And my heart is just miles and miles away from this place
Lately I've been feeling as if the friends that I've made in Army aren't the kind of people I would even have befriended in a different environment, a different time and under different circumstances. It's not that I don't like them or anything; they're nice people, they mean well, and I wish for good things to happen to them. But sometimes I feel so completely out of sync with these people. In a group setting, I often feel like a stranger observing a different species- it's all so alien to me and its disorientating and unsettling and quite frankly, depressing. I don't belong, and I don't want to belong. All I can then think of are the days between me and getting the high out of that ninth-storey office with its grey floors and queer people.
I often wonder if I would rather have them as friends or be alone and miserably count down the days without the kind of support friendships provide. And I ask myself if I simply made friends with them for reasons and motives other than the simple, pure reasons behind friendships, that of common interests, taking a general liking to another person's personality and simply enjoying someone's company. And the answer is very often a resounding yes, which somehow makes me ashamed. I acknowledge the fact that I befriended these people because I needed companionship during these 2 years, that I just needed to be part of a group dynamic, and that when these 2 years are done and I leave this place, I'll probably never talk to any of them again. That if I had been in school, or not in Army, I would've not bothered to speak to these people, because they're not like me, because I've labelled them as being different and weird and sometimes annoying. And it sucks, honestly, that this is the case. How I've proven to myself again that I am far from the person I grew up wanting to be, and how I've lost my belief in something so sacred as friendship and trust and sincerity.
I often wonder if I would rather have them as friends or be alone and miserably count down the days without the kind of support friendships provide. And I ask myself if I simply made friends with them for reasons and motives other than the simple, pure reasons behind friendships, that of common interests, taking a general liking to another person's personality and simply enjoying someone's company. And the answer is very often a resounding yes, which somehow makes me ashamed. I acknowledge the fact that I befriended these people because I needed companionship during these 2 years, that I just needed to be part of a group dynamic, and that when these 2 years are done and I leave this place, I'll probably never talk to any of them again. That if I had been in school, or not in Army, I would've not bothered to speak to these people, because they're not like me, because I've labelled them as being different and weird and sometimes annoying. And it sucks, honestly, that this is the case. How I've proven to myself again that I am far from the person I grew up wanting to be, and how I've lost my belief in something so sacred as friendship and trust and sincerity.