The Problem with Mortality [AFF Secret Santa MyungYeol]
Part II
Myungyeol; PG; Drama (Angst?)
Originally posted on AFF's Secret Santa exchange for the prompt: "The pains of unrequited love."
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<< BACK TO PART I <<
Taking a bath is a huge ordeal, especially because the nurse wants to come in with him and it's embarrassing.
They settle for leaving the door unlocked.
He's just toweling himself when he notices his reflection in the mirror.
He's not much to look at.
A skinny man.
Not even skinny, just bones. It looks bad because he's so tall - if he was a little shorter, he might have come off as less skeletal. The disease is sucking the life out of him.
He lets his long, lanky fingers caress the skin of his face. There's large bags under his eyes, and his eyes look too big because of that. Red-rimmed, irritated, sick.
His lips are pale. Well, not just his lips - if he was any brighter, he would've disappeared in the background of the white wall.
His hair grew too long, it looks like auburn straw growing to his scalp.
All he's able to think of is Myungsoo's girlfriend, with her healthy blush and high cheekbones and pretty eyes and it literally pinches at his insides. She's probably funny and smart too, because that's the kind of girl he sees Myungsoo with.
He couldn't have picture him dating a lesser being.
He understands he's jealous.
He's jealous, because he's not good company and he's not too much to look at. The only thing he can offer is his jokes.
How could he possibly be better company than her? Myungsoo probably only stayed because he felt guilty; he's the one who took him outside.
He suddenly hates the fact that he befriended Myungsoo. He shouldn't have. He knew he shouldn't have. That's why he doesn't befriend anybody.
It's better if Myungsoo didn't come at all.
Sungyeol writes him a letter that day, where he gives various reasons why he shouldn't come anymore.
It's much easier to write - because he can reveal his feelings without the awkward silence that comes after the sound of his voice.
He writes three more letters during the weekend.
Myungsoo may never read them, but it makes his heart ache less.
-
He's reading something on his tablet when Myungsoo comes over next, and he tries not to look up.
"Hi!" Myungsoo greets, setting his coat on the chair next to his bed. "I see they got the nose-thing out. And here I was just about to suggest you to audition for an alien part in some movie. I'm sure you would've done brilliantly. You could also make those owl noises you do. Totally alien material."
Sungyeol nods lightly, trying to focus on his tablet.
His mother came on the weekend, but Myungsoo did not.
Seeing his mom fussing around him reminded him that he doesn't know Myungsoo that long, and he should probably let go of him. Myungsoo is soon going to stop coming anyway, so Sungyeol shouldn't have made any attachments in the first place.
"I bought a board game."
"What for?"
Myungsoo stays silent for awhile then carefully says; "So we could play."
Sungyeol finally looks up to see his face.
He looks a little awkward, then makes a strange face and sits on the bed next to his legs. "Are you mad at me?"
"Not really." He returns to his tablet. "I just think you probably have something better to do with your life than coming here. How many community service hours do you have left?"
Myungsoo stays silent for the longest time, forcing Sungyeol to look up again; "I finished them two weeks ago." He finally says.
He almost blows up; "And you kept on coming? Why?! Why would you do that?!" His voice falters because he's not used to screaming. He's not even sure when was the last time he got so angry.
If he had the possibility to leave here, he would have never came back; he'd do everything. He'd try everything he didn't get to try. Travel around the world, meet new people, climb on a freaking ice-wall or just sit around on a beach in Busan with a cocktail and whistle at girls who pass by - even earning slaps from them won't discourage him.
"Because-" Myungsoo trails off; "Because honestly, I thought 1200 hours here are going to be hell, but it ended before I even blinked. Because of you. And it's a fun past time."
Sungyeol wants to retorts something but Myungsoo continues; "You're my friend. I don't even remember the last time I had an actual friend I can talk about my shit with-"
"What about your girlfriend?"
"What about her?"
"You can talk about your shit with her! In fact, you could be spending your time with her, just as we speak!"
"It's not the same. Girls don't understand stuff like that - I mean, she wouldn't understand these stuff the way you will."
"I can't believe this. If I was you, I wouldn't set my foot into this building ever again. Even if I had the worst injury ever."
"So, if it was me on this bed with a tube inside my nose and you were the one assigned with community service, you wouldn't have come to visit me?"
That really presses the wrong button.
So he really is coming out of guilt.
"I don't need your pity." He spits, angry. "I was mighty fine before you came into the picture-"
"I don't pity you, Sungyeol - Well, maybe I do, because sometimes you act like a retard-"
"You're the retard with your stupid bubble bottles!" He throws the pillow at him and Myungsoo tries his best not to burst out laughing; "-But my point is, that I don't pity you. I like coming here because we're friends."
"What about your girlfriend-"
"What does she has to do with anything? She's just a girl. Haven't you heard? Love comes and goes but friends stay forever." Myungsoo gives him a cheesy smile. He probably thinks he's hilarious.
"You can't ditch your girlfriend to come to this wretched room in this wretched hospital. People don't do that."
"I'm not people."
"Myungsoo," He puts down his tablet; "Go out there and live your life. Be a photographer. Have an exhibit of poop pictures. People like modern art. Just don't come here."
"I am living my life. Even without the photography thing."
"No, you're wasting it! Especially by coming here! I dream at nights how I get out of this place, and finish school, or get a job! And you have all this, and a beautiful girl on top of it, and you come here instead- I- " He grips into his sheets as the searing pain expends in his chest.
It seems like the new medication they started giving him a month ago is making him worse instead of better.
"I thought you wanted to die peacefully. What happened? Did you have a change of heart or something? So much drama, jeez."
He tries to say something, but there's a rush coming up his throat, and then the feeling of his throat getting squeezed.
Myungsoo thinks he's joking for another 15 seconds, then furrows his eyebrows and presses the button to call the doctor.
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The doctor tells Myungsoo that even though Sungyeol got his nose prong out, he's still very weak and prone to have attacks if he gets too excited. He also tells him that it would be better for him to leave, although he uses a much more gentle phrasing.
Myungsoo does leaves.
He doesn't come back for another four days, and in those four days, Sungyeol condition worsens.
He tries to write Myungsoo letters to keep himself busy, but in some point, he can't even hold the pen correctly, and he has to rasp to the nurse to take the pen out of his hand and tuck his things away.
They put back the damn nose-prong, and also put him on an IV treatment.
Sungyeol hates the IV therapy more than any other kind of therapy; as long as the needle is stuck to his arm, he can't even pee properly. Instead of pumping the life into him, the thing feels like it's sucking it out through his vein.
Sungyeol wishes that Myungsoo won't come anymore. He doesn't want Myungsoo to see him like that.
When he finally comes, Sungyeol is trying to fall asleep after he refused his lunch. He peeks into the room like a complete idiot, and when he sees he's awake and staring at him, immediately draws back and hits the door in the process.
Sungyeol waits for another minute or so for him to come in, but he doesn't.
"I didn't go blind, yet, if that's what you're hoping for. I saw you." He tells the door.
There's a scuffle, then he enters really slowly, looking kind of sheepish; "I was hoping you'd take me for a delusion or something." He hesitates, then puts the bag on the chair. "How are you?"
"Can't you see how great I'm doing?" He glances at the IV, then sighs; "It'd be nice to talk to someone, even if it's delusion." Sungyeol presses some button on his bed, and it lifts him up to a better angle.
It takes it terribly slow to do so, and it also produces weird sounds, so when it finally stops, he and Myungsoo snort at the same time.
"So, why won't your other friends come?"
Sungyeol shrugs.
"Don't answer that, you have a horrible personality, and that explains that."
Sungyeol frowns; "You think my personality is bad? You should listen to yourself talk."
Myungsoo chuckles, and finally sits down; "Sorry I didn't come earlier-"
"I used to have tons of friends. At school. I was in a different hospital back then, and the room was filled with their get-better cards and what-not. There would be a big enough crowd to make the doctor come in the room and ask them to leave every five seconds. Even girls. Classmates I didn't know the name of. And they came all the time, until they didn't. Exam period, then holidays, at some point I started to annoy them with my texts, so one of them sent me a; 'why don't you die already?'" Sungyeol snorts; "That's why I don't have friends."
"That's cruel."
"Life is cruel."
Myungsoo bites his lip, then moves to sit on his bed; "I'm not going anywhere."
"Pfft, you won't have to wait long now. I'm going to drop dead any second." He coughs painfully and tries to adjust his position on the bed.
It hurts to breath like that, but he doesn't want to look ill. He really missed Myungsoo.
"Don't say that." The expression on his face turns soft suddenly. "I don't have any other friends either. I understood that when none of them wanted to testimony in my favor for the drug trail. I still wonder if they were bribed to do so or were just afraid to go against my roommate."
"If I were you, I'd go and try out drugs just to spite everybody."
Myungsoo laughs, then seems to have remembered something; "I applied to a college. Another one. I'm going to need to cram for a few weeks for the exam, but I think it'll be okay."
"That sounds... really good." He nods faintly, then tries to sit up, but can't. He's really happy for him. "But what about photography?"
Myungsoo looks really concerned; "Should I call the nurse?"
Sungyeol shakes his head; "I'm fine."
"The nurse said you're not allowed visitors because your condition is bad."
"Really? How did you get in, then?"
"I used my charming personality," Myungsoo jokes.
Sungyeol wants to laugh, but something hoarse comes out.
"I'm going to get the nurse, alright?"
He catches his hand before he can leave. "No, stay. For a bit. I..."
The room starts to get foggy. He intertwines his fingers with Myungsoo's. He wonders if the nurse poured him some sedative into the IV so he'll fall asleep faster. Probably. She was messing with it earlier.
"Hey, Myungsoo?" He doesn't want to fall asleep, because he feels like Myungsoo might not come again if he does.
"What is it?" He answers.
"Could you promise me something."
"Just don't die on me. Have the decency to do that when I'm not here."
"I'll try," He laughs; "But you'll have to try to go and become a photographer."
"I'm not taking photos of my poop. No matter how popular modern art is. I'm going to end up in the same room with Mr. Jang, if I do."
Sungyeol laughs some more. His eyes slip closed.
Myungsoo thumb caresses his hand.
"Could you give me a goodbye kiss?"
He's pretty sure he didn't say it out loud. Kind of embarrassing to ask for such a thing. It's probably the drug talking out of him.
Maybe Myungsoo left to call the nurse, or maybe he already fall asleep.
He's pretty sure he dreams about getting that kiss.
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When he wakes up, Myungsoo isn't in the room.
He doesn't come by for the next week, which is by far the longest time he didn't visit him in months.
When another week passes, he understands he's not going to return.
He vows to get better after that, though he's not sure why.
Maybe Myungsoo wasn't even real and he imagined him.
He writes him one last letter.
It turns out longer than the rest of them, but he clearly gets the message across. Finally.
He likes him.
Maybe a little more than how you should like a friend.
... ... ...
For two days straight Myungsoo refuses showing his face in the hospital, so he sits in his apartment and misses Sungyeol.
He decides to confides in his girlfriend; she could tell he's behaving weirdly because she has that weird sixth-sense that girls have.
So he tells her. He tells her Sungyeol asked him to kiss him goodbye.
She dislikes Sungyeol although she never met him, because he can't really stop talking about him. He knows he's annoying, but he wants to tell everybody about Sungyeol.
He feels like one of those proud moms that walks around with a picture of her kid and shows it to people even when they don't ask.
So, because she didn't have a high opinion of him before, when he blurts it out, she looks disapproving.
"And? Did you?"
"Yeah."
She shrugs; "Well, at least now you won't have to go there anymore."
"Why not... Wait, Are you really okay with this?"
"Why shouldn't I be okay with it? If one kiss on the cheek is going to make you stop going there all the time-" She immediately knows by the expression on his face, though; "It wasn't on the cheek, was it?" She stands up abruptly, and takes her bag.
When he tries to explain it to her, he gets a slapped.
Oh well.
.
On the cheek.
He feels stupid the more he thinks of it.
Why didn't he think of that?
Sungyeol probably didn't mean a kiss on the lips either. Because they're friends. Friends don't kiss on the mouth.
The thought drove him insane. What was he thinking?
He could've just kissed him on the cheek but it didn't even occurred to him. It made much more sense to kiss him on the lips.
Sungyeol probably thinks he's an idiot, and it's embarrassing and he feels like burying himself somewhere.
He can't go to the hospital, so he excuses himself by cramming for the exam. It's really distracting, and makes him focus on something else besides obsessing about whether or not he goes to the hospital and faces him.
Yet most often than not, he spaces out thinking about Sungyeol. He wonders if he's still connected to the IV.
He looked pale and drowsy when he last visited, but the nurse promised him she just gave him sedative and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. "In fact," she said that day after she came into the room to check up if he already fall asleep, and caught Myungsoo with his cheeks burning red and his hand clutched tightly to Sungyeol's; "Things are looking up for him. His body is very welcoming to the new medications. It always gets a little worse before it gets better, he might be able to battle it out."
Myungsoo really hoped he fall asleep before he felt him kiss his lips.
Once he's done with the exam, he buys a set of colorful, ugly Christmas socks and comes to the hospital.
It's already winter, and Sungyeol is probably not wearing socks on his pale, fragile legs. Besides, it would make a good apology gift, along with a Christmas gift.
It's like killing two birds in one stone.
He could say he has elapses of insanity, he decides before he opens the door.
Only, the room is dark, and when he opens the light, there's nothing there beside an empty, freshly made bed. He immediately goes to the nurse station.
He's not familiar with any of the staff working that day, and one of the nurses just tells him that he was probably relocated to another ward. When Myungsoo asks her if she could check where, she checks on the computer, then says that she can't seem to find a patient like that in their hospital.
"I'm pretty sure he got relocated to another hospital." She assumes.
"If you find anything, could you please, um, call me, or send me a message or whatever?" He gives her his details.
She nods; "I'm going to clean the room anyway, since a new patient is coming on Friday. Maybe I'll find something in the rack."
Myungsoo hates himself for not taking Sungyeol's number. He actually isn't sure if Sungyeol had a phone.
It just felt so natural for him to always come back to the hospital. As if he's always going to be there.
Now he probably thinks he abandoned him like all his friends. This feels really silly.
Definitely a misunderstanding.
He tries going to another hospital, but the receptionist is less helpful and immediately tells him she can't give him details about the patients unless he's a relative. He tries roaming around the wards, but some nurse kicks him out.
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He feels the lack of him only a week after that.
It's been a month since he last saw him but suddenly, it feels like eternity.
He no longer cares if Sungyeol thinks he's stupid for kissing him, he just wants to see him.
Even if he'll insult him and laugh about him being worried about nothing.
The doorbell rings one afternoon.
He gets a package.
"From the hospital." The delivery man tells him.
Christmas gift from Sungyeol?
Myungsoo examines it, then understands it's a patch of pages. He looks up at the delivery man, as if he has the answer.
"Could you please sign this?"
"What is that? Some medical papers to fill up? To me?"
The guy purses his lip to a thin line; ""A nurse asked me to get it to you because you left her your address. I usually deliver the deceased belongings to the family."
Myungsoo's eyes widen.
The man looks a little awkward standing there, so he just shrugs and leaves, giving him a small nod.
Myungsoo wants to call after him and demand him to take back what he said or at least to repeat it.
He stands there at the door for another long five minutes, then, it finally sinks in.
.
The first letter from the bunch is set almost three months ago.
He recognizes Sungyeol's handwriting before he even reads the 'Dear Myungsoo,' at the upper corner of the page.
He feels like he's inside a nightmare and it's caving in on him and he can't wake up.
He takes a sick leave from work.
He's actually sick.
The thought that there's no Sungyeol anymore makes him sick.
The possibility didn't even occurred to him, because that nurse told him he's getting better.
It takes him a while to read the letters.
Most of the time he keeps folding them back, unable to continue.
If Sungyeol would've lived, he would've made a fine author. Real heart-wrenching material right there.
When he finishes the last letter by date, he feels like he's the one dying.
What kind of a goodbye is that?
He feels like dying so he could beat up Sungyeol in the heavens for leaving him these letters.
Somebody could've called him, updated him on it, but instead they just sent him the letters as if it might console him. He could've come to the funeral.
He's not sure he'll be able to come over it.
They say time heals everything, but Myungsoo feels worse the more time passes.
He wishes he had more time. At least a little bit. At least another hour.
He regrets not coming to the hospital.
He regrets not visiting him more. He should've just put a small tent in the room and lived there.
What was he thinking not coming a whole month?
He regrets that he didn't met him earlier and didn't make him happy, at least for a while.
And he really wants to make him happy. Because Sungyeol deserves that.
Sungyeol deserves everything.
It hurts so bad. Worse than any physical pain he ever felt.
He spends his Christmas rereading the letters, because he thinks that way, he can be with Sungyeol in Christmas.
The more he reads them, laughing at the silly remarks, he realizes, between the messy handwriting and the quirky sentences, that he never actually liked someone to this extent.
He might be sugar-coating it, but frankly, Myungsoo spent more time with Sungyeol in that little room, than he did with any of his girlfriends combined. Yes, it was compulsory but it sure as hell didn't feel like it.
Sungyeol was right.
Life is cruel.
He's very much in love with a very dead Sungyeol.
Sungyeol probably would've rolled his eyes at him.
.
He decides to live for the both of them, at least for the time being.
Thinking that makes him feel like Sungyeol is still with him.
He decides not to go to college, like he planned, although he passes the entrance exam; he wouldn't have been a good engineer anyway. Instead he pursues the childhood dream about photography, while waiting tables to pay his bills.
He feels lonelier than ever.
In fact, it feels like his heart is bleeding, and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, and walks around in the apartment, trying to regulate his breathe and pretend he's okay.
Myungsoo walks around with the letters in his backpack as if they're his burden to carry.
In a way they are.
He will carry Sungyeol in his heart with him.
It's easier to think that.
In his last letter, Sungyeol keeps promising over and over that he'll get better eventually and things will be different.
Maybe he is better where he is, but Myungsoo isn't.
He's not sure if he'll ever be.
.
Three months after Christmas, and his birthday is coming up.
Myungsoo wonders when Sungyeol's birthday would be. He regrets not asking him.
It feels like he wasted a lot of time on nothing.
He barely even knows a thing about him.
They kept talking about movies or games or things on the internet. Stupid, useless things that don't matter now.
After his shifts, Myungsoo walks around aimlessly in the city, thinking it might restrain his wondering heart.
The wound still feels fresh, and Sungyeol is still vivid in his memories.
Myungsoo is scared that he'll fade in the end, become a blurry face.
He walks into a cafe, that day, and orders a light coffee.
While he waits for it, he remembers Sungyeol always liked coffee - at least the smell of it. He wasn't allowed to drink it. He would sneak him chocolates with a coffee flavor and he'd make weird throaty noises while eating them.
Someone passes by him and taps on the counter impatiently.
"Jiae, I forgot my coat! It's in the back on the hanger!"
It's probably one of the barista from the earlier shift, but what leaves Myungsoo speechless is his striking resemblance to Lee Sungyeol.
His hair is short-cut, done in fashionable hairstyle. He looks healthy, and his cheeks are plump and a little pink from the cold.
"Where is it?" Comes a reply from the girl who took his order.
"On the hanger!" He repeats. "Jiae, quickly!!! Quickly!"
He turns to his left, as if he wasn't expecting Myungsoo, and jumps in fright, putting a hand on his heart.
"Jeez, Myungsoo. What the hell are you doing here?"
"What?"
"Here's your stupid coat! Woohyun could wait another minute..." The barista hands him back his coat and Myungsoo his coffee. "Sorry for your the wait!"
He wears it and glances at Myungsoo, then clears his throat.
"Well, it was nice meeting you." He pats Myungsoo's shoulder once, then waves at Jiae and is about to leave.
"I thought you were dead."
"What?" Sungyeol starts to laugh, but doesn't turn to him and keeps on walking. "I didn't look that bad in the hospital, did I?"
"You did but- I got your letters right before Christmas and I was sure you died because-"
Sungyeol rubs his head at the mention of the letters and looks uncomfortable.
"Sorry about that." He leaves.
Myungsoo follows him outside and tugs onto his sleeve and stands in front of him so he won't take another step further. "How are you even alive?" He says it before he can think of something else to say.
It's really hard to speak.
He's even more beautiful from how he remembered him. He had the urge to take off his shoes and check if his feet are still pale and fragile just to make sure it's really him.
He shrugs. "I got another treatment - in a different facility. It was a bit pricy, but at least now I can walk about without dying. I have to swallow a bunch of pills for that, though. To maintain it. And I need to work because my mom loaned money- Not that it's any of your business."
Myungsoo understands he's angry with him because of something, but it's like a wave of relief washes over him and enfolds him in this tingling warmth. Sungyeol is alive, and safe, and normal, and works as a barista out of all things in the world, and he just wants to hug him and never let go again.
Sungyeol jerks his sleeve out of his hand, and circles him.
"I'm sorry." He says when he catches up to him; "It's just a bit of a shock, but it doesn't matter. Because you're alive and-"
"Look, man, I'll appreciate if you'll just leave me alone. If you read my letters, then you probably know now. It took me a load of time to get over you - in fact, I'm still in the process of doing so. If you could just leave and let me go about my merry way, it'd be great."
"You see, you don't need to get over me, because I'm-"
"Myungsoo, you left me there, and didn't return."
"I did return, but you weren't there and nobody knew where you are! Then I also got these letters and I thought you're dead!"
"My mom must have overlooked it when she packed my stuff or something. I wondered where they went, actually. I'm sorry, they were never meant to get sent to you. In fact, I should've burned them when I had the chance."
"Then what, you didn't mean anything you wrote?"
He looks insulted when Myungsoo says that and probes his hand into his chest.
"What do you think? I sat around and imagined nice scenarios where I showed my vulnerable side to you so you could just leave and never come back? I went through excessive questionable treatment and now I have to swallow meds every other hour so it won't come back just because I swore to myself that I'm never going to open up to someone like I opened up to you-"
"Sungyeol, can you just let me talk?!"
"No." He turns to leave again.
Myungsoo catches him by the coat. "Can I at least have your phone number or something?"
Sungyeol stops walking and looks like he's about to punch him.
"I didn't know you were in love with me! You could've told me!" Myungsoo reasons immediately.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I needed to buy a neon sign that said that. And I didn't need you to know anything. I just needed a friend!"
"Could you just listen to me for a second?"
"Look, I understand. You have your life and I was just some sick kid you visited, so let's just forget about the whole thing-"
"No. I can't forget it. I spent so much time mourning you, and now I can finally," He takes a long inhale. "I can finally be with you. I guess I just couldn't wrap my head around with being with another man, and I just needed time."
Sungyeol looks really uncomfortable. He looks down, then back at him.
His eyes glint with emotions; "It's too late now."
"What do you mean too late?"
"I mean that it's too late. You didn't really expect me to sit and wait for you, did you? You never returned."
"I didn't come for three weeks! I thought it will give you time to cool off after I kissed you-"
Sungyeol looks so shocked when he hears it; "You did what?"
Myungsoo doesn't know what to say for the longest time, but he doesn't have to because somebody barges into their conversation.
"Sungyeol, seriously. You promised it'll take you a moment."
He's not very tall, but he looks really charismatic. He immediately puts his hand on Sungyeol's shoulder. "Who's this?" He asks. "A friend?"
Sungyeol looks like he didn't recovered yet from the argument, staring at him with his wide eyes. "Something like that." He clears his throat. "Um, Woohyun, this is Myungsoo. He used to visit me when I was at the hospital."
"Jerk Kim Myungsoo?" Woohyun asks as if that's how Sungyeol refers to him.
Myungsoo opens his mouth to bite something back, but Sungyeol continues with the introductions; "Myungsoo... This is Woohyun, my boyfriend."
************
The transition to Myungsoo's POV kinda failed
BASICALLY, WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY IS THAT I'M NOT GOOD AT ANGST
NEVER AGAIN
OKAY
Gigantic, enormous thanks to my prompt-giver ilovesungyeollie
She also wants to write a sequel to this, so be sure to hop in to her account for it.
Also, special thanks to mingsuu who made me happy.
Check her fics out, she's brilliant!!!!
And last but not least:
"Jerk Kim Myungsoo?"
Myungyeol; PG; Drama (Angst?)
Originally posted on AFF's Secret Santa exchange for the prompt: "The pains of unrequited love."
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<< BACK TO PART I <<
Taking a bath is a huge ordeal, especially because the nurse wants to come in with him and it's embarrassing.
They settle for leaving the door unlocked.
He's just toweling himself when he notices his reflection in the mirror.
He's not much to look at.
A skinny man.
Not even skinny, just bones. It looks bad because he's so tall - if he was a little shorter, he might have come off as less skeletal. The disease is sucking the life out of him.
He lets his long, lanky fingers caress the skin of his face. There's large bags under his eyes, and his eyes look too big because of that. Red-rimmed, irritated, sick.
His lips are pale. Well, not just his lips - if he was any brighter, he would've disappeared in the background of the white wall.
His hair grew too long, it looks like auburn straw growing to his scalp.
All he's able to think of is Myungsoo's girlfriend, with her healthy blush and high cheekbones and pretty eyes and it literally pinches at his insides. She's probably funny and smart too, because that's the kind of girl he sees Myungsoo with.
He couldn't have picture him dating a lesser being.
He understands he's jealous.
He's jealous, because he's not good company and he's not too much to look at. The only thing he can offer is his jokes.
How could he possibly be better company than her? Myungsoo probably only stayed because he felt guilty; he's the one who took him outside.
He suddenly hates the fact that he befriended Myungsoo. He shouldn't have. He knew he shouldn't have. That's why he doesn't befriend anybody.
It's better if Myungsoo didn't come at all.
Sungyeol writes him a letter that day, where he gives various reasons why he shouldn't come anymore.
It's much easier to write - because he can reveal his feelings without the awkward silence that comes after the sound of his voice.
He writes three more letters during the weekend.
Myungsoo may never read them, but it makes his heart ache less.
-
He's reading something on his tablet when Myungsoo comes over next, and he tries not to look up.
"Hi!" Myungsoo greets, setting his coat on the chair next to his bed. "I see they got the nose-thing out. And here I was just about to suggest you to audition for an alien part in some movie. I'm sure you would've done brilliantly. You could also make those owl noises you do. Totally alien material."
Sungyeol nods lightly, trying to focus on his tablet.
His mother came on the weekend, but Myungsoo did not.
Seeing his mom fussing around him reminded him that he doesn't know Myungsoo that long, and he should probably let go of him. Myungsoo is soon going to stop coming anyway, so Sungyeol shouldn't have made any attachments in the first place.
"I bought a board game."
"What for?"
Myungsoo stays silent for awhile then carefully says; "So we could play."
Sungyeol finally looks up to see his face.
He looks a little awkward, then makes a strange face and sits on the bed next to his legs. "Are you mad at me?"
"Not really." He returns to his tablet. "I just think you probably have something better to do with your life than coming here. How many community service hours do you have left?"
Myungsoo stays silent for the longest time, forcing Sungyeol to look up again; "I finished them two weeks ago." He finally says.
He almost blows up; "And you kept on coming? Why?! Why would you do that?!" His voice falters because he's not used to screaming. He's not even sure when was the last time he got so angry.
If he had the possibility to leave here, he would have never came back; he'd do everything. He'd try everything he didn't get to try. Travel around the world, meet new people, climb on a freaking ice-wall or just sit around on a beach in Busan with a cocktail and whistle at girls who pass by - even earning slaps from them won't discourage him.
"Because-" Myungsoo trails off; "Because honestly, I thought 1200 hours here are going to be hell, but it ended before I even blinked. Because of you. And it's a fun past time."
Sungyeol wants to retorts something but Myungsoo continues; "You're my friend. I don't even remember the last time I had an actual friend I can talk about my shit with-"
"What about your girlfriend?"
"What about her?"
"You can talk about your shit with her! In fact, you could be spending your time with her, just as we speak!"
"It's not the same. Girls don't understand stuff like that - I mean, she wouldn't understand these stuff the way you will."
"I can't believe this. If I was you, I wouldn't set my foot into this building ever again. Even if I had the worst injury ever."
"So, if it was me on this bed with a tube inside my nose and you were the one assigned with community service, you wouldn't have come to visit me?"
That really presses the wrong button.
So he really is coming out of guilt.
"I don't need your pity." He spits, angry. "I was mighty fine before you came into the picture-"
"I don't pity you, Sungyeol - Well, maybe I do, because sometimes you act like a retard-"
"You're the retard with your stupid bubble bottles!" He throws the pillow at him and Myungsoo tries his best not to burst out laughing; "-But my point is, that I don't pity you. I like coming here because we're friends."
"What about your girlfriend-"
"What does she has to do with anything? She's just a girl. Haven't you heard? Love comes and goes but friends stay forever." Myungsoo gives him a cheesy smile. He probably thinks he's hilarious.
"You can't ditch your girlfriend to come to this wretched room in this wretched hospital. People don't do that."
"I'm not people."
"Myungsoo," He puts down his tablet; "Go out there and live your life. Be a photographer. Have an exhibit of poop pictures. People like modern art. Just don't come here."
"I am living my life. Even without the photography thing."
"No, you're wasting it! Especially by coming here! I dream at nights how I get out of this place, and finish school, or get a job! And you have all this, and a beautiful girl on top of it, and you come here instead- I- " He grips into his sheets as the searing pain expends in his chest.
It seems like the new medication they started giving him a month ago is making him worse instead of better.
"I thought you wanted to die peacefully. What happened? Did you have a change of heart or something? So much drama, jeez."
He tries to say something, but there's a rush coming up his throat, and then the feeling of his throat getting squeezed.
Myungsoo thinks he's joking for another 15 seconds, then furrows his eyebrows and presses the button to call the doctor.
.
The doctor tells Myungsoo that even though Sungyeol got his nose prong out, he's still very weak and prone to have attacks if he gets too excited. He also tells him that it would be better for him to leave, although he uses a much more gentle phrasing.
Myungsoo does leaves.
He doesn't come back for another four days, and in those four days, Sungyeol condition worsens.
He tries to write Myungsoo letters to keep himself busy, but in some point, he can't even hold the pen correctly, and he has to rasp to the nurse to take the pen out of his hand and tuck his things away.
They put back the damn nose-prong, and also put him on an IV treatment.
Sungyeol hates the IV therapy more than any other kind of therapy; as long as the needle is stuck to his arm, he can't even pee properly. Instead of pumping the life into him, the thing feels like it's sucking it out through his vein.
Sungyeol wishes that Myungsoo won't come anymore. He doesn't want Myungsoo to see him like that.
When he finally comes, Sungyeol is trying to fall asleep after he refused his lunch. He peeks into the room like a complete idiot, and when he sees he's awake and staring at him, immediately draws back and hits the door in the process.
Sungyeol waits for another minute or so for him to come in, but he doesn't.
"I didn't go blind, yet, if that's what you're hoping for. I saw you." He tells the door.
There's a scuffle, then he enters really slowly, looking kind of sheepish; "I was hoping you'd take me for a delusion or something." He hesitates, then puts the bag on the chair. "How are you?"
"Can't you see how great I'm doing?" He glances at the IV, then sighs; "It'd be nice to talk to someone, even if it's delusion." Sungyeol presses some button on his bed, and it lifts him up to a better angle.
It takes it terribly slow to do so, and it also produces weird sounds, so when it finally stops, he and Myungsoo snort at the same time.
"So, why won't your other friends come?"
Sungyeol shrugs.
"Don't answer that, you have a horrible personality, and that explains that."
Sungyeol frowns; "You think my personality is bad? You should listen to yourself talk."
Myungsoo chuckles, and finally sits down; "Sorry I didn't come earlier-"
"I used to have tons of friends. At school. I was in a different hospital back then, and the room was filled with their get-better cards and what-not. There would be a big enough crowd to make the doctor come in the room and ask them to leave every five seconds. Even girls. Classmates I didn't know the name of. And they came all the time, until they didn't. Exam period, then holidays, at some point I started to annoy them with my texts, so one of them sent me a; 'why don't you die already?'" Sungyeol snorts; "That's why I don't have friends."
"That's cruel."
"Life is cruel."
Myungsoo bites his lip, then moves to sit on his bed; "I'm not going anywhere."
"Pfft, you won't have to wait long now. I'm going to drop dead any second." He coughs painfully and tries to adjust his position on the bed.
It hurts to breath like that, but he doesn't want to look ill. He really missed Myungsoo.
"Don't say that." The expression on his face turns soft suddenly. "I don't have any other friends either. I understood that when none of them wanted to testimony in my favor for the drug trail. I still wonder if they were bribed to do so or were just afraid to go against my roommate."
"If I were you, I'd go and try out drugs just to spite everybody."
Myungsoo laughs, then seems to have remembered something; "I applied to a college. Another one. I'm going to need to cram for a few weeks for the exam, but I think it'll be okay."
"That sounds... really good." He nods faintly, then tries to sit up, but can't. He's really happy for him. "But what about photography?"
Myungsoo looks really concerned; "Should I call the nurse?"
Sungyeol shakes his head; "I'm fine."
"The nurse said you're not allowed visitors because your condition is bad."
"Really? How did you get in, then?"
"I used my charming personality," Myungsoo jokes.
Sungyeol wants to laugh, but something hoarse comes out.
"I'm going to get the nurse, alright?"
He catches his hand before he can leave. "No, stay. For a bit. I..."
The room starts to get foggy. He intertwines his fingers with Myungsoo's. He wonders if the nurse poured him some sedative into the IV so he'll fall asleep faster. Probably. She was messing with it earlier.
"Hey, Myungsoo?" He doesn't want to fall asleep, because he feels like Myungsoo might not come again if he does.
"What is it?" He answers.
"Could you promise me something."
"Just don't die on me. Have the decency to do that when I'm not here."
"I'll try," He laughs; "But you'll have to try to go and become a photographer."
"I'm not taking photos of my poop. No matter how popular modern art is. I'm going to end up in the same room with Mr. Jang, if I do."
Sungyeol laughs some more. His eyes slip closed.
Myungsoo thumb caresses his hand.
"Could you give me a goodbye kiss?"
He's pretty sure he didn't say it out loud. Kind of embarrassing to ask for such a thing. It's probably the drug talking out of him.
Maybe Myungsoo left to call the nurse, or maybe he already fall asleep.
He's pretty sure he dreams about getting that kiss.
.
When he wakes up, Myungsoo isn't in the room.
He doesn't come by for the next week, which is by far the longest time he didn't visit him in months.
When another week passes, he understands he's not going to return.
He vows to get better after that, though he's not sure why.
Maybe Myungsoo wasn't even real and he imagined him.
He writes him one last letter.
It turns out longer than the rest of them, but he clearly gets the message across. Finally.
He likes him.
Maybe a little more than how you should like a friend.
... ... ...
For two days straight Myungsoo refuses showing his face in the hospital, so he sits in his apartment and misses Sungyeol.
He decides to confides in his girlfriend; she could tell he's behaving weirdly because she has that weird sixth-sense that girls have.
So he tells her. He tells her Sungyeol asked him to kiss him goodbye.
She dislikes Sungyeol although she never met him, because he can't really stop talking about him. He knows he's annoying, but he wants to tell everybody about Sungyeol.
He feels like one of those proud moms that walks around with a picture of her kid and shows it to people even when they don't ask.
So, because she didn't have a high opinion of him before, when he blurts it out, she looks disapproving.
"And? Did you?"
"Yeah."
She shrugs; "Well, at least now you won't have to go there anymore."
"Why not... Wait, Are you really okay with this?"
"Why shouldn't I be okay with it? If one kiss on the cheek is going to make you stop going there all the time-" She immediately knows by the expression on his face, though; "It wasn't on the cheek, was it?" She stands up abruptly, and takes her bag.
When he tries to explain it to her, he gets a slapped.
Oh well.
.
On the cheek.
He feels stupid the more he thinks of it.
Why didn't he think of that?
Sungyeol probably didn't mean a kiss on the lips either. Because they're friends. Friends don't kiss on the mouth.
The thought drove him insane. What was he thinking?
He could've just kissed him on the cheek but it didn't even occurred to him. It made much more sense to kiss him on the lips.
Sungyeol probably thinks he's an idiot, and it's embarrassing and he feels like burying himself somewhere.
He can't go to the hospital, so he excuses himself by cramming for the exam. It's really distracting, and makes him focus on something else besides obsessing about whether or not he goes to the hospital and faces him.
Yet most often than not, he spaces out thinking about Sungyeol. He wonders if he's still connected to the IV.
He looked pale and drowsy when he last visited, but the nurse promised him she just gave him sedative and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. "In fact," she said that day after she came into the room to check up if he already fall asleep, and caught Myungsoo with his cheeks burning red and his hand clutched tightly to Sungyeol's; "Things are looking up for him. His body is very welcoming to the new medications. It always gets a little worse before it gets better, he might be able to battle it out."
Myungsoo really hoped he fall asleep before he felt him kiss his lips.
Once he's done with the exam, he buys a set of colorful, ugly Christmas socks and comes to the hospital.
It's already winter, and Sungyeol is probably not wearing socks on his pale, fragile legs. Besides, it would make a good apology gift, along with a Christmas gift.
It's like killing two birds in one stone.
He could say he has elapses of insanity, he decides before he opens the door.
Only, the room is dark, and when he opens the light, there's nothing there beside an empty, freshly made bed. He immediately goes to the nurse station.
He's not familiar with any of the staff working that day, and one of the nurses just tells him that he was probably relocated to another ward. When Myungsoo asks her if she could check where, she checks on the computer, then says that she can't seem to find a patient like that in their hospital.
"I'm pretty sure he got relocated to another hospital." She assumes.
"If you find anything, could you please, um, call me, or send me a message or whatever?" He gives her his details.
She nods; "I'm going to clean the room anyway, since a new patient is coming on Friday. Maybe I'll find something in the rack."
Myungsoo hates himself for not taking Sungyeol's number. He actually isn't sure if Sungyeol had a phone.
It just felt so natural for him to always come back to the hospital. As if he's always going to be there.
Now he probably thinks he abandoned him like all his friends. This feels really silly.
Definitely a misunderstanding.
He tries going to another hospital, but the receptionist is less helpful and immediately tells him she can't give him details about the patients unless he's a relative. He tries roaming around the wards, but some nurse kicks him out.
.
He feels the lack of him only a week after that.
It's been a month since he last saw him but suddenly, it feels like eternity.
He no longer cares if Sungyeol thinks he's stupid for kissing him, he just wants to see him.
Even if he'll insult him and laugh about him being worried about nothing.
The doorbell rings one afternoon.
He gets a package.
"From the hospital." The delivery man tells him.
Christmas gift from Sungyeol?
Myungsoo examines it, then understands it's a patch of pages. He looks up at the delivery man, as if he has the answer.
"Could you please sign this?"
"What is that? Some medical papers to fill up? To me?"
The guy purses his lip to a thin line; ""A nurse asked me to get it to you because you left her your address. I usually deliver the deceased belongings to the family."
Myungsoo's eyes widen.
The man looks a little awkward standing there, so he just shrugs and leaves, giving him a small nod.
Myungsoo wants to call after him and demand him to take back what he said or at least to repeat it.
He stands there at the door for another long five minutes, then, it finally sinks in.
.
The first letter from the bunch is set almost three months ago.
He recognizes Sungyeol's handwriting before he even reads the 'Dear Myungsoo,' at the upper corner of the page.
He feels like he's inside a nightmare and it's caving in on him and he can't wake up.
He takes a sick leave from work.
He's actually sick.
The thought that there's no Sungyeol anymore makes him sick.
The possibility didn't even occurred to him, because that nurse told him he's getting better.
It takes him a while to read the letters.
Most of the time he keeps folding them back, unable to continue.
If Sungyeol would've lived, he would've made a fine author. Real heart-wrenching material right there.
When he finishes the last letter by date, he feels like he's the one dying.
What kind of a goodbye is that?
He feels like dying so he could beat up Sungyeol in the heavens for leaving him these letters.
Somebody could've called him, updated him on it, but instead they just sent him the letters as if it might console him. He could've come to the funeral.
He's not sure he'll be able to come over it.
They say time heals everything, but Myungsoo feels worse the more time passes.
He wishes he had more time. At least a little bit. At least another hour.
He regrets not coming to the hospital.
He regrets not visiting him more. He should've just put a small tent in the room and lived there.
What was he thinking not coming a whole month?
He regrets that he didn't met him earlier and didn't make him happy, at least for a while.
And he really wants to make him happy. Because Sungyeol deserves that.
Sungyeol deserves everything.
It hurts so bad. Worse than any physical pain he ever felt.
He spends his Christmas rereading the letters, because he thinks that way, he can be with Sungyeol in Christmas.
The more he reads them, laughing at the silly remarks, he realizes, between the messy handwriting and the quirky sentences, that he never actually liked someone to this extent.
He might be sugar-coating it, but frankly, Myungsoo spent more time with Sungyeol in that little room, than he did with any of his girlfriends combined. Yes, it was compulsory but it sure as hell didn't feel like it.
Sungyeol was right.
Life is cruel.
He's very much in love with a very dead Sungyeol.
Sungyeol probably would've rolled his eyes at him.
.
He decides to live for the both of them, at least for the time being.
Thinking that makes him feel like Sungyeol is still with him.
He decides not to go to college, like he planned, although he passes the entrance exam; he wouldn't have been a good engineer anyway. Instead he pursues the childhood dream about photography, while waiting tables to pay his bills.
He feels lonelier than ever.
In fact, it feels like his heart is bleeding, and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, and walks around in the apartment, trying to regulate his breathe and pretend he's okay.
Myungsoo walks around with the letters in his backpack as if they're his burden to carry.
In a way they are.
He will carry Sungyeol in his heart with him.
It's easier to think that.
In his last letter, Sungyeol keeps promising over and over that he'll get better eventually and things will be different.
Maybe he is better where he is, but Myungsoo isn't.
He's not sure if he'll ever be.
.
Three months after Christmas, and his birthday is coming up.
Myungsoo wonders when Sungyeol's birthday would be. He regrets not asking him.
It feels like he wasted a lot of time on nothing.
He barely even knows a thing about him.
They kept talking about movies or games or things on the internet. Stupid, useless things that don't matter now.
After his shifts, Myungsoo walks around aimlessly in the city, thinking it might restrain his wondering heart.
The wound still feels fresh, and Sungyeol is still vivid in his memories.
Myungsoo is scared that he'll fade in the end, become a blurry face.
He walks into a cafe, that day, and orders a light coffee.
While he waits for it, he remembers Sungyeol always liked coffee - at least the smell of it. He wasn't allowed to drink it. He would sneak him chocolates with a coffee flavor and he'd make weird throaty noises while eating them.
Someone passes by him and taps on the counter impatiently.
"Jiae, I forgot my coat! It's in the back on the hanger!"
It's probably one of the barista from the earlier shift, but what leaves Myungsoo speechless is his striking resemblance to Lee Sungyeol.
His hair is short-cut, done in fashionable hairstyle. He looks healthy, and his cheeks are plump and a little pink from the cold.
"Where is it?" Comes a reply from the girl who took his order.
"On the hanger!" He repeats. "Jiae, quickly!!! Quickly!"
He turns to his left, as if he wasn't expecting Myungsoo, and jumps in fright, putting a hand on his heart.
"Jeez, Myungsoo. What the hell are you doing here?"
"What?"
"Here's your stupid coat! Woohyun could wait another minute..." The barista hands him back his coat and Myungsoo his coffee. "Sorry for your the wait!"
He wears it and glances at Myungsoo, then clears his throat.
"Well, it was nice meeting you." He pats Myungsoo's shoulder once, then waves at Jiae and is about to leave.
"I thought you were dead."
"What?" Sungyeol starts to laugh, but doesn't turn to him and keeps on walking. "I didn't look that bad in the hospital, did I?"
"You did but- I got your letters right before Christmas and I was sure you died because-"
Sungyeol rubs his head at the mention of the letters and looks uncomfortable.
"Sorry about that." He leaves.
Myungsoo follows him outside and tugs onto his sleeve and stands in front of him so he won't take another step further. "How are you even alive?" He says it before he can think of something else to say.
It's really hard to speak.
He's even more beautiful from how he remembered him. He had the urge to take off his shoes and check if his feet are still pale and fragile just to make sure it's really him.
He shrugs. "I got another treatment - in a different facility. It was a bit pricy, but at least now I can walk about without dying. I have to swallow a bunch of pills for that, though. To maintain it. And I need to work because my mom loaned money- Not that it's any of your business."
Myungsoo understands he's angry with him because of something, but it's like a wave of relief washes over him and enfolds him in this tingling warmth. Sungyeol is alive, and safe, and normal, and works as a barista out of all things in the world, and he just wants to hug him and never let go again.
Sungyeol jerks his sleeve out of his hand, and circles him.
"I'm sorry." He says when he catches up to him; "It's just a bit of a shock, but it doesn't matter. Because you're alive and-"
"Look, man, I'll appreciate if you'll just leave me alone. If you read my letters, then you probably know now. It took me a load of time to get over you - in fact, I'm still in the process of doing so. If you could just leave and let me go about my merry way, it'd be great."
"You see, you don't need to get over me, because I'm-"
"Myungsoo, you left me there, and didn't return."
"I did return, but you weren't there and nobody knew where you are! Then I also got these letters and I thought you're dead!"
"My mom must have overlooked it when she packed my stuff or something. I wondered where they went, actually. I'm sorry, they were never meant to get sent to you. In fact, I should've burned them when I had the chance."
"Then what, you didn't mean anything you wrote?"
He looks insulted when Myungsoo says that and probes his hand into his chest.
"What do you think? I sat around and imagined nice scenarios where I showed my vulnerable side to you so you could just leave and never come back? I went through excessive questionable treatment and now I have to swallow meds every other hour so it won't come back just because I swore to myself that I'm never going to open up to someone like I opened up to you-"
"Sungyeol, can you just let me talk?!"
"No." He turns to leave again.
Myungsoo catches him by the coat. "Can I at least have your phone number or something?"
Sungyeol stops walking and looks like he's about to punch him.
"I didn't know you were in love with me! You could've told me!" Myungsoo reasons immediately.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I needed to buy a neon sign that said that. And I didn't need you to know anything. I just needed a friend!"
"Could you just listen to me for a second?"
"Look, I understand. You have your life and I was just some sick kid you visited, so let's just forget about the whole thing-"
"No. I can't forget it. I spent so much time mourning you, and now I can finally," He takes a long inhale. "I can finally be with you. I guess I just couldn't wrap my head around with being with another man, and I just needed time."
Sungyeol looks really uncomfortable. He looks down, then back at him.
His eyes glint with emotions; "It's too late now."
"What do you mean too late?"
"I mean that it's too late. You didn't really expect me to sit and wait for you, did you? You never returned."
"I didn't come for three weeks! I thought it will give you time to cool off after I kissed you-"
Sungyeol looks so shocked when he hears it; "You did what?"
Myungsoo doesn't know what to say for the longest time, but he doesn't have to because somebody barges into their conversation.
"Sungyeol, seriously. You promised it'll take you a moment."
He's not very tall, but he looks really charismatic. He immediately puts his hand on Sungyeol's shoulder. "Who's this?" He asks. "A friend?"
Sungyeol looks like he didn't recovered yet from the argument, staring at him with his wide eyes. "Something like that." He clears his throat. "Um, Woohyun, this is Myungsoo. He used to visit me when I was at the hospital."
"Jerk Kim Myungsoo?" Woohyun asks as if that's how Sungyeol refers to him.
Myungsoo opens his mouth to bite something back, but Sungyeol continues with the introductions; "Myungsoo... This is Woohyun, my boyfriend."
************
The transition to Myungsoo's POV kinda failed
BASICALLY, WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY IS THAT I'M NOT GOOD AT ANGST
NEVER AGAIN
OKAY
Gigantic, enormous thanks to my prompt-giver ilovesungyeollie
She also wants to write a sequel to this, so be sure to hop in to her account for it.
Also, special thanks to mingsuu who made me happy.
Check her fics out, she's brilliant!!!!
And last but not least:
"Jerk Kim Myungsoo?"