Breaking Dawn: Chapter 33 - Forgery
Projection Room Voices: You're ready awful soon.
ZeldaQueen: Well, my writing class was canceled and the sooner I do this, the sooner it's done.
Projection Room Voices: Right. "Chapter thirty-three, in which we are introduced to a useless subplot". Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 33: Forgery
ZeldaQueen: We open up with Bella on the phone with her dad. It seems that he’s gone for a week without seeing Renesmee and is in desperate need of a hit wants to visit his granddaughter. Bella tells him that it’s important for him to stay away for now, explaining that it falls under the “need to know” umbrella for supernatural weirdness. He finally goes along with it (giving us an “ugh”), and accepts Bella’s offer to bring Renesmee over for a visit to his place. He adds that Sue Clearwater will be visiting as well, bringing him lunch, and mentions that “She's just as horrified by my cooking as you were when you first showed up”. Because men can’t cook, despite the fact that Charlie had been living by himself for years without anyone feeding him. I’m starting to wonder if Meyer has issues with how her husband or father cooks and she’s making jabs at it.
Oh, and Meyer also spits on Charlie’s integrity and intellect as a cop. Because when the meeting is arranged, Charlie asks if Jake will be coming along with Renesmee. It is explained to the reader that “Though Charlie didn't know anything about werewolf imprinting, no one could be oblivious to the attachment between Jacob and Renesmee”. So he has noticed this less-than-healthy relationship between a nearly-adult teenager and a toddler and isn’t at all suspicious? Right…
There’s also apparently something going on with Billy, which is implied to have something to do with Jacob. Bella decides that she can’t be bothered with it (seriously, those are pretty much her exact words) and ignores it in favor of her spawn. You know Bella, he’s probably worried that his son has abandoned all responsibilities and semblance of a life to camp out at the Cullen household and babysit for a demon child! I feel bad for Billy - first his son starts mooning after his best friend’s daughter, who is dating a vampire (said daughter is also flippant when he tries to make her aware of the fact that her boyfriend is dangerous - a fact which sails straight through her empty head). Then his son turns into a werewolf and has to go out at all hours to hunt for murderous vampires in the area. Then his son goes on a seriously depressed kick and literally runs away from home for a huge stretch of time, with no one at all able to tell where he is or what he’s doing. When said son finally comes home, he promptly ditches his friends in the pack and his family for the same flippant daughter of best friend (who didn’t pick his son, hence the moping), leaving Billy alone to deal with a grief-stricken Sue Clearwater (whose own children have done pretty much the same), worried that his son will be hurt or dead at any moment. And now Billy knows that his son has sent his entire mini-pack away for some reason and is thus undefended and no doubt up to something dangerous.
Take a stab in the dark on this one, Bella. I know you have the brains of an oyster, but I’d think that even the oyster would have figured it all out by now.
Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee pile into Edward’s Volvo and we find out that Bella’s wedding present car was a Ferrari. Yes, really. And yes, we are reminded of how she wasn’t able to properly appreciated it and that she prefers running (I kind of get behind her on that one, I way prefer walking and running places. Driving freaks me out). Renesmee sits in Jacob’s lap on the trip. *headdesk* BAD PARENT SKILLS! Meyer, I don’t care if your Sue spawn is half-vampire and all tough. She’s a toddler and it’s still irresponsible to do that! Is it that she and Jacob are so incapable of separation that they just can’t stand to put her in a kid’s seat in the back? If so, that’s pathetic! I hope the police pull them over and arrest Bella and Jacob.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen. Instead, we get a conversation on how creepy the Romanian vampires are. Apparently Renesmee has taken a weird shine to them though, which would be kind of interesting if it weren’t ignored immediately after this. We do get to hear their explanation as to why they look the way they do.
“We sat still for a very long time, child,” Vladimir had answered, with Stefan nodding along but not continuing Vladimir's sentences as he often did. “Contemplating our own divinity. It was a sign of our power that everything came to us. Prey, diplomats, those seeking our favor. We sat on our thrones and thought ourselves gods. We didn't notice for a long time that we were changing-almost petrifying. I suppose the Volturi did us one favor when they burned our castles. Stefan and I, at least, did not continue to petrify. Now the Volturi's eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets”
ZeldaQueen: Vampires that act like actual vampires! Thank you God!
They reach Charlie’s place, where he comes rushing out and fusses over Renesmee. And…Bella bails. Seriously. She basically tells Charlie that she’s leaving Renesmee and Jake with him and that she has to go run errands, good to see him and bye. That’s fantastic, Bella. Oh, and she does it under the guise of Christmas shopping. What, it’s almost Christmas? So nice of Meyer to be clear on her timeline.
Well, it seems that Bella decided to take the opportunity to go find out what Alice wanted her to see this J. Jenks dude for. He of course lives in a really shady part of town which is described as a stereotypical ghetto, complete with bars with painted windows and a sleazy psychic’s place (incidentally, Bella also seems to have gained Edward‘s ability to defy the laws of physics while she drives. Must be a vampire thing). This all leads Bella to note that “During my human years, I would have locked the doors and driven away as fast as I dared” Erm, I highly doubt that Bella. You were too stupid as a human to scream for help when some rapists were coming after you in Twilight or avoid those bikers in New Moon. If you were human now, you’d probably just wander off into this neighborhood and get saved by Edward. Again.
Well, it seems that it’s pretty empty in the area, besides a man sitting in front of Bella’s address, whistling happily. This, of course, completely befuddles Bella, who can’t imagine how anyone living in a place like that could be so cheerful. Yes Bella, if someone’s poor, there’s no way they can ever be happy.
But wait, the whistler isn’t just some random poor dude! He approaches Bella and she notes with her Super Vampire Senses that
“Under his long ragged duster, he was a little too well dressed. There was no breeze to give me the scent, but the sheen on his dark red shirt looked like silk. His crinkly black hair was tangled and wild, but his dark skin was smooth and perfect, his teeth white and straight. A contradiction.”
ZeldaQueen: “Dark skin”? Oh Meyer, you didn’t. Please tell me that you didn’t make the ghetto dude black.
Well, stereotypes aside, Bella gets out of the car and the whistling man is struck by her beauty and instantly begins hitting on her. This might be a good indicator of her physical changes since she became a vampire, except for one thing - she’s been having every guy plus their uncles hit on her or desire her since book the first! Meyer, if you want something to seem important, don’t use it all of the time!
Bella informs him that she’s looking for J. Jenks and their conversations starts to remind me of one of those old detective noir films in black and white, where the beautiful but shady woman who’s husband was just killed is looking for Sam Slick, PI to help her solve the case.
The man - who we find out is named Max - starts to fuss about it potentially causing trouble if he lets someone like Bella in and that she ought to have gone to the other address, which is in a fancy skyscraper. Bella starts pushing that Jenks ought to know her sister-in-law and Max calls in to see if this is true. Bella meanwhile is getting annoyed with Alice for being so mysterious and I agree. I get that Alice wants to keep this all secret from any mind reading, but why only give Bella the address and name? Couldn’t she have also written, “This dude will do [insert function here - God that sounds dirty] for you, good luck!” Bella would be that much more informed on what to do and no one else would be the wiser. But of course, Meyer has to stretch out this book so she must milk this stupid faux mystery for all it’s worth.
Anyway, Max gets Jenks on the phone and starts describing Bella (specifically that she looks like a “freaking supermodel” and has a “Rocking body, pale as a sheet, dark brown hair almost to her waist, needs a good night's sleep”). He then mentions that her name is Cullen and Jenks promptly wigs out and tells Max to let her in. Bella enjoys watching Max try to guess what sort of business she’s in (drugs, diamond smuggling, mafia, the usual order of sleaze) and drops that she’s married, which devastates the guy. God damn it!
Bella finally goes in and is briefly held up by the secretary who is smug, unhelpful and (of course), blonde. Were you surprised? J. Jenks - or Jason Scott, as the sign on the door says - yells for the secretary to let Bella in. Finally, we get to meet the dude. How does Bella describe him?
“He was short and balding, probably around fifty-five, with a paunch. He wore a red silk tie with a blue-and-white-striped shirt, and his navy blazer hung over the back of his chair. He was also trembling, blanched to a sickly paste color, with sweat beading on his forehead; I imagined an ulcer churning away under the spare tire”
ZeldaQueen: Of course. He’s shady and suspicious and thus he’s out of shape and ugly.
Well, long story short it turns out that this guy is under some sort of business arrangements with Jasper and makes forged documents (hence the chapter title). Bella cottons on that this is what Alice sent her there for - to get fake IDs, passports, and driver’s licenses for Renesmee to run away with someone. God damn it, Bella starts being all doom and gloom again, figuring that this is yet another sign that All Is Lost. Does she ever remember that Alice’s visions aren’t set in stone? Again Meyer, if your characters are slaves to these visions, then you can hardly argue that they have free will.
Bella also decides that the fact that she was sent early to get the documents means that she and Edward will be dying in battle. So nice of her to come to that conclusion, given how much stock she sets in these visions I’d be surprised if she didn’t set herself and Edward on fire to speed their deaths along. Hmmm…
After passing on having Charlie run away with Renesmee (because he’s “defenselessly human”), Bella decides that she must leave Renesmee’s safekeeping to Jacob. *glares* Okay, hands up if you didn’t see that one coming. Bella tells Jenks that the names will be for Jacob and Vanessa Wolfe, “Vanessa” because it seemed close enough to the “Nessie” nickname (which everyone has of course been using all of this time) and Wolfe for obvious reasons. And of course Alice had conveniently given Bella the perfect picture of Jacob holding Renesmee just before she ran away, so the documents could be finished quickly. Not sure how Alice would have known Bella would have needed that picture before having the visions, but eh whatever. Oh, and Jenks quickly catches on that Jacob isn’t Renesmee’s father. Bright man there, considering that Jake’s Native American and Renesmee’s pure Mormon white.
Bella arranges for a rush delivery job and I’m sure we all missed hearing how the Cullens are richer than Croesus - besides mentioning the “bloated accounts” that the family has in various banks across the world under various names, there is “enough cash stashed all over the house to keep a small country afloat for a decade” *rubs head* I’m kind of sucky with economics, but if they have that much money squirreled away for casual use, doesn’t that kind of screw up the value of the dollar? Bella is given the price for the documents, sees that she has more than enough with her, and we hear that she had paper clipped the money she brought in “five thousand dollar increments”. Note the plural there.
*growls* Yes Meyer, we all know that you’ve made a lovely chunk of change from this series. Please stop waving it in our faces. And don’t saying “it’s wish fulfillment”. Harry Potter got a ton of money as wish fulfillment (Rowling openly admitted that she made him rich because she was dirt poor at the time) and didn’t constantly go on about how much gold he had and buy extravagant things or bribe everyone who challenged him.
The two arrange to meet the next week at a restaurant called the Pacifico on Union Lake. Union Lake? In Michigan? Aren’t they still in Washington?
Bella notes that Jenks seems very worried about something and wishes that Edward was there to mind rape him. She also gets all upset over having to keep secrets from Edward and from being away from him. These people are joined at the hip, aren’t they? I honestly give up. Which is fortunate, because this is where the chapter ends.
Onward to: Chapter 34: Declared
Back to: Chapter 32: Company
Return to: Table of Contents