If Only I Had...Chapter 16
Title: If Only I Had...(Chapter 16/20)
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
( Chapter 9 )
( Chapter 10 )
( Chapter 11 )
( Chapter 12 )
( Chapter 13a )
( Chapter 13b )
( Chapter 14 )
( Chapter 15 )
Chapter 16: Setting Free
Part One: Relax
Shige:
Once the sun disappeared below the horizon, Ryo and I left the riverside. We were there for quite a while and it seems like Ryo is a bit calmer now than he was earlier. I know that it will continue to be hard for him and Jiro but I just hope that we will get past this.
Insects are chirping loudly and the night breeze is moist and cool as it flows past us. Ryo’s porch is lit with a yellow glow and his parents are sitting worriedly outside the door on a bench. When we approach them, they stand and they can probably tell from Ryo’s appearance that something is wrong.
“Did something happen?” his mother asks.
Ryo lets go of my hand and takes a step forward. “I’m going to bed.” When he twists the doorknob and enters the house, he turns around and gives me a look that tells me he doesn’t want me to leave. With Ryo gone, his parents look to me for an explanation.
“Um,” I say stupidly trying to buy some time to collect the right words together.
“Shigeaki-kun, is something wrong with Ryo?”
“His…our friend Asami passed away this afternoon,” I say and she brings a palm to cover her mouth in surprise. “She’s been sick for a while but he was with her when it happened.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Asami was the girl Jiro was in love with, so Ryo kind of has to deal with Jiro’s grief as well. It’s been hard for him.”
His father shakes his head in disbelief. “That boy…he doesn’t deserve any of this.” He suddenly appears to be worried. “Does he need anything?”
“Comfort, I suppose. And…I think he wants me to stay with him tonight.”
His mother smiles. “Of course! Don’t be shy; you’re welcome here anytime.”
When we enter the house, I see his father looking up the stairs towards Ryo’s bedroom with a pained expression written on his face. He may not know the right ways to show it, but he truly does care about Ryo.
Before I go up to the bedroom, I pad across the floor to Remi’s crib. She is sleeping soundly and feelings of happiness fill my chest the moment I lay eyes on her. “Sweet dreams, Remi.”
Ryo’s mother walks over to the crib and smiles. “She really is a cutie. I remember when Ryo-chan was this young. He was quite the handful.”
I’ve seen baby pictures of Ryo before (to his protest, of course) and he really was quite cute and small. “I guess he never grew out of that habit.”
She laughs quietly. “I always wanted to be a grandmother some day, but I never quite imagined it would happen like this.”
Remi came into our lives so quickly, yet now I can’t imagine a life without her.
---
When I step into Ryo’s bedroom, he is sitting on the edge of the mattress and he eyes me questioningly. “What took so long?”
“I was talking to your mom.”
“Oh,” he says passively and begins unbuttoning his shirt. “I want to take a shower.”
“A hot bath might be more relaxing,” I offer and he drops the material to the floor next to his bed before standing.
“You’re probably right.”
“Anything I can do?”
He steps over to the door and looks out into the hallway to the right where his parents’ bedroom is located. “They go to bed?”
“I think so, why?”
Moments later he is in front of me, grabbing both of my hands. “Help me relax,” he says casually and my mind goes in a dozen different directions.
“I thought you wanted a bath.”
“I do. Take one with me.”
---
I lift up the silver lever to stop the drain and turn the hot water faucet a few times and listen the rush of water pour into the white tub.
One blue towel, one hand towel and one washcloth are sitting neatly on a white shelf. He always keeps his bedroom and bathroom neat and clean no matter what; nothing is ever even slightly out of place.
When he returns with another towel, he shuts the door behind him and hands it to me. “We’ve never done this before. We’ve taken showers together but never a bath,” he points out as he unbuttons and unzips his black pants.
“There’s a first time for everything,” I say and with one hand on the zipper of my pants, I use the other to switch off the water.
When all of that is said and done, I step into the hot water and he follows shortly after. We settle in, with his back leaning against my chest, and he smiles.
“I like doing things like this with you,” he says and I begin to run over the back of his shoulders with a wet bar of soap.
“Me too.”
As I wash the rest of his still tense body, he seems to enjoy the treatment and we both laugh whenever the soap slips out of my hand and into the water (which is quite often).
When I am done, he leans back closely against my chest. “I think I’m clean enough.”
I want to make him as comfortable as possible so he will sleep well tonight, so I begin to run my hands slowly along his chest. He turns his face towards my neck and sighs happily.
“Is this what you wanted?”
“Yes,” he responds quickly and I continue to smooth my hands over the places I can comfortably reach to relax him all while admiring the slick smoothness of his skin. The room is mostly quiet except for his soft sighs and the sounds of the kisses I press on his shoulder.
“Shige,” he says suddenly, sits up straight and turns to me. “Things will be okay, right?”
“Why wouldn’t they be?” I say calmly even though I don’t know either. Will they?
“Something doesn’t feel right with Jiro.”
The glimmer of doubt in his eyes pierces through me like a nail. “Don’t think about that now. You’re much more relaxed now so let’s just go to sleep.”
He seems lost in thought for a few moments and finally looks back into my eyes. Suddenly, he brings a hand out of the water and cups my face, bringing me close for a kiss. There’s something hidden in it, like a message he is trying to convey but I am blinded to it. It may be that it is not clear, or maybe my heart wants to deny any thoughts that things are, to put it simply, dangerous right now.
When we step out of the tub dripping wet, I grab his towel from the shelf and begin to dry him off. He is a bit caught off guard, but he doesn’t complain as I run up and down each leg and then over his stomach.
“Only you could make me feel this way after such a shitty day,” he says and ruffles up my damp hair. “Are you really staying tonight?”
“Yeah.”
I look up at him and he is smiling widely. “Good.”
---
After we get dressed and slip into his bed together, he wraps an arm tightly around my waist and presses a kiss to my neck. “Goodnight,” he says and my heart beats quickly in my chest at the thought of once again being able to sleep next to him at night.
When I am confident that he is asleep, the night does its usual deed of making me think about the world that exists outside of the comfortable darkness.
Two simple things flash into my head.
Fact Number One: When I met Jiro he was suicidal. He wanted to go back to the sky and was only staying because of Ara and when Ara died, he lived for Asami.
Fact Number Two: Both of them are now gone.
Suddenly I am trembling and I tighten my hold on Ryo. I may not be able to see him clearly, but I can feel him, hear his quiet breaths and smell the clean aroma of his skin.
I close my eyes and try to focus on only these things, at least for now.
---
Part Two: Giving Up
Shige:
The faint sound of a conversation slowly shakes me into consciousness. The warmth from Ryo’s body that held me throughout the night is missing and I immediately head downstairs. The faint sounds from earlier become louder as I reach the source.
“I told you that I’m not hungry.”
From the tone, I can tell that the one sitting at the kitchen table is Jiro. He’s leaning back with his arms folded across his chest and glaring at Ryo’s mother. She sees me and sends me a look that tells me she doesn’t know what to do.
“No wonder Ryo never wanted to come back here.”
“Jiro,” I butt in. “That’s not fair.”
He looks at me with anger and hurt in his eyes. “You know what’s not fair? Everything in this fucking world.”
“You’re not the only one who is struggling, okay? None of this is easy - for any of us.”
“Then why do you all stay here?” He stands up from the kitchen chair and glances at the both of us. “How is this worth it?”
“We look past the struggles. I know it hurts but you have a daughter who needs you.” I point to the crib and something rises up inside of me, an anger I can’t quite suppress. “She needs you to be there for her. She doesn’t have a mother so her need for love is even stronger.”
He rolls his eyes. “You just love to play that card, don’t you? I know quite well that Ara is gone. I also know that someone who could have been a mother to her is also gone.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know that. I’m just saying that you should try to pick yourself up again.”
“I don’t need you to tell me what to do and I don’t need you.”
The last time I heard those words in that voice was just before Ryo was killed. That has no connection to this, yet it still makes me think about it. Before that, I had said that Ryo was spinning out of control and if I’m not mistaken, that is precisely what Jiro is doing right now.
He pushes past me, bumping our shoulders and causing me to stumble to the side. I grab his arm after a few steps and glares at me like I am something vile. “I can never get away from you, can I? You’re like a pest I can’t quite get rid of no matter how much I try.”
“I thought you changed, I really did. I can’t let go of you and you know the reason.”
“I do. But I also know that you want me gone, just like the rest of this world.” A tear forms in his eyes and when he presses me against the nearest wall, knocking down a picture frame in the process, I can’t seem to find any strength to push away. Ryo’s mother gasps and tells him to stop, that Remi is only a few feet away, but he doesn’t listen and stares at me accusingly. “I know what you are all thinking. ‘Poor Ryo is stuck with Jiro. I just wish he’d disappear’ or in your case, you just want me gone. Don’t you?”
I shake my head but I know he doesn’t believe it. Several times I have wished that he was gone, but not like this. Every word he says escalates the fear in my mind.
“I know you do. I’m sick of being a fucking burden and eyesore for every single person I’m surrounded by.” He loosens his grip on my shoulders and steps away. “I need some air.”
He slams the front door and I sink to the ground. Above all, this is my worst fear, and I hate it as much as those smirking faces of evil who were the driving forces behind the knife. This entire time, it has been like Ryo is imprisoned and Jiro holds the key. Even though I do want him to leave us alone and give Ryo his life back, I know that Ryo’s very existence depends on Jiro.
---
Months ago, I stood on this very doorstep. My face had stung and whenever I saw my reflection in windows, I remember it always shocked me how bad I looked after enduring Jiro’s beatings. It seems like ages ago that I flipped through Ara’s diary and saw the business card with Dr. Ridari written on it in a plain black font.
The door opens and the doctor is revealed. His white hair is the same as I remember it - unruly but somehow still professional. His face has wrinkles and his eyes speak volumes about how much sleep he gets per night.
“Can I help you?” he says casually.
“Um,” I begin nervously, not knowing exactly what to say. “I came here a few months ago with my friends…”
“About Nishikido?”
“Yes. I wanted to ask you a few questions about something.”
He looks me over a few times and finally steps aside to allow me to enter. Everything is exactly the same as I remember it except the papers are now stacked in neat piles on a large ebony desk. He sits down on a leather armchair and offers me a seat on the dark green sofa in front of him.
“What is it?”
“Jiro and Ryo are sharing the same body, so…I was wondering if there is a way to release one of them.”
“Of course,” he says but before I can even begin to feel happy about it, he finishes the sentence. “Through death.”
“There’s no other way?” I ask almost desperately.
“I’m afraid not. Ever since the beginning of time, the rules of this world have been the same. Only through death can a spirit ascend.” He looks at me sympathetically. “Tamahori-san wants to return, doesn’t he?”
“Yes.”
The doctor shakes his head. “I had a feeling that would happen. Ever since he was placed into that body once again, fate was pulling him back to where he is supposed to be - in the sky.”
“But what about Ryo? He wasn’t fated to die that day.”
“That much is true. But I’m afraid his fate might be too far gone to even attempt to put it on the right path again. Hypothetically speaking, if Tamahori-san does choose death and escapes to the sky, Nishikido will be brought down with him. If it is not his fate to ascend that day either, he’ll be locked to another realm as a roaming grey spirit. At this point, I think you should just hope that those in charge of fate changed his so he can ascend along with Jiro.”
“But I don’t want him to ascend. I want him to stay here - living. Can’t you revive his body again?”
“The first revival was a miracle. Don’t you think asking for another miracle is a bit much?”
“So it won’t work?”
He sighs deeply. “There’s a slim chance. Even if it does work, there is also a chance for complications.”
“Like?”
“So many things have a possibility of happening. He could lose his sense of sight or hearing, could lose the ability to move his arms or legs…almost anything can happen. Reviving a body and preparing it for a different full-time spirit to possess it is not an easy task.”
I look down to where my hands are trembling in my lap after hearing and thinking about such things. He seems to notice my uneasiness and his voice becomes gentler though his words still sting.
“If Jiro doesn’t have any resistance to fate’s grasp, it will take him sooner than you think.”
“How soon?” I say, my heart shattering in my throbbing chest.
“As soon as the last of his resistance is gone.”
“So you’re saying…he’ll kill himself so he can escape.”
“I could try to revive the body, but you have to be prepared for the fact that it might not work.”
How am I supposed to be prepared for something like that? The words might not work echo in my head. I feel sick.
---
The tiles are cold beneath my knees as I sink to the floor of my bathroom. Finally home, I thought a few minutes ago when I entered my house and smelled the aroma of food cooking. But I didn’t want to eat. The first memory of Ryo popped into my head when I looked at the laundry room and remembered that night that I didn’t want Ryo to leave. How simple things had been then, even though when they were occurring I felt as though the world was collapsing on top of me. I never thought that those times would be the happy ones.
Suddenly I just wanted to be alone, which is why I am in my tan-colored bathroom with tears filling my eyes.
I turn the silver faucet in the shower to drown out any noise. But even that doesn’t seem to help, as the reality is still loud and clear as if it is screaming in my ears.
This was all a dream that began when Ryo first came back to me and I’m now waking up from it in the most heart-shattering of ways. The dead aren’t supposed to come back.
I was always told that if something is too good to be true, it almost always is.
Once again, I sink to the floor against the tub and the stream from the shower manages to hit the back of my head lightly. A bead of water runs from the tip of my hair down my neck and back almost as quickly as a tear rolls down my cheek.
I don’t want to say goodbye again.
---
The sound of water pounding against tile no longer fills the room - I turned it off a while ago. I’m staring at the side of the wooden counter, unable to think. It hurts to think about what is going on outside of this small room. I tried calling Ryo twice to no avail and although part of me wants to run out of this house and search every street until I find him, another part of me is afraid of what I might find. No - he’s okay, he’s just not picking up his phone right now.
My strength seems to have faded along with any energy I had today and I pull out my phone once again, playing with a string on my ripped jeans as I listen to the dial tone ring once, twice, thr-
“Hello?” a voice says and I spring back to life. Even so, no voice comes out when I try to speak. “Shige?”
“Ryo,” I manage to say once I think he might decide to hang up.
“Why didn’t you say anything earlier? I thought the line went dead.”
“Please,” I say, my voice weak. “Just talk to me.”
“Are you upset about what Jiro said? Don’t worry about-“
“I saw something in your eyes last night after you said something was wrong. You know, don’t you? You know what Jiro is going to do.”
He is silent for a few moments and my head pounds with the headache that formed a while back. “He’s having a tough time with Asami’s death.”
“Damn it, Ryo…” I would have said it angrily but my throat feels tight and I feel the last of my strength crumble and fall away. “Don’t sugarcoat it. He wants to die and ascend, meaning he wants you to die. Again.”
“Where are you?” he asks firmly.
“My house. But-“
“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
And he hangs up. I keep the phone pressed to my ear for a while longer, wanting to hold on to the proof of his existence. I don’t want him to fade away like a faceless character in a dream.
---
Part Three: Locked
Ryo:
Last night, I knew.
As I was submerged in the hot water, feeling Shige’s hands pass over me and delighting in the feeling it stirred inside of me, I knew something was wrong. The dull pain I had been feeling all night began to disappear completely. In fact, it almost switched to happiness. After pining over Asami’s death for an entire day, Jiro realized the option of following her back to the sky.
This morning he struggled with the thought, especially after he saw Remi in her crib. But everything slowly started to fall into place and that option became more and more tempting for him.
I know that means I might not have the opportunity to live the life I have been dreaming about recently.
I don’t want to leave Shige alone here again. I can’t.
---
Shige’s mother lets me in the house and eyes me sadly. “Ryo-kun,” she begins. “Something is really bothering him. I haven’t seen him like this since…you passed away.”
“Where is he?”
“Last time I checked he was hiding out in his bathroom.”
She seems confused as to why he is there, but I know the reason. His bedroom door doesn’t have a lock. The bathroom door does.
Even after knowing I was on my way he is still there, which makes me wonder if seeing me really was his intention behind calling me in the first place.
When I wrap my hand around the golden knob and it doesn’t turn, I know my suspicions were correct. “Shige…open up.”
No response.
“I know you’re in there. This isn’t like you.”
Still no response.
“Don’t shut me out, Shige. We need to talk about this.”
He doesn’t say a word once again, but I can hear the faint sound of sobs.
“Are you crying? Damn it, Shige…open the door!” I sink to my knees in front of the white door and press my hand against it. “Let me hold you if you’re hurting.”
“Ryo,” he finally says and from the sound of it, he is just on the other side of the door. So close. “Please just go. I can’t think straight at all so how am I supposed to talk right now?”
My chest tightens. “Do you really want me to go?”
After a few minutes of silence, a deep sigh precedes the click of the door unlocking and that is all the answer I need. I open the door and moments later I am beside him, kissing his tear stained cheeks and he grasps onto my fingers.
“Why is this happening?” he asks desperately. “We were supposed to move into a house and raise Remi together. We were supposed to go back to Inamo and do the things we couldn’t when it rained…”
His words cut right through me and are more painful than when the knife drove into me all those years ago. More painful than the cigarette burns.
“Jiro’s going to die no matter what but the doctor says he might not be able to revive your body. Even if he can, there might be consequences. What if you can never play the guitar again? Or walk?”
“Shh,” I say and smooth the pad of my thumb over his cheek. “Slow down.”
He looks directly into my eyes and I want to erase the hurt but I know I can’t - everything he’s saying is true. “I can’t lose you again. How am I supposed to live without you?”
“I promised you, didn’t I? I told you I’d never leave you again. I don’t plan on ever letting go of you, no matter what some doctor says.”
It’s foolish to be so confident when I know deep in my heart that I shouldn’t be saying these things when I have no control over them.
But it is true.
Whether I’m in the sky watching over everyone, roaming another world forever as a grey spirit that cannot ascend, blind and deaf in a human form, or as I am now, I can never let go of this hand.
End of Chapter 16
A/N: *is ready for the bricks*