The one where Steven becomes a vegetarian or, Sweet Valley Twins #75 Jessica and the Earthquake
This non-event of a book was snarked back here in ’08, but I thought I’d give you the Egbert take on proceedings.
Now, let’s just get this straight - it's not the earthquake that ended the Sweet Valley High we knew and loved [you know, where Olivia Davidson gets squished by a fridge and Jessica lets a girl fall off a cliff-face], and it's not the earthquake in SVU where Lila’s house shakes and she thinks her Aunt is getting revenge on her. No, apparently seismic activity happens with incredible frequency in Sweet Valley, as in AT LEAST ONCE EVERY FREAKING SERIES. I know California is on a fault-line, but seriously?
I think Jessica looks really pretty on the cover. Also, the amount of purple in her bedroom is impressive - I wonder if Janet Howell goes to sleep surrounded by that much of the colour of royalty?
Our story begins with a tremor at exactly 3:42am. [Was Kristy Thomas behind this or what?]
No-one felt it except Jessica, who happened to wake up, hear a rumble, and go back to sleep. Yawn. No rattlesnake? No Todd and Lila getting locked in the bathroom? No Enid Rollins almost drowning?
“I cant believe it!” Elizabeth cried. “An earthquake hit town for he first time in over 20 years and I slept right through it!” [If it’s any consolation, Liz, you’ll get your money’s worth in 4 years or so]
“Me too,” Steven grumbled. “Finally we get an earthquake, and we don’t get a day off school or anything.”
“Are you saying you wanted the quake to be bigger?” Asked Mr Wakefield.
“Sure. It would have been cool,” Steven said. [LOL @ Steven - he was so much cooler in these books.]
“Not if lots of people had been hurt, and our house had been damaged.” Mrs Wakefield said. “Earthquakes can be very, very dangerous.” [No shit, Alice? Is it possible that you can predict the future?]
The earthquake is the talk of SVMS, only that nobody witnessed it. [Todd was busy dreaming about being in the NBA.]
Everyone at school, including Bruce Patman, is fascinated by Jessica merely because she happened to wake up, because its NOT LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE HAS EVER HAPPENED IN SWEET VALLEY BEFORE, or anything.
The more people follow her around, the bigger her head gets, and the more ridiculous her story gets. Apparently her glass unicorn smashed, and her mirror broke [Oh noes!], and her wall now has a gigantic crack in it.
Just remember the boy who cried wolf, Wakefield….
Jessica decides she can predict earthquakes. This is going to be very handy in about 4.5 years, Jessica. Maybe you could give everyone the heads up before you invite them to Casa de Wakefield and let them get hammered by your Spanish tiles?
Oh and Liz and Amy are pulling all-nighters so they can do an extra credit assignment - stay awake for the aftershock and report it for the Sixers. Could someone deregister Mr Bowman? Please?
In the B-plot [C-plot? D-plot?] Steven sees some film clip by the Katybugs about animal cruelty and decides to turn vegetarian. Of course, Nalice are all for it and decide to make the whole family eat tofu stir-fries for a few days, which is very confusing because I’m almost certain that Ned is allergic to Chinese food.
Back at SVMS, Jessica has the school convinced that she can foretell natural disasters. Lloyd “Bunsen Burner” Benson follows her around so he can, you know, pick her brains about any upcoming seismic activity. And he is supposedly he school genius. Good god. Meanwhile, Lila and Janet are sick of psychic Jessica getting all the attention, so they decide to trick her into “predicting” the next earthquake. Because Jessica is an idiot, she prophesises it for Thursday night.
Lila throws a party in honour of it. [On a school night? George is THE coolest father around.] They have rock candy and milkshakes. Did I mention that I LOVE LILA? I hope they play “You shook me all night long” and “I feel the earth move”…Maybe Johnny Buck will do a cover for them. Bruce is selling t-shirts for the occasion that read: “I Survived The Big One.” He has a good business head on his shoulders, that Patman kid. Did I mention that I LOVE BRUCE?
Jessica is suddenly aware of the landslide her little fib has become [pun intended], and she starts praying for an earthquake. Be careful what you wish for Jessica, because it might just come along and, you know, ruin your 17th birthday and kill all your friends and ruin your mother’s whitegoods.
Of course, 8:30 on Thursday passes and there is no apocalyptic quake. Damn it! I wanted Amy Sutton to get pulled out of an electrical fire and chased into the pool by a rattlesnake! But then - just as the sixth graders are leaving Lila’s place, and Todd is looking at Elizabeth with those sort-of-boyfriend eyes, and Steven is reaching into a jar of meatballs to break his veggo diet… There’s an earthquake! Lila falls headfirst into the earthcake. Hehe.
But where, oh where has Jessica gone? Turns out she’s asleep in Lila’s basement [Lila has a basement? Who knew?].
And if there wasn’t enough irony already, I will leave you with this final scene, about a Wakefield, a fridge and an earthquake. It happens when the tectonic plates are colliding and the jar of meatballs has been knocked out of Steven’s hands and all over the floor, and I quote: -
“Steven grabbed a roll of paper towels and got on his hands and knees. [Don’t do it Steven!] But all the paper towels did was smear the sauce around. For a second Steven was afraid it was actually staining the Spanish tiles redder. [Not the Spanish tiles!] He went to the utility closet and got out the mop and bucket. He hurriedly filled the bucket with hot water and cleaning solution, sloshing it all over the floor.
“Couldn’t that stupid earthquake have waited until I was done eating?” he shouted at the refrigerator.
You tell that refrigerator, Steven. ‘Cause in a few years, its gonna let you know who’s boss…
xoxowinston
Now, let’s just get this straight - it's not the earthquake that ended the Sweet Valley High we knew and loved [you know, where Olivia Davidson gets squished by a fridge and Jessica lets a girl fall off a cliff-face], and it's not the earthquake in SVU where Lila’s house shakes and she thinks her Aunt is getting revenge on her. No, apparently seismic activity happens with incredible frequency in Sweet Valley, as in AT LEAST ONCE EVERY FREAKING SERIES. I know California is on a fault-line, but seriously?
I think Jessica looks really pretty on the cover. Also, the amount of purple in her bedroom is impressive - I wonder if Janet Howell goes to sleep surrounded by that much of the colour of royalty?
Our story begins with a tremor at exactly 3:42am. [Was Kristy Thomas behind this or what?]
No-one felt it except Jessica, who happened to wake up, hear a rumble, and go back to sleep. Yawn. No rattlesnake? No Todd and Lila getting locked in the bathroom? No Enid Rollins almost drowning?
“I cant believe it!” Elizabeth cried. “An earthquake hit town for he first time in over 20 years and I slept right through it!” [If it’s any consolation, Liz, you’ll get your money’s worth in 4 years or so]
“Me too,” Steven grumbled. “Finally we get an earthquake, and we don’t get a day off school or anything.”
“Are you saying you wanted the quake to be bigger?” Asked Mr Wakefield.
“Sure. It would have been cool,” Steven said. [LOL @ Steven - he was so much cooler in these books.]
“Not if lots of people had been hurt, and our house had been damaged.” Mrs Wakefield said. “Earthquakes can be very, very dangerous.” [No shit, Alice? Is it possible that you can predict the future?]
The earthquake is the talk of SVMS, only that nobody witnessed it. [Todd was busy dreaming about being in the NBA.]
Everyone at school, including Bruce Patman, is fascinated by Jessica merely because she happened to wake up, because its NOT LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE HAS EVER HAPPENED IN SWEET VALLEY BEFORE, or anything.
The more people follow her around, the bigger her head gets, and the more ridiculous her story gets. Apparently her glass unicorn smashed, and her mirror broke [Oh noes!], and her wall now has a gigantic crack in it.
Just remember the boy who cried wolf, Wakefield….
Jessica decides she can predict earthquakes. This is going to be very handy in about 4.5 years, Jessica. Maybe you could give everyone the heads up before you invite them to Casa de Wakefield and let them get hammered by your Spanish tiles?
Oh and Liz and Amy are pulling all-nighters so they can do an extra credit assignment - stay awake for the aftershock and report it for the Sixers. Could someone deregister Mr Bowman? Please?
In the B-plot [C-plot? D-plot?] Steven sees some film clip by the Katybugs about animal cruelty and decides to turn vegetarian. Of course, Nalice are all for it and decide to make the whole family eat tofu stir-fries for a few days, which is very confusing because I’m almost certain that Ned is allergic to Chinese food.
Back at SVMS, Jessica has the school convinced that she can foretell natural disasters. Lloyd “Bunsen Burner” Benson follows her around so he can, you know, pick her brains about any upcoming seismic activity. And he is supposedly he school genius. Good god. Meanwhile, Lila and Janet are sick of psychic Jessica getting all the attention, so they decide to trick her into “predicting” the next earthquake. Because Jessica is an idiot, she prophesises it for Thursday night.
Lila throws a party in honour of it. [On a school night? George is THE coolest father around.] They have rock candy and milkshakes. Did I mention that I LOVE LILA? I hope they play “You shook me all night long” and “I feel the earth move”…Maybe Johnny Buck will do a cover for them. Bruce is selling t-shirts for the occasion that read: “I Survived The Big One.” He has a good business head on his shoulders, that Patman kid. Did I mention that I LOVE BRUCE?
Jessica is suddenly aware of the landslide her little fib has become [pun intended], and she starts praying for an earthquake. Be careful what you wish for Jessica, because it might just come along and, you know, ruin your 17th birthday and kill all your friends and ruin your mother’s whitegoods.
Of course, 8:30 on Thursday passes and there is no apocalyptic quake. Damn it! I wanted Amy Sutton to get pulled out of an electrical fire and chased into the pool by a rattlesnake! But then - just as the sixth graders are leaving Lila’s place, and Todd is looking at Elizabeth with those sort-of-boyfriend eyes, and Steven is reaching into a jar of meatballs to break his veggo diet… There’s an earthquake! Lila falls headfirst into the earthcake. Hehe.
But where, oh where has Jessica gone? Turns out she’s asleep in Lila’s basement [Lila has a basement? Who knew?].
And if there wasn’t enough irony already, I will leave you with this final scene, about a Wakefield, a fridge and an earthquake. It happens when the tectonic plates are colliding and the jar of meatballs has been knocked out of Steven’s hands and all over the floor, and I quote: -
“Steven grabbed a roll of paper towels and got on his hands and knees. [Don’t do it Steven!] But all the paper towels did was smear the sauce around. For a second Steven was afraid it was actually staining the Spanish tiles redder. [Not the Spanish tiles!] He went to the utility closet and got out the mop and bucket. He hurriedly filled the bucket with hot water and cleaning solution, sloshing it all over the floor.
“Couldn’t that stupid earthquake have waited until I was done eating?” he shouted at the refrigerator.
You tell that refrigerator, Steven. ‘Cause in a few years, its gonna let you know who’s boss…
xoxowinston