Chasing butterflies, AoixReita, Chapter 1
Title: Chasing butterflies
Author: yukigafuru
Rating: PG-13 for now (will be adult)
Chapter: 2/?
Pairings: Aoi/Reita
Bands: Gazette
Warnings: none for now
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: Life is short. You try to catch it and it slips through your fingers. Life is also beautiful. It astounds you at every step. And it only takes one minute, one encounter to change it forever.
Chapter 1
“Why would you apply to be a volunteer in a hospital? Have you gone off your kilter?” Came the more than foreseeable question from his childhood friend. Sometimes, Ruki could be even better at whining than himself - and that meant something.
“You know I'm thinking about medical school.” Was his serious answer. It might have been serious but it wasn't completely truthful. Still, it wasn't a lie either.
“Which means that you will spend many years after highschool locked up in one. Why start early?” Came Ruki's reasoning and his more than pertinent following objection. “And you know we're supposed to go on a goukon this weekend.”
“Ru, you know you just kind of dragged me into grudgingly accepting to think about that. Not actually go.”
Ruki threw his arms in the air in an uncharacteristic emphatic gesture and stomped even more on the poor anemic grass that grew in his garden. Aoi wondered whether anything would ever grow again in that place.
“Fine! But don't come whining to me about missing on some cool girls.”
Aoi snorted. “As if I didn't know what kind of girls come to these goukons. Thanks but no thanks.”
“No one's asking you to actually date them, you know. But you might consider one to rid you of your slight problem. You're 17 and haven't gone second base yet. Unforgivable!” Ruki exclaimed.
There really was no need to either, since they had had this argument almost every day for the past year or so. According to Ruki, there were stages one had to pass through at certain ages, in order to make sure to achieve a certain level of awesomeness. Personally, Aoi went for another completely different type of awesomeness that had nothing to do with girls. He just grunted in response. There was no point in getting in this argument again. He would have expected Ruki to keep ranting, as usual, but all of a sudden, the little guy (God forbid he hear him say that out loud) shot him a weird sharp look. Oh uh!
“You're hiding something.” Sometimes Ruki was just scarily perceptive.
“What would I be hiding?” Aoi tried to evade. It would probably be ineffective.
“You've been acting weird this week.”
“Just because I want to be a volunteer?” Aoi got up. He had enjoyed a nice long rest beneath the elm miraculously growing in his yard, but now that he found himself hunted by his friend - should he keep calling him that - he figured a more open space would be preferable.
“Now I know you're hiding something. Out with it! You know you can never keep secrets from me anyway. Why do you even bother trying?” Ruki tisked and the sounds he made were certainly revealing of his firm belief in the previous statement.
“There's nothing to say.”
“Fine. Then I will be forced to accompany you to the hospital and urge my presence onto those poor unsuspecting victims.” It wasn't an idle threat either, Aoi knew. The recently platinum blond was capable of anything when he put his mind to it. It was one of those qualities Aoi loved as well as hated about his best friend.
“Fine. But first promise me you won't come, not even for a visit.”
“Promise. Pinky promise and all that.” His face certainly advocated a plea of trust, but Aoi knew better. He'd probably run into Ruki at the hospital the next day. Still, it was better than him volunteering beside him, he suspected.
“There's a patient there. I like him. Figured we could become friends.” Aoi refrained from exchanging friends with boyfriends. Wasn't sure how that would go.
“So let me rephrase. You're skipping goukon to go hang out with a guy that you could probably hang out with even after he got out of the hospital.” Ruki was on the right track, like a dog following a scent. Thank the gods his mother's voice called them to lunch that very instant because Aoi could already feel Ruki's mind reaching the same conclusion he had only reached a few days ago: you're gay. Take that!
…
He had only had a migraine, probably induced by his mother's nagging to clean his room. (How could she even suggest he throw all his tankoubons! Those were cultural masterpieces.) So he had decided to skip school. Trust his mother to actually get him see the doctor. So there he was, waiting for his turn, an old lady on his left, reading through her spectacles a novel, and a young woman with a child on his right, trying to persuade the kid to stay silent - not going very well actually, which might be the reason his headache kept getting worse.
All of a sudden, he was distracted by a pair of legs draped in faded jeans that passed his field of vision. Intrigued, he raised his head and took in the boy that was getting seated on the chair in front of him. Slightly muscled arms, sharp chin and oval face, short silky-looking strands of hair plastered to milky white skin, dark circles underneath his mesmerizing eyes... Did he just think 'mesmerizing'? Full lips and a slightly crooked nose - probably been broken before. A few years younger than Aoi, but not by much and there was just something about those eyes... they looked weary and … old. Aoi was shocked to hear someone calling his name. When had the old lady gone in and come out? He took another glance at the boy. He was shivering and was paler than the moon. Seeing as he seemed to have his attention too, he ventured: “You can go in in my place if you want? You don't look so good.” Some people could get offended. The guy just shot him a grateful look, said thanks in a lilting baritone voice that sent shivers down Aoi's spine and went in. Aoi was left waiting.
About a quarter of an hour later, the boy finally got out, accompanied by the doctor. He looked worse than when he got in and Aoi would have thought that impossible.
“Are you all right?” He asked, against his better judgment, out of an unknown sense of compassion and - if he was honest with himself - a desire to get to know the other boy. Surprisingly, he wasn't glared at, nor was he dismissed. Instead, the boy leaned a bit towards him, and Aoi could get a whiff of deodorant. It was comforting, he found. The boy leaning into him only gave him pleasant feelings.
“I'm going to be admitted for a while.” He answered.
“Can I come with you?” Aoi was a firm advocate of 'live in the moment, care about consequences later' approach but even he thought his question weird. Why would a stranger admit to being accompanied by a weird guy asking a bunch of questions? Still, he asked. And surprisingly, the boy nodded. The doctor must have assumed they were friends and said nothing, just walking ahead. The boy seemed to curl even more into himself and in a completely unconscious gesture - for which Aoi would agonize over the next week - Aoi wound his arm around his waist and let him lean more on his own body. He almost let go immediately when the touch sent tingles down his arm and side and his heart started beating an agonizingly fast rhythm. Maybe he was sicker than he thought... He didn't have the benefit to analyze his sensations further for the boy whispered something.
“I'm Reita. Thank you for this.” He said and Aoi thought he shouldn't be thanking him since in the end, he was making himself happy too -even though he did not understand the whys and the hows of that.
“I'm Aoi. Why are you being hospitalized?” He dared to ask, seeing as the other boy was obviously a trusting, friendly guy.
“Aoi, did your mom never teach you to stop snooping other people's business?” Reita replied but Aoi noted the tone was not meant as a rebuff, more as a joke and he tightened his hold slightly. Reita didn't seem to notice. “They're not quite sure what is wrong with me. They're going to have to take more tests...”
“Oh. That sounds like it sucks.” Reita laughed lightly at that. The sound sent a shiver through Aoi.
“Big time. Why are you here?” Reita asked.
“Headache. Probably a cold or something.”
“I meant why are you here?” He asked again, stressing the 'here' in it and Aoi finally caught up.
“Because I want to be.” Was the only answer he could give, but it seemed to be enough to Reita. Thank the gods for small blessings.
After a few minutes and several turns and elevator rides, they were finally ushered into a pristine white room, with several empty beds. The doctor indicated Reita should just pick one and that later a nurse would drop by to keep him informed. Breakfast, lunch and dinner would be taken in the cafeteria as long as he was a walking patient, a nurse would bring over his meds and take him to the several tests he was scheduled for. Did he have any questions? Aoi had some, but Reita only shook his head, so for the first time that day he actually kept his mouth shut. The doctor left soon after and the two boys picked the bed closest to the windows and Aoi helped Reita lie down. The boy seemed to collapse before his eyes.
“Can I get you anything?” He asked, wanting to take that look of pain off Reita's face.
“Some water would be nice. Later, I have to phone my mum and tell her about this. Need to get her approval, the doc said, otherwise there'll be no tests. I also need to ask her for some other things, seeing as I'm going to be here for a while.”
“I can also get you a sandwich or something.” Aoi offered.
“Thanks, but I'm not hungry.” Reita replied. He sounded tired.
“Did you eat anything?” Aoi pressed on, even though he knew Reita was probably not interested in conversation.
“No. But I'm not hungry.” Even though tired, the warmth from the brown eyes did not go away. He could get lost in that warmth, Aoi thought.
“You should still eat. I'm getting you a sandwich and some hot tea from the vending machine. Wait here.”
“Not like I'll be going anywhere.” Reita joked and Aoi huffed. He was out the door and flying down the stairs next. Later, when he came back, he found Reita asleep, his steady breaths filling the silence of the room and Aoi simply put the tea and sandwich on the nightstand before deciding to leave. He also decided he'd be back
…
He had gone back, the following day, and Reita was having an MRI -whatever that was; he'd look it up later. The nurse told him it would take a while, so Aoi figured he'd better postpone till the next day. His mom would grill him if he skipped any more classes, after all.
The next day, he had found Reita sleeping again. The black circles seemed to be almost gone, but his lips were parched and skinned, as if Reita had been biting them. Aoi went to the pharmacy, bought some lip balm and left it on the nightstand, again.
After that, he could only visit him on Friday, a whole four days after Reita had been admitted and Reita's mom was in the room so they only got to exchange pleasantries before he found it was better to make himself scarce. Seeing as fate had been interfering at every turn, Aoi didn't find it odd at all to stumble upon the add hidden in the principal's office, about volunteering for the hospital and jumped upon the opportunity.
Only when he got home, did two facts assert themselves with shocking clarity: he was going to give up his comfortable life - however temporarily- to work in one of the places he liked least in this world, all to get to spend time with a boy he never knew. And, he was actually excited about seeing him again, so excited that he felt like running over right now and tell him the news. In fact, he had never been as excited about anything in his life, and seeing as we were talking about the Duracell rabbit like character, Aoi, that was saying something. Only then did he remember Ruki and the goukon and Aoi stumbled upon another realization.
He was 17, an age at which - as his best friend liked to say - he should have already put it in where it counted. (Aoi strongly disagreed with that statement.) He had had plans to go to a goukon with some cute girls, therefore postponing the possibility of the putting in to happen. He was giving it up for a boy he barely knew, but a boy that had sent him running around like a mad person for the last week, a boy whose eyes he thought were mesmerizing, and whose laugh warmed him from the inside out, feelings he had never had about a girl. Actually, he had never had strong feelings about any girl. At this point, Aoi's train of thought ran away from him and derailed from its tracks into loud exclamations, statements of denial and surprise, and finally, once the mechanic had arrived at the scene, into acceptance. I like Reita. I like him as more than a friend (insert image of full red lips). Oh my... I'm gay!
It turned out to be a surprisingly easy thing to accept. He knew that it hadn't quite settled in yet, and probably wouldn't finish cementing until he was grilled by Ruki on the topic, but it felt somehow... right. And Aoi always went with his gut feeling, so...
…
The interview for the volunteer position was on Monday morning and he was the first and only applicant. He had figured it would be an easy job to get, but he still hadn't quite realized the extent to which young students disliked hospitals. He was early, cheerful and motivated. The interview went without a glitch and he got his answer immediately. Starting the next day, he would work 6 hours a day in the hospital, for two weeks. It was a volunteering position, so he wasn't even getting payed. Aoi smartly decided not to start analyzing that. Once his interview was over, Aoi took advantage of his visit and sneaked into Reita's room.
He almost turned back when he saw Reita asleep, but something he didn't want to dwell on made him approach the bed, sit on the uncomfortable chair and gaze at him instead. He figured it would only be for a few minutes. Just as he was getting ready to get up and go, he noticed Reita's breathing picking up, although his eyes were still closed. Aoi watched, waiting to see if the man would wake up, but instead of waking up, Reita's fingers started moving, then his head shook a bit and his brows furrowed. He was having a nightmare. Aoi put his hand on his forearm and just like that, Reita woke.
He blinked rapidly at first, clearly trying to figure out where he was and who was with him, and once his breathing settled down and he seemed to relax a bit, the warm look when looking at Aoi was back in his eyes. Aoi smiled in response.
“Hey.” Aoi started.
“Hey back. What are you doing here?” It was a normal question, but Aoi's heart still got a sting from it. Reita must have been a mind-reader, because he quickly added. “I'm glad you're here.” And then blushed. Aoi grinned even harder.
“I'm going to be volunteering at this hospital, starting tomorrow. How old are you?” He had been curious.
“Fifteen. You?” Reita shot back while sitting more comfortable on his side, propped up on the pillows, his gaze level with Aoi's.
“Seventeen. Going to be eighteen in a couple of months though.”
“Why volunteer?”
He shouldn't answer with the truth, should he? Aoi asked himself. Too bad his mouth ran faster than his brain.
“You're here.” He blurted out. “And lately I've been thinking about being a doctor.” He quickly added, to hide the importance of the first statement. From the look on Reita's face, he figured the subterfuge didn't work. Reita didn't press the matter though.
“Why a doctor? I hear university is extremely hard. And then, it doesn't get better.”
“I've been in and out of hospitals since I can remember.” He shrugged and then proceeded in telling him about the numerous accidents he had found himself in over the years. More often than not, they got Reita to laugh, so it was completely justifiable if he exaggerated here and there. Time flew by.
It was already noon by the time Aoi got up and said his goodbyes, not once having asked why Reita was in the hospital. After a week since being admitted, and Reita still being there and not talking about it, it had to be something serious and Aoi knew that if Reita trusted him, he'd open up in his own time.
“Thank you. For coming and not asking.” Reita whispered just before Aoi opened the door. Aoi gave him a thumbs up and exited before his courage got the better of him and he did something he'd regret.
…
Volunteering at the hospital was, as expected, boring and tedious. He only got to do menial jobs like changing the sheets, taking dirty laundry to the cleaners, getting the patients' food etc. It was also surprisingly busy, so he only got to rest for a few minutes at a time. It was no coincidence that those minutes were always spent with Reita.
On such a break, Ruki dropped by. Aoi was not surprised.
“Yo.” The boy entered and his eyes widened slightly at seeing them sitting so close together and talking animatedly.
“Reita, this is my best friend, Ruki, also known as my greatest pain in the ass.” Aoi started the introductions. “Ruki, this is Reita.” His mouth said while his eyes screamed warnings: do not upset him or I'll skin you alive.
“Hi, Ruki. Aoi talked a bit about you.” Reita followed up.
“Just a bit? No gratitude, I tell you...” Ruki joked. “ So how's the hospital work?” He turned towards Aoi. In reality, he was asking: how long have you been here?
“Taking a break. Tiring. Anything new at school?” Aoi asked and the underlining meaning was: why are you not there?
It was a testament of the time spent together that the two could have two completely different conversations at the same time and not get it wrong.
“Lots of homework, you'll be glad to find out. But you'll also be happy to hear the festival got advanced because of weather conditions, so next week, no classes, which means no homework, which means less catching up to do.”
Aoi saw a shadow pass on the brunet's face.
“Reita?”
“I just hadn't realized you wouldn't be excused from schoolwork during this time.” He voiced. Aoi couldn't tell if it was concern he was hearing or sadness. However, both were emotions he did not want Reita to feel.
“Oh, the teachers are pretty leniant.” Ruki jumped in. “Aoi's just anal about his grades.”
“Hey!” Aoi loudly protested.
“It makes sense if you want to get into medical school.” Reita jumped to his defense and Aoi could feel himself blushing. Was Reita being protective? Ruki also seemed to thinks so because his brows had shot up.
Their talk was interrupted by Reita's doctor and even though Aoi wanted to hear that conversation, he knew that it was not his place, and even less Ruki's, so he sat up and started excusing himself, when Reita's hand shot up and grabbed his wrist.
“Stay. Please.” He said and not even an earthquake could have moved Aoi more. Ruki, bless him, got the atmosphere, and said goodbye, not without first shooting him a look promising a lengthy conversation as soon as Aoi got home. Once Ruki had left, the doctor started.
“Reita, it would be better if your parents were here.” He said.
“They're coming this afternoon.”
“Then, I can always come back later.”
“No.” It was almost a shout and it got the doctor to stop in his tracks. “I'd rather know beforehand.” Again Aoi wondered why Reita was being so mature. He was only fifteen, but Reita acted more grown up than many adults Aoi had seen. And he had seen many since started his volunteering job.
“Well, we have the results. It took longer because we had to repeat several, in order to make sure the diagnosis was right... You have a brain tumor.” Reita squeezed Aoi's wrist to the point it hurt. Aoi put his right palm over Reita's hand and held on tighter in return. “It's small, which is why we didn't see it on the CT scan. The only way to know if it's malignant or not would be to have a biopsy, however, considering the area it is in, I and my colleagues think that chemotherapy would be a better choice. In a few weeks, considering the size of the tumor and the effect of the treatment, we can decide again whether it should be surgically removed. However, there is always the possibility of removing it right now. I need to give more details about the treatments and the diagnosis to your parents, so if you could send them to my office as soon as they arrive...” The doctor had spoken in a soft, comforting tone, but that couldn't help much, Aoi thought. It was cancer . You couldn't sweeten a news like that. Reita only nodded and the doctor, taking another look at their entwined hands, decided he could retreat.
Aoi turned and waited, simply taking in his friend's paleness, the tears threatening to fall from his beautiful eyes, the quiver of his lips and his fast breathing. Reita was holding himself back from breaking down. Aoi wanted to be there and in one impulsive moment, decided he would always want to be there. So he lifted his right hand, cupped Reita's cheek and with his thumb caressed the soft skin, before leaning in and softly kissed him. It was just a brush of lips, a show of affection more or less and it could have been dismissed as a way to give comfort if Reita hadn't responded. If he hadn't felt the petal soft lips move beneath his own, if his eyes hadn't talked about more than gratitude.
Aoi didn't push and Reita didn't linger and the kiss only lasted a few moments. But Aoi had already felt his world tilt on its axis. With their foreheads pressed together, Aoi could feel the chill of the other boy's skin, could sense the tremors racking his frame and he desperately wanted to make it all go away. But he couldn't. So he waited.
Reita finally talked.
“It's not exactly a surprise.” He said, and his voice was soft, yet heavy with pain. “I've been having migraines more or less constantly for the last three or four months. I lost my appetite, had sudden bouts of nausea and fainting spells. At first, we thought it was anemia. I took a blood test. Everything was okay. Later, we also took other tests, for parasites, infections... They all came negative. I wanted to go to an oncologist, but my mum insisted on this doctor. She knows him since university apparently and trusts him...”
Perhaps it wasn't a surprise, but it didn't make the thing less scary. Aoi placed a soft kiss on Reita's cheek. The boy smiled.
“You're something else, you know?” Reita said and Aoi started to draw back, only to give up when Reita's arms drew around him and kept him in place. “The only reason I'm handling this without completely freaking out is because you're here. Anyone else, they would have started protesting, asking questions, expressing their sorrow... anything but stay silent and wait, while offering wordless comfort. I don't know if it's just me, but I don't think so. You can read people, Aoi, and that's why I think you could be anything you wanted to be. The fact that you're thinking about being a doctor is just... good, I guess.” Reita shrugged. He couldn't phrase it any other way apparently. Aoi knew there was more, so he patiently waited. Reita had hidden his face in his shoulder, his arms wound tight around his torso and his breathing a bit calmer.
“I can hear your heart, you know. It makes me calmer.”
“I'm glad.” Aoi whispered.
“You kissed me. And I kissed back.” It was as simple as that, apparently. Aoi couldn't agree more. This was not a time for complications. “But Aoi, you don't need to be here. This isn't a cold that will go away tomorrow, the chemo could take months, if it doesn't work...”
“It will work.” It wasn't just idle hope. Somehow, Aoi knew it would work. It had to. Because Reita had woven himself so effortlessly into his life, he couldn't imagine it without him anymore. And Aoi had a pretty good imagination. So what he couldn't imagine, couldn't happen. It was a stupid thought but it helped them both, the conviction he managed to infuse into that one phrase.
“It still won't be pleasant. I don't want you to see me like that. I...”
“I'm not going anywhere.” And again, his tone brooked no arguments. Aoi was a pretty go-lucky guy, anyone could tell you that but when it came to push or shove, Aoi always shoved. If he decided something, nothing could make him change his mind. Reita seemed to instinctively sense that.
“I could make you stay away.” It was hypothetical, Aoi could read it in his tone.
“I'd climb in through the window.” Aoi joked. Reita smiled. His tears had dried, his breathing was lowering. He was falling asleep. Aoi didn't let go. He stayed like that until Reita's parents arrived an hour later. With a look filled with meaning and a promise to come back the next day, Aoi left.
As expected, Ruki was waiting for him at his place. The moment the other boy saw him, he rushed to his side and hugged him tight.
“What happened?” He asked. Aoi hugged back and for a brief moment allowed himself to be comforted.
“He has cancer.” Why did his voice sound chocked? “A brain tumor.”
“Will he be okay?” Ruki always asked the right questions.
“Yes.”
Ruki simply accepted that, without once doubting Aoi's words, although he must have sensed Aoi's despair. Not everything was clear cut as that...
“You love him.” Ruki stated. They had sat down on the porch and were watching the garden roses swaying slightly in the wind.
“I think so.”
“I'll be going to goukons alone from now on, won't I?” Ruki joked and Aoi discovered he could laugh and he did. He inwardly thanked his friend. They stayed in comfortable silence for a few moments before Ruki's curiosity got the hold of him, but by then, Aoi had come to terms with the news too.
“Tell me everything and don't dare to leave anything out.”
So Aoi told him about meeting Reita, about the connection he'd felt, how he had come to the epiphany that he wanted the other boy. By the end of his story, he discovered he was finally at peace with himself about the matter. The fact that Ruki didn't once look at him differently or doubted him, it helped immensely. He hadn't expected anything but acceptance, but the fact that there was not even a slight distancing from Ruki's part was like a balm to his soul.
“How come you didn't fall for me?” Ruki pouted. Trust him to make even sexuality into a contest.
“And have my heart broken by all those ladies? Thanks but no thanks.” Aoi joked. Ruki nodded, content with the answer.
“I'm still prettier.” Aoi did laugh at that.
“Between the two of us, I could swear you were the gay one.” Aoi got a light punch for that line.
“I'll have you know I adore girls' soft curves. You might be pretty, Aoi, but you lack the proper equipment.” Ruki defended his honor.
“Thank god for that.” Aoi deadpanned.
“Will you tell your parents? Does Reita know?”
“I will. You know I tell them everything. My mom will understand and support me. My dad... he'll come to terms with it eventually.”
“It doesn't have to be right now, you know. You could wait.” Ruki argued but Aoi decided like he always did: he chose what felt right. Keeping this a secret didn't feel right. He shook his head.
“And I think he knows. I... kissed him today.” He actually stuttered at that. How pathetic was he? Ruki smiled like a cheshire cat. “Not what you're imagining. He had just got the news and I wanted to comfort him... Not that I hadn't wanted to do it before that... It's not pity or anything.” he tripped over his own words, and Ruki's grin only got bigger.
“Did he kiss back?” Ruki inquired although he could probably see the answer written on Aoi's forehead or something.
“Yeah.” He admitted.
“When's the wedding?” It was Aoi's turn to punch his friend. Moments of silence stretched on and now a butterfly was circling the roses.
“I'm happy for you.” Ruki whispered. Aoi blinked. Ruki wasn't the type to become emotional. “Even though I resent the fact that you'll be in a relationship before me.” There was the old Ruki again. It didn't make the previous phrase less meaningful. Ruki stood up. “I left today's notes and the homework in your room. Get some sleep.” he said and turned towards the gate.
Aoi watched Ruki go out and then close it before leaning over it and adding:
“And Aoi? I liked him. He's strong and caring. He'll be good for you.” He said before he sprinted away from Aoi's house.
That was another thing about his friend that Aoi appreciated. Ruki could also read people, but in an entirely different way from Aoi. Ruki was more rational, analytic. He took one look and someone and from his gestures, speech and gaze deduced who they were. Aoi, he could feel it somehow. Whereas Ruki deduced it, Aoi felt it. And personally, he could never put it into words.
A/N: Thank you for all the comments. Like promised, a week later and I made it especially long because I was so happy with them. Like I said, bunny sustenance, so keep them coming, okay? Tell me what you thought of this too. Hope you liked it. Squish