Breaking Dawn: Chapter 5 - Isle Esme
ZeldaQueen: Right, next chapter! And…we’re moving on to the honeymoon! Well, maybe something interesting will actually happen. And maybe buckets of ravioli and nuggets of gold will fall from the sky.
Chapter 5 - Isle Esme
ZeldaQueen: Isle wah? I’m not sure I like the sound of that. Okay, we open up the chapter with Bella and Edward on their way to their honeymooning spot. Bella still doesn’t know where it is, only that they’re stopping in Houston and Rio de Janeiro along the way. Oh, and we also find out that Edward speaks perfect Portuguese. Of course he does. From there they board a yacht that is “smaller than the others, sleeker, obviously built for speed instead of space. Still luxurious, though, and more graceful than the rest.” Yes of course, because everything Edward picks out and does is superio - OH YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! She actually acknowledges this, not three sentences later!
“I watched in silence while he prepared the boat for departure, surprised at how skilled and comfortable he seemed, because he'd never mentioned an interest in boating before. But then again, he was good at just about everything."
ZeldaQueen: Good God, Meyer isn’t even pretending that he’s not perfect anymore, if she was ever. And seriously Meyer, I know that you were going for “love has blinded Bella to see Edward as perfect”, but the fact that people can interpret it the other way (that he really is perfect)? Nicht so gut.
They set off to sea and Bella is getting all tired. She wonders vaguely where they could be going. “Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to Atlantis.” I love the indifference in that line, by the way. It’s just like “Okay, I’m riding in a yacht with my vampire husband off of the coast of Brazil to a location that I have no clue about. Meh, whatever”. Anyway, the question of the honeymoon location is solved, when they come across an island which, in the typical Meyer fashion, is picture-perfect and probably much nice than a tropical island would be in real life. Edward tells Bella that they are at Isle Esme. Named after the owner, Esme Cullen. Who got it as a gift from Carlisle. He got her an island as a gift!!! The…frick? Does she even use the bleeding thing? We never see her go on vacation and anyway it’s out in the ocean, off of the coast of Brazil. Wouldn’t she get really sparkly if she went there (surely it’s very sunny) and thus be noticed? But I mean, she’s letting a tropical island just sit there! If my husband gave me a tropical island, you’d never be able to pry my sorry butt off of there.
Bella is equally amazed at this knowledge. As she goes to get out of the boat, Edward scoops her up and carries her inside, apparently unable to wait for her to walk to the door. She’s not a baby! Stop carrying her everywhere! Oh, and it actually says that he was “cradling [her] in one arm” while carrying the bags in another. That’s nice. Now he’s actually using terms associated with children to describe him carting her around.
They reach the house that they’ll be staying at and by now both of them are really nervous because they know what’s coming up and neither of them really have any idea how it’ll turn out. Edward proposes a midnight swim and Bella agrees. She goes off into the bathroom to get ready, by now about to fall on the ground from nervousness. She opens her suitcase to figure out what to wear and finds that Alice has packed it full of French lingerie. She is understandably shocked at this and thinks “I didn't know how or when, but someday, Alice was going to pay for this”. And that might have actually been kind of amusing, if it weren’t for the fact that we all know full well that Bella would never attempt any sort of revenge. Ah well, let’s take what we can get.
Bella continues to freak out, although it’s actually not as angst or uncalled for as other times. At least she’s not going “Oh why, oh why did he pick me? I’m so plain and stupid and clumsy and inferior to him!” She’s heading off to do something which she wants to do but obviously is unfamiliar with (as is Edward, but let’s leave that one lie, shall we?)
She and Edward have their swim and you can just tell that they’ll be having a lot of fun with this part if and when they ever make it into a movie. This is when things start to get kind of steamy. *pulls out pilfered popcorn and begins to munch* They talk about how they’re part of one another and they embrace and…then we skip to Bella waking up the next morning. That’s it. No mention of them going into the bedroom, no mention of the actual night, no extra “Enter” space between paragraphs to signify a time skip, nothing! C’mon Meyer, you’ve been teasing your fans with this for so long and you won’t even give them the clichéd symbolic movie devices? Ah well, perhaps it’s for the best. Given how her track record’s been, Meyer probably would write about exotic sexual maneuvers she’s had no experience with and wind up sounding even more like Rose Potter, who screwed Cedric Diggory virtually every night from her fifth year onward.
Ah well. Getting back to the story, Bella wakes up in a fantastic mood. Apparently, she had a great time last night, if you know what I mean. Her euphoria is promptly squashed by Edward, because he’s a major killjoy. Well, technically it’s because he’s worried that he hurt Bella last night (but he is a killjoy). He keeps asking her if she’s alright, she keeps insisting that he is, and he shows her that she’s got bruises all up and down her arm.
…Again, given the context, I know that this is an accident and all. Given the previous “abusive boyfriend” tones that have been picked up on by some alert readers?
Yeah… And it doesn’t help that Bella’s first thought was that she did something wrong to get Edward upset. &*(^%*!!!!!
Projection Room Voices: No symbolic cursing in the Media Room!
ZeldaQueen: Anyway, this is the “quarreling couple” part. Bella gets annoyed with Edward for not listening to her when she insists that she’s not hurt and Edward is convinced that she’s being a martyr and hiding her pain. She is apparently just a little sore (from her entire body being covered in bruises?), mentioning that it was not as bad as when she and her mother had taken up weigh lifting and did sixty five lunges with ten pound weights and she was sore the next day. Waaaah? Okay, I understand what she’s getting at there. My mom had me go on an exercise regime with her for some time and I did weight lifting in gym. But I find it hard to believe that having your body covered in bruises is less painful than lunging with ten pound weights. Oh, and I also find it hard to believe that you fit in a workout regime in the past if you were so weak and non-athletic and clumsy. Given the choice though, I’d have to say that I prefer to ignore the clumsy aspect so I’ll leave that lie.
Edward, for his part, starts moaning on and on about how he’s a monster to hurt her like that and is angsting for all he’s worth. The mood is rather comically spoiled when Bella interrupts him to ask why there are feathers everywhere. It turns out that he apparently bit a pillow sometime during their tumble last night. HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh man…
Bella starts to get angry at Edward for spoiling her good mood and being all angst and aside from her initial “what did I do wrong” bit, she actually starts to stand up a bit for herself, smacking him on the chest and giving us this priceless line:
“That,” I snapped. “That right there is why I'm angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.”
ZeldaQueen: Like, totally dude! And then Edward starts getting angry at Bella for daring to have enjoyed it, the horror, and she starts getting all seductive to try to reassure him. He gets so angry at her that she stops mid-sentence (HOW IS THIS RIGHT?) and demands to know if she was expecting something like this to happen. And of course, she averts her eyes and acts like how my dog does when my dad yells at her. (Note to Meyer: When writing an Ultimate Romantic Couple, don’t make it that one can apply their behaviors to a dog and its owner).
Edward calms down shortly after and assures Bella that he too enjoyed the evening and that it was the best ever. Yeah right Edward, everyone knows you’re gay. Hollywood celebrities are less pegged. Bella meanwhile sizes up her injuries - God, this is wrong - and brushes feathers out of her hair while Edward fixes her eggs. She notes how great they taste even though he doesn’t eat. He apparently learned through the Food Network. I’m about ready to call it quits here.
Bella eats the food while it’s still scorching hot - mind your taste buds, darling - and Edward tells her that he won’t sleep with her again until she’s been vampired up. He ends the chapter with the promise to never hurt her again. Just like in Twilight. And New Moon. And probably Eclipse.
Just two more chapters and I’ll be a third done here. Dear Lord, help me through here
Onward to: Chapter 6: Distractions
Back to: Chapter 4: Gesture
Return to: Table of Contents