SVH TV Episode 1.22: Say Goodbye
Phew, you guys, we made it. The very last episode of Season One. It's really over for me this time, so come join me on our final adventure together. There's lots of Todd/Liz, and even some Todd/Winston along the way, if that's what you're into.
Todd gets called into the coach's office to receive some good news -- Fairmont Academy, some big fancy basketball-playing school, has accepted him! He's going to Vermont! Proof that the good Lord answers prayers, they're shipping Todd the fuck outta here. You have to love that.
At the Moon Beach, Todd is telling Winston the good news. Winston is mopey, because it's three thousand miles away, and how is Todd going to give him any homoerotic shoulder-pats from frickin' Vermont? Think about it, Wilkins. Todd is afraid to tell Liz, and when she comes in, Winston gives her a great big hug. Comedy? Yeah, I think that's supposed to be comedy.
Todd and Liz go for a walk along the beach, and Todd breaks the news that he's transferring schools. Liz is like, "Awesome, so you're going to Bridgewater then," which I think is actually a cleverly-placed dig at Francine's limited World Outside Sweet Valley. Todd tells her he's going to Vermont, because the school he's been accepted to churns out more NBA hopefuls than anywhere. Even Tree Hill High? Pfft, I so don't believe that. Why would Chad Michael Murray lie to me? Liz is like, "But what about us?" because Todd seems to be forgetting a little thing I like to call IT'S ALL ABOUT ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD, BITCH! Todd stupidly says that nothing will change between them -- after all, they have the holidays, vacations and three-day weekends.
A sunset stroll on the beach is never cliched.
Cut straight to a scene in SVH, where Lila is laughing at the "three-day weekends" bit. Oh, Lila. Nicholas Morrow comes along and expresses his condolences about Todd's leaving. Oh crap, I knew there was a reason I hated these older episodes. (And not because Bruce isn't in them as much.) Nicholas Morrow. Blecch. I hate that man more than Manny and Patty put together. Leave this place immediately, Morrow.
God, I hope that's just his hand in his pocket.
Todd, Winston and Koichi arrive at the Moon Beach in Todd's Beemer. They talk about how nothing could tear Todd and Liz apart, because clearly they never read the books. Inside, Liz is having lunch with Nicholas Morrow for reasons I can't even pretend to understand, and Todd gets super jealous because that's what Todd does. It needs to be said that Todd and Nicholas are dressed eerily similar in this scene, which should be more embarrassing for Todd than anyone else. They exchange pleasantries (sort-of) and then Nicholas walks off to go be a douche somewhere else.
It's Brenda and Kelly at the Spring Dance all over again.
Meanwhile, Jess and Lila are sitting at the counter, and Jess says, "Isn't it funny how Liz's relationship is ending, and mine's just beginning?" Lila responds with, "Maybe someone should tell Nicholas." Hahaha! Lila, you win Sweet Valley.
Liz is mad that Todd's an hour late, and gets even madder when he's talking about all the things he has to do before leaving for Vermont. Because he's not spending time with her, and IT'S ALL ABOUT ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD, BITCH! Todd promises that tomorrow night, he's pencilling in some Liz time...right before Winston announces that they're throwing him a going-away party tomorrow night! Oh noesies! I think my favourite part of this entire scene is that when Todd first sits down, he gives the waitress a Look. You know what I mean. He Looked at her in a Looky way. Practising for the Vermont laydeez, methinks.
"I do so love my waitresses with a side of sexy!"
Liz and Enid are hanging out in Liz's room. She says she's convinced her parents to let her visit Todd during Thanksgiving. I'm sure it wasn't hard to twist their arms, since I'm pretty sure they're imaginary. She vows to tell him tonight when she gives him his going-away present...a picture of her in a frame. Dang, that's kinda creepy. You'd think maybe she could've found a picture of the both of them or something, but no. It's just her. It's a bit sad, really. Enid says, "Now he'll never forget you," and Liz gets upset and thinks that she's not ready to say goodbye to Todd.
"You will never be rid of me, Toddles!"
Party at the Moon Beach! You would think that a public diner would have rules about this sort of shit, but I guess not. I'm excited because Bruce has shown up! Yay! Making no excuse for his recent absence, Bruce assures Liz that Todd will be too busy with basketball to notice any of the Fairmount chicks, "although I do hear they're exceptional...students. Exceptional students." So worth bringing Bruce back just for that. Liz finally finds Todd in the crowd...and then Patty (who has seriously shown up in orange silk pyjamas) pulls him away, saying she needs to talk to him. What the fuck, Patty? Who told you it was okay to act like that?
Patty just escaped from the Sleepover Prison.
After Todd goes off, Liz catches up with Koichi and Nicholas Morrow. Again. At the counter, Patty helpfully tells Todd that "she'll find things to keep her busy," looking pointedly at the Liz-Nicholas banter going on. Seriously, Patty, fuck you. That's only okay when Bruce Patman does it. When you look as good as he does in a red turtleneck, we can re-evaluate. Todd gets jealous again. When they finally meet up, Winston drags Todd away, saying he's got something for him. Dirrty! Turns out it's only a basketball-shaped present. Manny's holding one too, and is like, "So what did you get him?" I love how nobody knows anything about Todd except that he likes basketball and punching. That actually makes me laugh out loud for a change.
How much does it look like these two are about to kiss?
Winston makes a speech about how Todd's been his best friend since he punched out some kid trying to steal Winston's Mork and Mindy lunchbox. Todd's like, "What, last week?" Everyone has a good chuckle, and I can see that Enid has a basketball present as well. Then Winston says, "Everyone's really going to miss you...especially me." Hells yes, because you guys are secretly gay. I can't even believe the Winston-Todd slashiness ever got this far. Then they almost hug, but Todd notices that Liz is missing, and goes out looking for her. Because IT'S ALL ABOUT ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD, BITCH. You should know that by now.
Liz and Todd have it out in the parking lot. She gets mad at him for not spending time with her. He gets mad at her for not understanding that he's kinda moving to fucking Vermont and he's got shit to do and family to say goodbye to and stuff. Hey yeah, Todd's sisterbrother must be heartbroken. They yell at each other some more, and then Todd mentions that Nicholas Morrow is a shameless, flirty little uggo bitch, and Liz yells at him to go back into the party with his real friends. Wow. I don't even know whose side to be on. On the one hand, Liz is a heartbroken teenage girl. On the other, she's Liz. Rooting for Elizabeth Wakefield is like rooting for Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It's just not done unless you're emotionally crippled.
The subtext in this scene is distance.
Two weeks later, Jessica is convincing Liz to start dating again. So...I guess they broke up, then. They pass Nicholas Morrow in the hall, and Jessica says that Liz is too shy to ask a guy out, and maybe he knows someone she can go out with. Nicholas is like, "I'll keep that in mind," and gives them a creepy look. Ugh. Todd, I know we never got along, but come back. Please come back and Toddpunch Nicholas Morrow into the nineteenth century where his haircut belongs.
At the Moon Beach, Enid is pressuring Liz to date as well. Hey Enid, you dateless loser freak of a pot, leave the kettle alone. Nicholas Morrow comes up to them, and asks Liz to spend Saturday with him on his family's boat. Seriously, though, Nicholas is really, really weird. I think by 'Saturday' he means 'eternity', and by 'my family's boat' he means 'my rape van.' Was Jeffrey French just not available for this particular love triangle or what? How is Nicholas Morrow a better substitute?
Jeffrey French would never wear double denim.
At the Wakefields' split-level ranch, Jess invites Liz to go to the beach with her this Saturday, and Liz confesses that she's going boating with Nicholas. And what happens next? It's big. I don't think you'll even believe me, but I swear it's true. Jess is at first noticeably upset, but tells Liz that she's really happy for her. Jessica Wakefield, who is never happy for anyone except herself is putting aside her own feelings in favour of her sister's. I mean, what is that, really? Have all the music montages and revenge plots really changed her? Because...wow. Just wow.
The next day, Lila and Jess are talking in the kitchen about Jess's little man problem. Turns out that the new-and-improved Jessica Wakefield lasted about ten seconds. She called Todd in Vermont and gave him some bullshit about how Liz is suffering from psychosomantic paralysis. And because Todd is Todd, he believed her and booked himself of the next plane to Sweet Valley. Normally I'd be snarking them both, but this is Nicholas Morrow we're talking about. He is but a plague on the town. I want Todd back so badly, I wouldn't even care if they made him the main character and we all ended up watching and reading Todd Valley Todd.
Jessica reveals her plan to Lila -- once Todd sees Liz with Nicholas, he'll get so jealous that he'll want her back. Lila's awesomely awesome response is to laugh and say, "I was just thinking how funny it would be if when Todd sees those two together he gets so angry he storms off, flies back to Vermont, and Liz and Nicholas stay together forever." Hahaha! Forget Sweet Valley, Lila -- you win the world.
The world and chips.
Todd arrives at the door, and Jess freaks out now that she's seen the downside to her plan. Todd rushes in with flowers and asks if Liz is okay. Because...he really believes that she's paralysed? Really Todd? That makes sense to you? Jess and Lila panic and say that Liz stepped out to buy potato chips, and Todd calls bullshit because paraplegics rarely walk places. Just then, Liz and Nicholas arrive home after their fun boat adventure, and Todd screams, "I came all the way here to make a fool of myself!" It is pretty sad that they force Todd to take a plane in order to make him look stupid now. At least before he lived in the town, so it was convenient.
Todd runs off to meet Winston on the pier. Winston suggests they take a carousel ride together. I swear that sentence happened. He goes off to buy Todd some corn dogs, because I guess that's the way to his heart or something.
Jess kicks Lila out of the house so she and Nicholas can be alone. Sigh. He tells her that he's just not that into her, even though he is crazy unattractive and should be thankful that anything even remotely human wants to jump his bones. Jess assumes he's just intimidated by her beauty, and he responds by walking out the door. How sensitive of him.
Real men talk to zee boobies.
Back at the pier, Todd concedes that the long-distance thing isn't working, but maybe that has something to do with the fact that they friggin' broke up. Todd tells her he's coming back to Sweet Valley, because what's an NBA career when you can have a whole semester being Elizabeth Wakefield's boyfriend? Liz convinces him that leaving Vermont is probably not the best idea. Then Winston comes back with the corn dogs, and if I was a lesser person, I'd make something of the phallic nature of corn dogs in relation to the Todd-Winston relationship, but I'm better than that.
It's funny 'cause they look like dongs.
Music montage time! I'm suddenly sad that this season's ending, come to think of it. All the music montages we've been through together, all the Bruceshorts, all the unnecessary Manny. Remember the good times, friends. Anyway, the montage consists of Todd and Liz doing fun carnival-type stuff together, like eating ice-cream and riding the carousel and taking pictures in a photo booth. They make out a lot, and it's not as gross as usual. In fact, it's actually really sweet...except for the making-out-on-the-carousel thing, because their horses are moving at different rates and it looks really weird. But apart from that, I'm actually feeling this episode now. Maybe it's just because it's the last one, but I really want these crazy kids to work it out. I want ALL the crazy kids to work it out! Even Patty! (No, not Patty.)
An upside-down kiss. Suck it, Spiderman.
It's time for Todd to go back to Vermont. Nooo! I don't understand why I'm feeling like this, but I don't want it to be over. Todd, don't ever leave. Liz finally gives Todd his photo-frame present, but this time it's got the pictures from the pier in it. That's better, Liz. They say their final goodbyes, and Todd boards the plane. Oh, it's so sad. I can't stand much more of this. Then...Nicholas Morrow shows up. Aaaargh! FUCK YOU!!! Nicholas, I will bury your limp and beaten body in a shallow grave. The one time I actually make an emotional connection to this show, and Nicholas Morrow rocks up to spoil everything.
Nicholas the stalky stalker totally lies and tells Liz he's there to drop off his dad or whatever, then asks if he can walk Liz to her car. Say no, Liz, just say no. She says yes, and they walk off together...just as Todd comes back, saying something about how Liz still has his carry-on bag. WHAT? NOOOOOO! How did I forget that ending? Freeze-frame on Todd looking dejected, and...that's...that's the end of the season? What? Are you shitting me? How the HELL did that happen? I am so mad, I very nearly punched the screen when Nicholas showed his ugly ferret face, and Todd! Oh, Todd! Poor Todd! Worst. Ending. Ever.
I think I'd just rather have it end like this.
.
Well you guys, that's it. That. Is. It. I'm actually feeling really broken up about it, to be honest. Thank you for taking this crazy journey that is the Sweet Valley High TV show with me. You've been a wonderful audience. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cry into a tub of ice cream about poor heartbroken Todd.