Stone in the Dream - brigits_flame

[xxemocupcakexx]

Title: Stone in the Dream
Chapters: 1/1
Author: Asia Perkins aka xxemocupcakexx 
Genre: drama
Rating: PG-13
Synopsis: A young girl makes a decision after she is abandoned on her birthday. Was it the right one?

Comments

[lolafalola]

What a heartbreaking story! The little girl had no idea what was in store for her if she had only waited a few more hours.

I love how you incorporated the party hat as the theme.

Good luck!

[xxemocupcakexx]

Thanks fr reading again :) I tried with the theme. Good luck to you too!

[4shatteredstars]

This is so sad that its physically painful. :( Those poor parents. And poor Jolissa, she ould have just picked up the phone and called.

[xxemocupcakexx]

Aw, I'm glad you liked it. I liked writing it. The fact that it was all a misunderstanding is kinda sad...

[darlinleo]

OMG! I love your journal layout! <3

My sincerest apologies for being so late in bringing your edit. Just to give you a heads up, I'll be offereing suggestions on restructuring some sentences and quite a bit of cutting text that doesn't enhance the intent of the tale. Since I'm by no means a pro, remember that these are suggestions based on my perspective as a reader.

Right this minute, I'm off to finish up my notes, but I'll be back soon :D Promise!

[xxemocupcakexx]

Haha I'm glad you love it.

That's perfectly fine. I completely forgot about the editing part actually... That's fine. I welcome your concrit. However, with the sentence structuring... Well, I'll just wait for what you have to say before I jump the gun.

I'll be here when you get back.

Edit

[katden]

My first thought on this is that you did well giving us an image of Jolissa and her princess dress, and establishing the atmosphere of giddy excitement early on. Besides the cuts and suggestions I'll be leaving below, I'd like to suggest that on the heels of that giddy excitement, you leave your readers with some hint as to why poor Jolissa is apt to have such an extreme reaction to being left alone for less than 3 hours. While your character is otherwise endearing, and your writing is picturesque enough to set us up well, the change is mood is so abrupt that the overall story doesn't have credibility.

The items that I've cut or offered suggestions for simply don't aid in the very distinct tone that you were going for, imo. Hopefully, I've been thorough enough that once you read this without the bits I've marked, you'll see what a smoother read it is, and may be inspired to go back and dash in a sentence or two that brings Jolissa's fragile nature to the forefront.

Sitting there on the dining room table was a cake[,] It was

[katden]

Whoa. *facepalm* Apparently, I can't spell Library correctly. If that edit is difficult to follow, just let me know what you need clarification on.

Re: Edit!

[xxemocupcakexx]

Haha yes you may say that. I'm glad you love it.

I appreciate your concrit :) I might fix it if I feel inspired to haha. I accidentally missed that sentence! Bath of pathetic? That's not how it was supposed to end XD that's what I get for never rereading what I write.

Thanks for your comments as well. She's supposed to be twelve. I accidentally reverted I suppose. She's supposed to seem unrealistic though. I've known someone like her...

Re: Edit!

[xxemocupcakexx]

Haha well at least it sounds okay XD