Chapter Twenty-One, "It Would be Really Cool If I Didn't Almost Die All the Time"
The Most Second Book in the Whole Series
Chapter 21, "It Would be Really Cool If I Didn't Almost Die All the Time"
Klaxie had warned me that the Blobbersons were big, but I didn't realize exactly how big. They were like big, enormous, big things that towered biggly over the land. Let me put it this way. There's this one roller coaster in Amazing Land that you have to be This Tall to ride. One Blobberson is tall enough to ride that roller coaster eleven times.
Xlormp and I didn't tell them that there were other people and aliens waiting in the space ship parked several blocks away, but somehow, they figured it out. I think it's probably because I was telling Xlormp about it while the Blobbersons were listening in on our conversation. I thought this was awfully rude of them, even for a species claiming to be "bad". So now, the eight of us, me, Xlormp, Klaxie, Monica, Lou, Candy, Limbo and Larry were all wandering through a gigantic building with towering ceilings tall enough to allow the gigantic Blobbersons easy access to everything.
The Blobberson that lead us (who had introduced himself as Stu) kept pointing out little tidbits about the building. "It was built in 45 BC by Aztecs who believed in a woman's right to choose. You can see that in these elaborate carvings here on this wall. Also, if you look to your left, you can see another wall. There are lots of walls in this place. I think it is important that you look at every one of them."
That would have been very interesting if the walls were interesting at all, but most of them were grey. After walking so much I feared my legs would fall off, and growing weary of Monica and Candy's incessant beeping, and trying to avoid the flirtatious looks Lou kept giving Candy, and wishing Larry and Limbo weren't having a "who can shriek the loudest" battle, we finally arrived in an enormous room containing six other Blobbersons. I knew this because I could count them, because I learned how to do that in school.
I thought for sure my ass was going to get smashed into the ground with astonishing quickness. I squeezed Xlormp's tentacle, for if this was to be my last moment, I wanted to be coated in as much slime as possible before I went. Xlormp seemed to be subtly shimmying in fear, and I just wanted to pat him on his head-area and say, "There, there, baby floofle pie, we will get out of this. Maybe."
Stu waved happily to his whopping cohorts. They waved back. Then another one, an uglier one, probably a girl one, approached our tiny bodies and said, "Hey! What's up!"
Nobody spoke. The silence was silencing. So I decided to be a man and reply first. "Not much," I said. "Just chillin'."
"Chillin' like a villain!" Klaxie piped up, emboldened by my talking.
"Awesome!" the ugly Blobberson said. "We were just thinking how lovely it would be to have some company, because we were going to play Twister, and we needed some other players."
"It looks like you have plenty of players to me," I noted.
"Oh, well, Mack and Joe were thinking of playing Parcheesi instead." Two of the other Blobbersons waved, indicating themselves as the boring, Parcheesi-playing ones.
"I love baloney!" Lou piped up, throwing his arms happily in the air. Candy beeped a humming affirmation, and said, "Word!" Then she flung herself in the air and spun around five times, landing on her pinkie.
"Um," the ugly Blobberson said, "they can play Parcheesi, too."
"Listen," I erupted vehemently, "I don't want to be a stick in the mud or anything, but we just came to keep Xlormp here from kicking your ass and consequently dying, and also, to ask if you could kindly not kill anyone else that maybe somehow has a connection to me."
A third Blobberson stood up (for he had been sitting), and said, "Hey, listen, we didn't mean to kill anyone! We just got bored and there was nothing on TV but re-runs of 'Mork and Mindy', you know how it goes." He glanced at the other Blobbersons, who nodded in agreement.
"Well, that's...okay, I guess? This one time?"
They all made jovial noises, as if understanding that we had an understanding here.
Klaxie propelled himself to the front of our microscopic group. "So, there's no need to cause any trouble, because we're all just gonna go home now, and pretend this never happened, right?"
The Blobberson who was either Mack or Joe shook his head and said, "Unfortunately, I see at least one human here who is neither a Zmeephish-Quian girl-slave, nor batshit crazy."
"So?" I verbalized, noticing too late Klaxie's flipper swinging about in an urgent gesture of "shut the crap up".
"So," Mack or Joe said, "you know too much, and we can't exactly let you go without killing you horribly first."
I sighed. "Oh." This was another one of those times when I wondered if life would have just been easier having never gotten romantically involved with a space alien. But then I thought, if my delicious angel pants got to leave this place alive, simply by watching me die horribly, then there were worse things in life, right? Like Gregorian chants?
But Xlormp had grown remarkably still while listening to this exchange. "You are going to have to rip all of my limbs off and beat me to death with them, first."
My knees went weak. What a freaking romantic guy. How lucky was I, I mean, seriously?
"I'm afraid that won't be a problem," Stu said. "You see, we all have awesome super powers."
"You do?" I cried in awe. "What kind of super powers?"
Again, Klaxie did the whole "oh my gosh, Frig, just stop talking" thing with his flipper, but it was too late, the Blobbersons had already moved into a nice, even line, shoulder to shoulder. Stu hollered, "BLOBBERSONS, SOUND OFF!"
They stepped forward, one at a time, making a small announcement and then falling back into the line.
"Hi! I'm Susan, and I can break bones with my mind!"
"Hi! I'm Stu, and I have laser vision!"
"Hi! I'm Lucifer, and I can make flesh melt with just a single touch!"
"Hi! I'm Katie, and I can saute a mean onion!"
"Hi! I'm Mack, and I can plow through miles of concrete with my bare hands!"
"Hi! I'm Angela, and I can fly at the speed of light!"
"Hi! I'm Joe, and I know the secrets of the universe!"
They stood, their weird, cheerleader-esque performance over with, as if waiting for us to be super impressed. But I have to admit, I was more freaked out than anything else. Because you see, any of those would probably be a crappy way to die (except for the onion thing, and I'm not sure how universal secrets could kill, but you never know these days), and I imagined the Blobbersons had any number of heinous combinations in mind. Lou and Candy were making out again, and I didn't understand how they could keep their cool in a situation like this. I wished Xlormp would make out with me, and Klaxie and Monica could even make out if they wanted to, but instead, the rest of us watched nervously as the Blobbersons leered spookily at us. Clearly, any further conversation or discussion of party games was out of the question. Only imminent death awaited us. And it sucked. I'm not gonna lie.
"Wow, those all sound pretty cool and everything," came a voice from behind us, one that I recognized instantly, one that made my heart swell in all the swelly places, "but do you guys have one of these?"
And the room erupted in a surge of bright purple light.
If you just can't take the suspense, you should probably read some older chapters. They'll make you feel better.
Chapter 21, "It Would be Really Cool If I Didn't Almost Die All the Time"
Klaxie had warned me that the Blobbersons were big, but I didn't realize exactly how big. They were like big, enormous, big things that towered biggly over the land. Let me put it this way. There's this one roller coaster in Amazing Land that you have to be This Tall to ride. One Blobberson is tall enough to ride that roller coaster eleven times.
Xlormp and I didn't tell them that there were other people and aliens waiting in the space ship parked several blocks away, but somehow, they figured it out. I think it's probably because I was telling Xlormp about it while the Blobbersons were listening in on our conversation. I thought this was awfully rude of them, even for a species claiming to be "bad". So now, the eight of us, me, Xlormp, Klaxie, Monica, Lou, Candy, Limbo and Larry were all wandering through a gigantic building with towering ceilings tall enough to allow the gigantic Blobbersons easy access to everything.
The Blobberson that lead us (who had introduced himself as Stu) kept pointing out little tidbits about the building. "It was built in 45 BC by Aztecs who believed in a woman's right to choose. You can see that in these elaborate carvings here on this wall. Also, if you look to your left, you can see another wall. There are lots of walls in this place. I think it is important that you look at every one of them."
That would have been very interesting if the walls were interesting at all, but most of them were grey. After walking so much I feared my legs would fall off, and growing weary of Monica and Candy's incessant beeping, and trying to avoid the flirtatious looks Lou kept giving Candy, and wishing Larry and Limbo weren't having a "who can shriek the loudest" battle, we finally arrived in an enormous room containing six other Blobbersons. I knew this because I could count them, because I learned how to do that in school.
I thought for sure my ass was going to get smashed into the ground with astonishing quickness. I squeezed Xlormp's tentacle, for if this was to be my last moment, I wanted to be coated in as much slime as possible before I went. Xlormp seemed to be subtly shimmying in fear, and I just wanted to pat him on his head-area and say, "There, there, baby floofle pie, we will get out of this. Maybe."
Stu waved happily to his whopping cohorts. They waved back. Then another one, an uglier one, probably a girl one, approached our tiny bodies and said, "Hey! What's up!"
Nobody spoke. The silence was silencing. So I decided to be a man and reply first. "Not much," I said. "Just chillin'."
"Chillin' like a villain!" Klaxie piped up, emboldened by my talking.
"Awesome!" the ugly Blobberson said. "We were just thinking how lovely it would be to have some company, because we were going to play Twister, and we needed some other players."
"It looks like you have plenty of players to me," I noted.
"Oh, well, Mack and Joe were thinking of playing Parcheesi instead." Two of the other Blobbersons waved, indicating themselves as the boring, Parcheesi-playing ones.
"I love baloney!" Lou piped up, throwing his arms happily in the air. Candy beeped a humming affirmation, and said, "Word!" Then she flung herself in the air and spun around five times, landing on her pinkie.
"Um," the ugly Blobberson said, "they can play Parcheesi, too."
"Listen," I erupted vehemently, "I don't want to be a stick in the mud or anything, but we just came to keep Xlormp here from kicking your ass and consequently dying, and also, to ask if you could kindly not kill anyone else that maybe somehow has a connection to me."
A third Blobberson stood up (for he had been sitting), and said, "Hey, listen, we didn't mean to kill anyone! We just got bored and there was nothing on TV but re-runs of 'Mork and Mindy', you know how it goes." He glanced at the other Blobbersons, who nodded in agreement.
"Well, that's...okay, I guess? This one time?"
They all made jovial noises, as if understanding that we had an understanding here.
Klaxie propelled himself to the front of our microscopic group. "So, there's no need to cause any trouble, because we're all just gonna go home now, and pretend this never happened, right?"
The Blobberson who was either Mack or Joe shook his head and said, "Unfortunately, I see at least one human here who is neither a Zmeephish-Quian girl-slave, nor batshit crazy."
"So?" I verbalized, noticing too late Klaxie's flipper swinging about in an urgent gesture of "shut the crap up".
"So," Mack or Joe said, "you know too much, and we can't exactly let you go without killing you horribly first."
I sighed. "Oh." This was another one of those times when I wondered if life would have just been easier having never gotten romantically involved with a space alien. But then I thought, if my delicious angel pants got to leave this place alive, simply by watching me die horribly, then there were worse things in life, right? Like Gregorian chants?
But Xlormp had grown remarkably still while listening to this exchange. "You are going to have to rip all of my limbs off and beat me to death with them, first."
My knees went weak. What a freaking romantic guy. How lucky was I, I mean, seriously?
"I'm afraid that won't be a problem," Stu said. "You see, we all have awesome super powers."
"You do?" I cried in awe. "What kind of super powers?"
Again, Klaxie did the whole "oh my gosh, Frig, just stop talking" thing with his flipper, but it was too late, the Blobbersons had already moved into a nice, even line, shoulder to shoulder. Stu hollered, "BLOBBERSONS, SOUND OFF!"
They stepped forward, one at a time, making a small announcement and then falling back into the line.
"Hi! I'm Susan, and I can break bones with my mind!"
"Hi! I'm Stu, and I have laser vision!"
"Hi! I'm Lucifer, and I can make flesh melt with just a single touch!"
"Hi! I'm Katie, and I can saute a mean onion!"
"Hi! I'm Mack, and I can plow through miles of concrete with my bare hands!"
"Hi! I'm Angela, and I can fly at the speed of light!"
"Hi! I'm Joe, and I know the secrets of the universe!"
They stood, their weird, cheerleader-esque performance over with, as if waiting for us to be super impressed. But I have to admit, I was more freaked out than anything else. Because you see, any of those would probably be a crappy way to die (except for the onion thing, and I'm not sure how universal secrets could kill, but you never know these days), and I imagined the Blobbersons had any number of heinous combinations in mind. Lou and Candy were making out again, and I didn't understand how they could keep their cool in a situation like this. I wished Xlormp would make out with me, and Klaxie and Monica could even make out if they wanted to, but instead, the rest of us watched nervously as the Blobbersons leered spookily at us. Clearly, any further conversation or discussion of party games was out of the question. Only imminent death awaited us. And it sucked. I'm not gonna lie.
"Wow, those all sound pretty cool and everything," came a voice from behind us, one that I recognized instantly, one that made my heart swell in all the swelly places, "but do you guys have one of these?"
And the room erupted in a surge of bright purple light.
If you just can't take the suspense, you should probably read some older chapters. They'll make you feel better.