i like the first one better to this is the one my english teacher wanted she'll probably hate it no biggie though also i said "thing" twice in this draft which is considerably less than the last one. i will admit i have to change it the second time i use it. however the first time will stay because i like it and think it really goes with the style that i had in the first draft, and it helps bring some of that to the second draft.
okay, 2nd paragraph, don't use the "or" while saying lying in bed, jumping out of airplanes. Conjunction problem right there. Underline the book titles
commonality - i don't even know what this word is
No matter what happens I’m going to try not to panic.- maybe say i won't panic.. so say "No matter what happens, I'm not going to panic... or No matter what happens, I won't panic.
i like the first one more... humorwise and you wise-- and i LOVED the ending of the first one. This one is all right and it definitely follows the tight ass teacher format- but that's not you. I also liked the dream part.
I (and my roommate) agree that the explanation of the author is necessary. I would try to work that into the first one, and maybe tweak the opening paragraph a little.
Hand draft 2 in to your teacher and keep tweaking stuff to please her for the grade, but do what i was afraid to do and send something that is truly you and not all fucked with by teachers.
I, sadly, haven't read the first draft and am too lazy to do it now, but I might do it eventually, so I guess expect more from me later on. Content-wise, I don't know how good it was compared to the other, but by itself it's interesting and cute. I like how you tie in how you don't actually jump out of airplanes. Technically speaking, I do have one thing to say about this one, and it's stupid and petty, but here: don't say "too seriously" twice. Other than that, I agree with Laura, do what you feel is right for you, not everything that your teachers say.
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this is the one my english teacher wanted
she'll probably hate it
no biggie though
also i said "thing" twice in this draft which is considerably less than the last one. i will admit i have to change it the second time i use it. however the first time will stay because i like it and think it really goes with the style that i had in the first draft, and it helps bring some of that to the second draft.
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Underline the book titles
commonality - i don't even know what this word is
No matter what happens I’m going to try not to panic.- maybe say i won't panic.. so say "No matter what happens, I'm not going to panic... or No matter what happens, I won't panic.
use the Kiss rule
Keep It Simple Stupid!
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i like the first suggestion
and sort of the last one
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i like the first one more... humorwise and you wise-- and i LOVED the ending of the first one. This one is all right and it definitely follows the tight ass teacher format- but that's not you. I also liked the dream part.
I (and my roommate) agree that the explanation of the author is necessary. I would try to work that into the first one, and maybe tweak the opening paragraph a little.
Hand draft 2 in to your teacher and keep tweaking stuff to please her for the grade, but do what i was afraid to do and send something that is truly you and not all fucked with by teachers.
i love you and your essay very much.
come visit clark!!!
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-The killer metaphor thing. I don't know, I couldn't find any metaphors in the whole paper, maybe it should be a killer somethingelse?
-You end the first paragraph with a question and then begin the second paragraph with another question, it doesn't flow very well.
-"Whole life thing" reads awkwardly.
-"Quite" is used twice and doesn't really add anything. Only use as many words as you need to.
I may be in the minortity here but I think this version is a good progression from the first draft.
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