ESSAY DRAFT 2 BITCHES!

Oct 25, 2004 21:34

thank you for your kind and wonderful comments on the first draft, here is draft number two if anyone is interested ( Read more... )

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Comments 9

anonymous October 26 2004, 03:31:42 UTC
hey rumrum ( ... )

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xmattiusx October 26 2004, 03:51:57 UTC
i like the first one better to
this is the one my english teacher wanted
she'll probably hate it
no biggie though
also i said "thing" twice in this draft which is considerably less than the last one. i will admit i have to change it the second time i use it. however the first time will stay because i like it and think it really goes with the style that i had in the first draft, and it helps bring some of that to the second draft.

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ryguy04 October 26 2004, 03:40:18 UTC
okay, 2nd paragraph, don't use the "or" while saying lying in bed, jumping out of airplanes. Conjunction problem right there.
Underline the book titles

commonality - i don't even know what this word is

No matter what happens I’m going to try not to panic.- maybe say i won't panic.. so say "No matter what happens, I'm not going to panic... or No matter what happens, I won't panic.

use the Kiss rule
Keep It Simple Stupid!

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xmattiusx October 26 2004, 03:52:29 UTC
commonality is a word
i like the first suggestion
and sort of the last one

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lauralieisi October 26 2004, 18:40:12 UTC
I agree with a lot of what christine said.

i like the first one more... humorwise and you wise-- and i LOVED the ending of the first one. This one is all right and it definitely follows the tight ass teacher format- but that's not you. I also liked the dream part.

I (and my roommate) agree that the explanation of the author is necessary. I would try to work that into the first one, and maybe tweak the opening paragraph a little.

Hand draft 2 in to your teacher and keep tweaking stuff to please her for the grade, but do what i was afraid to do and send something that is truly you and not all fucked with by teachers.

i love you and your essay very much.

come visit clark!!!

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xmattiusx October 26 2004, 20:28:45 UTC
honestly i didnt like the dream but thats just me and i like the end of this one better. but again just me.

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cauger October 26 2004, 21:00:54 UTC
I like this draft a lot better and I think it's a lot better written than the first one. Just a few things:

-The killer metaphor thing. I don't know, I couldn't find any metaphors in the whole paper, maybe it should be a killer somethingelse?

-You end the first paragraph with a question and then begin the second paragraph with another question, it doesn't flow very well.

-"Whole life thing" reads awkwardly.

-"Quite" is used twice and doesn't really add anything. Only use as many words as you need to.

I may be in the minortity here but I think this version is a good progression from the first draft.

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jenkybaby October 26 2004, 21:10:23 UTC
I, sadly, haven't read the first draft and am too lazy to do it now, but I might do it eventually, so I guess expect more from me later on. Content-wise, I don't know how good it was compared to the other, but by itself it's interesting and cute. I like how you tie in how you don't actually jump out of airplanes. Technically speaking, I do have one thing to say about this one, and it's stupid and petty, but here: don't say "too seriously" twice. Other than that, I agree with Laura, do what you feel is right for you, not everything that your teachers say.

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