Breaking Dawn: Chapter 25 - Favor
ZeldaQueen: Might as well get started on another chapter, just seven more chapters after this one.
Projection Room Voices: That's the spirit! "Chapter twenty-five, in which Charlie is let in on a secret".
ZeldaQueen: That's it?
Projection Room Voices: We don't want to spoil anything.
ZeldaQueen: Fantastic.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
> Chapter 25: Favor
ZeldaQueen: Favor, huh? Alrighty, I'll do you all a favor and spork you out of your misery.
Well, it's dawn and Bella finally remembers that she does in fact have a daughter who is growing at an alarming rate and could be shriveled and near death by this time. Given how Bella apparently defined "shriveled and near death" as "older than seventeen" in New Moon, this looks pretty likely. Edward assures Bella that they can get to the house in two seconds and tells her to get dressed first. She jumps up then finds herself torn between wanting to fool around with Edward some more and seeing her daughter. God dammit Bella! You think your daughter is in danger and you can't get your mind off of screwing your husband? Edward smiles and Bella mentions that "he was a strong man" *shreds paper in anger*. He assures her that she'll learn to balance her outrageous hornyness and then mentions that he can only stand to see her get dressed because he knows that they literally have all night to have at it again. Way to take the higher ground there, Edward.
They go to the closet, which indeed is somehow larger than the bedroom and perhaps even the cottage. I'm...not sure how that would work, really. How can a closet be built to be bigger than the room it's inside? Wouldn't that be noticable from the outside? Oh well, who cares? Apparently Alice has stocked Bella's wardrobe with pink silk gowns and the like and Edward teaches Bella how to sniff out plain cotton and denim clothes. I kind of have to back Bella up on this decision because seriously, who on earth wears satin and silk dresses around in the early morning for everyday wear?
They make it back to the house, where Renesmee is twisting silver spoons in the living room and everyone is staring at her like she's the most fascinating thing ever. I don't mean Esme and Rosalie and Carlisle are acting all parent-like and everyone makes a few "Oh how cute" comments, I mean they are staring at her "as if she were the most engrossing
film" This includes Emmett, for crying out loud! Does Emmett seem like the kind of person to hover over a baby like that? Apparently he is. Anyway, Renesmee sees her mommy and tosses the mangled spoon she's holding so hard that it leaves a divot on the floor and points "imperiously" at Bella. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I know she's supposed to be a baby, but she is also supposed to have adult awareness and be beyond her age mentally. So she really is just coming across here as a little brat. It doesn't help that everyone's just smiling and laughing and complimenting her instead of trying to maybe teach her not to break stuff for amusement.
Rosalie explains that Renesmee has been demanding Bella's attention since she (the baby) woke up - man alive she is taking after her mom! - and Emmett asks why Edward and Bella's cottage is still standing and "What were you doing last night? Discussing the national debt?" Once again, Bella appears to have taken lessons on throwing tantrums from Rose Potter, because she grits her teeth and makes a monumental effort not to hurt Emmett. Lady, you're the one who can't look at Edward for more than two seconds before passionately having hot tiger sex on the floor. Suck it up, you don't get an ounce of sympathy from me.
Bella asks where Jacob and his pack are and Rosalie angrily says that they left earlier. Apparently something made Jacob wig out and he left for no real reason. And yes, I'm still backing Rosalie on being angry at Jacob, because I still hate post-imprinting Jake. And this letter from the future I was just delivered is warning me that this won't be let up any time soon. Anywho, Rosalie comments on how the family will be moving out soon anyway and Emmett suggests that they all head straight for New Hampshire to get set up for Dartsmouth (woot, go New England!), taking the opportunity to make another crack at Bella's sex life and how she apparently has nothing better to do than studying at night. Bella once more makes an effort not to launch into a hissy fit - Madam, how come when Edward talked about your nightly activities you were perfectly happy and ready to jump his bones for Round 2? - and is actually proud of herself for not attacking. Oy.
Suddenly and seemingly for no reason, Edward jumps up and growls. Alice also jumps up and starts to pitch a fit about how Jacob seems to have done something that blocks out the rest of the day. Huh, I thought she was being all buddy-buddy with him before. I guess she's only happy to have him around when it's convenient and useful for her. She immediately launches from that into yelling at Bella over what she picked to wear for the day. Gee, it sure is nice that Alice saves her temper for important matters, huh? *headdesk* I've said it before, and I'll say it again - Alice, it is none of your business if Bella wants to wear a potato sack. Good day!
But I quickly get over my irritation with Alice, because Jacob just pulled a maneuver that manages to not only make me furious with him, but also sympathize and agree with Edward and Bella. Give the kid a hand!
You see, it turns out that Edward has mentally picked up that Jacob has talked to Charlie and is leading him to the Cullen household. This is why Edward freaked out. Alice swears and runs out the back door. Bella immediately panics and for once she actually has good reason, considering all the freaky stuff she's got to explain and the fact that she's just been turned into a vampire and all.
Oh, and it just gets better. Jacob, Seth, and Leah all come running into the house in their human forms. Jacob is in a chipper mood and I want to punch him in the face. He is all smiles as he greets Bella and tells her that he assumes that Alice has some sort of sunglasses to hide Bella's freaky-red vampire eyes.
Bella asks for Rosalie to hand her Renesmee. Great decision-making there Bella, just go ahead and hold the baby while getting into a worked-up frenzy. That'll turn out fine. Well, her reasoning is actually that she can't kill Jacob if she has her daughter in her arms, so yeah.
Now we get on to Jacob's explanation and I'll just wait to explode until this is all out. It seems that he heard that morning from Rosalie and Emmett about how the Cullens planned on moving. He just couldn't let that happen, so he decided that Charlie was the biggest reason for this and thus he decided to let Charlie figure out what's going on.
I'm holding it in a little longer.
Bella furiously asks Jacob if he has any idea what danger he's put Charlie in. Jacob insists that all is well since the only danger is Bella's thirst for blood and she's got weird self-control. Edward angrily points out that they only have theorized about the control and asks Jacob if he's considered how much strain Bella will be under to not eat her father and how horrified she'd be if she did. Jacob apparently has never considered this possibility and Edward growls that Jake should have asked first. Jacob replies that the Cullens would have stopped him and I'm going to halt right here to let off some steam.
GOD DAMN IT TO HELL, I HATE, HATE, HATE POST-IMPRINTING JAKE!!!!!!!!! HATE, DIE, FIRE, BURN BURN BUUUUURRRNNNNN!!!!!!
Right. It would be quite clear now that Renesmee is an alien who is eating Jacob's brain, if it weren't for the fact that he appeared to have no brain in Eclipse and most of this book as well. Because what he did here? Completely stupid and selfish. Because he doesn't know what's up with Bella. Edward's right (what a surprise), he has no idea how much control she has. And I know that Bella has shown zip evidence for it, but this universe apparently insists that she really loves and care for her dad, and at least he's the only one from her human life who she seems at all concerned with keeping ties to. So far as Jacob knows, Bella has had one run-in with a human. And now he's dragging her father over? Even if we refuse to believe that Bella cares enough if Charlie lives or dies, how is that fair to Charlie? You're putting him in mortal danger you frigging idiot!!!!
And not only that, but it's extremely selfish and out of line. Bella's problem with Charlie is her business! Hers and - to an extent - the Cullen family's. They are the ones who have the information, they are the ones who have the right to decide if and how and when Charlie is reintroduced to Bella. It could very well have gone that they would decide that Bella is far too dangerous and have her fake her funeral after all. The point is, there was no reason for Jacob to interfere like that. And we all know why he did. Because he just couldn't help pining after that stupid brat of Bella's. A brat who, as I said before, he has no right to either. He is not related to Bella or Edward or Renesmee. He insisted in a previous chapter that he doesn't see her as wife material (bull, I say). So what is his connection to the baby? None! Nothing! He's not even her godfather or anything! So where does he get off at interfering like that? It's Bella and Edward's baby and if they want to move to Venus with it and leave Jacob behind, it's their right and choice!
Finally, Jacob's logic still sucks! Okay, so Charlie will be let in on his daughter's secret. What about the rest of Forks? What about Mike and Angela and Jessica and Tyler and Eric and Lauren and all of their families who undoubtedly know about Bella and Edward's marriage and her "illness"? They'd all recognize her on the streets or in the area. So they'd notice her being deathly pale with red eyes and a weirdly old baby and not growing any older! Sooner or later, the Cullens would have to move to integrate Bella into their family! So I honestly don't get how Charlie is "the main problem" there. One last thing - why the FUCK doesn't Jacob JUST LEAVE WITH THEM? If he's so god damned attached to that demon baby, why not travel to New Hampshire with them? It's not like he particularly cares if he skips out on his dad and sister, hey after all relationships matter so much more than families, right? RIGHT?
ZeldaQueen: I'm not going crazy, am I? *rubs forehead* Bella insists that the problem isn't about how much pain she'll be in, but rather how telling Charlie about the vampires will put him in terrible danger from the Volturi, which condemns him to either being turned into a vampire himself or being killed. As much as I'm getting behind Bella and Edward here, um, Bella? How does that make sense? The Volturi would only know if he found out if they see the guy interacting with you, and it's not like they come to Forks that often. In fact, once they find out that you were turned, they'll probably forget all about you. I guess if Aro gets someone's memories he'd find out, but then he can't read Bella's mind. Gah!
Jacob apparently was very freaked out by Edward's accusations but isn't the least bit troubled by Bella's. Oh my head... I don't know which is worse - the whole "Oh, the man is of course more authoritative and holds more weight than the woman!" bit, or the fact that Jacob is more concerned about Bella's pain than Charlie's life. Jake explains that he simply turned into a wolf in front of Charlie. Bella flips out and shouts that he could have given her father a heart attack. Once again, I agree with her. Has Jake completely forgotten Harry Clearwater, the father of his two packmates? Bella gives Jacob thirty seconds to explain everything before she rips his head off (her own words). He actually has the gall to call her melodramatic.
Jacob, shut up. Bella has good reason to be freaking out for a change. And you have no right to use that word after all of the moping and whining you did in your section of this God-forsaken book.
In a nutshell, after transforming, Jake explains vaguely to Charlie how there's more things in the world than he (Charlie) knew about and how the good news is that it's pretty easy to ignore most of it. Oh, and that Bella now "looked a lot more like Esme now than you looked like Renée". Once again, I'm reminded of the "woman is taken from her family and assimilated into her husband's family" thing. Charlie also learns that Bella has known about the werewolves and vampires for years and lets off some steam about it. Which Jacob mentions in a condescending fashion. Dude, just shut up. Please. Before I kill you. In the end, it turns out that Charlie has only two requests - to see Bella and to not be told more information about what's going on than is absolutely necessary. How very convenient.
Oh, and it seems that Jacob explained to Charlie that Renesmee was a kid that Edward and Bella adopted. And Charlie believed that? *rubs head* Don't adoptions take a really long time and all kinds of proof need to be provided that you'd be good parents before you actually are granted custody? And doesn't Charlie think Bella would tell him before suddenly taking in a child? (Eh, we know better but he doesn't) And does he think that she just took in a kid seconds after she got over a "rare South African disease"? Whatever! It seems that Jake has handwaved Renesmee's super-fast growth by saying that she's "more special than all of us put together" SHE'S A SUE, YOU IDIOT!!! And then Jacob walks over to Bella and gives us this
"I am sorry about it hurting you. I didn't know it was like that. Bella, things are different with us now, but you'll always be my best friend, and I'll always love you. But I'll love you the right way now. There's finally a balance. We both have people we can't live without"
ZeldaQueen: Right. First of all - *scream of fury*. That felt good. Second of all, Jacob? Shut up, really and honestly just shut up. Edward and Bella are right for a change, you were wrong and stupid to do what you did and you can't just go "ha ha, I'm sorry I hurt you, forgive and forget, right?" And that's not counting if you're including the forced kiss and unhealthy obsessions (oh no, we can blame the Sue spawn for those). Third of all, what is that? People, am I nuts? Is Meyer honestly implying in that quote that a person can't interact in a platonic manner with a member of the opposite sex unless they are in a Perfect Relationship of their own? Because that's what it looks like she's doing. From what I see, Jacob is saying "Oh yeah, sorry I caused all that trouble in the past, now that I've gone and found a lady of my own though I can see you as a friend and not my one true love. We cool?" I mean, what the heck? Are single people incapable of acting rationally with married/dating people? Does everyone have to be paired up before they can put "romance" to the backs of their heads in relationships?
Also, love Bella "the right way"? For the past two books, you were pretty danged convinced that the "right way" was her as your One True Love. And only now you're spouting this "we're like brother and sister" stuff? Do you forcibly kiss your sisters, Jacob?
I...I've got to move on. Of course Bella starts to forgive him but refuses to let him hold Renesmee when he asks to. Once again, after how Jake's acted, I wouldn't let him within a ten-mile radius of my daughter. And then she hands him the baby anyway because Alice comes running in and demands that all possible disruptions for her foresight need to scoot from the room. Jacob is described as grinning in triumph and I want to toss something heavy at him.
Seth and Jacob take Renesmee to sit in the corner, out of Alice's way, but Leah requests permission to leave. I actually do believe this is the last time we hear her say anything. Bella also takes care to note how Leah is wearing dirty old clothes and that her hair is sticking up, as well as reminding the audience how Leah "shrieked" at Bella the other day. *grits teeth* Now I'm back to hating Bella again. Ah well, it was only a matter of time.
Alice provides Bella with some brown contacts which she (Bella) somehow gets in perfectly the first time around. Apparently they'll hide the red eyes for several hours, before the eye venom dissolves them (look, don't ask me to explain the biology of Meyer's vampires, I honestly don't understand it myself) so Bella must excuse herself to get replacements if Charlie is over for too long. Bella is then given tips on how to act human by the rest of the Cullens, who apparently have forgotten that she is the one who was most recently human among them.
Bella sits on the sofa and holds Renesmee to calm her down. So basically she's using her daughter as a security blanket? Alice is fussy over this because it blocks her sight, but finally agrees. They explain to the kid not to bite Charlie or show him any visions or freak him out at all. Of course she understands it all perfectly. Edward kisses her and she nearly goes down on him again, only just remembering that she's holding their baby. She breaks off, anticipating getting it on tonight, good lord above this is unhealthy!
Charlie finally gets there and is understandably suspicious and freaked out and angry that he's been lied to about his daughter, especially towards Edward. Bella assures him that she's alright and we get to hear her think about how he smells even tastier than the hikers, but of course she can resist. Y'know, I realize that Meyer has been skipping the usual vampire bite = sex thing, but with this...yeah.
Bella confirms that Jacob was telling the truth and Charlie replies "That makes one of you". Sing it, Charlie. After all of her lying in this series, it's nice to hear her finally get called out. Renesmee manages to catch her grandfather's attention and Edward pretends that she is his niece. Charlie gets suspicious again, and once more has good reason since Edward had spent the previous three books insisting that he was an orphan. Edward performs a song and dance worthy of Richard Geer and explains that his parents were dead, but he still had a brother who was adopted by another family, and said brother and his wife (Edward's pretend sister-in-law) died in a car crash and left their daughter behind with no other family. Very convincing there. Charlie of course starts in on how pretty the baby is and asks if Carlisle and Esme would be better suited to adopt her, since Bella and Edward are still pretty young and just married. Well it's nice to see someone being sensible here. Bella yelps that she wants Renesmee and points out that she's making Carlisle a grandfather same as Charlie. Meyer sees fit here to note that Carlisle looks like "Zeus's younger, better-looking brother". You know Meyer, time was you'd get struck by lightning for comments like that.
Suddenly Charlie gets his first good look at Renesmee's eyes and sees that of course they look exactly like Bella's and thus this must mean that she is somehow his daughter's mutant spawn! Nevermind the fact that someone would probably brush it off as coincidence. Jacob reminds Charlie of the "need to know" rule. Charlie insists that he still doesn't want to be lied to and Edward gives some smooth talk on how they're giving him the story that they'll be using in public, which is the story that counts.
Charlie is confused about all of this, but ultimately gives up and goes back to his "need to know" guideline. He is saved from figuring things out when he sees Emmett watching the Gators play on TV (all I can think of is that running gag from Big Trouble. Am I a movie geek or what?). He asks how the game's going and Emmett replies that the team just got their first touchdown and it's “[ab]out time somebody scored around here”. Bella gets all furious that Emmett is making innuendos around her father like that, but dude you're married. And have a kid. Don't you think your dad already figures that you're sleeping together? Plus, that's a pretty tame line. Sure enough, Charlie ignores it and goes on to watch the game.
ZeldaQueen: Well, seven chapters to go and still no plot in sight.
Projection Room Voices: Have faith something will show up.
ZeldaQueen: I kind of hope so, but then I remember what passes for "plot" in Twilight...
Onward to: Chapter 26: Shiny
Back to: Chapter 24: Surprise
Return to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: That's the spirit! "Chapter twenty-five, in which Charlie is let in on a secret".
ZeldaQueen: That's it?
Projection Room Voices: We don't want to spoil anything.
ZeldaQueen: Fantastic.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
> Chapter 25: Favor
ZeldaQueen: Favor, huh? Alrighty, I'll do you all a favor and spork you out of your misery.
Well, it's dawn and Bella finally remembers that she does in fact have a daughter who is growing at an alarming rate and could be shriveled and near death by this time. Given how Bella apparently defined "shriveled and near death" as "older than seventeen" in New Moon, this looks pretty likely. Edward assures Bella that they can get to the house in two seconds and tells her to get dressed first. She jumps up then finds herself torn between wanting to fool around with Edward some more and seeing her daughter. God dammit Bella! You think your daughter is in danger and you can't get your mind off of screwing your husband? Edward smiles and Bella mentions that "he was a strong man" *shreds paper in anger*. He assures her that she'll learn to balance her outrageous hornyness and then mentions that he can only stand to see her get dressed because he knows that they literally have all night to have at it again. Way to take the higher ground there, Edward.
They go to the closet, which indeed is somehow larger than the bedroom and perhaps even the cottage. I'm...not sure how that would work, really. How can a closet be built to be bigger than the room it's inside? Wouldn't that be noticable from the outside? Oh well, who cares? Apparently Alice has stocked Bella's wardrobe with pink silk gowns and the like and Edward teaches Bella how to sniff out plain cotton and denim clothes. I kind of have to back Bella up on this decision because seriously, who on earth wears satin and silk dresses around in the early morning for everyday wear?
They make it back to the house, where Renesmee is twisting silver spoons in the living room and everyone is staring at her like she's the most fascinating thing ever. I don't mean Esme and Rosalie and Carlisle are acting all parent-like and everyone makes a few "Oh how cute" comments, I mean they are staring at her "as if she were the most engrossing
film" This includes Emmett, for crying out loud! Does Emmett seem like the kind of person to hover over a baby like that? Apparently he is. Anyway, Renesmee sees her mommy and tosses the mangled spoon she's holding so hard that it leaves a divot on the floor and points "imperiously" at Bella. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I know she's supposed to be a baby, but she is also supposed to have adult awareness and be beyond her age mentally. So she really is just coming across here as a little brat. It doesn't help that everyone's just smiling and laughing and complimenting her instead of trying to maybe teach her not to break stuff for amusement.
Rosalie explains that Renesmee has been demanding Bella's attention since she (the baby) woke up - man alive she is taking after her mom! - and Emmett asks why Edward and Bella's cottage is still standing and "What were you doing last night? Discussing the national debt?" Once again, Bella appears to have taken lessons on throwing tantrums from Rose Potter, because she grits her teeth and makes a monumental effort not to hurt Emmett. Lady, you're the one who can't look at Edward for more than two seconds before passionately having hot tiger sex on the floor. Suck it up, you don't get an ounce of sympathy from me.
Bella asks where Jacob and his pack are and Rosalie angrily says that they left earlier. Apparently something made Jacob wig out and he left for no real reason. And yes, I'm still backing Rosalie on being angry at Jacob, because I still hate post-imprinting Jake. And this letter from the future I was just delivered is warning me that this won't be let up any time soon. Anywho, Rosalie comments on how the family will be moving out soon anyway and Emmett suggests that they all head straight for New Hampshire to get set up for Dartsmouth (woot, go New England!), taking the opportunity to make another crack at Bella's sex life and how she apparently has nothing better to do than studying at night. Bella once more makes an effort not to launch into a hissy fit - Madam, how come when Edward talked about your nightly activities you were perfectly happy and ready to jump his bones for Round 2? - and is actually proud of herself for not attacking. Oy.
Suddenly and seemingly for no reason, Edward jumps up and growls. Alice also jumps up and starts to pitch a fit about how Jacob seems to have done something that blocks out the rest of the day. Huh, I thought she was being all buddy-buddy with him before. I guess she's only happy to have him around when it's convenient and useful for her. She immediately launches from that into yelling at Bella over what she picked to wear for the day. Gee, it sure is nice that Alice saves her temper for important matters, huh? *headdesk* I've said it before, and I'll say it again - Alice, it is none of your business if Bella wants to wear a potato sack. Good day!
But I quickly get over my irritation with Alice, because Jacob just pulled a maneuver that manages to not only make me furious with him, but also sympathize and agree with Edward and Bella. Give the kid a hand!
You see, it turns out that Edward has mentally picked up that Jacob has talked to Charlie and is leading him to the Cullen household. This is why Edward freaked out. Alice swears and runs out the back door. Bella immediately panics and for once she actually has good reason, considering all the freaky stuff she's got to explain and the fact that she's just been turned into a vampire and all.
Oh, and it just gets better. Jacob, Seth, and Leah all come running into the house in their human forms. Jacob is in a chipper mood and I want to punch him in the face. He is all smiles as he greets Bella and tells her that he assumes that Alice has some sort of sunglasses to hide Bella's freaky-red vampire eyes.
Bella asks for Rosalie to hand her Renesmee. Great decision-making there Bella, just go ahead and hold the baby while getting into a worked-up frenzy. That'll turn out fine. Well, her reasoning is actually that she can't kill Jacob if she has her daughter in her arms, so yeah.
Now we get on to Jacob's explanation and I'll just wait to explode until this is all out. It seems that he heard that morning from Rosalie and Emmett about how the Cullens planned on moving. He just couldn't let that happen, so he decided that Charlie was the biggest reason for this and thus he decided to let Charlie figure out what's going on.
I'm holding it in a little longer.
Bella furiously asks Jacob if he has any idea what danger he's put Charlie in. Jacob insists that all is well since the only danger is Bella's thirst for blood and she's got weird self-control. Edward angrily points out that they only have theorized about the control and asks Jacob if he's considered how much strain Bella will be under to not eat her father and how horrified she'd be if she did. Jacob apparently has never considered this possibility and Edward growls that Jake should have asked first. Jacob replies that the Cullens would have stopped him and I'm going to halt right here to let off some steam.
GOD DAMN IT TO HELL, I HATE, HATE, HATE POST-IMPRINTING JAKE!!!!!!!!! HATE, DIE, FIRE, BURN BURN BUUUUURRRNNNNN!!!!!!
Right. It would be quite clear now that Renesmee is an alien who is eating Jacob's brain, if it weren't for the fact that he appeared to have no brain in Eclipse and most of this book as well. Because what he did here? Completely stupid and selfish. Because he doesn't know what's up with Bella. Edward's right (what a surprise), he has no idea how much control she has. And I know that Bella has shown zip evidence for it, but this universe apparently insists that she really loves and care for her dad, and at least he's the only one from her human life who she seems at all concerned with keeping ties to. So far as Jacob knows, Bella has had one run-in with a human. And now he's dragging her father over? Even if we refuse to believe that Bella cares enough if Charlie lives or dies, how is that fair to Charlie? You're putting him in mortal danger you frigging idiot!!!!
And not only that, but it's extremely selfish and out of line. Bella's problem with Charlie is her business! Hers and - to an extent - the Cullen family's. They are the ones who have the information, they are the ones who have the right to decide if and how and when Charlie is reintroduced to Bella. It could very well have gone that they would decide that Bella is far too dangerous and have her fake her funeral after all. The point is, there was no reason for Jacob to interfere like that. And we all know why he did. Because he just couldn't help pining after that stupid brat of Bella's. A brat who, as I said before, he has no right to either. He is not related to Bella or Edward or Renesmee. He insisted in a previous chapter that he doesn't see her as wife material (bull, I say). So what is his connection to the baby? None! Nothing! He's not even her godfather or anything! So where does he get off at interfering like that? It's Bella and Edward's baby and if they want to move to Venus with it and leave Jacob behind, it's their right and choice!
Finally, Jacob's logic still sucks! Okay, so Charlie will be let in on his daughter's secret. What about the rest of Forks? What about Mike and Angela and Jessica and Tyler and Eric and Lauren and all of their families who undoubtedly know about Bella and Edward's marriage and her "illness"? They'd all recognize her on the streets or in the area. So they'd notice her being deathly pale with red eyes and a weirdly old baby and not growing any older! Sooner or later, the Cullens would have to move to integrate Bella into their family! So I honestly don't get how Charlie is "the main problem" there. One last thing - why the FUCK doesn't Jacob JUST LEAVE WITH THEM? If he's so god damned attached to that demon baby, why not travel to New Hampshire with them? It's not like he particularly cares if he skips out on his dad and sister, hey after all relationships matter so much more than families, right? RIGHT?
ZeldaQueen: I'm not going crazy, am I? *rubs forehead* Bella insists that the problem isn't about how much pain she'll be in, but rather how telling Charlie about the vampires will put him in terrible danger from the Volturi, which condemns him to either being turned into a vampire himself or being killed. As much as I'm getting behind Bella and Edward here, um, Bella? How does that make sense? The Volturi would only know if he found out if they see the guy interacting with you, and it's not like they come to Forks that often. In fact, once they find out that you were turned, they'll probably forget all about you. I guess if Aro gets someone's memories he'd find out, but then he can't read Bella's mind. Gah!
Jacob apparently was very freaked out by Edward's accusations but isn't the least bit troubled by Bella's. Oh my head... I don't know which is worse - the whole "Oh, the man is of course more authoritative and holds more weight than the woman!" bit, or the fact that Jacob is more concerned about Bella's pain than Charlie's life. Jake explains that he simply turned into a wolf in front of Charlie. Bella flips out and shouts that he could have given her father a heart attack. Once again, I agree with her. Has Jake completely forgotten Harry Clearwater, the father of his two packmates? Bella gives Jacob thirty seconds to explain everything before she rips his head off (her own words). He actually has the gall to call her melodramatic.
Jacob, shut up. Bella has good reason to be freaking out for a change. And you have no right to use that word after all of the moping and whining you did in your section of this God-forsaken book.
In a nutshell, after transforming, Jake explains vaguely to Charlie how there's more things in the world than he (Charlie) knew about and how the good news is that it's pretty easy to ignore most of it. Oh, and that Bella now "looked a lot more like Esme now than you looked like Renée". Once again, I'm reminded of the "woman is taken from her family and assimilated into her husband's family" thing. Charlie also learns that Bella has known about the werewolves and vampires for years and lets off some steam about it. Which Jacob mentions in a condescending fashion. Dude, just shut up. Please. Before I kill you. In the end, it turns out that Charlie has only two requests - to see Bella and to not be told more information about what's going on than is absolutely necessary. How very convenient.
Oh, and it seems that Jacob explained to Charlie that Renesmee was a kid that Edward and Bella adopted. And Charlie believed that? *rubs head* Don't adoptions take a really long time and all kinds of proof need to be provided that you'd be good parents before you actually are granted custody? And doesn't Charlie think Bella would tell him before suddenly taking in a child? (Eh, we know better but he doesn't) And does he think that she just took in a kid seconds after she got over a "rare South African disease"? Whatever! It seems that Jake has handwaved Renesmee's super-fast growth by saying that she's "more special than all of us put together" SHE'S A SUE, YOU IDIOT!!! And then Jacob walks over to Bella and gives us this
"I am sorry about it hurting you. I didn't know it was like that. Bella, things are different with us now, but you'll always be my best friend, and I'll always love you. But I'll love you the right way now. There's finally a balance. We both have people we can't live without"
ZeldaQueen: Right. First of all - *scream of fury*. That felt good. Second of all, Jacob? Shut up, really and honestly just shut up. Edward and Bella are right for a change, you were wrong and stupid to do what you did and you can't just go "ha ha, I'm sorry I hurt you, forgive and forget, right?" And that's not counting if you're including the forced kiss and unhealthy obsessions (oh no, we can blame the Sue spawn for those). Third of all, what is that? People, am I nuts? Is Meyer honestly implying in that quote that a person can't interact in a platonic manner with a member of the opposite sex unless they are in a Perfect Relationship of their own? Because that's what it looks like she's doing. From what I see, Jacob is saying "Oh yeah, sorry I caused all that trouble in the past, now that I've gone and found a lady of my own though I can see you as a friend and not my one true love. We cool?" I mean, what the heck? Are single people incapable of acting rationally with married/dating people? Does everyone have to be paired up before they can put "romance" to the backs of their heads in relationships?
Also, love Bella "the right way"? For the past two books, you were pretty danged convinced that the "right way" was her as your One True Love. And only now you're spouting this "we're like brother and sister" stuff? Do you forcibly kiss your sisters, Jacob?
I...I've got to move on. Of course Bella starts to forgive him but refuses to let him hold Renesmee when he asks to. Once again, after how Jake's acted, I wouldn't let him within a ten-mile radius of my daughter. And then she hands him the baby anyway because Alice comes running in and demands that all possible disruptions for her foresight need to scoot from the room. Jacob is described as grinning in triumph and I want to toss something heavy at him.
Seth and Jacob take Renesmee to sit in the corner, out of Alice's way, but Leah requests permission to leave. I actually do believe this is the last time we hear her say anything. Bella also takes care to note how Leah is wearing dirty old clothes and that her hair is sticking up, as well as reminding the audience how Leah "shrieked" at Bella the other day. *grits teeth* Now I'm back to hating Bella again. Ah well, it was only a matter of time.
Alice provides Bella with some brown contacts which she (Bella) somehow gets in perfectly the first time around. Apparently they'll hide the red eyes for several hours, before the eye venom dissolves them (look, don't ask me to explain the biology of Meyer's vampires, I honestly don't understand it myself) so Bella must excuse herself to get replacements if Charlie is over for too long. Bella is then given tips on how to act human by the rest of the Cullens, who apparently have forgotten that she is the one who was most recently human among them.
Bella sits on the sofa and holds Renesmee to calm her down. So basically she's using her daughter as a security blanket? Alice is fussy over this because it blocks her sight, but finally agrees. They explain to the kid not to bite Charlie or show him any visions or freak him out at all. Of course she understands it all perfectly. Edward kisses her and she nearly goes down on him again, only just remembering that she's holding their baby. She breaks off, anticipating getting it on tonight, good lord above this is unhealthy!
Charlie finally gets there and is understandably suspicious and freaked out and angry that he's been lied to about his daughter, especially towards Edward. Bella assures him that she's alright and we get to hear her think about how he smells even tastier than the hikers, but of course she can resist. Y'know, I realize that Meyer has been skipping the usual vampire bite = sex thing, but with this...yeah.
Bella confirms that Jacob was telling the truth and Charlie replies "That makes one of you". Sing it, Charlie. After all of her lying in this series, it's nice to hear her finally get called out. Renesmee manages to catch her grandfather's attention and Edward pretends that she is his niece. Charlie gets suspicious again, and once more has good reason since Edward had spent the previous three books insisting that he was an orphan. Edward performs a song and dance worthy of Richard Geer and explains that his parents were dead, but he still had a brother who was adopted by another family, and said brother and his wife (Edward's pretend sister-in-law) died in a car crash and left their daughter behind with no other family. Very convincing there. Charlie of course starts in on how pretty the baby is and asks if Carlisle and Esme would be better suited to adopt her, since Bella and Edward are still pretty young and just married. Well it's nice to see someone being sensible here. Bella yelps that she wants Renesmee and points out that she's making Carlisle a grandfather same as Charlie. Meyer sees fit here to note that Carlisle looks like "Zeus's younger, better-looking brother". You know Meyer, time was you'd get struck by lightning for comments like that.
Suddenly Charlie gets his first good look at Renesmee's eyes and sees that of course they look exactly like Bella's and thus this must mean that she is somehow his daughter's mutant spawn! Nevermind the fact that someone would probably brush it off as coincidence. Jacob reminds Charlie of the "need to know" rule. Charlie insists that he still doesn't want to be lied to and Edward gives some smooth talk on how they're giving him the story that they'll be using in public, which is the story that counts.
Charlie is confused about all of this, but ultimately gives up and goes back to his "need to know" guideline. He is saved from figuring things out when he sees Emmett watching the Gators play on TV (all I can think of is that running gag from Big Trouble. Am I a movie geek or what?). He asks how the game's going and Emmett replies that the team just got their first touchdown and it's “[ab]out time somebody scored around here”. Bella gets all furious that Emmett is making innuendos around her father like that, but dude you're married. And have a kid. Don't you think your dad already figures that you're sleeping together? Plus, that's a pretty tame line. Sure enough, Charlie ignores it and goes on to watch the game.
ZeldaQueen: Well, seven chapters to go and still no plot in sight.
Projection Room Voices: Have faith something will show up.
ZeldaQueen: I kind of hope so, but then I remember what passes for "plot" in Twilight...
Onward to: Chapter 26: Shiny
Back to: Chapter 24: Surprise
Return to: Table of Contents