Trappings

[12inthemorning]

I'm not quite sure why I'm experiencing these gaps in my memory, or what they actually are. They're like white blanks that abruptly disrupt my flow of thought, just this barrier standing in the way, a breakdown between the synapses. It's really frustrating sometimes. I forget words, forget events, forget what I did just 5 minutes ago. It started out quite innocently, totally innocuous, but the past week the blanks have stretched longer, the gaps consuming even more, the blockade even more insurmountable. And I'll have to refer to dictionaries, wreck my brain to recall, ask a friend to jolt my memory. I'm not sure whether this has anything to do with my aimless Army existence, this ennui and inertia that has entered my life and made my brain unwillingly to spring into life. Everything is sluggish and sub-par: insipid, guileless, uninspired.

Somehow I still maintain that beginning Law school will do me good, will solve all of life's problems and salve my intellectual woes. I've never stopped to consider that entering Law could just exacerbate the problem or make me feel even more inadequate. I'm not even prepared for what's going to happen now, let alone the intimidating future of endless readings and "rigorous debate" and "mental stimulation".

I can't move back and I hate where I am but I'm scared to move forward. I'm trapped each way I turn and I'm finally beginning to understand what it means to be young and completely aimless.