Scintilla for bluedreaming
For: bluedreaming
Title: Scintilla
Pairing(s): Chanyeol/Sehun, slight!Kai/D.O
Rating: PG-13
Length: 7.7k
Summary: Chanyeol doesn't know what changed.
Author's note: Thank you E for reading it through and making sure it's decent enough.
Love used to feel amazing; it used to feel like the sun setting over the horizon, bringing the orange of the skies with it. It used to feel like having the starlight shining down upon you and there’s warmth even as the wind blows at your skin. Love used to feel like going for a skydive - it’s terrifying, the fear is real and you don’t know if you’re going to survive the pain, but it also feels great in the way that you’re laughing through your fears because you know you’re going to make it after all. It’s great because even though you’re afraid, even though it’s terrifying, you know someone’s going to catch you.
It used to be all those, until it becomes too dull that it’s almost… painful. It’s painful in the way you keep trying to believe that nothing is changing, but at the same time you crave that change because it’s no longer exciting. You need that excitement of jumping off that cliff again and you want to do it with the same person who’s made you feel that way before, but you’re scared it would be with someone else. You’re scared that the person you’ve spent half of your life with might not want you the same anymore.
Chanyeol feels it burning under his skin, scorching his flesh and bones like wildfire. His time awake are spent worrying over something left unsaid, words no longer of use when it comes to his relationship. He falls asleep every night to the sound of Sehun’s soft snoring and wakes up every morning to the sizzling sounds of Sehun preparing breakfast. There hasn’t been many words exchanged. They haven’t said anything longer than a sentence. It’s changing, and Chanyeol feels it in his bones.
Chanyeol is afraid. Chanyeol is terrified. But he doesn’t show it.
He is quiet as he walks alongside his best friends from college, one of them being his colleague. Jongin and Kyungsoo’s hands are clasped as they walked next to the silent giant, whose own pair of hands are hidden in the pockets of his jacket. It has been a long day in the office and exhaustion hangs heavy on his shoulders, providing a comment here and there and laughing along at whatever Kyungsoo jokes about. Most of the time, Chanyeol only watches the way Jongin gazes at Kyungsoo whenever the oldest speaks and he reads something familiar in Jongin’s chocolate eyes. Kyungsoo returns those looks, with equal amount of adoration and love and fondness. His heart is heavy. Sehun hasn’t looked at Chanyeol that way for a while and Chanyeol fears that his nightmares are becoming a reality.
“Chanyeol, we’re going for a little drink.” Kyungsoo interrupts his train of thoughts and Chanyeol forces a smile on his lips. He doesn’t miss the way Jongin pulls Kyungsoo closer to him. “Wanna come with?”
The word that first comes up to his mind was a yes. Yes, he does want to go with them for a drink because he needs a drink to calm his nerves and his thoughts. There is a voice at the back of his head, however, a reminder that Sehun hates it whenever Chanyeol drinks, even if it was just an innocent sip. Chanyeol loves Sehun and he never wants the younger to be upset, especially not now. Sighing and pursing his lips, Chanyeol flashes his two friends an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry but I’ll pass.”
At that same moment, there is a blaring of a phone ringing and Jongin excuses himself to answer the call. Chanyeol watches as his friend walks off to a distance, out of earshot, brought back to attention when he feels Kyungsoo’s fingers circling his wrist. He raises his brows in question and there is concern etched on Kyungsoo’s forehead as he frowns up at the taller. “Chanyeol, are you really okay?”
It’s these kinds of questions that has Chanyeol thinking; is he really okay? Will he ever be okay? He doesn’t know the answers to them and for a moment, his heart pounds against his chest because he can’t lie to Kyungsoo, has never lied to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol purses his lips again and nods his head, using his elbow to nudge at Kyungsoo’s in the way he usually does whenever he tries to assure the older. “Yeah, I’m okay, Soo. Thanks for asking. You know I’ll manage.”
Kyungsoo’s frown only deepens and his lips parted to speak but Jongin’s already done with the phone call and Kyungsoo smiles
as his boyfriend’s fingers laced with his once again. Jongin gives Chanyeol’s shoulder a playful punch, “You sure you don’t wanna come with us?”
“Yes, I’m sure. You know how Sehun is.” Chanyeol chuckles.
The frown on Jongin’s forehead is very much similar to Kyungsoo’s and Chanyeol wonders if spending so many years together made them one person. He wonders if they see it in him and Sehun, wonders if they noticed the way Sehun never hold onto his hand anymore. Jongin’s voice is soft, but Chanyeol’s sure Kyungsoo hears him too. “Why is it that he couldn’t accept you for who you are?”
Chanyeol blinks, caught off-guard and there is a sense of defend rising up his throat. He frowns and shakes his head. “What are you talking about? Of course he accepts me for who I am. Why would he stay with me for so long if he couldn’t accept me?”
“Maybe that’s why you’re different now.” Jongin says, voice a little angry and Chanyeol is thankful that Kyungsoo is here to stop them from doing something not worthy of their time.
Kyungsoo places a hand over Jongin’s chest as a gesture to stop him from upsetting Chanyeol even further, smiling apologetically at the tallest. “That’s enough. It’s fine, Chanyeol. We’ll go ahead without you, okay? You have a safe trip home and say goodnight to Sehun for me.”
The eye contact he keeps with Jongin falters when Jongin’s gaze drops, muttering a quiet apology that Chanyeol quickly forgets. His head is spinning with the words Jongin had said and he refuses to let it sink, refuses to believe that loving Sehun has changed him and that he wasn’t aware of how Jongin and Kyungsoo have noticed. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Chanyeol nods his head and bid them goodbye, turning on his heels and not sparing a glance back as he flags for a cab.
The house is dark and silent when he reaches home but Chanyeol knows, even before he steps into the home he’s lived in for the past five years, that Sehun is inside. It’s quiet, but Chanyeol feels him.
Sehun used to greet Chanyeol whenever he comes home from work, crescent eyes forming and the edges of his lips curved into the smile Chanyeol fell in love with many years ago. He used to prepare dinner that Chanyeol would come home to; breathing in the delicious scent of Korean dish that he never gets tired of. Sehun used to wrap his arms around Chanyeol’s torso, peck his lips before he would pull the taller to the dining table to have dinner together. Sehun used to, but he no longer does.
He figures that it’s okay; Sehun still prepares breakfast in the morning even if he doesn’t join Chanyeol anymore. He still makes the best set of bacon and eggs, still makes the richest coffee the way Chanyeol likes it and he guesses it’s okay because Sehun still remembers what he likes. Jongin was wrong; Sehun does accept him for who he is. Sehun loves him, or so he would like to believe. It’s difficult, however, because there are no words or actions to show that Sehun still does.
It’s another long day of work that Chanyeol wakes up to at seven in the morning, groaning awake and stretching sleep off his form. He takes a while to register the familiar, dull white of his ceiling, already used to the emptiness of the space next to him. Chanyeol doesn’t remember when Sehun stops waking him up with kisses and he figures it has been quite a while, long enough for him to get used to. Sighing, Chanyeol gets up to take a quick shower, leaving the bathroom shivering from cold.
His boyfriend is in the kitchen, perched at the counter and staring out the window the way he usually does every morning. Sehun holds his mug close to his lips and Chanyeol smiles because no matter how far they have drifted, it’s still Sehun and Chanyeol has never loved anything more than he loves Sehun. The same set of bacon and eggs is already prepared on the table but Chanyeol abandons it in favour of walking up to his lover, long arms wrapping around Sehun from behind as his lips meet the skin of Sehun’s cheek. Sehun used to smile and return the kiss, but since their drift, he barely responds. It startles Chanyeol when Sehun pulls away this time to wash his empty mug. Chanyeol hears him mutter a quiet apology, for what Chanyeol doesn’t know.
The same weight begins to grow in Chanyeol’s chest, heart heavy and pounding with fear of something he doesn’t want to come true. He contemplates on pulling Sehun to face him so they could talk; it’s the one thing they haven’t done for weeks except for the small talks on how their days went. He knows they need to talk, that this cannot go on forever but he’s afraid that it wouldn’t end nicely. Chanyeol is afraid, and he decides that this could go on for another day. He swallows the lump in his throat and disregards Sehun’s coldness, proceeding to have his breakfast.
He doesn’t finish it this time and he’s putting on his shoes when Sehun appears from their room, clad in a grey hoodie and his old pair of jeans. There’s a small smile on his lips when his eyes meet Chanyeol’s, and the older’s heart skips a beat because he hasn’t seen it for so long. “I’m going to be out the whole day and will probably be back very late. Don’t wait for me.”
“Alright, take care.” Chanyeol whispers but knows that Sehun has heard him, smiling again when the younger leans down slightly to press a chaste kiss onto his lips. Their eyes meet again for a brief moment, and Chanyeol uses this opportunity
to say it. “I love you, Sehun.”
Sehun pauses but the twitch at the corner of his lips releases the tightness in Chanyeol’s chest. Sehun mutters back silently but Chanyeol hears him anyway. “Love you too, Yeol.”
The younger doesn’t glance back but Chanyeol’s smile doesn’t falter even as he settles at work.
Chanyeol couldn’t remember what went wrong between them. He couldn’t recall exactly when that Sehun started to drift away. Could it be that he’s bored of this relationship? Of being with the same person for years without actually moving forward? He knows somehow that it’s his fault; for not taking the next step and for making them stay the same for the past six years. But would Sehun say ‘yes’ now that he’s almost gone? Would he smile and blink back happy tears or frown and let guilty tears fall? Chanyeol’s too afraid to find out; too afraid to shed his own tears.
He knows deep in his heart that he loves Sehun; will always be in love with Sehun. But his weakness comes to the part about moving forward, taking chances and risks, content at just staying the same way. He must have not known Sehun well enough to learn that Sehun is different; Sehun likes moving and trying new things. Sehun isn’t like him. In a way, they complement each other well, but Chanyeol seems to have failed sacrificing a little bit of what he doesn’t like for the sake of his boyfriend.
He just doesn’t know if he’s too late.
A movement to his right brings Chanyeol out of his reverie, startling as he once again focuses on the work he was supposed to get done by the end of today. He looks over to see that it’s Jongin, who flashes him a smile and a nod that he returns. He doesn’t really know how to go about with Jongin; he knows Jongin doesn’t really approve of his relationship with Sehun as of late. Jongin seems to know what’s really happening behind closed doors, but Chanyeol guesses he can’t really blame Jongin for being able to; they’ve been friends longer than Chanyeol knows Sehun.
“Hey, hyung.” Jongin breaks the silence first and he waits until Chanyeol hums to continue. “How are you and Sehun doing these days?”
Although he has kind of expected Jongin to ask, it doesn’t stop Chanyeol from tensing just a little bit at the question. He quickly collects himself, however, eyes never leaving his work computer. “We’re okay, I guess. Why did you ask, Jongin?”
From the corner of his eyes, Chanyeol could see Jongin shrugging a shoulder. “Are you sure?”
Chanyeol holds his breath for a second before flashing Jongin a small smile and a nod. “Of course.”
He doesn’t look at Jongin after that and he doesn’t spare him a glance until Jongin sighs and leaves his table. He feels bad for brushing his best friend off like that, but Chanyeol doesn’t want Jongin to worry and he doesn’t want Jongin to hate Sehun for a mistake Chanyeol himself made. He wants to believe that his relationship with Sehun is still salvageable, that if he talks it out properly, they would go back to the way they were. He doesn’t want anything to change, doesn’t want to let go of Sehun.
But wouldn’t that make him the same? Wouldn’t that make him a coward, for being afraid to accept change, afraid to take risks to better their relationship?
He swallows the sudden lump in his throat, realizes that he’s been staring at the screen of his computer for so long without getting anything done. He knows he would have to talk to Sehun soon but he would worry about that later. There is also a dull headache forming in his head, and he winces before he tries to shake it off as if it would go away, focusing again on the work he had to do. He’ll deal with his personal matters later; if he doesn’t get this done, Chanyeol might also lose his job.
The house is, as always, dark and empty. He knows Sehun isn’t home this time and that’s only because the younger had told him earlier that he would be out late. Chanyeol tries to keep his thoughts positive; that Sehun did tell him instead of going silently, but he couldn’t help but feel slightly heavy-hearted that Sehun hadn’t told him where he had gone to or who he would be with. Sehun used to tell him all the little details, even if he didn’t ask. He’d sometimes take a break from his work to see a message of Sehun telling him he’d gone to see his dad in the outskirts of town.
Sehun doesn’t tell him anything anymore.
He brushes the thought away as he closes the front door, turning on the lights to brighten the house a little. It’s been so dull these few days; Sehun usually leaves it off when he hides in the room. The lights brightened the living room and Chanyeol smiles at the change, heading straight to the bathroom to get a quick shower. He leaves the bathroom with only a pair of boxers and a simple tee, ignoring the cold of night because he much prefers it than the heat. He’s glad he’d grabbed something to eat on the way home as he checks the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers to be placed in the fridge. There weren’t any and after making sure everything is in place, Chanyeol settles on the couch with intention to wait for Sehun’s return, TV turned on and lights off for a more comfortable feel.
The shower had been refreshing and Chanyeol lounges on the couch with the remote control in hand and some animal documentary playing on TV. He doesn’t know how long exactly he’s sat there watching how amazing elephants could be and how strong tigers are; he’d sat through two documentaries and Sehun still isn’t back. It’s when he turns to check the wall clock that he catches sight of the framed photos on the wall and some on the coffee table. He barely notes the time reading almost eleven at night because now his mind is bring him someplace else. Someplace better; a memory of the times he hears Sehun’s laughter than watches his back turned on Chanyeol.
Memory of the times Sehun used to smile up at him and never forgets to kiss him on his lips.
Memory of the time they first said the three important words.
It’s almost funny how it could easily lose its meaning.
It happens a year after Chanyeol asked Sehun out for a movie. They’ve gone through twelve months of staying over each other’s places, holding hands when going out, laughing and just having fun, no worries or fear weighing them down. Chanyeol had never felt so free and happy like he was during the times he had spent with Sehun. So when it marks their first year, Chanyeol decides it’s the perfect time to say it. He was more than sure about his feelings but he made sure to talk to Kyungsoo and Jongin first before he proceeded. After all, even though they weren’t love experts, they are his closest friends. Sehun was worth the risk, even though Chanyeol had never been one to take them.
He brought Sehun out for another movie, thought it would be great to do the first thing that they had done together. It was some lame action movie that they both laughed about after and Chanyeol remembered being so happy, almost overjoyed. Sehun had always been able to make him laugh easily, make him forget about pain and stress and everything else that Chanyeol hated. Sehun was the one. Chanyeol knew it the moment he smiled just as soon as Sehun smiled at him, even though he had just been failed his biggest class test. He still knows Sehun is the one.
Chanyeol remembered going from overjoyed to extremely nervous as he walked Sehun home. They were young but not too young, and even though he was sure he was ready, he wasn’t ready to face rejection. He had never stuttered so much in his life but one look into Sehun’s eyes boosted his confidence and then he know that it was then or never. So he took Sehun’s hands just as they reached Sehun’s driveway, kissed the back of them before he looked into Sehun’s calm eyes.
“I love you,” He said, finally, and there was a gasp that left Sehun’s lips upon his confession and when his eyes lighted up, Chanyeol knew there was no room for the pain of rejection.
Sehun wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and they kissed. They kissed until they’re out of breath and Sehun was a little teary-eyed and then Chanyeol finally knows how it felt like to hear those words from someone’s mouth, said to him. Sehun’s voice was a whisper when he spoke, but it triggered the happy tears that lingered in Chanyeol’s eyes. “I love you, too, Park Chanyeol.”
He couldn’t really remember if he had ever been as happy as he was then but he remembered that it had been one of his happiest days, one that he could never forget. Chanyeol cherished what he had with Sehun, vowed to love and never stop, but somewhere along the way he must have done something wrong. Because suddenly Sehun’s smile grew smaller and smaller until he no longer smiles, and Chanyeol could count the number of times Sehun had said the three words to him.
Something had obviously change. Chanyeol just doesn’t know what had.
He’s woken up from sleep by a soft shake to his shoulder and he takes a moment to register the fact that he’s awake. He frowns up to see who had woken him but relaxes when he sees that it is Sehun who’s hovering just slightly above him, a hand on his shoulder. There’s a twitch at the corner of his lips and he smiles when Sehun asks him to sleep in the room. He takes the chance to pull Sehun along, figures that he might not get this chance a lot. So he wraps his fingers around Sehun’s wrist after he got onto his feet before he pulls the younger boy to the room. Fortunately, Sehun doesn’t protest and Chanyeol pulls him to bed with him before he turns off the lights.
He knows they needed to talk, but it could wait.
Chanyeol just wants to hold Sehun again.
Chanyeol thinks it’s time they go for a date; it had been awhile since their last. A movie would be too pointless if they were going to just watch something on the big screen with little communication. He wants to tell Sehun about a lot of things and he wants Sehun to do the same. Perhaps it would patch things up between them and they’d go back to how they used to be and then Chanyeol would make sure he would use his second chance well, not make the same mistakes again. Sehun is too precious to him; it would break him completely if he ever loses the love of his life. He couldn’t risk it.
He wakes up with a smile and speaks up while they finish up their breakfast. “So, Sehun, I was thinking we should go out for dinner tonight. Been awhile since we last did, don’t you think?”
Sehun raises his brows questioningly but there’s that familiar smile on his lips that made Chanyeol’s heart skip a beat. Sehun chuckles, the sound something Chanyeol misses. “Like, a dinner date?”
Nodding, Chanyeol swallows the last piece of bacon he had been chewing, smile quickly turning into a grin. Sehun chuckling is definitely a good sign. “Yeah, like a dinner date. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy these days. Work is piling up in the office. But since I’m free today, would you like to?”
The younger was silent for a few minutes but Chanyeol doesn’t push it. He watches with a heavy heart, grin fading away, as Sehun silently gets up to wash both their plates. Chanyeol swallows the sigh that threatened to leave his lips and waits until Sehun turns around again. For the second time this week, their eyes meet and Chanyeol holds it before he loses this chance. But then Sehun nods and Chanyeol blinks, not daring to believe what he was seeing. Sehun chuckles again then, throws a rag towards Chanyeol to snap him out of it. “I said yes, I’d like to go for dinner outside tonight.”
The grin that forms on Chanyeol’s lips is immediate and he quickly gets onto his feet to rush over to Sehun, not hesitating as he leans down to kiss the younger on the lips. It feels so good Chanyeol almost cried but he’s smiling too much to shed a tear. It seems almost too good to be true but Sehun’s smiling a lot more than he has for the past couple of weeks and he lets Chanyeol kiss him more than twice. He even lets Chanyeol tickle him when they sit down for a show in the living room, lets Chanyeol pull him to bed to make love after so long. Chanyeol misses it and he wishes it would last.
By the time dinner comes, it feels almost as if they were back to how they had always been before the drift. Sehun’s laughing again as they held hands and the little drive to the restaurant was filled with good things and happy talk. Chanyeol doesn’t bring up anything about the obvious change, even though he knows he would have too sooner or later. It is just that it’s too good to let go. He isn’t ready for the night to be over; he wants it to last forever. He’s afraid tomorrow he would wake up the same as yesterday. Chanyeol wants to keep this side of Sehun, the smiling, happy Sehun who time and again leans up to whisper into Chanyeol’s ear something random that would make both smile.
Sehun tells him that he had been going back to his father’s place a lot these days because the old man’s unwell and Chanyeol promises that the next off day he gets, he’d bring Sehun to see his father. Sehun smiles just a little wider at that. He, in turn, tells Sehun about the work that’s piling up on his desk at work, apologizes for not being home a lot these few days. He also tells Sehun about Jongin and Kyungsoo, tells him with a laugh that they have been wondering about Sehun as well. The dinner goes well so far, but Chanyeol doesn’t want to get his hopes up for something more.
Like they said, good things weren’t made to last.
Perhaps he shouldn’t have said what he had, but Chanyeol couldn’t keep it in. He had to say it because it is the truth and what wrong has he done for being honest? For a moment, Chanyeol couldn’t make sense of things. His voice is silent when he speaks, but Sehun hears him. “I miss you.”
It doesn’t make sense for what he said to upset Sehun, because as soon as he did, the smile on Sehun’s lips disappeared and the younger male falls silent. The seconds turned into minutes before Sehun gets up and walks away. Chanyeol is suddenly angry; is it wrong to say that he misses his boyfriend? Is it such a terrible thing to do to tell his boyfriend that they have drifted so far, enough for him to miss Sehun even though they still sleep on the same bed? He follows Sehun out and drives them home.
His anger only subsides when he realizes that perhaps, Sehun doesn’t feel the same anymore. He guesses it’s time to talk. He couldn’t let it pass this time. So as soon as he closes the front door of their house, Chanyeol follows Sehun into the room. Maybe he shouldn’t speak when angry, but Chanyeol couldn’t live anymore pretending everything is okay. The next time Jongin or Kyungsoo asks and he lies, their friendship would then be at stake. He couldn’t lose them too.
“What happened to us, Sehun?” Chanyeol begins, breathing heavy.
Sehun scoffs, running fingers through his black hair, a bitter smile on his lips and voice a notch higher. “You’re asking me? How about you ask yourself, Chanyeol? What the hell happened to us?”
A frown forms on Chanyeol’s forehead, confused and growing a little bit angrier. “Why are you asking me? Why are you asking me when you’re the one who’s changed? You’re not the same person I met, Sehun. You’ve changed. I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“Anyone would change if they’re with you, Chanyeol.” Sehun snaps, and it stings Chanyeol speechless. Sehun doesn’t blink as he continues. “You’re so good with your words, to make up for the time you were physically absent. Did you think they’re enough? Did you think that telling me you love me and you won’t ever leave me while you’re half asleep is enough to make up for the time that you weren’t here? Did you know about the times that I needed you home to hold me because I need you, because my mom is gone and I didn’t get to say goodbye? Did you read any of my messages then? You came home that day telling me I should go on my own because you have work to finish as if I just lost a pet. I lost my mother, Chanyeol. You let me go alone. And that’s not the only thing.”
The words are slowly sinking in and Chanyeol suddenly remembers about the times that he had neglected Sehun. Guilt and regret fills him but there is nothing he could do or say to change it. He wishes he had done differently, taken time off work to accompany Sehun when he needed him. But where had he been then? Holed up in his office to get his proposal done. Chanyeol mentally curses himself, but he could only watch as tears stream down Sehun’s face. He wipes them off hastily and Chanyeol moves to pull him into his arms but he stops Chanyeol from coming any closer.
“You were never here for me, Chanyeol.” Sehun sniffles, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe at his cheeks, shaking his head. “Every time I needed someone, I had to call Baekhyun to make sure he’s free for me, which isn’t fair because he has his own problems to deal with, his own boyfriend to care for. Even my best friend had to choose between his boyfriend and me to see who he’d have to ditch, Chanyeol. How do you think that would make me feel? Every time I need a shoulder to lean on, you weren’t here and I had to go through another shitty phase of knowing my own best friend needs to consider if I’m worth his time. How do you think I’d feel? To have no one to lean on?”
Chanyeol stays silent as Sehun continues to speak, his own heart breaking for hurting the boy he had never had the intention to hurt. He had always thought his fault in it was that he had never had the faith to take a step forward, that Sehun wants a change when everything happened because Chanyeol has never been there for the person who needed him the most. He doesn’t know how he could ever make up for his mistakes and there is fear in his chest that this might be the end. Sehun doesn’t say anything more after that as he sniffles again and disappears into the bathroom. And it is only when Chanyeol’s ready for bed that Sehun comes back out. They lay on the same bed, back facing each other and there are miles in between them, weighing so heavy Chanyeol almost suffocates.
It is the loud banging sounds coming from the kitchen that woke Chanyeol up from his sleep. A little panicked, he rushes up to get to the kitchen, finding Sehun preparing breakfast. He stays silent where he stands, uncertain if he should walk up to the younger boy after their argument last night. He watches with concern as Sehun moves almost angrily, dropping plates on the ground and the chopping board that almost landed on his toe. Chanyeol wears a frown as he approaches to help Sehun pick up the things he had dropped, placing them carefully on the kitchen counter. Chanyeol’s heart breaks even further when he sees Sehun’s face; eyes swollen and nose red from crying.
Sehun turns away quickly to stand by the sink, hands gripping onto the edges of the counter as his shoulders heaved up and down, breathing heavily. Chanyeol dared not say anything so he stands in silence behind Sehun, guilty and angry at himself for letting all of this happen. He doesn’t know how long it goes on but Sehun eventually turns to face him and there’s a lone tear that rolls down his cheek as he speaks, lips trembling, eyes red and cheeks flushed. Chanyeol feels useless as a boyfriend.
When Sehun begins shaking his head, Chanyeol almost wishes he couldn’t hear what Sehun says next. With a sob, Sehun sniffles. “I’m tired, Chanyeol. I’m really tired. I can’t do this anymore.”
Chanyeol doesn’t want to believe that what Sehun actually meant. He doesn’t want to let go just yet, still believes they could work things out. And when Sehun doesn’t push him away, Chanyeol wraps his arms around Sehun’s shoulders and sends him to their room, tells the younger boy to get more sleep. It is very typical of Park Chanyeol to push things away like that, delay it because he’s too afraid to accept the fate he’s brought upon himself. He manages to hold back his own tears as he pulls the blanket up Sehun’s frame, only letting himself cry as he leans against the door after closing it. He had thought losing Sehun would hurt, but listening to Sehun cry hurts even more.
Maybe… Maybe he should let go.
“If it’s time, it’s time.” Jongin says as he looks away, jaw clenching after staying silent the whole time Chanyeol took to tell him and Kyungsoo everything.
Chanyeol looks up at him, at the brink of tears as he processes what Jongin had meant. Kyungsoo nudges at Jongin’s shoulder before he turns to face Chanyeol, flashing him an assuring smile as he rubs a hand down Chanyeol’s arm. “Chanyeol, I’m sure everything will work out just fine.”
“I don’t know, Soo. Everything is fucked up.” Chanyeol shakes his head, leaning back onto the couch he has been sitting on since an hour ago. He knows Jongin couldn’t tolerate behaviours like this in any relationship, which is why he tries his best with Kyungsoo so Chanyeol’s surprised Jongin didn’t kick him out of the apartment just yet. “I fucked everything up, Soo.”
Jongin sighs, getting up to sit next to Chanyeol. “Look, Chanyeol. If you are one hundred percent sure you’re still madly in love with this guy, then go and make it work. Don’t mess up again.”
So Chanyeol finds himself back home, seated next to Sehun’s sleeping form on the bed they still share. There are a lot of things going on in his head; things he wished he had done and words he wished he hadn’t said. He couldn’t help but think he’s done too much damage to fix anything. Sehun is angry and hurt and Chanyeol is too guilty to even begin of ways he could make up to his mistakes. It would be best if he gives up, let Sehun go and let him fix himself. But would that be a selfish move? Does he really still love Sehun the way he had six years ago? Could he change for the better and make Sehun happier? Chanyeol doesn’t believe it in himself. He couldn’t do it.
Releasing a deep breath, Chanyeol scoots in his bed to face Sehun, hesitantly bringing a hand up to stroke Sehun’s hair. He only realizes that Sehun hadn’t been sleeping when the younger boy tenses under his touch and from where he sits, Chanyeol could hear the soft stutter of Sehun’s breath. He couldn’t help the tears that rolled down his cheeks, too ridden in guilt that he couldn’t begin to apologize. He has kept Sehun upset for so long, should have known that he was making a mistake all this time. Chanyeol leans down to press a kiss onto Sehun’s temple, chest heavy with guilt.
“I’m so sorry, Sehun.” He whispers, knows that Sehun could hear him. “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me most, for neglecting you at your times of need. I know I should have been there, be the shoulder for you to lean on, the arms you could fall into. But I failed you… And I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could change things and make it alright again, love you the way you deserved. But I can’t. And all I can do is make it up to you, if only you would give me another chance.”
Sehun stays silent but from how his shoulders heaved, Chanyeol knows he’s crying as well. He kisses Sehun’s temple again, wraps an arm around the younger’s torso. “Please, just one more chance.”
He hopes the silence means that he would get that chance that he needs to make things alright again, but as always, Chanyeol doesn’t want to get his hopes up.
Chanyeol wakes up with a throbbing in his head, blinking through the sunlight that peeked through the curtains. He gets up slowly so as to not worsen his headache, wincing as it throbs a little once he’s fully seated. There are movements in front of him and he registers it a little too late to notice that Sehun is up and he’s throwing his clothes into a bag. Chanyeol frowns, moving a little too slowly onto his feet to stop Sehun from doing what he’s doing. Sehun snatches his arm away from Chanyeol’s grasp, going to grab a few more of his clothes and stuffing them into his bag.
“Sehun, please.” Chanyeol begins, unable to do anything but watch. “All I need is for you to give me another chance. I promise I will make things right, Sehun. We’re gonna work it out.”
Sehun shakes his head, picking up the clothes he’d dropped on the floor. “I can’t, Chanyeol. I can’t do it anymore. Please, just let me go home.”
“But I love you,” He begs, watching Sehun zip up his bag and following him out of the room. He grabs onto Sehun’s wrist again, heart racing in his chest and he doesn’t bother to wipe away the tears that trail down his cheeks. “I’m still in love with you, Sehun. I love you so much.”
The younger pauses mid-step, and Chanyeol has a second of hope that Sehun would change his mind. But then Sehun pulls his hand back and shakes his head, voice soft as he speaks. And Chanyeol has nothing else to say to stop Sehun from leaving because Sehun no longer has a reason to stay. “But I don’t, Chanyeol. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t… love you anymore.”
Still, as he watches Sehun leave the house they’d shared for the past five years, watching and listening to Sehun cry hurts the most, even more than being left behind.
He doesn’t know how long he stayed curled up in his living room until Kyungsoo finds him there and wordlessly wraps his arms around the taller’s shoulders. He cries into Kyungsoo’s chest because it’s the only thing he could do now that he’s lost his reasons. It could have been hours since Sehun left, Chanyeol doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. He’s broken all over and it hurts to even think about waking up without Sehun, figures he would rather have Sehun there not speaking to him than to not have Sehun at all. He tries to tell Kyungsoo what happened but it’s hard to speak and Kyungsoo only hushes him anyway. Everything hurts, though. Every part of him hurts.
When Kyungsoo is sure Chanyeol is a little better, he breaks the silence with an apologetic voice. “Chanyeol, before Sehun left, he came to see me. That’s why I know you’re alone here in the house. He told me you might need me here. He left you a letter, Chanyeol.”
Chanyeol frowns as he waits for Kyungsoo to take the paper out of his pocket, quickly taking it to unfold the letter. There are already folded creases on it, almost as if Sehun had written it a while ago and spent an amount of time folding and unfolding it. Chanyeol’s head hurts and he winces before he focuses on the words in Sehun’s familiar handwriting.
“Dear Chanyeol,
I forgive you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest from the beginning, enough to tell you what bothered me. But I wanted to see if you would change, if you’d come to realize that I need you and I would always need you. You asked me to give you another chance but I can’t stay anymore, Yeol. I’m tired of hurting, of waiting, until it eventually make me realize that it isn’t the same as it was six years ago. I loved you then, I really did. I just need you to know that.
Don’t come and find me. I’m going away to find myself again. I’ve given so much of myself to you that I don’t know who I am anymore. Do I belong next to you, or am I just a person you’re sharing a bed with? I don’t know, Yeol. I thought I knew where my place is and that’s to stay with you but I couldn’t find any purpose in staying. Please wish me luck in finding myself again. I would need it very much. I just want to feel wanted, needed. I want someone to be there when I’m happy but also when I’m at the verge of breaking down. I don’t have… anyone. I don’t.
I have my dad and you might think I’d have Baekhyun too, but why should I stay with someone who doesn’t need me to take his time away from his other precious ones? So I’m leaving, somewhere far away. I’ll come back when I think I can.
Please take care of yourself. Maybe, when you love again, you’ll know how to keep them happy and be there for them in their times of need.
Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I’m sorry I had to leave.
Maybe someday we’ll meet again.
With love, Sehun”
Kyungsoo holds Chanyeol for the rest of the night and doesn’t leave even when he wakes up the next morning. His head still hurts, his chest still heavy. Chanyeol misses Sehun already, but it’s easier to breathe now that he knows Sehun will be okay. Maybe someday, they would meet again.
Chanyeol watches as little Haru skips about the playground with Kyungsoo, laughing when she tricks her foster dad into thinking she was behind him. Jongin and Kyungsoo had been married for three years now, having adopted Haru in their second year of marriage and Chanyeol had stuck around to become her godfather. It’s nice to watch a child grow up in front of his eyes; it fills up the emptiness that has filled him up since his heartbreak. Spending time with Haru has helped a lot.
Jongin seats himself opposite Chanyeol in the café, both looking over Kyungsoo and Haru playing at the playground just next to the café. Jongin sips at his tea, and Chanyeol enjoys the cooling air that brushes against his skin. Time has healed his wound, and even though the scar remains, Chanyeol no longer lets pain take over his thoughts. He’s learnt to make the most of his time. He’s learnt to put his priorities right. He only wishes Sehun was here now to see his change.
The silence is broken when Chanyeol excuses himself, getting up to go to the gents. He washes his hands and face, a little tired from last night’s staying up after that movie marathon with his new colleague named Luhan. They are getting closer each day and they enjoy each other’s company really well. There weren’t any emotional attachments to it however; Luhan’s made it pretty clear that he’s not into giants with big ears but Chanyeol doesn’t take any offense in it, only liking Luhan a little more for his bluntness. They had clicked right on. It was good to have a friend who isn’t married.
After drying his hands, Chanyeol proceeds out of the gents but he was a second too late from looking up, bumping into someone in the process. He frantically apologizes for dropping the plate of cake that the other person had been holding, cursing himself as he bends down to help pick it up. It’s not salvageable as it had splattered on the ground but he has to do something to make it less awkward. One of the workers came to help clean it off, and it’s only then that Chanyeol looks up.
He meets a pair of similar, calm eyes, hair dyed a lighter brown with the same pair of pink lips. Chanyeol hasn’t seen this face for the past four years and when he finally registers the fact that this isn’t a dream, Chanyeol allows himself to smile. The boy returns his smile and Chanyeol couldn’t believe how much he had missed seeing it, had missed his presence. He swallows, speaking slowly as if afraid if he breaks the silence, he would wake up from this dream. “Sehun?”
Sehun chuckles, nodding his head. “Hey, Yeol.”
Chanyeol blinks, shaking his head. “I - I mean, hi. Hi, Sehun. You’re back?”
The younger nods again, not losing the smile. They’re interrupted by a call from behind Sehun and Chanyeol looks to see that it’s Baekhyun. His first assumption was that Sehun is seeing Baekhyun now, but he could be wrong. He wishes he’s wrong, but he doesn’t get to say anything because Sehun speaks again. “Yeah, I’m back for good. You - You look different.”
“It must be the hair,” Chanyeol jokes, “I had it dyed grey three months ago and now it’s kind of ruined. Or the age. I must have aged a lot.”
Sehun laughs and it’s something Chanyeol remembers he has missed so much. “Maybe the age.”
They share a few chuckles before they fall silent and Chanyeol glances to see that Jongin and Kyungsoo are smiling at him and Haru is finishing off his cake. Chanyeol grins, stuttering a bit. “So, uh - I’ll, erm - Buy you another cake?”
“Hm,” Sehun hums and he looks back to look at a scowling Baekhyun before he turns back to face Chanyeol, a smile on his face. Chanyeol couldn’t help the smile that forms on his own lips, unable to stop the excited leap his heart took. He waits and waits until Sehun meets his eyes again. “Sure, but you’d have to buy Baekhyun cake too. We don’t want a hungry puppy, do we?”
Chanyeol laughs and he has a good feeling. A really, really good feeling. “Two cakes then.”
Sehun smiles again then and Chanyeol’s sure they’re heading off in a new direction.
He knows it. Just like he had known Sehun’s the one.
Unless, of course, Sehun is with Baekhyun now… Chanyeol shakes his head, refuses to believe. This is second chance. He knows it. He cannot mess things up again this time.
Final author's note: Also thank you bluedreaming for the amazing prompts. I couldn't choose because they were all so great. Alas, this is my capability.
Title: Scintilla
Pairing(s): Chanyeol/Sehun, slight!Kai/D.O
Rating: PG-13
Length: 7.7k
Summary: Chanyeol doesn't know what changed.
Author's note: Thank you E for reading it through and making sure it's decent enough.
Love used to feel amazing; it used to feel like the sun setting over the horizon, bringing the orange of the skies with it. It used to feel like having the starlight shining down upon you and there’s warmth even as the wind blows at your skin. Love used to feel like going for a skydive - it’s terrifying, the fear is real and you don’t know if you’re going to survive the pain, but it also feels great in the way that you’re laughing through your fears because you know you’re going to make it after all. It’s great because even though you’re afraid, even though it’s terrifying, you know someone’s going to catch you.
It used to be all those, until it becomes too dull that it’s almost… painful. It’s painful in the way you keep trying to believe that nothing is changing, but at the same time you crave that change because it’s no longer exciting. You need that excitement of jumping off that cliff again and you want to do it with the same person who’s made you feel that way before, but you’re scared it would be with someone else. You’re scared that the person you’ve spent half of your life with might not want you the same anymore.
Chanyeol feels it burning under his skin, scorching his flesh and bones like wildfire. His time awake are spent worrying over something left unsaid, words no longer of use when it comes to his relationship. He falls asleep every night to the sound of Sehun’s soft snoring and wakes up every morning to the sizzling sounds of Sehun preparing breakfast. There hasn’t been many words exchanged. They haven’t said anything longer than a sentence. It’s changing, and Chanyeol feels it in his bones.
Chanyeol is afraid. Chanyeol is terrified. But he doesn’t show it.
He is quiet as he walks alongside his best friends from college, one of them being his colleague. Jongin and Kyungsoo’s hands are clasped as they walked next to the silent giant, whose own pair of hands are hidden in the pockets of his jacket. It has been a long day in the office and exhaustion hangs heavy on his shoulders, providing a comment here and there and laughing along at whatever Kyungsoo jokes about. Most of the time, Chanyeol only watches the way Jongin gazes at Kyungsoo whenever the oldest speaks and he reads something familiar in Jongin’s chocolate eyes. Kyungsoo returns those looks, with equal amount of adoration and love and fondness. His heart is heavy. Sehun hasn’t looked at Chanyeol that way for a while and Chanyeol fears that his nightmares are becoming a reality.
“Chanyeol, we’re going for a little drink.” Kyungsoo interrupts his train of thoughts and Chanyeol forces a smile on his lips. He doesn’t miss the way Jongin pulls Kyungsoo closer to him. “Wanna come with?”
The word that first comes up to his mind was a yes. Yes, he does want to go with them for a drink because he needs a drink to calm his nerves and his thoughts. There is a voice at the back of his head, however, a reminder that Sehun hates it whenever Chanyeol drinks, even if it was just an innocent sip. Chanyeol loves Sehun and he never wants the younger to be upset, especially not now. Sighing and pursing his lips, Chanyeol flashes his two friends an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry but I’ll pass.”
At that same moment, there is a blaring of a phone ringing and Jongin excuses himself to answer the call. Chanyeol watches as his friend walks off to a distance, out of earshot, brought back to attention when he feels Kyungsoo’s fingers circling his wrist. He raises his brows in question and there is concern etched on Kyungsoo’s forehead as he frowns up at the taller. “Chanyeol, are you really okay?”
It’s these kinds of questions that has Chanyeol thinking; is he really okay? Will he ever be okay? He doesn’t know the answers to them and for a moment, his heart pounds against his chest because he can’t lie to Kyungsoo, has never lied to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol purses his lips again and nods his head, using his elbow to nudge at Kyungsoo’s in the way he usually does whenever he tries to assure the older. “Yeah, I’m okay, Soo. Thanks for asking. You know I’ll manage.”
Kyungsoo’s frown only deepens and his lips parted to speak but Jongin’s already done with the phone call and Kyungsoo smiles
as his boyfriend’s fingers laced with his once again. Jongin gives Chanyeol’s shoulder a playful punch, “You sure you don’t wanna come with us?”
“Yes, I’m sure. You know how Sehun is.” Chanyeol chuckles.
The frown on Jongin’s forehead is very much similar to Kyungsoo’s and Chanyeol wonders if spending so many years together made them one person. He wonders if they see it in him and Sehun, wonders if they noticed the way Sehun never hold onto his hand anymore. Jongin’s voice is soft, but Chanyeol’s sure Kyungsoo hears him too. “Why is it that he couldn’t accept you for who you are?”
Chanyeol blinks, caught off-guard and there is a sense of defend rising up his throat. He frowns and shakes his head. “What are you talking about? Of course he accepts me for who I am. Why would he stay with me for so long if he couldn’t accept me?”
“Maybe that’s why you’re different now.” Jongin says, voice a little angry and Chanyeol is thankful that Kyungsoo is here to stop them from doing something not worthy of their time.
Kyungsoo places a hand over Jongin’s chest as a gesture to stop him from upsetting Chanyeol even further, smiling apologetically at the tallest. “That’s enough. It’s fine, Chanyeol. We’ll go ahead without you, okay? You have a safe trip home and say goodnight to Sehun for me.”
The eye contact he keeps with Jongin falters when Jongin’s gaze drops, muttering a quiet apology that Chanyeol quickly forgets. His head is spinning with the words Jongin had said and he refuses to let it sink, refuses to believe that loving Sehun has changed him and that he wasn’t aware of how Jongin and Kyungsoo have noticed. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Chanyeol nods his head and bid them goodbye, turning on his heels and not sparing a glance back as he flags for a cab.
The house is dark and silent when he reaches home but Chanyeol knows, even before he steps into the home he’s lived in for the past five years, that Sehun is inside. It’s quiet, but Chanyeol feels him.
Sehun used to greet Chanyeol whenever he comes home from work, crescent eyes forming and the edges of his lips curved into the smile Chanyeol fell in love with many years ago. He used to prepare dinner that Chanyeol would come home to; breathing in the delicious scent of Korean dish that he never gets tired of. Sehun used to wrap his arms around Chanyeol’s torso, peck his lips before he would pull the taller to the dining table to have dinner together. Sehun used to, but he no longer does.
He figures that it’s okay; Sehun still prepares breakfast in the morning even if he doesn’t join Chanyeol anymore. He still makes the best set of bacon and eggs, still makes the richest coffee the way Chanyeol likes it and he guesses it’s okay because Sehun still remembers what he likes. Jongin was wrong; Sehun does accept him for who he is. Sehun loves him, or so he would like to believe. It’s difficult, however, because there are no words or actions to show that Sehun still does.
It’s another long day of work that Chanyeol wakes up to at seven in the morning, groaning awake and stretching sleep off his form. He takes a while to register the familiar, dull white of his ceiling, already used to the emptiness of the space next to him. Chanyeol doesn’t remember when Sehun stops waking him up with kisses and he figures it has been quite a while, long enough for him to get used to. Sighing, Chanyeol gets up to take a quick shower, leaving the bathroom shivering from cold.
His boyfriend is in the kitchen, perched at the counter and staring out the window the way he usually does every morning. Sehun holds his mug close to his lips and Chanyeol smiles because no matter how far they have drifted, it’s still Sehun and Chanyeol has never loved anything more than he loves Sehun. The same set of bacon and eggs is already prepared on the table but Chanyeol abandons it in favour of walking up to his lover, long arms wrapping around Sehun from behind as his lips meet the skin of Sehun’s cheek. Sehun used to smile and return the kiss, but since their drift, he barely responds. It startles Chanyeol when Sehun pulls away this time to wash his empty mug. Chanyeol hears him mutter a quiet apology, for what Chanyeol doesn’t know.
The same weight begins to grow in Chanyeol’s chest, heart heavy and pounding with fear of something he doesn’t want to come true. He contemplates on pulling Sehun to face him so they could talk; it’s the one thing they haven’t done for weeks except for the small talks on how their days went. He knows they need to talk, that this cannot go on forever but he’s afraid that it wouldn’t end nicely. Chanyeol is afraid, and he decides that this could go on for another day. He swallows the lump in his throat and disregards Sehun’s coldness, proceeding to have his breakfast.
He doesn’t finish it this time and he’s putting on his shoes when Sehun appears from their room, clad in a grey hoodie and his old pair of jeans. There’s a small smile on his lips when his eyes meet Chanyeol’s, and the older’s heart skips a beat because he hasn’t seen it for so long. “I’m going to be out the whole day and will probably be back very late. Don’t wait for me.”
“Alright, take care.” Chanyeol whispers but knows that Sehun has heard him, smiling again when the younger leans down slightly to press a chaste kiss onto his lips. Their eyes meet again for a brief moment, and Chanyeol uses this opportunity
to say it. “I love you, Sehun.”
Sehun pauses but the twitch at the corner of his lips releases the tightness in Chanyeol’s chest. Sehun mutters back silently but Chanyeol hears him anyway. “Love you too, Yeol.”
The younger doesn’t glance back but Chanyeol’s smile doesn’t falter even as he settles at work.
Chanyeol couldn’t remember what went wrong between them. He couldn’t recall exactly when that Sehun started to drift away. Could it be that he’s bored of this relationship? Of being with the same person for years without actually moving forward? He knows somehow that it’s his fault; for not taking the next step and for making them stay the same for the past six years. But would Sehun say ‘yes’ now that he’s almost gone? Would he smile and blink back happy tears or frown and let guilty tears fall? Chanyeol’s too afraid to find out; too afraid to shed his own tears.
He knows deep in his heart that he loves Sehun; will always be in love with Sehun. But his weakness comes to the part about moving forward, taking chances and risks, content at just staying the same way. He must have not known Sehun well enough to learn that Sehun is different; Sehun likes moving and trying new things. Sehun isn’t like him. In a way, they complement each other well, but Chanyeol seems to have failed sacrificing a little bit of what he doesn’t like for the sake of his boyfriend.
He just doesn’t know if he’s too late.
A movement to his right brings Chanyeol out of his reverie, startling as he once again focuses on the work he was supposed to get done by the end of today. He looks over to see that it’s Jongin, who flashes him a smile and a nod that he returns. He doesn’t really know how to go about with Jongin; he knows Jongin doesn’t really approve of his relationship with Sehun as of late. Jongin seems to know what’s really happening behind closed doors, but Chanyeol guesses he can’t really blame Jongin for being able to; they’ve been friends longer than Chanyeol knows Sehun.
“Hey, hyung.” Jongin breaks the silence first and he waits until Chanyeol hums to continue. “How are you and Sehun doing these days?”
Although he has kind of expected Jongin to ask, it doesn’t stop Chanyeol from tensing just a little bit at the question. He quickly collects himself, however, eyes never leaving his work computer. “We’re okay, I guess. Why did you ask, Jongin?”
From the corner of his eyes, Chanyeol could see Jongin shrugging a shoulder. “Are you sure?”
Chanyeol holds his breath for a second before flashing Jongin a small smile and a nod. “Of course.”
He doesn’t look at Jongin after that and he doesn’t spare him a glance until Jongin sighs and leaves his table. He feels bad for brushing his best friend off like that, but Chanyeol doesn’t want Jongin to worry and he doesn’t want Jongin to hate Sehun for a mistake Chanyeol himself made. He wants to believe that his relationship with Sehun is still salvageable, that if he talks it out properly, they would go back to the way they were. He doesn’t want anything to change, doesn’t want to let go of Sehun.
But wouldn’t that make him the same? Wouldn’t that make him a coward, for being afraid to accept change, afraid to take risks to better their relationship?
He swallows the sudden lump in his throat, realizes that he’s been staring at the screen of his computer for so long without getting anything done. He knows he would have to talk to Sehun soon but he would worry about that later. There is also a dull headache forming in his head, and he winces before he tries to shake it off as if it would go away, focusing again on the work he had to do. He’ll deal with his personal matters later; if he doesn’t get this done, Chanyeol might also lose his job.
The house is, as always, dark and empty. He knows Sehun isn’t home this time and that’s only because the younger had told him earlier that he would be out late. Chanyeol tries to keep his thoughts positive; that Sehun did tell him instead of going silently, but he couldn’t help but feel slightly heavy-hearted that Sehun hadn’t told him where he had gone to or who he would be with. Sehun used to tell him all the little details, even if he didn’t ask. He’d sometimes take a break from his work to see a message of Sehun telling him he’d gone to see his dad in the outskirts of town.
Sehun doesn’t tell him anything anymore.
He brushes the thought away as he closes the front door, turning on the lights to brighten the house a little. It’s been so dull these few days; Sehun usually leaves it off when he hides in the room. The lights brightened the living room and Chanyeol smiles at the change, heading straight to the bathroom to get a quick shower. He leaves the bathroom with only a pair of boxers and a simple tee, ignoring the cold of night because he much prefers it than the heat. He’s glad he’d grabbed something to eat on the way home as he checks the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers to be placed in the fridge. There weren’t any and after making sure everything is in place, Chanyeol settles on the couch with intention to wait for Sehun’s return, TV turned on and lights off for a more comfortable feel.
The shower had been refreshing and Chanyeol lounges on the couch with the remote control in hand and some animal documentary playing on TV. He doesn’t know how long exactly he’s sat there watching how amazing elephants could be and how strong tigers are; he’d sat through two documentaries and Sehun still isn’t back. It’s when he turns to check the wall clock that he catches sight of the framed photos on the wall and some on the coffee table. He barely notes the time reading almost eleven at night because now his mind is bring him someplace else. Someplace better; a memory of the times he hears Sehun’s laughter than watches his back turned on Chanyeol.
Memory of the times Sehun used to smile up at him and never forgets to kiss him on his lips.
Memory of the time they first said the three important words.
It’s almost funny how it could easily lose its meaning.
It happens a year after Chanyeol asked Sehun out for a movie. They’ve gone through twelve months of staying over each other’s places, holding hands when going out, laughing and just having fun, no worries or fear weighing them down. Chanyeol had never felt so free and happy like he was during the times he had spent with Sehun. So when it marks their first year, Chanyeol decides it’s the perfect time to say it. He was more than sure about his feelings but he made sure to talk to Kyungsoo and Jongin first before he proceeded. After all, even though they weren’t love experts, they are his closest friends. Sehun was worth the risk, even though Chanyeol had never been one to take them.
He brought Sehun out for another movie, thought it would be great to do the first thing that they had done together. It was some lame action movie that they both laughed about after and Chanyeol remembered being so happy, almost overjoyed. Sehun had always been able to make him laugh easily, make him forget about pain and stress and everything else that Chanyeol hated. Sehun was the one. Chanyeol knew it the moment he smiled just as soon as Sehun smiled at him, even though he had just been failed his biggest class test. He still knows Sehun is the one.
Chanyeol remembered going from overjoyed to extremely nervous as he walked Sehun home. They were young but not too young, and even though he was sure he was ready, he wasn’t ready to face rejection. He had never stuttered so much in his life but one look into Sehun’s eyes boosted his confidence and then he know that it was then or never. So he took Sehun’s hands just as they reached Sehun’s driveway, kissed the back of them before he looked into Sehun’s calm eyes.
“I love you,” He said, finally, and there was a gasp that left Sehun’s lips upon his confession and when his eyes lighted up, Chanyeol knew there was no room for the pain of rejection.
Sehun wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and they kissed. They kissed until they’re out of breath and Sehun was a little teary-eyed and then Chanyeol finally knows how it felt like to hear those words from someone’s mouth, said to him. Sehun’s voice was a whisper when he spoke, but it triggered the happy tears that lingered in Chanyeol’s eyes. “I love you, too, Park Chanyeol.”
He couldn’t really remember if he had ever been as happy as he was then but he remembered that it had been one of his happiest days, one that he could never forget. Chanyeol cherished what he had with Sehun, vowed to love and never stop, but somewhere along the way he must have done something wrong. Because suddenly Sehun’s smile grew smaller and smaller until he no longer smiles, and Chanyeol could count the number of times Sehun had said the three words to him.
Something had obviously change. Chanyeol just doesn’t know what had.
He’s woken up from sleep by a soft shake to his shoulder and he takes a moment to register the fact that he’s awake. He frowns up to see who had woken him but relaxes when he sees that it is Sehun who’s hovering just slightly above him, a hand on his shoulder. There’s a twitch at the corner of his lips and he smiles when Sehun asks him to sleep in the room. He takes the chance to pull Sehun along, figures that he might not get this chance a lot. So he wraps his fingers around Sehun’s wrist after he got onto his feet before he pulls the younger boy to the room. Fortunately, Sehun doesn’t protest and Chanyeol pulls him to bed with him before he turns off the lights.
He knows they needed to talk, but it could wait.
Chanyeol just wants to hold Sehun again.
Chanyeol thinks it’s time they go for a date; it had been awhile since their last. A movie would be too pointless if they were going to just watch something on the big screen with little communication. He wants to tell Sehun about a lot of things and he wants Sehun to do the same. Perhaps it would patch things up between them and they’d go back to how they used to be and then Chanyeol would make sure he would use his second chance well, not make the same mistakes again. Sehun is too precious to him; it would break him completely if he ever loses the love of his life. He couldn’t risk it.
He wakes up with a smile and speaks up while they finish up their breakfast. “So, Sehun, I was thinking we should go out for dinner tonight. Been awhile since we last did, don’t you think?”
Sehun raises his brows questioningly but there’s that familiar smile on his lips that made Chanyeol’s heart skip a beat. Sehun chuckles, the sound something Chanyeol misses. “Like, a dinner date?”
Nodding, Chanyeol swallows the last piece of bacon he had been chewing, smile quickly turning into a grin. Sehun chuckling is definitely a good sign. “Yeah, like a dinner date. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy these days. Work is piling up in the office. But since I’m free today, would you like to?”
The younger was silent for a few minutes but Chanyeol doesn’t push it. He watches with a heavy heart, grin fading away, as Sehun silently gets up to wash both their plates. Chanyeol swallows the sigh that threatened to leave his lips and waits until Sehun turns around again. For the second time this week, their eyes meet and Chanyeol holds it before he loses this chance. But then Sehun nods and Chanyeol blinks, not daring to believe what he was seeing. Sehun chuckles again then, throws a rag towards Chanyeol to snap him out of it. “I said yes, I’d like to go for dinner outside tonight.”
The grin that forms on Chanyeol’s lips is immediate and he quickly gets onto his feet to rush over to Sehun, not hesitating as he leans down to kiss the younger on the lips. It feels so good Chanyeol almost cried but he’s smiling too much to shed a tear. It seems almost too good to be true but Sehun’s smiling a lot more than he has for the past couple of weeks and he lets Chanyeol kiss him more than twice. He even lets Chanyeol tickle him when they sit down for a show in the living room, lets Chanyeol pull him to bed to make love after so long. Chanyeol misses it and he wishes it would last.
By the time dinner comes, it feels almost as if they were back to how they had always been before the drift. Sehun’s laughing again as they held hands and the little drive to the restaurant was filled with good things and happy talk. Chanyeol doesn’t bring up anything about the obvious change, even though he knows he would have too sooner or later. It is just that it’s too good to let go. He isn’t ready for the night to be over; he wants it to last forever. He’s afraid tomorrow he would wake up the same as yesterday. Chanyeol wants to keep this side of Sehun, the smiling, happy Sehun who time and again leans up to whisper into Chanyeol’s ear something random that would make both smile.
Sehun tells him that he had been going back to his father’s place a lot these days because the old man’s unwell and Chanyeol promises that the next off day he gets, he’d bring Sehun to see his father. Sehun smiles just a little wider at that. He, in turn, tells Sehun about the work that’s piling up on his desk at work, apologizes for not being home a lot these few days. He also tells Sehun about Jongin and Kyungsoo, tells him with a laugh that they have been wondering about Sehun as well. The dinner goes well so far, but Chanyeol doesn’t want to get his hopes up for something more.
Like they said, good things weren’t made to last.
Perhaps he shouldn’t have said what he had, but Chanyeol couldn’t keep it in. He had to say it because it is the truth and what wrong has he done for being honest? For a moment, Chanyeol couldn’t make sense of things. His voice is silent when he speaks, but Sehun hears him. “I miss you.”
It doesn’t make sense for what he said to upset Sehun, because as soon as he did, the smile on Sehun’s lips disappeared and the younger male falls silent. The seconds turned into minutes before Sehun gets up and walks away. Chanyeol is suddenly angry; is it wrong to say that he misses his boyfriend? Is it such a terrible thing to do to tell his boyfriend that they have drifted so far, enough for him to miss Sehun even though they still sleep on the same bed? He follows Sehun out and drives them home.
His anger only subsides when he realizes that perhaps, Sehun doesn’t feel the same anymore. He guesses it’s time to talk. He couldn’t let it pass this time. So as soon as he closes the front door of their house, Chanyeol follows Sehun into the room. Maybe he shouldn’t speak when angry, but Chanyeol couldn’t live anymore pretending everything is okay. The next time Jongin or Kyungsoo asks and he lies, their friendship would then be at stake. He couldn’t lose them too.
“What happened to us, Sehun?” Chanyeol begins, breathing heavy.
Sehun scoffs, running fingers through his black hair, a bitter smile on his lips and voice a notch higher. “You’re asking me? How about you ask yourself, Chanyeol? What the hell happened to us?”
A frown forms on Chanyeol’s forehead, confused and growing a little bit angrier. “Why are you asking me? Why are you asking me when you’re the one who’s changed? You’re not the same person I met, Sehun. You’ve changed. I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“Anyone would change if they’re with you, Chanyeol.” Sehun snaps, and it stings Chanyeol speechless. Sehun doesn’t blink as he continues. “You’re so good with your words, to make up for the time you were physically absent. Did you think they’re enough? Did you think that telling me you love me and you won’t ever leave me while you’re half asleep is enough to make up for the time that you weren’t here? Did you know about the times that I needed you home to hold me because I need you, because my mom is gone and I didn’t get to say goodbye? Did you read any of my messages then? You came home that day telling me I should go on my own because you have work to finish as if I just lost a pet. I lost my mother, Chanyeol. You let me go alone. And that’s not the only thing.”
The words are slowly sinking in and Chanyeol suddenly remembers about the times that he had neglected Sehun. Guilt and regret fills him but there is nothing he could do or say to change it. He wishes he had done differently, taken time off work to accompany Sehun when he needed him. But where had he been then? Holed up in his office to get his proposal done. Chanyeol mentally curses himself, but he could only watch as tears stream down Sehun’s face. He wipes them off hastily and Chanyeol moves to pull him into his arms but he stops Chanyeol from coming any closer.
“You were never here for me, Chanyeol.” Sehun sniffles, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe at his cheeks, shaking his head. “Every time I needed someone, I had to call Baekhyun to make sure he’s free for me, which isn’t fair because he has his own problems to deal with, his own boyfriend to care for. Even my best friend had to choose between his boyfriend and me to see who he’d have to ditch, Chanyeol. How do you think that would make me feel? Every time I need a shoulder to lean on, you weren’t here and I had to go through another shitty phase of knowing my own best friend needs to consider if I’m worth his time. How do you think I’d feel? To have no one to lean on?”
Chanyeol stays silent as Sehun continues to speak, his own heart breaking for hurting the boy he had never had the intention to hurt. He had always thought his fault in it was that he had never had the faith to take a step forward, that Sehun wants a change when everything happened because Chanyeol has never been there for the person who needed him the most. He doesn’t know how he could ever make up for his mistakes and there is fear in his chest that this might be the end. Sehun doesn’t say anything more after that as he sniffles again and disappears into the bathroom. And it is only when Chanyeol’s ready for bed that Sehun comes back out. They lay on the same bed, back facing each other and there are miles in between them, weighing so heavy Chanyeol almost suffocates.
It is the loud banging sounds coming from the kitchen that woke Chanyeol up from his sleep. A little panicked, he rushes up to get to the kitchen, finding Sehun preparing breakfast. He stays silent where he stands, uncertain if he should walk up to the younger boy after their argument last night. He watches with concern as Sehun moves almost angrily, dropping plates on the ground and the chopping board that almost landed on his toe. Chanyeol wears a frown as he approaches to help Sehun pick up the things he had dropped, placing them carefully on the kitchen counter. Chanyeol’s heart breaks even further when he sees Sehun’s face; eyes swollen and nose red from crying.
Sehun turns away quickly to stand by the sink, hands gripping onto the edges of the counter as his shoulders heaved up and down, breathing heavily. Chanyeol dared not say anything so he stands in silence behind Sehun, guilty and angry at himself for letting all of this happen. He doesn’t know how long it goes on but Sehun eventually turns to face him and there’s a lone tear that rolls down his cheek as he speaks, lips trembling, eyes red and cheeks flushed. Chanyeol feels useless as a boyfriend.
When Sehun begins shaking his head, Chanyeol almost wishes he couldn’t hear what Sehun says next. With a sob, Sehun sniffles. “I’m tired, Chanyeol. I’m really tired. I can’t do this anymore.”
Chanyeol doesn’t want to believe that what Sehun actually meant. He doesn’t want to let go just yet, still believes they could work things out. And when Sehun doesn’t push him away, Chanyeol wraps his arms around Sehun’s shoulders and sends him to their room, tells the younger boy to get more sleep. It is very typical of Park Chanyeol to push things away like that, delay it because he’s too afraid to accept the fate he’s brought upon himself. He manages to hold back his own tears as he pulls the blanket up Sehun’s frame, only letting himself cry as he leans against the door after closing it. He had thought losing Sehun would hurt, but listening to Sehun cry hurts even more.
Maybe… Maybe he should let go.
“If it’s time, it’s time.” Jongin says as he looks away, jaw clenching after staying silent the whole time Chanyeol took to tell him and Kyungsoo everything.
Chanyeol looks up at him, at the brink of tears as he processes what Jongin had meant. Kyungsoo nudges at Jongin’s shoulder before he turns to face Chanyeol, flashing him an assuring smile as he rubs a hand down Chanyeol’s arm. “Chanyeol, I’m sure everything will work out just fine.”
“I don’t know, Soo. Everything is fucked up.” Chanyeol shakes his head, leaning back onto the couch he has been sitting on since an hour ago. He knows Jongin couldn’t tolerate behaviours like this in any relationship, which is why he tries his best with Kyungsoo so Chanyeol’s surprised Jongin didn’t kick him out of the apartment just yet. “I fucked everything up, Soo.”
Jongin sighs, getting up to sit next to Chanyeol. “Look, Chanyeol. If you are one hundred percent sure you’re still madly in love with this guy, then go and make it work. Don’t mess up again.”
So Chanyeol finds himself back home, seated next to Sehun’s sleeping form on the bed they still share. There are a lot of things going on in his head; things he wished he had done and words he wished he hadn’t said. He couldn’t help but think he’s done too much damage to fix anything. Sehun is angry and hurt and Chanyeol is too guilty to even begin of ways he could make up to his mistakes. It would be best if he gives up, let Sehun go and let him fix himself. But would that be a selfish move? Does he really still love Sehun the way he had six years ago? Could he change for the better and make Sehun happier? Chanyeol doesn’t believe it in himself. He couldn’t do it.
Releasing a deep breath, Chanyeol scoots in his bed to face Sehun, hesitantly bringing a hand up to stroke Sehun’s hair. He only realizes that Sehun hadn’t been sleeping when the younger boy tenses under his touch and from where he sits, Chanyeol could hear the soft stutter of Sehun’s breath. He couldn’t help the tears that rolled down his cheeks, too ridden in guilt that he couldn’t begin to apologize. He has kept Sehun upset for so long, should have known that he was making a mistake all this time. Chanyeol leans down to press a kiss onto Sehun’s temple, chest heavy with guilt.
“I’m so sorry, Sehun.” He whispers, knows that Sehun could hear him. “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me most, for neglecting you at your times of need. I know I should have been there, be the shoulder for you to lean on, the arms you could fall into. But I failed you… And I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could change things and make it alright again, love you the way you deserved. But I can’t. And all I can do is make it up to you, if only you would give me another chance.”
Sehun stays silent but from how his shoulders heaved, Chanyeol knows he’s crying as well. He kisses Sehun’s temple again, wraps an arm around the younger’s torso. “Please, just one more chance.”
He hopes the silence means that he would get that chance that he needs to make things alright again, but as always, Chanyeol doesn’t want to get his hopes up.
Chanyeol wakes up with a throbbing in his head, blinking through the sunlight that peeked through the curtains. He gets up slowly so as to not worsen his headache, wincing as it throbs a little once he’s fully seated. There are movements in front of him and he registers it a little too late to notice that Sehun is up and he’s throwing his clothes into a bag. Chanyeol frowns, moving a little too slowly onto his feet to stop Sehun from doing what he’s doing. Sehun snatches his arm away from Chanyeol’s grasp, going to grab a few more of his clothes and stuffing them into his bag.
“Sehun, please.” Chanyeol begins, unable to do anything but watch. “All I need is for you to give me another chance. I promise I will make things right, Sehun. We’re gonna work it out.”
Sehun shakes his head, picking up the clothes he’d dropped on the floor. “I can’t, Chanyeol. I can’t do it anymore. Please, just let me go home.”
“But I love you,” He begs, watching Sehun zip up his bag and following him out of the room. He grabs onto Sehun’s wrist again, heart racing in his chest and he doesn’t bother to wipe away the tears that trail down his cheeks. “I’m still in love with you, Sehun. I love you so much.”
The younger pauses mid-step, and Chanyeol has a second of hope that Sehun would change his mind. But then Sehun pulls his hand back and shakes his head, voice soft as he speaks. And Chanyeol has nothing else to say to stop Sehun from leaving because Sehun no longer has a reason to stay. “But I don’t, Chanyeol. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t… love you anymore.”
Still, as he watches Sehun leave the house they’d shared for the past five years, watching and listening to Sehun cry hurts the most, even more than being left behind.
He doesn’t know how long he stayed curled up in his living room until Kyungsoo finds him there and wordlessly wraps his arms around the taller’s shoulders. He cries into Kyungsoo’s chest because it’s the only thing he could do now that he’s lost his reasons. It could have been hours since Sehun left, Chanyeol doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. He’s broken all over and it hurts to even think about waking up without Sehun, figures he would rather have Sehun there not speaking to him than to not have Sehun at all. He tries to tell Kyungsoo what happened but it’s hard to speak and Kyungsoo only hushes him anyway. Everything hurts, though. Every part of him hurts.
When Kyungsoo is sure Chanyeol is a little better, he breaks the silence with an apologetic voice. “Chanyeol, before Sehun left, he came to see me. That’s why I know you’re alone here in the house. He told me you might need me here. He left you a letter, Chanyeol.”
Chanyeol frowns as he waits for Kyungsoo to take the paper out of his pocket, quickly taking it to unfold the letter. There are already folded creases on it, almost as if Sehun had written it a while ago and spent an amount of time folding and unfolding it. Chanyeol’s head hurts and he winces before he focuses on the words in Sehun’s familiar handwriting.
“Dear Chanyeol,
I forgive you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest from the beginning, enough to tell you what bothered me. But I wanted to see if you would change, if you’d come to realize that I need you and I would always need you. You asked me to give you another chance but I can’t stay anymore, Yeol. I’m tired of hurting, of waiting, until it eventually make me realize that it isn’t the same as it was six years ago. I loved you then, I really did. I just need you to know that.
Don’t come and find me. I’m going away to find myself again. I’ve given so much of myself to you that I don’t know who I am anymore. Do I belong next to you, or am I just a person you’re sharing a bed with? I don’t know, Yeol. I thought I knew where my place is and that’s to stay with you but I couldn’t find any purpose in staying. Please wish me luck in finding myself again. I would need it very much. I just want to feel wanted, needed. I want someone to be there when I’m happy but also when I’m at the verge of breaking down. I don’t have… anyone. I don’t.
I have my dad and you might think I’d have Baekhyun too, but why should I stay with someone who doesn’t need me to take his time away from his other precious ones? So I’m leaving, somewhere far away. I’ll come back when I think I can.
Please take care of yourself. Maybe, when you love again, you’ll know how to keep them happy and be there for them in their times of need.
Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I’m sorry I had to leave.
Maybe someday we’ll meet again.
With love, Sehun”
Kyungsoo holds Chanyeol for the rest of the night and doesn’t leave even when he wakes up the next morning. His head still hurts, his chest still heavy. Chanyeol misses Sehun already, but it’s easier to breathe now that he knows Sehun will be okay. Maybe someday, they would meet again.
Chanyeol watches as little Haru skips about the playground with Kyungsoo, laughing when she tricks her foster dad into thinking she was behind him. Jongin and Kyungsoo had been married for three years now, having adopted Haru in their second year of marriage and Chanyeol had stuck around to become her godfather. It’s nice to watch a child grow up in front of his eyes; it fills up the emptiness that has filled him up since his heartbreak. Spending time with Haru has helped a lot.
Jongin seats himself opposite Chanyeol in the café, both looking over Kyungsoo and Haru playing at the playground just next to the café. Jongin sips at his tea, and Chanyeol enjoys the cooling air that brushes against his skin. Time has healed his wound, and even though the scar remains, Chanyeol no longer lets pain take over his thoughts. He’s learnt to make the most of his time. He’s learnt to put his priorities right. He only wishes Sehun was here now to see his change.
The silence is broken when Chanyeol excuses himself, getting up to go to the gents. He washes his hands and face, a little tired from last night’s staying up after that movie marathon with his new colleague named Luhan. They are getting closer each day and they enjoy each other’s company really well. There weren’t any emotional attachments to it however; Luhan’s made it pretty clear that he’s not into giants with big ears but Chanyeol doesn’t take any offense in it, only liking Luhan a little more for his bluntness. They had clicked right on. It was good to have a friend who isn’t married.
After drying his hands, Chanyeol proceeds out of the gents but he was a second too late from looking up, bumping into someone in the process. He frantically apologizes for dropping the plate of cake that the other person had been holding, cursing himself as he bends down to help pick it up. It’s not salvageable as it had splattered on the ground but he has to do something to make it less awkward. One of the workers came to help clean it off, and it’s only then that Chanyeol looks up.
He meets a pair of similar, calm eyes, hair dyed a lighter brown with the same pair of pink lips. Chanyeol hasn’t seen this face for the past four years and when he finally registers the fact that this isn’t a dream, Chanyeol allows himself to smile. The boy returns his smile and Chanyeol couldn’t believe how much he had missed seeing it, had missed his presence. He swallows, speaking slowly as if afraid if he breaks the silence, he would wake up from this dream. “Sehun?”
Sehun chuckles, nodding his head. “Hey, Yeol.”
Chanyeol blinks, shaking his head. “I - I mean, hi. Hi, Sehun. You’re back?”
The younger nods again, not losing the smile. They’re interrupted by a call from behind Sehun and Chanyeol looks to see that it’s Baekhyun. His first assumption was that Sehun is seeing Baekhyun now, but he could be wrong. He wishes he’s wrong, but he doesn’t get to say anything because Sehun speaks again. “Yeah, I’m back for good. You - You look different.”
“It must be the hair,” Chanyeol jokes, “I had it dyed grey three months ago and now it’s kind of ruined. Or the age. I must have aged a lot.”
Sehun laughs and it’s something Chanyeol remembers he has missed so much. “Maybe the age.”
They share a few chuckles before they fall silent and Chanyeol glances to see that Jongin and Kyungsoo are smiling at him and Haru is finishing off his cake. Chanyeol grins, stuttering a bit. “So, uh - I’ll, erm - Buy you another cake?”
“Hm,” Sehun hums and he looks back to look at a scowling Baekhyun before he turns back to face Chanyeol, a smile on his face. Chanyeol couldn’t help the smile that forms on his own lips, unable to stop the excited leap his heart took. He waits and waits until Sehun meets his eyes again. “Sure, but you’d have to buy Baekhyun cake too. We don’t want a hungry puppy, do we?”
Chanyeol laughs and he has a good feeling. A really, really good feeling. “Two cakes then.”
Sehun smiles again then and Chanyeol’s sure they’re heading off in a new direction.
He knows it. Just like he had known Sehun’s the one.
Unless, of course, Sehun is with Baekhyun now… Chanyeol shakes his head, refuses to believe. This is second chance. He knows it. He cannot mess things up again this time.
Final author's note: Also thank you bluedreaming for the amazing prompts. I couldn't choose because they were all so great. Alas, this is my capability.