Breaking Dawn: Chapter 37 - Contrivances
ZeldaQueen: Well the snack room is being fumigated for termites, so we might as well do another chapter here. Just two more after this one, right?
Projection Room Voices: Correct. "Chapter thirty- seven, in which there is much exposition".
ZeldaQueen: ...This is going to be a long chapter...
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 37: Contrivances
ZeldaQueen: Yes Meyer, your series is just chock full of those! *snarls*
Aro and his guards all start a-counciling while the Cullens and their allies regroup. It turns out that Caius is really starting to flip out and keeps insisting that the Cullens are clearly lying about the crimes they didn’t commit. Bella wonders why Caius is pitching a fit like that instead of just poking Aro’s hand to tell him how he feels and figures that it’s a sign of division in their ranks. I like to think that it’s because Caius has a lot of dirty, homoerotic thoughts about his Master and Aro is tired of having to listen to them.
(Aro): “So Caius, what do you think we should have for lunch today?
(Caius): *touches Aro’s hand*
(Aro): “Tourists then? I’ll just send Heidi ou - my god that’s filthy! Let go of my hand you pervert!”
ZeldaQueen: Hey, I can dream can’t I? No, Bella’s probably right about this one. We see the Volturi bickering just to show us how the Cullens have already rattled their cages after less than one chapter of talking (which is rather pathetic, especially when you consider that Meyer kept clubbing us with the concept that the Volturi would do all they could to avoid evidence to defend Renesmee). Plus, if the readers can’t hear what Aro and Caius are saying then Meyer can’t use it for an exposition dump.
Aro insists that everything they were told is true and refers to the number of witnesses gathered to vouch for the kid. Carlisle gets kind of nervous at this while the Volturi witnesses get all confused. I’m with them. Bella starts to get worried and we hear once more how OH SO SPECIAL her shield is as she tends to it. This seriously reminds me of Rose Potter and how she constantly brought up her ninja and Occlumency skills.
Caius then brings up the werewolves and Bella wigs out because she realizes that most of them are outside of the shield. Except that she realizes that if the Alphas are protected, this protection extends to the other wolves. How extremely convenient and contrived. Somehow, I doubt that’s what the title is referring to though.
And now Meyer pulls a card which makes me want to beat my head on the wall. Caius starts going on about the wolves, calling them the “Children of the Moon” and saying that the Volturi have hunted them to near extinction in Europe and Asia. He proceeds to try to use Carlisle’s alliance with these wolves as proof of treachery, but Edward informs them that these wolves aren’t like the regular werewolves that were hunted. When Caius insists that they’re mutants, Aro cuts in and informs him that the wolves aren’t technically even werewolves. They are shape shifters. The difference?
“Though the creatures think of themselves as werewolves, they are not. The more accurate name for them would be shape-shifters. The choice of a wolf form was purely chance. It could have been a bear or a hawk or a panther when the first change was made. These creatures truly have nothing to do with the Children of the Moon. They have merely inherited this skill from their fathers. It's genetic-they do not continue their species by infecting others the way true werewolves do”
ZeldaQueen: Right, what’s wrong with this?
First of all, Meyer waited until now to spring this concept on us. Three chapters before the end of the last book in the series, she brings up something which seems to have been a big deal in the vampire world, but is just yanked out of thin air. I mean really, didn’t Edward at any point before think that Bella would be interested in hearing that there was a different kind of werewolf that was more accurate to legend? Of course not! Edward only tells Bella about the supernatural world when it pertains to the future of the plot!
Second of all, they’re shape shifters. They could have potentially turned into other animals. Fine, cool. Except for one thing - where is the evidence for this prior? To the extent of my knowledge, all we’ve ever heard about is how the Quileute have transformed into wolves. The legend of how it started began that the tribal leader turned human after being in the body of a wolf. As far as I know, there was no mention of anyone ever turning into a bear or a hawk or a panther. So what, in the entire history of the tribe every single person who transformed was only fit to be a wolf? How is it chance then? And again, this is a fairly big plot concept. And yet again, Meyer just uses it as a butt pull for something which is fairly useless and will be forgotten in a few paragraphs.
Finally, HOW IN THE NINE HELLS IS IT THAT EDWARD AND ARO KNOW ALL OF THIS STUFF BUT THE WOLVES THEMSELVES DON’T??? Meyer, that seriously grates my nerves. Throughout the series, you’ve written the Quileute teens as being uncertain of how their powers work. They have no idea (besides the older folk) of when they’ll transform. They don’t even know about the wolves and vampires being real until they actually transform. They don’t know about imprinting before transforming. It’s established in this book that they don’t know exactly how imprinting works or how transforming affects the female body. And now we find out that they don’t know that they could have been transforming into other animals and weren’t real werewolves. Again fine. I can roll with that, I can understand a hidden concept having parts that are secret or lost. But then we find out here that Edward and Aro can spout off all of this knowledge about the wolves! Knowledge which Jacob himself doesn’t know! (He shrugs when Bella looks at him in confusion). Okay, Edward I can possibly ignore. Edward met the wolves before, he spent the past books working with them, and it’s not entirely unlikely that he knew about the European werewolves and thus would have realized the difference (still makes him seem rather silly not to mention it at all to Bella or Jacob). But how does Aro know that stuff? By this book’s own admission, the Volturi found the wolves to be puzzling. Does Meyer mean for me to believe that Aro deduced something like that from reading Edward’s memories of them? If so, BULL I SAY! Like I said, Edward knows less about the wolves than Jacob does. I know Meyer loves to paint the vampires as perfect and cultured with the wolves as greasers, but honestly I refuse to believe that Aro could figure that all out with less knowledge than the guys who are actually doing the transforming. Heck, there’s no reason why Edward should realize something like that, for Aro to read the thought. Like I said, there was no indication that the teens could turn into anything other than a wolf.
And why is Meyer taking all of the time and effort to specify this stuff?
“What's the deal with "shapeshifters"?
What is the definition of a werewolf? Is it a man who changes into a wolf? Or is it a man who, once infected by a werewolf bite, changes into a wolf during a full moon? If you go with the basic description, then the Quileutes are werewolves. It's not a distinction that really matters on a normal day. During the standoff with the Volturi (not a normal day), Edward sees that Caius is going to use the treaty with the werewolves as an excuse to attack. He's aware of the distinction between these wolves and the more traditional kind, and though it's only a technicality, he is able to use it to deflect the attack. Technically, the Volturi aren't at war with these wolves and Edward stresses the word "shapeshifter" in order to make the distinction clearer to the witnesses. The Quileutes weren't aware of the existence of a different species of werewolves, but Carlisle and Edward were. There was a hint about this at the end of Eclipse when Edward says to Victoria (referring to Seth), "Is he really so much like the monster James tracked across Siberia?"
ZeldaQueen: Okay, fine. In other words, Edward was splitting hairs to foil Caius’s attempt to justify an attack. Rather lame, but still understandable. And I agree, there are a lot of different kinds of werewolves, so it’s not so weird that there’d be different kinds (not like Meyer’s the first kind to do something like that). But then, why is Aro the one who points out the “shape shifter” bit. According to everything we’ve been told thus far, he’s the one who wants an excuse to lead an attack against the Cullens. Caius had an excuse right there - the Cullens were allied with what appeared to be a mutant breed of wolves. Aro could have pretended that he figured that they were new and thus uncertain of how dangerous they were and launched an attack! Meyer, CONSISTENCY IS YOUR FRIEND!!!
Caius makes some weak accusation that the wolves know about the vampires and is shut down pretty quickly because of course the wolves are also supernatural and would be keeping secrets of their own. Aro more or less tells him to shut up and be careful and we’re told that Aro is trying to keep from making “false accusations” in front of the witnesses.
Folks, I’m really confused about this all here. We had it whacked over our heads for the past few books that this was a HUGE power grab for the Volturi. That they wanted to get a bunch of strong vampires at any cost. That they would be ignoring evidence to help the Cullens and using any and all excuses to kill, burn, and destroy! So how does any of this make sense? Were they so absolutely certain that the Cullens did something to legally warrant massive death? Did they bring these witnesses to watch as they destroyed other Immortal Children? If not, why bring them here? Are the Cullens just so famous and well-liked in the vampire world that the Volturi would need confirmation to assure everyone that their deaths were justified? Wouldn’t things go easier for the Volturi if they didn’t make a huge show of this? I guess Aro’s weakness is supposed to be that he loves having an audience, but if he’s so flamboyant about it all then how are we supposed to believe that he kept everyone blind to his “evil”?
If I’m missing anything, could any of you viewers please explain this to me?
Caius then moves on to wanting to talk to Irina again and has her tossed back to him. She is still obviously upset and scared and apologizes for her mistake. Caius demands to know why she turned them in to begin with and she admits that she was angry with the Cullens for not letting her avenge Laurent’s death by the wolves. Excuse me? So the fact that she was apparently confronted with a creature that was the cause of her vampire mother’s death doesn’t factor in this at all? Caius seems to be fishing for yet another reason for an attack on the Cullens and apparently thinks that their siding with the wolves over Irina would work. He asks if Irina would like to make a formal complaint and Bella tells us “Maybe Caius didn't understand real families-relationships based on love rather than just the love of power. Maybe he overestimated the potency of vengeance”
*stares* Excuse me? Excuse me? Bella, you all but threw your own family and friends under a bus this entire series. No wait, you believe in the power of family love in relation to your in-laws! Please, it’s clear that you consider them closer family than the people that gave birth to you and raised you and cared for and loved you.
Irina, in a pretty impressive display of defiance, squares her shoulders and tells the Volturi that she was wrong about there being an Immortal Child, that the Cullens have done nothing wrong, and that there is no need for the Volturi to remain there. She then takes full responsibility for her actions. Caius pulls out a metallic object, gives a signal, and several Volturi members tear Irina apart while he sets her remains on fire.
I…I honestly don’t…THAT IS SICK! Seriously, what is that? Meyer WAS THAT NECESSARY? I THINK IT’S PRETTY FREAKING OBVIOUS THE VOLTURI WERE EVIL! And none of the Cullens or their allies were able or willing to step in and defend her? Edward could read minds! He should have been able to figure out what Caius was going to do! Benjamin could make geysers shoot out of the ground! Couldn’t he have stopped the fire?
And oh this gets better! It turns out that they killed Irina in a cheap effort to start a fight! That’s right, they killed her to get Tanya and Kate to attack. I’m still wondering why we’re even at this stage. If the Volturi don’t listen to reason, shouldn’t they have ripped Edward and Bella apart from the beginning? But no, instead they just kill the lady who made a mistake! And NOTHING COMES OF IT!!!
All this time, all Bella can think of is how this is just proof that her side will die and how Irina’s death will lead to the battle that will kill them all. YOU SELFISH BITCH, DON’T YOU CARE AT ALL THAT A WOMAN WHO WAS CLEARLY CONFLICTED AND DOING HER BEST TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE SHE CAUSED WAS JUST MURDERED TO SPARK A BATTLE! IRINA AT LEAST TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER MISTAKES WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU EVER DID!!!
Tanya and Kate indeed start to attack, but Carlisle and Garrett respectively hold them back. Kate shocks Rosalie and Emmett when they try to catch her actually and of course all Bella can think about is how Kate’s attack will lead to them all dying BITCH HER SISTER WAS JUST BRUTALLY MURDERED IN FRONT OF HER YOU ARE SO SELFISH AND NARROW-SIGHTED!!!
OH, BUT MEYER STILL HAS TIME TO PUSH FORWARD TRUE LOVE BECAUSE OF COURSE GARRETT IS THE ONLY ONE WITH THE STRENGTH TO WITHSTAND KATE’S ELECTRICITY AND HOLD HER BACK!!! SCREW YOU MEYER, I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH I LIKE THAT COUPLE, IT SUCKS AND I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU’RE PUSHING THAT WHILE TRYING TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT FAMILY LOVE WHEN FAMILY LOVE MEANS ZIP IN THE WORLD OF SOUL MATES.
GOD!!!
And now things start to be falling apart for the Volturi as the witnesses begin to get uneasy. Bella randomly realizes that they’ll be hunted down and killed by Dimitri later and feels sorry for them. I’m still confused.. From what we’re told, Aro is still trying to keep some semblance of fairness (or as Bella put it, “Aro was obviously concerned with keeping his white hat”). We’ve been told that there are forty or so vampires gathered as witnesses, obviously a fair number. Wouldn’t it seem a bit suspicious if they all were hunted down and systematically murdered some time after they all served as Volturi witnesses? Is the vampire community so divided that they won’t notice forty or so vanishing?
*sigh* Well, if we keep picking out plot holes we’ll be here all day, so let’s just continue on. Bella once more reminds us how Dimitri has to die to save everyone, because there’s going to be a battle any minute now. Aro meanwhile is still trying to pick a fight. He glosses over Irina’s death as a punishment for being a false witness and I’m wondering if that’s a jab at the Old Testament or further Catholicism bashing (not quite sure on that one, sorry folks). He then goes to poking around and questioning the witnesses. First he goes on to question Amun who states that Renesmee grows and learns and is clearly not an Immortal Child. Aro latches on to the fact that Renesmee grows very as a potential way to start a fight JESUS H. CHRIST IS THIS BORING! MEYER, WILL YOU LET AN ACTUAL FIGHT HAPPEN ALREADY? No, no, now Amun and Kebi decide to leave. Actually, Amun decides for Kebi, who I don’t think has said an entire word this entire book, which makes me wonder why she’s in there besides as a placeholder. Siobhan chimes in that Renesmee blends in with humans even better than vampires do and BULL, I SAY, none of these people, vampires or half, are inconspicuous in the least!
Aro launches into a speech about how human scientific progress has blinded them from noticing vampires. No, it’s because Meyer wrote them all to be complete idiots. In real life, people would notice them in a heartbeat! Aro then goes on about how if vampires were discovered, human technology is at a point where they could kill a bunch of vampires. Huh? What? Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t vampires hard as marble and heal super-fast and have to be torn into tiny pieces and set on fire to be stopped? From what I’ve seen, the only things strong, fast, and powerful enough to destroy them are other vampires and the occasional wolf. The inconsistencies are making my head spin… Well, the upshot is that Aro points out that how a half-vampire turns out is unknown and thus there’s no way of knowing if she’ll continue to blend in and thus she might cause danger and thus ought to be destroyed.
Garrett steps forward at this point and Jesus fuck are we going to have MORE talking? Yes, I think we are! He launches into a speech about how he has been witnessing the Volturi’s behavior and how they are clearly not standing for justice. There’s also a lot of Cullen-praising going on, specifically how the golden-eyed vampires are sooooo sophisticated and are a real family and not a coven. It all ends with him calling to the Volturi witnesses who appear to be nomads as well to not let their free will be taken and I’m seriously about ready to get on my knees and pray to the Spaghetti God if that’s what it takes to get anything remotely interesting to happen here.
Aro takes this all in stride and asks his witnesses what they all think. A couple of nomads - Makeena and Charles - decide that the Cullens are innocent and ask to be allowed to leave and are given permission to do so. The rest all appear to only be standing around to see how this will all turn out. To quote a Paranoid Android “Very badly, I’m sure”.
Oh no, you are not! Aro, Marcus, and Caius all decide to counsel. Again. WILL YOU ALL DO SOMETHING! HAVE A FIGHT! DO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A CLIMAX! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!
As soon as Aro stops paying attention, Bella hands Renesmee over to Jacob and explains that when the chance comes, the two are going to run away together. Both Jacob and Edward flip out over this and of course Edward quickly figures out that this was Bella’s huge secret. Bella goes on about how she can only leave Renesmee to Jacob because she knows how much he loves her - yes I know, and it’s damned creepy! - and Edward tells him “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother… my son” and now I want to die.
Well, this sets off everyone having their tender goodbyes. Can this be a sign of an impending fight? Please, maybe? *is hopeful to the end* We get Esme holding hands with Carlisle, Rosalie and Emmett kissing passionately, Tia and Benjamin face-stroking and this from Garrett and Kate
“'If we live through this,’ Garrett whispered to Kate, ‘I'll follow you anywhere, woman.’
‘Now he tells me,’ she muttered"
ZeldaQueen: Much as I prefer that couple to most of the others, Serenity handled that kind of proposal much better. Meyer, leave good relationships to good writers (Whedon, woot!)
Bella feels something attacking her shield and tells everyone to get ready, it’s starting. And I’ll tell you here and now, if this leads to an actual battle, then I will convert to Spaghettism and kiss the toes of everyone in this room.
ZeldaQueen: I mean, my God this chapter was boring! Nothing happened in it besides the death of Irine, which was promptly forgotten! Screw this, I'm taking my chances with the termites! Good day!
Onward to: Chapter 38: Power
Back to: Chapter 36: Bloodlust
Return to: Table of Contents