Fic - Popslash - The First Time
Written in response to a prompt from bubbleforest waaaay back in June.
Howie/Brian
PG-13
The First Time
2001
The first time, Brian didn't really think much of it. It seemed natural. They were all upset, worried about AJ. Kevin and Nick cried, Brian prayed, and Howie - well, Howie didn't seem to know what to do. He mostly stood there and fidgeted, fussed about things that didn't really matter at that moment, made business calls. Afterward, once AJ was on the plane to Arizona and the fellas were all back at the hotel, Brian went to check on Howie, worried about how he was really handling the whole thing.
"I'm okay," Howie said, and fidgeted about his hotel room. "There's enough to worry about. You don't need to worry about me. I'm fine."
"I know," Brian said. Howie liked to make sure that no one was ever worrying about him. Howie never wanted to impose. "Come here," Brian added and held out his arms.
"I'm really okay," Howie insisted. "I don't need a hug."
"Well, I do," Brian admitted, and closed the distance between them, pulled Howie into his arms. He felt Howie resist, and then sigh heavily and settle against Brian.
"Thanks," Howie said after a few moments, his voice muffled in Brian's shoulder. Brian didn't hug Howie much. Howie didn't really seem to like hugging, seemed to really like his personal space. Nick could care less and forced himself on Howie anyway. But physically, Howie had always been closest with AJ. And now, with AJ somewhere over New York or Pennsylvania, Brian thought that physical closeness was exactly what Howie needed. And really, Brian wasn't lying when he said that he needed it too.
"Um," Howie said eventually, patted Brian's back awkwardly. "You can let go. If you want. I'm okay now. Really."
Brian didn't let go, not completely, but he did pull away, just far enough so that he could look at Howie again.
"Okay," Howie said again. Brian wasn't sure what it meant. If it was Nick he would have known. He'd have known if it was AJ, but with Howie Brian was sometimes just not sure.
Brian had known Howie eight years and he'd only seen him cry once. He thought he could probably count the times he'd hugged Howie, really hugged him, on two hands.
"We should hug more," Brian said.
Howie squinted at him, looked like he wanted to squirm away.
"Why?"
"I don't know," Brian shrugged. "I guess - I don't know. I like hugging you."
"Brian," Howie sighed.
"We should spend more time together," Brian added. Eight years and sometimes he had no idea what was going on in Howie's head.
"I - you don't have - " Howie started, and then shook his head and said, "Okay."
"Okay," Brian agreed. He smiled at Howie, and continued to stand there, smiling and holding Howie within arms reach until Howie smiled back. Howie, probably because he knew Brian well enough to know the game, eventually did. "Thanks," Brian said, and before Howie could protest, before he could pull away, Brian leaned in and kissed Howie softly on the lips.
2003
The second time that it happened was ridiculous, frankly. Mostly because it started with alcohol and ended with Nick insisting on having a detailed discussion on different types of vomit. The fact that Nick was there at all shouldn't have been surprising. Nick had a knack for getting Brian in all kinds of trouble.
For the first few hours, it looked like it was going to be an ordinary night out. For Nick and Howie anyway. Though perhaps not for them either, because Brian was with them, and Brian was known to be a party pooper and rarely ever came out to the bar anymore, but it had been a long day in the studio, his wife was on the other side of the country, and AJ had some weekly poker match to go to, so when Nick said, "We're going out. Come with us, dawg" Brian had agreed.
He'd tried to convince Kevin to go. Kevin was up for these things more often than Brian. But Kevin had just smiled indulgently and patted Brian's back and said, "I'm going to bed. You have fun for me."
Nick spent the first few hours hitting on girls at the bar. Howie and Brian watched from a booth, but it could only be watched for so long before it became kind of pathetic and gross. Brian rolled his eyes and turned to Howie. "Man, you've gotta be glad I agreed to come along."
"Yeah," Howie agreed and took a sip of his - Brian didn't actually know what Howie was drinking but it was clear and the one drink that Howie was allowing himself to have. Howie was designated driver, which had pissed Nick off royally - he asked why they didn't just call a car six times on the way to the bar.
"So," Brian said, and sipped his beer. It was his third. "Tell me something about you that I don't know."
Howie made a face. "I've known you for ten years, Brian. What's left to tell?"
Brian kind of thought there was probably a lot. "I'll tell you something that you don't know."
Howie didn't look like he was buying it. "Okay."
"My deep dark secret," Brian said, and leaned in conspiratorially. He lowered his voice. "Once I shaved my legs."
Howie snorted. "That's your deep dark secret? That's pretty sad, you know. And anyway, I knew that, moron. You made us feel you up afterward."
Brian sighed. "Well, they were nice, weren't they? Soft."
"Sure," Howie agreed.
"Your turn."
"I don't know," Howie sighed. "I really love the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I saw the first one the night it opened. I stood in line."
Brian's mouth dropped open and he slapped the table. "See! I did not know that!"
Howie smiled. "And now your life is complete."
"I think it might be," Brian agreed. He reached out and brushed a hand against Howie's cheek, grinned and knocked Howie's shoulder, tried to pretend the face touching wasn't weird. He was Brian. He touched people randomly. It actually wouldn't have been weird if Brian hadn't gone out of his way to think about how it wasn't.
He'd intended to prod a little more, uncover some additional Howie trivia. He'd been serious when he'd said he wanted to spend more time with Howie, and for a while they did. While AJ was in rehab, Brian flew down to Florida twice, stayed at Howie's house, spent time with Howie's friends. But then the tour started again, and things got busy and Leigh got pregnant, and before Brian knew it two years had flown by and Brian didn't feel like he was any closer to Howie than he'd been two years ago.
Brian didn't get a chance to continue the Howie trivia game, because Nick was back, sliding into the booth and sliding an arm around Brian's shoulders. He set another beer in front of Brian and nodded appreciatively as Brian downed the bottom of the one he'd been working on. Nick was back, and it wasn't long after that that the trouble started. This time, Nick didn't believe that Brian ever in a billion zillion years (yes, he actually said billion zillion) would have the balls to kiss a dude.
"I have kissed a dude," Brian said, even going so far as to mock the way Nick had said it, the dude high-pitched and long.
"Oh, yeah right," Nick said and nudged Howie for support. Howie just rolled his eyes. Nick grunted. "Sober Howie in a bar is never any fun."
"I kissed Howie once," Brian said. He ignored Howie when Howie started shaking his head no.
Nick turned to look at Howie again and then looked back at Brian. "When?"
Brian shrugged. "A few years back."
"Why?"
"None of your beeswax," Brian said, and took another sip of his beer. "When have you ever kissed a dude?" Brian had already decided he was going to keep using Nick's high pitched version of dude for at least a month. Baylee was sure to get a kick out of it.
"Shut up," Nick said. "I don't believe you for a second."
"I can do it again if you want," Brian offered, and then laughed at the look of horror on Howie's face.
Nick snorted. "No thanks, man."
Brian shrugged and finished his beer, had another.
Later in the parking lot he did do it again, he'd been thinking about it almost constantly since he'd brought it up. He climbed into Howie's car and after a moment of Howie tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, waiting for Nick to gather his things and say his goodbyes, Brian leaned over and pressed his lips to Howie's, smiling at Howie's surprised gasp as Howie released the wheel. The kiss was sloppy and there was tongue and Brian was sad to admit it was probably a pretty bad kiss. Howie flopped back into the driver's seat when Brian released him. Eventually Howie turned and said, "Shit. How drunk are you?"
Brian reached over to pat Howie's cheek for the second time in one night. He'd meant to say something good and thoughtful and cheesy, but instead he said, "Thanks. For being DD, man. D. Thanks for being DD, D." He was drunk so it was pretty funny.
Howie stared across the car at him like he'd gone insane, didn't look away until Nick lumbered into the back seat. "About time," Howie grunted and started the car. He turned back to Brian. "If you throw up in my car, I'll kill you."
"I'm not that drunk," Brian said.
"You taste like a frat party," Howie disagreed. Brian wondered if Howie had ever been to a frat party. Howie probably actually had.
"This one time," Nick said. "I barfed and it was like fluorescent -"
Brian turned up the radio.
"Are you going to be okay?" Howie asked, pulling to a stop in the parking lot of Brian's apartment. It had been iffy for a few moments on the ride home. Not because Brian actually was that drunk, but because Nick didn't stop talking about vomit for at least ten minutes.
"Sure," Brian said. He thought about it a moment and decided he didn't really feel like thinking and just said it instead. "You want to stay awhile?" He wasn't thinking that - he wasn't planning to kiss Howie again, but he'd enjoyed their conversation earlier, wished that they talked more instead of just joking around and writing songs and singing all the time.
Howie shook his head. "Not tonight. It's not a good -" he gestured to Nick, passed out in the backseat. "I should get him home."
"Yeah," Brian agreed. He slid out of the car.
"Yeah," Howie repeated.
2005
The third time that it happened, or didn't happen, Brian started to worry a little. They were on the road constantly. Leighanne and Baylee came out for a month or two at a time, but most of the time Brian was on his own. Brian took it as a perfect opportunity to spend some much needed time with Howie. Howie, however, was a social butterfly.
"What are you doing after we're done here?" Brian asked, sitting on a stool backstage beside Howie. Howie was poking at his blackberry and jumped a little when Brian spoke.
"Um," Howie said. "I'm not sure. There's this club that I've been meaning to -" Brian must have made a face or something because Howie shook his head, sighed, and said, "You want to catch a movie or something?"
"Yeah?" Brian asked. "You're sure?" He'd been trying to get Howie to spend some extra time with him a lot lately, but Howie always had something else going on, some club he was going to, some friends he had to meet. It was the first time Howie'd changed plans for him.
"Sure," Howie said. He smiled, and Brian grinned back, squeezed Howie's knee.
They didn't catch a movie. One look at Howie's blackberry revealed that there wasn't really anything playing that they wanted to see. Instead they went to this café that Kevin had always liked, went to every time they were in town, for sandwiches and coffee.
"So," Howie said. "You're lonely, I guess?"
Brian might have blushed a little. He definitely looked down into his coffee before he said, "Yeah. A little."
Howie nodded. "What? A few more weeks and they'll be back, right?"
"That's the plan," Brian sighed.
Howie smiled. "You'll make it."
"And in the mean time I get to spend more time with my favorite bandmates."
Howie's face scrunched up as he looked around. "I don't see AJ here."
"Hey," Brian said. "I love you all equally."
"Sure, you do," Howie grinned.
"Thank you," Brian said. "For spending time with me."
Howie shrugged. "You're my brother, you know. I love you, man."
Brian nodded and looked away. Not because he didn't believe Howie or because he didn't want Howie to say it. He looked away because he sort of wanted to kiss Howie. Not really kiss inappropriately, but kiss, and they were in Kevin's favorite café in Chicago that Howie didn't especially want to come to with Brian in the first place.
"We could go to that club," Brian suggested. "If you still want to."
Howie eyed him. "You don't want to go to a club."
"No," Brian said. "I do. I mean, it'll probably be fun. Clubs are one of those things. Not fun when you think about them but usually pretty fun once we get there. You could call the fellas. It could be fun."
Eventually he convinced Howie that he really did want to try out a new club with him. Nick wasn't answering his phone, and Kristin had just flown in so Kevin was indisposed, but they got AJ to agree to meet them there. But first, Brian made the mistake of asking Howie if his clothes were all right.
Howie gave him a once over and then said, "I guess. Well, let's change. You can wear my stuff."
Which was how they ended up at Howie's hotel room with Howie rooting through drawers throwing clothes at Brian.
"Try this on," Howie said.
"You actually put away your clothes? Still?" Howie'd always done that back when they shared hotel rooms. Brian just figured he would have gotten over it, lived out of his suitcase like the rest of them. He pulled the shirt over his head and then held his arms out at his sides, turned. Howie shook his head and Brian laughed. "Next?"
"Next," Howie agreed.
"See," Brian said, pulling the shirt back off. "This is fun. We never do this."
"That's because we don't actually wear the same size clothes," Howie pointed out.
"Well, okay," Brian said. "But it's not like we're trying to put me in Nick's clothes here. We're almost - I didn't really mean the clothes thing anyway."
"I know," Howie said, and handed him another shirt. It was brown and soft. It felt good against Brian's skin and Howie watched him slide it on, watched him adjust it a little and then nodded and said, "Okay. That one. Let's go."
In the car Brian thought about it again. The shirt, Howie, the café, and the last time they'd kissed, sloppy, wet, and drunken. At the club he downed his first drink, gulped down half a second and raised his glass to liquid courage.
"Thirsty?" AJ asked and plucked at Brian's shirt, raised his eyebrows.
"Howie's," Brian said.
"I could tell."
"It looks weird?" Brian asked and looked down at the shirt. He liked it.
"It doesn't look weird," AJ said and crossed his arms over his chest. He shrugged. "It just looks like it's Howie's."
Brian shrugged in return and finished his drink.
"Didn't we already do this?" AJ asked and leaned against the bar.
"Do what?"
"Get drunk and kiss Howie?"
Brian nearly dropped his glass. "What -? How did -?"
AJ ordered two glasses of water and said, "Don't do it."
"I wasn't going to," Brian said, defensive. He wasn't going to. He was thinking about it. It wasn't the same thing.
"Okay," AJ said. "I'm just saying. You can't be that lonely. Not lonely enough to hurt someone."
"It's not - I just don't spend a lot of time with Howie, you know?" Brian asked. "It's like - it feels special."
"It's not special," AJ said and pushed a glass of water toward Brian. "You're drunk and lonely. It's not special."
"I'm not drunk," Brian argued. He really wasn't.
"Let's go back," AJ said and ignored Brian. "I'll tell Howie we're leaving."
Brian wasn't drunk. That was sort of the problem. The next morning Brian was still thinking about it, drinking coffee with AJ and Kevin. They were talking about golf (well, he and AJ were. Kevin looked bored out of his mind) and every so often Brian would think about it, calling Howie, talking to Howie, kissing Howie. That was when he started to worry that it was a problem. Because he wasn't drunk. He wasn't drunk and he kept Howie's brown shirt. He kept the brown shirt and later he folded it and placed it in the bottom of his suitcase. It was then that he decided that he had to tell Leighanne.
2008
The divorce was finalized two weeks before the end of the Unbreakable tour. On the night that the divorce was official, Brian went out to dinner with Nick and Howie. AJ had a new girlfriend and was taking her to some sort of show that night. An opera or a ballet. The title sounded like it could be either. Probably opera though. AJ loved opera.
They'd been separated a little over a year - Brian and Leighanne. Brian had been on tour for most of the separation. Baylee came and toured with them off and on, but he always came with Brian's mother, or Kevin, or AJ's mom. Leighanne never came. It would have been awkward. She was already seeing someone, some actor that Brian had never heard of. She was planning to move to LA, keep an apartment in Atlanta to be close to her family. She could afford it. Brian hadn't wanted a pre-nup and even if he had, he wouldn't have argued. He loved her still, really. He just wasn't in love with her.
Toward the end they'd both cheated, though Brian was the first to admit it. Her name was Rachael. She was short, cute, brunette. She worked for their manager and the affair lasted two weeks and ended three days before Brian told Leighanne. Only later did she admit that she'd had a two month affair a few years earlier, then an encounter with a mutual friend. She left Brian, but it was time and they both knew it.
"How does it feel?" Nick asked, pushing Brian's beer toward him, trying to get Brian to drink. "Now you're an old bachelor like me and Howie. Well, like Howie."
"It doesn't feel too bad," Brian admitted. He'd had an entire tour to get used to it. Two legs, and then the European tour too. They still spoke. They might even end up friends. Or almost friends anyway. "Not too bad," he repeated.
Howie was quiet, sipping a glass of wine and checking his cellphone periodically.
Back at the hotel afterward Howie knocked on Brian's door and said, "Remember that night at the bar?"
"No," Brian admitted. He stepped aside and let Howie into the room. There had been a lot of nights at a lot of bars over the years. Well, not a ton, but it sort of depended on how far back they were going. If they were including Germany, then yeah, quite a few.
"I wanted to tell you something that you don't know about me," Howie said. He shut the door and leaned back against it. It looked like he was already trying to leave, slip back out into the hallway and disappear.
"Oh, that night," Brian smiled. "I liked that night. Your secret was lame though."
"No," Howie said. "I mean that I have something to tell you now."
"What's that?"
"Um, you might already know this - I mean, you probably do, but you might not. I've never just come out and said it - so I'm going to now."
"Okay."
"I'm gay," Howie said.
"Oh." Brian was surprised. "I did know that. I mean, we don't really talk about it, but I'm not - I knew that."
"I know you know that," Howie said. "I wasn't finished."
"Oh, okay. Sorry."
"We don't hang out a lot," Howie continued.
"I also knew that," Brian said, just because he couldn't help himself. "We should though."
"I kind of - I push you away," Howie admitted. "And I don't mean to, not really. I used to think it was because I felt uncomfortable that you might judge me or something. Wait - no, don't talk." Howie pushed himself away from the door and took a few steps into the room, held up a hand for Brian to stay quiet, close his mouth. "I know that was stupid. I do know you, Brian. It was an excuse to make things easier for me."
"I don't understand," Brian said.
"It's - I don't know how to say it, really. Um. I've kind of had a thing for you," Howie said, his cheeks going red. "Since um, '97ish, probably."
Brian blinked. "Oh. Wow."
"And um, yeah. So that's why I never really - that's why we don't hang out a lot."
"You're kidding," Brian laughed. He sat in a large chair and looked up at Howie. "That's why? That's why you don't like me to hug you and you keep backing out when plans just involve me?"
"Pretty much," Howie agreed.
"For eleven years," Brian said. "Eleven?"
"Off and on, yeah."
"Wow," Brian repeated and shook his head. "That's, um, that's a really long time."
"Yeah," Howie agreed. He fidgeted a little and then sat on the couch opposite Brian. "Not like - it sort of went through phases. I mean - it's not like I've been obsessed with you or like, I don't try to look at you naked or - oh God."
"Okay," Brian said, mostly because he wasn't sure what else to say.
"I'm sorry, I'm creeping myself out," Howie said and wiped a hand across his face. "It's not - you're probably so freaked out right now. I'm sorry."
"Howie," Brian said. He pushed himself out of the chair and sat on the bed beside Howie. He thought about hugging Howie and then thought about how Howie had never really liked hugs and set a hand on his shoulder instead.
Howie looked at Brian's hand and said, "Maybe I should go."
"No," Brian said. He gripped Howie's shoulder a little, just to keep him there. "I'm not creeped out. I promise."
"This is weird," Howie admitted. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"Why now?"
"Now just - it never felt like the right time before."
"I mean, are you over me now?" Brian asked.
Howie seemed to think about it a little. "I don’t know. I mean, I try not to think about it. No."
"I told Leigh that I had a thing for you once," Brian admitted. He was thinking about it now, kissing Howie. He wasn't going to do it, but he was thinking about it. Howie had a nice mouth. Soft. "I kept your brown shirt."
"That's not why -"
"No," Brian said. "That's so not why."
"Good."
They were both quiet after that. Brian felt weird, sitting there quiet with his hand on Howie's shoulder, not really sure what to do.
"I'm going to go," Howie said. He stood up before Brian could stop him. "I just thought I should tell you."
"I'm glad," Brian said. He stood too. "That you told me, I mean."
Howie nodded and moved toward the door. Brian followed him. Howie touched the doorknob and then stopped, turned quickly and almost knocked right into Brian.
"You had a thing for me?" he asked.
"I think so," Brian agreed. He smiled a little, but it was nervous, didn't really reach his eyes. "I think about kissing you. Sometimes."
"Oh," Howie said. He touched the doorknob again and then said. "I'm going to - can I kiss you now? Is that okay?"
Brian opened his mouth to say something, say yes, but Howie didn't actually wait for his question to be answered. Howie was already leaning in and when their mouths met their teeth knocked a little, their noses bumped.
"Ow," Brian said, laughed just a bit.
Howie mumbled an apology and then leaned in again and this time Brian was ready, his eyes falling shut at the first touch of Howie's lips against his own. It was the third time they'd done this, but it felt completely different. This kiss wasn't sloppy or drunken or comforting. It wasn't do relieve loneliness and it wouldn't induce guilt. The kiss made it worth it, the years during which they were friends, brothers, but not really that close. The kiss promised that now, finally, they could close that gap, fill that space, get to know each other. Finally. Brian's hands moved up to Howie's shoulders, touching, lightly caressing, fingertips touching the exposed skin along the neckline of Howie's shirt. His hands finally came to rest, cupping Howie's face, keeping Howie close so that Brian's mouth could make promises too.
Brian wasn't sure how long it lasted. It was probably only seconds, but his body ached and his heart was pounding and he held on to Howie for support when Howie tried to move away. Brian's eyes were still closed when he sighed and said, "Wow. Good first kiss."
"That was our third kiss." Howie always liked to be right.
"First," Brian disagreed. He leaned in until his forehead rested against Howie's. "That definitely felt like a first."
Howie/Brian
PG-13
The First Time
2001
The first time, Brian didn't really think much of it. It seemed natural. They were all upset, worried about AJ. Kevin and Nick cried, Brian prayed, and Howie - well, Howie didn't seem to know what to do. He mostly stood there and fidgeted, fussed about things that didn't really matter at that moment, made business calls. Afterward, once AJ was on the plane to Arizona and the fellas were all back at the hotel, Brian went to check on Howie, worried about how he was really handling the whole thing.
"I'm okay," Howie said, and fidgeted about his hotel room. "There's enough to worry about. You don't need to worry about me. I'm fine."
"I know," Brian said. Howie liked to make sure that no one was ever worrying about him. Howie never wanted to impose. "Come here," Brian added and held out his arms.
"I'm really okay," Howie insisted. "I don't need a hug."
"Well, I do," Brian admitted, and closed the distance between them, pulled Howie into his arms. He felt Howie resist, and then sigh heavily and settle against Brian.
"Thanks," Howie said after a few moments, his voice muffled in Brian's shoulder. Brian didn't hug Howie much. Howie didn't really seem to like hugging, seemed to really like his personal space. Nick could care less and forced himself on Howie anyway. But physically, Howie had always been closest with AJ. And now, with AJ somewhere over New York or Pennsylvania, Brian thought that physical closeness was exactly what Howie needed. And really, Brian wasn't lying when he said that he needed it too.
"Um," Howie said eventually, patted Brian's back awkwardly. "You can let go. If you want. I'm okay now. Really."
Brian didn't let go, not completely, but he did pull away, just far enough so that he could look at Howie again.
"Okay," Howie said again. Brian wasn't sure what it meant. If it was Nick he would have known. He'd have known if it was AJ, but with Howie Brian was sometimes just not sure.
Brian had known Howie eight years and he'd only seen him cry once. He thought he could probably count the times he'd hugged Howie, really hugged him, on two hands.
"We should hug more," Brian said.
Howie squinted at him, looked like he wanted to squirm away.
"Why?"
"I don't know," Brian shrugged. "I guess - I don't know. I like hugging you."
"Brian," Howie sighed.
"We should spend more time together," Brian added. Eight years and sometimes he had no idea what was going on in Howie's head.
"I - you don't have - " Howie started, and then shook his head and said, "Okay."
"Okay," Brian agreed. He smiled at Howie, and continued to stand there, smiling and holding Howie within arms reach until Howie smiled back. Howie, probably because he knew Brian well enough to know the game, eventually did. "Thanks," Brian said, and before Howie could protest, before he could pull away, Brian leaned in and kissed Howie softly on the lips.
2003
The second time that it happened was ridiculous, frankly. Mostly because it started with alcohol and ended with Nick insisting on having a detailed discussion on different types of vomit. The fact that Nick was there at all shouldn't have been surprising. Nick had a knack for getting Brian in all kinds of trouble.
For the first few hours, it looked like it was going to be an ordinary night out. For Nick and Howie anyway. Though perhaps not for them either, because Brian was with them, and Brian was known to be a party pooper and rarely ever came out to the bar anymore, but it had been a long day in the studio, his wife was on the other side of the country, and AJ had some weekly poker match to go to, so when Nick said, "We're going out. Come with us, dawg" Brian had agreed.
He'd tried to convince Kevin to go. Kevin was up for these things more often than Brian. But Kevin had just smiled indulgently and patted Brian's back and said, "I'm going to bed. You have fun for me."
Nick spent the first few hours hitting on girls at the bar. Howie and Brian watched from a booth, but it could only be watched for so long before it became kind of pathetic and gross. Brian rolled his eyes and turned to Howie. "Man, you've gotta be glad I agreed to come along."
"Yeah," Howie agreed and took a sip of his - Brian didn't actually know what Howie was drinking but it was clear and the one drink that Howie was allowing himself to have. Howie was designated driver, which had pissed Nick off royally - he asked why they didn't just call a car six times on the way to the bar.
"So," Brian said, and sipped his beer. It was his third. "Tell me something about you that I don't know."
Howie made a face. "I've known you for ten years, Brian. What's left to tell?"
Brian kind of thought there was probably a lot. "I'll tell you something that you don't know."
Howie didn't look like he was buying it. "Okay."
"My deep dark secret," Brian said, and leaned in conspiratorially. He lowered his voice. "Once I shaved my legs."
Howie snorted. "That's your deep dark secret? That's pretty sad, you know. And anyway, I knew that, moron. You made us feel you up afterward."
Brian sighed. "Well, they were nice, weren't they? Soft."
"Sure," Howie agreed.
"Your turn."
"I don't know," Howie sighed. "I really love the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I saw the first one the night it opened. I stood in line."
Brian's mouth dropped open and he slapped the table. "See! I did not know that!"
Howie smiled. "And now your life is complete."
"I think it might be," Brian agreed. He reached out and brushed a hand against Howie's cheek, grinned and knocked Howie's shoulder, tried to pretend the face touching wasn't weird. He was Brian. He touched people randomly. It actually wouldn't have been weird if Brian hadn't gone out of his way to think about how it wasn't.
He'd intended to prod a little more, uncover some additional Howie trivia. He'd been serious when he'd said he wanted to spend more time with Howie, and for a while they did. While AJ was in rehab, Brian flew down to Florida twice, stayed at Howie's house, spent time with Howie's friends. But then the tour started again, and things got busy and Leigh got pregnant, and before Brian knew it two years had flown by and Brian didn't feel like he was any closer to Howie than he'd been two years ago.
Brian didn't get a chance to continue the Howie trivia game, because Nick was back, sliding into the booth and sliding an arm around Brian's shoulders. He set another beer in front of Brian and nodded appreciatively as Brian downed the bottom of the one he'd been working on. Nick was back, and it wasn't long after that that the trouble started. This time, Nick didn't believe that Brian ever in a billion zillion years (yes, he actually said billion zillion) would have the balls to kiss a dude.
"I have kissed a dude," Brian said, even going so far as to mock the way Nick had said it, the dude high-pitched and long.
"Oh, yeah right," Nick said and nudged Howie for support. Howie just rolled his eyes. Nick grunted. "Sober Howie in a bar is never any fun."
"I kissed Howie once," Brian said. He ignored Howie when Howie started shaking his head no.
Nick turned to look at Howie again and then looked back at Brian. "When?"
Brian shrugged. "A few years back."
"Why?"
"None of your beeswax," Brian said, and took another sip of his beer. "When have you ever kissed a dude?" Brian had already decided he was going to keep using Nick's high pitched version of dude for at least a month. Baylee was sure to get a kick out of it.
"Shut up," Nick said. "I don't believe you for a second."
"I can do it again if you want," Brian offered, and then laughed at the look of horror on Howie's face.
Nick snorted. "No thanks, man."
Brian shrugged and finished his beer, had another.
Later in the parking lot he did do it again, he'd been thinking about it almost constantly since he'd brought it up. He climbed into Howie's car and after a moment of Howie tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, waiting for Nick to gather his things and say his goodbyes, Brian leaned over and pressed his lips to Howie's, smiling at Howie's surprised gasp as Howie released the wheel. The kiss was sloppy and there was tongue and Brian was sad to admit it was probably a pretty bad kiss. Howie flopped back into the driver's seat when Brian released him. Eventually Howie turned and said, "Shit. How drunk are you?"
Brian reached over to pat Howie's cheek for the second time in one night. He'd meant to say something good and thoughtful and cheesy, but instead he said, "Thanks. For being DD, man. D. Thanks for being DD, D." He was drunk so it was pretty funny.
Howie stared across the car at him like he'd gone insane, didn't look away until Nick lumbered into the back seat. "About time," Howie grunted and started the car. He turned back to Brian. "If you throw up in my car, I'll kill you."
"I'm not that drunk," Brian said.
"You taste like a frat party," Howie disagreed. Brian wondered if Howie had ever been to a frat party. Howie probably actually had.
"This one time," Nick said. "I barfed and it was like fluorescent -"
Brian turned up the radio.
"Are you going to be okay?" Howie asked, pulling to a stop in the parking lot of Brian's apartment. It had been iffy for a few moments on the ride home. Not because Brian actually was that drunk, but because Nick didn't stop talking about vomit for at least ten minutes.
"Sure," Brian said. He thought about it a moment and decided he didn't really feel like thinking and just said it instead. "You want to stay awhile?" He wasn't thinking that - he wasn't planning to kiss Howie again, but he'd enjoyed their conversation earlier, wished that they talked more instead of just joking around and writing songs and singing all the time.
Howie shook his head. "Not tonight. It's not a good -" he gestured to Nick, passed out in the backseat. "I should get him home."
"Yeah," Brian agreed. He slid out of the car.
"Yeah," Howie repeated.
2005
The third time that it happened, or didn't happen, Brian started to worry a little. They were on the road constantly. Leighanne and Baylee came out for a month or two at a time, but most of the time Brian was on his own. Brian took it as a perfect opportunity to spend some much needed time with Howie. Howie, however, was a social butterfly.
"What are you doing after we're done here?" Brian asked, sitting on a stool backstage beside Howie. Howie was poking at his blackberry and jumped a little when Brian spoke.
"Um," Howie said. "I'm not sure. There's this club that I've been meaning to -" Brian must have made a face or something because Howie shook his head, sighed, and said, "You want to catch a movie or something?"
"Yeah?" Brian asked. "You're sure?" He'd been trying to get Howie to spend some extra time with him a lot lately, but Howie always had something else going on, some club he was going to, some friends he had to meet. It was the first time Howie'd changed plans for him.
"Sure," Howie said. He smiled, and Brian grinned back, squeezed Howie's knee.
They didn't catch a movie. One look at Howie's blackberry revealed that there wasn't really anything playing that they wanted to see. Instead they went to this café that Kevin had always liked, went to every time they were in town, for sandwiches and coffee.
"So," Howie said. "You're lonely, I guess?"
Brian might have blushed a little. He definitely looked down into his coffee before he said, "Yeah. A little."
Howie nodded. "What? A few more weeks and they'll be back, right?"
"That's the plan," Brian sighed.
Howie smiled. "You'll make it."
"And in the mean time I get to spend more time with my favorite bandmates."
Howie's face scrunched up as he looked around. "I don't see AJ here."
"Hey," Brian said. "I love you all equally."
"Sure, you do," Howie grinned.
"Thank you," Brian said. "For spending time with me."
Howie shrugged. "You're my brother, you know. I love you, man."
Brian nodded and looked away. Not because he didn't believe Howie or because he didn't want Howie to say it. He looked away because he sort of wanted to kiss Howie. Not really kiss inappropriately, but kiss, and they were in Kevin's favorite café in Chicago that Howie didn't especially want to come to with Brian in the first place.
"We could go to that club," Brian suggested. "If you still want to."
Howie eyed him. "You don't want to go to a club."
"No," Brian said. "I do. I mean, it'll probably be fun. Clubs are one of those things. Not fun when you think about them but usually pretty fun once we get there. You could call the fellas. It could be fun."
Eventually he convinced Howie that he really did want to try out a new club with him. Nick wasn't answering his phone, and Kristin had just flown in so Kevin was indisposed, but they got AJ to agree to meet them there. But first, Brian made the mistake of asking Howie if his clothes were all right.
Howie gave him a once over and then said, "I guess. Well, let's change. You can wear my stuff."
Which was how they ended up at Howie's hotel room with Howie rooting through drawers throwing clothes at Brian.
"Try this on," Howie said.
"You actually put away your clothes? Still?" Howie'd always done that back when they shared hotel rooms. Brian just figured he would have gotten over it, lived out of his suitcase like the rest of them. He pulled the shirt over his head and then held his arms out at his sides, turned. Howie shook his head and Brian laughed. "Next?"
"Next," Howie agreed.
"See," Brian said, pulling the shirt back off. "This is fun. We never do this."
"That's because we don't actually wear the same size clothes," Howie pointed out.
"Well, okay," Brian said. "But it's not like we're trying to put me in Nick's clothes here. We're almost - I didn't really mean the clothes thing anyway."
"I know," Howie said, and handed him another shirt. It was brown and soft. It felt good against Brian's skin and Howie watched him slide it on, watched him adjust it a little and then nodded and said, "Okay. That one. Let's go."
In the car Brian thought about it again. The shirt, Howie, the café, and the last time they'd kissed, sloppy, wet, and drunken. At the club he downed his first drink, gulped down half a second and raised his glass to liquid courage.
"Thirsty?" AJ asked and plucked at Brian's shirt, raised his eyebrows.
"Howie's," Brian said.
"I could tell."
"It looks weird?" Brian asked and looked down at the shirt. He liked it.
"It doesn't look weird," AJ said and crossed his arms over his chest. He shrugged. "It just looks like it's Howie's."
Brian shrugged in return and finished his drink.
"Didn't we already do this?" AJ asked and leaned against the bar.
"Do what?"
"Get drunk and kiss Howie?"
Brian nearly dropped his glass. "What -? How did -?"
AJ ordered two glasses of water and said, "Don't do it."
"I wasn't going to," Brian said, defensive. He wasn't going to. He was thinking about it. It wasn't the same thing.
"Okay," AJ said. "I'm just saying. You can't be that lonely. Not lonely enough to hurt someone."
"It's not - I just don't spend a lot of time with Howie, you know?" Brian asked. "It's like - it feels special."
"It's not special," AJ said and pushed a glass of water toward Brian. "You're drunk and lonely. It's not special."
"I'm not drunk," Brian argued. He really wasn't.
"Let's go back," AJ said and ignored Brian. "I'll tell Howie we're leaving."
Brian wasn't drunk. That was sort of the problem. The next morning Brian was still thinking about it, drinking coffee with AJ and Kevin. They were talking about golf (well, he and AJ were. Kevin looked bored out of his mind) and every so often Brian would think about it, calling Howie, talking to Howie, kissing Howie. That was when he started to worry that it was a problem. Because he wasn't drunk. He wasn't drunk and he kept Howie's brown shirt. He kept the brown shirt and later he folded it and placed it in the bottom of his suitcase. It was then that he decided that he had to tell Leighanne.
2008
The divorce was finalized two weeks before the end of the Unbreakable tour. On the night that the divorce was official, Brian went out to dinner with Nick and Howie. AJ had a new girlfriend and was taking her to some sort of show that night. An opera or a ballet. The title sounded like it could be either. Probably opera though. AJ loved opera.
They'd been separated a little over a year - Brian and Leighanne. Brian had been on tour for most of the separation. Baylee came and toured with them off and on, but he always came with Brian's mother, or Kevin, or AJ's mom. Leighanne never came. It would have been awkward. She was already seeing someone, some actor that Brian had never heard of. She was planning to move to LA, keep an apartment in Atlanta to be close to her family. She could afford it. Brian hadn't wanted a pre-nup and even if he had, he wouldn't have argued. He loved her still, really. He just wasn't in love with her.
Toward the end they'd both cheated, though Brian was the first to admit it. Her name was Rachael. She was short, cute, brunette. She worked for their manager and the affair lasted two weeks and ended three days before Brian told Leighanne. Only later did she admit that she'd had a two month affair a few years earlier, then an encounter with a mutual friend. She left Brian, but it was time and they both knew it.
"How does it feel?" Nick asked, pushing Brian's beer toward him, trying to get Brian to drink. "Now you're an old bachelor like me and Howie. Well, like Howie."
"It doesn't feel too bad," Brian admitted. He'd had an entire tour to get used to it. Two legs, and then the European tour too. They still spoke. They might even end up friends. Or almost friends anyway. "Not too bad," he repeated.
Howie was quiet, sipping a glass of wine and checking his cellphone periodically.
Back at the hotel afterward Howie knocked on Brian's door and said, "Remember that night at the bar?"
"No," Brian admitted. He stepped aside and let Howie into the room. There had been a lot of nights at a lot of bars over the years. Well, not a ton, but it sort of depended on how far back they were going. If they were including Germany, then yeah, quite a few.
"I wanted to tell you something that you don't know about me," Howie said. He shut the door and leaned back against it. It looked like he was already trying to leave, slip back out into the hallway and disappear.
"Oh, that night," Brian smiled. "I liked that night. Your secret was lame though."
"No," Howie said. "I mean that I have something to tell you now."
"What's that?"
"Um, you might already know this - I mean, you probably do, but you might not. I've never just come out and said it - so I'm going to now."
"Okay."
"I'm gay," Howie said.
"Oh." Brian was surprised. "I did know that. I mean, we don't really talk about it, but I'm not - I knew that."
"I know you know that," Howie said. "I wasn't finished."
"Oh, okay. Sorry."
"We don't hang out a lot," Howie continued.
"I also knew that," Brian said, just because he couldn't help himself. "We should though."
"I kind of - I push you away," Howie admitted. "And I don't mean to, not really. I used to think it was because I felt uncomfortable that you might judge me or something. Wait - no, don't talk." Howie pushed himself away from the door and took a few steps into the room, held up a hand for Brian to stay quiet, close his mouth. "I know that was stupid. I do know you, Brian. It was an excuse to make things easier for me."
"I don't understand," Brian said.
"It's - I don't know how to say it, really. Um. I've kind of had a thing for you," Howie said, his cheeks going red. "Since um, '97ish, probably."
Brian blinked. "Oh. Wow."
"And um, yeah. So that's why I never really - that's why we don't hang out a lot."
"You're kidding," Brian laughed. He sat in a large chair and looked up at Howie. "That's why? That's why you don't like me to hug you and you keep backing out when plans just involve me?"
"Pretty much," Howie agreed.
"For eleven years," Brian said. "Eleven?"
"Off and on, yeah."
"Wow," Brian repeated and shook his head. "That's, um, that's a really long time."
"Yeah," Howie agreed. He fidgeted a little and then sat on the couch opposite Brian. "Not like - it sort of went through phases. I mean - it's not like I've been obsessed with you or like, I don't try to look at you naked or - oh God."
"Okay," Brian said, mostly because he wasn't sure what else to say.
"I'm sorry, I'm creeping myself out," Howie said and wiped a hand across his face. "It's not - you're probably so freaked out right now. I'm sorry."
"Howie," Brian said. He pushed himself out of the chair and sat on the bed beside Howie. He thought about hugging Howie and then thought about how Howie had never really liked hugs and set a hand on his shoulder instead.
Howie looked at Brian's hand and said, "Maybe I should go."
"No," Brian said. He gripped Howie's shoulder a little, just to keep him there. "I'm not creeped out. I promise."
"This is weird," Howie admitted. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"Why now?"
"Now just - it never felt like the right time before."
"I mean, are you over me now?" Brian asked.
Howie seemed to think about it a little. "I don’t know. I mean, I try not to think about it. No."
"I told Leigh that I had a thing for you once," Brian admitted. He was thinking about it now, kissing Howie. He wasn't going to do it, but he was thinking about it. Howie had a nice mouth. Soft. "I kept your brown shirt."
"That's not why -"
"No," Brian said. "That's so not why."
"Good."
They were both quiet after that. Brian felt weird, sitting there quiet with his hand on Howie's shoulder, not really sure what to do.
"I'm going to go," Howie said. He stood up before Brian could stop him. "I just thought I should tell you."
"I'm glad," Brian said. He stood too. "That you told me, I mean."
Howie nodded and moved toward the door. Brian followed him. Howie touched the doorknob and then stopped, turned quickly and almost knocked right into Brian.
"You had a thing for me?" he asked.
"I think so," Brian agreed. He smiled a little, but it was nervous, didn't really reach his eyes. "I think about kissing you. Sometimes."
"Oh," Howie said. He touched the doorknob again and then said. "I'm going to - can I kiss you now? Is that okay?"
Brian opened his mouth to say something, say yes, but Howie didn't actually wait for his question to be answered. Howie was already leaning in and when their mouths met their teeth knocked a little, their noses bumped.
"Ow," Brian said, laughed just a bit.
Howie mumbled an apology and then leaned in again and this time Brian was ready, his eyes falling shut at the first touch of Howie's lips against his own. It was the third time they'd done this, but it felt completely different. This kiss wasn't sloppy or drunken or comforting. It wasn't do relieve loneliness and it wouldn't induce guilt. The kiss made it worth it, the years during which they were friends, brothers, but not really that close. The kiss promised that now, finally, they could close that gap, fill that space, get to know each other. Finally. Brian's hands moved up to Howie's shoulders, touching, lightly caressing, fingertips touching the exposed skin along the neckline of Howie's shirt. His hands finally came to rest, cupping Howie's face, keeping Howie close so that Brian's mouth could make promises too.
Brian wasn't sure how long it lasted. It was probably only seconds, but his body ached and his heart was pounding and he held on to Howie for support when Howie tried to move away. Brian's eyes were still closed when he sighed and said, "Wow. Good first kiss."
"That was our third kiss." Howie always liked to be right.
"First," Brian disagreed. He leaned in until his forehead rested against Howie's. "That definitely felt like a first."