(no subject)
Title: I Caught You Spanking Him
Type: One-Shot
Rating: R
Category: Humor
Warning: Slash, Incest, Nonsense, Complete Crack, WTF-ness
Characters: Hohenheim Elric, Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric
Pairing(s): Edward x Alphonse
Summary: Long story short, Hohenheim catches Edward and Alphonse in the act of something very suggestive, and hopes to sell pictures of it on eBay.
Notes: Inspired by Stephen Lynch's Talk To Me. (Song.)
"Brotheeeeeeeeer!!!" Alphonse shouted, tears forming in his eyes, though he was enjoying what he was currently doing with Edward...or, rather, what Edward was doing to him.
"Mm...that's what you get for being a bad boy, Alphonse..." Ed smirked, spanking his brother with his hand and leaning over to nibble on his ear.
The two were so caught up in their naughty little doings that they did not hear the creaking of steps, nor the turning of the brass doorknob; not even the squeak of the door swinging slowly open. What they did hear was a slightly frightened gasp.
"...DAAAAAAAAD?!" Alphonse squeaked.
"...Hohenheim?" Edward breathed, pausing, his hand resting on Al's arse. [Commentary: Arse is the best word ever.]
Silence.
Not everyday, typical silence; the sort of silence that occurs after someone has been chatting with their friends, joking and laughing, then, all of a sudden, one person says something wrong, and everyone stops. No more chuckling; no nothing. Everything seems to go quiet.
Along with the silence came what looked like a pausing of a movie; both brothers and their father halted in moving for the longest time. What broke the "freeze-frame" was when Hohenheim shifted, then coughed.
"Um..."
So much for attempting to find out what in the world was happening between his two sons; he would receive no answers if all he could muster up to say was "um."
"It's...not what it looks like?" Ed suggested, half-smiling to see if his father would buy such a lie.
"...Hmm..." Hohenheim began, placing his right hand under his chin. "...Can I take a picture and sell it on eBay?"
"What's an 'eBay?' Are you plotting to post pictures of us on a wanted list?! TRAITOR!" Ed shouted, removing himself from Al and bouncing onto the bed, pulling his brother with him and shoving the covers atop both of them; they did not want Hohenheim to see their naked state.
"No, no!" Hohenheim responded, waving his hands frantically. "It's this new, awesome place where you can sell stuff on this object called the 'internet.' "
"Brother...I'm scared," Al sniffed, hiding behind his elder brother's back. "The internet sounds scary!"
In order for Alphonse to stop being frightened, and for Edward to trust his father, there was a slightly long conversation about the internet. What websites you can visit, how you can get porn, how you can download music, how you can get porn, how you can talk to your friends, how you can get porn, et cetera.
Both brothers were listening intently, on the edge of their seat from listening to things about porn, music, porn, friends, and porn. Ed seemed especially interested in this "online pornography;" after Hohenheim explained to Al, who was clueless, what it was, Edward received quite a hard slap.
"Ouch!" he promptly responded. "What the hezz was that for?"
"First of all," Alphonse began, furrowing his eyebrows and frowning. "Did you just say the word hezz? Who says hezz?"
"I do?"
"Obviously, brother. And, don't get so into this pornography thing! I can pose for you, you know! I don't mind being gagged, handcuffed, blindfolded, and tied to a bed, honest!"
Hohenheim pushed up his glasses lightly, using his index finger and his middle finger to bring the frame up higher on his nose. Then, he coughed into his first, as he did earlier. Straightening out his tie, he spoke up, reminding the two of the entire eBay idea.
"So, can I sell pictures of this on eBay?" the father asked. Of course, he would have to do a little voyeurism; but he did not mind too much. After all, he had to admit, his sons were effing hot. Who could resist sexy brother-on-brother action?
It was then he realized that all of his thoughts, he had been saying out loud. Alphonse and Edward looked at him strangely, their mouths hanging slightly open and their eyes wide as bouncy balls; which are, indeed, very fun to toss around the floors of Wal Mart, untill your mother glares at you and tells you to put it away.
Edward placed his thumb under his chin, then tapped his lips with his index finger, deep in thought. "Hmm..."
Both Hohenheim and Alphonse stared intently at Edward, awaiting an answer. Hohenheim, of course, was hoping the answer would be "yes," "affirmative," "all right," "aye," "certainly," "definitely," "fine," "gladly," "indubitably," "most assuredly," "naturally," "of course," "okay," "positively," "precisely," "sure thing," "surely," "undoubtedly," "unquestionably," "very well," "willingly," "without fail," "yea," "yep," or any other synonyms that existed for agreement.
While Hohenheim was thinking of all the synonyms possible, Alphonse was thinking one simple thing:
"I just want sex."
In the corner of the room was a tiny rodent; a mouse, or ) with pointed snout, rather small ears, elongated body, and slender tail, as Merriam-Webster puts it. [Honestly, though, I was hoping Merriam-Webster would have a more complicated definately. I am horribly ashamed at them T_T.] She was thinking: I wonder if the fish is inside the dog again? Those males and their psychadellic freak-a-leaking pie. Maybe, just maybe, if Edward had heard what this mouse was thinking, he would know the answer to the eBay question.
Or, maybe not.
"I think we will," Ed finally responded.
Instead of bouncing up and squeeing, Hohenheim stood up and glared at Edward. "You idiot! That wasn't on my synonyms list! Say something else! SOMETHING ELSE!"
"Um...yes?"
"Yes?! Are you kidding?! That's a preschool word!"
"Aye aye, Captain Crunch!"
"That's better."
"Much better," Alphonse smirked.
Main Entry: smirk
Pronunciation: 'sm&rk
Function: intransitive verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English smearcian to smile; akin to Old English smerian to laugh
: to smile in an affected or smug manner :
As shown above, Alphonse obviously had no reason to be smirking at all.
Main Entry: Alphonse Elric
Pronunciation: Figure it our yourselves, biznatches.
Function: proper noun
Etymology: Derived from who the hell knows where.
: a little blond dude that never smirks :
Also, it seems that Alphonse is not the type to smirk at all. This just proves that the act of Alphonse smirking made no sense, and the author of this is on crack.
Quickly, Hohenheim grabbed a camera from out of his pants.
This, of course, made his sons go: "WTF, mate," even though they have not one ounce of Australian blood in them...or do they?
Quickly, questions arose in the brothers' minds, such as, "How did he fit that camera down his pants?" Or, "How come we didn't see a random lump?" Even, "Oh, so THAT was the lump between his legs...wait, no. That lump is still there...Holy shit." Not to mention, "Is that little mouse humping the leg of that chair?"
"Now, go back to what you were doing before," Hohenheim commanded.
"Brother...this has got to be illegal," Alphonse pointed out as he tossed the white sheets covering the bed aside.
"Yup."
"Oh, good point. Then we should get on with it." Resting his hands on Edward's shoulder, Alphonse leaned in for a kiss, Hohenheim joyously clicking away, blinding light flashing forth from his camera. This went on for about 10.617 seconds, then the door was kicked down at random.
"Freeze, suckas!" a policeman shouted, holding his right hand as if it were a gun.
"Yeah!" a policewoman echoed, placing her hands on her hips and glaring.
"...Whaddya know," the first said, "These guys were actually doing something illegal. What are the chances of that?"
"I don't know, Bob. What should we do? The training manual never covered what to do if you actually catch someone... All it said about me was to provide eye candy for the men in the police force."
"Wow, it really said that? That's fucking awesome. Too bad I'm a gay faggot."
It seemed as if the police had immediately forgotten what they were doing in the room where three others were. They were too troubled with what to do after actually coming across illegal acts to stop what was going on. Therefore, Hohenheim shrugged and asked his sons to continue, which they did, untill the policewoman screamed again.
"WAIT. A. SECOND," she commanded, pointed towards the illegal acts taking place. After everyone had stopped moving, she quickly let out a sound the resembled: "SQUEEEE! THAT'S EFFING HOT! IT'S ELRICEST, IT'S ELRICEST! I SAW THAT PAIRING ON THE INTERNETS ONCE, AND IT OWNED MY SOUUUUUL~..."
"Oh my god, Becky, look at his ASS. It's so big and round and out there..."
"Which one?"
"The one with the short hair. God, I really want to do him."
Alphonse froze. Ew, he could not imagine having sex with such a hot, tanned man with slightly long, dark brown hair and a masculine figure. He would definately stick with having sex with short, tempermental midgets.
"You know, he can hear you..." the woman reminded him.
"Ha, this is fucking great!" Hohenheim shouted at random, recording the entire event. What were the chances of that; police...peoplesez popping out of nowhere and talking about Alphonse's strangeles ass that resembled that of a stereotypical African American girl's, aside from his light color?
"You know what?" Becky said, pushing up her glasses and swishing her long, ebony hair backwards. "This is great. Since we don't have any idea what to do, we should grab some popcorn out of the sky and watch."
Right then, a bag of extra butter popcorn conveniently fell out of the sky and into Becky's hands. She sat down next to Hohenheim, stuffing herself with the crunchy bits of yellow. Bob sat down as well, attempting to grab some popcorn from the girl. Becky, however, got insanely pissed of, and began biting at his hand and hissing and whatnot. Fortunately, he moved his hand away from the bag of popcorn and learned his lesson.
"...Are they going to start now? I've never seen porn up close," Bob whispered to Hohenheim, as if they were at a movie theater.
"Nope," Hohenheim responded.
"Agh! Why not?!" Becky shouted, demanding an answer.
"Because the person writing this fic is a lazy dumbass, and doesn't want to have to raise the rating up to NC-17. Also, she kind find a suitable ending, and doesn't feel like writing smut, so it's going to end now."
"Are you serious?"
"Damn gay I am."
(Just for those wondering what the hell "damn gay" is, just think about the expression damn straight.
Did I mention that's the end?)