Fic - Popslash - The Closet - 1/2
Howie/AJ
PG-13
Started writing this over a year ago, so the timeline is kinda messed up now, I'm sure. Especially with the announcement of Howie's engagement. So yeah, just to warn you. I was going to try to change the whole thing, make it current, but I liked a lot of the stuff from a year ago and getting rid of that and changing things around and - It was really frustrating and I gave up. So yeah, it's been jossed by real life, but I think it's still a fun fic regardless. So posting anyway.
The Closet
The engagement was the last straw. AJ knew it when even Brian paused in his congratulatory back-patting to turn and shoot AJ a hysterically confused look. And then AJ glanced over and saw Leigh grinning and showing off her ring to Leighanne and that was it. AJ wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. He was beyond sick of this act.
“Howie,” AJ said when Howie was standing in front of him waiting for his hug. “Howie, my man. Congratulations, but you’re gay.”
“Thanks,” Howie said and then stopped smiling for a second and added, “What?”
“You’re gay, dude,” AJ repeated as he pulled Howie in for his hug. Howie wasn’t so much willing to hug back anymore and AJ said it quietly. Howie needed to know, but Leigh was standing right there and apparently she was blind and completely oblivious.
“What?” Howie asked again.
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this,” AJ said, not willing to release Howie from his grip until Howie got it. AJ really kind of thought Kevin should be the one to break the news to Howie. Kevin was good at this kind of thing. It was just like Kevin to decide to get a life right before Howie decided to let his delusions escalate to such a dangerous level. “But I think it’s something you should really really know in light of, you know, things.”
“I don’t get it,” Howie said and pulled out of AJ’s hug. He brushed off the sleeve of his shirt and frowned at AJ and didn’t smile again until Nick yanked at his shoulder and then wrapped an arm around his neck.
AJ turned, caught Brian’s eye, and shrugged.
Apparently the closet was pretty fucking deep. A walk-in. And Howie was back there curled up behind the mountain of shoes with his fingers stuck petulantly in his ears.
**
“What the fuck. I’m not gay,” Howie said as soon as AJ opened his front door.
“Yeah,” AJ said with a shrug. “You are. You came all the way over here for this?”
Howie pushed past AJ and into AJ’s house. “How the hell would you know?”
“Dude, everyone knows. Also, Albany.”
“Albany?” Howie repeated.
“2001.”
Howie snorted. “We were drunk. I’m surprised you even remember that night.”
“I remember you groping my ass and laughing and then moaning in my ear and saying ‘this is so gay. I’m so gay’.”
“Drunk,” Howie repeated with a wave of his hand. He wasn’t quite meeting AJ’s eye anymore.
“Okay,” AJ conceded, though drunk really wasn’t much of an excuse in that case and while AJ had definitely been trashed, he wasn’t entirely convinced that Howie was more than slightly intoxicated during the whole thing. “What about Nick?”
“What about him?” Howie asked.
“You’re not going to tell me that there wasn’t a time, a long time, when you were absolutely very obviously lusting after the big idiot.”
Howie looked horrified and AJ watched as the tips of Howie’s ears turned a bright angry red. “No! God, no. What is wrong with you?” Howie sputtered and scrunched up his face dramatically in disgust and then turned on his heel and disappeared back out AJ’s front door, slamming it as he went.
God, Howie was gay.
AJ pulled his cellphone from his pocket, scrolled down to Howie’s name and hit send.
“What?” Howie said.
“You slept with Lance Bass, and I don’t know if you remember, man, but Lance? He came out.”
“I hate you,” Howie said and hung up the phone.
**
Howie avoided AJ for a few weeks. For a while before the Dinner Party of Engagement Doom, Howie was carpooling to the studio with AJ and Nick. Nick was admittedly preoccupied with family shenanigans, but still, it took two weeks before Nick noticed Howie’s absence in the car.
“What the hell happened to Howie?” Nick asked as AJ pulled into Nick’s driveway on the second day of the second week of Howie avoiding AJ.
“Identity crisis,” AJ said.
“Someone stole his credit card again?”
AJ shrugged. “Something like that.”
“Weird,” Nick said, and then dropped the subject entirely until the drive back from the studio, during which Nick noticed that Howie wasn’t riding home with them either.
“Is he pissed at me? Is this about the TV thing?”
“Nah,” AJ said, and nudged Nick’s knee. Nick wasn’t usually reassured unless the reassuring included a pat or a squeeze of some sort. “Howie loves you, man.”
“Okay,” Nick agreed, but he still sounded a little doubtful. Which was probably understandable, seeing as, other than the studio stuff, they were all sort of steering clear of Nick in an attempt to steer clear of Nick’s cameras. At first Nick was offended, upset that Brian wanted to be blurred out if they did happen to get footage of him, and it took two weeks of Brian hugging Nick every time Nick arrived at the studio for Brian to convince Nick that he didn’t hate him, he just didn’t want to be on the show.
You wanna come in?” Nick asked, as AJ rolled the car into his driveway. AJ looked at the house doubtfully and flinched when Nick reached over and squeezed the back of his neck with one giant clammy hand. “Don’t worry, dawg. My sisters and the cameras are gone for the day.” AJ nodded and followed Nick to the house. He wasn’t going to make them blur him out, but he thought Brian probably had the right idea. AJ really didn’t want to end up on Nick’s cracked out reality show.
“Anyway,” Nick said, leading AJ into the kitchen, “You’d think he’d keep a better eye on his shit. You want a sandwich?”
“What?
“You said he lost his credit card,” Nick reminded him.
“Brian?”
“Howie. This morning. In the car.”
“Oh, yeah, no,” AJ said and then eyed Nick. “Hey, what would you do if Howie hit on you?”
Nick made a face. “Howie’s engaged.”
“But, like, if he wasn’t.”
Nick thought about it for a second and then said, “Didn’t you sleep with Howie one time?”
AJ waved his hands around. “We’re not talking about me here, Nick. We’re talking about you. I just want you to consider, for a minute, what you would do if you found out that our boy Howie had all kinds of unrequited feelings for you.”
Nick scrunched up his nose. “But Howie thinks I’m gross.”
“He does not. Will you just play along for a minute? Please?”
“But it’s like, he’s like my brother. That’s like - ew, dude. You slept with Howie. That’s like if I slept with Aaron and - oh god, I think I might barf. Do you want this sandwich? I can’t eat it now.”
“Whatever,” AJ said, irritated, but he ate the sandwich when Nick handed it to him and only later, on his drive home, did it occur to AJ to ask if there were any hidden stationary cameras in the house.
**
“So Howie’s pissed,” Brian said when he ran into AJ in the studio hallway.
“No shit,” AJ agreed. “He’ll get over it.”
Brian looked doubtful. “Johnny brought in a copy of a rider to be okayed the other day - I guess they’re like doing this stuff in advance for once, I don’t know - anyway, Howie ripped your name off the top of his copy.”
“Really?” AJ asked, surprised. “That’s very Nick of him. Have you seen Nick?”
“Yeah,” Brian agreed. “I thought so too.”
“Also, why don’t I get to okay the rider?”
“You would if you and Nick could get your butts out of bed. I’ve gotta say, at least now Howie actually shows up on time and I’m not just sitting around for hours twiddling my thumbs and waiting for y’all.”
“I am out of bed on time,” AJ grumbled. “Seriously, is it my fault that Nick’s living in a house surrounded by shrieking psychos and cameras? I’m not going in there and I know you’re not going in there, so you’re all just going to have to sit and wait while I call Nick from his driveway and wait for him to escape from the hellhole every morning, okay?”
“You could just make him drive himself, you know. He has a car. He’s got like four of ‘em.”
“I’m afraid that if he drives himself he’ll bring the cameras with him. Like barnacles or something.”
**
“Are there cameras in your kitchen?” AJ asked when he finally found Nick in the bathroom yelling at someone on the phone.
”What?” Nick asked, his hand over his cellphone. “Can you give me a minute? BJ, no! Don’t let him - Just ask them to wait until - BJ! I’m trying to talk to you!”
**
After two and a half weeks Howie came up to AJ in the parking lot of the studio and said “I’m probably over reacting, aren’t I?”
AJ wanted to say that Howie was probably under reacting, considering that Howie still thought he was straight and all, but instead he said, “Apology accepted.”
“Well,” Howie clarified. “I’m not really apologizing, because you’re like way off base, man, but we have an album to do and you’re my friend, so let’s just forget about it, okay? And also because I want you in the wedding.”
“You’re kidding,” AJ said and Howie just smiled back all clueless and gay.
**
Okay, so Howie was speaking to him again. That was a good sign. Howie was also still completely and totally delusional. Not so good.
“Seriously,” Brian said when AJ called him to tell him the news. “Howie thinks that I’m more gay than he is.”
“You are kind of flamey,” AJ agreed.
“Yeah?” Brian asked, and to his credit, sounded like he was actually considering it.
“So what should I do?” AJ asked.
“Since when am I the mastermind behind this whole operation?”
“You’re always the mastermind,” AJ said as sweetly as he possibly could with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah,” Brian said. “Okay. What do we know?”
“We know that he’s gay. We know that we fucked once, which is pretty much proof right there - Also, remember that time that he and Lance -“
“Howie slept with Lance?” Brian asked.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Wait,” Brian interrupted. “Am I more flamey than you?”
“Yes,” AJ said immediately. “Moving on. We know that he’s wanted Nick forever.”
“Set them up,” Brian jumped in.
“Thanks,” AJ said. “That’ll work. Great plan, genius. Anyway, I already thought of it and when I suggested as much to Nick he nearly barfed on me.”
“Get him drunk,” Brian suggested. “Nick, I mean. It worked for you.”
“Shut up. You’re being denoted.”
“Demoted.”
“Right,” AJ agreed. “And now you’re fired.”
**
So Brian had no ideas, at least not any good ones, and Kevin wasn’t answering his phone, which probably had nothing to do with the four messages that AJ left him yelling about Howie and Kevin shirking his responsibilities to them as people, as brothers, and really, how could he just sit back and let Howie go through with this without even trying to stop him? Which was the very short version. By the fourth message AJ was pretty sure he wouldn’t have called himself back either.
So instead he called Brian again because Brian was actually answering his phone. “Meet me at Howie’s tomorrow at 6.”
“Why?”
“Come on, man. It’s like, remember when you guys broke into my house? Like that. That was very effective.”
“AJ,” Brian sighed.
“Whatever, I know it’s not the same thing. Just meet me there, okay?”
**
AJ had to knock about 15 times before Howie actually answered the door.
“Oh,” Howie said and moved aside so that AJ could enter.
“I guess you’re happy to see me?” AJ commented. He followed Howie upstairs and into Howie’s bedroom where he promptly began poking at the numerous hair products spread out across the dresser.
“Leigh and I are heading out to dinner,” Howie said and then started digging around in one of the drawers. He cursed a little, threw a pair of jeans onto the floor and then climbed into the closet to get at the rest of his clothes.
“Um,” AJ started, not quite sure how to start now that he was actually standing there.
“Hey,” Howie said, poking his head out of the door. “I’ve gotta go look at all these tuxes that Leigh picked out and tell her which looks the best. You wanna give your opinion?”
“On tuxes?”
“You’re good with clothes.”
“Howie,” AJ sighed. “I think maybe we should talk -“
And that was when there was another knock at the door.
“That’s her,” Howie said as he poked his head out. “Answer it. But don’t talk to her.”
“Cause she won’t think that’s at all weird,” AJ said as he left the bedroom.
**
"You're not Brian," AJ said, opening the door to let Nick in.
Nick checked himself out, even tried to look at the backs of his knees. "I hope not," he said. "Brian's funny looking."
"What are you doing here?"
"I don't know," Nick shrugged. "Brian said to meet you guys here at six."
"So Brian's not even coming, is he?"
Nick shrugged.
"Typical," AJ sighed.
"Where's Howie?" Nick asked, and AJ led Nick up the stairs and into Howie's bedroom.
“Where is he?” Nick asked again after a quick scan of the bedroom.
AJ hooked a thumb toward the closet door. "He's in the closet," AJ said, and raised his eyebrows, waited for Nick to get the significance.
"Why are you making that face?" Nick asked. The irony of the whole thing was entirely lost on Nick. Figured.
"Howie," Nick barked.
“Why are you here?” Howie groaned from somewhere in the closet.
“I kinda thought I was invited," Nick said. He looked offended.
"I'm going out to dinner with Leigh," Howie said from behind a large stack of folded sweaters.
"Then why are we here?" Nick asked.
“That's what I want to know," Howie said and emerged from the closet. Howie glared at AJ and twisted something black and sparkly in his hands. AJ could tell Howie was wishing it was his neck. Nick reached out to grab it from Howie’s hand but Howie was too quick for that shit and pulled it away in time.
“You’re wearing that to dinner?” Nick asked, his hand still out as though Howie’d suddenly change his mind and hand the shirt over.
“Maybe,” Howie sniffed. “I haven’t decided.”
AJ raised his eyebrows.
“No,” Howie stammered, suddenly seemingly paranoid to have them standing in his bedroom watching him. “No, I’m not wearing this.” He shoved it into Nick's hands and then disappeared back into the closet. Nick shut the door after him.
“AJ, what am I doing here?’
"I don't really know what you're doing here," AJ said.
Nick poked AJ in the chest and then shoved the sparkly shirt in AJ's hands. "You think I'm so stupid," Nick said. "You're trying to set me up with Howie! Brian said you might."
AJ made a noise as though Nick's suggestion was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "What? I don't - Brian's such a fucking traitor."
"I don't want you to set me up with Howie," Nick said. "I don't want Howie."
"Ouch," AJ said, and pressed the sparkly shirt to his chest.
"Howie is straight," Nick said as though he really couldn't believe that he had to state something so fucking obvious.
AJ shrugged. "That's debatable. Listen, I just figured if we - meaning Brian and I - tried to talk to him again. He won't listen to me and he sure as hell won't listen to you, but everyone listens to Brian and Kevin.”
“No one listens to Kevin.”
“Okay, well, I listen to Kevin and everyone listens to Brian, so maybe if Brian just tells him that this is a really really really bad idea he’ll understand and -“
“Howie's happy. Leave him alone.”
“Guys?” Howie said from inside the closet.
“How can he be?! Howie. Is. Gay!” AJ hissed and he knew he was acting like Nick, but he was talking to Nick so maybe this was the way to get his point across. He stomped his feet on the floor. “He wants dick! He wants, I don’t know, You!" Nick opened his mouth to protest again. "Or somebody else who is not you!” AJ added quickly.
Nick took a deep breath. “Dude,” he said and put a hand on AJ’s shoulder. “Calm down.”
“I’m calm,” AJ said, and knocked Nick's hands away.
“Guys?” Howie said again.
“What?” AJ snapped.
“Can you guys open the door? Please?”
“You open it.”
“I’m trying,” Howie grunted. “It sticks and there’s no handle in here. And is Nicky leaning on it?”
“Oh,” Nick said, and jumped away from the door. He yanked it open and Howie punched him in the arm. “Ow.”
"Leigh is downstairs in the driveway," Howie said and pulled a sports jacket over the cream shirt he'd chosen.
"How do you know?" Nick asked and peered in the closet, for windows, or so AJ assumed.
Howie waved his cellphone at Nick.
"Oh."
"She said there's a camera man and bunch of cars and she didn't want to come in if there was some kind of scene or fight happening."
"You brought a camera man?" AJ asked and looked pointedly at Nick.
Nick shrugged. "He's waiting in the car."
"I'm leaving," Howie said. "Don't burn my house down. Turn on the alarm when you leave. And you better be gone when I get back."
"Bye, Howie," Nick said. They stood in Howie's bedroom and listened to Howie's feet on the stairs, to the front door shutting and the sound of a car horn.
AJ looked around.
"No," Nick said and grabbed AJ's arm, pulling him out of Howie's bedroom and toward the stairs.
"You don't even know what I was going to do."
"You were going to ransack Howie's room for like gay porn of something, dude. Do you know how messed up that is?"
AJ sighed and let Nick lead him down the stairs and into the front hall. "Sometimes it freaks me out that you know me as well as you do."
"It freaks me out that you don't know me enough to know that I would not want to do anything sexy with Howie ever," Nick sniffed.
AJ stopped paying attention to Nick's whining and glanced out the front window. "That guy actually is waiting in your car."
"I know," Nick said. "I told him to."
"And he listened. Huh."
Nick punched some buttons on Howie's alarm and then went to open the front door, stopped with his hand on the knob. "So like, how come you didn't freak when Kevin or Brian got hitched?"
"Because Kevin and Brian aren't gay, Nick," AJ said, and he really couldn't believe he had to explain this again.
"Are you jealous or something?"
"Of what?" AJ asked. "Of Howie?" AJ had been close to the altar. AJ had been really really close and he'd fucked it up. "No, I’m not - I mean, Sarah and I, that was a long time ago. I'm not jealous of Howie."
Nick nodded and opened the front door, letting AJ walk out onto the porch before closing it behind him and making sure it was locked. The camera guy picked up his camera, steadied it, and started filming Nick and AJ on Howie's front porch.
"I want to be edited out of this episode," AJ said and nodded toward the camera man, smiled.
"Come on," Nick sighed. "You all suck, you know that? E! is going to bitch about this."
"I don't care," AJ said, and waved to the camera. "I'll see you later, Nicholas."
Nick slapped AJ on the back and started toward his SUV. Halfway there he turned around and pointed at AJ. "I meant are you jealous of Leigh," he said, and then jogged the rest of the distance to his car.
AJ stood on Howie's front porch, his hands on his hips and watched Nick and his barnacle pull out of the driveway. "Jealous of Leigh?" AJ repeated.
**
"I was thinking vests, of course," Howie said. "Maybe, you know, that match the bridesmaid dresses. Um, for the wedding party. Not for me. I'll wear a vest too, but it won't be purple. Unless - do you think it should be purple?"
"Purple," AJ repeated.
"Leigh chose purple," Howie explained. "We like purple."
"Queens like purple."
"What?" Howie asked and held up a vest for AJ's opinion. "I don't get it."
AJ shook his head. "Purple's the color of royalty, is all."
"After we're done here Leigh wants us to meet her to check out some china that she likes." Howie shoved a vest into AJ's hands. "Try this on."
AJ looked at the vest. "Are you happy?"
Howie pushed a tux at AJ. "No. We're not doing this here. I'm happy, AJ. You know that Leigh is a great girl. A great girl."
"And she loves you," AJ said. He dumped the tux that Howie's handed him on another rack and picked up a different one, waving it at Howie and adding it to Howie's stack.
"And she loves me," Howie agreed. He touched the lapels of the tuxedo that AJ chose.
"And the sex is good?" AJ asked. "Like 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' good?"
"Um," Howie said. He set down the stack of tuxedos and his face turned a little red.
"What?" AJ asked. "It's not?"
"We haven't - I mean, we've, you know, been intimate, but we haven't - Leigh has this thing. All of her previous relationships have fallen apart and she thinks maybe it's because the relationships were so focused on sex, which makes sense, really. She wanted - she wants - we decided to let the relationship develop on its own, you know? Emotionally, mentally, and hold off on the physical stuff until we really knew what we wanted and what it would mean. I mean, not all the physical stuff. Just the um, the big one."
"Howie," AJ said, and he didn't mean to sound disappointed or disapproving and he didn't want to come off like he thought Howie was delusional, but really. "You're waiting to have sex until you're married."
"We're waiting until we're ready," Howie amended.
"You don't want to have sex with your fiancée."
"No," Howie said. "I do."
"Howie," AJ said, and he knew he'd said it before, but there was no way he couldn't say it now. "You're - are you sure you're not gay? You're sure Leigh's not gay?"
Howie sighed. "I'm getting married. Will you just shut up and help me pick out tuxedos?"
**
Brian took a bite of the salad, chewing quietly. He poked at a tomato and then speared it with his fork and set it aside. He wiped his mouth with his napkin, sipped his Coke, and then looked up at AJ.
"Why are you watching me eat?"
AJ looked down at his untouched sandwich and then back at Brian. "Did you wait until marriage with Leighanne?"
"For what?" Brian asked and poked a little more at the tomato.
"For sex, asshole."
Brian made a face and then laughed, surprised. "No."
"I didn't think so."
Brian picked up his fork and then set it back down. "Come on," he said. "You know I didn't. Why are you asking me this?"
AJ shrugged. "Howie and Leigh? Yeah. They're waiting."
Brian seemed to think about this for a second and then said. "Good for them."
"He says it's her idea, but man. You know why."
Brian shrugged. "Maybe they have an arrangement. They seem kind of happy to me."
"You don't have a problem with the fact that their marriage will be a lie?"
Brian shrugged again. "If they're being honest with each other than it's not a lie. Maybe they are, AJ. Being honest with each other."
"Then why won't they be honest with us?" AJ asked and flicked a slice of pickle with his finger.
"Because it's none of your business?" Brian suggested.
"Howie's my friend," AJ said. "Also, I don't think they've told people yet. I mean, like public people. I don't think the engagement is public."
"He's my friend too," Brian shrugged. "And I think that if there is something Howie wants us to know then Howie will tell us. Until then, I think Howie seems happy. It was a surprise, yes. I agree. But Howie seems happy and therefore I am happy for him."
AJ crumpled his napkin and dropped it on his food. "You always always have to be so fucking reasonable. I hate that about you, you know?"
**
"AJ," Howie said, shortly after getting in the car. "I wanted to talk to you."
"Yeah?" AJ asked. He pulled out of Howie's driveway and headed toward Nick's house.
"I know things haven't been - things have been kind of weird with us," Howie started.
"Yeah," AJ agreed. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I'm getting married," Howie said.
"Yes," AJ agreed. "I know."
Howie nodded and then was quiet.
After a minute AJ nodded too and turned up the radio.
"I'm getting married," Howie said again as AJ pulled into Nick's driveway.
"You're getting married," AJ said. He put the car into park and then pulled out his cellphone to call Nick. Honking the horn didn't seem to work anymore.
"I'm getting married," Howie said a third time. "And you're - You're my friend. I know that you don't, for some reason, you're not happy for me. I know that, AJ. But you're my best friend and I want you to be there. I want you to be my best man."
"Oh," AJ said and snapped his cellphone shut. He wasn't that surprised that Howie would want him - them - in the wedding. He'd kind of thought that Howie would choose his brother as a best man. Nick, maybe. Not AJ. Not after everything. "I'm - I'm happy for you. I really am, Howie."
He wasn't unhappy for Howie. He was worried. Howie and Leigh, it just didn't add up to AJ. It didn't add up to Brian either, though for some reason Brian had decided to stop admitting to that fact. AJ'd never seen Howie and Leigh as any sort of serious relationship. He'd seen them as friends, casual. Okay, AJ really had seen her as a beard. And even while choosing ridiculous off the rack tuxedos and talking about strange abstinence choices, AJ never gave an actual wedding much thought.
But maybe Brian was right. Maybe Howie really was as happy as he said that he was with Leigh. Maybe this really was what Howie wanted. What Howie really wanted. AJ had to be happy for him. Howie'd found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he'd asked that person to marry him. And now he was asking AJ to be the best man. Best man.
"I'm happy," Howie said. He reached over and squeezed AJ's knee. AJ placed his hand over Howie's for a moment and then moved it back to the steering wheel. "AJ."
AJ shook his head. "Of course I'll be your best man, you idiot."
Howie laughed. "I wasn't sure."
"You're such a fucking moron," AJ said and then he laughed a little too, wiped his right eye with the back of his hand. "You thought I'd really say no?"
Howie leaned forward and looked at AJ. "Was that a tear? You're crying?"
AJ slapped him. "I'm happy for you, okay? We should call Nick."
"You've always been a giant sap," Howie said and then reached over and honked the horn a few times.
**
AJ paced the men's room, glad there was no one else there. He'd been gone a while. Someone, probably Brian, would come looking for him soon.
He stopped and looked in the mirror, blinked at his reflection.
"I'm fucking jealous," he said. "Fuck."
**
AJ found Nick spread out across his bed.
"Nick," AJ said, and Nick jumped in surprise.
"You're in the house," Nick said. He looked around, most likely to see if there was a camera guy lurking somewhere.
"I am," AJ agreed. He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his flip-flops.
"Why?"
"I've kinda gotta talk to you," AJ said.
"Here?"
"I was kinda hoping we could leave here," AJ admitted.
"Can't," Nick said.
AJ looked around. "Why not? You're not doing anything."
"It's in my contract," Nick said. "I have to be here, like, a certain number of hours a day or week or whatever and I'm going out with Brent and Drew and Marcus tonight, so I have to be here now."
"Drew and Marcus? Are you like paying them? Think you're going to get mobbed?"
"No," Nick said. "For fun."
"Our bodyguards agreed to hang out with you by choice?"
"You hang out with Marcus sometimes," Nick pointed out.
"But Marcus likes me," AJ said. "The bodyguards all hate you."
"They do?"
"Of course they do," AJ shrugged. "You're a jackass, man."
"Fuck you," Nick said. "What do you want anyway?"
"I want to talk to you without cameras," AJ said.
Nick shrugged. "Too bad."
"Nick," AJ snapped and the name sounded like a curse. He grabbed Nick's ankle and pulled. Nick squeaked and landed on the floor.
"Come on," AJ said, and dragged Nick into Nick's closet, shutting the door behind them. "Are there cameras in here?"
Nick huffed and refused to answer AJ and then finally crossed his arms over his chest, leaned against the door and said, "No."
AJ looked around. Nick's clothes were thrown all over the place, and there were some undoubtedly dirty underwear on the shelf right next to AJ's head, but there wasn't any sign of cameras and AJ decided Nick was probably telling the truth.
"I think I might have feelings for Howie," he said.
Nick chewed on his finger nail and eyed AJ.
"Well?" AJ said.
Nick shrugged. "Brian and I guessed this a week ago. Kevin agrees. I think even Howie probably knows."
"Howie doesn't know," AJ said.
Nick shrugged again, the fifteen zillionth time in the last fifteen minutes. It made AJ want to slap him. Except that slapping was kind of girly. Kind of Howie, really. Punch. It made AJ want to punch him.
"What's that?" AJ asked and mimicked Nick's shrug.
"Nothing," Nick said. "Just you're kind of obvious. You've been following Howie around and telling him he's gay and talking about the time you had sex with him, which is just gross by the way. I mean, Howie would have to be pretty stupid not to figure it out."
AJ squinted. "So you all think Howie's really straight."
"Nah," Nick said. "I don't know. Brian thinks he's gay but has chosen not to be, and I guess that's okay with Brian as long as Howie's happy and Brian thinks Howie seems happy. I think he's just Howie. He's always been strange. Kevin doesn't give a shit as long as you stop calling him and freaking out on his answering machine."
"You guys are all discussing this and yet I ask for help and Brian sends you instead and you bring cameras and Kevin won't even talk to me. This is fucked up. I feel like I'm you."
"I don't get it," Nick said.
AJ looked around the closet again. "I know you don't." Nick had several dresses hanging in the back of his closet. AJ didn't even want to know.
Nick was smiling when AJ looked at him again. "What?"
"We're in a closet," Nick grinned. "You're in the closet."
AJ sighed and pushed Nick away from the door. "I hate you. That contract thing was complete bullshit, wasn't it. You don't have to be here right now."
"Yes."
"I hate you," AJ said again.
"You love me," Nick called from the closet as AJ left his room.
"I really don't!" AJ yelled back and then blocked the lens of the camera guy he passed in the hallway. "And I want to be edited out of this episode!"
**
"AJ," Howie said, walking into his living room from wherever he was in the house. AJ was lounging on the couch, flipping stations on Howie's TV.
"Yeah?"
"When did you get here?"
AJ looked at his watch. "Half an hour ago."
"Well, make yourself comfortable," Howie said.
AJ smiled and shifted on the couch. Howie shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around at his own living room. Probably wondering why he ever gave AJ a key to the place. Eventually he sighed and sat heavily in a large leather chair, staring straight ahead. AJ knew that Howie could tell that AJ's eyes were on him. Howie was refusing to look back.
AJ continued to watch Howie. He tried to suppress his smile. Howie was chewing his bottom lip now, eyes firmly glued to the television. The fingers of Howie's right hand tugged a little at his jeans and then scratched at the arm of the chair instead. It was pretty fucking adorable, and AJ could feel it. His smile had become a fucking dumbass cheesy grin. AJ hated himself.
Howie coughed and then turned to AJ and AJ wiped the smile from his face and looked concerned.
"You okay?" AJ asked. "Your face is a little red."
Howie frowned and rubbed absently at his cheek. His face wasn't actually red at all.
"I've been thinking," Howie started.
"'Bout what?" AJ cut in. There was no arguing that Howie was endearing in his own cute dorky way. There were plenty of men and women who wanted to fold Howie up, put him in their pocket, and bring him home with them.
AJ was positive that he could not be one of those people.
He didn't go for cute. He went for loud and garish. He didn't go for subtle charm or quirky good looks. He went for in your face. It simply did not make any sense to AJ that he would have feelings for someone like Howie. He wasn't sure what those feelings were. He thought that he remembered the sex being awesome, but he was trashed and high and he had a feeling that the sex was probably pretty awful. Maybe AJ was mistaking what was happening here for jealousy, for feelings. AJ loved Howie, there was no question about that, but it seemed improbable that AJ was in love with Howie. Maybe AJ just -
Howie blinked at him, confused. It was pretty fucking cute. AJ's mouth twitched and he tried not to start smiling again.
"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" Howie asked. He climbed out of his chair and took a few steps toward the hall.
"You're fun to look at like that," AJ said.
Howie moved to stand behind the couch, his hands leaning on the back beside AJ's head.
Howie looked down at AJ and started again. "I was thinking -"
"The sex was really bad, wasn't it," AJ said. It wasn't a question.
"What sex?" Howie asked, clearly surprised and suddenly a little defensive. His hands curled back off the couch.
"You and me."
Howie sighed. "AJ - it was. I don't remember."
AJ nodded. "I do, but I don't think I remember it right."
"It probably wasn't very good," Howie agreed. He scratched his fingers through the hair at the back of AJ's neck, like he was scratching a pet or something. AJ leaned into it. "Awkward, probably."
"Yeah."
"Listen," Howie said. "I don't want you to throw me a bachelor party, okay? I just - it just occurred to me what a bachelor party thrown by you would be like, and I definitely do not want one. Okay?"
AJ shrugged. It was almost as though Howie'd been thinking about it too. The large boobs and the black eyeliner. Loud laughter and quick tongues. Howie knew he wasn't compatible with AJ's usual menu.
Fuck, that sounded awful.
"AJ." The phone rang and Howie started backing out of the room, but he continued to give AJ a warning look.
AJ huffed and turned back toward the television. "What? You're saying you don't like Playboy bunnies? Girls jumping out of cakes? Howie, it's practically un-American. Or at least pretty -"
Howie threw something and hit AJ in the back of the head.
"Ow," AJ said, rubbed the back of his head, and peered over the edge of the couch. "A magazine? Nice. You're definitely getting a bachelor party now, dude. Sickest bachelor party ever. Nick will be hung over for days."
**
AJ continued to knock until his knuckles started to burn and then he pulled out his cellphone and called.
"What?" Kevin asked after the second ring.
"Finally," AJ said. "I'm at your front door. Your car is here. Open it already."
"I have more than one car."
"I know you're here. I'm going to come through a window. Did I do something to piss you off?"
"I'm really not there, actually," Kevin said. "Kris and I are on our way home though."
"I'm going to wait," AJ said.
"Are you okay? You can - I think one of the windows in the kitchen is unlocked. You'll have to jump the back gate but -"
"I'll just wait here," AJ sighed.
**
Kristin rushed to AJ as soon as the car pulled into the driveway. Kevin actually waited until he parked it and then walked over at a normal pace. They ushered AJ inside, shoved a glass of iced tea in his hand, and parked him at a stool in the kitchen.
"What happened?" Kristin asked, concerned.
"What did you do?" Kevin asked, and folded his arms over his chest. That was more like it.
"It's not me, really," AJ started. He sipped the iced tea. It was unsweetened and he set it back down on the counter. "It's Howie."
Kevin gestured toward AJ and looked at Kristin. "I told you. You almost got us a speeding ticket and I told you it was going to be about this."
Kristin shrugged.
"Do you two want some privacy?" Kristin asked, and it was pretty fucking obvious that she knew every detail of what had been happening as narrated to her by Kevin who had had the story filtered down to him by Brian and Nick, who were liars anyway. There wasn't really much point in Kristin leaving now.
"Howie's gay," AJ said. "And I want him."
Kevin nodded. "Howie might be gay," he said. "And I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" Kristin asked. She was petting the back of AJ's neck almost exactly like Howie had a few hours earlier.
Kevin shrugged. "Because. Howie's engaged. He's planning to go through with it. It can't be easy for AJ."
"I'm going to tell him," AJ said. He pulled away from Kristin's touch. It was calming and he didn't want to be calm.
"That you want him?" Kevin asked. "You think that's going to get through to Howie? 'You're gay and I want you'? He'll probably punch you and promote Nick to his best man, AJ."
"I'm not going to tell him I want him," AJ said. "I'm going to tell him I'm in love with him."
"Are you?" Kristin asked.
"I think so."
"That sounds better than 'I want you'," she agreed. "Less selfish."
Kevin sighed. "He's going to push you away, AJ. I don't think that you shouldn't do this. I mean, I know that you feel that you have to. And if that's how you feel then I think you should. But he's going to push you away. I want you to be prepared."
"He's going to push me away because he knows he's lying to everyone," AJ said. "He's lying to himself, even. You know I'm right. The whole wedding thing is ridiculous. I don't even think the dude's bisexual. Then it would make a little sense, but come on, Howie? Leigh's been his beard for years and now he's marrying her? That's not right. And it's not like - I don't know where he ever got the idea in his head that this was something that he had to hide from everyone for forever, but no one will care!
"I mean, sure, some people will be pissed and he'll get some assholes who say shit, but look at Lance Bass. He's happy! Howie's fake-happy. Howie's not even sleeping with his fiancée. Howie thinks that if he admits to himself and everyone else who he really is then his career will go down the tubes and he'll lose all of his fans and all of his friends, and that's bullshit. He's what? Practically 40 now? He should be settling down with some gorgeous sexy guy in some big sexy house on the beach or whatever. He should be saying 'fuck everyone else! This is who I am and you just wish you were having as much fantastic sex as I am!' He should not be planning a fake wedding to a girl he's afraid to touch. And I know I'm not some gorgeous sexy guy, so don't even say it."
"I wasn't going to," Kevin said.
"You had that look."
"I was just going to point out to Kristin that if Howie's forty now, you must think we're ancient."
"That wasn't the point."
"I know."
"I should go back over there now," AJ said. He stood from the stool, ignoring Kristin's hand on his shoulder.
"You should think about it for a while," Kristin suggested. "You can stay here."
"I have to do it now," AJ said. "I know that I'm right."
"Maybe," Kevin conceded. "Maybe you're right. But he's going to push you away."
part 2
PG-13
Started writing this over a year ago, so the timeline is kinda messed up now, I'm sure. Especially with the announcement of Howie's engagement. So yeah, just to warn you. I was going to try to change the whole thing, make it current, but I liked a lot of the stuff from a year ago and getting rid of that and changing things around and - It was really frustrating and I gave up. So yeah, it's been jossed by real life, but I think it's still a fun fic regardless. So posting anyway.
The Closet
The engagement was the last straw. AJ knew it when even Brian paused in his congratulatory back-patting to turn and shoot AJ a hysterically confused look. And then AJ glanced over and saw Leigh grinning and showing off her ring to Leighanne and that was it. AJ wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. He was beyond sick of this act.
“Howie,” AJ said when Howie was standing in front of him waiting for his hug. “Howie, my man. Congratulations, but you’re gay.”
“Thanks,” Howie said and then stopped smiling for a second and added, “What?”
“You’re gay, dude,” AJ repeated as he pulled Howie in for his hug. Howie wasn’t so much willing to hug back anymore and AJ said it quietly. Howie needed to know, but Leigh was standing right there and apparently she was blind and completely oblivious.
“What?” Howie asked again.
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this,” AJ said, not willing to release Howie from his grip until Howie got it. AJ really kind of thought Kevin should be the one to break the news to Howie. Kevin was good at this kind of thing. It was just like Kevin to decide to get a life right before Howie decided to let his delusions escalate to such a dangerous level. “But I think it’s something you should really really know in light of, you know, things.”
“I don’t get it,” Howie said and pulled out of AJ’s hug. He brushed off the sleeve of his shirt and frowned at AJ and didn’t smile again until Nick yanked at his shoulder and then wrapped an arm around his neck.
AJ turned, caught Brian’s eye, and shrugged.
Apparently the closet was pretty fucking deep. A walk-in. And Howie was back there curled up behind the mountain of shoes with his fingers stuck petulantly in his ears.
**
“What the fuck. I’m not gay,” Howie said as soon as AJ opened his front door.
“Yeah,” AJ said with a shrug. “You are. You came all the way over here for this?”
Howie pushed past AJ and into AJ’s house. “How the hell would you know?”
“Dude, everyone knows. Also, Albany.”
“Albany?” Howie repeated.
“2001.”
Howie snorted. “We were drunk. I’m surprised you even remember that night.”
“I remember you groping my ass and laughing and then moaning in my ear and saying ‘this is so gay. I’m so gay’.”
“Drunk,” Howie repeated with a wave of his hand. He wasn’t quite meeting AJ’s eye anymore.
“Okay,” AJ conceded, though drunk really wasn’t much of an excuse in that case and while AJ had definitely been trashed, he wasn’t entirely convinced that Howie was more than slightly intoxicated during the whole thing. “What about Nick?”
“What about him?” Howie asked.
“You’re not going to tell me that there wasn’t a time, a long time, when you were absolutely very obviously lusting after the big idiot.”
Howie looked horrified and AJ watched as the tips of Howie’s ears turned a bright angry red. “No! God, no. What is wrong with you?” Howie sputtered and scrunched up his face dramatically in disgust and then turned on his heel and disappeared back out AJ’s front door, slamming it as he went.
God, Howie was gay.
AJ pulled his cellphone from his pocket, scrolled down to Howie’s name and hit send.
“What?” Howie said.
“You slept with Lance Bass, and I don’t know if you remember, man, but Lance? He came out.”
“I hate you,” Howie said and hung up the phone.
**
Howie avoided AJ for a few weeks. For a while before the Dinner Party of Engagement Doom, Howie was carpooling to the studio with AJ and Nick. Nick was admittedly preoccupied with family shenanigans, but still, it took two weeks before Nick noticed Howie’s absence in the car.
“What the hell happened to Howie?” Nick asked as AJ pulled into Nick’s driveway on the second day of the second week of Howie avoiding AJ.
“Identity crisis,” AJ said.
“Someone stole his credit card again?”
AJ shrugged. “Something like that.”
“Weird,” Nick said, and then dropped the subject entirely until the drive back from the studio, during which Nick noticed that Howie wasn’t riding home with them either.
“Is he pissed at me? Is this about the TV thing?”
“Nah,” AJ said, and nudged Nick’s knee. Nick wasn’t usually reassured unless the reassuring included a pat or a squeeze of some sort. “Howie loves you, man.”
“Okay,” Nick agreed, but he still sounded a little doubtful. Which was probably understandable, seeing as, other than the studio stuff, they were all sort of steering clear of Nick in an attempt to steer clear of Nick’s cameras. At first Nick was offended, upset that Brian wanted to be blurred out if they did happen to get footage of him, and it took two weeks of Brian hugging Nick every time Nick arrived at the studio for Brian to convince Nick that he didn’t hate him, he just didn’t want to be on the show.
You wanna come in?” Nick asked, as AJ rolled the car into his driveway. AJ looked at the house doubtfully and flinched when Nick reached over and squeezed the back of his neck with one giant clammy hand. “Don’t worry, dawg. My sisters and the cameras are gone for the day.” AJ nodded and followed Nick to the house. He wasn’t going to make them blur him out, but he thought Brian probably had the right idea. AJ really didn’t want to end up on Nick’s cracked out reality show.
“Anyway,” Nick said, leading AJ into the kitchen, “You’d think he’d keep a better eye on his shit. You want a sandwich?”
“What?
“You said he lost his credit card,” Nick reminded him.
“Brian?”
“Howie. This morning. In the car.”
“Oh, yeah, no,” AJ said and then eyed Nick. “Hey, what would you do if Howie hit on you?”
Nick made a face. “Howie’s engaged.”
“But, like, if he wasn’t.”
Nick thought about it for a second and then said, “Didn’t you sleep with Howie one time?”
AJ waved his hands around. “We’re not talking about me here, Nick. We’re talking about you. I just want you to consider, for a minute, what you would do if you found out that our boy Howie had all kinds of unrequited feelings for you.”
Nick scrunched up his nose. “But Howie thinks I’m gross.”
“He does not. Will you just play along for a minute? Please?”
“But it’s like, he’s like my brother. That’s like - ew, dude. You slept with Howie. That’s like if I slept with Aaron and - oh god, I think I might barf. Do you want this sandwich? I can’t eat it now.”
“Whatever,” AJ said, irritated, but he ate the sandwich when Nick handed it to him and only later, on his drive home, did it occur to AJ to ask if there were any hidden stationary cameras in the house.
**
“So Howie’s pissed,” Brian said when he ran into AJ in the studio hallway.
“No shit,” AJ agreed. “He’ll get over it.”
Brian looked doubtful. “Johnny brought in a copy of a rider to be okayed the other day - I guess they’re like doing this stuff in advance for once, I don’t know - anyway, Howie ripped your name off the top of his copy.”
“Really?” AJ asked, surprised. “That’s very Nick of him. Have you seen Nick?”
“Yeah,” Brian agreed. “I thought so too.”
“Also, why don’t I get to okay the rider?”
“You would if you and Nick could get your butts out of bed. I’ve gotta say, at least now Howie actually shows up on time and I’m not just sitting around for hours twiddling my thumbs and waiting for y’all.”
“I am out of bed on time,” AJ grumbled. “Seriously, is it my fault that Nick’s living in a house surrounded by shrieking psychos and cameras? I’m not going in there and I know you’re not going in there, so you’re all just going to have to sit and wait while I call Nick from his driveway and wait for him to escape from the hellhole every morning, okay?”
“You could just make him drive himself, you know. He has a car. He’s got like four of ‘em.”
“I’m afraid that if he drives himself he’ll bring the cameras with him. Like barnacles or something.”
**
“Are there cameras in your kitchen?” AJ asked when he finally found Nick in the bathroom yelling at someone on the phone.
”What?” Nick asked, his hand over his cellphone. “Can you give me a minute? BJ, no! Don’t let him - Just ask them to wait until - BJ! I’m trying to talk to you!”
**
After two and a half weeks Howie came up to AJ in the parking lot of the studio and said “I’m probably over reacting, aren’t I?”
AJ wanted to say that Howie was probably under reacting, considering that Howie still thought he was straight and all, but instead he said, “Apology accepted.”
“Well,” Howie clarified. “I’m not really apologizing, because you’re like way off base, man, but we have an album to do and you’re my friend, so let’s just forget about it, okay? And also because I want you in the wedding.”
“You’re kidding,” AJ said and Howie just smiled back all clueless and gay.
**
Okay, so Howie was speaking to him again. That was a good sign. Howie was also still completely and totally delusional. Not so good.
“Seriously,” Brian said when AJ called him to tell him the news. “Howie thinks that I’m more gay than he is.”
“You are kind of flamey,” AJ agreed.
“Yeah?” Brian asked, and to his credit, sounded like he was actually considering it.
“So what should I do?” AJ asked.
“Since when am I the mastermind behind this whole operation?”
“You’re always the mastermind,” AJ said as sweetly as he possibly could with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah,” Brian said. “Okay. What do we know?”
“We know that he’s gay. We know that we fucked once, which is pretty much proof right there - Also, remember that time that he and Lance -“
“Howie slept with Lance?” Brian asked.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Wait,” Brian interrupted. “Am I more flamey than you?”
“Yes,” AJ said immediately. “Moving on. We know that he’s wanted Nick forever.”
“Set them up,” Brian jumped in.
“Thanks,” AJ said. “That’ll work. Great plan, genius. Anyway, I already thought of it and when I suggested as much to Nick he nearly barfed on me.”
“Get him drunk,” Brian suggested. “Nick, I mean. It worked for you.”
“Shut up. You’re being denoted.”
“Demoted.”
“Right,” AJ agreed. “And now you’re fired.”
**
So Brian had no ideas, at least not any good ones, and Kevin wasn’t answering his phone, which probably had nothing to do with the four messages that AJ left him yelling about Howie and Kevin shirking his responsibilities to them as people, as brothers, and really, how could he just sit back and let Howie go through with this without even trying to stop him? Which was the very short version. By the fourth message AJ was pretty sure he wouldn’t have called himself back either.
So instead he called Brian again because Brian was actually answering his phone. “Meet me at Howie’s tomorrow at 6.”
“Why?”
“Come on, man. It’s like, remember when you guys broke into my house? Like that. That was very effective.”
“AJ,” Brian sighed.
“Whatever, I know it’s not the same thing. Just meet me there, okay?”
**
AJ had to knock about 15 times before Howie actually answered the door.
“Oh,” Howie said and moved aside so that AJ could enter.
“I guess you’re happy to see me?” AJ commented. He followed Howie upstairs and into Howie’s bedroom where he promptly began poking at the numerous hair products spread out across the dresser.
“Leigh and I are heading out to dinner,” Howie said and then started digging around in one of the drawers. He cursed a little, threw a pair of jeans onto the floor and then climbed into the closet to get at the rest of his clothes.
“Um,” AJ started, not quite sure how to start now that he was actually standing there.
“Hey,” Howie said, poking his head out of the door. “I’ve gotta go look at all these tuxes that Leigh picked out and tell her which looks the best. You wanna give your opinion?”
“On tuxes?”
“You’re good with clothes.”
“Howie,” AJ sighed. “I think maybe we should talk -“
And that was when there was another knock at the door.
“That’s her,” Howie said as he poked his head out. “Answer it. But don’t talk to her.”
“Cause she won’t think that’s at all weird,” AJ said as he left the bedroom.
**
"You're not Brian," AJ said, opening the door to let Nick in.
Nick checked himself out, even tried to look at the backs of his knees. "I hope not," he said. "Brian's funny looking."
"What are you doing here?"
"I don't know," Nick shrugged. "Brian said to meet you guys here at six."
"So Brian's not even coming, is he?"
Nick shrugged.
"Typical," AJ sighed.
"Where's Howie?" Nick asked, and AJ led Nick up the stairs and into Howie's bedroom.
“Where is he?” Nick asked again after a quick scan of the bedroom.
AJ hooked a thumb toward the closet door. "He's in the closet," AJ said, and raised his eyebrows, waited for Nick to get the significance.
"Why are you making that face?" Nick asked. The irony of the whole thing was entirely lost on Nick. Figured.
"Howie," Nick barked.
“Why are you here?” Howie groaned from somewhere in the closet.
“I kinda thought I was invited," Nick said. He looked offended.
"I'm going out to dinner with Leigh," Howie said from behind a large stack of folded sweaters.
"Then why are we here?" Nick asked.
“That's what I want to know," Howie said and emerged from the closet. Howie glared at AJ and twisted something black and sparkly in his hands. AJ could tell Howie was wishing it was his neck. Nick reached out to grab it from Howie’s hand but Howie was too quick for that shit and pulled it away in time.
“You’re wearing that to dinner?” Nick asked, his hand still out as though Howie’d suddenly change his mind and hand the shirt over.
“Maybe,” Howie sniffed. “I haven’t decided.”
AJ raised his eyebrows.
“No,” Howie stammered, suddenly seemingly paranoid to have them standing in his bedroom watching him. “No, I’m not wearing this.” He shoved it into Nick's hands and then disappeared back into the closet. Nick shut the door after him.
“AJ, what am I doing here?’
"I don't really know what you're doing here," AJ said.
Nick poked AJ in the chest and then shoved the sparkly shirt in AJ's hands. "You think I'm so stupid," Nick said. "You're trying to set me up with Howie! Brian said you might."
AJ made a noise as though Nick's suggestion was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "What? I don't - Brian's such a fucking traitor."
"I don't want you to set me up with Howie," Nick said. "I don't want Howie."
"Ouch," AJ said, and pressed the sparkly shirt to his chest.
"Howie is straight," Nick said as though he really couldn't believe that he had to state something so fucking obvious.
AJ shrugged. "That's debatable. Listen, I just figured if we - meaning Brian and I - tried to talk to him again. He won't listen to me and he sure as hell won't listen to you, but everyone listens to Brian and Kevin.”
“No one listens to Kevin.”
“Okay, well, I listen to Kevin and everyone listens to Brian, so maybe if Brian just tells him that this is a really really really bad idea he’ll understand and -“
“Howie's happy. Leave him alone.”
“Guys?” Howie said from inside the closet.
“How can he be?! Howie. Is. Gay!” AJ hissed and he knew he was acting like Nick, but he was talking to Nick so maybe this was the way to get his point across. He stomped his feet on the floor. “He wants dick! He wants, I don’t know, You!" Nick opened his mouth to protest again. "Or somebody else who is not you!” AJ added quickly.
Nick took a deep breath. “Dude,” he said and put a hand on AJ’s shoulder. “Calm down.”
“I’m calm,” AJ said, and knocked Nick's hands away.
“Guys?” Howie said again.
“What?” AJ snapped.
“Can you guys open the door? Please?”
“You open it.”
“I’m trying,” Howie grunted. “It sticks and there’s no handle in here. And is Nicky leaning on it?”
“Oh,” Nick said, and jumped away from the door. He yanked it open and Howie punched him in the arm. “Ow.”
"Leigh is downstairs in the driveway," Howie said and pulled a sports jacket over the cream shirt he'd chosen.
"How do you know?" Nick asked and peered in the closet, for windows, or so AJ assumed.
Howie waved his cellphone at Nick.
"Oh."
"She said there's a camera man and bunch of cars and she didn't want to come in if there was some kind of scene or fight happening."
"You brought a camera man?" AJ asked and looked pointedly at Nick.
Nick shrugged. "He's waiting in the car."
"I'm leaving," Howie said. "Don't burn my house down. Turn on the alarm when you leave. And you better be gone when I get back."
"Bye, Howie," Nick said. They stood in Howie's bedroom and listened to Howie's feet on the stairs, to the front door shutting and the sound of a car horn.
AJ looked around.
"No," Nick said and grabbed AJ's arm, pulling him out of Howie's bedroom and toward the stairs.
"You don't even know what I was going to do."
"You were going to ransack Howie's room for like gay porn of something, dude. Do you know how messed up that is?"
AJ sighed and let Nick lead him down the stairs and into the front hall. "Sometimes it freaks me out that you know me as well as you do."
"It freaks me out that you don't know me enough to know that I would not want to do anything sexy with Howie ever," Nick sniffed.
AJ stopped paying attention to Nick's whining and glanced out the front window. "That guy actually is waiting in your car."
"I know," Nick said. "I told him to."
"And he listened. Huh."
Nick punched some buttons on Howie's alarm and then went to open the front door, stopped with his hand on the knob. "So like, how come you didn't freak when Kevin or Brian got hitched?"
"Because Kevin and Brian aren't gay, Nick," AJ said, and he really couldn't believe he had to explain this again.
"Are you jealous or something?"
"Of what?" AJ asked. "Of Howie?" AJ had been close to the altar. AJ had been really really close and he'd fucked it up. "No, I’m not - I mean, Sarah and I, that was a long time ago. I'm not jealous of Howie."
Nick nodded and opened the front door, letting AJ walk out onto the porch before closing it behind him and making sure it was locked. The camera guy picked up his camera, steadied it, and started filming Nick and AJ on Howie's front porch.
"I want to be edited out of this episode," AJ said and nodded toward the camera man, smiled.
"Come on," Nick sighed. "You all suck, you know that? E! is going to bitch about this."
"I don't care," AJ said, and waved to the camera. "I'll see you later, Nicholas."
Nick slapped AJ on the back and started toward his SUV. Halfway there he turned around and pointed at AJ. "I meant are you jealous of Leigh," he said, and then jogged the rest of the distance to his car.
AJ stood on Howie's front porch, his hands on his hips and watched Nick and his barnacle pull out of the driveway. "Jealous of Leigh?" AJ repeated.
**
"I was thinking vests, of course," Howie said. "Maybe, you know, that match the bridesmaid dresses. Um, for the wedding party. Not for me. I'll wear a vest too, but it won't be purple. Unless - do you think it should be purple?"
"Purple," AJ repeated.
"Leigh chose purple," Howie explained. "We like purple."
"Queens like purple."
"What?" Howie asked and held up a vest for AJ's opinion. "I don't get it."
AJ shook his head. "Purple's the color of royalty, is all."
"After we're done here Leigh wants us to meet her to check out some china that she likes." Howie shoved a vest into AJ's hands. "Try this on."
AJ looked at the vest. "Are you happy?"
Howie pushed a tux at AJ. "No. We're not doing this here. I'm happy, AJ. You know that Leigh is a great girl. A great girl."
"And she loves you," AJ said. He dumped the tux that Howie's handed him on another rack and picked up a different one, waving it at Howie and adding it to Howie's stack.
"And she loves me," Howie agreed. He touched the lapels of the tuxedo that AJ chose.
"And the sex is good?" AJ asked. "Like 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' good?"
"Um," Howie said. He set down the stack of tuxedos and his face turned a little red.
"What?" AJ asked. "It's not?"
"We haven't - I mean, we've, you know, been intimate, but we haven't - Leigh has this thing. All of her previous relationships have fallen apart and she thinks maybe it's because the relationships were so focused on sex, which makes sense, really. She wanted - she wants - we decided to let the relationship develop on its own, you know? Emotionally, mentally, and hold off on the physical stuff until we really knew what we wanted and what it would mean. I mean, not all the physical stuff. Just the um, the big one."
"Howie," AJ said, and he didn't mean to sound disappointed or disapproving and he didn't want to come off like he thought Howie was delusional, but really. "You're waiting to have sex until you're married."
"We're waiting until we're ready," Howie amended.
"You don't want to have sex with your fiancée."
"No," Howie said. "I do."
"Howie," AJ said, and he knew he'd said it before, but there was no way he couldn't say it now. "You're - are you sure you're not gay? You're sure Leigh's not gay?"
Howie sighed. "I'm getting married. Will you just shut up and help me pick out tuxedos?"
**
Brian took a bite of the salad, chewing quietly. He poked at a tomato and then speared it with his fork and set it aside. He wiped his mouth with his napkin, sipped his Coke, and then looked up at AJ.
"Why are you watching me eat?"
AJ looked down at his untouched sandwich and then back at Brian. "Did you wait until marriage with Leighanne?"
"For what?" Brian asked and poked a little more at the tomato.
"For sex, asshole."
Brian made a face and then laughed, surprised. "No."
"I didn't think so."
Brian picked up his fork and then set it back down. "Come on," he said. "You know I didn't. Why are you asking me this?"
AJ shrugged. "Howie and Leigh? Yeah. They're waiting."
Brian seemed to think about this for a second and then said. "Good for them."
"He says it's her idea, but man. You know why."
Brian shrugged. "Maybe they have an arrangement. They seem kind of happy to me."
"You don't have a problem with the fact that their marriage will be a lie?"
Brian shrugged again. "If they're being honest with each other than it's not a lie. Maybe they are, AJ. Being honest with each other."
"Then why won't they be honest with us?" AJ asked and flicked a slice of pickle with his finger.
"Because it's none of your business?" Brian suggested.
"Howie's my friend," AJ said. "Also, I don't think they've told people yet. I mean, like public people. I don't think the engagement is public."
"He's my friend too," Brian shrugged. "And I think that if there is something Howie wants us to know then Howie will tell us. Until then, I think Howie seems happy. It was a surprise, yes. I agree. But Howie seems happy and therefore I am happy for him."
AJ crumpled his napkin and dropped it on his food. "You always always have to be so fucking reasonable. I hate that about you, you know?"
**
"AJ," Howie said, shortly after getting in the car. "I wanted to talk to you."
"Yeah?" AJ asked. He pulled out of Howie's driveway and headed toward Nick's house.
"I know things haven't been - things have been kind of weird with us," Howie started.
"Yeah," AJ agreed. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I'm getting married," Howie said.
"Yes," AJ agreed. "I know."
Howie nodded and then was quiet.
After a minute AJ nodded too and turned up the radio.
"I'm getting married," Howie said again as AJ pulled into Nick's driveway.
"You're getting married," AJ said. He put the car into park and then pulled out his cellphone to call Nick. Honking the horn didn't seem to work anymore.
"I'm getting married," Howie said a third time. "And you're - You're my friend. I know that you don't, for some reason, you're not happy for me. I know that, AJ. But you're my best friend and I want you to be there. I want you to be my best man."
"Oh," AJ said and snapped his cellphone shut. He wasn't that surprised that Howie would want him - them - in the wedding. He'd kind of thought that Howie would choose his brother as a best man. Nick, maybe. Not AJ. Not after everything. "I'm - I'm happy for you. I really am, Howie."
He wasn't unhappy for Howie. He was worried. Howie and Leigh, it just didn't add up to AJ. It didn't add up to Brian either, though for some reason Brian had decided to stop admitting to that fact. AJ'd never seen Howie and Leigh as any sort of serious relationship. He'd seen them as friends, casual. Okay, AJ really had seen her as a beard. And even while choosing ridiculous off the rack tuxedos and talking about strange abstinence choices, AJ never gave an actual wedding much thought.
But maybe Brian was right. Maybe Howie really was as happy as he said that he was with Leigh. Maybe this really was what Howie wanted. What Howie really wanted. AJ had to be happy for him. Howie'd found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he'd asked that person to marry him. And now he was asking AJ to be the best man. Best man.
"I'm happy," Howie said. He reached over and squeezed AJ's knee. AJ placed his hand over Howie's for a moment and then moved it back to the steering wheel. "AJ."
AJ shook his head. "Of course I'll be your best man, you idiot."
Howie laughed. "I wasn't sure."
"You're such a fucking moron," AJ said and then he laughed a little too, wiped his right eye with the back of his hand. "You thought I'd really say no?"
Howie leaned forward and looked at AJ. "Was that a tear? You're crying?"
AJ slapped him. "I'm happy for you, okay? We should call Nick."
"You've always been a giant sap," Howie said and then reached over and honked the horn a few times.
**
AJ paced the men's room, glad there was no one else there. He'd been gone a while. Someone, probably Brian, would come looking for him soon.
He stopped and looked in the mirror, blinked at his reflection.
"I'm fucking jealous," he said. "Fuck."
**
AJ found Nick spread out across his bed.
"Nick," AJ said, and Nick jumped in surprise.
"You're in the house," Nick said. He looked around, most likely to see if there was a camera guy lurking somewhere.
"I am," AJ agreed. He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his flip-flops.
"Why?"
"I've kinda gotta talk to you," AJ said.
"Here?"
"I was kinda hoping we could leave here," AJ admitted.
"Can't," Nick said.
AJ looked around. "Why not? You're not doing anything."
"It's in my contract," Nick said. "I have to be here, like, a certain number of hours a day or week or whatever and I'm going out with Brent and Drew and Marcus tonight, so I have to be here now."
"Drew and Marcus? Are you like paying them? Think you're going to get mobbed?"
"No," Nick said. "For fun."
"Our bodyguards agreed to hang out with you by choice?"
"You hang out with Marcus sometimes," Nick pointed out.
"But Marcus likes me," AJ said. "The bodyguards all hate you."
"They do?"
"Of course they do," AJ shrugged. "You're a jackass, man."
"Fuck you," Nick said. "What do you want anyway?"
"I want to talk to you without cameras," AJ said.
Nick shrugged. "Too bad."
"Nick," AJ snapped and the name sounded like a curse. He grabbed Nick's ankle and pulled. Nick squeaked and landed on the floor.
"Come on," AJ said, and dragged Nick into Nick's closet, shutting the door behind them. "Are there cameras in here?"
Nick huffed and refused to answer AJ and then finally crossed his arms over his chest, leaned against the door and said, "No."
AJ looked around. Nick's clothes were thrown all over the place, and there were some undoubtedly dirty underwear on the shelf right next to AJ's head, but there wasn't any sign of cameras and AJ decided Nick was probably telling the truth.
"I think I might have feelings for Howie," he said.
Nick chewed on his finger nail and eyed AJ.
"Well?" AJ said.
Nick shrugged. "Brian and I guessed this a week ago. Kevin agrees. I think even Howie probably knows."
"Howie doesn't know," AJ said.
Nick shrugged again, the fifteen zillionth time in the last fifteen minutes. It made AJ want to slap him. Except that slapping was kind of girly. Kind of Howie, really. Punch. It made AJ want to punch him.
"What's that?" AJ asked and mimicked Nick's shrug.
"Nothing," Nick said. "Just you're kind of obvious. You've been following Howie around and telling him he's gay and talking about the time you had sex with him, which is just gross by the way. I mean, Howie would have to be pretty stupid not to figure it out."
AJ squinted. "So you all think Howie's really straight."
"Nah," Nick said. "I don't know. Brian thinks he's gay but has chosen not to be, and I guess that's okay with Brian as long as Howie's happy and Brian thinks Howie seems happy. I think he's just Howie. He's always been strange. Kevin doesn't give a shit as long as you stop calling him and freaking out on his answering machine."
"You guys are all discussing this and yet I ask for help and Brian sends you instead and you bring cameras and Kevin won't even talk to me. This is fucked up. I feel like I'm you."
"I don't get it," Nick said.
AJ looked around the closet again. "I know you don't." Nick had several dresses hanging in the back of his closet. AJ didn't even want to know.
Nick was smiling when AJ looked at him again. "What?"
"We're in a closet," Nick grinned. "You're in the closet."
AJ sighed and pushed Nick away from the door. "I hate you. That contract thing was complete bullshit, wasn't it. You don't have to be here right now."
"Yes."
"I hate you," AJ said again.
"You love me," Nick called from the closet as AJ left his room.
"I really don't!" AJ yelled back and then blocked the lens of the camera guy he passed in the hallway. "And I want to be edited out of this episode!"
**
"AJ," Howie said, walking into his living room from wherever he was in the house. AJ was lounging on the couch, flipping stations on Howie's TV.
"Yeah?"
"When did you get here?"
AJ looked at his watch. "Half an hour ago."
"Well, make yourself comfortable," Howie said.
AJ smiled and shifted on the couch. Howie shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around at his own living room. Probably wondering why he ever gave AJ a key to the place. Eventually he sighed and sat heavily in a large leather chair, staring straight ahead. AJ knew that Howie could tell that AJ's eyes were on him. Howie was refusing to look back.
AJ continued to watch Howie. He tried to suppress his smile. Howie was chewing his bottom lip now, eyes firmly glued to the television. The fingers of Howie's right hand tugged a little at his jeans and then scratched at the arm of the chair instead. It was pretty fucking adorable, and AJ could feel it. His smile had become a fucking dumbass cheesy grin. AJ hated himself.
Howie coughed and then turned to AJ and AJ wiped the smile from his face and looked concerned.
"You okay?" AJ asked. "Your face is a little red."
Howie frowned and rubbed absently at his cheek. His face wasn't actually red at all.
"I've been thinking," Howie started.
"'Bout what?" AJ cut in. There was no arguing that Howie was endearing in his own cute dorky way. There were plenty of men and women who wanted to fold Howie up, put him in their pocket, and bring him home with them.
AJ was positive that he could not be one of those people.
He didn't go for cute. He went for loud and garish. He didn't go for subtle charm or quirky good looks. He went for in your face. It simply did not make any sense to AJ that he would have feelings for someone like Howie. He wasn't sure what those feelings were. He thought that he remembered the sex being awesome, but he was trashed and high and he had a feeling that the sex was probably pretty awful. Maybe AJ was mistaking what was happening here for jealousy, for feelings. AJ loved Howie, there was no question about that, but it seemed improbable that AJ was in love with Howie. Maybe AJ just -
Howie blinked at him, confused. It was pretty fucking cute. AJ's mouth twitched and he tried not to start smiling again.
"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" Howie asked. He climbed out of his chair and took a few steps toward the hall.
"You're fun to look at like that," AJ said.
Howie moved to stand behind the couch, his hands leaning on the back beside AJ's head.
Howie looked down at AJ and started again. "I was thinking -"
"The sex was really bad, wasn't it," AJ said. It wasn't a question.
"What sex?" Howie asked, clearly surprised and suddenly a little defensive. His hands curled back off the couch.
"You and me."
Howie sighed. "AJ - it was. I don't remember."
AJ nodded. "I do, but I don't think I remember it right."
"It probably wasn't very good," Howie agreed. He scratched his fingers through the hair at the back of AJ's neck, like he was scratching a pet or something. AJ leaned into it. "Awkward, probably."
"Yeah."
"Listen," Howie said. "I don't want you to throw me a bachelor party, okay? I just - it just occurred to me what a bachelor party thrown by you would be like, and I definitely do not want one. Okay?"
AJ shrugged. It was almost as though Howie'd been thinking about it too. The large boobs and the black eyeliner. Loud laughter and quick tongues. Howie knew he wasn't compatible with AJ's usual menu.
Fuck, that sounded awful.
"AJ." The phone rang and Howie started backing out of the room, but he continued to give AJ a warning look.
AJ huffed and turned back toward the television. "What? You're saying you don't like Playboy bunnies? Girls jumping out of cakes? Howie, it's practically un-American. Or at least pretty -"
Howie threw something and hit AJ in the back of the head.
"Ow," AJ said, rubbed the back of his head, and peered over the edge of the couch. "A magazine? Nice. You're definitely getting a bachelor party now, dude. Sickest bachelor party ever. Nick will be hung over for days."
**
AJ continued to knock until his knuckles started to burn and then he pulled out his cellphone and called.
"What?" Kevin asked after the second ring.
"Finally," AJ said. "I'm at your front door. Your car is here. Open it already."
"I have more than one car."
"I know you're here. I'm going to come through a window. Did I do something to piss you off?"
"I'm really not there, actually," Kevin said. "Kris and I are on our way home though."
"I'm going to wait," AJ said.
"Are you okay? You can - I think one of the windows in the kitchen is unlocked. You'll have to jump the back gate but -"
"I'll just wait here," AJ sighed.
**
Kristin rushed to AJ as soon as the car pulled into the driveway. Kevin actually waited until he parked it and then walked over at a normal pace. They ushered AJ inside, shoved a glass of iced tea in his hand, and parked him at a stool in the kitchen.
"What happened?" Kristin asked, concerned.
"What did you do?" Kevin asked, and folded his arms over his chest. That was more like it.
"It's not me, really," AJ started. He sipped the iced tea. It was unsweetened and he set it back down on the counter. "It's Howie."
Kevin gestured toward AJ and looked at Kristin. "I told you. You almost got us a speeding ticket and I told you it was going to be about this."
Kristin shrugged.
"Do you two want some privacy?" Kristin asked, and it was pretty fucking obvious that she knew every detail of what had been happening as narrated to her by Kevin who had had the story filtered down to him by Brian and Nick, who were liars anyway. There wasn't really much point in Kristin leaving now.
"Howie's gay," AJ said. "And I want him."
Kevin nodded. "Howie might be gay," he said. "And I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" Kristin asked. She was petting the back of AJ's neck almost exactly like Howie had a few hours earlier.
Kevin shrugged. "Because. Howie's engaged. He's planning to go through with it. It can't be easy for AJ."
"I'm going to tell him," AJ said. He pulled away from Kristin's touch. It was calming and he didn't want to be calm.
"That you want him?" Kevin asked. "You think that's going to get through to Howie? 'You're gay and I want you'? He'll probably punch you and promote Nick to his best man, AJ."
"I'm not going to tell him I want him," AJ said. "I'm going to tell him I'm in love with him."
"Are you?" Kristin asked.
"I think so."
"That sounds better than 'I want you'," she agreed. "Less selfish."
Kevin sighed. "He's going to push you away, AJ. I don't think that you shouldn't do this. I mean, I know that you feel that you have to. And if that's how you feel then I think you should. But he's going to push you away. I want you to be prepared."
"He's going to push me away because he knows he's lying to everyone," AJ said. "He's lying to himself, even. You know I'm right. The whole wedding thing is ridiculous. I don't even think the dude's bisexual. Then it would make a little sense, but come on, Howie? Leigh's been his beard for years and now he's marrying her? That's not right. And it's not like - I don't know where he ever got the idea in his head that this was something that he had to hide from everyone for forever, but no one will care!
"I mean, sure, some people will be pissed and he'll get some assholes who say shit, but look at Lance Bass. He's happy! Howie's fake-happy. Howie's not even sleeping with his fiancée. Howie thinks that if he admits to himself and everyone else who he really is then his career will go down the tubes and he'll lose all of his fans and all of his friends, and that's bullshit. He's what? Practically 40 now? He should be settling down with some gorgeous sexy guy in some big sexy house on the beach or whatever. He should be saying 'fuck everyone else! This is who I am and you just wish you were having as much fantastic sex as I am!' He should not be planning a fake wedding to a girl he's afraid to touch. And I know I'm not some gorgeous sexy guy, so don't even say it."
"I wasn't going to," Kevin said.
"You had that look."
"I was just going to point out to Kristin that if Howie's forty now, you must think we're ancient."
"That wasn't the point."
"I know."
"I should go back over there now," AJ said. He stood from the stool, ignoring Kristin's hand on his shoulder.
"You should think about it for a while," Kristin suggested. "You can stay here."
"I have to do it now," AJ said. "I know that I'm right."
"Maybe," Kevin conceded. "Maybe you're right. But he's going to push you away."
part 2