Chasing butterflies, chapter 2, AoixReita
Title: Chasing butterflies
Author: yukigafuru
Rating: PG-13 for now (will be adult)
Chapter: 3/?
Pairings: Aoi/Reita
Bands: Gazette
Warnings: none for now
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: Life is short. You try to catch it and it slips through your fingers. Life is also beautiful. It astounds you at every step. And it only takes one minute, one encounter to change it forever.
Chapter 2
Reita was gentle, Aoi discovered. And he was courageous. He was also stubborn -even though less than Aoi himself- and willful. He was determined, he was logical and he was perseverent.
Pain brings out the worse in people, and fear of pain even more so. Chemo was a painful poison designed to cure one of an even greater poison. Heart of the matter was chemo hurt like hell. And it wasn't just physical pain, either. It was the emotional pain that was even worse sometimes, it was looking at your image in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, seeing the way others look at you with pity.
Aoi had of course known this before. It still didn't help much with actually dealing with it. Seeing his close connection with Reita, the doctor assigned him the task of takeingcare of the physical well-being of the patient. The new arrangement had its benefits, amongst which foremost was spending time with the other boy. On the downside, he had to see Reita suffer and deal with the negative feelings that would arise in both of them from time to time.
An illness as dreadful as cancer, together with a treatment as traumatic as chemotherapy could break up lovers and marriages. Aoi and Reita had barely known each other before chemo started and not just once it threatened to tear them apart. There were fights and tears. At times, Aoi wanted to punch a wall, so the physical pain would outweigh the emotional. At others, he just needed to leave and forget about Reita for a while. If one of them, just once, had decided not to come back the next day, it would have been over before it really started. They were young and they were stubborn and they were in love. Somehow, they made it work and instead of breaking them apart, the pain bound them closer together.
A week after the chemo had started, they had a huge fight. Reita was angry, at himself, at life, at the medicine poisoning his blood, at Aoi, for being there and having to see him through it. He was ashamed and in pain and lashing out at everyone. Aoi was in the way.
“Do you enjoy this?” He screamed, ignoring the tears on both their cheeks, ignoring Aoi's pained eyes. “Because I can't imagine why you're here otherwise. Do you get off on pain, Aoi?” A week into chemo, he was so weak, he couldn't thrash around, he couldn't get up unaided and pace the room, he could just scream in frustration. Tears also came easier, it seemed. Aoi grit his teeth.
“I'll get you a glass of water.” He said. He just needed to get out for five minutes, he reasoned.
“If you get out, you're not coming back.” Reita hollered and stopped Aoi in his tracks.
“What do you want from me?” He shouted back. “I can't possibly understand what you're going through, but at least trust me when I say I hurt too.”
Reita scowled.
“Don't.” Aoi pleaded and approached the lying man. “Don't take it in derision. I care about you.” He hadn't once used the word love since they had met. It didn't seem right in the current situation. “More than you can imagine. And I'm angry too, and scared, and tired. But I wouldn't be anywhere else. Because you need me here but even more because I need to be next to you. I couldn't stand to be away.” When he had finished, he had ended up holding the other boy while strangled sobs raked his frame. Aoi let Reita cry.
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” Reita was repeating over and over again and no matter how many times Aoi whispered reassurances that he was alright, nothing seemed to work.
“I'm horrible. You're doing so much for me and...” Reita hiccuped and damn his consciousness for thinking that cute. Aoi managed a small smile. In his arms, Reita didn't see it. “And I'm bed-ridden, Aoi. I'm... You deserve more.”
“I get to decide that.” Aoi whispered against his neck. Whenever they ended up embracing like this, Aoi had taken the habit to kiss lightly Reita's skin, at the exact point where neck met shoulder. The skin was slightly clammy from the profuse sweating, but it was still soft and it still tasted like Reita.
“I need you here, Aoi. I can admit that much. But I also need to know I'm not hurting you. No matter what, I have never wanted that.”
Aoi knew that. He had seen other patients. He had seen how pain and fear turned them into something they weren't - or did it reveal the demon sleeping inside them? It made some turn to drugs, others cut themselves, it made patients lash against their loved ones, against their doctors and nurses. And no matter how they decayed, they could always blame the pain. Reita wasn't like that. He was scared and angry, and alone most of the time, if not for Aoi, but he rarely lashed out against him and most of the times, he had an optimistic view of life, a smile on his face and a light in his eyes. It was that smile and those eyes that cured a thousand times over any pain Reita sometimes unwillingly inflicted.
“Not being here would hurt me. A week already passed, Rei. That's a tenth of the time the doctor said the treatment would take, and that's including the break between the two months of medication. We're going to get through this; you're going to get through this.”
“You're volunteering time is not ten weeks, Aoi.” Aoi knew that better than anyone. He had tried talking to his parents and the school, getting them to prolong his leave of absence. But everything had been in vain. In another week's time, he'd be back in school.
“I'll still come every day. I'll still sleep here some nights. I... You're important to me, Rei.”
He disentangled them and kissed him, the same brush of lips, the same warm comfort the caress could bring. Except this time, someone came in: Reita's parents.
“What do you think you're doing?” They demanded and pulled at Aoi's shoulder, breaking them apart. “How dare you take advantage of him? I'll have you thrown out of here.” Reita's father was screaming his lungs out. Aoi moved to leave. He could come back another time. But he was stopped by Reita's cry.
“No!” Even though in his mother's arms, Reita was struggling to get away, to sit up and get to Aoi. “Don't leave! Aoi!” He couldn't stand his love in pain, so he turned away from the door.
“Reita, what is wrong with you? Did he give you something?” His mother asked. Aoi saw red but held himself back, digging half moons into his palms with his own fingernails.
“Dad, mom, you don't understand. We've been together since the beginning. Please, stop this. I love him and he loves me back.” Aoi's heart would have swollen at the declaration if not for the situation those words had been uttered in.
“You're deluding yourself, son. He's just taking advantage of you being under a lot of stress and needing companionship. You're not gay, Reita.” And there was the crux of the problem, Aoi knew. Parents that couldn't accept their son for who he was.
“It's not about that, dad. I don't care how you call me, straight, gay, bi. I just know that I need Aoi here.”
“You have us here.” His father interrupted. Aoi grit his teeth.
“You're barely here. I know you're busy...” Reita started but was again cut off. Aoi noticed the father was the one doing most of the talking while the mother tried to soothe her son. Why was it always the fathers that were so obtuse?
“So this is you rebelling?”
“No...”
“Enough.” Aoi finally gave in and he hated the scared look that simple word but on Reita's face. Not caring anymore for the parents, he approached the bed, on the side opposite the one where the mother was sitting, and took Reita's hand in his. The father started to protest, but Aoi shot him the most venomous look he could manage and started: “Can't you see you're upsetting him? What kind of a parent are you? You come in here to visit a few hours a day, and you think that makes you an expert on what he's feeling right now?” Reita was trying to calm him, but once Aoi got started, he wouldn't stop until he was finished. “How dare you suggest I'm taking advantage of him when all I've done is support him through this? Can you even imagine what it's like to be here twelve hours a day?” He caressed Reita's hand, letting him know he did not regret being there at all. That wasn't what this conversation was about. “He may be your son. And you may want the best for him. I don't claim to be that. But you can't claim to know who or what that is, either. He chose me, and that's all that matters in the end, isn't it?”
The man was livid by the end but he at least kept his mouth shut. His eyes showed that he still had some fight in him and Aoi feared him trying to break them apart. He wasn't sure he could handle that, on top of the chemo and everything else. Reita must have sensed something, because he picked up the conversation.
“Dad, I know it's hard to see me like this... Maybe you'd respect my decision more if it came at another time. You have always been good parents and please, just listen with an open heart this time.” He took a deep breath. “It's agonizing for me to be like this. Everywhere hurts, but it's not just that. It's not being able to move freely, not being able to go outside. Having to be helped to the bathroom, having your hair gradually fall off. The paleness and the dark circles under the eyes, the nightmares. The long hours thinking about the future. Almost every minute hurts. When Aoi is here, it stops hurting. I don't just forget about it, it's not as easy as that, but because he is here, I can handle it. Because he is here, I want to handle it. Even the day we met, he gave up his appointment with the doctor and helped me to my room. After that, he visited every day and gave up his free time and school obligations to be by my side the whole day. He's giving me so much and I can only hope I'll be able to adjust the balance some day, pay him back somehow. You didn't have the right to say that to him, and you don't have the right to tell me what I can feel, either. If seeing him makes me happy and feeling him makes the world blur away, if his being here makes the pain and the fear go away, then you tell me, dad? What am I feeling? And should I give it up?”
Aoi had tears in his eyes but keeping them at bay. He had known, of course, that Reita felt something for him. Hearing him say he loved him made that a fact. But listening to that confession really brought it home. And at that moment, it felt like he could see the rest of his life, so clearly, like he was watching a motion picture in the cinema, Reita by his side. And even in the movie, Reita was always by his side: their wedding, their home, their children, growing old together. He knew then, without a shred of doubt that they'd be able to handle anything. Yes, they were teenagers, and yes teenagers statistically fell more in and out of love than anyone else, but if they could handle this and come through stronger, they could and would handle anything. Aoi felt that.
Somehow, his parents must have realized it too, because his mom had got up and was embracing his father, and the man had tears in his eyes and regret in his gaze. Indeed, his following words confirmed that assessment.
“I'm sorry. It was a shock and it's not what I would have wished for my son. None of this is.” His hands made a sweeping gesture, encompassing the hospital room. “But I love you, Reita, and I will respect your decisions, whatever they are.” Reita's mother was nodding too. A moment later they decided to step out for a bit, get a cup of coffee. In reality, they were giving the two of them a bit of time to resolve the remaining tension.
“I'm sorry about that.” Reita apologized. “I know this is so complicated and hard and you shouldn't and didn't sign up for all this drama...” He rambled on. Aoi smiled, bent down and kissed him again, this time pressing a bit more and once Reita's lips opened slightly, taking advantage of the opportunity and getting a first taste of the boy. Addictive, he thought. He retreated after placing another peck on the rosy lips.
“I love you too.” He confessed and Reita's blush became redder. “And you should have seen my parents. Trust me, it resembled the apocalypse for a moment. In comparison, your parents seem like little angels.”
“You told your parents about us?” Reita sounded astonished.
“I told them the first day I kissed you.” Aoi said and there was pure love shining through Reita's eyes.
“I don't know what I did to deserve you, but if you have me, I'll never let you go.” Reita promised.
“That makes two of us.” Aoi confirmed. He also noticed Reita's labored breathing and his tired eyes. “Come on, you need to go to sleep. I'll stay till you fall asleep, okay?” Reita hummed his agreement and laid down. Five minutes later, he was asleep.
Aoi sat up and went out of the room. He was dead tired himself and couldn't wait to get home, get a bath and crash. On the way out, he bumped into Reita's parents again. He had only planned on saying a brief goodbye but was stopped by Reita's father's call.
“I'm sorry about earlier.” The man said. Aoi hadn't expected another apology. He assured them it was alright and no hard feelings remained. “Do you have five minutes? You look tired. I promise it won't be long.” The man asked and pointed towards the sofa in the hallway. Aoi would have rather not have another expected difficult conversation, but he could not exactly refuse either.
“I want you to know why we can't be here as often as we'd like. It's not because we don't love our son. Quite the contrary. But the chemo... it's expensive. Even with the insurance, we still have to cover some of the amount ourselves and we've been working longer hours at the company. His sister - did he tell you about her? - she's abroad right now, at university, studying. Things are a bit difficult right now. It's not your problem of course but I know how this absence looks, you've nearly spelled it out earlier, and I... well... Thank you for what you're doing for our son. It was unfair of me to say what I said earlier. If you don't mind, one day, when you're a bit more rested, we could sit down and talk. I'd like to know more about the boy my son is dating and maybe you'd like to know more about his family. I'm sure he hasn't said much.”
“He hasn't. But we've also had other things to talk about.” His father nodded. Reita's mother hugged him. He was finally free to go home.
…
The topic of Reita's best friend popped up a day later. The talk with Reita's parents had made Aoi curiouser about the other boy's life.
“His name is Uruha.” Reita confessed. “And when he hears what I've been up to, I'm going to get an earful for not telling him.”
“He doesn't know you're in the hospital?” Aoi was surprised. He was also sad because he had never seen any of Reita's friends visiting.
“We just moved to Tokyo, didn't I tell you that?” Aoi shook his head. “Because of my father's job... Uruha had to stay back home. He's coming up here for uni though. He's the same age as me but he already knows what he wants to do.”
“What's that?”
“He's crazy good at instruments. He plays the guitar like a pro, but aside from that he can play the violin too. He wants to go to the conservatory, become professional and all. If it were anyone else, I'd say it's too hard. Knowing him... as long as he stays on the right track...”
“What about you?” Aoi asked. He was curious and he hadn't expected sadness to replace the joy that had been there earlier.
“Right now, I can't really think that far ahead... But it feels that if I can get through this, I can become anything. I like taking care of people, I guess. Funny how I'm the one being taken care of right now. But maybe I'll be Uruha's manager. He certainly needs someone to take care of him.”
“You two sound close.” He was not jealous. Not at all. Aoi told himself.
“I'm guessing it's like you and Ruki actually. We're childhood friends. Our houses were next to each other, we went together to the same schools, hang out at the same places... He somehow gets me and I get him. Aside from being stubborn and focused, we're actually quite different characters but somehow it works. Are you and Ruki like that?”
“Pretty much. We're not that different though. He's a bit more focused and serious than I am, even though he's younger. He's actually the same age as you. But then, he also does some seriously stupid things and I'm the one that has to handle the consequences. I guess in the end, he's just been there for me when I needed him, and vice versa.”
“Any other really good friends?” Reita asked.
“Not really.” It was true. He liked his classmates and he was generally liked back, but somehow he hadn't tried to connect with them on a deeper level. “You?”
“My sister, if that counts. She's in England, right now. I hope my parents haven't told her. That one is capable of abandoning everything and flying to my rescue. She's a bit crazy but I love her.”
“I know how that is. Mine is quite a few years older, she's looking for a job right now. You should hear her complaining about everything... But once she decides to give it her best, she'll never back down. She's a bit like you in that sense. She sends her best wishes, by the way and promised to visit when she gets a bit of free time. That ok?”
“Definitely. Just let me know and I'll try to brush up.” Aoi thought he didn't need anything because he was perfect just as he was but he kept his mouth shut.
“You should tell Uruha though. Just pick up the phone. He'd want to know and be here.” Aoi tried to convince Reita.
“I don't want him to worry or drop everything to come to my aid. Especially since there's not much he could do.” Support you is quite enough, Aoi thought but did not say. Today, he didn't want to argue with Reita. They had had enough of that the day before.
Later, he left when Reita's parents got there. Reita's mother came after him. She was planning on taking Reita out into the garden the next day and she wondered if Aoi would like to join them for a light picnic. Aoi accepted. He also took advantage of the fact that they were alone and asked about Uruha.
“Did you tell him about Reita?” He wanted to know.
“No. Reita specifically told us to not say anything. Uruha is getting suspicious though. Every time he calls, Reita isn't home and he never calls back. Knowing that boy, in a few days he'll pack his bags and show up at our door anyway. I wish Reita were less stubborn and just called him. Did you try telling him that too?”
“Yes. Today didn't seem like a good day to press the matter though. If you're sure he'll come over anyway, give me his phone number?” Seeing her disapproving look, he added. “I won't go against his wishes but tomorrow I think I can talk him into agreeing that I call.” She gave him the number and they parted ways.
…
He hadn't been able to convince Reita and he didn't call. Which made no difference because as expected, a few days later, on Friday, the last school day he could spend together with his boyfriend before school started again, Uruha showed up.
He had obviously come angry and ready to scream his lungs out but the moment his eyes set upon Reita, he instantly deflated and turned white. Reita averted his eyes, obviously hurt. Aoi hated the fact that his self-esteem was so low lately. He also understood Uruha's reaction. It was really hard to hold back his own face from sagging on some days. Uruha seemed to sense the effect he was having though so he backpedaled.
“How could you?” He wasn't exactly angry, but he was pouting, Aoi noticed. Aoi also realized the other boy was quite beautiful, with his platinum blond hair, lithe frame, big eyes and beautiful lips. He also had a bit of muscle, probably from playing and carrying around instruments and he dressed fashionably. For the first time he wondered whether Reita had another reason not to want Uruha there, a reason more connected to jealousy than anything else. Uruha was still talking, he realized and he also noticed the looks Reita was shooting him. He was right then. He caressed his lover's cheek and then kissed him on his forehead before getting up, muttering something about needing a coffee and leaving the two alone.
Later, Uruha came to find him. His voice was a bit higher than Reita's but he still had a certain gruff quality to it.
“You can come back now. We settled everything.” Uruha said.
“I'm glad you're here. Next week, I won't be able to be here all the time, so if you could be here for a few hours. Wait, you have school too, so that probably won't work, right?”
“Don't worry. I told my folks to excuse me from school. Gave them an earful about it as soon as I found out about Rei so for a month or so there should be no problem. You could have called, you know?”
“He didn't want that.” Aoi said although he didn't want Uruha to know the full extent to which the two had disagreed about the matter.
“Because he thinks I'm a threat to your relationship.”
“He told you about it?” His eyes must have looked like flying saucers if his surprise was showing on his face. Uruha giggled. Aoi thought it was cute. Made the boy look younger.
“Of course not. Reita has this misconstrued notions that he's manly or something... But I saw the interactions earlier, and he told me about you. Doesn't take a genius to figure it out.”
“You have no problems with it, do you?” Aoi was almost sure the answer would be negative, but he still wanted to check.
“Of course not. I've been telling him to get a girlfriend constantly lately but somehow he never listened. All the dates I set him up with ended in disaster apparently.” Aoi chuckled at the similarities between Ruki and Uruha and was not so thrilled about the dates. He wasn't irrationally jealous or anything. “If it weren't for you, I don't think he would have gone down this road though.” Uruha continued. “Like I said, he's always had a clear image of who he is and who he wants to be, and men as lovers never entered that. It takes someone really special to be able to get in his good books and someone extraordinary to make him abandon things he believes in.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing somehow. Or are you implying it has something to do with the cancer?” Aoi bristled.
“No, neither of the above. I'm just surprised. Did I forget to mention mad as hell at him for keeping this from me? He knows I hate secrets...” And he was pouting again. Aoi started to suspect it was a distraction mechanism. Knowing females, he supposed it was quite effective. Heck, it could probably work on guys too. “But I'm very grateful you're in his life.” Uruha finished on a serious tone. Together, they walked back to Reita's room.
A/N: My bunnies are trully grateful. They're also addicted by now to the lovely comments, as you might have deduced from their replies. Don't let them starve, will you? Bunny squishes
Author: yukigafuru
Rating: PG-13 for now (will be adult)
Chapter: 3/?
Pairings: Aoi/Reita
Bands: Gazette
Warnings: none for now
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: Life is short. You try to catch it and it slips through your fingers. Life is also beautiful. It astounds you at every step. And it only takes one minute, one encounter to change it forever.
Chapter 2
Reita was gentle, Aoi discovered. And he was courageous. He was also stubborn -even though less than Aoi himself- and willful. He was determined, he was logical and he was perseverent.
Pain brings out the worse in people, and fear of pain even more so. Chemo was a painful poison designed to cure one of an even greater poison. Heart of the matter was chemo hurt like hell. And it wasn't just physical pain, either. It was the emotional pain that was even worse sometimes, it was looking at your image in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, seeing the way others look at you with pity.
Aoi had of course known this before. It still didn't help much with actually dealing with it. Seeing his close connection with Reita, the doctor assigned him the task of takeingcare of the physical well-being of the patient. The new arrangement had its benefits, amongst which foremost was spending time with the other boy. On the downside, he had to see Reita suffer and deal with the negative feelings that would arise in both of them from time to time.
An illness as dreadful as cancer, together with a treatment as traumatic as chemotherapy could break up lovers and marriages. Aoi and Reita had barely known each other before chemo started and not just once it threatened to tear them apart. There were fights and tears. At times, Aoi wanted to punch a wall, so the physical pain would outweigh the emotional. At others, he just needed to leave and forget about Reita for a while. If one of them, just once, had decided not to come back the next day, it would have been over before it really started. They were young and they were stubborn and they were in love. Somehow, they made it work and instead of breaking them apart, the pain bound them closer together.
A week after the chemo had started, they had a huge fight. Reita was angry, at himself, at life, at the medicine poisoning his blood, at Aoi, for being there and having to see him through it. He was ashamed and in pain and lashing out at everyone. Aoi was in the way.
“Do you enjoy this?” He screamed, ignoring the tears on both their cheeks, ignoring Aoi's pained eyes. “Because I can't imagine why you're here otherwise. Do you get off on pain, Aoi?” A week into chemo, he was so weak, he couldn't thrash around, he couldn't get up unaided and pace the room, he could just scream in frustration. Tears also came easier, it seemed. Aoi grit his teeth.
“I'll get you a glass of water.” He said. He just needed to get out for five minutes, he reasoned.
“If you get out, you're not coming back.” Reita hollered and stopped Aoi in his tracks.
“What do you want from me?” He shouted back. “I can't possibly understand what you're going through, but at least trust me when I say I hurt too.”
Reita scowled.
“Don't.” Aoi pleaded and approached the lying man. “Don't take it in derision. I care about you.” He hadn't once used the word love since they had met. It didn't seem right in the current situation. “More than you can imagine. And I'm angry too, and scared, and tired. But I wouldn't be anywhere else. Because you need me here but even more because I need to be next to you. I couldn't stand to be away.” When he had finished, he had ended up holding the other boy while strangled sobs raked his frame. Aoi let Reita cry.
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” Reita was repeating over and over again and no matter how many times Aoi whispered reassurances that he was alright, nothing seemed to work.
“I'm horrible. You're doing so much for me and...” Reita hiccuped and damn his consciousness for thinking that cute. Aoi managed a small smile. In his arms, Reita didn't see it. “And I'm bed-ridden, Aoi. I'm... You deserve more.”
“I get to decide that.” Aoi whispered against his neck. Whenever they ended up embracing like this, Aoi had taken the habit to kiss lightly Reita's skin, at the exact point where neck met shoulder. The skin was slightly clammy from the profuse sweating, but it was still soft and it still tasted like Reita.
“I need you here, Aoi. I can admit that much. But I also need to know I'm not hurting you. No matter what, I have never wanted that.”
Aoi knew that. He had seen other patients. He had seen how pain and fear turned them into something they weren't - or did it reveal the demon sleeping inside them? It made some turn to drugs, others cut themselves, it made patients lash against their loved ones, against their doctors and nurses. And no matter how they decayed, they could always blame the pain. Reita wasn't like that. He was scared and angry, and alone most of the time, if not for Aoi, but he rarely lashed out against him and most of the times, he had an optimistic view of life, a smile on his face and a light in his eyes. It was that smile and those eyes that cured a thousand times over any pain Reita sometimes unwillingly inflicted.
“Not being here would hurt me. A week already passed, Rei. That's a tenth of the time the doctor said the treatment would take, and that's including the break between the two months of medication. We're going to get through this; you're going to get through this.”
“You're volunteering time is not ten weeks, Aoi.” Aoi knew that better than anyone. He had tried talking to his parents and the school, getting them to prolong his leave of absence. But everything had been in vain. In another week's time, he'd be back in school.
“I'll still come every day. I'll still sleep here some nights. I... You're important to me, Rei.”
He disentangled them and kissed him, the same brush of lips, the same warm comfort the caress could bring. Except this time, someone came in: Reita's parents.
“What do you think you're doing?” They demanded and pulled at Aoi's shoulder, breaking them apart. “How dare you take advantage of him? I'll have you thrown out of here.” Reita's father was screaming his lungs out. Aoi moved to leave. He could come back another time. But he was stopped by Reita's cry.
“No!” Even though in his mother's arms, Reita was struggling to get away, to sit up and get to Aoi. “Don't leave! Aoi!” He couldn't stand his love in pain, so he turned away from the door.
“Reita, what is wrong with you? Did he give you something?” His mother asked. Aoi saw red but held himself back, digging half moons into his palms with his own fingernails.
“Dad, mom, you don't understand. We've been together since the beginning. Please, stop this. I love him and he loves me back.” Aoi's heart would have swollen at the declaration if not for the situation those words had been uttered in.
“You're deluding yourself, son. He's just taking advantage of you being under a lot of stress and needing companionship. You're not gay, Reita.” And there was the crux of the problem, Aoi knew. Parents that couldn't accept their son for who he was.
“It's not about that, dad. I don't care how you call me, straight, gay, bi. I just know that I need Aoi here.”
“You have us here.” His father interrupted. Aoi grit his teeth.
“You're barely here. I know you're busy...” Reita started but was again cut off. Aoi noticed the father was the one doing most of the talking while the mother tried to soothe her son. Why was it always the fathers that were so obtuse?
“So this is you rebelling?”
“No...”
“Enough.” Aoi finally gave in and he hated the scared look that simple word but on Reita's face. Not caring anymore for the parents, he approached the bed, on the side opposite the one where the mother was sitting, and took Reita's hand in his. The father started to protest, but Aoi shot him the most venomous look he could manage and started: “Can't you see you're upsetting him? What kind of a parent are you? You come in here to visit a few hours a day, and you think that makes you an expert on what he's feeling right now?” Reita was trying to calm him, but once Aoi got started, he wouldn't stop until he was finished. “How dare you suggest I'm taking advantage of him when all I've done is support him through this? Can you even imagine what it's like to be here twelve hours a day?” He caressed Reita's hand, letting him know he did not regret being there at all. That wasn't what this conversation was about. “He may be your son. And you may want the best for him. I don't claim to be that. But you can't claim to know who or what that is, either. He chose me, and that's all that matters in the end, isn't it?”
The man was livid by the end but he at least kept his mouth shut. His eyes showed that he still had some fight in him and Aoi feared him trying to break them apart. He wasn't sure he could handle that, on top of the chemo and everything else. Reita must have sensed something, because he picked up the conversation.
“Dad, I know it's hard to see me like this... Maybe you'd respect my decision more if it came at another time. You have always been good parents and please, just listen with an open heart this time.” He took a deep breath. “It's agonizing for me to be like this. Everywhere hurts, but it's not just that. It's not being able to move freely, not being able to go outside. Having to be helped to the bathroom, having your hair gradually fall off. The paleness and the dark circles under the eyes, the nightmares. The long hours thinking about the future. Almost every minute hurts. When Aoi is here, it stops hurting. I don't just forget about it, it's not as easy as that, but because he is here, I can handle it. Because he is here, I want to handle it. Even the day we met, he gave up his appointment with the doctor and helped me to my room. After that, he visited every day and gave up his free time and school obligations to be by my side the whole day. He's giving me so much and I can only hope I'll be able to adjust the balance some day, pay him back somehow. You didn't have the right to say that to him, and you don't have the right to tell me what I can feel, either. If seeing him makes me happy and feeling him makes the world blur away, if his being here makes the pain and the fear go away, then you tell me, dad? What am I feeling? And should I give it up?”
Aoi had tears in his eyes but keeping them at bay. He had known, of course, that Reita felt something for him. Hearing him say he loved him made that a fact. But listening to that confession really brought it home. And at that moment, it felt like he could see the rest of his life, so clearly, like he was watching a motion picture in the cinema, Reita by his side. And even in the movie, Reita was always by his side: their wedding, their home, their children, growing old together. He knew then, without a shred of doubt that they'd be able to handle anything. Yes, they were teenagers, and yes teenagers statistically fell more in and out of love than anyone else, but if they could handle this and come through stronger, they could and would handle anything. Aoi felt that.
Somehow, his parents must have realized it too, because his mom had got up and was embracing his father, and the man had tears in his eyes and regret in his gaze. Indeed, his following words confirmed that assessment.
“I'm sorry. It was a shock and it's not what I would have wished for my son. None of this is.” His hands made a sweeping gesture, encompassing the hospital room. “But I love you, Reita, and I will respect your decisions, whatever they are.” Reita's mother was nodding too. A moment later they decided to step out for a bit, get a cup of coffee. In reality, they were giving the two of them a bit of time to resolve the remaining tension.
“I'm sorry about that.” Reita apologized. “I know this is so complicated and hard and you shouldn't and didn't sign up for all this drama...” He rambled on. Aoi smiled, bent down and kissed him again, this time pressing a bit more and once Reita's lips opened slightly, taking advantage of the opportunity and getting a first taste of the boy. Addictive, he thought. He retreated after placing another peck on the rosy lips.
“I love you too.” He confessed and Reita's blush became redder. “And you should have seen my parents. Trust me, it resembled the apocalypse for a moment. In comparison, your parents seem like little angels.”
“You told your parents about us?” Reita sounded astonished.
“I told them the first day I kissed you.” Aoi said and there was pure love shining through Reita's eyes.
“I don't know what I did to deserve you, but if you have me, I'll never let you go.” Reita promised.
“That makes two of us.” Aoi confirmed. He also noticed Reita's labored breathing and his tired eyes. “Come on, you need to go to sleep. I'll stay till you fall asleep, okay?” Reita hummed his agreement and laid down. Five minutes later, he was asleep.
Aoi sat up and went out of the room. He was dead tired himself and couldn't wait to get home, get a bath and crash. On the way out, he bumped into Reita's parents again. He had only planned on saying a brief goodbye but was stopped by Reita's father's call.
“I'm sorry about earlier.” The man said. Aoi hadn't expected another apology. He assured them it was alright and no hard feelings remained. “Do you have five minutes? You look tired. I promise it won't be long.” The man asked and pointed towards the sofa in the hallway. Aoi would have rather not have another expected difficult conversation, but he could not exactly refuse either.
“I want you to know why we can't be here as often as we'd like. It's not because we don't love our son. Quite the contrary. But the chemo... it's expensive. Even with the insurance, we still have to cover some of the amount ourselves and we've been working longer hours at the company. His sister - did he tell you about her? - she's abroad right now, at university, studying. Things are a bit difficult right now. It's not your problem of course but I know how this absence looks, you've nearly spelled it out earlier, and I... well... Thank you for what you're doing for our son. It was unfair of me to say what I said earlier. If you don't mind, one day, when you're a bit more rested, we could sit down and talk. I'd like to know more about the boy my son is dating and maybe you'd like to know more about his family. I'm sure he hasn't said much.”
“He hasn't. But we've also had other things to talk about.” His father nodded. Reita's mother hugged him. He was finally free to go home.
…
The topic of Reita's best friend popped up a day later. The talk with Reita's parents had made Aoi curiouser about the other boy's life.
“His name is Uruha.” Reita confessed. “And when he hears what I've been up to, I'm going to get an earful for not telling him.”
“He doesn't know you're in the hospital?” Aoi was surprised. He was also sad because he had never seen any of Reita's friends visiting.
“We just moved to Tokyo, didn't I tell you that?” Aoi shook his head. “Because of my father's job... Uruha had to stay back home. He's coming up here for uni though. He's the same age as me but he already knows what he wants to do.”
“What's that?”
“He's crazy good at instruments. He plays the guitar like a pro, but aside from that he can play the violin too. He wants to go to the conservatory, become professional and all. If it were anyone else, I'd say it's too hard. Knowing him... as long as he stays on the right track...”
“What about you?” Aoi asked. He was curious and he hadn't expected sadness to replace the joy that had been there earlier.
“Right now, I can't really think that far ahead... But it feels that if I can get through this, I can become anything. I like taking care of people, I guess. Funny how I'm the one being taken care of right now. But maybe I'll be Uruha's manager. He certainly needs someone to take care of him.”
“You two sound close.” He was not jealous. Not at all. Aoi told himself.
“I'm guessing it's like you and Ruki actually. We're childhood friends. Our houses were next to each other, we went together to the same schools, hang out at the same places... He somehow gets me and I get him. Aside from being stubborn and focused, we're actually quite different characters but somehow it works. Are you and Ruki like that?”
“Pretty much. We're not that different though. He's a bit more focused and serious than I am, even though he's younger. He's actually the same age as you. But then, he also does some seriously stupid things and I'm the one that has to handle the consequences. I guess in the end, he's just been there for me when I needed him, and vice versa.”
“Any other really good friends?” Reita asked.
“Not really.” It was true. He liked his classmates and he was generally liked back, but somehow he hadn't tried to connect with them on a deeper level. “You?”
“My sister, if that counts. She's in England, right now. I hope my parents haven't told her. That one is capable of abandoning everything and flying to my rescue. She's a bit crazy but I love her.”
“I know how that is. Mine is quite a few years older, she's looking for a job right now. You should hear her complaining about everything... But once she decides to give it her best, she'll never back down. She's a bit like you in that sense. She sends her best wishes, by the way and promised to visit when she gets a bit of free time. That ok?”
“Definitely. Just let me know and I'll try to brush up.” Aoi thought he didn't need anything because he was perfect just as he was but he kept his mouth shut.
“You should tell Uruha though. Just pick up the phone. He'd want to know and be here.” Aoi tried to convince Reita.
“I don't want him to worry or drop everything to come to my aid. Especially since there's not much he could do.” Support you is quite enough, Aoi thought but did not say. Today, he didn't want to argue with Reita. They had had enough of that the day before.
Later, he left when Reita's parents got there. Reita's mother came after him. She was planning on taking Reita out into the garden the next day and she wondered if Aoi would like to join them for a light picnic. Aoi accepted. He also took advantage of the fact that they were alone and asked about Uruha.
“Did you tell him about Reita?” He wanted to know.
“No. Reita specifically told us to not say anything. Uruha is getting suspicious though. Every time he calls, Reita isn't home and he never calls back. Knowing that boy, in a few days he'll pack his bags and show up at our door anyway. I wish Reita were less stubborn and just called him. Did you try telling him that too?”
“Yes. Today didn't seem like a good day to press the matter though. If you're sure he'll come over anyway, give me his phone number?” Seeing her disapproving look, he added. “I won't go against his wishes but tomorrow I think I can talk him into agreeing that I call.” She gave him the number and they parted ways.
…
He hadn't been able to convince Reita and he didn't call. Which made no difference because as expected, a few days later, on Friday, the last school day he could spend together with his boyfriend before school started again, Uruha showed up.
He had obviously come angry and ready to scream his lungs out but the moment his eyes set upon Reita, he instantly deflated and turned white. Reita averted his eyes, obviously hurt. Aoi hated the fact that his self-esteem was so low lately. He also understood Uruha's reaction. It was really hard to hold back his own face from sagging on some days. Uruha seemed to sense the effect he was having though so he backpedaled.
“How could you?” He wasn't exactly angry, but he was pouting, Aoi noticed. Aoi also realized the other boy was quite beautiful, with his platinum blond hair, lithe frame, big eyes and beautiful lips. He also had a bit of muscle, probably from playing and carrying around instruments and he dressed fashionably. For the first time he wondered whether Reita had another reason not to want Uruha there, a reason more connected to jealousy than anything else. Uruha was still talking, he realized and he also noticed the looks Reita was shooting him. He was right then. He caressed his lover's cheek and then kissed him on his forehead before getting up, muttering something about needing a coffee and leaving the two alone.
Later, Uruha came to find him. His voice was a bit higher than Reita's but he still had a certain gruff quality to it.
“You can come back now. We settled everything.” Uruha said.
“I'm glad you're here. Next week, I won't be able to be here all the time, so if you could be here for a few hours. Wait, you have school too, so that probably won't work, right?”
“Don't worry. I told my folks to excuse me from school. Gave them an earful about it as soon as I found out about Rei so for a month or so there should be no problem. You could have called, you know?”
“He didn't want that.” Aoi said although he didn't want Uruha to know the full extent to which the two had disagreed about the matter.
“Because he thinks I'm a threat to your relationship.”
“He told you about it?” His eyes must have looked like flying saucers if his surprise was showing on his face. Uruha giggled. Aoi thought it was cute. Made the boy look younger.
“Of course not. Reita has this misconstrued notions that he's manly or something... But I saw the interactions earlier, and he told me about you. Doesn't take a genius to figure it out.”
“You have no problems with it, do you?” Aoi was almost sure the answer would be negative, but he still wanted to check.
“Of course not. I've been telling him to get a girlfriend constantly lately but somehow he never listened. All the dates I set him up with ended in disaster apparently.” Aoi chuckled at the similarities between Ruki and Uruha and was not so thrilled about the dates. He wasn't irrationally jealous or anything. “If it weren't for you, I don't think he would have gone down this road though.” Uruha continued. “Like I said, he's always had a clear image of who he is and who he wants to be, and men as lovers never entered that. It takes someone really special to be able to get in his good books and someone extraordinary to make him abandon things he believes in.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing somehow. Or are you implying it has something to do with the cancer?” Aoi bristled.
“No, neither of the above. I'm just surprised. Did I forget to mention mad as hell at him for keeping this from me? He knows I hate secrets...” And he was pouting again. Aoi started to suspect it was a distraction mechanism. Knowing females, he supposed it was quite effective. Heck, it could probably work on guys too. “But I'm very grateful you're in his life.” Uruha finished on a serious tone. Together, they walked back to Reita's room.
A/N: My bunnies are trully grateful. They're also addicted by now to the lovely comments, as you might have deduced from their replies. Don't let them starve, will you? Bunny squishes