Fic - Popslash - The Closet - 2/2
The Closet, pt. 2
Nothing else had gotten through to Howie. Telling him he was gay didn't work. Obviously. Setting him up with Nick, that pretty much backfired before it got out the starting gate. And then there were a bunch of other half formed plans that AJ never even got to set into motion because suddenly he wanted Howie for himself. He was going to get Howie drunk, get him in a club, get him all worked up with a bunch of men dancing all over him, send him home with one of them. The idea made him a little sick now. Or a little aroused. He couldn't decide. He was going to sit Howie down with some porn. Slip some gay porn in the middle. See if it suddenly got more interesting for Howie. He was going to take him to an AA meeting and then make some heartfelt speech about admitting things. He was going to trick Brian and Kevin into actually having that confrontation with Howie. Now he wasn't going to do any of that. It was all crap anyway.
Kevin had learned a long time back that it wasn't a good idea to hand out house keys to your band mates. Howie never learned that lesson and AJ barged right in. Again.
"You're back," Howie said. He smiled, but the smile slipped a little when AJ didn't stop walking. He walked right up to Howie and gripped Howie's shoulders. "AJ."
AJ let Howie set down his cup of coffee, and then he turned Howie back toward him.
"What are you doing?" Howie asked.
"I love you," AJ said.
Howie tried to pat AJ's side, but it was awkward with AJ holding him in place. AJ realized it was probably a little weird, gripping Howie like this. He let go.
"I love you too, man," Howie said. He was nervous. He knew that that wasn't what AJ had meant.
"I'm in love with you," AJ corrected.
"No you aren't," Howie said. He shook his head and tried to smile. His hand was shaking a little.
"I love you," AJ said. "I'm in love with you. I want you."
Howie backed away. He turned and when he looked at AJ again he was angry.
"You're an asshole, you know that? This whole thing? It's bullshit, AJ. It's one thing if you think - you can think I'm gay all you want. You can think whatever you want and that's fine. I thought you'd get over it, you know? I thought you'd like try to get me drunk and then have a bunch of guys hit on me or something. I thought you'd make me watch porn. I didn't think you'd stoop this low. I didn't think that you were this desperate to fuck everything up for me."
"I'm not trying to fuck anything up," AJ said.
"I can't resist you," Howie said, rolled his eyes. His hands flopped at his sides, which AJ recognized as one of Howie's sarcastic gestures. "You're just so sexy and bad and now that I know you want me, I can't believe it! You're right! I'm gay!"
"No," AJ tried to explain. "That's not what I'm doing. I'm in love with you."
"Ha!" Howie said and it felt like a slap. He started pushing AJ toward the front door.
"Howie," AJ said. "Stop it. Come on."
"I need you to leave," Howie said. "So I can come to terms with my gayness. I just can't concentrate with you in the room being so sexy."
AJ pushed Howie's hands off him, and then turned to look at Howie, his mouth open.
"What now?" Howie asked. AJ wanted to be mad, but underneath the anger, Howie actually looked really hurt.
"I'm sorry," AJ said.
Howie shrugged.
AJ stepped out onto the porch.
"I don't need you to pretend you want me, AJ," Howie said. "Leigh actually does."
**
"Ouch," Kevin murmured.
"He doesn't need me to pretend to want him," AJ repeated, picking at a sandwich that Brian had made once Kevin agreed to let him loose in the kitchen.
AJ had been there for an hour
"He doesn't need me to pretend to want him," AJ said again. "What does that mean?"
"He thinks you're an asshole?" Nick suggested. AJ wasn't sure why Kevin had decided to call Brian and Nick. Especially Nick.
"How could he think I would do that?"
Nick opened his mouth, but shut it when Kevin shot him a look.
Brian cleared his throat.
"What?" AJ asked.
"You were going to set him up with Nick," Brian pointed out. "It's sort of the same thing, in a way. I mean, sort of."
"But I didn't!" AJ protested. "You know what? I don't think I'm even in love with Howie. Maybe he's right. I mean, maybe I just got caught up in the whole thing."
Nick made a noise and then looked from Brian to Kevin and refused to look at AJ. Brian's phone rang. He looked at the number and then pulled his face into an expression of surprise and guilt and hopped out of the room. "I'll be right back."
"What was that?" Nick asked.
"Baylee's probably terrorizing Leighanne," Kevin said.
"I think you're totally in love with Howie," Nick offered.
It wasn't comforting, but Nick was trying and so AJ said, "Thanks, man."
Nick nodded and gripped AJ's shoulder.
"Okay," Brian said when he returned to the living room. He was holding his coat. "I've gotta run."
"Leighanne?" Kevin asked.
Brian shook his head, looked from AJ to Kevin and said, "Howie."
AJ stood up. "I'm coming with you." He knew it was a horrible idea, knew it even as he said it, even before Kevin made a noise and Brian held up a hand.
"Let me talk to him," Brian said.
AJ sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Brian wasn't offering to make a case for AJ. He was going to go and listen to Howie and rub comforting circles on Howie's back, but maybe, after Howie was finished tearing AJ apart Brian could just - "Try to say some good things about me."
Brian shrugged and then nodded and grabbed his jacket from a nearby chair. "Gotta go," he sang, and then he was gone.
"You're totally in love with Howie," Nick said again.
**
AJ didn't really expect Brian to help him out. Brian thought that Howie was happy and that AJ was taking it too far and fucking things up. Brian was probably right.
AJ fidgeted and reached into his pocket for his cellphone. It had been hours and no word from Brian or Howie. Kevin slapped his hand away.
"I don't miss you, you know" AJ said.
Kevin laughed, not believing it for a second. AJ had never been a very convincing liar.
Kristin heated up some leftover lasagna and they sat around Kevin's dining room table and talked about basketball and some television show and AJ didn't care about any of it, couldn't care about it because he couldn't stop wondering how to fix things with Howie. He was glad they were there, and he smiled and nodded as Kristin talked about the things her doctor had told them to try that would help them get pregnant. She was trying to keep his mind off Howie and it wasn't working, but he loved her for trying.
"Do you think it would help if I told him that he was right?" AJ asked, "That I was lying? Messing with him?"
"No," Kevin said immediately. "Not unless it's the truth."
They ate in silence after that and eventually Nick dropped his fork onto his plate, belched, and said, "I have to go. They'll get pissed if they find out I'm hiding out here."
"You're hiding out?" Kristin asked.
Nick shrugged. "It's quiet here. I mean, except for AJ. But anyway, I promised I'd take Rob to McDonald's on the way back."
"Who's Rob?"
Nick shrugged again and nodded toward the door. "He's part of the crew."
AJ shook his head. "You did not bring another camera guy."
"I have to."
"You've been here like - you've been here hours!"
"He's getting paid," Nick protested.
"Not enough," Kevin said.
AJ pointed at Nick. "It's exactly this sort of thing that's the reason the bodyguards all hate you."
Nick rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I asked Marcus about that and he said you're full of shit just like always."
"You pay his bills," Kevin pointed out. "He's lying."
**
Eventually AJ went home, fell asleep on his couch, and nearly fell off when his cellphone rang. It was Brian, calling to tell AJ that he'd talked to Howie, that Howie wasn't as angry with AJ anymore, that Howie was still getting married. AJ said "yeah," a lot and wished that Nick was there to say things that didn't matter, but helped anyway, to rub his shoulder and fetch him a soda from the fridge. Nick was good at that. AJ fell back asleep shortly after hanging up the phone and didn't wake up again until he heard a knock at the front door.
He figured it'd be Nick and planned to make some crack about Nick's psychic ability, about how he hoped Nick had brought beer even though Nick wouldn't think that one was funny.
It was Howie.
"I hope you brought beer," AJ said anyway.
Howie frowned. He didn't think it was funny either.
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Can I -?" Howie gestured and AJ stepped aside to let Howie by. Once inside, Howie didn't seem to know what to do next, shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared at AJ's floor.
"Listen," AJ said, when he couldn't stand the silence a second longer. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to mess things up for you, man."
Howie nodded. "Brian said you were pretty upset about the whole thing."
AJ shrugged.
"You're not -" Howie stopped, reached out and gripped AJ's arm, before pulling away again. He walked a few steps toward the living room and then stopped and finished, "You're not actually in love with me."
"Dude," AJ sighed.
"You're not."
"Are you telling me?" AJ asked.
"I'm not gay, AJ," Howie said. AJ felt like he'd had the conversation so many times now. He wasn't sure he could stand to have it again.
"Okay," AJ said. "I’m not either."
Howie nodded. "I know. Listen, I still want - I mean if you're still willing. I still want you in the wedding."
AJ sighed, rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know, man. I don't know if I can - maybe you'd better have Nick do it at this point?"
"AJ," Howie said. He shook his head, looked like he was going to step toward AJ, maybe hit him, and then seemed to think better of it and pulled AJ into a hug instead. AJ tucked his face into Howie's neck and wondered when the hell things became so fucked up. He couldn't be Howie's best man, that much he knew. He'd be in the wedding, but he couldn't be the best man. He couldn’t make a speech and toast the happy couple and act like he didn't think there were ten billion things wrong with the marriage at the start.
"Brian would make a great best man," AJ offered. "He's made for this sort of thing."
"I want you," Howie said, and AJ knew that he meant in the wedding. He wasn't a complete moron. But he closed his eyes and hugged Howie a little tighter and pressed his lips to Howie's neck.
"Please," Howie said, and with AJ's eyes closed he could imagine that Howie was finally coming to his senses, wasn't still asking about the wedding. AJ kissed his neck then, lightly touched his tongue to the warm skin and felt Howie jump against him. "Wha -" Howie started, but AJ's eyes were still closed and when Howie started to pull away, AJ leaned in and kissed him. On the mouth this time. Quick, and a little dirty, taking advantage of Howie's surprise. But that was it. AJ's eyes were open and he couldn't pretend anymore. He stepped away.
"Sorry," AJ said, and his voice cracked a little. He cleared his throat.
Howie stared and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"I didn't mean to -" AJ started, but stopped. It was a lie anyway. "Do you want a glass of water?"
Howie didn't say anything, but nodded and follow AJ to his kitchen. AJ pulled two bottles of water from the fridge and plopped one down on the counter beside Howie. He kept meaning to stop using it - bottled water, but he hadn't been able to make himself give it up just yet.
Howie took a large gulp and then said, "Maybe you're right about Brian."
AJ nodded.
"Or Nick."
"Nick would probably love it if you asked him," AJ agreed.
"I'll ask Nick," Howie agreed. He took another sip of his water and then set it back on the counter. "I've gotta get going."
"Okay," AJ said, and followed Howie back to the front door. He leaned against the door, watched Howie shuffle onto the porch, and then said, "I'm really sorry. Again. I shouldn't have done that."
"It's okay," Howie said. He shuffled his feet a little against the wood of the porch.
AJ shook his head. "I'm not making things easy for you, I know that. And dude, I'm sorry. I'll drop all of this. I will."
Howie nodded, stood there on the porch staring at his sneakers, and then said, "Thank you."
AJ shrugged. He didn't really want to be thanked for this. "Sorry," AJ said a third time.
Howie smiled then and shook his head. "Stop it," he said.
"Sorry?"
Howie laughed, stepped back off the porch, pulled AJ in and kissed his cheek. "I'm not traumatized for life," Howie said. "I promise."
AJ laughed. "It's not like it was the first time, right?"
Howie shook his head, his hand sliding from AJ's shoulder to the back of his neck. It felt intimate, but it wasn't, AJ knew.
That is until Howie leaned in and kissed AJ's mouth. Once, quick, then twice, and when AJ made a sound in his throat, trying to work himself up to protest, Howie kissed him a third time, longer, pushed AJ back into the house.
AJ gripped Howie's shoulders and said, "D," but was cut off by Howie's mouth, lips insistent against his own. He went with it. He didn't know what else to do. Which was - well, it was a fucking lie, AJ knew exactly what else to do, but the kiss was good, the kiss felt right, and AJ wasn't about to do anything to stop it. He moaned into Howie's mouth, pulled at Howie's shirt. Howie was pushing at him, pulling, licking at his teeth, tongues stroking. And then AJ felt his back hit the wall. He knew it was coming, but he was there faster than he'd expected and his teeth hit Howie's lip and Howie jumped back and covered his mouth with his hand. He looked away.
"Dude," AJ said. It wasn't the right thing. You weren't supposed to say 'dude' after something like that. But AJ was never really any good at saying the right thing, and usually stuck with saying the first thing instead. And the first thing that popped into AJ's head was the word dude. "Dude," he said again. "There was nothing about that that was awkward."
"No," Howie agreed. He refused to look at AJ. He didn't need to though. He'd just admitted it all right there. The sex the first time wasn't bad. It was a good as AJ remembered it being. Howie'd just been lying to him.
"Howie," AJ started. "We're - I know what I just said. I know. But I really think we'd be good to -"
"I need to think," Howie said, holding up a hand for AJ to stop. "I just - give me some time, okay?"
And then he was gone.
**
"Where's Howie?" Nick asked, plopping into AJ's car.
"Dunno," AJ said. "Sick. Hungover." He didn't want to tell Nick about what had happened, not yet. He had a feeling that he'd pushed Howie too far. That Howie hadn't planned the kiss, that Howie was regretting the whole thing. He'd almost called him, told Howie he was off the hook, that AJ knew it had been a mistake and there were no hard feelings. But he didn't. He'd let Howie think things over. He wasn't that unselfish.
Nick's cellphone rang and he looked at the ID before huffing a little and shoving the phone back into his pocket.
"You're not going to answer it?"
"It's Brian," Nick said. "He's called three times in the last 15 minutes. Are we really that late?"
AJ shrugged. "Bout average for us, really."
"He's worse than Kevin," Nick grouched.
AJ shrugged, and turned up the radio.
**
The paper read “Backstreet Boys in Gay Tryst, Carter disgusted.”
‘I’m gonna barf,” Brian read, and his attempt at a higher pitched Nick Carter voice went completely unappreciated by Nick or AJ. Howie was apparently already in hiding. AJ'd received a text message early asking him not to bother picking Howie up. AJ'd assumed he was just uncomfortable and confused, but now it seemed that angry was probably more like it.
AJ just shrugged. “You know what? Who cares?”
Nick looked at him. “They want me to go to homophobia rehab. What the hell is that?” He grabbed the paper from Brian’s hand. “Oh,” Nick said suddenly. “Oh!”
“What?”
“We said this in my house!”
“Yeah,” AJ agreed. He’d realized what the article was about the second he saw the headline.
“Oh God. But wasn’t I grossed out by Aaron?” Nick asked. “That’s like, you’re supposed to be grossed out by that!”
“Yeah,” AJ agreed again, and Nick’s face went pale when he looked up at him.
“Howie’s never going to forgive me!”
“At least they didn’t actually air the clip,” Brian offered. "I mean, what is this? The National Enquirer?" He grabbed the paper. "Oh, Star? No one reads this. Or believes it anyway."
“Oh my God,” Nick repeated. "I have to get that clip back."
“Howie knows this isn’t your fault,” Brian insisted.
“Can I sue someone? There must be someone I can sue,” Nick scrambled.
“You know what?” AJ cut in. “Don’t bother.”
“What, why?”
“It’s not false, really. I mean, I’m kind of gay sometimes. I slept with Howie. You were grossed out a little. There’s nothing wrong with it. I would sleep with Howie again if I had the chance. And it doesn't matter. Howie's getting married." Howie was definitely getting married. "He can just make the engagement public. That'll fix things."
Nick's phone rang and he checked the number. "Oh God," he said. "It's Kev." He looked like he was contemplating ignoring the call, then thought better of it, snapped his phone open and said, "Listen. I didn’t know there were cameras there!" He walked out into the hallway.
"So," Brian said, and he tried a smile. "Does this mean I get to be best man now?"
**
"You're kidding me," AJ said, keeping his voice hushed in the restaurant. He listened to Brian make all kinds of excuses and tried not to hang up on him in anger.
When Brian finally stopped talking AJ said, "You guys are a bunch of assholes, you know that?"
Brian started to make excuses again and this time AJ actually did hang up the phone. Not so much because he was angry at Brian, though he really really was. Mostly it was because Howie had just walked into the restaurant. He smiled at AJ and sat down in the opposite seat, looked at the two empty chairs and said, "Where is everyone?"
"Who?"
“Brian and Nick. Brian's late?"
"I don't think they're coming," AJ mumbled.
"I thought this was supposed to be a group thing."
“Brian got last minute tickets to a Lakers game. Baylee is sick. He took Nick with him instead. It's a load of bullshit. Do you want to reschedule?”
Howie shrugged and looked a little put out. "I can eat dinner with you. Do you want to reschedule?"
AJ scanned the restaurant and noticed the same thing he'd noticed when he'd looked ten minutes ago. Two guys in the corner drinking beers, their cameras sitting on the table. They seemed to be ignoring Howie and AJ.
“Maybe they’re here for someone else,” Howie suggested, following AJ's gaze. "We don't really get followed that often anymore as it is."
AJ nodded. He'd thought a lot about what he could say to Howie when the time came. He'd thought about groveling and paying for Howie's honeymoon and putting a counter article out there denying everything in the first one. He'd thought about saying he was drunk, on drugs, didn't know what he was saying. Maybe even check himself back into rehab if it came to that. He'd thought about rerecording the entire album and giving Howie all of his solos (which wouldn't have worked at all, but Howie might have appreciated the gesture). When it came time he didn't offer to do any of that. Instead he said, "I have a big mouth." Sometimes the truth was by far the easiest.
"Yeah," Howie agreed, even smiled. "Always have."
"You know I didn't mean for that to happen."
Howie waved a hand, dismissive. Howie was taking this fifteen billion times better than AJ had expected. Howie was sitting and having dinner with AJ, which was more than AJ was hoping for in the first place, really.
"Listen," AJ said, and leaned closer across the table. "Let's forget that all of this, right? Let me throw you an engagement party. We'll invite the press. Announce the engagement."
Howie frowned and poked at the napkin in his lap. "An engagement party?"
"Why not? It's perfect. They post a story saying you're gay, you throw a big bash and tell everyone you're engaged. To a woman."
"I don't know. I mean, it's a nice idea. I just don't think we're ready, you know?"
"You're picking out tuxedos and china," AJ pointed out.
"AJ," Howie sighed.
AJ shrugged. "Sure. Okay."
Howie ordered a glass of wine and downed it in two large gulps before ordering another. Their food came and they ate in silence, somewhat awkwardly, until Howie put down his fork, finished his second glass of wine and said, "I think it will just blow over."
AJ shook his head. Howie was probably right, but he still thought that Howie should just announce the engagement now, get it out there.
"Maybe," AJ agreed.
"Nick's getting his lawyers involved," Howie said. "I told him not to bother."
AJ nodded. "I did too. It was my fault."
Howie shrugged. "It'll blow over," he said again.
**
"What happened?" Nick asked, when AJ picked up his phone. He was on his way home from the restaurant. He'd wanted to invite Howie to come over, thought they'd maybe be able to talk more if they weren't in public, but he hadn't known what to say, didn't want Howie to say no if he did ask, and eventually he just kind of waved and said he'd see Howie in the studio. It was lame.
"What do you mean?" It sounded like Nick was still at the game.
"At dinner," Nick said. "How did it go?"
"I don't know," AJ said. "It went okay. He didn't leave when he found out you assholes bailed. I told him he should just make the engagement public. He didn't seem to think that was a good idea. But I think it went okay."
"You told him what?" Nick asked and then there was some cheering and some shuffling, and it sounded like Nick might have dropped the phone and stepped on it. Eventually, just as AJ was turning onto his street, Brian said, "You told him what?"
"To make the engagement public," AJ said. "It would help him."
"He didn't tell you?" Brian asked.
"Tell me what?"
There was more shouting on the other end of the line and then Nick was back.
"Listen, I can't talk," Nick said. "I've got Rob here."
"Who's Rob?" AJ asked.
"Camera guy. Brian's making us blur him out. At a basketball game. He's an asshole. Brian, not Rob. Sorry. Rob thought I meant him. - yes, you did, dude. I could tell by your face. AJ?"
"Still here," AJ said. He was pulling into his driveway.
"Brian says to meet us at Kevin's tomorrow at six."
"Why?"
"I don't know, I'm not the one inviting you. I've gotta go. I'm missing the game."
**
AJ showed up at Kevin's house at ten after six. Nick's car was in the driveway. There was amazingly no camera guy inside. AJ hoped that that didn't mean that he was in the house.
Kristin answered the door and hugged him. "Come in," she said. "Nick and Brian are here."
"What's going on?"
"Not sure," Kristin smiled. "No one tells me anything."
"Sure," AJ said and hugged Kristin. "Don't tell me. I see how it is."
"Howie's here too," Kristin said.
AJ looked back at the driveway. "What, did they all teleport?"
Kristin laughed. "I think they came with Nick."
AJ walked into the house and nearly ran right into Nick. "Speaking of -"
"Hey, buddy," Nick said and half hugged AJ.
"Hey, buddy?" AJ asked. Something was going on. Nick was horrible at making things seem normal when they weren't, and calling AJ 'buddy' was not normal.
"What's going on?" AJ asked again.
"Nothing," Nick said. "Howie told me that you kissed him."
"Yeah? Is Howie here?"
"Yeah," Nick said. "Hey, I want to show you something." He led AJ toward the coat closet, stood in front of it hemming and hawing for a moment and then, just as AJ started to become even more suspicious, Nick shoved him into the closet and shut the door.
"What the hell," AJ said and went for the door knob. It was locked.
"Be right back!" Nick shouted, his voice a little farther away.
"I hate him," AJ mumbled and looked around. The closet was large and held all kinds of coats and shoes and boots. Eventually AJ found a light switch. He fiddled with the doorknob again and then sat on a box that said 'xmas wreaths' and waited.
He must have sat there for five minutes before he heard movement outside.
"Help, help," AJ muttered. "Nick when nuts and locked me in a closet." He knew very well that this wasn't Nick's brainchild and he'd be getting no help from the other fellas. Nick was just the muscle. It sounded like they were arguing on the other side of the door and then the door knob rattled. AJ stood from the box, crossed his arms over his chest and waited.
"You know -" AJ started, taking a step forward when the door opened. Instead of being released, however, he was shoved further into the closet, stumbling over the box he'd been sitting on. The door slammed shut again. "What the hell."
"Hi," Howie said.
"Don't be a chicken shit, Howard," Brian called from the other side of the door. "Spill."
"Chicken shit?" AJ asked. Howie was looking at the floor and rubbing his arms.
"Sorry," Howie said.
"Do you know what's going on? I have my cell. Want to call the police on them? It'll be funny."
Howie smiled. "Nah."
"It smells in here," AJ sniffed. "I think it's Kevin's shoes."
"Well?" someone, it sounded like Nick or Brian, said from the other side of the door. "I don't hear you talking!" It was definitely Nick.
Howie glared at the door and then said, so quickly that AJ wasn't even sure he could make out the words, "I'm not getting married."
AJ looked up. "What?"
"I'm not engaged," Howie said, and then added, "anymore."
"What?" AJ asked again. He'd heard that time, but he didn't think he could have heard right.
Howie looked at a stack of umbrellas and shrugged.
"I'm sorry," AJ said.
Howie nodded and shrugged again.
"It wasn't - it wasn't because of me, was it?" AJ asked. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to -"
"No," Howie said awkwardly. "It was me and Leigh. It wasn't because of you."
"Okay," AJ said.
"Okay," Howie agreed.
AJ wasn't sure what to do. He opened his arms to hug Howie and then stopped, dropped them at his side and nudged the box of wreaths with his toe. It was quiet on the other side of the door. Who kept a lock on their coat closet anyway? Only Kevin. AJ leaned into a rack of coats. Howie didn't look like he was finished talking, but he wasn't saying anything anymore either.
"Maybe we can get a pizza delivered in here," AJ speculated, just to break the silence.
Howie nodded, seemed to think about it, and then said, "I don't care about the article."
"You don't?"
"Not really," Howie said. "I mean, I do, but it's Star. It's not like it's Newsweek or the cover of People."
AJ nodded. "I thought you might think I'd done it on purpose."
"I wondered," Howie admitted. "That was why I talked to the fellas." He gestured toward the door. "Mistake, apparently."
"What bullshit did Nick have to say about me?" AJ asked.
"He said you loved me."
"Oh," AJ said. "Yeah."
"Kevin said that you weren't messing around and Brian said he wanted me to be happy. I want me to be happy. So I told Leigh about the kiss." Howie waved an arm toward the wall of the closet to indicate that he'd meant the kiss against the wall in AJ's house. AJ hadn't forgotten the kiss.
"And she called it off?" AJ asked.
"No," Howie said. "She was actually okay with that. She said she knew it didn't mean anything. That was when I called it off. And then she said that it made a lot of sense, me being gay, and that she couldn't believe that she hadn't realized earlier. She was upset."
"Why did you do it?" AJ asked.
Howie didn't answer. Instead he closed the distance between them, kissed AJ's cheek. He looked like he was planning to kiss AJ's mouth, but changed his mind at the last second. It was a little awkward standing so close together in the closet. AJ thought about saying something tasteless, something about being best man, and then thought better of it.
"You were right," Howie said.
"I know," AJ agreed, and he decided to screw awkward and leaned in to kiss Howie again, actually kiss him, but Howie took a step back before he could.
"You were right about the sex, AJ," Howie clarified and AJ blinked. That wasn't what he expected.
"What about it?" AJ asked.
"It was pretty much the best sex I've ever had," Howie admitted. "Which I've always thought was pretty sad, seeing as I was drunk and you hardly even remember it. You didn't remember the next morning, you know. You didn't remember that until a couple weeks later."
"I know," AJ said. "It wasn't a good year for me."
"I know," Howie agreed. "I didn't plan to kiss you but I did and I just - I remembered how much I miss you. I didn't even know I missed you. Not like that. And then, right after that there was the article, and I was mad. Not because I really thought you might be trying to ruin things for me, I wondered but I knew you wouldn't do that. Not that. I was horrified and pissed that it meant you and I would never have another shot, not now, not with cameras suddenly watching for it. And it scared me. That I would worry more about that than I would how it affected me and Leigh, you know? Which was when I knew I had to call if off. So, um, I did."
"Oh," AJ said. It was stuffy in the closet. AJ was having a hard time breathing. He didn't like it, didn't like what Howie was saying. "So I guess that's it then."
"What?" Howie said. "No, no. I don't care about the article anymore. That's - I mean, I don't want that to be it. Unless you do."
"No," AJ said, and this time Howie did kiss him, actually kissed him, pushed him into the rack of coats so that they were surrounded, and Howie's mouth and Howie's hands roaming, gripping AJ's arms, holding on like Howie had been waiting for this, counting the minutes until he would be able to kiss AJ. AJ decided to pretend that was true. He liked the thought. And then the closet door opened, and Howie didn't stop, just made a noise of protest and continued the kiss.
"Oh," Brian said. "Okay."
"Oh, gross," Nick exclaimed. "Shut them back in there."
The door shut again and AJ let go of Howie. "We aren't locked in anymore," AJ pointed out.
"Yeah," Howie agreed.
"We could get out," AJ said.
"We could," Howie agreed. His hand was absently tracing the tattoos on AJ's arm. There was a small happy smile playing at Howie's lips and AJ wanted to kiss that smile, mess up Howie's hair, taste Howie's skin. He pulled a little at the bottom of Howie's shirt. "Kevin probably wouldn't like it if we -"
AJ nodded. "We should probably get out of his closet."
Howie considered and then started to take off his shirt. "Let's stay a while."