random coincidences happen all the time, so he just assumes the guy wants the busboy job, and puts him to work immediately.
Above: a person who DID NOT HAPPEN.
It seems, though, that Blonde Skater Who's Totally Not Reginald Patman's idea of work is to find the nearest mopey brunette and chat her up. And the lucky girl is...Enid! She explains that she's feeling lonely, so the mystery man decides to sit next to her. Well, he is a Patman, after all. The word 'work' isn't in their vocabulary. He introduces himself to Enid as Reggie Patman, but tells her to "call me Shred." From what I remember about watching this series on TV the first time around (which, admittedly, is not much) I don't recall the name Shred taking off. I seem to remember him as Reggie, so that's what I'm gonna call him. Also, several other names, like 'douchecopter,' for instance. Because he is, and how.
Back in the B plot, (C plot? You know, it might be the C plot. I've lost track of the plots) Liz is conducting her interview with the congressman. He compliments her on her journalistic skillz, and says that some of the professionals could use a little of her magical blonde Wakefield magic. Naturally.
"I have an idea -- why don't you be congressman?"
Right as the congressman is about to spill his guts on some toxic waste dump near Big Mesa, Todd (presumably in his foul-smelling shoes) rushes up to Liz with a soda in his hand, and asks her to spray him in the face with it. The congressman has apparently never seen a Todd in the wild before, and rushes off before Liz can get anything good. Todd claims that Liz sprayed soda in his face right before the game against the Pali High guys (who has ever in their life called them that?) and desperately needs some luck right now. Liz tells him to fuck off with these crazy superstitions. Todd responds by asking her to come to the gym during practice so he can make free throws. Or something, I don't even know. I never realised that Toddles had such little self-confidence. Dammit, what a Todd. He can't even play basketball without Liz. The one thing he's good at!
That, and making secret servicement flee the premises.
Wakefield house again. Lila and Jessica are primping for the big party to welcome Reggie Patman to Sweet Valley. While they're wondering what sort of refined, educated, car-having gentleman Reggie is, he's busy impressing Enid at the Moon Beach with tales of skateboarding and whatnot. God, I hate him. I really, really hate him. Reggie Patman is what would happen if Jeff Spiccoli and Travis from Clueless hooked up during an ether binge, had a retarded baby, then dropped it on its head a few times for good measure. He is a douchebike of the first degree.
Someone forgot to put the Lila back in the fridge!
Winston comes out of the Moon Beach to see Reggie doing...well, I don't even know what he's doing, to be honest. He's just being his stupid lame-ass non-Bruce self. Winston likes this about as much as I do, and fires him on the spot. Reggie goes off somewhere on his skateboard, and Enid congratulates Winston on accidentally firing his boss. Winnie's like, "...shit."
Meanwhile, Todd's at basketball practice and Elizabeth isn't there yet. The coach makes him do free throws regardless of whether or not his girlfriend is there to watch him from the stands, which, how mean! It's like he doesn't even realise that Liz is his best player! Todd freaks out and tries to stall, but thankfully, Liz arrives just before he takes the first shot. Huzzuh! Sweet Valley basketball is saved once again! She leaves once Todd's gotten a glimpse of her, though, and he doesn't miss a single free throw. This is supposed to prove Todd's talented enough that he doesn't need any hoodoo voodoo juju stuff, but I'm pretty sure all it proves is that Todd is only good at basketball when he thinks Liz is watching and swooning over his athletic ability.
I thought I knew what a free throw was...until this happened.
Reggie arrives at the party in his honour, and hands his skateboard to a statue, saying, "Hold this for me, babe." Reggie, you are a douchetruck and a half. Go so far away from here. He makes his grand entrance, and Lila and Jessica? Not impressed in the slightest.
"You know, we never really appreciated Bruce like we should've."
I guess Reggie gets sick of his own party, because the next scene is him lying on a table outside the Moon Beach. Winston rushes up to him all flustered, trying to apologise for the way he treated him today. Reggie tells him that he's in need of a "major chillectomy," which sounds really painful for some reason. Winston's all, "Sorry I accidentally fired you and et cetera," and Reggie tells him to chill out...and also, that Mr. Patman has made him the new manager of the Moon Beach. Yay for Winston. Then the two of them get real close on the picnic table and look at the stars. I think Winston's whipping fantasy may come true yet...
Winston's trying to contain his...excitement.
Then Reggie ruins everything (everything!) by calling Lila a "psycho betty." Screw you, Reggie, you douchekayak. Take your skateboard and hideously outdated nineties slang that never really took off anyway, and get the fuckity-fuck out of here. Winston and Reggie have a conversation about stars and life and existence, which is actually rather deep if you consider the fact that these two people aren't really here and this DID NOT HAPPEN.
Oh, and then Toddles drives by in his car. In reverse. I think it's some leftover C plot (which may have been the B plot after all; that Enid storyline didn't really go anywhere) and he's stocking up on luck in case Liz and her magical blonde Wakefield magic ever get shipped off to military school in Guam and leave him talentless and alone.
Guam's looking pretty good right about now, eh, Liz?