Blogspot Z: My Bloody Valentine
Blogspot Z: The Last Place to Go for News (affectionately known in media circles as ZSPN)
We went to see My Bloody Valentine (3D) to support The Ackles’ career, so I expect a thank you note for the approximately $60 he picked from our pockets.
Picked...get it? There's a miner with a.... Okay, moving on.
Not that it was bad. It was what it was, a horror movie with lots of blood and some boobies…and other girly bits I really wasn’t interested in seeing, but Ackles seems to pick roles in which one of the female leads must flash her tits and ass.
You think he’ll be dating Betsy Rue in a few months?
As you all know if you’ve ever been near a true Supernatural fan - because it is our duty to inform you of The Boys and their career choices at every opportunity - My Bloody Valentine (3D!) is a remake of an 80’s horror flick that no one saw in the first place. Ackles plays Tom, the hot-ass, yet stultifyingly dull, son of the town’s mine owner. Now, we don’t know if he was dull before the trauma of the coal mine disaster/killing spree, but the general reaction of our group was that he came across as kind of a pansy-ass wuss, and that was only three minutes into the movie.
I know, I know…he’s not supposed to be Dean, storming in and taking the audience by the balls, all the while showing every woman in the room a good time and knitting sweaters for the blind. What? You know Dean is creative and good with his hands. He’s a multi-tasker!
Tom composing love odes, but he's not sure where to go after,
"I gut your dead-whore best friend like a fish/To be with you is my only wish."
Instead, Ackles is supposed to be Tom Hanniger, the oddly soft mine owner’s son, with a penchant for layers, baseball caps, baby-talking women, gas masks and pick-axes.
Ooops! Spoiler!
That almost sounded like an ad in a fetish magazine.
On the first of many side notes, he’d obviously be the rich boy in town, so why did I not see him in a cricket sweater, sipping iced tea at some point? Are you telling me Gossip Girl leads me wrong regarding the lives of the wealthy? Damn you, CW!
On the fourth side note, if I am subjected to seeing Betsy Rue’s hair bikini, I really think it’s only fair to flash a little of Todd Farmer’s dick (dead trucker), don’t you? I’m getting really tired of Hollywood’s double standard regarding male vs. female nudity. Let’s get this straight right now. A penis does not equate to the Arc of the Covenant. Our faces will not melt off if we accidentally dare to see a male’s genitals. But somehow, a dick has become something not dared to be shown 30 feet high in 3D (ha!), whereas it is perfectly allright for some woman to run around a parking lot buck-naked for a full five minutes…except for her strappy stilettos. Seriously, Hollywood. If I could steal kroki_refur ’s Drunken!Sam Seal of Disapproval, I’d be stomping it all over you, ubiquitous strappy stilettos intact.
Okay, quasi-political rant over. Onto the gore!
Side Note #15-#21 - the basic premise makes zero sense, but I just closed my eyes and reminded myself that this was a horror movie, and not to over-think it. Not thinking is a requirement. All it needs is blood, boobs, and beautiful people to be a good slasher movie, and it’s got that covered.
The 3D effects are truly awesome. The opening sequence setting up the premise was beautifully done, and really gave me high hopes for the rest of it. They weren’t exactly met, but it was cool, nonetheless. The glasses looked like ass, but it seems there’s a variety depending on the theatres you go to. We got the ugly-ass glasses theatre. The gore actually isn’t too horrifying, which I’m not sure is a good or bad thing. The only time I really had to close my eyes was when Old Sheriff got his jaw dislocated by several yards. However, the opening slaughter in the hospital was met with loud guffaws from a large portion of the audience. Either we were sitting with a bunch of spree killers-in-training, or it didn’t impress the horror aficionados amongst the crowd.
Not a great sign.
Side note #43 - Why, if they were going for horror tropes, was the little blond moppet not Tom’s son?
Kerr's partner wonders if he recently updated his tetanus shot because Kerr is sitting awfully close to him.
Side note #64 - When did Kerr Smith turn into a wharf rat with mange? I felt like I could catch an STD just by watching him on-screen. He so should have been the killer. If there was one person I wanted to die in this movie, it had to be him.
If you haven’t guessed by this point, the lovely Ackles is the “Miner”, the one wandering around town doing affordable treppaning, dental surgery, dry cleaning, and abortions for the low-income residents of Harmony. Really, he’s performing a public service for the town when you think about it, because who needs more wharf rats spreading rabies and the Hanta virus around the community? The thing is, if I recall correctly, the shoes gave away the killer in the beginning of the movie, so I guessed it was The Ackles in the first few minutes.
They never focus on shoes, boys and girls, unless they are important later, and they focused on The Ackles’ feet and then the Miner’s, and they were wearing the same shoes. So there you go. Sartorial CSI.
Uh-oh...a Supernatural fangirl found the set.
Ackles really didn’t have a lot to work with, but he did what he could with it. They really needed to give him more to do, but I appreciated the tiny peeks into Tom's psyche that The Ackles allowed us. If you were paying attention, you scould see the moment in the beginning of the film where Tom lost it and the Miner was born. I don't think you are generally supposed to feel pity for the killer, but the boy really needed someone to give him a hug and tell him everything was going to be okay, even if his ex-girlfriend had contracted a virulent strain of malaria from sleeping with Kerr Smith. I really enjoyed his internal struggle at the end, even if it wasn't a surprise, and without a single manly emo tear in sight! There were moments when the dialogue made me cringe (and met with even more hysterical cackles from the crowd), so I just repeated my mantra - it’s a slasher movie; stop thinking!
While I hear that Ackles hates being regarded in terms of his looks, he really does have a face made for the big screen…and it doesn’t hurt any in 3D, either. There’s a moment with Tom in a racerback tank, his back to the camera, when I think I saw God. We had iced tea and discussed The Ackles’ shoulders, while wearing our cricket sweaters.
At least Ackles didn’t have scurvy, unlike his co-star Kerr Smith. Has Kerr been sailing the high seas without his citrus or something?
But I think, in the end, The Ackles made it worthwhile, because watching his face shift from pained and scared to bone chilling in the last ten seconds of the movie was almost worth the exorbitant cost of the tickets.
Out of 5 screaming Jensens….
Zanne -
scaperanya -
gilligan2755 -
pippinlove - still too busy shakin' it with Ackles' crowd at the after-party
And our guest-rater…
Matt -
We went to see My Bloody Valentine (3D) to support The Ackles’ career, so I expect a thank you note for the approximately $60 he picked from our pockets.
Picked...get it? There's a miner with a.... Okay, moving on.
Not that it was bad. It was what it was, a horror movie with lots of blood and some boobies…and other girly bits I really wasn’t interested in seeing, but Ackles seems to pick roles in which one of the female leads must flash her tits and ass.
You think he’ll be dating Betsy Rue in a few months?
As you all know if you’ve ever been near a true Supernatural fan - because it is our duty to inform you of The Boys and their career choices at every opportunity - My Bloody Valentine (3D!) is a remake of an 80’s horror flick that no one saw in the first place. Ackles plays Tom, the hot-ass, yet stultifyingly dull, son of the town’s mine owner. Now, we don’t know if he was dull before the trauma of the coal mine disaster/killing spree, but the general reaction of our group was that he came across as kind of a pansy-ass wuss, and that was only three minutes into the movie.
I know, I know…he’s not supposed to be Dean, storming in and taking the audience by the balls, all the while showing every woman in the room a good time and knitting sweaters for the blind. What? You know Dean is creative and good with his hands. He’s a multi-tasker!
Tom composing love odes, but he's not sure where to go after,
"I gut your dead-whore best friend like a fish/To be with you is my only wish."
Instead, Ackles is supposed to be Tom Hanniger, the oddly soft mine owner’s son, with a penchant for layers, baseball caps, baby-talking women, gas masks and pick-axes.
Ooops! Spoiler!
That almost sounded like an ad in a fetish magazine.
On the first of many side notes, he’d obviously be the rich boy in town, so why did I not see him in a cricket sweater, sipping iced tea at some point? Are you telling me Gossip Girl leads me wrong regarding the lives of the wealthy? Damn you, CW!
On the fourth side note, if I am subjected to seeing Betsy Rue’s hair bikini, I really think it’s only fair to flash a little of Todd Farmer’s dick (dead trucker), don’t you? I’m getting really tired of Hollywood’s double standard regarding male vs. female nudity. Let’s get this straight right now. A penis does not equate to the Arc of the Covenant. Our faces will not melt off if we accidentally dare to see a male’s genitals. But somehow, a dick has become something not dared to be shown 30 feet high in 3D (ha!), whereas it is perfectly allright for some woman to run around a parking lot buck-naked for a full five minutes…except for her strappy stilettos. Seriously, Hollywood. If I could steal kroki_refur ’s Drunken!Sam Seal of Disapproval, I’d be stomping it all over you, ubiquitous strappy stilettos intact.
Okay, quasi-political rant over. Onto the gore!
Side Note #15-#21 - the basic premise makes zero sense, but I just closed my eyes and reminded myself that this was a horror movie, and not to over-think it. Not thinking is a requirement. All it needs is blood, boobs, and beautiful people to be a good slasher movie, and it’s got that covered.
The 3D effects are truly awesome. The opening sequence setting up the premise was beautifully done, and really gave me high hopes for the rest of it. They weren’t exactly met, but it was cool, nonetheless. The glasses looked like ass, but it seems there’s a variety depending on the theatres you go to. We got the ugly-ass glasses theatre. The gore actually isn’t too horrifying, which I’m not sure is a good or bad thing. The only time I really had to close my eyes was when Old Sheriff got his jaw dislocated by several yards. However, the opening slaughter in the hospital was met with loud guffaws from a large portion of the audience. Either we were sitting with a bunch of spree killers-in-training, or it didn’t impress the horror aficionados amongst the crowd.
Not a great sign.
Side note #43 - Why, if they were going for horror tropes, was the little blond moppet not Tom’s son?
Kerr's partner wonders if he recently updated his tetanus shot because Kerr is sitting awfully close to him.
Side note #64 - When did Kerr Smith turn into a wharf rat with mange? I felt like I could catch an STD just by watching him on-screen. He so should have been the killer. If there was one person I wanted to die in this movie, it had to be him.
If you haven’t guessed by this point, the lovely Ackles is the “Miner”, the one wandering around town doing affordable treppaning, dental surgery, dry cleaning, and abortions for the low-income residents of Harmony. Really, he’s performing a public service for the town when you think about it, because who needs more wharf rats spreading rabies and the Hanta virus around the community? The thing is, if I recall correctly, the shoes gave away the killer in the beginning of the movie, so I guessed it was The Ackles in the first few minutes.
They never focus on shoes, boys and girls, unless they are important later, and they focused on The Ackles’ feet and then the Miner’s, and they were wearing the same shoes. So there you go. Sartorial CSI.
Uh-oh...a Supernatural fangirl found the set.
Ackles really didn’t have a lot to work with, but he did what he could with it. They really needed to give him more to do, but I appreciated the tiny peeks into Tom's psyche that The Ackles allowed us. If you were paying attention, you scould see the moment in the beginning of the film where Tom lost it and the Miner was born. I don't think you are generally supposed to feel pity for the killer, but the boy really needed someone to give him a hug and tell him everything was going to be okay, even if his ex-girlfriend had contracted a virulent strain of malaria from sleeping with Kerr Smith. I really enjoyed his internal struggle at the end, even if it wasn't a surprise, and without a single manly emo tear in sight! There were moments when the dialogue made me cringe (and met with even more hysterical cackles from the crowd), so I just repeated my mantra - it’s a slasher movie; stop thinking!
While I hear that Ackles hates being regarded in terms of his looks, he really does have a face made for the big screen…and it doesn’t hurt any in 3D, either. There’s a moment with Tom in a racerback tank, his back to the camera, when I think I saw God. We had iced tea and discussed The Ackles’ shoulders, while wearing our cricket sweaters.
At least Ackles didn’t have scurvy, unlike his co-star Kerr Smith. Has Kerr been sailing the high seas without his citrus or something?
But I think, in the end, The Ackles made it worthwhile, because watching his face shift from pained and scared to bone chilling in the last ten seconds of the movie was almost worth the exorbitant cost of the tickets.
Out of 5 screaming Jensens….
Zanne -
scaperanya -
gilligan2755 -
pippinlove - still too busy shakin' it with Ackles' crowd at the after-party
And our guest-rater…
Matt -