Fanfiction: Johnny's Entertainment: Standing On The Edge Of The Sea And The Shore
Title: Standing On The Edge Of The Sea And The Shore
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment
Pairings: Masuda Takahisa/Yamashita Tomohisa
Warnings: Slash. Sadness.
Status: One-shot. Complete.
Notes: Author's notes are at the end.
The day Massu fell in love with Pi was the day he first saw him by the sea.
The sea held a great attraction to Pi; he could tell from the way Pi would gaze into the horizon like he was telling it his secrets, the way he closed his eyes against the way and filled his lungs with the chilly, salty air. Then Pi opened his eyes and it seemed like he was back to normal; but when he turned to look at Massu, Massu's breath caught in his throat when he saw that the depth in Pi's eyes reflected the sea.
And in that moment, Massu fell in love with Pi.
*
When their worlds collided it was like the gentle, inevitable folding of the waves upon sand.
Pi didn’t remember the details of how Massu became more than just a band mate and instead began to be a warm body to fill his arms with. He suspected it had something to do with loneliness, and Ryo being away all the time, and the strange craving and desire that demanded to be filled, which didn’t go away when he wrapped himself up in his blankets even though it was summer and curled up alone in his bed. He couldn’t remember the context that had led to him stumbling carelessly into Massu’s arms, the situation which had turned into the first hug, the first kiss, the first time fingers threaded through his hair, the second kiss, the third, the fourth.
It was just one of those things which made the earth seem like it was made of puzzle pieces. Most of the time the pieces connected in their right puzzle pieces, but they also tended normal and unspectacular and nothing worth mention at all. But sometimes the right pieces connected in a way which inspired awe, which whispered hints of the perfection that waited at the end. It was like the puzzle piece which, when laid down, finally revealed the general shape of the puzzle, and you felt that the completion of the puzzle was going to be a wonderful journey.
But then when you finally complete it you realise the picture at the end had already been waiting from the very start, even before the first piece had been laid down, and you realise that the lines between the pieces marred the beauty of the picture, and suddenly the journey suddenly becomes empty, and worthless.
And so it had seemed a good idea at the time.
*
But this is what Pi came to like about Massu:
It wasn’t just that Massu worked hard. Everybody could see that. He was also unfailingly nice, and friendly, and polite in ways that made Pi feel rude, uncouth, and vulgar. He was, really, the sort of boy you wouldn’t mind bringing home to meet your mother.
It was thus fairly ironic that those very qualities which Pi saw and loved in Massu were the selfsame ones which Massu saw and respected in Pi. If Massu ever told Pi that, he suspected that Pi wouldn’t believe it, would deny them and say that Massu was just being nice.
And so the two of them mutually thought the other too good for himself.
*
Sometimes Pi drives them to the sea. They go in the early morning when the skyline is still grey, and the feeling Massu gets when he stands on the rocks and looks into the washed-out expanse of sky in front of him is the feeling of standing at the edge of primordial creation. There is power in the skyline which is reflected in how the sea churns under that smooth surface, and the only sign of it is the small surges of waves breaking against the shore.
They don’t talk much, those times, only walk along the edge where sea, air and sand all meet and mingle. Sometimes Pi leads and Massu follows, watching as the waves wash away his footprints, delighting in the way his feet sink into the soft, wet sand. He likes to think of this as a promise of their anonymity, of the sea keeping their secret of being there at all, and it’s a secrecy which enhances the enchantment of being alone by the sea. But sometimes he wonders if this is a portent of a time where Yamapi will go to a place where he cannot follow.
Sometimes Pi stops, and stands very still, and stares at something in the distance. Those times, Massu stands next to him. Sometimes he wonders what he sees, because there’s absolutely nothing, nothing but the spiralling flight of gulls, or the languid wisps of smoke from a ship in the distance. Other times, though, he lets his breath get taken away by the colours and textures in the clouds, lets himself be moved by how the sky looks like a canvas painted upon by some divine, ineffable hand.
And always, when they are back in the car, Pi kisses him. Sometimes they are sweet, chaste kisses which make Massu smile tenderly and somewhat amusedly at him, but sometimes they grow into something deeper, something more, kisses which have their hands groping blindly and meeting somewhere in the air above the gearshift, kisses that have them panting slightly when they finally break apart.
When he looks into Pi’s eyes, then, he senses something lurking deep inside, causing turbulences which he can tell are there only because of the murky, clouded surface of Pi’s eyes, the downward creases in the skin at the corners, the slight trembling of his lips as he pulls away. And Massu yearns to be able to take them away for good, one day, but knows, from the way Pi tells him so little, that maybe he is not the one meant to save Pi from his own agony.
*
What they have isn’t much, but it is something to share in rehearsal room corridors and stairwells; stolen comfort in the extended finity of white walls, steeped forever in darkness. Ryo is Pi’s best friend but Massu is always there to fill the gaps in between, ready with warm, lithe arms, and his beautiful, beautiful smile.
If Massu in photos and the stage could break hearts with his smile, Pi thought, then his heart must pretty much be shattered beyond repair. There was sweetness in Massu’s real smile, a tenderness that seemed reserved only for him. It reminded Pi of promises made on warm summer nights, the heartbreaking kind of never-ending promises made with the person pressed skin to skin to you, hot breath whispering right next to your ear, and your fingers intertwined between your hearts.
He saw the way Koyama worried over them, saw the way Shige worried about the end that was to come. The intensity of emotion coupled with the shallowness of how little it meant, really, made it seem as if either one of them (or both) would break when it finally ended.
Pi himself wanted to be able to hold Massu for as long as possible. Massu had somehow turned into something he wanted to cherish selfishly before he had to let go of it. But he knew that one day he would have to let him go. It was the kindest thing he could think of doing.
*
They are standing together at the edge of uncertainty, and it is a murky grey area across which the distant shore can just barely be made out.
Uncertainty isn’t not knowing what is going to happen, or not knowing what they have. Instead, uncertainty is about knowing precisely what they have and knowing the inevitable bittersweet end; the only thing that remains unsure of how they would ride it out through to the end, and how changed the experience would leave them.
But for now, what they have is enough. Enough for them not to question it, enough for them not to try to push it further. Enough for them to be content with what little they have.
Enough for neither of them to want it to end.
---
Author's Notes:
This is a story about how some things are not meant to last. The question, of course, is whether either of them realise that maybe if they just tried, they could make it work.
But inertia is too powerful, I guess.
There are a few songs which contributed to this piece. One is “The Sun and the Moon”, by Mae, which I hadn’t even realised I was subconsciously drawing from until I felt compelled to describe Pi as having ‘ocean eyes’. Another is “I Want To Save You”, by Something Corporate. The songs don't necessarily add anything to the story, but if you want the music, please PM me and I'll link you.
And, lastly, this wasn't meant to be so sad. But there's hope in it, too, if you choose to find it in there.
[edit 2 May 09]: moon979child wrote a remix of this fic for The Great JE Fanfiction Remix. It is called Standing On The Edge (Where The Moon And The Sea Collide Remix. Please go read it, it is quite brilliant.
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment
Pairings: Masuda Takahisa/Yamashita Tomohisa
Warnings: Slash. Sadness.
Status: One-shot. Complete.
Notes: Author's notes are at the end.
The day Massu fell in love with Pi was the day he first saw him by the sea.
The sea held a great attraction to Pi; he could tell from the way Pi would gaze into the horizon like he was telling it his secrets, the way he closed his eyes against the way and filled his lungs with the chilly, salty air. Then Pi opened his eyes and it seemed like he was back to normal; but when he turned to look at Massu, Massu's breath caught in his throat when he saw that the depth in Pi's eyes reflected the sea.
And in that moment, Massu fell in love with Pi.
*
When their worlds collided it was like the gentle, inevitable folding of the waves upon sand.
Pi didn’t remember the details of how Massu became more than just a band mate and instead began to be a warm body to fill his arms with. He suspected it had something to do with loneliness, and Ryo being away all the time, and the strange craving and desire that demanded to be filled, which didn’t go away when he wrapped himself up in his blankets even though it was summer and curled up alone in his bed. He couldn’t remember the context that had led to him stumbling carelessly into Massu’s arms, the situation which had turned into the first hug, the first kiss, the first time fingers threaded through his hair, the second kiss, the third, the fourth.
It was just one of those things which made the earth seem like it was made of puzzle pieces. Most of the time the pieces connected in their right puzzle pieces, but they also tended normal and unspectacular and nothing worth mention at all. But sometimes the right pieces connected in a way which inspired awe, which whispered hints of the perfection that waited at the end. It was like the puzzle piece which, when laid down, finally revealed the general shape of the puzzle, and you felt that the completion of the puzzle was going to be a wonderful journey.
But then when you finally complete it you realise the picture at the end had already been waiting from the very start, even before the first piece had been laid down, and you realise that the lines between the pieces marred the beauty of the picture, and suddenly the journey suddenly becomes empty, and worthless.
And so it had seemed a good idea at the time.
*
But this is what Pi came to like about Massu:
It wasn’t just that Massu worked hard. Everybody could see that. He was also unfailingly nice, and friendly, and polite in ways that made Pi feel rude, uncouth, and vulgar. He was, really, the sort of boy you wouldn’t mind bringing home to meet your mother.
It was thus fairly ironic that those very qualities which Pi saw and loved in Massu were the selfsame ones which Massu saw and respected in Pi. If Massu ever told Pi that, he suspected that Pi wouldn’t believe it, would deny them and say that Massu was just being nice.
And so the two of them mutually thought the other too good for himself.
*
Sometimes Pi drives them to the sea. They go in the early morning when the skyline is still grey, and the feeling Massu gets when he stands on the rocks and looks into the washed-out expanse of sky in front of him is the feeling of standing at the edge of primordial creation. There is power in the skyline which is reflected in how the sea churns under that smooth surface, and the only sign of it is the small surges of waves breaking against the shore.
They don’t talk much, those times, only walk along the edge where sea, air and sand all meet and mingle. Sometimes Pi leads and Massu follows, watching as the waves wash away his footprints, delighting in the way his feet sink into the soft, wet sand. He likes to think of this as a promise of their anonymity, of the sea keeping their secret of being there at all, and it’s a secrecy which enhances the enchantment of being alone by the sea. But sometimes he wonders if this is a portent of a time where Yamapi will go to a place where he cannot follow.
Sometimes Pi stops, and stands very still, and stares at something in the distance. Those times, Massu stands next to him. Sometimes he wonders what he sees, because there’s absolutely nothing, nothing but the spiralling flight of gulls, or the languid wisps of smoke from a ship in the distance. Other times, though, he lets his breath get taken away by the colours and textures in the clouds, lets himself be moved by how the sky looks like a canvas painted upon by some divine, ineffable hand.
And always, when they are back in the car, Pi kisses him. Sometimes they are sweet, chaste kisses which make Massu smile tenderly and somewhat amusedly at him, but sometimes they grow into something deeper, something more, kisses which have their hands groping blindly and meeting somewhere in the air above the gearshift, kisses that have them panting slightly when they finally break apart.
When he looks into Pi’s eyes, then, he senses something lurking deep inside, causing turbulences which he can tell are there only because of the murky, clouded surface of Pi’s eyes, the downward creases in the skin at the corners, the slight trembling of his lips as he pulls away. And Massu yearns to be able to take them away for good, one day, but knows, from the way Pi tells him so little, that maybe he is not the one meant to save Pi from his own agony.
*
What they have isn’t much, but it is something to share in rehearsal room corridors and stairwells; stolen comfort in the extended finity of white walls, steeped forever in darkness. Ryo is Pi’s best friend but Massu is always there to fill the gaps in between, ready with warm, lithe arms, and his beautiful, beautiful smile.
If Massu in photos and the stage could break hearts with his smile, Pi thought, then his heart must pretty much be shattered beyond repair. There was sweetness in Massu’s real smile, a tenderness that seemed reserved only for him. It reminded Pi of promises made on warm summer nights, the heartbreaking kind of never-ending promises made with the person pressed skin to skin to you, hot breath whispering right next to your ear, and your fingers intertwined between your hearts.
He saw the way Koyama worried over them, saw the way Shige worried about the end that was to come. The intensity of emotion coupled with the shallowness of how little it meant, really, made it seem as if either one of them (or both) would break when it finally ended.
Pi himself wanted to be able to hold Massu for as long as possible. Massu had somehow turned into something he wanted to cherish selfishly before he had to let go of it. But he knew that one day he would have to let him go. It was the kindest thing he could think of doing.
*
They are standing together at the edge of uncertainty, and it is a murky grey area across which the distant shore can just barely be made out.
Uncertainty isn’t not knowing what is going to happen, or not knowing what they have. Instead, uncertainty is about knowing precisely what they have and knowing the inevitable bittersweet end; the only thing that remains unsure of how they would ride it out through to the end, and how changed the experience would leave them.
But for now, what they have is enough. Enough for them not to question it, enough for them not to try to push it further. Enough for them to be content with what little they have.
Enough for neither of them to want it to end.
---
Author's Notes:
This is a story about how some things are not meant to last. The question, of course, is whether either of them realise that maybe if they just tried, they could make it work.
But inertia is too powerful, I guess.
There are a few songs which contributed to this piece. One is “The Sun and the Moon”, by Mae, which I hadn’t even realised I was subconsciously drawing from until I felt compelled to describe Pi as having ‘ocean eyes’. Another is “I Want To Save You”, by Something Corporate. The songs don't necessarily add anything to the story, but if you want the music, please PM me and I'll link you.
And, lastly, this wasn't meant to be so sad. But there's hope in it, too, if you choose to find it in there.
[edit 2 May 09]: moon979child wrote a remix of this fic for The Great JE Fanfiction Remix. It is called Standing On The Edge (Where The Moon And The Sea Collide Remix. Please go read it, it is quite brilliant.