If Only I Had...Chapter 17
Title: If Only I Had...(Chapter 17/20)
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
( Chapter 9 )
( Chapter 10 )
( Chapter 11 )
( Chapter 12 )
( Chapter 13a )
( Chapter 13b )
( Chapter 14 )
( Chapter 15 )
( Chapter 16 )
Chapter 17: Clinging to a Breaking Thread
Part One: Frayed Thread
Shige:
Hours after Ryo left, I am tossing around in my bed unable to shake the the thoughts of losing him and the thoughts of the happy times I might never experience again.
When planning a date, someone says that they “might” be able to go.
When watching the weather forecast, sometimes it is said that there “might” be rain.
In those situations, knowing that something might happen is not the end of the world, though it might seem to dampen future plans.
But now I have to try to fall asleep knowing that Ryo might not be alive when I wake up. I have to close my eyes knowing that when I open them back up again, I might be looking at a world without him.
---
Now, here I am sitting on the staircase in Dr. Ridari’s house knowing that this revival might not work.
No one knows what the future holds, and that is the most frightening thought of all.
This morning I got the phone call. With a shaky voice, Ryo told me that Jiro was ready to be released - that Jiro spent the entire night holding Remi with a pad and paper to his right. Jiro told her everything about himself and Ara but mostly about how they should have loved her, but were too weak.
I never thought that it would happen so quickly. I don't have days to talk it over with Ryo and say goodbye to him with a gorgeous backdrop like in the movies. But instead here we are, not even a full day after I found out about this mess, about to take one of the biggest risks of our lives.
Ryo’s mother is crying once again on his father’s shoulder on the dark green sofa. Miya and Jun are sitting with me on the steps and are holding each other’s hands for comfort. We didn’t even have a chance to tell Haru.
The office door opens and Jiro steps out, not even bothering to look at Ryo’s parents as he passes them. I think he is choosing to ignore the gravity of what he is deciding to do based on his own desires.
He lifts the black bag by the front door and brings it over to the steps. “I need to give something to you,” he says before taking a seat next to me, pulling out a folded sheet of paper and handing it to me. “Read this one first.”
I unfold the white sheet and with several words scrawled across it.
I know you probably hate it there, but I am leaving you my house. Sell everything if you wish. I am also leaving my most prized possession in your hands. Over this past month I have seen clearly that you would be a better father than I could ever aspire to be, so I want you take over the custody of Remi. Everything is written out formally and left on Ryo’s dresser, if you choose to accept it.
I refold the sheet of paper and grip it in my hands.
“Will you?” he asks and when I look into his eyes, I realize that this isn’t as easy for him as I previously thought.
I nod slowly. “Of course.”
He smiles weakly before reaching into the bag and pulling out a lavender-colored plush rabbit. Written on its stomach in cursive letters are the words My Precious Little Girl and on each floppy ear is a white bow. He grips it tightly and turns to me, holding it out.
“Will you give this to her? I saw it in a store window one day and thought that she might like it.”
Tears line his eyes as I take it from him. “I’ll give it to her.”
“Read the other letter. It will explain everything. But right now…I guess this is goodbye.”
A moment later, he wipes a tear from his eyes and smiles at me. “I’ll be back.”
Ryo.
I watch as he heads over to his parents and immediately sits on the couch to comfort his mother. “Mom, please don’t cry. I will be strong, okay?”
She clings to him and rocks back and forth, saying, “My little boy…My Ryo…”
Watching her hold him like she’ll never be able to again begins to dissolve what little strength I have somehow been able to muster these last few hours.
“Mom will be waiting right here for you, okay?”
His father squeezes his shoulder. “We’ll get through this, son.”
I never could have imagined the changes a few months can bring.
When he returns to the staircase, he glances up at me for a split second before averting his gaze to Jun. “I don’t know what to say to you two…”
“Definitely not goodbye,” Jun responds instantly. “For your entire life you’ve gone against what is supposedly set in stone. Don’t stop now.”
Miya stands up and wraps her arms around Ryo’s neck. “Ah, Ryo-chan. You know I love you.” He returns the embrace and smiles faintly. “We’ll save you a seat in the front row for our next show.” She pulls away and winks.
Their strength baffles me. Do they truly believe that everything will be okay despite the odds stacked against him?
Finally, he takes a seat next to me on the step once again. “I’m not going to say goodbye to you because no matter what, it’s not goodbye. We’ll see each other again, so don’t cry over this,” he says but a tear drips down my cheek anyway.
For hours last night I wondered about what I would say in this moment. Right now, he is sitting right in front of me, in my grasp, for possibly the last time. What words could possibly convey the feelings I hold inside? How can I say a lifetime’s worth of words in mere minutes?
He cups my cheek with his warm hand and turns me to look at him once again. “Shige?”
Words aren’t enough; they never have been. Even though everyone is around, I lean forward and kiss him, trying to show him what my words cannot say. He returns it and I can tell that even though he has been strong in front of everyone, he doesn’t truly want to do this. He’s scared, just like I am.
I pull away slightly, our foreheads touching and heavy breaths mixing and lingering between us. All the words have been said - in a dark room as the rain pattered against the windows, between fits of laughter, and in this one kiss.
Before this dream began, I was haunted by the words I never said before Ryo died. This dream has given me the chance to say these things loud and clear and experience things I never thought possible. Precious memories were created and once again I was able to see beauty through every pain.
All along this dream has been bittersweet. I was given a second chance to feel happiness and to give the one I love that same happiness. Only now, I wish this wasn’t the end.
If only I had more time…
He envelopes me in a tight embrace and even though in my heart I am trying to let go, I find myself holding on that much longer.
Memories of the past come in waves and with every smile, every laugh, every memory of a simple brush of our fingers, I find myself tightening my grip on his shirt.
“Shige, I have to go.”
And that was it. I squeeze my eyes shut causing salty tears to fall and I inwardly beg the gods to rethink it, to think of the pure happiness he has brought this world and reconsider.
He pulls away, wipes away my tears and our gazes lock together. “You know that I love you, right?”
I slowly nod and before it is impossible, he stands up and I watch him head towards where Dr. Ridari is waiting in a white room.
Will those be the new last words?
Once the door shuts, I bury my face in my hands and let go of every bit of pain I have been hiding behind a false feeling that I called “strength”. Jun sits next to me and holds me, but his strength is gone as well, along with Miya’s. I’m holding Ryo’s necklace tightly in my hand and I know that all we can do is wait.
Waiting - one of the worst things in the world. Long, dreadful, and almost never easy. When waiting for something, a person must sit quietly and helplessly even though in a matter of minutes the course of a life may be changed.
---
About a half an hour has passed and the sounds of sobs and tears have been replaced by nervous silence. None of us know what is going on behind the closed door, that is, until the steady “beeping” noises turn into one long, drawn out beep that screams in every one of our ears. I cover my ears because I know what that sound means. Ryo’s heart has stopped.
Somewhere in the conversation I couldn’t fully pay attention to before, the doctor said that he would stop Ryo’s heart and kill him that way. That would be the “easy” part, he explained, though I don’t see how any part of that should be easy. That part of the process is over and any thoughts about going back have now dissolved into the past.
He’s dead. Ryo - my Ryo - once again is dead.
Suddenly it hits me and I immediately regret not trying to stop him, not trying to talk to Jiro until he gave up thoughts of returning to the sky.
But regrets are useless, aren’t they? Mistakes from the past cannot be changed in the present.
---
Minutes turn into hours and none of us speak a word. With every passing moment I wonder if the chances are getting slimmer. Where is he? Is he still in the dead body a few feet away or is he in another realm that is far beyond what I can ever reach in an entire lifetime?
In the middle of the third hour, I grab the second folded paper from my side, unravel it and read the contents.
I want to start off by telling you that I’m sorry for everything. Those words don’t mean much, do they? But I must say them regardless.
When I look back on the days I held you captive and hit you for my own benefit, I see a side of myself that I never want to see again. Once again, I am sorry.
Even after everything, you still helped me through Ara’s death and you cared for Remi when I wasn’t able to. More than anything, when I saw the picture you drew of Asami to allow her to feel welcome in the sky, I finally realized why Ryo is so hung up on you.
Even though my selfishness puts Ryo in a dangerous position, I really do hope you two can be together. I wish you could feel what he feels for you like I have. If you did, I think that you would never have a doubt in the world again.
It might not seem like I had any goals, but I truly did want to have even a piece of what you two have. My heart lies with Asami and she is in the sky. That is where I must go in order to achieve my goal. Again, I am being selfish but that is who I am. I am a weak person who always yearns for love and I don’t belong here anymore.
Once again, I am truly sorry for everything I have done to you. I also apologize on behalf of Ara for starting this mess in the first place. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us, though I understand if you cannot.
Having you as a father will definitely make Remi happy, that much is for sure.
Goodbye until we meet again in the sky (much later on in life, of course!),
Jiro
I fold up the paper and stick it in my pocket. Even though we have been through so much, I do forgive him. All throughout, he has been searching for happiness and a love that would warm his hardened, cold heart. I see kindness in him, past the angry façade, and so I have chosen a while back to forgive him.
Goodbye, Jiro. Without Tei River, I hope you can still have a safe passage to the sky.
---
At the beginning of the fifth hour, night has fallen and still not a word has been exchanged. As I look around the room, I see four lifeless beings who are beginning to lose hope, just like myself. Just as I am about to place the necklace on the step, the sound of a doorknob turning is heard loud and clear and my heart begins to race in anticipation of the news. We might prepare to the end for something bad to happen, but at the moment of truth a glimmer of hope appears once again that the answer will be the one we want.
The doctor looks exhausted and the answer we’re desperate for isn’t clear. He motions for us to come in and when I reach the door, I feel every emotion rise up inside of me once again and stir my lifeless body back into reality. Ryo’s body is lying on an table unlike one that might be found in a hospital and he has all sorts of tubes and wires attached to him.
“I’ve done everything I can to preserve the body and prepare it to be taken over once again,” the doctor says finally. “Place his necklace on his neck. If it worked, then he will live again. If not, then the revival failed because a second death was too much for a body to handle.”
Slowly, I walk over and tie the necklace around his neck. Nothing happens and I look to the doctor worriedly.
“Give it a moment or two…” he says though it doesn’t sound as if he is at all confident.
Please, Ryo. I’m right here. Wake up. Breathe, look at me, see me. Come back to me…
I stare at the lifeless figure for well over a minute and my heart sinks.
You said you wouldn’t leave me, didn’t you?
Another minute disappears and I realize that Ryo might not be in there.
…It’s over, isn’t it?
Yet another long minute passes and I step back away from the table in shock and twin streams run down my cheeks. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world to actually have to believe those words.
“Why didn’t you save him?!” his mother screams to the doctor behind me. I can hear the sounds of motion but I don’t want to look back. “Why can’t you save my son?”
In times of grief, one word seems to stand out above the rest. Why. We always need a reason for things and never seem to accept that some questions don’t have answers.
I’ve always hated the word fate. People make it seem like that word is the answer to everything, but it isn’t. Isn’t it simply the concept people jump to when the reality is too tough to accept?
If this is fate, why is that the answer?
Once again, that word appears.
Why?
Just as I’m about to turn away from the body that can no longer hold me, a small beep reaches my ears. It is followed by another, and the once dull and darkened necklace glows once again after a sharp intake of breath.
The room grows silent and all the motion in the room stops except for his chest rising and falling with every breath. When the beeping becomes regular, signaling a normal heartbeat, I am overwhelmed with the desire to cling to him and never let go but I am afraid that doing so will cause everything to go away once again. Instead, I fall back against the wall and finally every worry begins to break away from me and dissolve into the thick air around us. It feels like a weight has been lifted, allowing me to breathe once again.
The doctor is suddenly at his side, seemingly shocked himself, and is injecting him with something.
“Is he okay? Why isn’t he waking up?” his father asks impatiently.
“Soon,” the doctor replies as he continues whatever he is doing to Ryo’s body in almost a rush. “Good job, Ryo. Hang in there a little bit longer.”
I watch Ryo intently through the entire process - I glance up at his eyes to see if they open, down to his chest to see if it is still moving and over the rest of his body to see any other sign that he is in there.
After a few minutes, the doctor wipes his forehead on his long white sleeve and sighs deeply. I don’t know what that sigh means but slowly, ever so slowly, Ryo's eyes begin to open and a finger on his right hand twitches.
“Ryo…” I say desperately but there is no reaction. I look to the doctor. “Can he hear me?”
“The same thing happened to Jiro. The shock of entering a body once again and trying to take control over it seems to be a bit much at first. Right now, he probably doesn’t even know where he is let alone who any of you are. Try to hold off on communication for a bit.”
“But he will be okay, right?” Every inch of me is begging him to say yes and erase any remains of the words slim chance.
“As far as I can see, yes. Wait for me in the other room. I need to check a few things and then I will be in so we can discuss the options for recovery.”
Even though leaving him is hard to do, we all file into the other room and collapse exhaustedly on chairs with our emotions hanging by a thread.
Ryo…is all I can manage to think as the soft material of the couch cushions my throbbing head.
A few minutes later when he comes back in, he takes a seat on the same leather armchair he sat in just yesterday. “His body is very weak and he’ll have to go through rehabilitation to regain normal movement. There is a rehab center on the mainland that I worked with back when I was still researching. I think that would be your best bet since they will understand that I revived him. I’m not sure exactly, but he should be fine in around three months if things go well.”
His parents let out sighs of relief. “Will he be able to communicate soon?”
He nods. “In a few hours, maybe. He needs time to adjust. That boy has a strong will to live,” he says and for the first time in the past two days, I am able to smile. “As for right now, I think it is best for you all to take it easy. I will take care of him, so you all should go and eat something and try to relax. It’s over - in a good way.”
I once heard that peace will only come after suffering. Now, after years of struggle and yearning, we can finally begin to relax.
---
When I push open the door to my house, my parents are already waiting for me and my mother is holding Remi in her arms. They both look at me expectantly and I smile. “He’s going to be okay.”
Being able to say those words means more to me than anything else and they both hug me instantly, telling me how happy they are and I explain to them that while he’s not exactly okay now, he will be.
When I take Remi in my arms and head up the stairs, I wonder how Ryo’s parents are doing. They immediately mentioned having to do something important and when I inquired about what it was, they told me that they had to explain the situation to the Akaso president so that Ryo would be able to live again without worry. Our affairs mean nothing to people on the mainland, so he just has to announce to the people of Akaso that Ryo is alive again. I truly hope everything goes well, because even though the situation might be hard for people to understand, Ryo deserves to be treated normally again.
---
Later on, after dinner, I return to Dr. Ridari’s house and everyone is already there with smiling faces. When I ask how it went with the president, they explain to me that even though he was shocked, he was understanding and has agreed to write a letter explaining the situation and send one to every household. He would also ask that people don’t make a big deal out of it, as it was a long struggle to get things back to the way they are supposed to be.
Words like “might” and “possibly goodbye” have been replaced by “supposed to be” and “live again.” Sounds of cries and shrill signals of death are replaced by Miya’s soft laughter and words of hope.
When I reach the table, Ryo’s eyes are fully open and he looks directly at me with a smile. “Shige,” he says quietly and once again I want to hold him tight and tell him how happy I am that he made it but I hold back. I still don’t want to hurt him. “I told you I wouldn’t leave you.”
His color is returning and a tear of happiness rolls down my cheek. “Ryo…”
When he says my name once again, I realize that he’s back. Not temporarily, not for a limited amount of time, not when Jiro says so, but always.
---
His parents pull out the sofa in the other room creating a bed and I help the doctor lift Ryo off of the table and into a wheelchair. When we wheel him next to the bed, we both lift him out once again and lay him comfortably on the bed. He can move a little bit at a time, but asking him to walk from there to here would be too much and risking a fall isn’t the best thing to do at the moment.
“Can I stay with him?” I ask the doctor and he smiles softly.
“That would be good.”
“Thank you…for everything.”
He nods understandingly. “I've always said that fate shouldn’t be messed with. Ever since I made the mistake by listening to Ara, I’ve always wanted to make it right again.”
After a while of chatting and planning, Miya and Jun leave and Ryo tells his parents to home and get some sleep. Just like the rest of us, he barely has any energy left after such a long day. After switching off the lamp next to the couch, I lay on the bed next to his weak body and touch him softly.
“I won’t break, Shige.”
“I know. I’m just…still afraid I guess,” I say and move closer to lean my head on his shoulder.
“It was hard, wasn’t it?” he asks and when he touches my hand gently I take over and lace our fingers together. “Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I was just scared that something would go wrong. I was so close to giving up hope but then you came back.”
“I told you I would. All I wanted to do was come back here. It’s funny…Jiro was in such a rush to escape but I was in a rush to stay.” He sighs and squeezes my hand with the slightest bit of pressure. “I will work hard to rehabilitate and become stronger. I don’t want you to be afraid anymore, Shige. When that happens, after these three months, we will be together again.” He sounds exhausted, almost like he will fall asleep before finishing his thought. “Wait for me…”
I watch as he falls into a deep sleep and for about an hour I am afraid to fall asleep in fear that something will happen during the night. He sees this fear in me and wants to become someone who isn’t clinging by a thread anymore so I can finally escape it. He wants to be someone I can rely on.
Months ago, he told me that when he looked in the mirror, he didn’t see himself. At that time, even though we hadn’t been reunited for long, he needed to leave me in order to become someone who could love me like he wanted to.
Though he has to leave again to recover, I will wait no matter how long it takes.
A feeling of comfort rises up inside of me and I lean over to kiss his cheek before settling in and closing my eyes.
---
Part Two: Flowerbed of an Angel
Jiro:
It is as beautiful as I remember it being. The sky possesses an ethereal beauty unlike anything in Nohin and off in the distance I see my angel, holding a sign that says:
Welcome home, Jiro!~
A kitten is drawn next to it with its paw in the air as if it is waving. She is wearing a white dress and her skin is no longer pale. She looks as beautiful as when I first saw her, with her hair falling just past her pretty shoulders.
“You made a sign?” I ask teasingly and she giggles.
“Of course! Do you like it?”
“Why a cat?”
“I can’t draw any other animal. It’s cute!” she says defensively and walks towards an area covered in flowers of every color imaginable. Briefly, I look for Ara but she isn’t around. After being here before, I knew long ago that she wouldn’t be. After committing so many sins, she is in another realm a level below here until she makes up for them. Until we are reunited, I will wait to tell her all the words that I have been wanting to say. Maybe at that time, we can look down together and see our daughter.
“What are you up to?” I ask Asami as she sits down on a wooden bench with a black design on the backing and she points downward. When I join her, my eyes follow her finger and I see Shige and Ryo asleep on a bed with their hands joined together.
“It’s been a tough day for them.”
Truthfully, I am relieved to see Ryo alive. I used to think of him as a parasite, but he wasn’t the one who was draining my happiness. He was the one who showed me what it was. As I think of such things, I reach down and take Asami’s warm hand in mine and she begins to hum quietly.
Even if you are clinging to a breaking thread, never let go.
End of Chapter 17