Notes for "Before You Can Love Me"
These are the notes for " Before You Can Love Me."
"Being oppressed means the absence of choices."
-- bell hooks
"I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to someone else's ignorance."
-- bell hooks
"I want there to be a place in the world where people can engage in one another’s differences in a way that is redemptive, full of hope and possibility. Not this 'In order to love you, I must make you something else.' That’s what domination is all about, that in order to be close to you, I must possess you, remake and recast you."
-- bell hooks
"I want a man who will be there for me when I need him, someone who will listen to me and offer advice when I'm struggling, and someone who will just be there to share the good times with. A partner who understands me and knows how to make me feel special is what I truly desire."
[---8<---]
"I want a man who is kind and understanding. A man who would never purposefully hurt me. A man who is strong, but not overbearing. A man who is truly interested in learning about me and what makes me tick." - Unknown
[---8<---]
"Above all, I want someone who loves and accepts me for who I am, my flaws, and all. I want someone who sees the beauty in me, even on my worst days. Someone who will be there for me through thick and thin. That's what I want in a man."
-- What I Want in a Man
"You have to learn to love yourself before you can love me or accept my loving."
-- Audre Lorde
A wrap dress is flattering and comfortable for a wide range of bodies. Learn how to tie one. This is the wrap dress that Warshirt brings to Spotted Deer.
An educational consultant is a person who helps high school and college students to plan their coursework and adults to make plans for continuing education in Terramagne-America. If a student of any age has an extended medical absence, develops superpowers, or gets pushed out of school (rather than choosing to drop out), then an educational consultant offers to help them figure out an educational plan to compensate for that, so they don't get shortchanged.
In this case, the characters enjoy a much better situation for recovery from human trafficking compared with many others.
1) These survivors don't have a personal attachment to an abuser. Most of them were sold or kidnapped rather than enticed in by a Romeo pimp, and most also changed hands multiple times.
2) The tribe agreed to support 12 survivors from Merry Acres, and has since expanded to taking in other people with totem gifts. So there's no begging for help from an unsupportive government; the tribe just provides necessities like food and shelter.
3) Due to the issue of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls, tribes are keenly aware of the human trafficking problem, so most have developed resources to cope with that.
4) Terramagne-America is much more serious about the government's responsibility to foster children in its care, which means all the foster survivors are owed both support and damages by the state that failed to protect them. If it's another state, and they decided to stay in Montana, then that state owes Montana for their care.
5) In Terramagne-America, nobody below the age of consent is capable of committing prostitution or related sex crimes. It is always child molestation.
6) The Blackfeet Reservation has a variety of options for mental health and wellness, as well as contacts with other tribes. Anything exceeding their capacity would get picked up by the state or federal government per their arrangement with the tribe about caring for the survivors.
7) Tribes are very familiar with educational abuse and its trauma. Here they have the Blackfeet Community College, among other resources.
8) A tribe doesn't run just on U.S. dollars. It typically has some sort of barter, social exchange, or alternative currency. Elders keep track of what things need to be done, who needs work, and then match up tasks with skills. So nobody who wants to work has to stay idle, more stuff gets done, and it's easy to learn job skills from a mentor or supervisor. Employers are used to tribal employees who may not have higher education or conventional job skills, so those aren't a barrier here like they are in many other places.
Many to the links below are distressing, so consider that before clicking through.
Read about sustainable recovery for trafficking survivors.
Utilizing Trauma‐Informed Approaches to Trafficking‐related Work
The 12 Core Concepts for Understanding Traumatic Stress Responses in Children and Families - Adapted for Youth who are Trafficked
Victims of human trafficking need a trauma-informed approach, mental care, safety planning, and other resources.
Terramagne-America provides ready access to mental care for wellness, illness, and injury. People can find services through community health clinics, mental clinics, community centers, youth centers, senior centers, churches, and more. Many short-term, targeted services are free for public health purposes. People often like this approach because they can work on one issue, then pick a different one for the next module. Longer, deeper treatment is usually purchased from a mental clinic or private care, but insurance is required to cover it. Of course, in a health nexus, everything is covered for all members. If you have total coverage, thank a supervillain! An advantage of long-term care is continuity and taking time to work through an issue completely. So it's easy for people to look at a menu of options and piece together a treatment plan that seems right for them.
The Blackfeet Reservation takes a similar approach, but they add a lot of culturally specific options aimed at helping people solve their problems through traditional values and customs. Due to the problem of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls, they have multiple programs specifically for families and survivors of human trafficking and sexual exploitation. Substance abuse and educational abuse are other areas with plentiful support. Along with regular nutritional guidelines, they also have "decolonize your diet" options promoting a healthy diet based on traditional foods.
A patch test (short for patchwork test) measures familiarity with life skills and related knowledge. Life skills are the basic techniques needed for everyday tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and shopping. This assessment tool measures how well children or teens are progressing toward independent living. This assessment focuses on people with disabilities or other challenges. Browse a manual of basic life skills. T-America encourages teens and new adults to measure their fluency in life skills, so they can fill any gaps before those cause serious trouble. You can pretty much walk into any community center or community clinic there, and they'll either have someone who does that stuff or they can tell you where to go for it. There are many more ways to improve your life.
Understand the elements of self-compassion. Practice the exercises. Test your self-compassion.
Coping with challenges involves a variety of skills. Explore some worksheets. There are different types of coping skills useful for relaxation and grounding. Try going down a list to see which ones work for you.
Nutrition for mental health includes foods for raising energy, improving mood, reducing depression, relieving stress, and decolonizing your diet.
26 Mental Health Exercises & Interventions Based on Science
31 Tips to Boost Your Mental Health
This set of counseling sessions covers rapport, life timeline, identification of feelings, symptoms of feelings, how to feel your feelings, emotion regulation, thoughts and feelings, cognitive distortions, coping skills, family therapy, communication, and discharge.
This set of counseling sessions offers wellness modules on mental health matters, stress, social support, problem solving, anger management, sleep, eating, healthy thinking, finding balance, technology, and mindfulness.
Recovering from human trafficking takes a lot of work. See a treatment guide for commercial sexual exploitation. There are resource guides for survivors and for peer counselors.
Healing after child sexual abuse is also hard. Here is a manual for survivors and a workbook.
Recovering from rape and sexual trauma can involve a lot of self-help and self-care. Explore resources for sexual assault recovery, survivor care, and storytelling. The Little Green Book is a workbook for survivors.
Resilience is what lets people bounce back from a hardship and includes emotional resilience, positive psychology, resilicence theory, and resilience skills. There are ways to become more resilient and build resilience. Explore resilience worksheets and resilience exericses. Here is a general resilience workbook and one for QUILTBAG folks. Consider a resilience toolkit for times of change. Check out an emotional resilience workbook and a presentation on building resilience. Applying resilience gives you the best start.
The Life Skills offering isn't really a "course," just an ongoing series. It typically has at least one session per week, often more, at various locations around the Blackfeet Reservation. Sessions are taught by a mix of elders, parents, teachers, and guest speakers on a wide range of topics. Explore life skills everyone should learn and some general worksheets. Here is a handbook of activities and a student workbook of basic life skills. These worksheets cover secondary school and this workbook is for adolescents. Here is a core life skills workbook and one for independent living skills.
Turning whites pink (by leaving a colored item in the load) is a common laundry mistake. Usually it's a red item but sometimes orange, purple, brown, or black will bleed pink; it depends on the pigment used.
Economic empowerment through business skills helps human trafficking survivors gain independence. Explore a workbook, a textbook, and a facilitator guide for financial wellness. Here are workbooks for financial literacy, general budgeting, and personal budgeting.
Advocacy for survivors of sexual violence helps to support their recovery. Explore self-care and anti-oppression materials.
Overcoming oppression presents many challenges because it relates to power, madness., and many forms of domination. Pursue self-awareness with a facilitator guide and participant workbook. Learn how to heal from oppression. Browse a community builder toolkit and community building skills. Here are more toolkits for taking action. Explore the theatre of the oppress. Liberate yourself from internalized oppression.
Relationship skills are things everyone needs to build a healthy relationship. Learn how to improve your relationships skills and solve common problems.
Understand healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Figure out what you want in a relationship. Know what traits to look for in a guy.
Know how to fight human trafficking.
So, exactly when and how does a survivor earn the right to control her own body and choices? *crickets chirping* That's very rarely mentioned.
Here's a better idea: Don't initiate sex/romance with anyone you know to be a survivor of such trauma. If she broaches the topic, with actions or preferably words, then you can discuss it. If you're not comfortable having that kind of relationship with that kind of person, then say so and enforce your platonic boundaries, gently if possible and firmly if necessary. If you're willing to consider the possibility, then keep talking. Ask her what kind of work she's done to sort out the mess left by sex trauma; you don't need details, just a general idea of ground covered. For instance, does she know that what happened was wrong and not her fault? Can she list some boundaries she doesn't want to cross? Just be prepared in case she feels like using you as an emotional garbage can, because that happens a lot with survivors. If you can't handle that, this is probably not the relationship for you. Also ask what she's looking for in a relationship, and then compare that to what if anything you want from same.
If everything seems to match well, then you may proceed with whatever next steps seem mutually appealing, at slow speed so you can catch mishaps before they go too far. If you're not sure yet, then one or both of you may need to do more work or talk with someone else about whether and how to progress. It's possible that the survivor, or even you, will make mistakes despite this care. That's okay; people have a right to make choices, take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them. Equip yourselves to handle that too. Nobody gets through any relationship without fucking up, this kind just has more landmines than average. What matters is how you deal with that.
Self-forgiveness is an important life skill with many benefits. Learn some techniques and exercises on how to forgive yourself. Read a workbook, a handbook, and some worksheets about self-forgiveness. Understand its role in moral injury. Forgiving yourself and others is part of forgiveness for everyone. Explore the REACH method. Browse some DIY Workbooks from Positive Psychology
Self-love is a key to happiness. Explore some exercises, worksheets, printables, and a workbook about it. Self-care and self-confidence support self-love.
"Land of the burning ground" -- The history and traditions of Indigenous people in Yellowstone
To the Crow, it was the "land of the burning ground" or "land of vapors;" to the Blackfeet it was known as "many smoke;" to the Flatheads it was "smoke from the ground;" to the Kiowa it was called "the place of hot water."
"Being oppressed means the absence of choices."
-- bell hooks
"I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to someone else's ignorance."
-- bell hooks
"I want there to be a place in the world where people can engage in one another’s differences in a way that is redemptive, full of hope and possibility. Not this 'In order to love you, I must make you something else.' That’s what domination is all about, that in order to be close to you, I must possess you, remake and recast you."
-- bell hooks
"I want a man who will be there for me when I need him, someone who will listen to me and offer advice when I'm struggling, and someone who will just be there to share the good times with. A partner who understands me and knows how to make me feel special is what I truly desire."
[---8<---]
"I want a man who is kind and understanding. A man who would never purposefully hurt me. A man who is strong, but not overbearing. A man who is truly interested in learning about me and what makes me tick." - Unknown
[---8<---]
"Above all, I want someone who loves and accepts me for who I am, my flaws, and all. I want someone who sees the beauty in me, even on my worst days. Someone who will be there for me through thick and thin. That's what I want in a man."
-- What I Want in a Man
"You have to learn to love yourself before you can love me or accept my loving."
-- Audre Lorde
A wrap dress is flattering and comfortable for a wide range of bodies. Learn how to tie one. This is the wrap dress that Warshirt brings to Spotted Deer.
An educational consultant is a person who helps high school and college students to plan their coursework and adults to make plans for continuing education in Terramagne-America. If a student of any age has an extended medical absence, develops superpowers, or gets pushed out of school (rather than choosing to drop out), then an educational consultant offers to help them figure out an educational plan to compensate for that, so they don't get shortchanged.
In this case, the characters enjoy a much better situation for recovery from human trafficking compared with many others.
1) These survivors don't have a personal attachment to an abuser. Most of them were sold or kidnapped rather than enticed in by a Romeo pimp, and most also changed hands multiple times.
2) The tribe agreed to support 12 survivors from Merry Acres, and has since expanded to taking in other people with totem gifts. So there's no begging for help from an unsupportive government; the tribe just provides necessities like food and shelter.
3) Due to the issue of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls, tribes are keenly aware of the human trafficking problem, so most have developed resources to cope with that.
4) Terramagne-America is much more serious about the government's responsibility to foster children in its care, which means all the foster survivors are owed both support and damages by the state that failed to protect them. If it's another state, and they decided to stay in Montana, then that state owes Montana for their care.
5) In Terramagne-America, nobody below the age of consent is capable of committing prostitution or related sex crimes. It is always child molestation.
6) The Blackfeet Reservation has a variety of options for mental health and wellness, as well as contacts with other tribes. Anything exceeding their capacity would get picked up by the state or federal government per their arrangement with the tribe about caring for the survivors.
7) Tribes are very familiar with educational abuse and its trauma. Here they have the Blackfeet Community College, among other resources.
8) A tribe doesn't run just on U.S. dollars. It typically has some sort of barter, social exchange, or alternative currency. Elders keep track of what things need to be done, who needs work, and then match up tasks with skills. So nobody who wants to work has to stay idle, more stuff gets done, and it's easy to learn job skills from a mentor or supervisor. Employers are used to tribal employees who may not have higher education or conventional job skills, so those aren't a barrier here like they are in many other places.
Many to the links below are distressing, so consider that before clicking through.
Read about sustainable recovery for trafficking survivors.
Utilizing Trauma‐Informed Approaches to Trafficking‐related Work
The 12 Core Concepts for Understanding Traumatic Stress Responses in Children and Families - Adapted for Youth who are Trafficked
Victims of human trafficking need a trauma-informed approach, mental care, safety planning, and other resources.
Terramagne-America provides ready access to mental care for wellness, illness, and injury. People can find services through community health clinics, mental clinics, community centers, youth centers, senior centers, churches, and more. Many short-term, targeted services are free for public health purposes. People often like this approach because they can work on one issue, then pick a different one for the next module. Longer, deeper treatment is usually purchased from a mental clinic or private care, but insurance is required to cover it. Of course, in a health nexus, everything is covered for all members. If you have total coverage, thank a supervillain! An advantage of long-term care is continuity and taking time to work through an issue completely. So it's easy for people to look at a menu of options and piece together a treatment plan that seems right for them.
The Blackfeet Reservation takes a similar approach, but they add a lot of culturally specific options aimed at helping people solve their problems through traditional values and customs. Due to the problem of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls, they have multiple programs specifically for families and survivors of human trafficking and sexual exploitation. Substance abuse and educational abuse are other areas with plentiful support. Along with regular nutritional guidelines, they also have "decolonize your diet" options promoting a healthy diet based on traditional foods.
A patch test (short for patchwork test) measures familiarity with life skills and related knowledge. Life skills are the basic techniques needed for everyday tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and shopping. This assessment tool measures how well children or teens are progressing toward independent living. This assessment focuses on people with disabilities or other challenges. Browse a manual of basic life skills. T-America encourages teens and new adults to measure their fluency in life skills, so they can fill any gaps before those cause serious trouble. You can pretty much walk into any community center or community clinic there, and they'll either have someone who does that stuff or they can tell you where to go for it. There are many more ways to improve your life.
Understand the elements of self-compassion. Practice the exercises. Test your self-compassion.
Coping with challenges involves a variety of skills. Explore some worksheets. There are different types of coping skills useful for relaxation and grounding. Try going down a list to see which ones work for you.
Nutrition for mental health includes foods for raising energy, improving mood, reducing depression, relieving stress, and decolonizing your diet.
26 Mental Health Exercises & Interventions Based on Science
31 Tips to Boost Your Mental Health
This set of counseling sessions covers rapport, life timeline, identification of feelings, symptoms of feelings, how to feel your feelings, emotion regulation, thoughts and feelings, cognitive distortions, coping skills, family therapy, communication, and discharge.
This set of counseling sessions offers wellness modules on mental health matters, stress, social support, problem solving, anger management, sleep, eating, healthy thinking, finding balance, technology, and mindfulness.
Recovering from human trafficking takes a lot of work. See a treatment guide for commercial sexual exploitation. There are resource guides for survivors and for peer counselors.
Healing after child sexual abuse is also hard. Here is a manual for survivors and a workbook.
Recovering from rape and sexual trauma can involve a lot of self-help and self-care. Explore resources for sexual assault recovery, survivor care, and storytelling. The Little Green Book is a workbook for survivors.
Resilience is what lets people bounce back from a hardship and includes emotional resilience, positive psychology, resilicence theory, and resilience skills. There are ways to become more resilient and build resilience. Explore resilience worksheets and resilience exericses. Here is a general resilience workbook and one for QUILTBAG folks. Consider a resilience toolkit for times of change. Check out an emotional resilience workbook and a presentation on building resilience. Applying resilience gives you the best start.
The Life Skills offering isn't really a "course," just an ongoing series. It typically has at least one session per week, often more, at various locations around the Blackfeet Reservation. Sessions are taught by a mix of elders, parents, teachers, and guest speakers on a wide range of topics. Explore life skills everyone should learn and some general worksheets. Here is a handbook of activities and a student workbook of basic life skills. These worksheets cover secondary school and this workbook is for adolescents. Here is a core life skills workbook and one for independent living skills.
Turning whites pink (by leaving a colored item in the load) is a common laundry mistake. Usually it's a red item but sometimes orange, purple, brown, or black will bleed pink; it depends on the pigment used.
Economic empowerment through business skills helps human trafficking survivors gain independence. Explore a workbook, a textbook, and a facilitator guide for financial wellness. Here are workbooks for financial literacy, general budgeting, and personal budgeting.
Advocacy for survivors of sexual violence helps to support their recovery. Explore self-care and anti-oppression materials.
Overcoming oppression presents many challenges because it relates to power, madness., and many forms of domination. Pursue self-awareness with a facilitator guide and participant workbook. Learn how to heal from oppression. Browse a community builder toolkit and community building skills. Here are more toolkits for taking action. Explore the theatre of the oppress. Liberate yourself from internalized oppression.
Relationship skills are things everyone needs to build a healthy relationship. Learn how to improve your relationships skills and solve common problems.
Understand healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Figure out what you want in a relationship. Know what traits to look for in a guy.
Know how to fight human trafficking.
So, exactly when and how does a survivor earn the right to control her own body and choices? *crickets chirping* That's very rarely mentioned.
Here's a better idea: Don't initiate sex/romance with anyone you know to be a survivor of such trauma. If she broaches the topic, with actions or preferably words, then you can discuss it. If you're not comfortable having that kind of relationship with that kind of person, then say so and enforce your platonic boundaries, gently if possible and firmly if necessary. If you're willing to consider the possibility, then keep talking. Ask her what kind of work she's done to sort out the mess left by sex trauma; you don't need details, just a general idea of ground covered. For instance, does she know that what happened was wrong and not her fault? Can she list some boundaries she doesn't want to cross? Just be prepared in case she feels like using you as an emotional garbage can, because that happens a lot with survivors. If you can't handle that, this is probably not the relationship for you. Also ask what she's looking for in a relationship, and then compare that to what if anything you want from same.
If everything seems to match well, then you may proceed with whatever next steps seem mutually appealing, at slow speed so you can catch mishaps before they go too far. If you're not sure yet, then one or both of you may need to do more work or talk with someone else about whether and how to progress. It's possible that the survivor, or even you, will make mistakes despite this care. That's okay; people have a right to make choices, take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them. Equip yourselves to handle that too. Nobody gets through any relationship without fucking up, this kind just has more landmines than average. What matters is how you deal with that.
Self-forgiveness is an important life skill with many benefits. Learn some techniques and exercises on how to forgive yourself. Read a workbook, a handbook, and some worksheets about self-forgiveness. Understand its role in moral injury. Forgiving yourself and others is part of forgiveness for everyone. Explore the REACH method. Browse some DIY Workbooks from Positive Psychology
Self-love is a key to happiness. Explore some exercises, worksheets, printables, and a workbook about it. Self-care and self-confidence support self-love.
"Land of the burning ground" -- The history and traditions of Indigenous people in Yellowstone
To the Crow, it was the "land of the burning ground" or "land of vapors;" to the Blackfeet it was known as "many smoke;" to the Flatheads it was "smoke from the ground;" to the Kiowa it was called "the place of hot water."