Poem: "Before You Can Love Me"
This poem is spillover from the April 4, 2023 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from ng_moonmoth and DW user See_also_friend. It also fills the "Damsel / Gentleman in Distress" square in my 4-1-23 card for the Gothic Bingo fest. This poem belongs to the Iron Horses thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
This microfunded poem is being posted one verse at a time, as donations come in to cover them. The rate is $0.50/line, so $5 will reveal 10 new lines, and so forth. There is a permanent donation button on my profile page, or you can contact me for other arrangements. You can also ask me about the number of lines per verse, if you want to fund a certain number of verses.
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WARNING: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes past reference to sex trafficking, confusion over sex/gender relations, various kinds of girl-initiated contact between younger girls and an older man, painfully awkward interpersonal conversations, issues about self-determination and body autonomy in sex trafficking survivors, serious expression of interest without pushing to progress a relationship immediately, mutual caregiving in a currently platonic relationship, old flame, taking no for an answer, frank discussion of headwork done, talk about discrimination and oppression, emotional complex response, feeling lost, what women want in men, marking a claim, low self-esteem, age difference, cultural differences, brain weasels, difficulty accepting love, ouchy emotional issues, trust, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
Before You Can Love Me
[Saturday, September 3, 2016]
Warshirt noticed that, over time,
the totem girls spent more and
more time hanging around him.
Or on him, which was the weird part.
It wasn't so odd when Spotted Deer
did it, because she had clung to him
right from the very beginning.
She had gotten less skittish
and more cuddly, and okay,
that was a good thing, he
wanted her to relax some.
Now she'd come up and
drape herself all over him,
which was fine, really,
if that made her happy.
Warshirt just didn't get
why the other girls did it.
They didn't all do it
the same way, but
a lot of them still did
something like it.
Kitty would burrow
right under his arm
when she felt chilled.
Bonnie just sort of
leaned against him,
which was half flattering
from a holy person and
half terrifying because
she could melt the meat
off a man's bones if he
looked at her wrong.
Rebecca would bounce
up to him and give him
a big hug, then bounce
away after something else.
Kitty and Bonnie had been
freed just after Spotted Deer,
so they'd known him the longest,
and then Rebecca had arrived
not much later than that.
Now the new girls were
doing it too, though.
Laana came to him for
comfort and assurance.
Ricki was still twitchy,
but Warshirt figured that
wasn't going away since
she had squirrel gifts.
Like Rebecca, Ricki
was a hit-and-run hugger.
Kayla, who'd been in and out
for a while, and Teya, another
one of the new girls, made
the most sense to Warshirt.
They were both wild young things,
and he was good with those; they
tended to understand each other.
Kayla would walk close to him,
growling a little under her breath,
and let her shoulder bump his.
Teya wasn't even totem gifted,
she was Paiute-Shoshone from
California picked up by traffickers,
but she'd do the same thing, just
brushing against him as they walked.
Once she even touched his hair, when he
got some burrs in it that she helped remove.
Warshirt knew what it was like to want
contact but not feel up to asking for it.
So he just held onto his calm and
let them take what they needed.
Azurine was the one who really
freaked him out, though. She had
wild amounts of power that she
barely had a grip on, so much
that it crawled over his skin like
static electricity before a storm.
Warshirt was thrilled that
she had decided to stay on
the Blackfeet Reservation,
but he was still wary of her.
Despite that -- or maybe
because of it -- Azurine
would shift to stormcat form
and then floomp into his lap,
silently demanding to be petted.
She really was a cat, even
more than Kitty or Laana.
Well, what else could he do?
He petted the damn stormcat
and tried not to touch any metal.
The girls just seemed to like him
and hover around him, when they
didn't do that with other guys.
In fact, Warshirt had seen
Azurine zap one jackass
for trying to touch her.
If something spooked
one of the girls, she might
skitter away, but she always
drifted back to him later.
They didn't act the same
around him as the others.
Warshirt didn't know why,
and that itched at him.
Finally he gave up and
asked Spotted Deer
what that was all about.
She just shrugged. "You're
safe," she said, "so you
make us feel safe too."
Warshirt couldn't argue
with that. He know how
hard it was to feel safe,
and how important it was.
If he could give the girls
even a little respite from
the fears that still stalked
them, then he'd put up with
a lot more than a little hugging.
Spotted Deer was still the most
affectionate of the bunch, though.
She often did things for him,
and he came to appreciate that.
It was nice to have someone around
who was always happy to see him.
So Warshirt returned the favor
and did things that he thought
might make Spotted Deer smile.
It worked more often than not.
One day Warshirt came home
from a trip with a denim wrap dress
in southwest style for her, because
regular clothes did not always fit
the body the spirits had given her.
Spotted Deer twirled happily,
holding it against her front.
Then she hugged him --
and kissed him on the mouth.
"You don't have to do that,"
Warshirt said quickly.
"I know I don't have to,"
Spotted Deer replied.
"That's why I want to."
Warshirt eased away
from her, trying not
to make it look as if
he didn't like her.
"I've been told and
told not to do anything
flirty with you girls, since
your past messes up
your ability to know what
you want," he explained.
Spotted Deer narrowed
her eyes. "That's not fair."
"None of it's fair," he agreed.
"I am just trying to avoid
making it any worse."
Carefully she folded
the dress and put it away.
"I like you," said Spotted Deer.
"I want to talk about that."
Warshirt's stomach dropped.
It was never a good thing when
a woman wanted to "talk" to you.
"Lin says --" he began carefully.
"I'm not Lin!" snapped Spotted Deer.
"We're talking about me, and you."
"Okay." Warshirt spread his hands.
"I'm really just trying not to mess up.
There's a whole list of stuff not to do,
because it makes survivors feel bad."
"Then listen to me," said Spotted Deer.
"That's on a list somewhere, right?"
"Yeah, it's at the top of the 'Do' list,"
Warshirt admitted. "All right, I'll try."
They sat at far ends of the couch.
"I like you," said Spotted Deer. "I
want you to know that, because
I don't want to miss my chance
from you not knowing and then
taking up with someone else."
"Um," said Warshirt. "I'm, uh,
not sure that this is really ..."
"If you don't find me attractive
because I'm white or part deer
or got used as a prostitute, or you
only think of me as a little sister
or a damsel in distress, or there's
someone else you love, then just
tell me that," said Spotted Deer.
"I won't pester you again."
"No!" Warshirt yelped.
"There's nothing wrong
with the way you look, and
anyone who holds your past
against you doesn't deserve you."
"You're sure?" said Spotted Deer.
"Some people make dirty animal jokes
about me, and if we got together, then
they'd probably say that about you too."
Warshirt made a mental note to listen
for that nonsense, in case someone
needed a lesson from the tribal warriors.
"You are spirit-gifted, strong enough
to show on your skin," he said. "If you
find me pleasing, that is an honor."
"What about my past?" she asked.
"Lin says some guys don't want
anyone who used to do sex work."
"Some guys are an embarrassment
to manhood," Warshirt muttered.
"I'm just worried that I might hurt you,
maybe without even realizing that."
"Normal people hurt each other,
too, but they can learn to make up,"
said Spotted Deer. "So could we, if
we try. How do you think of me?"
"Not ... exactly like a little sister?"
said Warshirt. "Your spirit gifts
make you special, so I guess that I
feel protective. You're definitely not
a damsel in distress, though. I mean,
you were at first, but you're better now,
and you've taken care of me plenty."
He'd been the gentleman in distress
more than a few times over the last year,
and she'd been a complete relief every one.
"Is there someone else?" she asked.
Warshirt sighed. "Well, yes and no,"
he confessed. "It's ... complicated.
Her name is She Walks in Mist. I
have loved her for a long time, and
probably always will. She does not
feel the same about me, and she
made that abundantly clear."
"Are you sure about that?"
said Spotted Deer. "I don't
want to get in the way if there's
a chance you might get together."
Warshirt shook his head. "No, I
made a bunch of mistakes. She
knocked me on my ass. It's fine.
She deserves better anyway."
"I'm sorry," said Spotted Deer.
Her fingertips brushed over
the back of Warshirt's hand.
"That sounds very sad."
"Yeah," Warshirt said,
his voice catching. "But
she's happy now, so that's
what matters. She found
a perfect man. I definitely
can't compete with that."
"All right, I understand,"
said Spotted Deer. "Does
that mean I have a chance?
I really do like you, Warshirt."
"I know, but you're still so young,
and your past --" Warshirt said.
"This just doesn't seem right."
"Stop." Spotted Deer held up
a hand. "If you don't want me,
say that. You don't even need
to say why. But don't push me
away because you think that
I don't know my own feelings.
I've done all of the work."
"You've been through a lot,
and that makes me cautious,"
Warshirt tried to explain.
"How do I know that you
do know your own feelings?
For real, not some crap you
picked up at Merry Acres."
Spotted Deer cocked her head.
"If I can tell you what I want,
then will you believe me?"
"If it sounds reasonable,
then yeah," said Warshirt.
"If I'm still not sure, I might
want to talk with someone else,
or maybe have you do that. I
can't afford to be careless here."
"Fair enough," said Spotted Deer.
"Let's start with that work I mentioned.
I have an educational consultant
for catching up on school. I started
with safety planning for survivors,
and then I took the patch test."
"Yeah, I think most folks went
that route, at least the ones in
the recommended program,"
said Warshirt. Of course,
the wild young things were
different, but that was typical.
"The mental stuff began with
skill-building," she said. "So I
took classes on self-compassion,
coping skills, nutrition, and stuff
like that before anything deeper."
"Yeah, they tried that with me,"
said Warshirt. "I suck at it."
"It's not easy," said Spotted Deer.
"But it did make a good foundation
for two rounds of counseling, first
about thoughts and feelings, then
about mental wellness stuff."
"Yeah, I remember those,
both three-month programs,"
said Warshirt. He drummed
his fingers on his thigh. "Most
of what I tried was for drinking.
You did me more good than
any of the official crap, though."
Spotted Deer leaned against him.
"I'm glad I could help with that,"
she said. "But maybe you
were just ready for it then."
"Could be," said Warshirt.
"I sure wasn't ready back
when I first tried that stuff."
He shook his head. "In fact,
most of what it taught me was
that I wasn't ready for it then."
"That's why Lin suggested that I
start with skill-building before digging
any deeper," said Spotted Deer. "So
then I did modules aimed at survivors of
human trafficking and sexual exploitation,
child sexual abuse, rape and sexual trauma."
"Yeah, those were harder ones," he said.
Sometimes she would come home
and just cry on him for hours.
"Useful, though," she said.
"I liked the resilience program
better. I learned a lot from that.
The life skills classes are cool too."
"Everybody loves the life skills classes,"
said Warshirt. "Even I take some of
those. It's better than turning all
of my underwear pink because
I didn't know how to sort laundry."
Spotted Deer giggled. "I can't
really imagine you wearing pink."
"I dyed them black," he admitted.
"Better than buying all new ones."
"Also I'm sorry about your truck,"
she said, not for the first time.
"Don't worry about it." Warshirt
waved a hand. "Everybody makes
mistakes. It's fixed now; it's fine."
He'd made a few awful mistakes
learning home mechanics, too.
"The budgeting class was a chore,
but I got through it, even though I don't
have a job yet," said Spotted Deer.
"At least you were sober for it,"
Warshirt pointed out. "I wasn't."
He wasn't sure how much he
remembered from that effort.
He'd been pretty sloshed for it.
Maybe he should try again, now
that he was more clear-headed
and also had another person
living in his household.
"Good point," she said.
"So then there was the class
about overcoming oppression,
which was also a chore, but
I really needed that one."
"I didn't even make it through
the workshop version of
that," Warshirt confessed.
"So ... what does being
oppressed mean to you?"
"Being oppressed means
the absence of choices,"
said Spotted Deer. "I will not
have my life narrowed down. I
will not bow down to anyone else's
whim or to someone else's ignorance."
Warshirt flinched. "That -- I know
how that feels," he said. "That's
the history of my people, ever
since the Europeans invaded."
"I may be white, but I'm a girl,
and now a primal soup," she said.
"I've had enough experience to see
that oppression is just stupid, no matter
who's doing what to whom. It all is."
"Agreed," said Warshirt. "I wish
that we could get away from it."
"I want there to be a place
in the world where people can
appreciate each other's differences
in a way that is full of hope and possibility,"
said Spotted Deer. "Not this 'In order to love
you, I must make you something else.' That’s
what domination is all about, that in order
to be close to you, I must possess you,
remake and recast you in some way."
"I want that too," Warshirt said,
and wasn't that a surprise,
because he hadn't always.
The totem people had
changed him, quite a lot,
starting with Spotted Deer.
For the better? Warshirt
thought about that part.
He had learned a great deal
about medicine powers and
the people who held them.
He had mostly quit arguing
with the Iron Horses and
other intertribal folks.
He wasn't getting drunk
nearly as often now; he
wasn't getting in fights;
he could generally sleep
through the night without
any screaming nightmares.
Yeah, changed for the better.
Spotted Deer smiled at him,
warm like the sun coming out.
Okay, so he liked that. It
was a useful thing to know.
"I'm glad you want it too,"
said Spotted Deer. "That
ties in with things I learned in
the course on relationship skills
and learning what I want in a man."
Aaannnd they were back on that topic
again. Warshirt tried not to squirm.
"I never got that far," he admitted.
"I couldn't even get myself in
good working order. It didn't
seem fair to drag anyone else
into my hot mess of a life."
That was yet another reason
why he really, really shouldn't
be encouraging this idea of hers.
Well, technically he wasn't
encouraging it, because she
started it, but he should
probably be discouraging
it more than he was.
He just ... wasn't sure
he wanted to do that.
This situation was
getting complicated.
"You didn't drag me,"
said Spotted Deer. "You
invited me. You offered me
a place to stay and I took it.
I could have gone somewhere
else, but I didn't want to. I've
always felt safer with you."
Everyone had tried not
to pressure the rescued girls,
instead letting them decide
what they wanted to do next.
Some of them, like Winnie,
had wanted to find a new family.
Others, like Kayla, were staunchly
independent and had resisted being
pinned down by so much as an address.
"I'm glad you feel safer," said Warshirt.
"Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Pretty sure," said Spotted Deer.
"Living here has given me a chance
to know you, and I like what I see."
Warshirt groaned and put his head
in his hands. "I can't help thinking
you don't have much comparison,"
he said. "At least, not with anyone
who's actually worth your time."
"I've met plenty of other people,"
said Spotted Deer. "I prefer you."
"I'm really struggling to understand
why you do," Warshirt replied.
He couldn't even frame
his own tastes, other than
liking women in general.
The only one he had
felt lasting attraction for
was She Walks in Mist --
and Spotted Deer was
nothing like that at all.
Sex was mystifying.
Romance was worse.
Warshirt felt so lost.
Then Spotted Deer
answered him, and he
fell in way over his head.
"I want a man who will be there
for me when I need him, someone
who will listen to me and offer advice
when I'm struggling, and someone who'll
just be there to share the good times with,"
said Spotted Deer. "I want a partner who
understands me and therefore knows
how to make me feel special."
Warshirt's brain made a noise
like static when the signal
wouldn't come in all the way.
"I want a man who's kind and gentle,"
Spotted Deer went on. "A man who'd
never purposefully hurt me. A man
who is strong, but not overbearing.
A man who is truly interested in
learning about me and how I work."
Warshirt wasn't sure how she got that
after all the dumbass things he'd done.
"Above all, I want someone who loves
and accepts me for who I am, my gifts,
my flaws, and all. I want someone
who sees the beauty in me, even on
my worst days. Someone who will
be there for me through thick and thin,"
Spotted Deer said, looking right at
him. "That's what I want in a man."
Well, okay, that was ... he did that,
or at least, he tried his best to.
Maybe she had a point, but then,
if she was right about this part,
maybe she was right about
the other stuff too, and that
just made his head spin.
Didn't matter, really.
What mattered was
that Spotted Deer had
answered his challenge
and come out way on top.
She knew what she wanted,
even if he couldn't quite
see himself like she did.
Maybe Spotted Deer
made a better mirror
than the one on his wall,
let alone the one in his head.
He was more handsome in
her eyes than anywhere else.
He wasn't sure how he felt
about that either, but he
knew when he was beat.
"I yield," Warshirt said,
spreading his hands. "You
have put way more thought
into this stuff than I have."
"I had to," she said quietly.
"I needed to work through
what happened to me, before
I could decide what I wanted
to make happen next."
And what she wanted
was, somehow, him.
"Okay," said Warshirt.
"So what do you want
to happen next?"
"I don't know yet,"
said Spotted Deer.
He wanted to laugh.
He wanted to cry.
He just about choked
trying to do neither.
"Well, you wanted me
to know how you feel,
so at least we covered
that part," said Warshirt.
"I'm unsure about a lot
of things, but I know I'd
miss you if you were gone,
so that's ... something?"
"It's a good start, at least,"
Spotted Deer said, smiling.
"Have you thought about, uh,
boyfriend-girlfriend things?"
said Warshirt. "What you
might like to try, or not?"
Spotted Deer rolled her eyes
at him. "We went over and over
that stuff in several of my classes."
"Oh good," Warshirt said, relieved.
"Then I don't have to do that part."
He hated doing the talk for
the wild young things, but
sometimes he was the only one
who they might actually listen to.
"I think I'd just like to keep doing
what we've been doing," she said.
"Spending time together, working on
whatever challenges come up, and
getting to know each other better."
"So ... you don't necessarily
want to do anything more
right now, you're just ...
marking a claim?" he said.
"Yes," Spotted Deer said,
looking almost embarrassed.
Suddenly it dawned on him.
"Wait, is that why you
keep hanging all over
me?" Warshirt asked.
"Well ... yes," she said,
ducking her chin. "I do like
hugging you, but I also like it
when you smell like me." She
nudged against him. "And
when I smell like you, too."
That explained why she
kept touching him, and
why she'd ask him for
a hug -- especially after
one or the other of them
had just finished a shower.
It was a deer thing, it had
to be, and he'd better be
able to deal with that if he
was considering this at all.
Was he okay with it? Huh.
It didn't seem to bother him,
wearing a bit of her scent.
He'd always loved the way
Spotted Deer smelled.
He found it soothing in
a way nothing else was.
Other people could just
shove their animal jokes;
she was what the spirits
had made of her, and
that was ... wonderful.
The totem girls should be
free to be themselves, even
if they were a little different
than the all-human ones.
Warshirt promptly went over
his interactions with the others.
Kayla and Teya were no problem;
they treated him pretty much like
all the wild young things did.
Besides, Kayla was showing
more interest in Matthew Black Wolf,
who also had wolf medicine and had
mostly outgrown his youthful wildness.
Rebecca and Ricki were just bouncy;
they made contact but didn't linger.
Bonnie and Laana were slower,
but the effect was much the same.
Kitty? She did tend to burrow
under his arm when she felt cold
or something spooked her, but
she seemed even younger
than Spotted Deer and not
even interested in boys yet.
Azurine was the only one
other than Spotted Deer who
asked for, or rather demanded,
his physical affection in return.
She liked to plop herself on
his lap so he would pet her.
Thinking about it, though,
she didn't do nearly as much
in human form; it seemed
to be more a stormcat thing.
Oh yeah, she was definitely
marking him, but she was
doing it in the same way
as the marmalade alley cat
who sometimes got a taste
of his sandwich scraps and
would headbutt him after.
My human, it meant,
mine mine mine.
It wasn't romantic,
or at least not for
the alley cat -- he'd
have to ask Azurine.
Warshirt thought about
discussing romance with
a spirit power, and winced.
Maybe not. He could just
wait and let her bring it up
if she ever felt like doing so,
or see if she showed signs of
jealousy and possessiveness.
Then he imagined Azurine
tangling with Spotted Deer,
and winced even more.
Nope, not going there,
he definitely needed
to talk with Azurine.
Yikes. Not looking
forward to that at all.
He'd do it, though,
and soon, because
he wanted to keep
both of them safe.
Spotted Deer was
waiting patiently for
him to think it through.
She was good at that;
she never rushed him.
He liked that about her.
"You look thoughtful,"
Spotted Deer observed.
"Yeah," said Warshirt.
"I'm trying things on
in my head, to see
how well they fit."
"That's a good idea,"
Spotted Deer agreed.
It made Warshirt stop
and really think about
whether he might have
feelings for her in return.
He realized that he ...
didn't know, actually.
He cared about her,
quite a lot, even more
than the other totem girls.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its notes appear elsewhere.
[To be continued ...]
This microfunded poem is being posted one verse at a time, as donations come in to cover them. The rate is $0.50/line, so $5 will reveal 10 new lines, and so forth. There is a permanent donation button on my profile page, or you can contact me for other arrangements. You can also ask me about the number of lines per verse, if you want to fund a certain number of verses.
So far sponsors include: ng_moonmoth, DW user Fuzzyred, Anthony Barrette,
947 lines, Buy It Now = $474
Amount donated = $362
Verses posted = 199 of 270
Amount remaining to fund fully = $138
Amount needed to fund next verse = $1
Amount needed to fund the verse after that = $2.50
WARNING: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes past reference to sex trafficking, confusion over sex/gender relations, various kinds of girl-initiated contact between younger girls and an older man, painfully awkward interpersonal conversations, issues about self-determination and body autonomy in sex trafficking survivors, serious expression of interest without pushing to progress a relationship immediately, mutual caregiving in a currently platonic relationship, old flame, taking no for an answer, frank discussion of headwork done, talk about discrimination and oppression, emotional complex response, feeling lost, what women want in men, marking a claim, low self-esteem, age difference, cultural differences, brain weasels, difficulty accepting love, ouchy emotional issues, trust, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
Before You Can Love Me
[Saturday, September 3, 2016]
Warshirt noticed that, over time,
the totem girls spent more and
more time hanging around him.
Or on him, which was the weird part.
It wasn't so odd when Spotted Deer
did it, because she had clung to him
right from the very beginning.
She had gotten less skittish
and more cuddly, and okay,
that was a good thing, he
wanted her to relax some.
Now she'd come up and
drape herself all over him,
which was fine, really,
if that made her happy.
Warshirt just didn't get
why the other girls did it.
They didn't all do it
the same way, but
a lot of them still did
something like it.
Kitty would burrow
right under his arm
when she felt chilled.
Bonnie just sort of
leaned against him,
which was half flattering
from a holy person and
half terrifying because
she could melt the meat
off a man's bones if he
looked at her wrong.
Rebecca would bounce
up to him and give him
a big hug, then bounce
away after something else.
Kitty and Bonnie had been
freed just after Spotted Deer,
so they'd known him the longest,
and then Rebecca had arrived
not much later than that.
Now the new girls were
doing it too, though.
Laana came to him for
comfort and assurance.
Ricki was still twitchy,
but Warshirt figured that
wasn't going away since
she had squirrel gifts.
Like Rebecca, Ricki
was a hit-and-run hugger.
Kayla, who'd been in and out
for a while, and Teya, another
one of the new girls, made
the most sense to Warshirt.
They were both wild young things,
and he was good with those; they
tended to understand each other.
Kayla would walk close to him,
growling a little under her breath,
and let her shoulder bump his.
Teya wasn't even totem gifted,
she was Paiute-Shoshone from
California picked up by traffickers,
but she'd do the same thing, just
brushing against him as they walked.
Once she even touched his hair, when he
got some burrs in it that she helped remove.
Warshirt knew what it was like to want
contact but not feel up to asking for it.
So he just held onto his calm and
let them take what they needed.
Azurine was the one who really
freaked him out, though. She had
wild amounts of power that she
barely had a grip on, so much
that it crawled over his skin like
static electricity before a storm.
Warshirt was thrilled that
she had decided to stay on
the Blackfeet Reservation,
but he was still wary of her.
Despite that -- or maybe
because of it -- Azurine
would shift to stormcat form
and then floomp into his lap,
silently demanding to be petted.
She really was a cat, even
more than Kitty or Laana.
Well, what else could he do?
He petted the damn stormcat
and tried not to touch any metal.
The girls just seemed to like him
and hover around him, when they
didn't do that with other guys.
In fact, Warshirt had seen
Azurine zap one jackass
for trying to touch her.
If something spooked
one of the girls, she might
skitter away, but she always
drifted back to him later.
They didn't act the same
around him as the others.
Warshirt didn't know why,
and that itched at him.
Finally he gave up and
asked Spotted Deer
what that was all about.
She just shrugged. "You're
safe," she said, "so you
make us feel safe too."
Warshirt couldn't argue
with that. He know how
hard it was to feel safe,
and how important it was.
If he could give the girls
even a little respite from
the fears that still stalked
them, then he'd put up with
a lot more than a little hugging.
Spotted Deer was still the most
affectionate of the bunch, though.
She often did things for him,
and he came to appreciate that.
It was nice to have someone around
who was always happy to see him.
So Warshirt returned the favor
and did things that he thought
might make Spotted Deer smile.
It worked more often than not.
One day Warshirt came home
from a trip with a denim wrap dress
in southwest style for her, because
regular clothes did not always fit
the body the spirits had given her.
Spotted Deer twirled happily,
holding it against her front.
Then she hugged him --
and kissed him on the mouth.
"You don't have to do that,"
Warshirt said quickly.
"I know I don't have to,"
Spotted Deer replied.
"That's why I want to."
Warshirt eased away
from her, trying not
to make it look as if
he didn't like her.
"I've been told and
told not to do anything
flirty with you girls, since
your past messes up
your ability to know what
you want," he explained.
Spotted Deer narrowed
her eyes. "That's not fair."
"None of it's fair," he agreed.
"I am just trying to avoid
making it any worse."
Carefully she folded
the dress and put it away.
"I like you," said Spotted Deer.
"I want to talk about that."
Warshirt's stomach dropped.
It was never a good thing when
a woman wanted to "talk" to you.
"Lin says --" he began carefully.
"I'm not Lin!" snapped Spotted Deer.
"We're talking about me, and you."
"Okay." Warshirt spread his hands.
"I'm really just trying not to mess up.
There's a whole list of stuff not to do,
because it makes survivors feel bad."
"Then listen to me," said Spotted Deer.
"That's on a list somewhere, right?"
"Yeah, it's at the top of the 'Do' list,"
Warshirt admitted. "All right, I'll try."
They sat at far ends of the couch.
"I like you," said Spotted Deer. "I
want you to know that, because
I don't want to miss my chance
from you not knowing and then
taking up with someone else."
"Um," said Warshirt. "I'm, uh,
not sure that this is really ..."
"If you don't find me attractive
because I'm white or part deer
or got used as a prostitute, or you
only think of me as a little sister
or a damsel in distress, or there's
someone else you love, then just
tell me that," said Spotted Deer.
"I won't pester you again."
"No!" Warshirt yelped.
"There's nothing wrong
with the way you look, and
anyone who holds your past
against you doesn't deserve you."
"You're sure?" said Spotted Deer.
"Some people make dirty animal jokes
about me, and if we got together, then
they'd probably say that about you too."
Warshirt made a mental note to listen
for that nonsense, in case someone
needed a lesson from the tribal warriors.
"You are spirit-gifted, strong enough
to show on your skin," he said. "If you
find me pleasing, that is an honor."
"What about my past?" she asked.
"Lin says some guys don't want
anyone who used to do sex work."
"Some guys are an embarrassment
to manhood," Warshirt muttered.
"I'm just worried that I might hurt you,
maybe without even realizing that."
"Normal people hurt each other,
too, but they can learn to make up,"
said Spotted Deer. "So could we, if
we try. How do you think of me?"
"Not ... exactly like a little sister?"
said Warshirt. "Your spirit gifts
make you special, so I guess that I
feel protective. You're definitely not
a damsel in distress, though. I mean,
you were at first, but you're better now,
and you've taken care of me plenty."
He'd been the gentleman in distress
more than a few times over the last year,
and she'd been a complete relief every one.
"Is there someone else?" she asked.
Warshirt sighed. "Well, yes and no,"
he confessed. "It's ... complicated.
Her name is She Walks in Mist. I
have loved her for a long time, and
probably always will. She does not
feel the same about me, and she
made that abundantly clear."
"Are you sure about that?"
said Spotted Deer. "I don't
want to get in the way if there's
a chance you might get together."
Warshirt shook his head. "No, I
made a bunch of mistakes. She
knocked me on my ass. It's fine.
She deserves better anyway."
"I'm sorry," said Spotted Deer.
Her fingertips brushed over
the back of Warshirt's hand.
"That sounds very sad."
"Yeah," Warshirt said,
his voice catching. "But
she's happy now, so that's
what matters. She found
a perfect man. I definitely
can't compete with that."
"All right, I understand,"
said Spotted Deer. "Does
that mean I have a chance?
I really do like you, Warshirt."
"I know, but you're still so young,
and your past --" Warshirt said.
"This just doesn't seem right."
"Stop." Spotted Deer held up
a hand. "If you don't want me,
say that. You don't even need
to say why. But don't push me
away because you think that
I don't know my own feelings.
I've done all of the work."
"You've been through a lot,
and that makes me cautious,"
Warshirt tried to explain.
"How do I know that you
do know your own feelings?
For real, not some crap you
picked up at Merry Acres."
Spotted Deer cocked her head.
"If I can tell you what I want,
then will you believe me?"
"If it sounds reasonable,
then yeah," said Warshirt.
"If I'm still not sure, I might
want to talk with someone else,
or maybe have you do that. I
can't afford to be careless here."
"Fair enough," said Spotted Deer.
"Let's start with that work I mentioned.
I have an educational consultant
for catching up on school. I started
with safety planning for survivors,
and then I took the patch test."
"Yeah, I think most folks went
that route, at least the ones in
the recommended program,"
said Warshirt. Of course,
the wild young things were
different, but that was typical.
"The mental stuff began with
skill-building," she said. "So I
took classes on self-compassion,
coping skills, nutrition, and stuff
like that before anything deeper."
"Yeah, they tried that with me,"
said Warshirt. "I suck at it."
"It's not easy," said Spotted Deer.
"But it did make a good foundation
for two rounds of counseling, first
about thoughts and feelings, then
about mental wellness stuff."
"Yeah, I remember those,
both three-month programs,"
said Warshirt. He drummed
his fingers on his thigh. "Most
of what I tried was for drinking.
You did me more good than
any of the official crap, though."
Spotted Deer leaned against him.
"I'm glad I could help with that,"
she said. "But maybe you
were just ready for it then."
"Could be," said Warshirt.
"I sure wasn't ready back
when I first tried that stuff."
He shook his head. "In fact,
most of what it taught me was
that I wasn't ready for it then."
"That's why Lin suggested that I
start with skill-building before digging
any deeper," said Spotted Deer. "So
then I did modules aimed at survivors of
human trafficking and sexual exploitation,
child sexual abuse, rape and sexual trauma."
"Yeah, those were harder ones," he said.
Sometimes she would come home
and just cry on him for hours.
"Useful, though," she said.
"I liked the resilience program
better. I learned a lot from that.
The life skills classes are cool too."
"Everybody loves the life skills classes,"
said Warshirt. "Even I take some of
those. It's better than turning all
of my underwear pink because
I didn't know how to sort laundry."
Spotted Deer giggled. "I can't
really imagine you wearing pink."
"I dyed them black," he admitted.
"Better than buying all new ones."
"Also I'm sorry about your truck,"
she said, not for the first time.
"Don't worry about it." Warshirt
waved a hand. "Everybody makes
mistakes. It's fixed now; it's fine."
He'd made a few awful mistakes
learning home mechanics, too.
"The budgeting class was a chore,
but I got through it, even though I don't
have a job yet," said Spotted Deer.
"At least you were sober for it,"
Warshirt pointed out. "I wasn't."
He wasn't sure how much he
remembered from that effort.
He'd been pretty sloshed for it.
Maybe he should try again, now
that he was more clear-headed
and also had another person
living in his household.
"Good point," she said.
"So then there was the class
about overcoming oppression,
which was also a chore, but
I really needed that one."
"I didn't even make it through
the workshop version of
that," Warshirt confessed.
"So ... what does being
oppressed mean to you?"
"Being oppressed means
the absence of choices,"
said Spotted Deer. "I will not
have my life narrowed down. I
will not bow down to anyone else's
whim or to someone else's ignorance."
Warshirt flinched. "That -- I know
how that feels," he said. "That's
the history of my people, ever
since the Europeans invaded."
"I may be white, but I'm a girl,
and now a primal soup," she said.
"I've had enough experience to see
that oppression is just stupid, no matter
who's doing what to whom. It all is."
"Agreed," said Warshirt. "I wish
that we could get away from it."
"I want there to be a place
in the world where people can
appreciate each other's differences
in a way that is full of hope and possibility,"
said Spotted Deer. "Not this 'In order to love
you, I must make you something else.' That’s
what domination is all about, that in order
to be close to you, I must possess you,
remake and recast you in some way."
"I want that too," Warshirt said,
and wasn't that a surprise,
because he hadn't always.
The totem people had
changed him, quite a lot,
starting with Spotted Deer.
For the better? Warshirt
thought about that part.
He had learned a great deal
about medicine powers and
the people who held them.
He had mostly quit arguing
with the Iron Horses and
other intertribal folks.
He wasn't getting drunk
nearly as often now; he
wasn't getting in fights;
he could generally sleep
through the night without
any screaming nightmares.
Yeah, changed for the better.
Spotted Deer smiled at him,
warm like the sun coming out.
Okay, so he liked that. It
was a useful thing to know.
"I'm glad you want it too,"
said Spotted Deer. "That
ties in with things I learned in
the course on relationship skills
and learning what I want in a man."
Aaannnd they were back on that topic
again. Warshirt tried not to squirm.
"I never got that far," he admitted.
"I couldn't even get myself in
good working order. It didn't
seem fair to drag anyone else
into my hot mess of a life."
That was yet another reason
why he really, really shouldn't
be encouraging this idea of hers.
Well, technically he wasn't
encouraging it, because she
started it, but he should
probably be discouraging
it more than he was.
He just ... wasn't sure
he wanted to do that.
This situation was
getting complicated.
"You didn't drag me,"
said Spotted Deer. "You
invited me. You offered me
a place to stay and I took it.
I could have gone somewhere
else, but I didn't want to. I've
always felt safer with you."
Everyone had tried not
to pressure the rescued girls,
instead letting them decide
what they wanted to do next.
Some of them, like Winnie,
had wanted to find a new family.
Others, like Kayla, were staunchly
independent and had resisted being
pinned down by so much as an address.
"I'm glad you feel safer," said Warshirt.
"Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Pretty sure," said Spotted Deer.
"Living here has given me a chance
to know you, and I like what I see."
Warshirt groaned and put his head
in his hands. "I can't help thinking
you don't have much comparison,"
he said. "At least, not with anyone
who's actually worth your time."
"I've met plenty of other people,"
said Spotted Deer. "I prefer you."
"I'm really struggling to understand
why you do," Warshirt replied.
He couldn't even frame
his own tastes, other than
liking women in general.
The only one he had
felt lasting attraction for
was She Walks in Mist --
and Spotted Deer was
nothing like that at all.
Sex was mystifying.
Romance was worse.
Warshirt felt so lost.
Then Spotted Deer
answered him, and he
fell in way over his head.
"I want a man who will be there
for me when I need him, someone
who will listen to me and offer advice
when I'm struggling, and someone who'll
just be there to share the good times with,"
said Spotted Deer. "I want a partner who
understands me and therefore knows
how to make me feel special."
Warshirt's brain made a noise
like static when the signal
wouldn't come in all the way.
"I want a man who's kind and gentle,"
Spotted Deer went on. "A man who'd
never purposefully hurt me. A man
who is strong, but not overbearing.
A man who is truly interested in
learning about me and how I work."
Warshirt wasn't sure how she got that
after all the dumbass things he'd done.
"Above all, I want someone who loves
and accepts me for who I am, my gifts,
my flaws, and all. I want someone
who sees the beauty in me, even on
my worst days. Someone who will
be there for me through thick and thin,"
Spotted Deer said, looking right at
him. "That's what I want in a man."
Well, okay, that was ... he did that,
or at least, he tried his best to.
Maybe she had a point, but then,
if she was right about this part,
maybe she was right about
the other stuff too, and that
just made his head spin.
Didn't matter, really.
What mattered was
that Spotted Deer had
answered his challenge
and come out way on top.
She knew what she wanted,
even if he couldn't quite
see himself like she did.
Maybe Spotted Deer
made a better mirror
than the one on his wall,
let alone the one in his head.
He was more handsome in
her eyes than anywhere else.
He wasn't sure how he felt
about that either, but he
knew when he was beat.
"I yield," Warshirt said,
spreading his hands. "You
have put way more thought
into this stuff than I have."
"I had to," she said quietly.
"I needed to work through
what happened to me, before
I could decide what I wanted
to make happen next."
And what she wanted
was, somehow, him.
"Okay," said Warshirt.
"So what do you want
to happen next?"
"I don't know yet,"
said Spotted Deer.
He wanted to laugh.
He wanted to cry.
He just about choked
trying to do neither.
"Well, you wanted me
to know how you feel,
so at least we covered
that part," said Warshirt.
"I'm unsure about a lot
of things, but I know I'd
miss you if you were gone,
so that's ... something?"
"It's a good start, at least,"
Spotted Deer said, smiling.
"Have you thought about, uh,
boyfriend-girlfriend things?"
said Warshirt. "What you
might like to try, or not?"
Spotted Deer rolled her eyes
at him. "We went over and over
that stuff in several of my classes."
"Oh good," Warshirt said, relieved.
"Then I don't have to do that part."
He hated doing the talk for
the wild young things, but
sometimes he was the only one
who they might actually listen to.
"I think I'd just like to keep doing
what we've been doing," she said.
"Spending time together, working on
whatever challenges come up, and
getting to know each other better."
"So ... you don't necessarily
want to do anything more
right now, you're just ...
marking a claim?" he said.
"Yes," Spotted Deer said,
looking almost embarrassed.
Suddenly it dawned on him.
"Wait, is that why you
keep hanging all over
me?" Warshirt asked.
"Well ... yes," she said,
ducking her chin. "I do like
hugging you, but I also like it
when you smell like me." She
nudged against him. "And
when I smell like you, too."
That explained why she
kept touching him, and
why she'd ask him for
a hug -- especially after
one or the other of them
had just finished a shower.
It was a deer thing, it had
to be, and he'd better be
able to deal with that if he
was considering this at all.
Was he okay with it? Huh.
It didn't seem to bother him,
wearing a bit of her scent.
He'd always loved the way
Spotted Deer smelled.
He found it soothing in
a way nothing else was.
Other people could just
shove their animal jokes;
she was what the spirits
had made of her, and
that was ... wonderful.
The totem girls should be
free to be themselves, even
if they were a little different
than the all-human ones.
Warshirt promptly went over
his interactions with the others.
Kayla and Teya were no problem;
they treated him pretty much like
all the wild young things did.
Besides, Kayla was showing
more interest in Matthew Black Wolf,
who also had wolf medicine and had
mostly outgrown his youthful wildness.
Rebecca and Ricki were just bouncy;
they made contact but didn't linger.
Bonnie and Laana were slower,
but the effect was much the same.
Kitty? She did tend to burrow
under his arm when she felt cold
or something spooked her, but
she seemed even younger
than Spotted Deer and not
even interested in boys yet.
Azurine was the only one
other than Spotted Deer who
asked for, or rather demanded,
his physical affection in return.
She liked to plop herself on
his lap so he would pet her.
Thinking about it, though,
she didn't do nearly as much
in human form; it seemed
to be more a stormcat thing.
Oh yeah, she was definitely
marking him, but she was
doing it in the same way
as the marmalade alley cat
who sometimes got a taste
of his sandwich scraps and
would headbutt him after.
My human, it meant,
mine mine mine.
It wasn't romantic,
or at least not for
the alley cat -- he'd
have to ask Azurine.
Warshirt thought about
discussing romance with
a spirit power, and winced.
Maybe not. He could just
wait and let her bring it up
if she ever felt like doing so,
or see if she showed signs of
jealousy and possessiveness.
Then he imagined Azurine
tangling with Spotted Deer,
and winced even more.
Nope, not going there,
he definitely needed
to talk with Azurine.
Yikes. Not looking
forward to that at all.
He'd do it, though,
and soon, because
he wanted to keep
both of them safe.
Spotted Deer was
waiting patiently for
him to think it through.
She was good at that;
she never rushed him.
He liked that about her.
"You look thoughtful,"
Spotted Deer observed.
"Yeah," said Warshirt.
"I'm trying things on
in my head, to see
how well they fit."
"That's a good idea,"
Spotted Deer agreed.
It made Warshirt stop
and really think about
whether he might have
feelings for her in return.
He realized that he ...
didn't know, actually.
He cared about her,
quite a lot, even more
than the other totem girls.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its notes appear elsewhere.
[To be continued ...]