hey rumrum! okay, i still enjoy your essay very much and think that you very effectivly express your point, however to be honest i liked the first draft more. granted there are some parts of this essay that are written better, i think that it lacks some of the rumsey-charm that was present in the first. i agreed with laura in her comment to you on your first draft about how she liked the part about now taking the essay to seriously because it is true that many people do consider their college applications and essays to be the beginning and end of their existence during their first semester senior year, but i could also understand the point another person put forward, being that they do want you to take the essay seriously so that might be a turn off. i think you handled this very well in your revision. you shared the same idea of "not panicking," but expressed it in a way that made it apparent that you do care about it, although you realize that it isn't worth losing sleep over. that much i liked. i also thought that your first paragraph in this essay was a lot more coherent then it was in the first with all the parenthesis and such, but the paragraph seems slightly incomplete. i like the line about the "killer metaphors," except i think that something needs to follow it to make a smoother transition into the body of your essay. two sentences makes for a pretty breif paragraph that doesn't sound very thoughtout. one more should suffice to make it seem less rushed. okay... a few quick technical suggestions- your second paragraph, second sentence~ you say "many people WILL spend..." if i were you i would not say "will." people DO spend a lot of time contemplating the meaning of life, it isnt just something that will happen in the future. also, you say the word "thing" a lot. yes, it does give a very casual feeling to your paper, but your writing gives that casual feel already anyways (which i like). "thing" (ex. "the whole life thing") sounds maybe too casual, and i dont know if i have ever met one english teacher who approves of its existance (within papers, that is). finally, where did that humor go? the first paper was so funny. it was the kind of essay that, if i were to be an addmissions person reading countless papers, would really stand out and give me a good chuckle admist thousands of essays filled with nostalgia and sad stories from the past. i didnt find this one quite as entertaining. my very favorite part about the last one was the part about falling off the roof. it takes you by surprise and really grabs your interest. also, i LOVED how you concluded he first essay by refering back to your first paragraph with the "killer metaphors." the "repeated image," as mrs lacoss would call it, ties the entire paper together, linking the beginning to the end, and gives a purpose to even mentioning the killer metaphors in the first place. don't get me wrong... this is still a great essay. i think that you resolved a lot of the questionable parts of the first one, but possibly at the expense of what made the first one so endearing in the first place. as laura described, your first essay really took a chance. and when those people have already read a gazillion others, that chance is what is going to catch their attention. i hope that this is constructive and not at all offensive. i also hope i am not telling you the wrong thing. you should most definatly get a second opinion before you follow my advice. i think that you just need to take bits and pieces from each one and it will be perfect. i love you. you are wonderful. keep at it. and don't panic. xx Christine
i like the first one better to this is the one my english teacher wanted she'll probably hate it no biggie though also i said "thing" twice in this draft which is considerably less than the last one. i will admit i have to change it the second time i use it. however the first time will stay because i like it and think it really goes with the style that i had in the first draft, and it helps bring some of that to the second draft.
okay, i still enjoy your essay very much and think that you very effectivly express your point, however to be honest i liked the first draft more. granted there are some parts of this essay that are written better, i think that it lacks some of the rumsey-charm that was present in the first.
i agreed with laura in her comment to you on your first draft about how she liked the part about now taking the essay to seriously because it is true that many people do consider their college applications and essays to be the beginning and end of their existence during their first semester senior year, but i could also understand the point another person put forward, being that they do want you to take the essay seriously so that might be a turn off. i think you handled this very well in your revision. you shared the same idea of "not panicking," but expressed it in a way that made it apparent that you do care about it, although you realize that it isn't worth losing sleep over. that much i liked. i also thought that your first paragraph in this essay was a lot more coherent then it was in the first with all the parenthesis and such, but the paragraph seems slightly incomplete. i like the line about the "killer metaphors," except i think that something needs to follow it to make a smoother transition into the body of your essay. two sentences makes for a pretty breif paragraph that doesn't sound very thoughtout. one more should suffice to make it seem less rushed.
okay... a few quick technical suggestions- your second paragraph, second sentence~ you say "many people WILL spend..."
if i were you i would not say "will." people DO spend a lot of time contemplating the meaning of life, it isnt just something that will happen in the future.
also, you say the word "thing" a lot. yes, it does give a very casual feeling to your paper, but your writing gives that casual feel already anyways (which i like). "thing" (ex. "the whole life thing") sounds maybe too casual, and i dont know if i have ever met one english teacher who approves of its existance (within papers, that is).
finally, where did that humor go? the first paper was so funny. it was the kind of essay that, if i were to be an addmissions person reading countless papers, would really stand out and give me a good chuckle admist thousands of essays filled with nostalgia and sad stories from the past. i didnt find this one quite as entertaining. my very favorite part about the last one was the part about falling off the roof. it takes you by surprise and really grabs your interest. also, i LOVED how you concluded he first essay by refering back to your first paragraph with the "killer metaphors." the "repeated image," as mrs lacoss would call it, ties the entire paper together, linking the beginning to the end, and gives a purpose to even mentioning the killer metaphors in the first place.
don't get me wrong... this is still a great essay. i think that you resolved a lot of the questionable parts of the first one, but possibly at the expense of what made the first one so endearing in the first place. as laura described, your first essay really took a chance. and when those people have already read a gazillion others, that chance is what is going to catch their attention.
i hope that this is constructive and not at all offensive. i also hope i am not telling you the wrong thing. you should most definatly get a second opinion before you follow my advice. i think that you just need to take bits and pieces from each one and it will be perfect.
i love you. you are wonderful. keep at it. and don't panic.
xx
Christine
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this is the one my english teacher wanted
she'll probably hate it
no biggie though
also i said "thing" twice in this draft which is considerably less than the last one. i will admit i have to change it the second time i use it. however the first time will stay because i like it and think it really goes with the style that i had in the first draft, and it helps bring some of that to the second draft.
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