Comments | zinger04: Expectations

zinger04

Expectations

Apr 18, 2007 13:01

Over the past couple of days, I've had some things that have got me thinking. Spent Monday with M___ and there were a couple things in that time that I wasn't wholly comfortable with and on Monday night, there was a small and ongoing altercation with misskitty_79 that brought up the issue more. Expectations in relationships. Do you have them? What kinds of ( Read more... )

loves, discussion, relationships

Comments 18

photogeek_mtl April 19 2007, 00:01:49 UTC

*ALL* relationships have expectations.

In a poly relationship it is very important that these expectations are discussed and agreed upon.

Your expectations are probably just fine --- but they definitely need to be communicated to everyone else in the relationship.

Good luck. If you want to talk more --- let me know.

It's all about what's "normal" mr_jim April 20 2007, 14:35:07 UTC

It's ok to want things from a relationship ( ... )

Re: It's all about what's "normal" lightcastle April 23 2007, 15:53:54 UTC

Hearing the words "if only I'd known you wanted that" can be very heartbreaking. Communication is the key, get everyone on the same page, or at least knowing what that page is, can save a lot of hassles.

That's very true. And for two reasons. One, because often people think that they shouldn't have to ask - if you loved me you would just "know". (It doesn't work like that.) Secondly, because often people feel they didn't have the right to ask. It would be selfish, or bad, or what have you.

But yes. Expectations always exist. The real trick is figuring out whether everyone knows these expectations. Many are unstated, and sometimes have to be dealt with only when they are disappointed. But eventually (especially in poly, where the script is less reinforced culturally) you have to discuss them openly.

northbard April 23 2007, 16:01:45 UTC

"Should these expectations always be discussed and agreed upon or are there ones that are unspoken but still upheld ( ... )

lightcastle April 23 2007, 20:42:51 UTC

We're all writing our own scripts, nowadays, it's a constant improv, and the best way to keep from blocking them and being blocked, is by making sure we understand each other's underlying assumptions and styles, IMO.

The whole Blocking and Flailing as metaphors for some of this has always seemed apt to me.

But to support what northbard has said here; you are going off the classic written script. It doesn't mean that you are going to end up throwing the whole script away. Lots of good stuff exists in the traditional scripts. But you do have to check up on it. And you'll miss stuff, and so will she, and so will other lovers you and/or she will have. And then you talk about it and try to make it work. (Which, assuming you want to be together, you can usually find a way to do ( ... )

zinger04 April 24 2007, 19:58:16 UTC

That's about the only surefire way to destroy everything. :-)

Very aptly put my friend. And very true...

lightcastle April 25 2007, 02:04:03 UTC

Painful experience.

lightcastle April 23 2007, 16:03:22 UTC

There is nothing wrong with you for having said expectations. Sure, one should always look at one's expectations and be ready to have them evolve. But everyone has them.

are there ones that are unspoken but still upheld.

They might be upheld. But they also might not. Because they are unspoken and so simply might not be shared. It's easy to make the argument that the destruction of my relationship with queen-of-wands had a lot to do with unspoken expectations on both sides being violated. (It's not the whole story, as there were spoken ones violated as well, but I think that came later.) Sometimes you don't even realize you have this unspoken expectation until it starts to be violated. Then it needs to be brought up. First decide if it is really something that matters to you. Sometimes it isn't, it is just an expectation from previous relationships and you find that after looking at it, it isn't very important to you. But if it is, then you bring it up as an expectation and need and see how you and your partner can resolve it/meet it in a way that ( ... )

fuzzyila April 24 2007, 00:30:10 UTC

I think all people have expectations of other people. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is. People only usually discuss them when something goes contrary to what they expected, but I think it's important to state your expectations up front and give the other person the chance to see if they can meet them or not. If they can't, you can't have a relationship.

Now over time, these expectations can change, and when they do, it's important to bring them up again. I always give the other person the chance to think about what I've said and see if they can deal or not - there are things I won't compromise on.

My last relationship ended because our goals/expectations were very different. They started out the same, but I changed over time and we decided it was better to part ways. It hurts and I still miss him, but I'd rather that than continue to be hurt when he didn't fulfill my expectations.

lightcastle April 24 2007, 00:36:20 UTC

It hurts and I still miss him, but I'd rather that than continue to be hurt when he didn't fulfill my expectations.

But therein lies a question. Your expectations changed, and therefore he started not fulfilling them, and so you left. Fine. But as they changed, did you tell him and offer him a chance to change in response? This ties back to zinger's question about unspoken ones. If something has been discussed and agreed to, it is quite possible for someone to not think to check in as to whether or not it changed.

It becomes an unspoken expectation due to time, which can blindside you.

fuzzyila April 24 2007, 03:01:12 UTC

I said, "we decided to part ways"....

We talked a lot, but in the end, there was nothing I could do. I can't change someone else to make them share the same goals. He told me he didn't love me and didn't ever intend to.

I tend not to leave things unspoken in relationships. I find I talk a lot, but a lot of times, people don't listen - at least not the first few times. It's like they can't believe I'm being honest.

zinger04 April 24 2007, 20:16:38 UTC

I totally understand having diferent goals and that being the reason for people growing apart. Goals isn't the problem here. I don't really know if there's a huge problem. I had just started my relationship with M___ and therefore hadn't talked about what we were. It's a different and possibly difficult situation due to the fact that she's married and has a family. That's what scared me the most the day I wrote this original post. Now that we've talked, things are fine. I was just over reacting to the situation ( ... )

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