Breaking Dawn: Chapter 34 - Declared
ZeldaQueen: How many chapters after this one?
Projection Room Voices: Five.
ZeldaQueen: And you're quite sure this time?
Projection Room Voices: Quite. "Chapter thirty-four, in which we are clubbed over the head with over-the-top unification for a battle which will certainly be approaching and Bella and Co attend a Christmas party".
ZeldaQueen: Right. Time's a-wasting!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 34: Declared
ZeldaQueen: I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there!
Hey, have any of you forgotten how Wonderfully Talented Edward is? Hmm? Well we're all reminded right off the bat, as Bella comes home to find Edward greeting her with her lullaby tune. Good grief man, do you have to turn your wife coming back from a shopping trip into an over-the-top reunion? I'm getting vibes of Inman and Ada having their three "I marry you"s. Oh, and we find out that Jacob has apparently decided to stop screwing his responsibilities and actually see his dad for a change. How nice of him.
At the sight of her home, Bella once more starts angsting and wants to cry because of course the Volturi are going to kill them all, they are doomed and woe is them. Edward is of course horny as heck and I'm starting to wonder if this is Meyer's way of saying that if a gay person meets just the right girl he'll go straight. Bella explains to Edward that she picked up Renesmee "only a little thing" as a gift. Right, and Edward only gave Bella a trinket for her birthday charm bracelet in Eclipse. Anyone wondering what this trifle of a gift is?
"Carefully, I fished the little velvet jewelry bag from my clutch without opening the purse enough for Edward to see the cash I was still carrying.
'It caught my eye from the window of an antique store while I was driving by.'
I shook the little golden locket into his palm. It was round with a slender vine border carved around the outside edge of the circle. Edward popped the tiny catch and looked inside. There was space for a small picture and, on the opposite side, an inscription in French.
'Do you know what this says?' he asked in a different tone, more subdued than before.
'The shopkeeper told me it said something along the lines of 'more than my own life.' Is that right?'
'Yes, he had it right.'”
ZeldaQueen: An antique locket. They're giving their infant daughter an antique locket for Christmas. And they're calling it a "little thing". Because of course Renesmee is so mature and grown-up that she can appreciate something like that and care for it accordingly and won't promptly lose or break it (seriously folks, how old were you when your parents gave you jewelry that was the least bit expensive? I was in third grade and it was a simple pearl necklace). And of course Meyer's once more smacking us across the face with how rich the Cullens are, with Bella just casually picking up a locket which is undoubtedly old and expensive. That's not to go into it being yet another fanfiction "let's use lots of over the top and expensive gifts!" bit. das_mervin has already done that for this series. Several goddamned times.
And I know it's kind of minor, but why on Earth would Edward care if he saw that Bella had a lot of extra money in her person? These people throw thousand dollar bills around like confetti and she did say she was just out shopping. Yes, I know, it's supposed to be that Bella is going on her lame attempts to remind us that she has a Huge Secret that she must make a great effort to hide from her husband, even if said efforts make no sense. Meyer, you still fail at suspense.
Edward suggests that they go back to the cottage and Bella insists that she'd rather practice learning to fight with Emmett for awhile, since she spent all of the day out and doesn't want to waste time. Emmett (who is watching TV with Rosalie) is quite happy to oblige and responds "Excellent. The forest needs thinning". Emmett, you are wonderful and I love you. Please escape from this fandom to one that is more deserving! Leah, Kate, and Garrett can join you! Edward gets all pissy at this and glares "at Emmett and then at [Bella]", insisting that there's plenty of time for practice in the morning. Bella reasonably points out that the Volturi are on their way and that every bit of time counts. Edward proceeds to cut her off and "his expression was such that not even Emmett argued". Excuse me? WHY? We are never given any reason for this. Is Edward just so possessive and clingy that he won't let Bella out of his sight after she's been gone all day? Is he so determined to keep her weak and defenseless that he keeps objecting to her training? Because that's what it's coming off as. Almost every single time we've heard about Bella's training with Edward involved, it includes him getting all upset with the idea and trying to dissuade Bella from doing it. I'm sure Meyer is trying to make us think "How sweet, he just can't stand the thought of his wife in a dangerous situation!" but it's not. We're supposed to be convinced that the Volturi are on their way and everyone is going to die and a fight will be inevitable. So if I'm to believe all of that, then Edward's obsessive smothering of Bella just comes across as jerkishness and idiocy. She's actually got a point that if battle looks at all likely, she ought to learn to freaking well fight so that she can take care of herself and free up Edward. Him trying to direct her gaze the other way and saying "Oh, we're surely not going to be fighting, no sense in planning for it!" when Meyer keeps insisting that there is just comes across as him either being like an overprotective dad or a complete moron (or both). In fact, I'm wondering if Edward's got some sort of a complex where he gets off on saving Bella. Might explain why they're dating really...
Well, that's over and I don't want to bore you all with anymore ranting, so onward we go! Bella decides to be positive for once (oh, there's a thought!) Bella decides that Alice's vision must have included Renesmee and Jacob escaping in the first place, which would thus imply that the group would be able to hold their own in battle at least long enough for said escape. I'm going to skip the rant on hinging this all on Alice's visions because it's been said before and because at least Bella's not crying over how they're all doomed, woe is them anymore.
Oh for the love of - now Bella's on her Happy Suicide Routine! She figures that her daughter and Jacob will escape and she and Edward will die with the rest of the Cullens and that's good enough for her since she doesn't want live without him. *headdesk* BELLA, DID ANY OF THE EVENTS OF NEW MOON STICK WITH YOU, OR DID THEY JUST GO THROUGH YOUR HEAD LIKE A SIEVE? Oh, and she figures that she believes that there's some sort of afterlife because even though she herself can't picture it, "I couldn't imagine Edward not existing somehow, somewhere. If we could be together in any place, then that was a happy ending". She...I...*eye twitches* So basically her belief on the afterlife lies solely in the fact that she can't deal with the fact that her husband might go someplace where she can't be with him? So nice to know that Bella's got a wide range of thoughts and values for such a lofty and complex concept which people have spent their entire lives debating on! And yes Meyer, we know that you're a fool who completely missed the point of Romeo and Juliet. It wasn't charming or sweet in New Moon, so don't use it here. These things don't get better with age.
And we then skip ahead to Christmas, which is celebrated at Charlie's house. Bella, Edward, Renesmee, and Jacob are there with all of Jacob's pack, plus Sam, Emily, and Sue. I guess that means that Leah is forced to watch Emily and Sam make goo-goo eyes at each other, but we're not told anything about it so for my own peace of mind, I'll just pretend that Leah managed to avoid them and is still in her healthy, happier place from the second part of this book. We're also told how the werewolves were all buzzed for the fight while Edward puts on a brave face and Bella is basically dour and depressed.
Oh, and interested in what else Renesmee for Christmas?
"Renesmee wore the locket I'd given her at dawn, and in her jacket pocket was the MP3 player Edward had given her-a tiny thing that held five thousand songs, already filled with Edward's favorites. On her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring. Edward had gritted his teeth over that one, but it didn't bother me.
Soon, so soon, I would be giving her to Jacob for safekeeping. How could I be bothered by any symbol of the commitment I was so relying on?"
ZeldaQueen: *eye twitches* First, Edward's gift - he gave his infant daughter an MP3 player. MEYER, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT US TO SEE PARENT/CHILD BONDING WHEN YOU REFUSE TO TREAT RENESMEE LIKE A CHILD IN THIS? SERIOUSLY, COULDN'T SHE HAVE BEEN GIVEN A TEDDY BEAR? A BOOK? SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL PERHAPS? SOMETHING THAT COULD FEED HER IMAGINATION AND PROVIDE COMFORT? OH BUT I FORGOT, THE DEMON DEATH BABY IS ALREADY ADULT IN MIND AND THUS HAS NO PATIENCE FOR SUCH THINGS! SILLY ME! IN THAT CASE, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SEE HER AS A CHILD? SHE ISN'T TREATED LIKE ONE AT ALL!
Sorry about that bit of ranting there but for some reason that just...it really gets to me. Maybe it grates my nerves because it reminds me of Rose Potter, where these sorts of things feel like empty shells or mockeries of what heartfelt moments and gifts are. And another thing, dear viewers - Edward already filled the MP3 player with his favorites. Five thousand of them. No mention of any that Bella picked. No mention of any room left for Renesmee to pick any. And no, no one is allowed to say that she is a child and thus unable to download songs to an MP3 player. If she's considered old enough to be given one, she is old enough to choose what songs go on it.
And now...Jacob's gift.
ZeldaQueen: No one, NO ONE, has any right whatsoever to claim that Jacob doesn't think of Renesmee "in that way". I don't care what you say, I don't care what you show me, that right there is proof. He basically has given her an engagement ring. When she is an infant who is not even biologically a year old yet. And no, don't tell me "it could be referring to something else!"
Main Entry: promise ringPart of Speech: nDefinition: a ring given prior to an engagement ring; also, another term for engagement ring
ZeldaQueen: As told by Dictionary.com. And Bella? Yes you can be bothered by that particular symbol. Because it's not like he gave her a friendship bracelet or some minor token of affection. He gave her what is essentially an engagement ring. Which means that he has intentions for what will eventually be sexual. Which means that he is essentially child grooming your daughter. THAT IS NOT GOOD BELLA! Seriously, doesn't this disturb her in the least? And we all know Meyer things this is sweet. Just like a adventure romance novel! The damsel in distress will be swept to safety by her designated beloved! Never mind that he's sixteen or so and she's not even one!
On a somewhat lighter note, Edward thinks enough to give Charlie a sonar fishing rod as a gift. Apparently he ordered it the day before and used priority overnight shipping. Erm, is it possible to get something like that, right on Christmas Eve? I guess in Meyerland, all things are possible.
Bella reflects on how she hasn't spoken to her mother since the wedding and decides that it's a good thing that she started to cut her out of her life two years ago. First of all - Bella admit it you never were "best friends" with your mother. Even before you became Edward's puppy, you couldn't even be bothered to e-mail her and tell her you got to Forks alright. You always called her "scatterbrained". You obviously didn't care about her at all. Second of all - there you have it folks. Bella just admitted that her relationship with Edward separated her from her family. From the member that she claims to have been closest with. And Bella then goes on to say that Renee too fragile for the vampire world. AUGH!
As Bella, Edward, Renesmee, and Jacob leave the party, she thinks about what she'd tell Jacob to pass on to Charlie if she didn't want Edward to mindread it. Mostly it's about how she wants her dad to know she loved him and he was the best dad ever and to pass on to Renee how she (Bella) loves her and wishes her much happiness, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm only feeling emotional now because I'm listening Drink With Me from the tenth anniversary concert of Les Miserables.
Projection Room Voices: Hey, internet access is for fact checking only!
ZeldaQueen: It's three in the morning! Cut me some slack! Anyway, Bella if you want your readers to believe that you really thought so well of Charlie and loved him so much show us it before the Grand Finale! This seriously reminds me of what Meyer did in the first book, when Bella is off to be killed by James and she suddenly and out of nowhere mentions how she wishes she were in Forks and how it's her home. Bella decides to write this all down on a note for Jacob to pass on later, along with a note for Renesmee to know how much Mommy loved her. The sappiness, it burns us!
Everyone makes it back to the Cullen household to find that Alistar has left. What?!? Son of a - MEYER, THERE ARE MORE OR LESS SIX CHARACTERS IN THIS BOOK THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE AND YOU ALREADY PUT ONE OF THEM ON A BUS. NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU JUST GOT RID OF ANOTHER? GOD!!!
And not only that, but Amun, Carlisle, and Benjamin are all bickering while Kebi, Esme, and Tia hover to the side because of course they're meek and quiet and don't actually chip in. Okay, to be fair none of the other vampires do, but Meyer specifically mentions that those three are right there with their husbands like they're also involved.
It turns out that Amun is being a jerk and is accusing Carlisle of trying to steal half of his coven. Considering that there's all of four people in it...yeah. Benjamin is actually kind of cool and makes a rather snarky response to this, that "Yes, Carlisle picked a fight with the Volturi, endangered his whole family, just to lure me here to my death". Amun blusters at this and insists that they should all be running and that Alistar was the only sane one. Tia mutters "Think of who you're calling sane". Wait a second - a paranoid old goat who seems almost justified at times for his insane precautions, is infamous amongst his friends for said paranoia, and is named "Alistar".
...Meyer, please tell me you didn't try to rip off Mad-Eye Moody. Wasn't Dumbledore bad enough?
Amun starts threatening to join the Volturi so that he won't die in the fight which is of course going to happen and Carlisle is all patient and insists that if he wants to leave, no one will force him to stay. Amun agrees to stay and act as witness that he saw Renesmee grow and gets all angry with Benjamin for not wanting to run off. Benjamin makes a rather cold remark about Amun wanting to control his will and Amun goes storming off with Kebi at tow (because of course the wife must always follow her husband).
As the crowd breaks up, Eleazar mentions that there was a reason Alistar left - he felt that the Volturi were so determined for a fight, that if they couldn't use Renesmee as an excuse, then they'd find another one. The rest of the vampires hear this and panic at the thought of how the Volturi could be so cruel as to try something like that. How indeed. *rubs head* I've already gone on about Meyer's ridiculous flip-flopping of how we're supposed to be viewing the Volturi, so I'll spare you any more rants on that. Meanwhile, the Romanian vampires are quite pleased at the thought of the Volturi picking a fight, since it will prove to the vampire world how they (the Volturi) are the scumbags that they supposedly were in secret (despite seeming to be quite open about it). Mostly the Romanians hate the Volturi's apparently secret cruelty because when they ran their own empires, they claimed to at least have been honest about how viscous they were. Or as Stefan says it, "We never put on white hats and called ourselves saints".
White hats? Saints. Hmm...
ZeldaQueen: *coughs discretely*
I'm just saying...
Anyway, from this conversation we basically get that this inevitable and definitely happening battle will pretty much make or break the Volturi, If they win, they walk off with an obscene amount of power. Bella (of course), Edward and Benjamin specifically, along with Kate and Zafrina (who would be good replacements for Jane and Alec). Erm, once more I ask, if the Cullens and their allies have powers that would be strong enough to replace members of the Volturi, why are they all so certain that they'll be dying?
The Romanian vampires conclude that even if they're only just able to expose the Voturi, they'll be happy so they'll be sticking to the cause and fighting. Tia proceeds to stand up pretty much and say that she and Benjamin are disgusted with the Volturi and will stand and fight as well. Garrett and Tanya chip in. Everyone starts calling out if they're undecided (Peter, Charlotte, Mary, and Randall) or still with this. Jacob calls in that the pack will fight to the end and Maggie chimes in that she'll fight for the truth (Carlisle's side of course). Siobhan and Carlisle have a grave talk on how they want there to be no fight, but still fear there'll be one and Jacob and Edward are weirdly united as Edward comments that "[The vampires will] be shocked when the [wolves] save their superior lives, won't they?" Well, this certainly is stirring and I certainly can't wait for this Huge Final Battle! I mean, we're definitely and beyond all certainty having one, aren't we? It's not as if Meyer would give us such a huge set-up and completely jerk the rug out from under our feet and leave us with only boring dialogue, isn't it?
Oh how nice, we get a time jump! Everyone is now out hunting and in the middle of noming on an elk, Bella has a panic attack. She realizes that Renesmee can get through her mental shield and wonders if that means that her power is somehow faulty. Of course it's not, she's a Sue she's Meyer's wish-fulfillment avatar Edward has a perfectly logical explanation for it - Renesmee's power is the opposite of theirs'. Nothing can keep her out of their heads. Sorry, did I say that was perfectly logical? Well, logical enough for Meyer I suppose. Given all of that, it seems highly unlikely that Aro could somehow block her out and keep her from showing her the truth. But of course they wonder if the truth would be enough to stop him. And then Meyer gives us a "Duh duh DUUUUUHHH!!!!"
Well no, not really, but you could tell she was thinking it.
Onward to: Chapter 35: Deadline
Back to: Chapter 33: Forgery
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