SVH Episode 3.04: The Man Of My Screams
Yes, I'm thinking what you're all thinking -- the episode titles are getting worse. There's more of this lameness to come in the next two seasons, so get comfy. Despite the title, this episode is surprisingly not bad, especially considering the crap that's been going on the past few weeks.
Another thing you need to note: I think the show is starting to become more serial, because a lot of the Elizabeth/Todd stuff that happened last week (including the unfortunate incident where Todd couldn't get his punch up) is brought up again in today's episode. Basically, Todd shows us all that he can actually be semi-human, and Liz removes all doubt that she can't be.
I know it's going to be a good episode, because the opening shot is Todd sitting at the Wakefields' kitchen counter, laboriously trying to peel an orange. Really going at it, too. I can't decide if it's just pent-up aggression from not being able to perform punch-wise last episode, or if maybe the orange just refuses to peel. I do so like the thought of Toddles being outsmarted by an orange. Elizabeth comes downstairs and apologises for keeping him and the orange waiting. To make amends, she tells us a story about how Jessica's 10,000 watt hair dryer (that she had custom-made) caused a street-wide blackout the other day. Liz adds, "We also use it to blow the leaves out of the gutter on the weekends," and I will forever have a mental image of Ned Wakefield sitting on the roof cleaning the gutters with a purdy pink hair dryer. The neighbours must absolutely have a field day with that guy.
That's pure concentration in his eyes.
Todd asks Liz where she was all last night, and she tells him that "we" were working until midnight at the Tribune. Todd's all sarcastic and, "So you and Peter are a 'we' now?" Liz tells him to stop worrying about that whole Peter thing, and Todd drops it. Just like that. He starts telling Liz about how he might be chosen as the basketball team's captain this year, and right in the middle of his story, Liz turns around and says, "Okay, Peter, let's go." Egads. Liz is losing it. Todd, however, does not lose it. He very calmly tells her that she called him by the wrong name, and you know what Liz does? DO YOU KNOW WHAT LIZ DOES?! I'll tell you what she frickin' does -- she yells at Todd for lying, then accuses him of being the one obsessing over Peter. So if Liz is acting like such a bitch that I want to throw sharp, pointy objects at her, surely Todd is just about ready to blow a gasket? Nope. Nada. He says, "I guess I was just imagining it," with a pained expression on his face. Because he knows. He knows he wasn't imagining shit. And yet...things remain un-Toddpunched. Just when I'm convinced that I don't know this man they call Toddles, he puts his peeled orange behind his back and squeezes the bejesus out of it. That'll teach it to be such a citrusy little smartass.
Pictured: the orangicide, as it happened.
Reggie Patman, that hideous abomination, is rollerblading through the halls of Sweet Valley High while singing the Power Rangers theme song. I know this is just shameless cross-promotion, (the producer of SVH also produces the Power Rangers show) but it still angers me that Reggie is allowed to sing such an awesome theme song. Anyway, he runs (blades?) right into Jessica, and she pushes him onto the floor in disgust. Lila suggests that Jess may actually have an itty-bitty crush on everyone's least favourite Patman, which Jess vehemently denies. It shouldn't surprise anyone that the first person to Reggie's aid is Winston. He even puts a hand on Reggie's knee when asking him if he's okay. I guess he's run out of excuses to touch Todd. Reggie calls Jessica a "harsh Wilma." Ugh, Shred, don't. I know what you're trying to do, and just don't. You can't, so don't.
Reggie actually looks a little scared.
After school, Winston's working at the Moon Beach when Todd shuffles in alone, complaining about the Peter situation. Manny arrives just in time for Todd to tell his tale of woe re Peter/Liz and all their sexy, sexy interning. Somewhat uncomfortably, Manny refers to Todd as "Todd the god." Good lord, Manny's getting into the slash as well. Todd the god, you guys. I get the feeling that if Todd wasn't suffering from punch dysfunction right now, Manny'd be sprawled on the floor holding what's left of his face in his hands. Winston tries to comfort poor Toddles by telling him about how his mother often refers to him by his brother's name now that big bro's gone off to Princeton. Yeah, you heard me. Winston has a brother. Named Hallston. They're just rewriting Sweet Valley history all willy-nilly now. Winston and Manny decide to go deep undercover (I don't know why that sounds so dirty) to get the scoop on Liz and Peter, and Todd's like, "Whatevs." Oh, and I should also note that Winston touches Todd's arm a total of thrice. Not once, not twice, but thrice. One of them is more of an arm-stroke than an arm-touch.
Because why not? Liz doesn't appreciate them.
Out of nowhere, we cut to a scene with Reggie in the Wakefield kitchen, eating cookies that Jess has made for him. She's dressed to the nines in her best 1950s Donna Reed housewife attire and everything. Reggie suggests that they "mash a little" before he hits the waves, and then they make out. Of course, this is all just a horrible, horrible nightmare playing out in Jessica's head. She wakes up screaming, and does the only thing a girl can do at time like this -- she calls Lila.
Lila hurries over to Jessica's house still dressed in her nightgown and curlers, carrying a book about the meaning of dreams. I love her so. Straight-up the best friend ever, right there. She consults the book and tells Jess that the dream doesn't necessarily mean that she's in love with Reggie...unless she has the same dream more than once. The next night, Jessica has another Reggie-inspired saucy dream, and wakes up terrified.
I want a Lila so bad.
At school, Manny and Enid meet in the hallway. Manny asks her to meet up with him on Friday. She says yes, after a bit of lovestruck rambling. Ick. I thought we were done with Manenid. Hadn't we moved on to Regenid? I just can't keep up with all of Enid's lovahs...and that's pretty much the saddest sentence I've ever written.
Todd enters the pool hall part of the Moon Beach after school, only to be accosted by Manny and Winston, dressed in trench coats and sunnies. Todd's all, "God, I knew you guys were gonna fuck this up for me." The private dicks show Todd all their photos from trailing Liz, assuring him that her relationship with Peter is purely innocent. They must be a few apple trees short of an orchard, because each photo is more friendly than the last. In one, she's talking and laughing with Peter over coffee, and Todd actually says, "She might as well be saying, 'let me be your love slave'." Can't imagine Liz saying that myself, but okay. Winston and Manny protest some more. I'm not sure what's in it for them to lie like that, but at this stage, they could show Todd a picture of Liz and Peter getting horizontal in the back of the Jeep and they'd still tell the boy that everything's kosher. Todd storms out of the place, just about bursting to show Peter that he's still the lord mayor of Punchytown.
The world hasn't invented a caption for this picture yet.
Todd arrives at the Tribune, and Peter literally jumps away from Liz. Hehe, Peter can smell the impending Toddpunch. Todd tells Liz they need to talk, and then accuses her of carrying on an affair with Peter. He stupidly shows her the photos Winston and Manny took, and she gets upset that he's been spying on her. Now it's her turn to storm out, adding, "I don't know how we've stayed together so long." Well, the answer's real simple, Liz. You haven't. You broke up. Several times. In several SV incarnations. Todd looks dejected, probably because Peter pissed off somewhere before our hero could punch his face into a jelly.
If they were any closer, they'd be sharing a head.
At school, Jessica is complaining about how Reggie's been invading her dreams every night this week like a Californian Freddie Krueger on a furious crystal meth trip. She runs into him in the hallway and calls him some names. It's insanity up in here. Reggie goes into the bathroom and sees Winston, doing this for some reason:
I think he's...presenting, if you know what I mean.
Winston convinces Reggie that not only does Jessica like him, she's getting ready to settle down and squeeze out some bambinos. Methinks Winston is doing an insane combination of illicit drugs this episode, because nothing he does is making any sense. (Except for the homoerotic touching. That, scarily enough, makes perfect sense.) Reggie becomes even more frightened of Jessica than he was before.
Todd comes up to Liz at her locker, and...wait for it...apologises. He apologises for his friends spying on her. It's not like he even asked them to do it or anything. He tells her that he wants to start doing things she's interesting in, "like...reading and...stuff." Peas in a pod, these two. Liz mentions that she's going to a lecture at the community centre tonight about ethics in investigative reporting, which as a journalism student, I know is pretty much the most boring thing about journalism. Todd's all, "I love ethics," (he actually says that) and agrees to waste the evening with her. Despite the violence against oranges, I really do not know this Todd. He's considerate. He wants to care about all of Liz's boring shit. He hasn't punched anything in a really long time. Life must be tough for him since Liz had him neutered.
At the Moon Beach, Jessica is still freaking out about Dream!Reggie. Lila tells her that if she wants the dreams to go away, "you have to kiss the skank boy. For real." As if that's not a gross enough thought, Reggie happens by a nearby table full of girls, eats the food off their plates, and squirts tomato sauce into his mouth right from the bottle. Goddamn. Reggie doesn't know how to live in polite society properly. Jessica vows that instead of kissing that hunka hunka burning freak, she'll just do as the kids on Elm Street did and stay awake until her Reggie nightmares go away.
This one's just for my Lila screencap quota.
Liz and Enid are in Liz's room, and Enid's singing the word 'Friday' over and over to the tune of the conga song, or as I like to call it, the 'You Don't Make Friends With Salad' song. Enid brags about her date with Manny, obviously unaware that Manny is not a thing to be bragged about. It's a secret shame, like picking scabs, or having Peter Andre songs on your iPod. ('Gimme Little Sign' notwithstanding -- that song was the shizneezy.) Liz asks Enid if she's sure it's a date. After all, doesn't Manny have a girlfriend now? And isn't Enid all gaga over Reggie "I'm Too Sexy For My Table Manners" Patman? Enid reasons that Manny is her soulmate, the Liz to her Todd. At the mention of Todd, the sad music starts up and Liz looks into the mirror, all confused and whatnot. I just so desperately want to push her right into that mirror about now. I don't know where all this rage came from today. Liz at her worst really brings out the Todd in me, I guess.
Despite her hesitation, Liz and Todd go to the boring-ass lecture on journalism ethics. Todd's all fidgety and asks Liz if the lecturer's going to stop talking anytime soon. She sarcastically answers that he's about to break out the magic tricks any second now, and Toddles thinks she's serious. Oh, Toddles. Journalists and sorcerers? Two very different creatures. (Although in high school, we had a priest who did magic. True story.) Some time passes, and Todd is falling asleep all over the guy next to him. I really love that the guy doesn't push him off his shoulder or anything. He just sort-of looks at Liz in a "does this belong to you?" kind of way.
"Cause I could keep him for a bit, if you want."
Cut to another date where Todd is pretending to be interested in the crap Liz likes. She's taken him to a piano recital, and he interrupts the show by loudly unwrapping a chocolate bar. The pianist actually stops what he's doing, wanders into the crowd, and takes Toddles' chocolate away from him. Call me stupid (at your own peril), but I was always under the impression that pianists weren't allowed to become distracted by their surroundings, kinda like well-dressed Buckingham palace guards who play jaunty tunes. Everyone in the audience is like, "Ooh!" as though this is primary school and Todd just got called to the principal's office. Liz is humiliated, and annoyed that he interrupted what was obviously a really fun evening for her.
This may be my favourite screencap to date.
Todd and Liz date number three involves them watching what is very clearly a French film, and Todd mentioning that the actors are really hard to understand. She has to tell him that it's because they're not speaking English. I'm actually glad that while Todd was getting his personality transplant, they left all the incurable stupidity in. Liz is not happy with her man, which is pretty rich, since I don't see a montage of her going to see all the things Todd likes, like a basketball game or...uh, another basketball game. And maybe a fight club, if they have time on the way home.
Meanwhile, Jessica is at home, trying desperately to stay awake so she won't be forced to dream-kiss Reggie Patman anymore. Liz comes in and tells her that she can't sleep either. Visions of Toddles desecrating the sacred piano recital, I presume. She's afraid that they no longer connect, which is silly, because they never really connected. They were star-crossed lovers -- she of the books and martyrdom, he of the sports and needless destruction of the innocent. Liz goes on for a while about how she and Peter share similar interests and laugh together, and that she doesn't even remember the last time she laughed with Todd. Noticed she said laughed with, not laughed at. Pretty sure the latter would be a longer list. She asks Jess for her opinion, and Jess cracks it and yells at her sister for making her want to go to sleep with her boring problems. Note: I love Jess in this scene. All she's doing is sitting in front of a fan and dunking her head in a bowl of water, but she's great. I want to get me some Jess to go with my Lila.
Minus the Liz.
Suddenly it's Friday, and Enid meets Manny out the front of the Moon Beach for their soulmate date. As it turns out, Manny needs Enid's help picking out something to give to his girlfriend for their one-month anniversary. Enid is tres sad, or at least I think she is. I'm incredibly distracted by Manny's V-neck jumper in this scene. It's just...the V. It's such a V. I'm mesmerised by it. Can't. Stop. Staring. At. The V.
It even outshines the crocobackpack.
Inside the Moon Beach, Lila is talking about shopping when Jessica nearly falls asleep at the table. Lila gets fed up and tells Jess that it's time -- "time to kiss the worm child." I love her so, so, so much. I've been waiting for the episode where NuLila truly endears herself to me, and this is it. Jessica goes to the pool room, and Winston tells Reggie to brace himself -- the Jessica train is a-comin', and it's stopping at Grand Reginald Station. She chases him around the room while he tries to get out of kissing her by whispering sweet nothings such as, "I'm only gonna dump you for a Baywatch babe." Eventually Jess corners him, kisses him, then tells him to stay far away from her. Reggie's so confused and horrified, only some Winston love can cure what's ailing him.
Told ya. Would I lie about Winston love?
Liz decides that the single best thing she can do for her relationship troubles is to go to the Tribune, sit uncomfortably close to Peter (like, in between his legs), and tell him about how she and Todd are drifting apart. Jesus, Liz. You are just the living, breathing definition of awful today. Peter, as expected, tells her that she should break up with Todd. Liz is like, "Meh." Then she holds Peter's hand and tells him he's a good friend. Then they suck face, because they're both horrible people with no respect for Toddles or what he's capable of when he's at his punchy best.
Somewhere, Todd just got the urge to murder someone's face in.
Because the scriptwriters are lame, they don't finish the episode there. I thought that'd be a pretty good cliffhanger, but I apparently know nothing about writing for TV. No, we have to cut back to Jess's storyline, where Winston has replaced Reggie in her nightmare. The end. That was so necessary.
In next week's episode: Todd Hulks out and ends Peter's life with only his bare hands and maybe a sporting bat of some description. (Disclaimer: this may or may not be wishful thinking.)