Nutrisco et exstinguo Chapter II - Tu autem
A/N: this chapter was kindly betaed by Sianco and BritChick101. All my thanks!
Nutrisco et exstinguo means "I feed from it and extinguish it"
Tu autem literally means "you however..." ; it is usually used to designate the crux of a problem.
Warnings: Rating for this chapter is T (for minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes)
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Chapter II - Tu autem
Song: This is War, by Ingrid Michaelson
John checked his phone for the umpteenth time today - a habit he had acquired not long after the Pool incident. He had managed to make Sherlock promise him he'd text if he was to do anything stupid again, such as meeting with his (real) arch-enemy in some empty public facility at midnight where anything could happen to him. John knew that there was no way he would be able to prevent Sherlock from doing ridiculously wild things because, well, it was Sherlock. But he wanted to at least be a part of it; and not by being kidnapped unawares and strapped with Semtex, but rather by being brought along by Sherlock himself. God, couldn't the infuriating man have told him about his plan? John should have known something was wrong when he offered to buy the milk.
Consequently, John always looked like a schoolgirl craving texts from her boyfriend whenever he was away from Sherlock - mostly when working at the clinic, as he was now. On his lunch break, to be fair. He was a good doctor after all, and he wouldn't be distracted when with a patient. Unless he actually did receive a text then. Shaking his head, he tried not to dwell on the thought.
That night after they'd come back from the pool, Sherlock had stayed behind the door of John's bedroom until morning. He hadn't said anything, nor had he made his presence known in any way; he even took the trouble to climb the steps extremely quietly. But John was a soldier and knew when someone was looming right in front of his room. He'd almost opened the door to tell his friend he was fine and he should get some rest instead of just standing there in the dark, but he'd feared the detective's reaction. He didn't want it to seem like he was rejecting him in any way, not when he had reproached him for his detachment just a few hours ago - and especially not when Moriarty had so blatantly implied that he was Sherlock's heart. Or what made him realise he had one, anyway.
It's a wonder at all
It's a wonder at all
But, truth be told, Sherlock was probably what brought the doctor's own heart back to life. He had given him back his courage. And John actually felt like he was much more indebted to the consulting detective than he to him.
It's a wonder at all that I'm alive
It's a wonder at all that I'm still standing
It's a wonder at all that I survived the war
Between your, between your heart and mine
Between your, between your heart and mine
He had given him back his life, and had made it so much better. John couldn't remember ever feeling so alive - so happy. Of course the detective was insufferable, bossy, childish, capricious, exciting, charismatic... But God, he was just so magnetic. John knew as a doctor (and now as a friend) that Sherlock was not a sociopath, regardless of the idiot's claims on the matter. Because he truly was an idiot to hide behind that definition, thus shutting himself from the world... and even from his own flatmate at the beginning. Sherlock had kept his distance, and just hadn't opened up. He'd refused to. And the situation had got even worse after the Pool: for some reason, Sherlock seemed to think John wouldn't be inclined to stay with a freak who not only blew up the flat on a regular basis, but who almost got him blown up because he was too excited to meet some criminal mastermind. Admittedly, John didn't want to be blown up by his flat mate - or be blown up at all, thank you very much - but that did not mean he wanted to leave Baker Street. In fact, he still wondered whether he would ever be ready, and more importantly willing, to do so. Sherlock was addictive, and John knew their relationship wasn't healthy. Not because they were both addicted to each other, but because Sherlock wanted nothing to do with relationships, and the doctor himself was well aware that he was in denial as to the nature of his feelings towards the detective.
I won't surrender
I will fight better
You lock me out and knock me down
And I will find my way around
I won't surrender
This is war, oh
John wasn't stupid. He knew for a fact that Sherlock was the most important person in his life. But he also knew they were not ready for anything more than friendship, and even achieving that with the lunatic git was a feat, really, with all the 'I'm a high functioning sociopath' crap. John was getting tired of it. It made him want to break the detective's defences all the more, and make him understand that being close to people wasn't a weakness, but protected you and made you feel warm and not alone. Nothing wrong with that.
It's a wonder at all that I can see
It's a wonder at all the sky's not falling down
It's a wonder at all that I decide to breathe
Anymore, anymore, anymore
And so the doctor did everything he could to make Sherlock open up to him a bit more every day. He was used to the detective's theatrics by now, to the acts he put on, and even to the raw emotions that would escape him fleetingly - and, John believed, unwittingly. Sometimes he got mad at him and was so pissed he just couldn't bear his mere presence in the room anymore, because the tension was palpable. The unsaid words, the complex and hidden feelings just threatened to suffocate him. He needed air in those moments when Sherlock was being so stubborn. Sherlock would always rather act like an insufferable dick than admit he was scared of John leaving. Crazy bastard - really, how was the doctor supposed to make him drop all this reverse psychology nonsense?
I won't surrender
I will fight better
You lock me out and knock me down
But I will find my way around
I won't surrender
But John had known worse. To be sure, he had no idea where this would lead him, nor did he know whether Sherlock would throw him out if he thought he couldn't cope with his own feelings any longer; if he decided John really was more of a hindrance than he was worth, and could be used against him as his utmost weakness. That would be utterly moronic - what came next then? Moving out of Baker Street away from Mrs Hudson, whom he cared for as well, refusing to meet Lestrade? John sighed. Sherlock certainly wasn't above it. Idiot.
This, this is
This is war, this is war
I will run until I can't run anymore
Someone's got to lose
It's not gonna be this girl
Nevertheless, the doctor secretly hoped it would never come to that. He wanted to make Sherlock understand that he could trust him and rely on him, because he did not intend to leave any time soon. Of course he dated women - a man has needs after all - but not one of them could compete with the detective. John was attracted to women but whilst he enjoyed dating and shagging them, he couldn't picture himself falling in love with one, nor, God forbid, moving in with one. Unless she agreed to move into Baker Street with Sherlock there as well.
John blinked upon realizing what he had just thought. He massaged his temples, trying hard not to start laughing like a madman in his office.
'God, I really am doomed...'
His phone suddenly vibrated on his desk. He glanced at it.
We're out of milk. Buy some on your way back. (And you should really stop checking your inbox every five minutes or so, John, it doesn't make you very attractive to bachelorettes) SH
John stared at his screen for a second before he broke into a grin. The man would be the death of him.
You're right. I'm sure I broke the heart of every senior patient I saw this morning. Unless you're talking about the incredibly sexy and lesbian receptionist. I'll make sure to ignore your texts when I get the milk though, might have a chance with the cash till there - machines can be pretty sensitive about those things. JW
Yes, the man would be the death of him; Sherlock was causing him to fall fast and hard. But John intended very much to take him along, whatever he was falling into. He grinned. This was even better than war.
This time, I won't surrender
I will fight better
You lock me out and knock me down
And I will find my way around
I won't surrender
I will fight better
This is, this is war
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tbc
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This is War, by Ingrid Michaelson
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