Breaking Dawn: Chapter 6 - Distractions
ZeldaQueen: Well, I still have this popcorn and Dove chocolates to get me through this chapter and the next one. *whimpers* Hang in there, girl!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 6 - Distractions
ZeldaQueen: Which I'm sure I'm going to need before many more chapters go by. *chews on a Dove chocolate* Now then, we last left off with the post-sex scene, was was somehow ridiculously amusing and creepy at the same time. Edward ultimately resolved to not have sex with Bella again until she has been vampired up. Thus, he strikes up a plan to wear her out during the day with endless amusements, so she'll be too tired at night to try and jump him. Bella describes some of their activities - snorkling (in which Edward shows off his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely, "visiting" the parrots, and swimming with the dolphins. And I have to snort with poorly-concealed laughter because those last two? They honestly remind me of those montages in Disney movies were the female and male lead find themselves wandering around, falling in love to whatever pop composter that was hired, and playing with the sparrows and bunnies and dear and whatnot. Except that Disney couples - even the severely underdeveloped ones like Snow White or Aurora - have relationships ten times better than what Edward and Bella have. As for the first one, it just gets me even more annoyed because it's once more a testiment to the boring-ness of the Cullens. Seriously, they don't need to breath! And this is the first time I know of that they are shown taking advantage of that to do something intresting! If I didn't have to breath and had super-strong skin, I'd be poking around the Mariana Trench or something, not sitting in my house, playing the piano. Anyone can do that. How many people can wrestle an anglerfish in its natural environment?
Sorry, got a little off-track there. He also tires Bella out by feeding her a ton of food, which she is always hungry for. And again, it's not much but I actually kind of identify with that, since swimming makes me want to go to the fridge like a Hoover. Anyway, Bella is pretty annoyed with this as she enjoyed their first night a lot and really wants a second round. So she sets about trying to hatch a plan to seduce Edward. Good luck with that honey, you'll have more success seducing a celibate monk. She mentions the lingerie (and wonders if Alice foresaw her needing it) and how she's been wearing some of the ivory ones to try to catch Edward's eye. According to her, "Edward seemed to notice nothing, as if I were wearing the same ratty old sweats I wore at home" which would suggest that either Edward's love for Bella is so Pure and True that he is able to rise above his base lust and not be aroused by her dressed like a French hooker, or he's gay (either one). It also gives me flashbacks to Hogwarts Exposed, specifically Chapter 3, when Harry's Pure and True love for the nunnish Hermione is enough for him to completely ignore the nearly topless Ginny. And now I need brain bleach. This'll have to do. *has more chocolate* Oh, and we get this gem of a line:
"About a week or so after we'd gotten to the island, I decided to try compromise. It had worked for us in the past."
ZeldaQueen: Excuse me for one moment, please.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Compromise? SERIOUSLY? Oh yes, you and Edward always compromise and take each other's feelings and thoughts into account. Like in Twilight, when he stalked you and broke into your room without your knowledge or consent. Or in New Moon when he left you abruptly, without comforting you or anything, just "Yo, you're no good for me, I'm outta here!" Or how he dismantled your car and had Alice kidnap you to keep you away from Jacob, without talking things over with you or bothering to figure out some other sort of system to let you stay safe and still see your friend. Or how you continued to pressure and demand for him to turn you into a vampire, completely ignoring the moral and ethical dilemmas he had with the issue, belittling him for wanting you to have "human experiences" and not wanting to rob you of them. Or how you practically jumped him for sex in Eclipse and continued to insist that he owed it to you when, again, he clearly did not believe in sex before marriage and was worried about hurting you.
Face it Bella. Edward does whatever he freaking well pleases in this relationship and you only get your way when you grow some balls and get just as demanding and forceful and manipulative as he does. In other words, there is no compromise. You just shove each other around. Well, I can certainly see why you're so much better than Anne and Gilbert or Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy or Romeo and Juliet! Honestly Meyer, can't you tell the difference between "Nick and Nora Charles"-type snarking and emotional manipulation and abuse?
Anyway, sorry about that rant folks. Back to the story! *munches some popcorn* Bella springs her plan into action which is to go out to Edward wearing the most revealing and risque black lingerie she was packed. Her mood goes a bit sour when Edward still manages to hide a reaction to this (HE'S GAY!) but she sticks to her guns. Honestly, this is perhaps the most assertive she's been and it'd almost be impressive for her, if it wasn't so creepy that she was pretty much begging for sex.
Bella goes on to tell Edward that she actually is interested in attending Dartmouth with him for a semester or two, because she's decided that she enjoys being human and "Still… eighteen, nineteen. It's really not such a big difference. It's not like I'm going to get crow's feet in the next year.” Excuse me again. Just skip this if you'd like.
DID YOU JUST FIGURE THAT OUT NOW YOU FRACKING IDIOT? DID IT ONLY OCCUR TO YOU AFTER A SCREWING THAT A HUMAN LIFE IS WORTH PURSUING AND THAT YOU AREN'T THE MOTHER-LOVING CRYPT KEEPER AT AGE EIGHTEEN? WHY THE EVER-LASTING FRICK DIDN'T THIS OCCUR TO YOU IN NEW MOON, SO WE COULD HAVE BEEN SPARED TWO NOVELS WORTH OF YOU BITCHING AND WHINING ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GETTING OLD LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD? HUH?
ZeldaQueen: My that felt good! *stretches and yawns* Sorry about that, thanks for sticking around. Edward is still not tempted by this (HE'S GAY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!) and instead gets PO'd with Bella for trying to tempt him, since apparently it's oh-so-difficult for him to resist her sultry charms. And we get this:
"...he was completely, maddeningly in control of himself. Gently, he pulled me away after a moment and cradled me against his chest.
'You are so human, Bella. Ruled by your hormones.' He chuckled."
ZeldaQueen: YES, BECAUSE ALL HUMANS ARE LUSTFUL BAGS OF HORMONES WITH SEX DRIVES! EVEN YOUR WONDERFUL WIFE, WHO YOU SEEMED TO THINK WAS ABOVE SUCH COMMON, VULGAR THINGS! I'D EXPECT YOU TO REALIZE THIS EDWARD, CONSIDERING THAT YOU APPARENTLY WENT THROUGH MEDICAL SCHOOL!
*sigh*
She gets all pouty and mentions that she's been having nightmares lately. They're a variation off of the one she had before - of a little, pretty vampire boy child that she feels the overwhelming need to protect. Well, I wonder where that's coming from. Never since J.K. Rowling has there been an author more skilled at subtly weaving in foreshadowing.
Edward offers to actually sing Bella to sleep and once more, we have those really freaky parent-child vibes and I find myself wondering exactly what kind of a relationship Meyer had with her father. And yes, I know it's supposed to be terribly romantic and I'm sure that it would be in other circumstances. Given previous things? Not so much. In the midst of their banter, Bella falls asleep. She wakes up in the middle of the night and immediately becomes distraught. From there, she begins to sob. Edward asks her if she had another bad dream. She tells him no, she's crying because she actually was having a really good dream and wanted to finish it. From there, Bella's sex drive apparently has reached Critical Overload, because she starts trying to tell Edward about it and ends up throwing her arms around him and kissing him passionately. He starts angsting some more about how he can't and she begs him to help her finish the dream and we once more fade to black as they do so.
She wakes up in the morning and the first thing she thinks is that Edward must be angry and she is afraid. NO BELLA, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! IT IS SICK AND WRONG TO THINK LIKE THAT AND YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN A MARRIAGE THAT CAUSES YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY! She asks him how much trouble she's in...Son of a - *shoves more popcorn in mouth to calm down* Well anyway, this sick guilt trip ends not long after. It turns out that Bella wasn't hurt, Edward had a fine time, and everyone is happy. And the rest of this scene is actually pretty funny in a ridiculous sort of way, as the couple take inventory of what they destroyed (the headboard and Bella's nightgown), allude to a head rush, and mention how Bella apparently can't remember the headboard being smashed. It kind of reminds me of The Hangover, only a lot more banal.
Well, Bella's hungry so off they go to get breakfast. She has eggs, and Edward comments on how many she's eaten since they've arrived.
While they eat, Bella assures Edward that she was serious about wanting to go to Dartmouth and be human for a little longer. Edward marvels that "Sex was the key all along?” to get her to be agreeable (YOU SON OF A - *has some chocolate*) and tells her that he just happens to have bought a house there, just in case. *rubs head* Well that's convenient. I guess Edward is just in the habit of buying up all available property when he can. I sometimes do that to, but when I do it, it's for Harvest Moon so yeah...
Anyway, they start making plans to visit Charlie before the semester begins and to see Renee at Christmas and Bella starts to feel that she'll be having a hard time deciding to give up being human after all, wondering if it'll really matter if she goes on to nineteen or twenty. I know you nice people don't want to hear me rant again, so... *points to rant up above* Just if you're interested.
And then Bella gets horny again - dang it woman, I know I said it's normal, but do you have any other thoughts in your head? - but Edward tells her to hold the thought as the cleaning crew come in. Two of the three cleaners are pretty nice but one lady gets freaked out when she sees Bella with Edward. He explains that she “[W]as raised to be more superstitious-or you could call it more aware-than those who live in the modern world. She suspects what I am, or close enough...They have their own legends here. The Libishomen-a blood-drinking demon who preys exclusively on beautiful women.”
Well, as has been established, Meyer fails rather epically with her vampire lore so let's run a quick Google and Wikipedia scan to see what happens. *does so* Alrighty then. First of all, there's NO SUCH THING as a "libishomen" If you Google it? The first two entries are for the entry on the Twilight Wiki and a discussion page for the Twilight Wiki entry. Instead, Google suggests that you search for Lobishomen. I did so and chose the first option, the Answers.com definition of the Lobishomen. According to this site:
The lobishomen was a mythological creature found in the folklore of South America primarily Brazil, and has often appeared on lists of vampires. However, lobishomens, which originally derived from Portuguese mythology, were not vampires; they were Portuguese werewolves
Going off of this link (vampire legends in South America), the Lobishomen is further described as being "small, stumpy, and hunch-backed monkey-like being. It had a yellow face, bloodless lips, black teeth, a bushy beard, and plush-covered feet. It attacked females and caused them to become nymphomaniacs. It would become vulnerable when drunk on blood, thus making it easier to catch. It could then be crucified on a tree." As with the first link, it says that the Lobishomen were not vampires, but instead Portuguese werewolves, created through witchcraft or incest.
So yeah. Not only did Meyer botch another vampire mythology connection, she didn't even get a freaking vampire! Meyer, should you ever read this, please understand - I know that you want to make your vampires unique, and I applaud you for that. But when you are including things that have a mythological or historical basis, do not just go and steal parts and twist the rest to suit your needs. Using a convenient thing known as the "internet", I was able to find all of that information. In sixteen seconds. I timed myself. I can only assume that you wrote this story on a computer, there honestly is no excuse why you couldn't have spared sixteen seconds to straighten this out. And the kicker is that you must have done some form of research to find that bugger to begin with, which would mean that you knew the real mythology and changed it anyway. You took the wrong creature and changed how it looked (does your sparkly marble statue of a romantic hero look anything like what was described there?) and even screwed up the name and put it in.
Oh, and to anyone who says "it's fantasy, it doesn't matter"? Bull. It's quite frankly disgraceful when a college sophomore is able to do better research than a graduated English Major with three other novels under her belt. Not only that, but it's unprofessional and sloppy. Meyer is not making up a world like Tolkein or Lewis or Rowling did, she is basing this in the real world and using real mythology and thus is expected to get it right. I might add that, to make a Harry Potter reference, flip through any of the books. Or extra material. Look up some of the magical creatures they make mention of. Does Rowling say that the Karppen is a duck-like creature in Japan that drowns young maidens in lakes? No. She is using real mythology and stays accurate.
And that paragraph of a rant above? Apparently it's necessary because the stupidity is still bouncing off some of the fans' heads like bullets off of an iron pot. On the page linked above (the discussion page for the Twilight Wiki), someone points out how Meyer got the "vampire" legend wrong and how she also incorrectly put the Mapuche people in Brazille. Of the four responses, two just pointed out that the couple were honeymooning on Isle Esme and "not Rio" as the OP specified. The third yammered on about Kristen Stewert playing Bella. The fourth actually answered the OP, but finished with this message:
"Stephenie Meyer wrote a FICTIONAL book, people. Why are there so many people here questioning the so-called "facts"??? Maybe you should write your own book. Non-fiction of course :-)"
ZeldaQueen: Apparently the fact that those things are facts and ignoring them is a sign of ignorance and laziness has sailed merrily over their heads. *seeths*
And...that's about it. They watch a movie, Bella gets hungry again (GEE , I WONDER WHY THAT IS?), and the two go off to screw. UHN!
Projection Room Voices: How're you holding up?
ZeldaQueen: Suckily. Can I take a break now?
Projection Room Voices: Just one more chapter, then a break.
ZeldaQueen: Slavedrivers.
Onward to: Chapter 7: Unexpected
Back to: Chapter 5: Isle Esme
Return to: Table of Contents