(Untitled)

[x_jerseygirl]

Title: Evolution of a Relationship
Author: Jennie
Summary: A relationship blossoms, all because of a promise.
Characters: Zach Parise and Travis Zajac of the New Jersey Devils, with mentions of Jordan Parise of the Lowell Devils.
Rating: PG-13, if only for plot line.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I don't own Travis, or Zach, or Jordan, or

Comments

[redwingprincess]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I loved it!! That was so cute!!!

[x_jerseygirl]

*grins* Thanks! :D

[zdarovyeh]

I will start out by saying that I liked it. :) Writing in 2nd person is difficult, but you did okay with it. :> And it was cute. And fluffy. And awwwww. :)

That said, I wouldn't recommend making a habit of the 2nd person. There's a reason why you don't see it in commercial fic, ever. ;)

And now on to the beta! (Because, you know I was gonna:)

> were made and hands shook

Erm. Awkward phrasing, but I think that should be hands shaken.

> he rushed off quickly and he disappeared from your memory

continuing with the 'death to ly adverbs' crusade, I suggest: he rushed off and disappeared from your memory . Or maybe: he rushed off and disappeared from memory . I'm feeling odd this afternoon, don't mind me

[x_jerseygirl]

Okay, this took me an hour to respond to, but I love constructive criticism. It's the only way I can get better, when someone gives me examples. :P But anyways..honestly, I've always wanted to write something like this. I've never read anything like it, so it's something I've always wanted to do. :D But the feedback helped me tremendously.

Erm. Awkward phrasing, but I think that should be hands shaken.
<< But then, does THAT make sense? Would that be, 'hands were shaken?'

continuing with the 'death to ly adverbs' crusade, I suggest: he rushed off and disappeared from your memory . Or maybe: he rushed off and disappeared from memory. << In rereading this, I like, 'he rushed off quickly and disappeared from your memory.' I like to overuse the pronouns. :P

[x_jerseygirl]

Okay, so I reread it and did a major beta. Now, I have a question for you:

You loosened your grip on his arms and he walked down the stairs, not bothering to look back. You looked the way he walked out: down the stairs and out the door. Then, you opened the door to your condo and slumped onto your couch. << There is too much 'stairs' and 'door' here for my taste, but that's what I want to say. I don't like how it reads, though. How do I fix it?