Marked: Chapter 23
ZeldaQueen: In which those airbending jokes will be biting us in the ass
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 23
ZeldaQueen: Zoey and Stevie Rae are under the oak tree, and it's clear that the Cast ladies are trying to convince us that this is a Dramatic And Tense Moment. This does not come across because as I pointed out before, this entire venture is pointless. It will not make or break if Aphrodite can rise to power or whatever. We're not on the eve of some terrible event. I don't even get the sense that they could be spied on and caught, which is honestly the only source of potential conflict that could go on.
We get a random flashback to dinner and how Erik had only said "Hi, Zoey" to her, and how sad she got after this. I think the implication is that he's all hurt and distant after she turned him down for a date. Given that this is literally the third direct interaction they've had (no, I'm not counting the blow job scene or the monologue bit, they didn't talk or interact at all), I think "hi!" is a pretty standard place to be, conversation-wise. Just because someone has a crush on you doesn't mean that they're going to declare their love for you every time you meet. Yes, I remember Twilight. Please don't remind me.
End flashback and Stevie Rae says "You just hurt his ego. Be nice to him and he'll ask you out again". I...what? Three interactions, folks! Did I lose my mind or something? Augh! Zoey asks how she knew she was thinking about Erik, and Stevie Rae says "'Cause that's what I'd be thinking about". I swear, all these people think about is sex. This is like some PG version of Hogwarts Exposed.
Zoey says that she's actually busy thinking about the circle and the ritual and everything, and while that's a lie it does make a good point - that there's allegedly more important things going on than boyfriends. Stevie Rae responds by going on about how "fiiine" Erik is, and Zoey laughs because isn't going after someone only for looks just hilarious? It's totally not what Aphrodite and the other Dark Daughters have been doing, nope!
Damien, Erin, and Shaunee show up and promptly start going on about what a good couple Erik and Zoey make. MAKE IT STOP! Damien insists that Erik will totally ask Zoey out again and Erin agrees because "[Damien] is our group expert on All Things Penile".
Thank the lord, Zoey puts an end to this conversation by asking if they got the candles and herbs needed for the ritual. Damien pulls out the dried sage and lavender, which he already tied into a bundle with cross-stitching. We get a bit of wangst because oh, his father was ashamed of his gay son, with his love of cross-stitching, and Zoey cheers him up by asking him to teach her how to cross-stitch some time.
Erin and Shaunee then pull out the candles, and everyone had best have their helmets on, because this gets stupid. Really, really stupid. Ready? Let's go!
So Zoey has everything and is trying to figure out how to set things up, when she suddenly knows what to do. There's absolutely no logic, no reasoning, the answers are literally just popping into her head as she needs them. This is lazy writing, this is. She declares that each of them will represent one of the five elements, and starts with herself being Spirit. Alright, makes sense, she's the Mary Sue High Priestess-thing. She stands in the middle of the circle and tells everyone to gather around her, as is proper.
Shaunee is given the position of Fire. She takes her place and cracks a joke about how "hot" she is. Har, har.
Stevie Rae is given the position of Earth, and I would like to call time because when the fuck has she shown the slightest hint of being earth-like? All she does is act like a puppy and squeal over hot boys and hide from Aphrodite and so on and so forth! Literally the only connection we get is Stevie Rae saying that green is her favorite color!
Bah. Erin gets water, and again I have no idea why that is. The justification is that Erin likes to swim to cool off. Um... I have no clue. None. Not a one. So let's just have a picture of Korean rock band, DBSK
ZeldaQueen: That's the ticket!
And this leaves Damien with wind. Because he...farts a lot, I guess. No, the best connection we get is that he opens the circle, just like he wishes he could open people's minds so that they would be more tolerant, because he's homosexual, you see.
I'm very angry now, so let's have a picture of Lauren Bacall
ZeldaQueen: There's something to be said for classic beauty.
Zoey pulls out the smudge stick to purify them, and there's a very long explanation which I suspect the Cast ladies got via Google-fu. Basically, they set the stick on fire so it smolders just like Erik and let the smoke go around them for purification.
As everyone is smudged up, there's a random discussion about what the different herbs do. It's brought up that lavender summons positive spirits, and Stevie Rae starts asking about that because SURELY IT WON'T BE IMPORTANT LATER ON!!! They have a laugh, because surely Cherokee spirits won't pay attention to vampires potentially summoning them, and there's a random discussion on how it's what's inside that counts, and whether or not Erik is really a nice guy and whether or not members of the Dark Daughters were bullied into joining. If that all sounds disjointed and stupid, rest assured it was.
Zoey starts soapboxing about how it's negative intent that they have to be worried about and how they have nothing to worry about because they're praying for guidance and not revenge against Aphrodite, even though Aphrodite deserves some revenge, and I hate them all. Of course they're different. That's why they've decided that they're better at being the head of the group than her and are planning for a hostile takeover.
Everyone promptly starts kissing Zoey's ass and going on about how nice things will be when she's the leader of the Dark Daughters, and I must repeat this - they met her three days ago!!! They already are licking her boots this much? I don't care! End this chapter!
Now it's time for the ceremony itself to start, and we're beaten over the head with how Zoey keeps thinking how she's not graceful or elegant or cool, and in a better story, this could be good coming-of-age stuff. As it is...keep it in mind for a bit.
Zoey first summons Air to the circle, and OH-EM-GEE, THERE'S A BREEZE! WHAT DO YOU KNOW? WHO WOULD HAVE EXPECTED THAT? NOT ME! Everyone is appropriately awed by this, and Zoey moves on to Fire. She gives some overly-long speech about how fire reminds her of fireplaces on a winter's night and OH MY LORD, THEY FEEL WARMTH AND SMELL CHESTNUTS ROASTING, WHAT A SURPRISE THIS IS!!! On to Water we go, and Zoey goes on about the ocean and rain and whatnot and NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY SMELL THE SEA AIR! ISN'T THIS AMAZING? Finally, we're at Earth. Stevie Rae says that she's not scared, and I have no idea why she would have been in the first place. This isn't tense or frightening in the least. Zoey starts to summon Earth and WOW, THEY ALL SMELL FRESHLY-CUT GRASS! HOW WEIRD IS THAT??? Oh, and the oak tree above them is "literally bowing its branches". I hate this story.
Finally, we move on to Spirit. Zoey summons that and feels all Mystic and At One With The Universe. Damien tells her to look at the circle, and we see that it's glowing.
Wait for the end, people. Wait for the end.
Zoey starts facing the four directions and giving the Cherokee prayer, only it's modified to be addressed to Nyx. I have to ask - didn't Nyx say she was the Mother Goddess figure in all religions or something? Why not use her Cherokee equivalent or whatever for this?
More importantly, why am I still expecting logic?
FINALLY, we finish up with Zoey saying to Nyx that she has no idea why she was given the speshul Mark and the affinity for the five elements, but she'll try to do her proud. Did this idiot forget about Nyx wanting her to be her eyes and ears? Was that just dropped? Ah well, it's over. And now, let us reflect.
WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK WAS THAT????
No, honestly, what was that? That was SHIT! That was worse than anything Stephenie Meyer ever crapped out! Yes, I went there! Not even Stephenie Meyer had her Sue master her power right away! THESE ASSHOLES DID!!!!! I'M SO ANGRY, I AM YELLING ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS!
Seriously! This is the only time we see Zoey practicing her powers. THE ONLY TIME!!! There's no struggling! There's no mess-ups! SHE GETS IT ALL RIGHT THE FIRST TIME! Hell, Lady in the Water had a better conflict regarding rituals! At least they couldn't figure out who got what part until the end!
And it wasn't even an interesting first attempt! It just went through like it was rehearsed! I know the recap here sounded boring, but honestly it was too dry to care! It was a bunch of dry speeches and pointless tension because nothing happened that we weren't expecting! Was there honestly someone who didn't think Zoey was going to succeed in the prayer? What was the point of this chapter, even? We found out that she could control the elements and that's it! She doesn't gain any insight, she doesn't figure out a plan, NOTHING HAPPENS!
And that's it. That's Zoey's Sue power. She officially knows she has an affinity for the five elements. There is no more doubt. There is no reason she can't take over. There's no reason she can't go to Neferet and say "Lookit what I can do!" and be the new favorite. And yet there are still six chapters to go. Six chapters of fuck-knows-what.
I'm not going to make it. I hate this book!
Onward to: Chapter 24
Back to: Chapter 22
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 23
ZeldaQueen: Zoey and Stevie Rae are under the oak tree, and it's clear that the Cast ladies are trying to convince us that this is a Dramatic And Tense Moment. This does not come across because as I pointed out before, this entire venture is pointless. It will not make or break if Aphrodite can rise to power or whatever. We're not on the eve of some terrible event. I don't even get the sense that they could be spied on and caught, which is honestly the only source of potential conflict that could go on.
We get a random flashback to dinner and how Erik had only said "Hi, Zoey" to her, and how sad she got after this. I think the implication is that he's all hurt and distant after she turned him down for a date. Given that this is literally the third direct interaction they've had (no, I'm not counting the blow job scene or the monologue bit, they didn't talk or interact at all), I think "hi!" is a pretty standard place to be, conversation-wise. Just because someone has a crush on you doesn't mean that they're going to declare their love for you every time you meet. Yes, I remember Twilight. Please don't remind me.
End flashback and Stevie Rae says "You just hurt his ego. Be nice to him and he'll ask you out again". I...what? Three interactions, folks! Did I lose my mind or something? Augh! Zoey asks how she knew she was thinking about Erik, and Stevie Rae says "'Cause that's what I'd be thinking about". I swear, all these people think about is sex. This is like some PG version of Hogwarts Exposed.
Zoey says that she's actually busy thinking about the circle and the ritual and everything, and while that's a lie it does make a good point - that there's allegedly more important things going on than boyfriends. Stevie Rae responds by going on about how "fiiine" Erik is, and Zoey laughs because isn't going after someone only for looks just hilarious? It's totally not what Aphrodite and the other Dark Daughters have been doing, nope!
Damien, Erin, and Shaunee show up and promptly start going on about what a good couple Erik and Zoey make. MAKE IT STOP! Damien insists that Erik will totally ask Zoey out again and Erin agrees because "[Damien] is our group expert on All Things Penile".
Thank the lord, Zoey puts an end to this conversation by asking if they got the candles and herbs needed for the ritual. Damien pulls out the dried sage and lavender, which he already tied into a bundle with cross-stitching. We get a bit of wangst because oh, his father was ashamed of his gay son, with his love of cross-stitching, and Zoey cheers him up by asking him to teach her how to cross-stitch some time.
Erin and Shaunee then pull out the candles, and everyone had best have their helmets on, because this gets stupid. Really, really stupid. Ready? Let's go!
So Zoey has everything and is trying to figure out how to set things up, when she suddenly knows what to do. There's absolutely no logic, no reasoning, the answers are literally just popping into her head as she needs them. This is lazy writing, this is. She declares that each of them will represent one of the five elements, and starts with herself being Spirit. Alright, makes sense, she's the Mary Sue High Priestess-thing. She stands in the middle of the circle and tells everyone to gather around her, as is proper.
Shaunee is given the position of Fire. She takes her place and cracks a joke about how "hot" she is. Har, har.
Stevie Rae is given the position of Earth, and I would like to call time because when the fuck has she shown the slightest hint of being earth-like? All she does is act like a puppy and squeal over hot boys and hide from Aphrodite and so on and so forth! Literally the only connection we get is Stevie Rae saying that green is her favorite color!
Bah. Erin gets water, and again I have no idea why that is. The justification is that Erin likes to swim to cool off. Um... I have no clue. None. Not a one. So let's just have a picture of Korean rock band, DBSK
ZeldaQueen: That's the ticket!
And this leaves Damien with wind. Because he...farts a lot, I guess. No, the best connection we get is that he opens the circle, just like he wishes he could open people's minds so that they would be more tolerant, because he's homosexual, you see.
I'm very angry now, so let's have a picture of Lauren Bacall
ZeldaQueen: There's something to be said for classic beauty.
Zoey pulls out the smudge stick to purify them, and there's a very long explanation which I suspect the Cast ladies got via Google-fu. Basically, they set the stick on fire so it smolders just like Erik and let the smoke go around them for purification.
As everyone is smudged up, there's a random discussion about what the different herbs do. It's brought up that lavender summons positive spirits, and Stevie Rae starts asking about that because SURELY IT WON'T BE IMPORTANT LATER ON!!! They have a laugh, because surely Cherokee spirits won't pay attention to vampires potentially summoning them, and there's a random discussion on how it's what's inside that counts, and whether or not Erik is really a nice guy and whether or not members of the Dark Daughters were bullied into joining. If that all sounds disjointed and stupid, rest assured it was.
Zoey starts soapboxing about how it's negative intent that they have to be worried about and how they have nothing to worry about because they're praying for guidance and not revenge against Aphrodite, even though Aphrodite deserves some revenge, and I hate them all. Of course they're different. That's why they've decided that they're better at being the head of the group than her and are planning for a hostile takeover.
Everyone promptly starts kissing Zoey's ass and going on about how nice things will be when she's the leader of the Dark Daughters, and I must repeat this - they met her three days ago!!! They already are licking her boots this much? I don't care! End this chapter!
Now it's time for the ceremony itself to start, and we're beaten over the head with how Zoey keeps thinking how she's not graceful or elegant or cool, and in a better story, this could be good coming-of-age stuff. As it is...keep it in mind for a bit.
Zoey first summons Air to the circle, and OH-EM-GEE, THERE'S A BREEZE! WHAT DO YOU KNOW? WHO WOULD HAVE EXPECTED THAT? NOT ME! Everyone is appropriately awed by this, and Zoey moves on to Fire. She gives some overly-long speech about how fire reminds her of fireplaces on a winter's night and OH MY LORD, THEY FEEL WARMTH AND SMELL CHESTNUTS ROASTING, WHAT A SURPRISE THIS IS!!! On to Water we go, and Zoey goes on about the ocean and rain and whatnot and NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY SMELL THE SEA AIR! ISN'T THIS AMAZING? Finally, we're at Earth. Stevie Rae says that she's not scared, and I have no idea why she would have been in the first place. This isn't tense or frightening in the least. Zoey starts to summon Earth and WOW, THEY ALL SMELL FRESHLY-CUT GRASS! HOW WEIRD IS THAT??? Oh, and the oak tree above them is "literally bowing its branches". I hate this story.
Finally, we move on to Spirit. Zoey summons that and feels all Mystic and At One With The Universe. Damien tells her to look at the circle, and we see that it's glowing.
Wait for the end, people. Wait for the end.
Zoey starts facing the four directions and giving the Cherokee prayer, only it's modified to be addressed to Nyx. I have to ask - didn't Nyx say she was the Mother Goddess figure in all religions or something? Why not use her Cherokee equivalent or whatever for this?
More importantly, why am I still expecting logic?
FINALLY, we finish up with Zoey saying to Nyx that she has no idea why she was given the speshul Mark and the affinity for the five elements, but she'll try to do her proud. Did this idiot forget about Nyx wanting her to be her eyes and ears? Was that just dropped? Ah well, it's over. And now, let us reflect.
Click to viewWHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK WAS THAT????
No, honestly, what was that? That was SHIT! That was worse than anything Stephenie Meyer ever crapped out! Yes, I went there! Not even Stephenie Meyer had her Sue master her power right away! THESE ASSHOLES DID!!!!! I'M SO ANGRY, I AM YELLING ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS!
Seriously! This is the only time we see Zoey practicing her powers. THE ONLY TIME!!! There's no struggling! There's no mess-ups! SHE GETS IT ALL RIGHT THE FIRST TIME! Hell, Lady in the Water had a better conflict regarding rituals! At least they couldn't figure out who got what part until the end!
And it wasn't even an interesting first attempt! It just went through like it was rehearsed! I know the recap here sounded boring, but honestly it was too dry to care! It was a bunch of dry speeches and pointless tension because nothing happened that we weren't expecting! Was there honestly someone who didn't think Zoey was going to succeed in the prayer? What was the point of this chapter, even? We found out that she could control the elements and that's it! She doesn't gain any insight, she doesn't figure out a plan, NOTHING HAPPENS!
And that's it. That's Zoey's Sue power. She officially knows she has an affinity for the five elements. There is no more doubt. There is no reason she can't take over. There's no reason she can't go to Neferet and say "Lookit what I can do!" and be the new favorite. And yet there are still six chapters to go. Six chapters of fuck-knows-what.
I'm not going to make it. I hate this book!
Onward to: Chapter 24
Back to: Chapter 22
Back to: Table of Contents