The Problem with Mortality [AFF Secret Santa MyungYeol]
Part I
Myungyeol; PG; Drama (Angst?)
Originally posted on AFF's Secret Santa exchange for the prompt: "The pains of unrequited love."
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"So, how long have you been here, Sungyeol?"
The college student they sent him this time is persistent, and it's annoying.
Sungyeol doesn't remember the last time someone insisted on visiting him for a third time. Usually they leave after the first two unpleasant sessions. Some don't even last a whole hour.
"How long do you think?" He asks distractingly, crushing a line of candies on his tablet. His mom bought it for him because she thought he could use it against boredom. Or maybe she just tried to get him off her back, since he kept calling her every hour to inform her he peed.
"Pretty long, probably. You seem fairly experienced in Candy Crush."
Sungyeol glances at him.
He's a handsome guy. Probably around his age, living the life like every college student should. He probably has a car and a lot of friends and does this volunteering program for extra credit.
As if he actually wants to sit around and chat with a guy who most likely won't survive the night.
He hates people like that the most.
Hypocrites. He would rather be alone.
He should be finishing college about now, but instead, he's here, in a room that smells like sickness and medical alcohol. It makes him nauseous.
Well, everything makes him nauseous.
He goes back to his game.
"Look, man." He says calmly, while swiping his finger on the screen; "Just give me the paper where the nurse is supposed to sign the hours for you. I know a lot of nurses. I can get one of them to write a wonderful review about the beautiful work you did in the ward with the patients. Then both you and me can get on with our lives."
"And what would that accomplish?"
Sungyeol looks up from his tablet. "It will get you off my back, that's for sure."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"How can you be so sure?"
Sungyeol squints his eyes at him. "Are you defected in the brain or something?"
"Not really." He sighs and leans back; "How about you? What do you have? Cancer?"
"If I had cancer, I would be bald. And that's really insensitive of you."
"I heard there's many types of cancer, and not all therapies require you to go bald. You do know you go bald from the actual therapy and not the cancer, right?"
Sungyeol purses his lips to a thin line, and keeps on playing Candy Crush.
Maybe if he'll give him the silent treatment, he'll leave.
"So what is it that you have? Did you get your legs amputated or something? Why are always in bed?"
He carries off the conversation as if they're not talking about anything too important, but manages not to look too bored. Sungyeol wants to shove his still-very-intact legs down the guy's throat. How rude can he possibly get?
When he actually probes the blanket with his finger, to check for Sungyeol's legs, Sungyeol jerks his leg away so quickly, he hits him on the face with his knee.
His nose gets terribly red after a few seconds, then blood trickles out.
Sungyeol's eyes widen and he is baffled about the course of action you do in situation like this.
He presses the buzzer that calls the nurse until somebody finally rushes in.
.
Kim Myungsoo is there, head in his hands prepped on his elbows on the hospital bed, staring at him on five o'clock sharp next week.
And his nose looks fine. Not even purple.
"Do you want me to read 'Twilight: New Moon' for you? The girls in the children ward loved that."
Sungyeol wishes he would go to back to the children's ward and leave him alone to his agony.
"Their doctors told me I'm getting them overexcited so I came here."
Great.
"I'm not really talkative, so at least insert a word or so into the conversation. Occasionally."
Sungyeol turns to the window.
"Are you going to at least apologize for what you did to me?"
"I'm not going to apologize for your complete and utter asshole behavior and feeling up my legs." He blurts out before he can stop himself.
"And you're insulting me. I could sue you, you know. Even though you're handicapped."
Sungyeol turns his body to the window and covers himself with the blanket.
He's not handicapped.
He has a lung disease.
It funny, because he lived his entire life thinking he was a regular asthma case - and he thought having asthma was bad.
His body failed him back when Sungyeol was a perfectly young, healthy high-school student.
One day he was running late for class after recess and it started to get really hard to breathe. Then he tumbled down, clutching onto his chest.
After that, his life became a blur of doctors and emergency rooms - and from there treatments over treatments over more treatments; most of them made his body even more sick than it already was.
Sungyeol thinks if they haven't found out about it, and they would've marked it off as a regular asthma attack. He would've continued to live his life a completely normal teenager. But no, they had to do extra tests, just to be sure.
The first prognosis was one year tops - but he survived way longer than that, although you can hardly call those agonizingly long, painful 4 years living.
The hospital became his prison, and eventually, his home.
"Suit yourself." Myungsoo says. There's a few rustles and; "Even though I was thrilled to see him - conscious or otherwise - and even though I was almost positive that I was dreaming, I panicked as Edward walked toward us through the glaring sunlight. I panicked because-"
"For the love of god, just leave!"
"I didn't get to the best part yet. He's shinning in the sunlight. It's horrible."
"Yes, I know! I'm not stupid! That thing is all over the internet!"
"You know what internet is?"
Sungyeol jerks into sitting and points to the door; "Get out!"
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Myungsoo brings a bottle of bubbles next time he comes and blows into the wand, making many tiny, floating soap orbs above Sungyeol's bed.
"I'm starting to think you escaped from the mental ward. And not actually a volunteer."
"Don't you like them? I think it looks romantic. Goes really well with the theme you got here."
"What theme do I got here?" He snaps back.
"That morbid leave-me-alone-to-die theme...?" Myungsoo says it like it's obvious, then blows bubbles into his face. Sungyeol waves them off aggressively.
"If you see this theme, why don't you leave?"
"Because I'm on probation, and you're the only one here who doesn't want me to play with Barbies or tell me war stories. Or the shape your poop came out in the morning. The old guy down the hall really likes that stuff. I mean, he documents his crap. How sick is that? Besides, the nurses really approve that I spend time with you."
Sungyeol shifts on his bed. "Probation? So you're here for community service and not voluntarily? Wait, Are you talking about Mr. Jang? If he only showed you pictures of his poop, he was at his best behavior - sometime he makes videos of himself peeing and shows them to people."
Myungsoo stops blowing bubbles, and laughs.
"So, what did you do?" Sungyeol probes.
"I killed twelve people with my bow and arrows."
Myungsoo snorts when he sees the expression on his face. "My roommate framed me for drugs possession. I got suspended from school, but there wasn't enough evidence, so all I have to do is community service."
"What? Seriously? Can't you just say they were his?"
"I did, but nobody believed me because he's an honor student and his daddy is an important face in the industry, and I'm on scholarship."
"That sucks."
"Yeah." Myungsoo catches a bubble before it lands on the bed. "But it doesn't suck as bad as being in bed all day long and pretending I'm a stubborn jerk-off. What do you even do here for fun?"
"For starters I don't blow bubbles like a retard."
"I saw some retards down the hall, and believe me, even they got it better than you."
Sungyeol frowns.
Myungsoo smirks, because he thinks he's hilarious.
"Why do you have to be so insensitive and inappropriate all the time?"
He shrugs, then screws off the cap from his bubble bottle and continues to do his bubbles.
.
Weirdly enough, Sungyeol gets used to his company pretty fast when he realizes he's not going away.
It's probably because Myungsoo is the only company he gets during week days.
Daeyeol, Sungyeol's little brother is busy with his last year in college. He also has a girlfriend, so he barely comes. His mom and dad are working around the clock to pay for his hospital bills. His mom tries to come every other day, but usually she ends up coming on weekends.
His friends pretty much lasted for a year.
He usually indulges in long conversation in chat-rooms or forums. He never tells anybody he's sick. Nobody's interested in that on the internet, anyhow.
Myungsoo doesn't seem to care he's sick, so it's a little relieving.
People usually treat him like he's the most fragile thing in the world, like butterfly wings. They even try not to talk too loudly next to him as if his hearing is defected along with his lungs.
Myungsoo allows himself to cackle like an idiot more often thn not.
One time he showed him his collection of funny YouTube videos he found, and the nurse had to come in to tell them to be a little quieter.
Sungyeol isn't used to it.
It's almost like having a friend.
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"That was the lamest movie ever." Sungyeol comments the second it ends.
Myungsoo brought his own laptop so they could watch some movie he downloaded in order to fill in their time.
"I know. It was horrible. I thought to stop it in the middle, but you looked immersed."
"What? I thought you're immersed, because you kept making these noises."
"Those were 'I-want-to-slap-the-main-actor' noises!"
"Kind of sounded like 'cheering-for-the-main-actor-to-survive' noises."
Myungsoo shrugs and pulls the laptop off the bed.
"I feel like I wasted two hours of precious time I got left on earth." Sungyeol continues.
"Oh please, saint martyr Lee Sungyeol. The nurse told me your condition isn't even that gravid."
"Did she tell you I also have a prognosis of half a year to live?"
"No, you don't." There's disbelief written all over his face, then, he also rolls his eyes when he meets his angry gaze.
"Yes, I do. I have a rare lung condition; I had seven surgeries over the past four years and none of them worked."
"Well, obviously none of them would work - the more you lay here in this dark room, with these gray walls closing in on you and this horrible smell all around you, you're psychologically bound to be sick forever. I come here, what? every other day? And I feel sick just from being here."
"You don't get it, do you? I'm in this room because breathing outside of it will risk my death. There's special stuff on the walls and salt in the machine that makes it less likely for me to get an attack. Besides, after treatments, it's hard to walk for me."
"But it's not like this room is preventing you from dying. You said it yourself, you have only half a year to go." It sounds like mockery and Sungyeol furrows his eyebrows at him. "Either way, at some point you die. We all die, eventually."
Sungyeol sighs. "Well, that's another way to look at it."
"Are you after treatment, right now?"
"No. My treatment is on Mondays and-"
"Let me take you outside."
His eyes widen at the suggestion. "What?"
"For a walk. You can walk, right? Or did they already amputated your legs?"
"I can't leave without supervision."
Myungsoo makes a face, stands up abruptly and leaves the room. He comes back a minute later with a wheelchair, grinning; "Nurse said it's fine as long as you sit in the wheelchair. Come on, let's show the world how handicapped you are."
"Asshole. I can walk just fine. I just... need to take breaks." Sungyeol sits up. His bare feet touch the tiles of the floor.
When he stands up and wears his sweater, he understands Myungsoo is still watching his feet.
Sungyeol flicks his forehead, though it doesn't come out very strong; "Did you actually thought they're amputated?"
Myungsoo looks up to him. There's an unreadable expression on his face, something akin to awe; "No. You just have pretty feet."
Sungyeol looks back on his feet then frowns; "Are you one of these people who get off on that shit?"
"I'm just-"
"Let's just go before I change my mind. I should probably write a note for my mom so she'd know who to blame if I die."
Sungyeol opens the door and looks around the hallway.
"Nurse said you're going on a wheelchair or not going at all, so you're going on a wheelchair."
"I'm not going on a wheelchair!"
"Sit."
"No."
"Sit."
"I'll even get you an old-people blanket on your legs." Myungsoo waggles his eyebrows. "Sounds fun, right?"
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Sungyeol doesn't enjoy the ride outside because he feels like everybody have their eyes on him and look at him like he's defected in some way.
They are right, but it still makes Sungyeol feel inferior and he hates it.
He keeps on complaining as he sits with his hands crossed over his chest while Myungsoo drives him around making 'vroom-vroom' noises.
Myungsoo finds a small spot somewhere in the garden of the hospital where it's mostly empty and lands on the bench; "Are you done grumbling?"
"Can I stand up now?" Myungsoo looks back from where they came from, then nods. "But just for a bit. And don't go closer to the flowers. That's probably not good for you."
"You sound like my mom." Sungyeol throws the blanket at Myungsoo's face.
It's been awhile since he's been outside.
He walks up to the grass, then takes off one of his hospital flip-flops.
"Hey!" Myungsoo warns. "If you're going to do something stupid, go back to the wheelchair."
Sungyeol doesn't listen and takes off his other flip flop and lets his legs sink into the grass.
He smiles and looks up. It's a bit cloudy, but it's not that cold.
It feels refreshing.
He can feel his lungs - his weak, frail, treacherous lungs - get filled with fresh air.
He walks around the bench excitedly, while Myungsoo looks like he's about to jump on him any second and wrestle him back to the wheelchair and tie him to it.
It's weird, walking around on grass outside.
You think you can do everything until you can't. Then you get too comfortable in the boundaries everybody else set for you, and you forget all about what you can and can't do. The ground is warm beneath his toes, and the grass feels damp.
Before he can take another step, Myungsoo wraps a hand around him and pulls him back. He points a finger at him; "No."
He means it as a joke probably, so Sungyeol doesn't understand why he's so surprised. He's not used to being so touchy with someone - hell, he's not even touchy with his baby brother.
It's probably because he was walking close to the roses.
"Now that you got some authority, you feel the need to use it? Please." Sungyeol sits down on his wheelchair. "Take me back to my room, peasant. I wish to rest."
Myungsoo snorts.
.
After that he starts waiting for Myungsoo's visits.
They won't always go down to the gardens. But when they do, Sungyeol swears the nurse not to tell his mom because she'll flip.
At some point he feels stronger, healthier.
He feels normal, lying on the grass looking onto clouds with Myungsoo. It's been awhile since he had a friend that isn't a nurse or a doctor who tries to investigate him so they could name his illness in their name.
Myungsoo is really polite to everybody else. The nurses are fond of him and the girls and boys from the children ward come running when they stroll by with the wheelchair. Even some of the old people know him by name and wave at him.
Sungyeol feels he's special because Myungsoo isn't polite to him.
It's a bit weird, but he understands that Myungsoo allows himself to release his inner bastard when he's with him.
He's really subtle actually, and clumsy, and weird and funny and he laughs at just about every joke Sungyeol has to offer.
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His head falls with a plop onto Sungyeol's thigh.
Sungyeol feels a little uncomfortable at the proximity, but doesn't deny it.
He's just unsure what to do.
Where should he put his hands? How should he react to it?
How he should return the favor so he won't seem like a cold arrogant idiot?
He just sits there on his bed, with his legs outstretched, dumbfounded.
"I'm so tired." Myungsoo yawns and closes his eyes. "I shouldn't have taken a double-shift at work."
"Work? You never said anything about work." Either Myungsoo didn't actually notice his discomfort, or he doesn't really mind.
He's like that. He needs to touch everything and feel it even if it doesn't require making contact.
"What's there to say, I'm waiting tables in order to pay for a tiny crap hole of an apartment."
"Don't you live with your parents?"
"My mom decided to give up on me after the drugs incident. She told me I'm on my own. Don't blame her. She has also my little brother to raise. Better if she invested in his future than in mine, anyway. He's a straight As student."
"I also have a little brother." Sungyeol perks up, and opens his drawer to retrieve his picture with Daeyeol. "He's 18. Looks just like me, right? He's not really good at school, but he's really good with his hands. He can do just about anything. He's graduating this year."
Myungsoo looks from the picture to him, then back to the picture, a few times.
"Good genes run in the family?" He comments finally.
Sungyeol likes getting complimented, because it reminds him of the days he was popular at school.
Myungsoo gives him the photo back, then blinks his eyes tiredly. "Urgh, my eyes are slipping closed. Do you mind if I go early today?"
"Why are you asking me if it's okay? I'm not forcing you to be here."
"Yeah, it's just a freaking court order that I have to follow."
"If you're so anxious to get rid of me, there's this lady at room 102, she can't talk without gurgling her spit. I bet you'd love that."
Myungsoo has this thing where he looks into his eyes and it feels as if he's not staring at his eyes, but into the back of his skull. From the inside.
It's like he explores Sungyeol's mind with his dark eyes, which is a little creepy. And uncomfortable.
"Alright," He sighs eventually and gets up. "I'm going. I feel like if I'll stay another minute, you might need to share your bed."
"Wouldn't want your stinky legs anyway."
Once he leaves the room becomes unbearably silent, and Sungyeol feels the lack of him. The lack of Myungsoo latching himself to him. It might be a strong pat on the back or a tug of a wrist, but sometimes he'd even hug him when he'll leave.
It just comes off a bit awkward. Sungyeol doesn't really know what to do when it happens.
He hasn't been in the company of people who are not his family and not his doctors for so long, that he must have forgotten what are the proper etiquette of behaving next to them.
Or maybe Myungsoo is the strange one.
.
"If you had only one thing you could wish for, what will you wish for?"
Myungsoo looks up from the chocolate box he brought. He shrugs, then looks like he thinks about it, then says; "Get really rich, buy this hospital and then torment you until forever...?" It's more like a question; he sounds unsure.
"That's three wishes. I said one."
"I'll get all that if only I'll get rich, so get rich. But... I don't know. I always wanted to travel around the world and photograph things."
"Like your poop?"
Myungsoo laughs; "Among others."
"You're sick in the head."
"You're sick in the chest."
"You know, the only good thing about you is that you bring sweets with you when you come."
"I might stop bringing them, and then you'll like me for all my other qualities."
"I don't think there's any other qualities in you that I like besides the chocolate thing. Well, maybe when you fall asleep with your mouth opened after a shift, and then I stuff things inside." He takes another chocolate for himself. He's probably not allowed to eat it, but nobody's going to know.
"Aha! I knew it! I knew you weren't asleep when I woke up with tissues in my mouth!"
Sungyeol laughs.
Myungsoo picks a chocolate out of the last three in the box.
"So? What about you? What would you wish for?"
Sungyeol doesn't need to think too long; "I want to die as quickly and as painlessly as possible. I think I deserve as much after what I've been though."
"You're kidding, right? That's your wish? Instead of getting better?"
"Getting better? Even if I do get better, I'll have to eat gazillion pills a day in order to even get a semi-normal life. I'll have to go back to school, although I should be finishing my degree about now, I'll be friendless, and there's not many places who will want a guy who has a rare lung disease working in their company."
"Well, yes, all that may be true, but you could live. Outside of here. Don't you want to go to the beach, or to work or to graduate from school?"
Sungyeol sighs really deeply; "I think I'm done for. I just want it to be sooner so my mom won't have to pay for the bills any longer."
"And I thought I'm a negative person." Myungsoo crunches on another chocolate.
Sungyeol doesn't like that.
He wants Myungsoo to have a positive opinion of him, but he can't really correct the way he's thinking.
He wonders when was the last time he worried about what somebody else thinks of him.
-
One day, outside, right after the rain the garden is crisp and cold and wet.
Sungyeol's chest hurts, but he ignores it up until the moment he can't breathe.
It comes out like an asthma attack, and it feels like the air he inhales just won't go through to his lungs. When he tries to cough out whatever blocking his throat, blood comes out.
Myungsoo rushes him back to the ward.
The last thing Sungyeol sees when he is rushed to emergency room in the wheel chair, is Myungsoo's horrified face, standing there in the hallway in his black jacket, lost and confused.
Once they stabilize him, good six hours later, he is taken back to his room.
He still has tremors all over his body from the medications they pumped into him and he's nauseous and dizzy.
Myungsoo has his hand over his eyes and he's sitting on the waiting chair beside his room.
He stands up abruptly and follows into the room when the nurse helps Sungyeol up the bed and plugs in the nasal prong into his nose.
At least it's not the one in his mouth, because that one is much less attractive.
The nurse explains that Myungsoo should leave to let him rest, but Myungsoo insists to spend the night there to look after him. The nurse hesitates, so Myungsoo just sits down without hearing what she has to say on this.
Once she leaves, Sungyeol immediately says; "You're not guilty... It just happens sometimes. They changed my medications."
"The doctor told me that if I brought you five minutes later, you would've died."
"Didn't you say that we all die some day?"
Myungsoo shakes his head; "Why didn't you tell me that you feel unwell? We could've stayed in, watch a movie or prank one of the interns or..."
"I wanted to go outside."
Myungsoo rubs his hand on his face as if he's tired. He probably is tired. "Just go to sleep, alright? I'll be right here when you'll be up."
-
In the morning, when Sungyeol wakes up, Myungsoo is sleeping with his head on the bed, buried in the nest of his arms. One of his hand holds onto his knee, as if to check if he moves during the night.
Sungyeol's body still is aching, but his fingers ghost on Myungsoo's hair.
It feels unbelievingly light.
Myungsoo stirs and yawns. Sungyeol draws his hand back really quickly, yet his muscles don't agree with the movement. He tries not to wince.
"Good morning." He greets as he stretches. "Can I use your toothbrush? I probably smell."
"Don't be disgusting." It's a bit painful to talk. His throat is sore.
Myungsoo snorts and gets up to wash his face.
Sungyeol slips in and out of consciousness a few times. The doctors come and go. Myungsoo is there every time he opens his eyes.
.
In the evening he feels a little better, and is able to sit up.
He uses the moment to convince Myungsoo to go home.
"Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? Just leave already!"
"No." Myungsoo makes himself even more comfortable in his chair and puts his legs on Sungyeol's bed, too.
Sungyeol pushes them away from his bed. "Don't you want a change of clothes? Don't you have work? Don't you have somewhere to be at?" Sungyeol adjusts the prong on his nose.
"I already called work, and said I'm not going. Oh!" He looks like he forgot something important.
Sungyeol feels relieved, sure that about to leave, but Myungsoo doesn't look like he's in a hurry.
Myungsoo takes out his phone and starts tapping on it furiously, and after a few seconds it vibrates back.
He smiles at it, then puts his legs back on Sungyeol's bed. "Girlfriend said it's fine, so I'm staying."
"Girlfriend?" Sungyeol asks before he can stop himself. He's not sure why the word sounds so alien to his ears.
Myungsoo is in his early twenties, obviously he'll have a girlfriend.
He can suddenly feel his heart in his ribcage.
Myungsoo nods, smiling. "Yeah. Didn't I tell you about her?" He taps on his phone a few times, then shows him the screen; "That's her. Pretty, right?"
She is pretty. She's probably the prettiest girl Sungyeol ever saw.
She has long hair and beautiful, big eyes, a shy smile on her pink lips. Her complexion is fair and face looks perfect as if it's a painting. Myungsoo swipes the screen and there's a picture of the two of them.
They look good together.
Like an ideal couple out of a magazine.
He looks up at Myungsoo from the phone. "She's beautiful." He says.
Myungsoo smiles brightly as if he gave him the compliment, and tucks in the phone.
Sungyeol feels like he's about to get another attack, but it doesn't come.
He feels like he's suffocating, but the nasal prong on him keeps on sending air into his lungs.
His head spins a little and he closes his eyes.
It's like all the power he collected during the day left him in one blow.
"I'm going to sleep." He finally says after what seems to be an eternity. He feels really bad.
"Are you okay? Do you want me to call the nurse?"
He shakes his head.
"I'm going to sleep," He insists and turns to the other way.
"But you slept all day... I thought..."
"Just go home, Myungsoo. Please. I'm going to be here tomorrow, and the day after that. And the day after that."
Myungsoo is silent for a long while, then he says; "Alright." There's a bit of a pause and he adds; "I'll see you in."
He stays under the blanket with his eyes open for the longest time.
At some point it gets cold and silent, and he gets out of the blanket to check if he's gone.
Myungsoo is no longer in the room.
He covers himself with the blanket and then, sleep comes.
***
Guise, LJ is being a bitch, and won't let me post the whole thing together.
It's originally a oneshot and should be read at once.
so follow this link, please:
>> PART II THIS WAY >>
Myungyeol; PG; Drama (Angst?)
Originally posted on AFF's Secret Santa exchange for the prompt: "The pains of unrequited love."
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"So, how long have you been here, Sungyeol?"
The college student they sent him this time is persistent, and it's annoying.
Sungyeol doesn't remember the last time someone insisted on visiting him for a third time. Usually they leave after the first two unpleasant sessions. Some don't even last a whole hour.
"How long do you think?" He asks distractingly, crushing a line of candies on his tablet. His mom bought it for him because she thought he could use it against boredom. Or maybe she just tried to get him off her back, since he kept calling her every hour to inform her he peed.
"Pretty long, probably. You seem fairly experienced in Candy Crush."
Sungyeol glances at him.
He's a handsome guy. Probably around his age, living the life like every college student should. He probably has a car and a lot of friends and does this volunteering program for extra credit.
As if he actually wants to sit around and chat with a guy who most likely won't survive the night.
He hates people like that the most.
Hypocrites. He would rather be alone.
He should be finishing college about now, but instead, he's here, in a room that smells like sickness and medical alcohol. It makes him nauseous.
Well, everything makes him nauseous.
He goes back to his game.
"Look, man." He says calmly, while swiping his finger on the screen; "Just give me the paper where the nurse is supposed to sign the hours for you. I know a lot of nurses. I can get one of them to write a wonderful review about the beautiful work you did in the ward with the patients. Then both you and me can get on with our lives."
"And what would that accomplish?"
Sungyeol looks up from his tablet. "It will get you off my back, that's for sure."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"How can you be so sure?"
Sungyeol squints his eyes at him. "Are you defected in the brain or something?"
"Not really." He sighs and leans back; "How about you? What do you have? Cancer?"
"If I had cancer, I would be bald. And that's really insensitive of you."
"I heard there's many types of cancer, and not all therapies require you to go bald. You do know you go bald from the actual therapy and not the cancer, right?"
Sungyeol purses his lips to a thin line, and keeps on playing Candy Crush.
Maybe if he'll give him the silent treatment, he'll leave.
"So what is it that you have? Did you get your legs amputated or something? Why are always in bed?"
He carries off the conversation as if they're not talking about anything too important, but manages not to look too bored. Sungyeol wants to shove his still-very-intact legs down the guy's throat. How rude can he possibly get?
When he actually probes the blanket with his finger, to check for Sungyeol's legs, Sungyeol jerks his leg away so quickly, he hits him on the face with his knee.
His nose gets terribly red after a few seconds, then blood trickles out.
Sungyeol's eyes widen and he is baffled about the course of action you do in situation like this.
He presses the buzzer that calls the nurse until somebody finally rushes in.
.
Kim Myungsoo is there, head in his hands prepped on his elbows on the hospital bed, staring at him on five o'clock sharp next week.
And his nose looks fine. Not even purple.
"Do you want me to read 'Twilight: New Moon' for you? The girls in the children ward loved that."
Sungyeol wishes he would go to back to the children's ward and leave him alone to his agony.
"Their doctors told me I'm getting them overexcited so I came here."
Great.
"I'm not really talkative, so at least insert a word or so into the conversation. Occasionally."
Sungyeol turns to the window.
"Are you going to at least apologize for what you did to me?"
"I'm not going to apologize for your complete and utter asshole behavior and feeling up my legs." He blurts out before he can stop himself.
"And you're insulting me. I could sue you, you know. Even though you're handicapped."
Sungyeol turns his body to the window and covers himself with the blanket.
He's not handicapped.
He has a lung disease.
It funny, because he lived his entire life thinking he was a regular asthma case - and he thought having asthma was bad.
His body failed him back when Sungyeol was a perfectly young, healthy high-school student.
One day he was running late for class after recess and it started to get really hard to breathe. Then he tumbled down, clutching onto his chest.
After that, his life became a blur of doctors and emergency rooms - and from there treatments over treatments over more treatments; most of them made his body even more sick than it already was.
Sungyeol thinks if they haven't found out about it, and they would've marked it off as a regular asthma attack. He would've continued to live his life a completely normal teenager. But no, they had to do extra tests, just to be sure.
The first prognosis was one year tops - but he survived way longer than that, although you can hardly call those agonizingly long, painful 4 years living.
The hospital became his prison, and eventually, his home.
"Suit yourself." Myungsoo says. There's a few rustles and; "Even though I was thrilled to see him - conscious or otherwise - and even though I was almost positive that I was dreaming, I panicked as Edward walked toward us through the glaring sunlight. I panicked because-"
"For the love of god, just leave!"
"I didn't get to the best part yet. He's shinning in the sunlight. It's horrible."
"Yes, I know! I'm not stupid! That thing is all over the internet!"
"You know what internet is?"
Sungyeol jerks into sitting and points to the door; "Get out!"
.
Myungsoo brings a bottle of bubbles next time he comes and blows into the wand, making many tiny, floating soap orbs above Sungyeol's bed.
"I'm starting to think you escaped from the mental ward. And not actually a volunteer."
"Don't you like them? I think it looks romantic. Goes really well with the theme you got here."
"What theme do I got here?" He snaps back.
"That morbid leave-me-alone-to-die theme...?" Myungsoo says it like it's obvious, then blows bubbles into his face. Sungyeol waves them off aggressively.
"If you see this theme, why don't you leave?"
"Because I'm on probation, and you're the only one here who doesn't want me to play with Barbies or tell me war stories. Or the shape your poop came out in the morning. The old guy down the hall really likes that stuff. I mean, he documents his crap. How sick is that? Besides, the nurses really approve that I spend time with you."
Sungyeol shifts on his bed. "Probation? So you're here for community service and not voluntarily? Wait, Are you talking about Mr. Jang? If he only showed you pictures of his poop, he was at his best behavior - sometime he makes videos of himself peeing and shows them to people."
Myungsoo stops blowing bubbles, and laughs.
"So, what did you do?" Sungyeol probes.
"I killed twelve people with my bow and arrows."
Myungsoo snorts when he sees the expression on his face. "My roommate framed me for drugs possession. I got suspended from school, but there wasn't enough evidence, so all I have to do is community service."
"What? Seriously? Can't you just say they were his?"
"I did, but nobody believed me because he's an honor student and his daddy is an important face in the industry, and I'm on scholarship."
"That sucks."
"Yeah." Myungsoo catches a bubble before it lands on the bed. "But it doesn't suck as bad as being in bed all day long and pretending I'm a stubborn jerk-off. What do you even do here for fun?"
"For starters I don't blow bubbles like a retard."
"I saw some retards down the hall, and believe me, even they got it better than you."
Sungyeol frowns.
Myungsoo smirks, because he thinks he's hilarious.
"Why do you have to be so insensitive and inappropriate all the time?"
He shrugs, then screws off the cap from his bubble bottle and continues to do his bubbles.
.
Weirdly enough, Sungyeol gets used to his company pretty fast when he realizes he's not going away.
It's probably because Myungsoo is the only company he gets during week days.
Daeyeol, Sungyeol's little brother is busy with his last year in college. He also has a girlfriend, so he barely comes. His mom and dad are working around the clock to pay for his hospital bills. His mom tries to come every other day, but usually she ends up coming on weekends.
His friends pretty much lasted for a year.
He usually indulges in long conversation in chat-rooms or forums. He never tells anybody he's sick. Nobody's interested in that on the internet, anyhow.
Myungsoo doesn't seem to care he's sick, so it's a little relieving.
People usually treat him like he's the most fragile thing in the world, like butterfly wings. They even try not to talk too loudly next to him as if his hearing is defected along with his lungs.
Myungsoo allows himself to cackle like an idiot more often thn not.
One time he showed him his collection of funny YouTube videos he found, and the nurse had to come in to tell them to be a little quieter.
Sungyeol isn't used to it.
It's almost like having a friend.
.
"That was the lamest movie ever." Sungyeol comments the second it ends.
Myungsoo brought his own laptop so they could watch some movie he downloaded in order to fill in their time.
"I know. It was horrible. I thought to stop it in the middle, but you looked immersed."
"What? I thought you're immersed, because you kept making these noises."
"Those were 'I-want-to-slap-the-main-actor' noises!"
"Kind of sounded like 'cheering-for-the-main-actor-to-survive' noises."
Myungsoo shrugs and pulls the laptop off the bed.
"I feel like I wasted two hours of precious time I got left on earth." Sungyeol continues.
"Oh please, saint martyr Lee Sungyeol. The nurse told me your condition isn't even that gravid."
"Did she tell you I also have a prognosis of half a year to live?"
"No, you don't." There's disbelief written all over his face, then, he also rolls his eyes when he meets his angry gaze.
"Yes, I do. I have a rare lung condition; I had seven surgeries over the past four years and none of them worked."
"Well, obviously none of them would work - the more you lay here in this dark room, with these gray walls closing in on you and this horrible smell all around you, you're psychologically bound to be sick forever. I come here, what? every other day? And I feel sick just from being here."
"You don't get it, do you? I'm in this room because breathing outside of it will risk my death. There's special stuff on the walls and salt in the machine that makes it less likely for me to get an attack. Besides, after treatments, it's hard to walk for me."
"But it's not like this room is preventing you from dying. You said it yourself, you have only half a year to go." It sounds like mockery and Sungyeol furrows his eyebrows at him. "Either way, at some point you die. We all die, eventually."
Sungyeol sighs. "Well, that's another way to look at it."
"Are you after treatment, right now?"
"No. My treatment is on Mondays and-"
"Let me take you outside."
His eyes widen at the suggestion. "What?"
"For a walk. You can walk, right? Or did they already amputated your legs?"
"I can't leave without supervision."
Myungsoo makes a face, stands up abruptly and leaves the room. He comes back a minute later with a wheelchair, grinning; "Nurse said it's fine as long as you sit in the wheelchair. Come on, let's show the world how handicapped you are."
"Asshole. I can walk just fine. I just... need to take breaks." Sungyeol sits up. His bare feet touch the tiles of the floor.
When he stands up and wears his sweater, he understands Myungsoo is still watching his feet.
Sungyeol flicks his forehead, though it doesn't come out very strong; "Did you actually thought they're amputated?"
Myungsoo looks up to him. There's an unreadable expression on his face, something akin to awe; "No. You just have pretty feet."
Sungyeol looks back on his feet then frowns; "Are you one of these people who get off on that shit?"
"I'm just-"
"Let's just go before I change my mind. I should probably write a note for my mom so she'd know who to blame if I die."
Sungyeol opens the door and looks around the hallway.
"Nurse said you're going on a wheelchair or not going at all, so you're going on a wheelchair."
"I'm not going on a wheelchair!"
"Sit."
"No."
"Sit."
"I'll even get you an old-people blanket on your legs." Myungsoo waggles his eyebrows. "Sounds fun, right?"
.
Sungyeol doesn't enjoy the ride outside because he feels like everybody have their eyes on him and look at him like he's defected in some way.
They are right, but it still makes Sungyeol feel inferior and he hates it.
He keeps on complaining as he sits with his hands crossed over his chest while Myungsoo drives him around making 'vroom-vroom' noises.
Myungsoo finds a small spot somewhere in the garden of the hospital where it's mostly empty and lands on the bench; "Are you done grumbling?"
"Can I stand up now?" Myungsoo looks back from where they came from, then nods. "But just for a bit. And don't go closer to the flowers. That's probably not good for you."
"You sound like my mom." Sungyeol throws the blanket at Myungsoo's face.
It's been awhile since he's been outside.
He walks up to the grass, then takes off one of his hospital flip-flops.
"Hey!" Myungsoo warns. "If you're going to do something stupid, go back to the wheelchair."
Sungyeol doesn't listen and takes off his other flip flop and lets his legs sink into the grass.
He smiles and looks up. It's a bit cloudy, but it's not that cold.
It feels refreshing.
He can feel his lungs - his weak, frail, treacherous lungs - get filled with fresh air.
He walks around the bench excitedly, while Myungsoo looks like he's about to jump on him any second and wrestle him back to the wheelchair and tie him to it.
It's weird, walking around on grass outside.
You think you can do everything until you can't. Then you get too comfortable in the boundaries everybody else set for you, and you forget all about what you can and can't do. The ground is warm beneath his toes, and the grass feels damp.
Before he can take another step, Myungsoo wraps a hand around him and pulls him back. He points a finger at him; "No."
He means it as a joke probably, so Sungyeol doesn't understand why he's so surprised. He's not used to being so touchy with someone - hell, he's not even touchy with his baby brother.
It's probably because he was walking close to the roses.
"Now that you got some authority, you feel the need to use it? Please." Sungyeol sits down on his wheelchair. "Take me back to my room, peasant. I wish to rest."
Myungsoo snorts.
.
After that he starts waiting for Myungsoo's visits.
They won't always go down to the gardens. But when they do, Sungyeol swears the nurse not to tell his mom because she'll flip.
At some point he feels stronger, healthier.
He feels normal, lying on the grass looking onto clouds with Myungsoo. It's been awhile since he had a friend that isn't a nurse or a doctor who tries to investigate him so they could name his illness in their name.
Myungsoo is really polite to everybody else. The nurses are fond of him and the girls and boys from the children ward come running when they stroll by with the wheelchair. Even some of the old people know him by name and wave at him.
Sungyeol feels he's special because Myungsoo isn't polite to him.
It's a bit weird, but he understands that Myungsoo allows himself to release his inner bastard when he's with him.
He's really subtle actually, and clumsy, and weird and funny and he laughs at just about every joke Sungyeol has to offer.
.
His head falls with a plop onto Sungyeol's thigh.
Sungyeol feels a little uncomfortable at the proximity, but doesn't deny it.
He's just unsure what to do.
Where should he put his hands? How should he react to it?
How he should return the favor so he won't seem like a cold arrogant idiot?
He just sits there on his bed, with his legs outstretched, dumbfounded.
"I'm so tired." Myungsoo yawns and closes his eyes. "I shouldn't have taken a double-shift at work."
"Work? You never said anything about work." Either Myungsoo didn't actually notice his discomfort, or he doesn't really mind.
He's like that. He needs to touch everything and feel it even if it doesn't require making contact.
"What's there to say, I'm waiting tables in order to pay for a tiny crap hole of an apartment."
"Don't you live with your parents?"
"My mom decided to give up on me after the drugs incident. She told me I'm on my own. Don't blame her. She has also my little brother to raise. Better if she invested in his future than in mine, anyway. He's a straight As student."
"I also have a little brother." Sungyeol perks up, and opens his drawer to retrieve his picture with Daeyeol. "He's 18. Looks just like me, right? He's not really good at school, but he's really good with his hands. He can do just about anything. He's graduating this year."
Myungsoo looks from the picture to him, then back to the picture, a few times.
"Good genes run in the family?" He comments finally.
Sungyeol likes getting complimented, because it reminds him of the days he was popular at school.
Myungsoo gives him the photo back, then blinks his eyes tiredly. "Urgh, my eyes are slipping closed. Do you mind if I go early today?"
"Why are you asking me if it's okay? I'm not forcing you to be here."
"Yeah, it's just a freaking court order that I have to follow."
"If you're so anxious to get rid of me, there's this lady at room 102, she can't talk without gurgling her spit. I bet you'd love that."
Myungsoo has this thing where he looks into his eyes and it feels as if he's not staring at his eyes, but into the back of his skull. From the inside.
It's like he explores Sungyeol's mind with his dark eyes, which is a little creepy. And uncomfortable.
"Alright," He sighs eventually and gets up. "I'm going. I feel like if I'll stay another minute, you might need to share your bed."
"Wouldn't want your stinky legs anyway."
Once he leaves the room becomes unbearably silent, and Sungyeol feels the lack of him. The lack of Myungsoo latching himself to him. It might be a strong pat on the back or a tug of a wrist, but sometimes he'd even hug him when he'll leave.
It just comes off a bit awkward. Sungyeol doesn't really know what to do when it happens.
He hasn't been in the company of people who are not his family and not his doctors for so long, that he must have forgotten what are the proper etiquette of behaving next to them.
Or maybe Myungsoo is the strange one.
.
"If you had only one thing you could wish for, what will you wish for?"
Myungsoo looks up from the chocolate box he brought. He shrugs, then looks like he thinks about it, then says; "Get really rich, buy this hospital and then torment you until forever...?" It's more like a question; he sounds unsure.
"That's three wishes. I said one."
"I'll get all that if only I'll get rich, so get rich. But... I don't know. I always wanted to travel around the world and photograph things."
"Like your poop?"
Myungsoo laughs; "Among others."
"You're sick in the head."
"You're sick in the chest."
"You know, the only good thing about you is that you bring sweets with you when you come."
"I might stop bringing them, and then you'll like me for all my other qualities."
"I don't think there's any other qualities in you that I like besides the chocolate thing. Well, maybe when you fall asleep with your mouth opened after a shift, and then I stuff things inside." He takes another chocolate for himself. He's probably not allowed to eat it, but nobody's going to know.
"Aha! I knew it! I knew you weren't asleep when I woke up with tissues in my mouth!"
Sungyeol laughs.
Myungsoo picks a chocolate out of the last three in the box.
"So? What about you? What would you wish for?"
Sungyeol doesn't need to think too long; "I want to die as quickly and as painlessly as possible. I think I deserve as much after what I've been though."
"You're kidding, right? That's your wish? Instead of getting better?"
"Getting better? Even if I do get better, I'll have to eat gazillion pills a day in order to even get a semi-normal life. I'll have to go back to school, although I should be finishing my degree about now, I'll be friendless, and there's not many places who will want a guy who has a rare lung disease working in their company."
"Well, yes, all that may be true, but you could live. Outside of here. Don't you want to go to the beach, or to work or to graduate from school?"
Sungyeol sighs really deeply; "I think I'm done for. I just want it to be sooner so my mom won't have to pay for the bills any longer."
"And I thought I'm a negative person." Myungsoo crunches on another chocolate.
Sungyeol doesn't like that.
He wants Myungsoo to have a positive opinion of him, but he can't really correct the way he's thinking.
He wonders when was the last time he worried about what somebody else thinks of him.
-
One day, outside, right after the rain the garden is crisp and cold and wet.
Sungyeol's chest hurts, but he ignores it up until the moment he can't breathe.
It comes out like an asthma attack, and it feels like the air he inhales just won't go through to his lungs. When he tries to cough out whatever blocking his throat, blood comes out.
Myungsoo rushes him back to the ward.
The last thing Sungyeol sees when he is rushed to emergency room in the wheel chair, is Myungsoo's horrified face, standing there in the hallway in his black jacket, lost and confused.
Once they stabilize him, good six hours later, he is taken back to his room.
He still has tremors all over his body from the medications they pumped into him and he's nauseous and dizzy.
Myungsoo has his hand over his eyes and he's sitting on the waiting chair beside his room.
He stands up abruptly and follows into the room when the nurse helps Sungyeol up the bed and plugs in the nasal prong into his nose.
At least it's not the one in his mouth, because that one is much less attractive.
The nurse explains that Myungsoo should leave to let him rest, but Myungsoo insists to spend the night there to look after him. The nurse hesitates, so Myungsoo just sits down without hearing what she has to say on this.
Once she leaves, Sungyeol immediately says; "You're not guilty... It just happens sometimes. They changed my medications."
"The doctor told me that if I brought you five minutes later, you would've died."
"Didn't you say that we all die some day?"
Myungsoo shakes his head; "Why didn't you tell me that you feel unwell? We could've stayed in, watch a movie or prank one of the interns or..."
"I wanted to go outside."
Myungsoo rubs his hand on his face as if he's tired. He probably is tired. "Just go to sleep, alright? I'll be right here when you'll be up."
-
In the morning, when Sungyeol wakes up, Myungsoo is sleeping with his head on the bed, buried in the nest of his arms. One of his hand holds onto his knee, as if to check if he moves during the night.
Sungyeol's body still is aching, but his fingers ghost on Myungsoo's hair.
It feels unbelievingly light.
Myungsoo stirs and yawns. Sungyeol draws his hand back really quickly, yet his muscles don't agree with the movement. He tries not to wince.
"Good morning." He greets as he stretches. "Can I use your toothbrush? I probably smell."
"Don't be disgusting." It's a bit painful to talk. His throat is sore.
Myungsoo snorts and gets up to wash his face.
Sungyeol slips in and out of consciousness a few times. The doctors come and go. Myungsoo is there every time he opens his eyes.
.
In the evening he feels a little better, and is able to sit up.
He uses the moment to convince Myungsoo to go home.
"Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? Just leave already!"
"No." Myungsoo makes himself even more comfortable in his chair and puts his legs on Sungyeol's bed, too.
Sungyeol pushes them away from his bed. "Don't you want a change of clothes? Don't you have work? Don't you have somewhere to be at?" Sungyeol adjusts the prong on his nose.
"I already called work, and said I'm not going. Oh!" He looks like he forgot something important.
Sungyeol feels relieved, sure that about to leave, but Myungsoo doesn't look like he's in a hurry.
Myungsoo takes out his phone and starts tapping on it furiously, and after a few seconds it vibrates back.
He smiles at it, then puts his legs back on Sungyeol's bed. "Girlfriend said it's fine, so I'm staying."
"Girlfriend?" Sungyeol asks before he can stop himself. He's not sure why the word sounds so alien to his ears.
Myungsoo is in his early twenties, obviously he'll have a girlfriend.
He can suddenly feel his heart in his ribcage.
Myungsoo nods, smiling. "Yeah. Didn't I tell you about her?" He taps on his phone a few times, then shows him the screen; "That's her. Pretty, right?"
She is pretty. She's probably the prettiest girl Sungyeol ever saw.
She has long hair and beautiful, big eyes, a shy smile on her pink lips. Her complexion is fair and face looks perfect as if it's a painting. Myungsoo swipes the screen and there's a picture of the two of them.
They look good together.
Like an ideal couple out of a magazine.
He looks up at Myungsoo from the phone. "She's beautiful." He says.
Myungsoo smiles brightly as if he gave him the compliment, and tucks in the phone.
Sungyeol feels like he's about to get another attack, but it doesn't come.
He feels like he's suffocating, but the nasal prong on him keeps on sending air into his lungs.
His head spins a little and he closes his eyes.
It's like all the power he collected during the day left him in one blow.
"I'm going to sleep." He finally says after what seems to be an eternity. He feels really bad.
"Are you okay? Do you want me to call the nurse?"
He shakes his head.
"I'm going to sleep," He insists and turns to the other way.
"But you slept all day... I thought..."
"Just go home, Myungsoo. Please. I'm going to be here tomorrow, and the day after that. And the day after that."
Myungsoo is silent for a long while, then he says; "Alright." There's a bit of a pause and he adds; "I'll see you in."
He stays under the blanket with his eyes open for the longest time.
At some point it gets cold and silent, and he gets out of the blanket to check if he's gone.
Myungsoo is no longer in the room.
He covers himself with the blanket and then, sleep comes.
***
Guise, LJ is being a bitch, and won't let me post the whole thing together.
It's originally a oneshot and should be read at once.
so follow this link, please:
>> PART II THIS WAY >>