Episode 3.15: Ready, Set, Snow
In the spirit of the season, I decided that it would be awesome to recap the third season Christmas episode. Yeah…..
The episode opens with Lila and Jess entering the Moon Beach Café after a long day of shopping, laden down with lots and lots of bags. Embarrassing confession time: When I was a young child, I used to think that walking through a mall carrying enough bags that you kept knocking into people was the epitome of cool. It wasn’t until quite some time later that I just discovered that it meant getting a twinge in your back. Anyways, Jess and Lila enthuse about how the season is all about what you get from others. Lila starts talking about awesome Fowler Christmas party that’s complete with Beluga caviar and the London Symphony. Lila, I know your awesome, but this enthusing is soooooo noveau riche! Apparently one of the other big things about this party is that there’ll be snow. Jessica actually believes that this is because Mr. Fowler is rich enough to control the weather. Lila clearly has a moment where she wonders how Jessica can even breathe.
At the next table we find Cheryl, Shred, Manny and Enid. They’re momentarily bummed about not being invited to the Fowler party, but then Shred mentions their super awesome ski trip. Manny and Enid start going on and on about how they’ve never seen snow and are so excited to see it. Guys, snow is not awesome. Snow is not even that much fun. Trust me, it snowed 9 inches in 4 hours where I work this week and all it caused was traffic so horrible that people who had full gas tanks were running on fumes by the time that they got home. After going on about snow, the group talks about how Christmas is so great and basically how the world is all happy and shiny now. Lila and Jess call them out on their corniness and then bash Winston for his really horrendous Christmas decorations which look like misshapen pieces of wax spray-painted gold with candles jabbed into them.
Back at the Wakefield house, Liz is getting things ready for her charity party that evening. Jess asks why Liz isn’t off St. Lizzing and Liz says that she actually is but she’s gotten squat for her Toys for Tots collection. Jess says that Liz did a lousy job and then gets a present from a guy that Jess adds to her Toys for Jessica collection. Liz goes on about how Jessica is selfish and Jess says that Liz just doesn’t understand that the meaning of Christmas is what you get and who you get it from.
Enid gets a snowglobe from a Secret Santa. Hmm, I wonder who it could be. Enid, showing off her “specialness” tries to figure it out while waiting at the Moon Beach for the ski trip to start. She rattles off a bunch of names, including Wilbur. Enid, how on earth do you even know a Wilbur? Cheryl asks if she’s naming her Christmas ham and Todd says that he hates ham. Then Cheryl point out that the snow globe is obviously from someone obvious. Enid guesses that it’s from Santa because it can’t be Manny because she messed that up. Todd asks how Enid can believe that Santa gave her the snowglobe. I don’t know why but Todd seems way less dumb after they switched actors. Am I the only one who thinks so?
Back at the Wakefield house, Liz finds out that everyone on the party planning committee for Toys for Tots has gotten food poisoning from a fruitcake. I call shenanigans on this. I just bet that the committee knew that they were working with St. Liz and that they could get her to do everything and come off looking awesome. Then Liz tries to hint that Jessica should help her because she has three hours to get everything together…. Jess says that Liz has friends who can help and Jess has a massage to get to. Liz warns that Jessica will end up all alone and Jess feels that she’s too popular to be alone.
At the MBC, the ski trip group is getting all excited because there’s lots of snow coming down…16 inches already. I call super shenanigans on this; see above about what 9 inches in 4 hours did. Liz comes in and is all ‘oh, I have to do everything’. Enid says that Liz can’t do everything by herself. Enid, Liz is a Wakefield…they get huge apartments in NYC for a pittance, somehow manage to keep dating boys even after they cheat on them/get them killed, give up their v-card to nobility…they can throw a party in their sleep. The group helps her unpack, but then bolts because roads keep closing (ok…the 16 inches of snow has been downgraded to just shenanigans). I have to say though…all I can really think of during this scene is how hot Michael Perl is…..
At the Wakefield house, Lila and Jessica find themselves in ‘A Christmas Carol’ with Cheryl as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Shred as the Ghost of Christmas Present (who walks around with a lava lamp…why do you hate us so much SVH TV writers?!?!?!) and Enid as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Since the show is roughly 20 minutes without commercials and the episode already spent like 8 of those minutes with all of the set-up and you know that there’s about 3 minutes of resolution that this is going to be a really quick and crap holiday trip.
The Past: Liz gets Operation for Christmas but Jessica would rather spend the day with Lila and Lila’s new Waterford tea set. Lila sees no problem with this.
The Present: Cheryl and Enid make a couple of lame jokes about Jessica and Lila which Shred calls ‘harshing’. (In the non-Christmas special side, Enid bought a double big gulp of Pepsi, meaning stops every 15 minutes. During one of these stops, Todd feels all guilty about leaving Liz and we see that Liz is ruining her own party. The ski group decides to turn back and help Liz.)
The Future: Apparently by now we’re supposed to all be wearing silver, future-y clothes….Jessica has run through husbands. Liz has snotty kids (and no husband in sight). Lila, poor Lila, just has cats.
Lila and Jess wake up and are all “oh we’re so terrible”….and so they go and save the day at Liz’s party. Liz’s party where Shred gives a kid a spoon as a gift, where Enid is dressed up as Rudolph, it wouldn’t be hard to save such a lame party even with inappropriate gifts (for kids who were expecting toys) and frog legs which Lila says taste just like chicken. Todd gives Liz a necklace that he was going to give her before their break-up. Awkward...... Jess gives Liz Operation.
Enid still hasn’t figured out that Manny is her Secret Santa. Enid, how are you still alive? You’re dumb enough that you would’ve forgotten to eat…or breathe by now. Manny reveals that he is indeed her Secret Santa. OMFG, SVH TV writers…you really shocked me with that reveal! They kiss and Enid gets all corny saying that the kiss is the magic of Christmas.
Then the gang is outside marveling at the snow from Lila’s snow machines and Lila invites them all to Fowler manor for hot chocolate and massages. Todd is surprised that they got invited to Fowler Manor. Todd, I take back my comment about you seeming smarter…since you’ve been to Fowler Manor before…. The episode ends with Liz and Jess playing operation.
Yeah, this episode is lame and one of the worst “Christmas Carol” type stories that I’ve ever seen.