Part 1b: November 2013 - May 2014
Part 1a
November 2013 - March 2014
A farewell tour, a party or several, some tears and a lot of laughter.
A map of the US travels with them, the five of them planning out a route winding through cities and towns and miles of nowhere, a future. By the end of the tour, they all know the plan well enough to recite it, a shared chain of names that'll hold them together even when two of them are on a different continent (9577.48 kilometers away and growing).
28 December 2013
The Singapore concert is three days before New Year. For some reason, Yunho finds the post-concert dip harder that day, takes himself out on the balcony when they get back to the suite to lean on the railing while he tells himself that he's being silly for brooding over the prospect of having a real Christmas and New Year holiday, this time next year.
He's been out there for maybe ten minutes, he hasn't really been keeping track, when there's the sound of the glass door sliding open even more and then someone clearing their throat to announce their presence.
Yunho turns enough to confirm that it's Yoochun, hair damp from a shower with the towel still around his shoulders, and says, "Hey," quietly before he turns back to look out over the city, though not so much that he can't keep an eye on Yoochun too.
He catches the face Yoochun makes as he shuffles his way closer to Yunho, and then the next one, a little more nervous, as Yoochun takes precarious steps towards the railing. Thirty-seven floors is pretty high, and Yoochun's not a fan of heights; Yunho appreciates the thought it must've taken to get Yoochun out here. "What's up?" Yoochun asks once he's got his hands firmly gripping the bar, and Yunho puts a hand out to cover one for extra security. "It's hot out here, hyung."
"Brooding," Yunho says with a shrug and a sheepish smile. "Thinking about what happens when it's all over."
"Can find out what being lazy is like," Yoochun suggests.
Yunho's smile turns fond, and he leans towards Yoochun a little. "You would think of that," he says. "Lazy's not my strong point, though."
When Yoochun grins, Yunho shakes his head, pretty sure he knows what's coming next. "Lucky for you, laziness can be taught," Yoochun says brightly.
"Going to teach me, then?" Yunho asks, playing along, letting Yoochun's smile get rid of the brooding for the meantime.
Yoochun makes a hard noise in his throat and scoffs. "Looking at the master," he says matter-of-factly.
Yunho sneaks an arm around Yoochun's waist, leaning in close because while it is warm out here, Yoochun's warmth is a different kind, and he'll miss it when Yoochun's off halfway across the world. Even if that's still five months away, he plans to store up as much of it as he can. "Master, hm?" he asks, a little belated.
Smiling, Yoochun throws an arm around Yunho's shoulders and extracts his hand from underneath Yunho's to gesture at his own face. "Can't get more masterful than this, hyung."
Yunho smiles back at him, says sweetly, "You're the laziest person I know, Yoochun," then laughs as Yoochun pretends to wipe away a tear.
"I've been waiting to hear you say that for so long," Yoochun says tightly, clutching a fist to his chest. Yunho just shakes his head at the melodrama of it all, muttering under his breath about Yoochun waiting for very strange things.
"They're not kicking us out, you know," Yoochun says after a few beats of silence, tapping his fingers on top of the railing. "They wouldn't have given you that offer if you were useless. Besides, we can figure out what it's like to not be exhausted all the time, too."
"I know," Yunho says in reply, reaching to catch Yoochun's tapping fingers in his own and fitting them together. "But I'm really going to miss this. Miss all of you. Even if we're all living together still, it won't be the same, you know?" He doesn't say anything about the not having Jaejoong and Yoochun at all for a few months.
Yoochun squeezes Yunho's hand, looking out instead of at Yunho, and Yunho turns a little more towards him to study his profile, and the glint of city lights in his eyes. "Not the same, but we can make it even better. So we won't have to miss this."
"When'd you get so wise?" Yunho asks, squeezing back at Yoochun's hand.
Yoochun looks back at him flatly. "Who do you think I am? Junsu?"
Yunho bites back a chuckle, cocking his head in false innocence. "Not like you to imply Junsu's wise."
"Hey!" Yoochun makes a face like he's about to gag and Yunho loses his innocent face in favour of quiet laughter. "Meant I've always been wise, unlike Junsu. I just don't brag about my abilities like Changmin does. Modesty, you know. That's me, too."
"Modest and wise," Yunho says, nodding, still laughing. "That sounds like you all right."
Yoochun sighs and hangs his head. "Your sarcasm, it wounds." But then he glances up, squeezes Yunho's shoulders in a pseudo-hug that Yunho reciprocates. "Gonna be all right, yeah?"
"Will be fine," Yunho replies, summoning up his most reassuring smile, helped by the fact that he means it. Can't be anything but fine, as long as he has them all, as long as he knows they'll come back to him. "Let's go inside, Yoochun-ah, and you can start giving me those lessons in laziness."
03 March 2014
They're reaching the end of their tour, and each day Jaejoong picks up another stupid habit he thought he'd gotten rid of years ago. Today it's mauling the inside of his cheek like a little kid as he grabs his portable tape recorder off the hotel nightstand and goes across the hall. Junsu's tucked in, reading his latest manhwa, and Jaejoong launches himself onto the end of the bed, and onto Junsu's feet, which get trapped snugly under his stomach.
"Hey, stranger," Jaejoong greets once he's comfortable.
Junsu lowers the book in his hands and looks at Jaejoong, for a second the perfect picture of a deer caught in the headlights. Then the customary grin sweeps over his face and he wiggles his toes under Jaejoong's tummy. "Why, hello. Come here often?" It's a tone that clearly says 'Yoochun taught me this', and just like that, the anxious feelings that have been snowballing for the past few weeks drain off for a moment.
"Only to see your pretty face," Jaejoong answers, kissy face and all.
Junsu's grin widens and Jaejoong can feel his toes wriggling again. "Oh, that's the kind of compliment that gets you places."
Jaejoong sees the window and doesn't hesitate to jump through it. He taps the tape recorder lightly against Junsu's thigh through the blanket. "How about places where you sing into a metal box for me?"
Junsu quiets down, then, traces of fake-greasiness disappearing, replaced with something Jaejoong can't quite figure out. "Why?"
Jaejoong shrugs, twirling a loose thread around his index finger, and says lamely, "I like your voice."
It's not like he's lying. The tape recorder is out of one part affection for Junsu's voice, two parts affection for what Junsu's voice means, and if Jaejoong's not going to have the chance to stand on stage with him again, exhausting and exhilarating while Junsu's voice makes up for everything his own lacks, he at least wants something tangible to keep, some dumb and sentimental half-rate copy. Maybe when he's on the other side of the world, he'll sing along to it.
There's another pause - a millisecond gleam of emotion in Junsu's eyes. There's also a smile, but after ten years, Jaejoong's known not to judge from the surface smiles and learned laughter. Junsu's always been good at hiding his feelings, but he needs an outlet - fidgety fingers, wriggling toes. "I like your voice, too." He finally says.
Jaejoong sneaks a hand under the blankets to touch the bottom of Junsu's foot - the faintest tickle, just a light I'm here more than anything else. He doesn't want to mess this up. "So how about your voice and my voice hook up in a metal box sometime."
It seems to calm Junsu down, if only a little. He smiles, tugs Jaejoong closer, says, "As long as you're singing with me."
Jaejoong shrugs. "I don't want to stop singing with you," he admits.
"Neither do I." Junsu takes the tape recorder in Jaejoong's hand, fingers the smooth edge. "What are we going to sing?"
Jaejoong twists his mouth as he thinks, looking from Junsu's eyes to his hands. "Do you remember Thanks to?" It's still his favorite from their first album.
Junsu grins and nods, "It's such a sweet song."
"I know," Jaejoong says, a little cheeky, as he reaches to push record. It's okay if it's catching a piece of conversation; he likes Junsu's speaking voice too.
Junsu looks at the recorder, clears his throat, and then, with what Jaejoong recognizes as his best Bigeaststation voice, "This is for Jaejoong-hyung, so he doesn't feel too lonely when Yoochun's off angsting - I mean, writing somewhere by himself."
Jaejoong half-smiles, because loneliness is pretty much what this all boils down to. He moves, sitting next to Junsu against the headboard, chancing on Junsu's eyes for a cue; then he sings E natural for the chorus, warming up, and lets the way Junsu's voice fits his sink into his bones like it always has.
25 April 2014
The month following the disbanding of Dong Bang Shin Ki is full of planning and packing. Yoochun and Jaejoong write down a list of things they need to take (toothbrushes, first-aid-kit, sunscreen, and: "Should we write down ourselves?" "Yeah, we should probably write down ourselves."). Yunho goes to the nearby stores and comes back with things from the growing list. Changmin gets them eco-friendly water bottles with filters and Road Trips for Dummies. Junsu's suggestion to pack the coffeemaker is vetoed due to impracticality issues. He comes back two days later with a hand-roll piano, two tacky cowboy outfits (with squirt guns and gold paper-wrapped sheriff's badge - Changmin takes one look at the plastic handcuffs and falls off his chair laughing), and a small box full of ballpoints.
They don't veto him this time; Junsu isn't sure if they really like his contributions or if they're afraid he's going to come up with even weirder things for a change.
Junsu also makes a habit of hugging his house (not band, not anymore) mates several times each day. He's indiscriminate about his recipients (victims). Every day someone gets a brief, manly hug with a side of butt-groping while someone else gets a sneaky flying tackle; snuggly hugs are reserved for the last person Junsu sees before he gets to bed, waddly hugs for good mornings (and just about any occasion during the day). Yoochun calls him a hug whore; Junsu agrees and thanks Yoochun for not groping his ass. The closer it gets to Jaejoong and Yoochun's departure, the clingier he gets.
("So I'm not just imagining it?" Jaejoong throws the apple core into the trash bin and moves to wash his hands. Beside him, Yunho watches Junsu suffocate Yoochun in the living room. He sips at his water calmly.
"He's giving you guys supersized hugs. Yoochun. And you."
Jaejoong considers this for a long time.)
Later that night, Junsu's about to play a few rounds of Mario Kart when he sees Yunho by himself on the couch, engrossed in his book. Junsu tiptoes his way towards the ex-leader from behind before wrapping his arms around Yunho's shoulders. He says nothing, just rubs his nose against Yunho's neck with a familiarity that gives him away. Then Yunho laughs and Junsu grins when he feels Yunho's fingers slip into his hair. The hair-ruffling is something he can never get tired of no matter how old he is.
"What's up, Junsu-yah?" Yunho asks after a second. Junsu almost misses the question, too comfortable draping himself all over Yunho's shoulders.
"Nothing much. Hugging." Junsu emphasizes the reply with a brief squeeze.
"Come round here so I can hug you back, then," Yunho answers, dropping his hand from Junsu's hair.
Hug whores don't refuse free hugs, so Junsu climbs over the back of the couch - careful not to get his slippers on the leather cushions - and slides down beside Yunho. "Whatcha reading?" He asks once he's staked his claim on Yunho's arm. He smiles when he feels Yunho leaning into him, sliding an arm around his waist. Mmm, cuddling. Yunho's always good for that.
"Garth Nix," Yunho replies, tongue mangling the English name. Junsu doesn't bother to show recognition of the author and stares at the cover of the book instead.
"Does it have dragons?"
"No dragons," Yunho replies, "but a kickass girl hero." Then he coughs, says, "I mean." Junsu starts laughing. Yunho shrugs. It's not like they don't know the manliness is all an image anyway.
Junsu makes exaggerated tutting noises. "No girl hero is more kickass than Xena."
"Fair point," Yunho agrees - too easily, Junsu thinks, and laughs harder.
"I can't believe I've only found out now!" He pokes Yunho's waist. "I used to have the biggest preteen crush on her."
Yunho laughs too, says, "The things you learn after a decade," and then, more seriously, "Junsu?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?" Yunho's going for the direct approach, like Junsu's expected. He takes a while contemplating his answer, considers playing dumb, but Yunho's the last person he would want to try fooling. It's silly how he still feels like he's just got caught with his hands in the several cookie jars at the same time when Yunho or Jaejoong interrogates him - especially Yunho. Technically, there's nothing Yunho can hold him responsible for anymore, but Yunho's always been more than a leader or a band appa, and Junsu finds himself resigning to honesty.
"I don't know."
Yunho's quiet, just his arm snugging tighter around Junsu's waist to show he's still listening, waiting for Junsu to elaborate. Junsu knew someone would eventually notice his sudden hugging-spree and figure something's up (it's not like he's being subtle about it). He still doesn't know how to explain it, which is why he takes another moment to word his reply.
All he comes up with is, "I don't want them to go."
There. Junsu exhales softly, feels incredibly silly for indulging himself in something so childish. It's funny to realize at twenty-seven that perhaps he's not a grown-up at all - just a teenager looking very convincing in his first prom tux.
Yunho doesn't say much for a while except, "Oh," quietly. "Why don't you?" he asks after a long couple of minutes.
"I don't know." Junsu pauses, stares at an imaginary spot on his lap, and corrects himself, "I do know. It's just that it feels really silly - I mean, they're gonna be gone for what, a few months? It's not like they're not coming back -" He knows he's fumbling his words; his mouth tends to be slower than his brain when he tries to explain something important, and yet he can't stop, "and it's not like... I just... they seem really eager to go. And you and Changminnie seem okay - and I don't know why I'm not."
"I don't really want them to go either," comes the slow reply. It makes the knot in Junsu's stomach twist just a bit tighter. "It's not just you. But they want to go, and it's like you said, too. They'll come back, Junsu-yah."
"I know." Junsu's voice is small and defeated, words no longer jumbled, "I know, really. It's just that - it's not gonna feel the same, you know? And I don't..." He hesitates, adds with an even smaller voice, like he's saying something really selfish (and perhaps he is), "We just disbanded three weeks ago. Do they have to leave so soon?"
Yunho shifts, guiding Junsu's head to his shoulder, hand finding its way into Junsu's hair again. The effect is instantaneous and Junsu feels his eyes water, breathes just a little easier. "They'll never have another chance like this," Yunho says, "after they've started working again."
Junsu knows that too; it makes him feel a little worse about himself. "All the more reason why they should go."
"Mm. But it doesn't mean you're not allowed to miss them, that we're not allowed to miss each other."
Junsu looks at him. "I will. Everyday. Do you think they'll miss us too?"
"I know they will."
Yunho sounds completely certain, and Junsu believes him like he has for the past fourteen years. He closes his eyes for a moment before snuggling closer, says quietly, "don't tell Jaejoong-hyung - or Yoochun - about this conversation?"
"I won't," Yunho says. "They'll figure out something's up, though."
"I'll just tell them that I'll really, really, really, with a side of super-sized soda and triple cheeseburger, miss them." It isn't like he's going to stop hug-squishing them after this conversation.
Yunho smiles. "That might just work," he says, "since they probably think it already."
Junsu hums his approval and puts his chin on Yunho's shoulder, biting the inside of his right cheek (a habit he's picked up from Jaejoong) as he contemplates something. It isn't until Yunho looks at him that he asks, "Can we have all our dogs back in the house now?"
Yunho makes a thoughtful noise, then a happy one. "Yeah," he says. Junsu's already grinning before Yunho adds, "We can convince Harangie and Vick they love us best after all."
27 April 2014
Junsu notices that Jaejoong cooks more often as his departure grows near. Junsu also notices that Yoochun sticks to his piano for hours everyday. While he enjoys the food and the music, he hates that it implies those things are not going to stay for long. Pots, pans, and pianos - predictors of parting. Junsu swallows the lump in his throat and deals with hugs, more hugs, and making a parting gift for his hyungs. This particular parting gift is burning when someone walks into the room. He stiffens and swivels on his chair, blocking the view to his laptop screen with his back. He's met with Yoochun, who has his eyebrows raised curiously. Junsu swallows.
"Hey."
Yoochun nods at him, then towards the computer. "What's that?" he asks as he takes another step forward, craning his head and clearly trying to peek. Junsu flails a bit before sliding backwards to sit on his desk, butt hovering dangerously close to the keyboard.
"No- nothing! It's a secret!" He says quickly.
"... Right." Yoochun doesn't try to peek again, but the way he eyes Junsu makes him feel a bit fidgety. Pulling up another chair, Yoochun straddles it backwards and crosses his arms over the backrest. "So," he says.
"So?" Junsu peeks over his shoulder, and, upon finding out that the CD has, indeed, finished burning, he quickly pops it out of his laptop and into a thin, flashy-looking green case.
"Making love mixes?" Yoochun says, the teasing evident in his voice. "You're such a girl."
Junsu wrinkles his nose at him and puts the CD away in a safe place before sliding back to his chair. "I'm just in touch with my femininity because I'm not afraid of it." He tugs on a strand of Yoochun's hair (they've grown unruly since there have been no stylist-vultures hovering over them anymore, but Yoochun still pulls it off in his dandy-boy way - homeless, dandy-boy way). "Unlike some people."
Yoochun snorts. "In other words," he says, batting away Junsu's hand before pointing a finger at him emphatically. "You're a girl. It's okay, I get it. I read the news, I know about sexual identity crises." He pats Junsu on the shoulder, clenching his other hand to his chest. "I'm glad you trust me enough to let me in during this difficult part of your life. If you need financial aid for gender reassignment surgery - I'm your guy."
"Yah." It's Junsu's turn to bat away Yoochun's hand. Clutching the fingers with both hands, he gives Yoochun the phoniest sympathetic look he can manage. "Don't project your desire onto me. I know it's hard, but denial's not the way to go."
Yoochun sighs loudly, sounding very woebegone (and entirely too dramatic for Junsu's taste). Then he looks at Junsu with a mixture of seriousness, regret, and imploration. "I'm sorry, 'Su. I just don't like the junk in your trunk." He bursts into laughter right afterwards, leaning heavily onto the chair while Junsu blinks.
"That... was so bad," Junsu deadpans a la Changmin, "new lows."
But Yoochun still takes a while to stop laughing, somewhat of a feat since every time he looks up at Junsu's face, he just starts up again. "What, it was totally funny," he says belatedly, still snickering a little. "I didn't mean to insult your lady lumps, okay?" This time, Yoochun puts a hand over his mouth but the shaking of his shoulders is obvious. Junsu narrows his eyes.
"Wait 'til my humps getchu drunk." He lifts his chin up and gives Yoochun his haughtiest stare.
"That's... really gross, Junsu." Yoochun makes a face. "Think I'll be glad to be a million miles away from your big butt if that's your ploy."
"They're not big. They're bubbly." And they still are, even at twenty-seven years old.
Yoochun makes another face before holding up his hands. "Can we not talk about your backside anymore? It's really disturbing and I'd like to be able to sleep for the rest of my life."
That makes Junsu laugh. "Fine," he says, "just know that a lot of people are crazy 'bout this junk." A lot of delusional people, but people nonetheless.
"Yeah, only crazy people would want that," Yoochun says, pointing at Junsu's butt. "Which is good, I guess." He rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I mean, if you hadn't been around, it wouldn't have been as easy figuring out if a fan was sane or not."
Junsu has no comeback for that, so he tugs on Yoochun's sleeve and pouts, "Are you here just to make fun of me or what?"
Yoochun opens his mouth and for a second, looks like he's going to keep making fun of Junsu, but then he just closes it without saying anything and puts his chin on the chair again. "Or what, I guess," he says a couple seconds later. It's the familiar kind of pause that makes Junsu just a little worried.
"Yeah?" He asks softly, reaching over to brush back Yoochun's bangs from his forehead. "What what?"
Sighing, Yoochun picks at a loose thread on Junsu's jeans. "Dunno what what," he answers. "Thought you would know what what." There's that feeling of familiarity again and this time Junsu's expected it. Yoochun and he, they've always been somewhat similar. Perhaps that's why it's always been easy for him to feel comfortable with Yoochun.
"Not as excited about leaving as you thought you would be?"
Yoochun shrugs and pulls the loose thread off, letting it fall onto the floor. He starts a new one. "I'm still excited about it," he mumbles, except Junsu can hear a silent 'but' attached to it. Junsu lets out a soft breath and runs his fingers through Yoochun's hair, smoothing it sideways.
"Didn't want you gone, either. Until yesterday," he mumbles, sounding sheepish and just a bit rueful.
Yoochun cracks a small smile and closes his eyes, leaning into Junsu's hand. "What happened yesterday?"
"I got a dose of appa lovin'."
"Jealous," Yoochun murmurs, peeking out one eye. "Though should I be worried about being not missed anymore? Since you want me gone now."
"Silly goose." Junsu returns to tugging on a strand of Yoochun's hair. "I still don't want you gone... but it's not good-bye, right? It's just a see-you-later - a long one." Junsu's voice is soft and sad, but he smiles at Yoochun. "You'll be all right. We'll be all right."
"Yeah," Yoochun answers, hand stilling over Junsu's knee to curl over it. "And I think I still know how to work a phone."
Junsu takes Yoochun's hand and flips it over, stroking his thumb against the skin of the half-open palm. "And e-mails. And postcards. And chats. Just don't forget to write."
"So old-fashioned," Yoochun replies, and Junsu keeps stroking until Yoochun's fingers wrap around his thumb tightly. "I'll write from every city."
There's a grin - and then Junsu leans in to give a quick kiss on the other's cheek. "Then I'll try not to wish for your untimely demise."
Yoochun's tongue makes an appearance as he pretends to gag, other hand coming up to wipe at his cheek. "Uhh, thanks. I think. Guess I might not bring the Junsu-shaped voodoo doll after all."
"I hope you at least made it with the right scale and proportion." Junsu sticks out his tongue. "My butt is serious business."
"It's so huge, I might need to check it separately."
"You're just jealous."
"Don't know if it'll even fit in the trunk," Yoochun continues, as if Junsu hadn't said anything at all. "Do you know where we can rent trailers? Do voodoo dolls still work if they get disassembled then reassembled?
"They might. But whachu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?"
Yoochun gets up from the chair and leans in until their faces are almost touching. Junsu holds his ground. Yoochun opens his mouth and - turns around to walk out of the room, singing, "I'ma make make make make you scream."
"Yoochun!" Junsu calls, after a confused beat, jumping off of the desk, CD forgotten as he goes after Yoochun. "Come back here! That's not how it goes! It's I'ma make make make make you scream - not you! Are you listening to me? PARK YOOCHUN!"
20 May 2014 02:13 AM
The last night before Jaejoong and Yoochun are to fly out, Changmin finds himself unable to sleep. Part of it could be chalked up to the fact that he didn't eat much during dinner (he shocked everyone with that one, pleaded that he wasn't feeling well; it was half-true and no one argued with him). Changmin doesn't want to dwell on the other part. He shuffles into the kitchen, hand rubbing at his stomach and the other tousling his bed hair. Changmin leans against the cool ceramic of the bar that stretches along the kitchen - it feels empty, and it'll feel even emptier after tomorrow.
The off-key silence stretching through the apartment gets broken abruptly by the smack of a body part against a flat surface, followed by a loud, "fuckingjesuschrist." Jaejoong's barely visible as he walks into the dark kitchen entrance, rubbing his hurt elbow. "Changmin?"
Changmin shifts, as sheepish as he'll allow himself to get. "Yeah. What are you doing up, hyung?" he asks, squinting. "And what did you run into?"
"Packing. Then a weird dream. Then more packing. Then I heard you milling around and my door got in my way." Jaejoong yawns into one hand, gropes around for the light switch with the other.
Changmin groans and squints again, this time against the light that floods the room. "Aish, that's really bright, yeah," he mumbles, rubbing his eyes, glad he's got the counter for support. "Bad weird dream?" he asks.
Jaejoong shrugs a shoulder, fingers drumming restlessly against his thigh. "I was at the airport, it was empty, and I'd lost Yoochun somewhere and I had to go through security alone but they wouldn't let me have any of my things back, and none of you were there but you kept calling me on a payphone and telling me I'd left the gas on." Jaejoong's voice doesn't sound very off throughout the entire explanation, but Changmin stays silent anyway, not sure what to say. Jaejoong's dream tilts him further into earlier thoughts; he hasn't outright told Jaejoong he'll miss him - and it's there, truth on the tip of his tongue, but Changmin's still not awake enough for the words to come out making any sort of sense. He'll just trip all over himself, and most likely, Jaejoong as well.
Jaejoong brushes past Changmin on his way to the fridge, just a small, nonchalant thing. "So, you hungry?"
Changmin's stomach answers for him, having been neglected throughout the conversation. "I don't think I need to answer that one, hyung," he says, chin propped up in a hand. He pauses, then, "I'm going to miss you. And this." Keeps it simple, no tripping.
Jaejoong looks back; there's a small, visible flash of startlement, before it bleeds into a wide, sleepy smile. "I'll miss you too. You and your black hole stomach," he says, and takes the leftovers out to shove gracelessly into the microwave. Changmin can't stop - doesn't want to stop - the wide curve of his lips in return, smiling at Jaejoong's lack of finesse in the kitchen during the wee hours of the morning. Some things won't change.
He hops up onto one of the barstools, miraculously managing not to miss and fall over in his still somewhat drowsy state, and spends a moment just watching Jaejoong, the last time he'll get to do so for a while. "I'm thinking I should never allow myself to go without a healthy supply of food ever again," he remarks absently, determined to chase away all these brooding thoughts - Yoochun's contagious.
Jaejoong leans back low against the counter, yawning again, and Changmin watches him watching the microwave as it hums. Jaejoong reaches out without looking to smack Changmin's arm lightly. "You shouldn't. Especially not when I'm not around to baby you."
"It'll be even harder then, hyung," Changmin says softly, not meaning to be vulnerable; just honest. "Think I may be grown up enough to try, though."
Jaejoong's hand hasn't left where it connected with Changmin's shoulder; after a few seconds, it slides down to take Changmin's wrist, swinging. "Don't grow up too much, yeah?" Jaejoong says. "Still need someone to baby when I get back."
Changmin grins. "We'll see," he says, tilting his head to the side, cocky, "I might like being grown-up, for a change." He leans in conspiratorially. "Someone's got to be the grown-up around here, while you're gone."
Jaejoong laughs. "Hey, at least let them pretend they're big kids now."
Changmin's reminded of the American jingle, and decides two a.m.'s not such a bad time to burst into random song, choppy English and sleep-roughened voice aside. It makes Jaejoong laugh again, loud in the kitchen now that the microwave's stopped and everything's gone still. Jaejoong pushes off the counter to get the leftovers, then turns with his free arm reaching out.
"Hug? In congratulations for becoming potty-trained."
Changmin pauses just to be cheeky, then slides into Jaejoong's outstretched arm, both arms wound tight around Jaejoong's waist. "Only going to be mushy this once," he says, voice catching slightly.
Jaejoong sets the food down, and hugs Changmin back right after, squeezing. "Save some for the airport," he says, and it's the gentleness there that breaks Changmin just a little more inside. "God, I always forget how tall you are."
Changmin breathes in slowly, gaining back a little control over himself. He leans back, grinning. "Part of growing up," he says softly, brushing Jaejoong's bangs out of his eyes. On impulse, he brushes his lips against Jaejoong's bared forehead. "Better baby me a lot when you come back. Excepting bibs and diapers."
Jaejoong looks up at Changmin with a soft smile, saying nothing about the kiss. Changmin's glad. "Baby carriage?"
Changmin's lips twist to hold back laughter at the mental image of being crammed into a baby carriage; it's not a pretty sight. "Unless you're thinking of a super-duper, deluxe-sized Changmin one, I think that's a no-go as well, hyung," he replies, thinking his mushy is lasting a little longer than he originally planned for it to. He doesn't mind, not that much.
Jaejoong breathes out like he's disappointed. He tilts his head towards the plastic container on the counter, humor in his eyes. "So we're left with food-style babying, huh."
Changmin raises a brow, a little reluctant to leave Jaejoong. He's not going to have this for months, so he might as well take advantage while he can. "In the form of feeding me?" he quips, twirling a lock of Jaejoong's hair around a finger idly.
"I'll even wipe your mouth for you," Jaejoong replies.
Changmin tugs at the lock lightly, flashing teeth 100-watt, then slips out of Jaejoong's arms to avoid the probable one touch. "Have you been taking lessons from Yoochun-hyung?" he asks casually, though it's anything but.
Even with the new distance, Jaejoong hits Changmin's shoulder anyway, snickering. "Eat your dinner, perv."
Changmin slides back onto the barstool obediently, though it wouldn't have taken much persuading otherwise - he's starving. Having settled some of the thoughts taking free-falling dives in his mind, his stomach's more than happy to take control again. He reaches over to the jar holding a few packages of chopsticks they nabbed from restaurants and grabs one, opening it and breaking the wooden sticks open with a barely audible crack of wood. "Sit with me?" Changmin says, patting the stool next to him.
Jaejoong sits, sprawling forward against the counter. He smiles again, tired and genuine. "Yeah, always."
Changmin gives the smile right back, fiddling with the chopsticks for a few moments before his hunger pretty much forces him to turn away from Jaejoong and eat. "When you come back," he says in between his fifth and sixth bite, chew and swallow, "I'll probably be able to cook more than just ramen. We'll have to make a celebratory dinner."
"You should learn how to make all of our favorites while we're away," Jaejoong says, his head in his arms.
Changmin grins around a mouthful of select choices from his late-night bibimbap, then after he's polite enough to speak, "Have it all planned out already, hyung." He taps the chopsticks against his lips, licking off a stray grain of rice. "Plus a few more surprises," he adds, devious.
Jaejoong shudders, exaggerated. "What kind of surprises?"
"Surprises," Changmin answers, giving away nothing in his tone. He plays a little ditty against the tip of Jaejoong's nose with his chopsticks-turned-drumsticks, then returns to his bibimbap, lips still quirked a bit as Jaejoong rubs his nose, indignant. The quiet rolls on for a minute longer, before Jaejoong breaks it as usual.
"Hey, if I leave the gas on tomorrow, you should tell me before I leave."
20 May 2014 10:32 AM
Jaejoong hates packing. He's spent hours throughout the week, cross-legged on the floor, trying to pick out needed clothes and needed music. Toiletries and emergency care and travel information and cash. His cellphone and laptop and camera. Gratuitous boxes of Pocky, Chocopies, and a deck of cards. The last night, he falls asleep like that, curled up between his bed and suitcase, hugging his favorite pair of jeans, a bottle of aspirin next to his feet.
In the morning, someone else is making breakfast. Their flight's in a few hours and Jaejoong still needs to take a shower, call people, finish deciding which things in his life he can live without. But one of Yunho's novels is lying on his shut suitcase, a bookmark that reads on the back, for whenever Yoochun gets too boring. A burned CD on his pillow with no title or tracklist, just a sticky note from Junsu, 'Don't listen to this until you start driving (with Yoochun)'. Nothing from Changmin, until the bathroom mirror shows Jaejoong his skin vandalized with purple marker, a French mustache and a few other more obscene things that the magnae should know nothing about.
"Brat," Jaejoong says out loud, rubbing his hair, fondly irate, and shuffles down the hallway for not-as-lethal-as-they-look-I-promise farewell pancakes. Doesn't need a suitcase to take some things with him.
20 May 2014; 03:37 PM
Yunho, Junsu and Changmin crowd into the car to drive Yoochun and Jaejoong to the airport for the start of their grand adventure. They've said goodbye to their families already, and now it's just the five of them, trying not to make a scene in front of the security checkpoint.
"Don't forget to call!" Yunho says.
"Or email. Write. I want a postcard from every town!" Changmin adds, the warning note in his voice more than obvious. "And lots of pictures."
"Forget postcards, I want presents," Junsu says, grinning, and successfully diverts Yoochun's incipient crying jag.
But Yoochun starts tearing up anyway when they get up to the security guard and the other three have to duck out of line because they're not allowed any further. He gets a funny look from the man sitting behind the counter as he hands over his passport and boarding pass, hopes that he still looks like himself even while sporting red eyes.
Jaejoong touches a hand to his back and Yoochun shuffles forward to dump his stuff into the bins for screening.
"Hey!"
Yoochun turns around to see Junsu holding out a book over the security line. He ignores another guard's not-so-subtle look of exasperation and goes to take it, grinning when he sees that it's the book of oyaji gags from all those years ago.
"Learn some yourself already and stop copying me."
Yoochun hugs Junsu like he wants to squeeze him to death, sniffling particularly loud and not caring.
"Dummy," Junsu murmurs against his shoulder. "Did someone forget to tell you that you're coming back?"
"Come on, you big baby." Even on the verge of turning 28, Yoochun's still the one who needs the hand-holding, sometimes literally, and he grabs onto Jaejoong's and lets himself be tugged away.
The other side of the metal detectors already feels like the other side of the world and if Jaejoong's no longer tugging on purpose, Yoochun isn't going to say anything about it. He isn't sure how long they stand there before Yunho takes out his phone and Jaejoong answers his, putting it on speaker.
"Your plane starts boarding in five minutes. Get out of here." In the background, Yoochun hears Junsu and Changmin giving last-minute commentary ("I bet they're going to join the mile high club." "They're so classy." "Didn't you and Yoochun-hyung join it last year?" "Hey!" Smack.), and rolls his eyes but is ultimately unable to keep the smile off his face.
Even though he has Junsu's book in one hand and Jaejoong in the other, Yoochun still doesn't find it any easier to leave. But his legs no longer feel like blocks of cement anymore and yeah, they'll be back before they know it.
He lets go of Jaejoong's hand briefly to reach over and close his phone, making him hang up on the other three. Ignoring Jaejoong's confused glance, he takes a deep breath and puts on a big grin.
"They'll understand," he says. "Let's go."
20 May 2014 04:25 PM
From the glass window that looms over the three of them, it almost feels like they're watching the world. And maybe they are - part of their world is leaving them, hopping onto a plane and sailing off to wonders unknown. Changmin's being melodramatic, he knows, but it can't be helped right now - not when his heart's a huge lump in his throat and he can't swallow it back down. Yunho's at his side, and he slides an arm around Yunho's waist, smiles as Yunho mimics the movement with Junsu, drawing them all together. They stand there, linked, and gaze out through the glass, transparent copies of themselves staring back at them. "Can't believe it's really happening," Changmin murmurs, needing to break the silence.
"They'll be back soon," Yunho replies, turning towards Changmin and sounding perfectly confident, though Changmin catches the way his arm tightens around Junsu; Yunho's body has always been the thing that gives him away. Changmin doesn't add anything else, because he knows it's perfectly true. He just can't help wishing they had a remote control to fast-forward to that point. Or maybe rewind and live Dong Bang Shin Ki all over again. He looks past himself, at the plane that's slowly backing out, and tightens his arm around Yunho's waist just a little, as well; on impulse, he starts humming 'Proud'.
Yunho quirks a smile and, being the sap that he is, starts humming along; after a moment Junsu joins in, though Changmin catches the sheen in his eyes when he looks over. Even though there's two parts of the harmony missing, the song still holds the same sentiment, still brings a soft smile to Changmin's face as he remembers that infamous performance where nearly all of them ended up crying on the stage. Even then, with parts of the harmony gone, they still managed to go on with the song. And even now, the three of them will manage to go on with their lives. Besides, he told Yoochun they'd be with him and Jaejoong every step of the way, and he meant it.
"So," Changmin says, when their quiet humming comes to a stop, "how long do you think it'll be before their first argument?"
November 2013 - March 2014
A farewell tour, a party or several, some tears and a lot of laughter.
A map of the US travels with them, the five of them planning out a route winding through cities and towns and miles of nowhere, a future. By the end of the tour, they all know the plan well enough to recite it, a shared chain of names that'll hold them together even when two of them are on a different continent (9577.48 kilometers away and growing).
28 December 2013
The Singapore concert is three days before New Year. For some reason, Yunho finds the post-concert dip harder that day, takes himself out on the balcony when they get back to the suite to lean on the railing while he tells himself that he's being silly for brooding over the prospect of having a real Christmas and New Year holiday, this time next year.
He's been out there for maybe ten minutes, he hasn't really been keeping track, when there's the sound of the glass door sliding open even more and then someone clearing their throat to announce their presence.
Yunho turns enough to confirm that it's Yoochun, hair damp from a shower with the towel still around his shoulders, and says, "Hey," quietly before he turns back to look out over the city, though not so much that he can't keep an eye on Yoochun too.
He catches the face Yoochun makes as he shuffles his way closer to Yunho, and then the next one, a little more nervous, as Yoochun takes precarious steps towards the railing. Thirty-seven floors is pretty high, and Yoochun's not a fan of heights; Yunho appreciates the thought it must've taken to get Yoochun out here. "What's up?" Yoochun asks once he's got his hands firmly gripping the bar, and Yunho puts a hand out to cover one for extra security. "It's hot out here, hyung."
"Brooding," Yunho says with a shrug and a sheepish smile. "Thinking about what happens when it's all over."
"Can find out what being lazy is like," Yoochun suggests.
Yunho's smile turns fond, and he leans towards Yoochun a little. "You would think of that," he says. "Lazy's not my strong point, though."
When Yoochun grins, Yunho shakes his head, pretty sure he knows what's coming next. "Lucky for you, laziness can be taught," Yoochun says brightly.
"Going to teach me, then?" Yunho asks, playing along, letting Yoochun's smile get rid of the brooding for the meantime.
Yoochun makes a hard noise in his throat and scoffs. "Looking at the master," he says matter-of-factly.
Yunho sneaks an arm around Yoochun's waist, leaning in close because while it is warm out here, Yoochun's warmth is a different kind, and he'll miss it when Yoochun's off halfway across the world. Even if that's still five months away, he plans to store up as much of it as he can. "Master, hm?" he asks, a little belated.
Smiling, Yoochun throws an arm around Yunho's shoulders and extracts his hand from underneath Yunho's to gesture at his own face. "Can't get more masterful than this, hyung."
Yunho smiles back at him, says sweetly, "You're the laziest person I know, Yoochun," then laughs as Yoochun pretends to wipe away a tear.
"I've been waiting to hear you say that for so long," Yoochun says tightly, clutching a fist to his chest. Yunho just shakes his head at the melodrama of it all, muttering under his breath about Yoochun waiting for very strange things.
"They're not kicking us out, you know," Yoochun says after a few beats of silence, tapping his fingers on top of the railing. "They wouldn't have given you that offer if you were useless. Besides, we can figure out what it's like to not be exhausted all the time, too."
"I know," Yunho says in reply, reaching to catch Yoochun's tapping fingers in his own and fitting them together. "But I'm really going to miss this. Miss all of you. Even if we're all living together still, it won't be the same, you know?" He doesn't say anything about the not having Jaejoong and Yoochun at all for a few months.
Yoochun squeezes Yunho's hand, looking out instead of at Yunho, and Yunho turns a little more towards him to study his profile, and the glint of city lights in his eyes. "Not the same, but we can make it even better. So we won't have to miss this."
"When'd you get so wise?" Yunho asks, squeezing back at Yoochun's hand.
Yoochun looks back at him flatly. "Who do you think I am? Junsu?"
Yunho bites back a chuckle, cocking his head in false innocence. "Not like you to imply Junsu's wise."
"Hey!" Yoochun makes a face like he's about to gag and Yunho loses his innocent face in favour of quiet laughter. "Meant I've always been wise, unlike Junsu. I just don't brag about my abilities like Changmin does. Modesty, you know. That's me, too."
"Modest and wise," Yunho says, nodding, still laughing. "That sounds like you all right."
Yoochun sighs and hangs his head. "Your sarcasm, it wounds." But then he glances up, squeezes Yunho's shoulders in a pseudo-hug that Yunho reciprocates. "Gonna be all right, yeah?"
"Will be fine," Yunho replies, summoning up his most reassuring smile, helped by the fact that he means it. Can't be anything but fine, as long as he has them all, as long as he knows they'll come back to him. "Let's go inside, Yoochun-ah, and you can start giving me those lessons in laziness."
03 March 2014
They're reaching the end of their tour, and each day Jaejoong picks up another stupid habit he thought he'd gotten rid of years ago. Today it's mauling the inside of his cheek like a little kid as he grabs his portable tape recorder off the hotel nightstand and goes across the hall. Junsu's tucked in, reading his latest manhwa, and Jaejoong launches himself onto the end of the bed, and onto Junsu's feet, which get trapped snugly under his stomach.
"Hey, stranger," Jaejoong greets once he's comfortable.
Junsu lowers the book in his hands and looks at Jaejoong, for a second the perfect picture of a deer caught in the headlights. Then the customary grin sweeps over his face and he wiggles his toes under Jaejoong's tummy. "Why, hello. Come here often?" It's a tone that clearly says 'Yoochun taught me this', and just like that, the anxious feelings that have been snowballing for the past few weeks drain off for a moment.
"Only to see your pretty face," Jaejoong answers, kissy face and all.
Junsu's grin widens and Jaejoong can feel his toes wriggling again. "Oh, that's the kind of compliment that gets you places."
Jaejoong sees the window and doesn't hesitate to jump through it. He taps the tape recorder lightly against Junsu's thigh through the blanket. "How about places where you sing into a metal box for me?"
Junsu quiets down, then, traces of fake-greasiness disappearing, replaced with something Jaejoong can't quite figure out. "Why?"
Jaejoong shrugs, twirling a loose thread around his index finger, and says lamely, "I like your voice."
It's not like he's lying. The tape recorder is out of one part affection for Junsu's voice, two parts affection for what Junsu's voice means, and if Jaejoong's not going to have the chance to stand on stage with him again, exhausting and exhilarating while Junsu's voice makes up for everything his own lacks, he at least wants something tangible to keep, some dumb and sentimental half-rate copy. Maybe when he's on the other side of the world, he'll sing along to it.
There's another pause - a millisecond gleam of emotion in Junsu's eyes. There's also a smile, but after ten years, Jaejoong's known not to judge from the surface smiles and learned laughter. Junsu's always been good at hiding his feelings, but he needs an outlet - fidgety fingers, wriggling toes. "I like your voice, too." He finally says.
Jaejoong sneaks a hand under the blankets to touch the bottom of Junsu's foot - the faintest tickle, just a light I'm here more than anything else. He doesn't want to mess this up. "So how about your voice and my voice hook up in a metal box sometime."
It seems to calm Junsu down, if only a little. He smiles, tugs Jaejoong closer, says, "As long as you're singing with me."
Jaejoong shrugs. "I don't want to stop singing with you," he admits.
"Neither do I." Junsu takes the tape recorder in Jaejoong's hand, fingers the smooth edge. "What are we going to sing?"
Jaejoong twists his mouth as he thinks, looking from Junsu's eyes to his hands. "Do you remember Thanks to?" It's still his favorite from their first album.
Junsu grins and nods, "It's such a sweet song."
"I know," Jaejoong says, a little cheeky, as he reaches to push record. It's okay if it's catching a piece of conversation; he likes Junsu's speaking voice too.
Junsu looks at the recorder, clears his throat, and then, with what Jaejoong recognizes as his best Bigeaststation voice, "This is for Jaejoong-hyung, so he doesn't feel too lonely when Yoochun's off angsting - I mean, writing somewhere by himself."
Jaejoong half-smiles, because loneliness is pretty much what this all boils down to. He moves, sitting next to Junsu against the headboard, chancing on Junsu's eyes for a cue; then he sings E natural for the chorus, warming up, and lets the way Junsu's voice fits his sink into his bones like it always has.
25 April 2014
The month following the disbanding of Dong Bang Shin Ki is full of planning and packing. Yoochun and Jaejoong write down a list of things they need to take (toothbrushes, first-aid-kit, sunscreen, and: "Should we write down ourselves?" "Yeah, we should probably write down ourselves."). Yunho goes to the nearby stores and comes back with things from the growing list. Changmin gets them eco-friendly water bottles with filters and Road Trips for Dummies. Junsu's suggestion to pack the coffeemaker is vetoed due to impracticality issues. He comes back two days later with a hand-roll piano, two tacky cowboy outfits (with squirt guns and gold paper-wrapped sheriff's badge - Changmin takes one look at the plastic handcuffs and falls off his chair laughing), and a small box full of ballpoints.
They don't veto him this time; Junsu isn't sure if they really like his contributions or if they're afraid he's going to come up with even weirder things for a change.
Junsu also makes a habit of hugging his house (not band, not anymore) mates several times each day. He's indiscriminate about his recipients (victims). Every day someone gets a brief, manly hug with a side of butt-groping while someone else gets a sneaky flying tackle; snuggly hugs are reserved for the last person Junsu sees before he gets to bed, waddly hugs for good mornings (and just about any occasion during the day). Yoochun calls him a hug whore; Junsu agrees and thanks Yoochun for not groping his ass. The closer it gets to Jaejoong and Yoochun's departure, the clingier he gets.
("So I'm not just imagining it?" Jaejoong throws the apple core into the trash bin and moves to wash his hands. Beside him, Yunho watches Junsu suffocate Yoochun in the living room. He sips at his water calmly.
"He's giving you guys supersized hugs. Yoochun. And you."
Jaejoong considers this for a long time.)
Later that night, Junsu's about to play a few rounds of Mario Kart when he sees Yunho by himself on the couch, engrossed in his book. Junsu tiptoes his way towards the ex-leader from behind before wrapping his arms around Yunho's shoulders. He says nothing, just rubs his nose against Yunho's neck with a familiarity that gives him away. Then Yunho laughs and Junsu grins when he feels Yunho's fingers slip into his hair. The hair-ruffling is something he can never get tired of no matter how old he is.
"What's up, Junsu-yah?" Yunho asks after a second. Junsu almost misses the question, too comfortable draping himself all over Yunho's shoulders.
"Nothing much. Hugging." Junsu emphasizes the reply with a brief squeeze.
"Come round here so I can hug you back, then," Yunho answers, dropping his hand from Junsu's hair.
Hug whores don't refuse free hugs, so Junsu climbs over the back of the couch - careful not to get his slippers on the leather cushions - and slides down beside Yunho. "Whatcha reading?" He asks once he's staked his claim on Yunho's arm. He smiles when he feels Yunho leaning into him, sliding an arm around his waist. Mmm, cuddling. Yunho's always good for that.
"Garth Nix," Yunho replies, tongue mangling the English name. Junsu doesn't bother to show recognition of the author and stares at the cover of the book instead.
"Does it have dragons?"
"No dragons," Yunho replies, "but a kickass girl hero." Then he coughs, says, "I mean." Junsu starts laughing. Yunho shrugs. It's not like they don't know the manliness is all an image anyway.
Junsu makes exaggerated tutting noises. "No girl hero is more kickass than Xena."
"Fair point," Yunho agrees - too easily, Junsu thinks, and laughs harder.
"I can't believe I've only found out now!" He pokes Yunho's waist. "I used to have the biggest preteen crush on her."
Yunho laughs too, says, "The things you learn after a decade," and then, more seriously, "Junsu?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?" Yunho's going for the direct approach, like Junsu's expected. He takes a while contemplating his answer, considers playing dumb, but Yunho's the last person he would want to try fooling. It's silly how he still feels like he's just got caught with his hands in the several cookie jars at the same time when Yunho or Jaejoong interrogates him - especially Yunho. Technically, there's nothing Yunho can hold him responsible for anymore, but Yunho's always been more than a leader or a band appa, and Junsu finds himself resigning to honesty.
"I don't know."
Yunho's quiet, just his arm snugging tighter around Junsu's waist to show he's still listening, waiting for Junsu to elaborate. Junsu knew someone would eventually notice his sudden hugging-spree and figure something's up (it's not like he's being subtle about it). He still doesn't know how to explain it, which is why he takes another moment to word his reply.
All he comes up with is, "I don't want them to go."
There. Junsu exhales softly, feels incredibly silly for indulging himself in something so childish. It's funny to realize at twenty-seven that perhaps he's not a grown-up at all - just a teenager looking very convincing in his first prom tux.
Yunho doesn't say much for a while except, "Oh," quietly. "Why don't you?" he asks after a long couple of minutes.
"I don't know." Junsu pauses, stares at an imaginary spot on his lap, and corrects himself, "I do know. It's just that it feels really silly - I mean, they're gonna be gone for what, a few months? It's not like they're not coming back -" He knows he's fumbling his words; his mouth tends to be slower than his brain when he tries to explain something important, and yet he can't stop, "and it's not like... I just... they seem really eager to go. And you and Changminnie seem okay - and I don't know why I'm not."
"I don't really want them to go either," comes the slow reply. It makes the knot in Junsu's stomach twist just a bit tighter. "It's not just you. But they want to go, and it's like you said, too. They'll come back, Junsu-yah."
"I know." Junsu's voice is small and defeated, words no longer jumbled, "I know, really. It's just that - it's not gonna feel the same, you know? And I don't..." He hesitates, adds with an even smaller voice, like he's saying something really selfish (and perhaps he is), "We just disbanded three weeks ago. Do they have to leave so soon?"
Yunho shifts, guiding Junsu's head to his shoulder, hand finding its way into Junsu's hair again. The effect is instantaneous and Junsu feels his eyes water, breathes just a little easier. "They'll never have another chance like this," Yunho says, "after they've started working again."
Junsu knows that too; it makes him feel a little worse about himself. "All the more reason why they should go."
"Mm. But it doesn't mean you're not allowed to miss them, that we're not allowed to miss each other."
Junsu looks at him. "I will. Everyday. Do you think they'll miss us too?"
"I know they will."
Yunho sounds completely certain, and Junsu believes him like he has for the past fourteen years. He closes his eyes for a moment before snuggling closer, says quietly, "don't tell Jaejoong-hyung - or Yoochun - about this conversation?"
"I won't," Yunho says. "They'll figure out something's up, though."
"I'll just tell them that I'll really, really, really, with a side of super-sized soda and triple cheeseburger, miss them." It isn't like he's going to stop hug-squishing them after this conversation.
Yunho smiles. "That might just work," he says, "since they probably think it already."
Junsu hums his approval and puts his chin on Yunho's shoulder, biting the inside of his right cheek (a habit he's picked up from Jaejoong) as he contemplates something. It isn't until Yunho looks at him that he asks, "Can we have all our dogs back in the house now?"
Yunho makes a thoughtful noise, then a happy one. "Yeah," he says. Junsu's already grinning before Yunho adds, "We can convince Harangie and Vick they love us best after all."
27 April 2014
Junsu notices that Jaejoong cooks more often as his departure grows near. Junsu also notices that Yoochun sticks to his piano for hours everyday. While he enjoys the food and the music, he hates that it implies those things are not going to stay for long. Pots, pans, and pianos - predictors of parting. Junsu swallows the lump in his throat and deals with hugs, more hugs, and making a parting gift for his hyungs. This particular parting gift is burning when someone walks into the room. He stiffens and swivels on his chair, blocking the view to his laptop screen with his back. He's met with Yoochun, who has his eyebrows raised curiously. Junsu swallows.
"Hey."
Yoochun nods at him, then towards the computer. "What's that?" he asks as he takes another step forward, craning his head and clearly trying to peek. Junsu flails a bit before sliding backwards to sit on his desk, butt hovering dangerously close to the keyboard.
"No- nothing! It's a secret!" He says quickly.
"... Right." Yoochun doesn't try to peek again, but the way he eyes Junsu makes him feel a bit fidgety. Pulling up another chair, Yoochun straddles it backwards and crosses his arms over the backrest. "So," he says.
"So?" Junsu peeks over his shoulder, and, upon finding out that the CD has, indeed, finished burning, he quickly pops it out of his laptop and into a thin, flashy-looking green case.
"Making love mixes?" Yoochun says, the teasing evident in his voice. "You're such a girl."
Junsu wrinkles his nose at him and puts the CD away in a safe place before sliding back to his chair. "I'm just in touch with my femininity because I'm not afraid of it." He tugs on a strand of Yoochun's hair (they've grown unruly since there have been no stylist-vultures hovering over them anymore, but Yoochun still pulls it off in his dandy-boy way - homeless, dandy-boy way). "Unlike some people."
Yoochun snorts. "In other words," he says, batting away Junsu's hand before pointing a finger at him emphatically. "You're a girl. It's okay, I get it. I read the news, I know about sexual identity crises." He pats Junsu on the shoulder, clenching his other hand to his chest. "I'm glad you trust me enough to let me in during this difficult part of your life. If you need financial aid for gender reassignment surgery - I'm your guy."
"Yah." It's Junsu's turn to bat away Yoochun's hand. Clutching the fingers with both hands, he gives Yoochun the phoniest sympathetic look he can manage. "Don't project your desire onto me. I know it's hard, but denial's not the way to go."
Yoochun sighs loudly, sounding very woebegone (and entirely too dramatic for Junsu's taste). Then he looks at Junsu with a mixture of seriousness, regret, and imploration. "I'm sorry, 'Su. I just don't like the junk in your trunk." He bursts into laughter right afterwards, leaning heavily onto the chair while Junsu blinks.
"That... was so bad," Junsu deadpans a la Changmin, "new lows."
But Yoochun still takes a while to stop laughing, somewhat of a feat since every time he looks up at Junsu's face, he just starts up again. "What, it was totally funny," he says belatedly, still snickering a little. "I didn't mean to insult your lady lumps, okay?" This time, Yoochun puts a hand over his mouth but the shaking of his shoulders is obvious. Junsu narrows his eyes.
"Wait 'til my humps getchu drunk." He lifts his chin up and gives Yoochun his haughtiest stare.
"That's... really gross, Junsu." Yoochun makes a face. "Think I'll be glad to be a million miles away from your big butt if that's your ploy."
"They're not big. They're bubbly." And they still are, even at twenty-seven years old.
Yoochun makes another face before holding up his hands. "Can we not talk about your backside anymore? It's really disturbing and I'd like to be able to sleep for the rest of my life."
That makes Junsu laugh. "Fine," he says, "just know that a lot of people are crazy 'bout this junk." A lot of delusional people, but people nonetheless.
"Yeah, only crazy people would want that," Yoochun says, pointing at Junsu's butt. "Which is good, I guess." He rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I mean, if you hadn't been around, it wouldn't have been as easy figuring out if a fan was sane or not."
Junsu has no comeback for that, so he tugs on Yoochun's sleeve and pouts, "Are you here just to make fun of me or what?"
Yoochun opens his mouth and for a second, looks like he's going to keep making fun of Junsu, but then he just closes it without saying anything and puts his chin on the chair again. "Or what, I guess," he says a couple seconds later. It's the familiar kind of pause that makes Junsu just a little worried.
"Yeah?" He asks softly, reaching over to brush back Yoochun's bangs from his forehead. "What what?"
Sighing, Yoochun picks at a loose thread on Junsu's jeans. "Dunno what what," he answers. "Thought you would know what what." There's that feeling of familiarity again and this time Junsu's expected it. Yoochun and he, they've always been somewhat similar. Perhaps that's why it's always been easy for him to feel comfortable with Yoochun.
"Not as excited about leaving as you thought you would be?"
Yoochun shrugs and pulls the loose thread off, letting it fall onto the floor. He starts a new one. "I'm still excited about it," he mumbles, except Junsu can hear a silent 'but' attached to it. Junsu lets out a soft breath and runs his fingers through Yoochun's hair, smoothing it sideways.
"Didn't want you gone, either. Until yesterday," he mumbles, sounding sheepish and just a bit rueful.
Yoochun cracks a small smile and closes his eyes, leaning into Junsu's hand. "What happened yesterday?"
"I got a dose of appa lovin'."
"Jealous," Yoochun murmurs, peeking out one eye. "Though should I be worried about being not missed anymore? Since you want me gone now."
"Silly goose." Junsu returns to tugging on a strand of Yoochun's hair. "I still don't want you gone... but it's not good-bye, right? It's just a see-you-later - a long one." Junsu's voice is soft and sad, but he smiles at Yoochun. "You'll be all right. We'll be all right."
"Yeah," Yoochun answers, hand stilling over Junsu's knee to curl over it. "And I think I still know how to work a phone."
Junsu takes Yoochun's hand and flips it over, stroking his thumb against the skin of the half-open palm. "And e-mails. And postcards. And chats. Just don't forget to write."
"So old-fashioned," Yoochun replies, and Junsu keeps stroking until Yoochun's fingers wrap around his thumb tightly. "I'll write from every city."
There's a grin - and then Junsu leans in to give a quick kiss on the other's cheek. "Then I'll try not to wish for your untimely demise."
Yoochun's tongue makes an appearance as he pretends to gag, other hand coming up to wipe at his cheek. "Uhh, thanks. I think. Guess I might not bring the Junsu-shaped voodoo doll after all."
"I hope you at least made it with the right scale and proportion." Junsu sticks out his tongue. "My butt is serious business."
"It's so huge, I might need to check it separately."
"You're just jealous."
"Don't know if it'll even fit in the trunk," Yoochun continues, as if Junsu hadn't said anything at all. "Do you know where we can rent trailers? Do voodoo dolls still work if they get disassembled then reassembled?
"They might. But whachu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?"
Yoochun gets up from the chair and leans in until their faces are almost touching. Junsu holds his ground. Yoochun opens his mouth and - turns around to walk out of the room, singing, "I'ma make make make make you scream."
"Yoochun!" Junsu calls, after a confused beat, jumping off of the desk, CD forgotten as he goes after Yoochun. "Come back here! That's not how it goes! It's I'ma make make make make you scream - not you! Are you listening to me? PARK YOOCHUN!"
20 May 2014 02:13 AM
The last night before Jaejoong and Yoochun are to fly out, Changmin finds himself unable to sleep. Part of it could be chalked up to the fact that he didn't eat much during dinner (he shocked everyone with that one, pleaded that he wasn't feeling well; it was half-true and no one argued with him). Changmin doesn't want to dwell on the other part. He shuffles into the kitchen, hand rubbing at his stomach and the other tousling his bed hair. Changmin leans against the cool ceramic of the bar that stretches along the kitchen - it feels empty, and it'll feel even emptier after tomorrow.
The off-key silence stretching through the apartment gets broken abruptly by the smack of a body part against a flat surface, followed by a loud, "fuckingjesuschrist." Jaejoong's barely visible as he walks into the dark kitchen entrance, rubbing his hurt elbow. "Changmin?"
Changmin shifts, as sheepish as he'll allow himself to get. "Yeah. What are you doing up, hyung?" he asks, squinting. "And what did you run into?"
"Packing. Then a weird dream. Then more packing. Then I heard you milling around and my door got in my way." Jaejoong yawns into one hand, gropes around for the light switch with the other.
Changmin groans and squints again, this time against the light that floods the room. "Aish, that's really bright, yeah," he mumbles, rubbing his eyes, glad he's got the counter for support. "Bad weird dream?" he asks.
Jaejoong shrugs a shoulder, fingers drumming restlessly against his thigh. "I was at the airport, it was empty, and I'd lost Yoochun somewhere and I had to go through security alone but they wouldn't let me have any of my things back, and none of you were there but you kept calling me on a payphone and telling me I'd left the gas on." Jaejoong's voice doesn't sound very off throughout the entire explanation, but Changmin stays silent anyway, not sure what to say. Jaejoong's dream tilts him further into earlier thoughts; he hasn't outright told Jaejoong he'll miss him - and it's there, truth on the tip of his tongue, but Changmin's still not awake enough for the words to come out making any sort of sense. He'll just trip all over himself, and most likely, Jaejoong as well.
Jaejoong brushes past Changmin on his way to the fridge, just a small, nonchalant thing. "So, you hungry?"
Changmin's stomach answers for him, having been neglected throughout the conversation. "I don't think I need to answer that one, hyung," he says, chin propped up in a hand. He pauses, then, "I'm going to miss you. And this." Keeps it simple, no tripping.
Jaejoong looks back; there's a small, visible flash of startlement, before it bleeds into a wide, sleepy smile. "I'll miss you too. You and your black hole stomach," he says, and takes the leftovers out to shove gracelessly into the microwave. Changmin can't stop - doesn't want to stop - the wide curve of his lips in return, smiling at Jaejoong's lack of finesse in the kitchen during the wee hours of the morning. Some things won't change.
He hops up onto one of the barstools, miraculously managing not to miss and fall over in his still somewhat drowsy state, and spends a moment just watching Jaejoong, the last time he'll get to do so for a while. "I'm thinking I should never allow myself to go without a healthy supply of food ever again," he remarks absently, determined to chase away all these brooding thoughts - Yoochun's contagious.
Jaejoong leans back low against the counter, yawning again, and Changmin watches him watching the microwave as it hums. Jaejoong reaches out without looking to smack Changmin's arm lightly. "You shouldn't. Especially not when I'm not around to baby you."
"It'll be even harder then, hyung," Changmin says softly, not meaning to be vulnerable; just honest. "Think I may be grown up enough to try, though."
Jaejoong's hand hasn't left where it connected with Changmin's shoulder; after a few seconds, it slides down to take Changmin's wrist, swinging. "Don't grow up too much, yeah?" Jaejoong says. "Still need someone to baby when I get back."
Changmin grins. "We'll see," he says, tilting his head to the side, cocky, "I might like being grown-up, for a change." He leans in conspiratorially. "Someone's got to be the grown-up around here, while you're gone."
Jaejoong laughs. "Hey, at least let them pretend they're big kids now."
Changmin's reminded of the American jingle, and decides two a.m.'s not such a bad time to burst into random song, choppy English and sleep-roughened voice aside. It makes Jaejoong laugh again, loud in the kitchen now that the microwave's stopped and everything's gone still. Jaejoong pushes off the counter to get the leftovers, then turns with his free arm reaching out.
"Hug? In congratulations for becoming potty-trained."
Changmin pauses just to be cheeky, then slides into Jaejoong's outstretched arm, both arms wound tight around Jaejoong's waist. "Only going to be mushy this once," he says, voice catching slightly.
Jaejoong sets the food down, and hugs Changmin back right after, squeezing. "Save some for the airport," he says, and it's the gentleness there that breaks Changmin just a little more inside. "God, I always forget how tall you are."
Changmin breathes in slowly, gaining back a little control over himself. He leans back, grinning. "Part of growing up," he says softly, brushing Jaejoong's bangs out of his eyes. On impulse, he brushes his lips against Jaejoong's bared forehead. "Better baby me a lot when you come back. Excepting bibs and diapers."
Jaejoong looks up at Changmin with a soft smile, saying nothing about the kiss. Changmin's glad. "Baby carriage?"
Changmin's lips twist to hold back laughter at the mental image of being crammed into a baby carriage; it's not a pretty sight. "Unless you're thinking of a super-duper, deluxe-sized Changmin one, I think that's a no-go as well, hyung," he replies, thinking his mushy is lasting a little longer than he originally planned for it to. He doesn't mind, not that much.
Jaejoong breathes out like he's disappointed. He tilts his head towards the plastic container on the counter, humor in his eyes. "So we're left with food-style babying, huh."
Changmin raises a brow, a little reluctant to leave Jaejoong. He's not going to have this for months, so he might as well take advantage while he can. "In the form of feeding me?" he quips, twirling a lock of Jaejoong's hair around a finger idly.
"I'll even wipe your mouth for you," Jaejoong replies.
Changmin tugs at the lock lightly, flashing teeth 100-watt, then slips out of Jaejoong's arms to avoid the probable one touch. "Have you been taking lessons from Yoochun-hyung?" he asks casually, though it's anything but.
Even with the new distance, Jaejoong hits Changmin's shoulder anyway, snickering. "Eat your dinner, perv."
Changmin slides back onto the barstool obediently, though it wouldn't have taken much persuading otherwise - he's starving. Having settled some of the thoughts taking free-falling dives in his mind, his stomach's more than happy to take control again. He reaches over to the jar holding a few packages of chopsticks they nabbed from restaurants and grabs one, opening it and breaking the wooden sticks open with a barely audible crack of wood. "Sit with me?" Changmin says, patting the stool next to him.
Jaejoong sits, sprawling forward against the counter. He smiles again, tired and genuine. "Yeah, always."
Changmin gives the smile right back, fiddling with the chopsticks for a few moments before his hunger pretty much forces him to turn away from Jaejoong and eat. "When you come back," he says in between his fifth and sixth bite, chew and swallow, "I'll probably be able to cook more than just ramen. We'll have to make a celebratory dinner."
"You should learn how to make all of our favorites while we're away," Jaejoong says, his head in his arms.
Changmin grins around a mouthful of select choices from his late-night bibimbap, then after he's polite enough to speak, "Have it all planned out already, hyung." He taps the chopsticks against his lips, licking off a stray grain of rice. "Plus a few more surprises," he adds, devious.
Jaejoong shudders, exaggerated. "What kind of surprises?"
"Surprises," Changmin answers, giving away nothing in his tone. He plays a little ditty against the tip of Jaejoong's nose with his chopsticks-turned-drumsticks, then returns to his bibimbap, lips still quirked a bit as Jaejoong rubs his nose, indignant. The quiet rolls on for a minute longer, before Jaejoong breaks it as usual.
"Hey, if I leave the gas on tomorrow, you should tell me before I leave."
20 May 2014 10:32 AM
Jaejoong hates packing. He's spent hours throughout the week, cross-legged on the floor, trying to pick out needed clothes and needed music. Toiletries and emergency care and travel information and cash. His cellphone and laptop and camera. Gratuitous boxes of Pocky, Chocopies, and a deck of cards. The last night, he falls asleep like that, curled up between his bed and suitcase, hugging his favorite pair of jeans, a bottle of aspirin next to his feet.
In the morning, someone else is making breakfast. Their flight's in a few hours and Jaejoong still needs to take a shower, call people, finish deciding which things in his life he can live without. But one of Yunho's novels is lying on his shut suitcase, a bookmark that reads on the back, for whenever Yoochun gets too boring. A burned CD on his pillow with no title or tracklist, just a sticky note from Junsu, 'Don't listen to this until you start driving (with Yoochun)'. Nothing from Changmin, until the bathroom mirror shows Jaejoong his skin vandalized with purple marker, a French mustache and a few other more obscene things that the magnae should know nothing about.
"Brat," Jaejoong says out loud, rubbing his hair, fondly irate, and shuffles down the hallway for not-as-lethal-as-they-look-I-promise farewell pancakes. Doesn't need a suitcase to take some things with him.
20 May 2014; 03:37 PM
Yunho, Junsu and Changmin crowd into the car to drive Yoochun and Jaejoong to the airport for the start of their grand adventure. They've said goodbye to their families already, and now it's just the five of them, trying not to make a scene in front of the security checkpoint.
"Don't forget to call!" Yunho says.
"Or email. Write. I want a postcard from every town!" Changmin adds, the warning note in his voice more than obvious. "And lots of pictures."
"Forget postcards, I want presents," Junsu says, grinning, and successfully diverts Yoochun's incipient crying jag.
But Yoochun starts tearing up anyway when they get up to the security guard and the other three have to duck out of line because they're not allowed any further. He gets a funny look from the man sitting behind the counter as he hands over his passport and boarding pass, hopes that he still looks like himself even while sporting red eyes.
Jaejoong touches a hand to his back and Yoochun shuffles forward to dump his stuff into the bins for screening.
"Hey!"
Yoochun turns around to see Junsu holding out a book over the security line. He ignores another guard's not-so-subtle look of exasperation and goes to take it, grinning when he sees that it's the book of oyaji gags from all those years ago.
"Learn some yourself already and stop copying me."
Yoochun hugs Junsu like he wants to squeeze him to death, sniffling particularly loud and not caring.
"Dummy," Junsu murmurs against his shoulder. "Did someone forget to tell you that you're coming back?"
"Come on, you big baby." Even on the verge of turning 28, Yoochun's still the one who needs the hand-holding, sometimes literally, and he grabs onto Jaejoong's and lets himself be tugged away.
The other side of the metal detectors already feels like the other side of the world and if Jaejoong's no longer tugging on purpose, Yoochun isn't going to say anything about it. He isn't sure how long they stand there before Yunho takes out his phone and Jaejoong answers his, putting it on speaker.
"Your plane starts boarding in five minutes. Get out of here." In the background, Yoochun hears Junsu and Changmin giving last-minute commentary ("I bet they're going to join the mile high club." "They're so classy." "Didn't you and Yoochun-hyung join it last year?" "Hey!" Smack.), and rolls his eyes but is ultimately unable to keep the smile off his face.
Even though he has Junsu's book in one hand and Jaejoong in the other, Yoochun still doesn't find it any easier to leave. But his legs no longer feel like blocks of cement anymore and yeah, they'll be back before they know it.
He lets go of Jaejoong's hand briefly to reach over and close his phone, making him hang up on the other three. Ignoring Jaejoong's confused glance, he takes a deep breath and puts on a big grin.
"They'll understand," he says. "Let's go."
20 May 2014 04:25 PM
From the glass window that looms over the three of them, it almost feels like they're watching the world. And maybe they are - part of their world is leaving them, hopping onto a plane and sailing off to wonders unknown. Changmin's being melodramatic, he knows, but it can't be helped right now - not when his heart's a huge lump in his throat and he can't swallow it back down. Yunho's at his side, and he slides an arm around Yunho's waist, smiles as Yunho mimics the movement with Junsu, drawing them all together. They stand there, linked, and gaze out through the glass, transparent copies of themselves staring back at them. "Can't believe it's really happening," Changmin murmurs, needing to break the silence.
"They'll be back soon," Yunho replies, turning towards Changmin and sounding perfectly confident, though Changmin catches the way his arm tightens around Junsu; Yunho's body has always been the thing that gives him away. Changmin doesn't add anything else, because he knows it's perfectly true. He just can't help wishing they had a remote control to fast-forward to that point. Or maybe rewind and live Dong Bang Shin Ki all over again. He looks past himself, at the plane that's slowly backing out, and tightens his arm around Yunho's waist just a little, as well; on impulse, he starts humming 'Proud'.
Yunho quirks a smile and, being the sap that he is, starts humming along; after a moment Junsu joins in, though Changmin catches the sheen in his eyes when he looks over. Even though there's two parts of the harmony missing, the song still holds the same sentiment, still brings a soft smile to Changmin's face as he remembers that infamous performance where nearly all of them ended up crying on the stage. Even then, with parts of the harmony gone, they still managed to go on with the song. And even now, the three of them will manage to go on with their lives. Besides, he told Yoochun they'd be with him and Jaejoong every step of the way, and he meant it.
"So," Changmin says, when their quiet humming comes to a stop, "how long do you think it'll be before their first argument?"